Knicker My Bocker With A Mahoosive Bid!

Don't forget that this week is your chance to OWN Knickerbockergloria, our Ice Cream eating Ice Dragon raising funds for BREAK! Sponsored by Don and Carole of Bluebird Care Norwich. Knickerbockergloria took a month to create with hundreds of ceramic snowflakes, a see through oil painted centre of favourite ice creams and numerous other additions making a unique Lost Impossimal that has received 1000's of visitors over the Summer.

Reasons To Own Knickerbockergloria

It's for a good cause.

It's raising money for a good cause.

Did I say it's for a good cause?

She is gorgeous.

Makes an ideal talking point and ice breaker at parties.

Will look great mounted on a car bonnet.

Can fly (occasionally and only on the sixty fifth Sunday of December if it's an ice moon)

She talks (to me anyway, I cannot guarantee that she will talk to you but she is rather charming none the less)

You will own the only full size Lost Impossimal in the UK.

You get a free gift.

You get a chance to feature in the magazine Mission Impossimal with Knickerbockergloria.

Not many people own a real dragon.

You can add Dragon Handler to your passport and travel first class everywhere, probably.

PLEASE SIGN ME UP FOR THIS INCREDIBLE DEAL, HOW DO I BID?

Glad you asked, simply click here

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

And bid away, the live auction is tomorrow so do something rash and bid big to win big, you've got to be in it to win it, you know you want to you naughty potential Knicerbockergloria owner!

P.S. You also receive the title Lord and Lady Knickerbocker of Gloriana making you rather posh.

To practice bidding here are a couple of blank areas to scribble down potential bids...

I would love to own Knickerbockergloria and make a bid of £_______

I'd be stupid not to bid, TAKE MY MONEY NOW, I bid £_______

Go big, go bid, Go Knickerbockergloria crazy!!!

http://gogodragons.co.uk/auction/

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sleep Tight

I have recently started collecting old books from my childhood with a particular fondness for a set of books from the Purnell Sunshine Library and Deans International who published lots of Enid Blyton's books. Just in case you didn't know about Enid Blyton she used to write the most fanciful, whimsical children's books that catapulted children into far off lands on incredible journeys. She also included stories about gollywogs, chain smoking and general casual violence and verbal abuse in the nicest possible way.

I'm shocked.

I found the book above after searching for years, it was a favourite book of short stories, unbeknownst to me it also offered some of the darkest stories to issue from Enid's acid pen too. The opening story is quite cute, a girl who had hiccups but referred to them as 'hee-cups' much to the confusion of a couple of elf like brownies (why she called them brownies I don't know). A simple tale to lure you in to a false sense of bedtime security.

Peter's Penci Box is next, a cautious tale of a boy that lies his hat off everyday until his mother at the end of her wits asks him 'Are you a little coward as well as being mean?' And the teacher joins in with a jolly 'I think you are a very horrid little boy.' Way to go Enid, you stick that knife into the young lad and scar him for life.

Pointing out facts in a rude way was also common in the stories. In 'I'll Do Them Tomorrow' a pixie girl is described as plump, dirty and lazy until a local busybody decided to spy on her until she gets off her fat pixie arse to do a bit of cleaning. Further more in 'He Was Sorry For Himself' a selfish boy falls foul of another couple of menacing brownies this time called reddies that decide to, well, this is what she writes...

"Can we help him a bit - give him more things to feel sorry about? he'd enjoy that. Think how he would grumble and moan if we took his mother away, made him hurt his leg badly and had his bicycle stolen."

And they do! Leaving him in tears. Still, in The Cat With A Feathery Tail a silly moggie tries to fool a group of birds and gets the stuffing kicked out of himself by four cats then gets beaten around the garden by a child. The story ends with everyone singing "The cats getting smacked! Hurrah!"

In Pollys P's & Q's a mother exacts revenge on her daughter by pinning P's & Q's to her everytime she forgets to say please and Thankyou turning her into a human pincushion. In The Broken Gate five yoofs (modern term) ride a gate until breaking point (don't ask) then lie about it apart from one boy who is described as thick. Sulky Susan the target in the next story has a face like a smacked arse and boy, doesn't Enid go on about it. To teach her a lesson it goes all Scrooge style and she sees five other miserable sods which are actually her later in life, scared senseless she never frowns again!

Completely random she chucks in 'A Puzzle Story', wait for this, it's a good one. Basically a gnome searches the gutters and bins for discarded cigarettes, it then teaches children how to make a roll up from the stubs and then goes on to tell you how to make a packet of seven cigarettes from six! The only puzzle I could see is that a small child would have difficulty following Enid's roll up routines, but hey, let the kids smoke I say.

Simple Simon in his story is quite simple, even his mother accuses him of 'Not using your brains or you haven't even got any. I can't make up my mind which.', a lovely mother statement that must have enriched his life no end so he goes on to smash up a box of matches, sit on a pack of butter and generally mess everything up until the story abruptly ends with his mother final words echoing through his ears 'You ought to be ashamed of yourself!' Enid stop short of adding 'You idiot!' But I'm sure she thought them.

