Burt Dangerous, swarve, sophisticated and from Blighty out to root out the evil in this world. From his secret store cupboard deep in Croyden Burt receives a phonecall...
'That was the commissioner Burt, he has an extremely dangerous job for you that requires your 'special' skills for King and Country' said Flambert, Burt's trusty batsman.
'What ridiculously dangerous but exciting job that makes me look sexy has the commissioner found for me now Flambert? Is it as deliciously suicidal as chasing the flamboyant sailor last week and ending up in a barrel? Or is it as sinister as the gaudy glory hole of Grantham that found me butt naked and wedged up to a chair?'
'Its worse than that Burt, it's a cocky flicker who thinks he knows everything about the Pullman 2654 to Crewe and we all know there's nothing worse than a know it all trainspotter, especially as you are president of the Trainspotters Federation of Ace Holes. Go and put him righ Burt, tell him the Pullman 2654 doesn't go from Crewe, that should sort him out.'
'Oi, you! Do you know who's patch you are train spotting on you shunter head?'
'I was only looking for a Pullman 2654 gov'nor, give a guy a break!'
'Take that! There will be no more Pullman spotting for you today you flicker!'
'Oooofff! Ok, ok, I'm off, you win!'
'Well that went well Burt, the commissioner has called to congratulate you but also has another request. We have a suspicious man asking about Hillman Imps, a potential car enthusiast and he has asked you to take them out for him. Old car enthusiasts must be eradicated before we are all driving around in Robin Reliants and eating egg sandwiches beside the road. Don't spare the rod Burt, he also has information regarding a masochistic stamp collecting meeting going on in Surrey, see what you can find out.'
'Will do, they won't know what hit them!'
Thwack! Pow! Crash! Tinkle tinkle...
'No more slowing traffic down for you on your way to your Impish club, get a decent car you crumblie!'
'Well, he didn't reveal much but I did find his secret stash of Frey Bentos pies that he had secluded at the bottom of his garden. Hey, what's this hidden under the tins?'
'This is it Flambert, the note revealed that if I pull this chain three times the toilet flushes in number ten, that's the signal for the masochistic stamp collectors to meet. For that I need to go in disguise so I don't stand out, avert thine eyes, I'm going native!'
'Ooooh Bert you make me spooge.'
'Damn lucky I had my leopard undercrackers on and not my elephant trunk boxers. What's that I spy down there? It can't be? It's Shaft of the Jungle, it looks like he's making his way to the meeting.'
'Hi Shaft, what's happenin' my dog, is that a snake or are you just pleased to see me?'
'Yo Burt, righteous greets, I be after a good spanking and heard this was the place.'
'You heard wrong Shafter old buddy, it's spanking all right but mixed with a dangerous stamp collecting ring, you're best out of it, these things can get rather... sticky, but I've got it licked.'
'Why do you take my place bwana?'
'I have a secret weapon, once they start spanking my eroticism will explode destroying their ring forever and possibly me in the resultant sexplosion'
'Isn't that a bit strong for a daily blog that's supposed to be about art, I mean all this talk about sexplosions and spanking is a bit far fetched isn't it?'
'Not really Shaft, it's a well known fact that art is pain and pain is spanking and spanking is art, now get the bloody mask on and flick off, my arse is humming for a drumming.'
'Make sure you get a safe distance away, when I go off I don't want to be responsible for your swift but enjoyable death at the hands of my exploding rear.'
'Bye Burt, enjoy?'
'I will Shaft, I most definitely will.'
'Here they come!'
*SPANK SPANK SPANK
'Come on you losers, put your back into it, that's it take a run up big boy!'
'Burt was a good man, perverted as hell but a good man. Went out with a bang splat and not many people can say that.'
'Tosser more like Sarge.'
'You can say that again, hehehe!'
Or is it?