My name is Dr E.Normous and I'm here this morning to talk to you about Sleep Eating a disorder that affects nearly 99% of the population at some time in their lives when inexplicable weight gain defies explanation. Most symptoms can be found in a sufferers dreams; you are what you dream. I regularly dream about sitting open mouthed under a tap that dispenses chocolate and I'm untterly convinced that this has contributed to my massive weight gain, a theory that has been validated by my colleague Dr Fuller Schidt who once dreamt he was eating a large marshmallow only to find his pillow had disappeared overnight.
A sleep eating dream occurs when a sufferer has eaten a trigger food, cheese is a typical example. I once ate a 5lb block of Red Leicester as a light snack before I retired and had the most terrible nightmare about living in Mansfield, inexplicably when I woke I had also put on 5lb's in weight, conclusive proof that just dreaming about living in Mansfield is enought for you to pile on the pounds.
BEWARE HEALTHY FOODS!
Rumours abound about the terrible nature of these so called fruit and veg so I added them to my research. I once drank two bottles of red wine (fruit) and a bottle of Peapod Burgandy (veg) and had a strange dream of chatting with a bag of carrots. When I woke two days later I found myself in the small cupboard under the sink mysteriously with the remains of several carrot tops scattered around me, somehow I had transcended between the dream world and this one further reinforcing my link between food and dreams contrary to my colleagues theory that I was indeed 'off my tits' and was seen sticking a cucumber through a letterbox and shouting I'm a Martian and pleased to see you.
STICK WITH PIES, THEY ARE SAFER
My research continued in Greggs where I decided to combine fruit (wine) and veg (Peapod Burgandy) with some of their succulent pies (sorry, 'bakes', if they call them pies they pay more tax and we wouldn't want that would we?) to see if I could offset the overnight weight gain of bad food. I managed 36 steak bakes, 27 sausage rolls and 16 strawberry tarts before being told I was causing a nuisance singing and should put all my clothes on and leave the shop. I don't remember much after that apart from being in a badly lit tunnel with the sound of splashing water until a colleague pulled my head out of the toilet and called me a disgrace to the profession after he opened his top drawer of his desk and found out what happened to the steak bakes I had eaten. My research nearly came to an end at this stage as all fruit and veg was banned from my desk.
THIS IS YOUR MIND ON FRUIT AND VEG - DON'T DO IT!
Fortunately I had a tuber, which is not exactly a veg is it. Potatoes defy classification in my mind. Well, at least it's not veg like when it's distilled into vodka, more of a liquid pick me up. My research continued with several bottles and I entered some kind of euphoric state of higher enlightenment, I was so overcome with this new insight I had trouble walking and my vision started to devide between this world and the next. It was awesome, I was the greatest dancer in the world, I made perfect sense to everyone I spoke to and the world was beautiful until somebody in the corner pointed at me, a long staring point that annoyed me considerably. I wobbled over still high on my ethereal knowledge and challenged the cad, needless to say he refused to not point at me so a scuffle ensued.
My colleagues pulled me off the wooden coat stand I was beating into a pulp after I became trapped in a large overcoat and lost a shoe finally proving that fruit and veg is indeed bad for you and cause horrendous hallucinations or dreams if eaten in any quantity.
So my professional conclusion is forget the five a day, stick to pies, crisps, pork scratching and the like as they are far more safer in my experience than dabbling with fruit and veg. I would even go as far to say we need to hideously overprice this so called 'good food' and start pushing the more safer processed food. Let my experience be your example!
SLEEP EATING BY DR E.NORMOUS M.M.D. O.B.E. F.A.T.T.Y S.O.T £12.99 FROM ALL GOOD BOOKSHOPS