So yes, it was an enlightening book once I read it again forty years on and you know I still kind of liked it. Yes it's yesteryear and yes some of the subject matters and language is a bit odd but essentially it teaches respect for adults and adds a bit of fear to do the right thing as a child, not necessarily a bad thing. After all I turned out fine, I even managed to break my smoking habit by the age of seven although I still have a unnatural fear of everything brown.

I'm just about to start another book of Enids that I'm sure will be equally delightful, it's called 'Rolling Smoking Kids For Fun Down The Stairs Whilst Shouting Abuse At Them' it looks frightfully good and even has a crying child on the front.

Magical!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Note To Notice About A Notice To Note

A big thank you to Castle Galleries Bluewater and to all the collectors who came along on Saturday to join in the fun as Lost Alice was revealed to the public for the first time at the weekend. As you can see from the photo above the gallery recreated a lovely tea party with a wonderful edible table from 'A Place Of Uncommon Nonsense' complete with playing cards and goodies. The gallery too had plenty of Wonderland touches and the whole appearance went very quickly with many collectors both old and new arriving throughout the four hours.

So a great start which now begins in earnest as the entire collection rolls out across the UK this week. On this coming Saturday the 3rd of October we will be visiting Castle Galleries in Newcastle for a return after an absence of seven years. Come along and join us between 1-4pm, it's free and possibly drink laden making it the ideal venue to meet two ageing artists who tell weird stories and dress like disorganised tarts to make themselves interesting whilst banging on about Wonderland like it's all too real. Oh, there will be the entire collection, originals, maquettes, Jaynes fabulous new Wonderland work and even better, this...

Food will be served by our BBQ cat weather permitting (n.b. BBQ Cat is subject to change and maybe unavailable at the last minute due to the unstable condition of cats performing culinary tasks involving fire and edible meats, especially after last time when a ball of wool rolled by and our cat chef got completely distracted and burned down the beer tent)

So you don't forget, here's a note for your diary...

C#

...and here's a note for your dairy...

Three pints please and a small yoghurt called Colin.

...and here's a note for the dreary...

It rains, it always rains, I'm miserable.

...and a note for your dromedary...

Don't get the hump.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Lost No More.

Website updated, Magazine available, New Lost Impossimal website with beginning chapters online and galleries up and down the country ready.

LOST ALICE

has arrived

See it first this weekend at Castle Galleries, Bluewater this Saturday 26th between 1-4pm and meet us both, we will also be bringing along originals, sketches and maquettes from the releases as well as our usual brand of Impossimalness!

See you soon!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pumpin' Chuffin'

With Winter just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2015 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's True, That Assholes Written Another Blog Entry!

I have made many friends recently since I have moved, many of them I have accidentally bumped into during my short time but they all have one thing in common. I met them all on my staircase.

It may be an unusual place to meet friends but all makes more sense when you find out that my new friends include large spiders, huge moths, assorted wood lice and in one case a three inch long black slug that looked like a liquorice moustache. It all came to a head last night when I bent over to switch on a bedside light and heard a rustle up above, as soon as I turned my head a weird looking grasshopper launched itself from the ceiling ninja style to bounce off my forehead and send me in girlish screams around the top floor. Apparently they have been attracted by the Velux on the staircase and make the massive effort to shin up twenty five feet only to drop on me from a great height, obviously they must get some amusement out of this. "Hey guys! Guess what? I have found this hole, it's up there and it's awesome, a two second free fall into lovely soft hair if you time it right. It made me lol I can tell you and I got a ride around some weird house accompanied by a wailing until I was deposited back outside unharmed! Awesome!" Said the slug to the assorted motley crew of potential Velux jumping candidates.

Living in the country does have its moments. I have already met face to face a badger in the garden when I least expected it, he too didn't expect it and decided that I was indeed blocking his normal nightly stroll. Later that week I made a pheasant jump who in turn made me absolutely squeal when it came flapping out of the undergrowth making a noise like a bust bagpipe, I of course fell into a rose bush. One night a few midges decided to turn me into a human pincushion and gave me fifty two bites in one night, I know, I counted each itchy one.

Just in case you think it's just me Jayne has fared no better, last Friday she inadvertantly cut through the electric cable of the hedge trimmer only days after we installed an RCD circuit for just such event then an hour later stumbled backwards into a wasp hive and was stung relentlessly. Safely back inside Jayne tried to close a window and some random looking insect that looked like it was assembled from other broken insects used a large stinger to pierce her palm so as you see, a grasshopper bouncing off my bonce was just one in a long line of country things to discover.

Chopping logs, emptying poo pits and lighting fires have also played their part and even though everything is more hard work than just flicking the heating on or flushing the toilet it's also a lot more fun.

The blog used to be full of my tribulations regarding DIY stores and supermarkets full of random events and rude staff, not so now, they pretty much don't exist within a fifteen mile radius and instead we have DIY stores called P&Q which amazingly stocks more of everything you need than some of the largest DIY superstores and of course it's more friendly. We now shop local and by local I mean locally owned shops which makes a huge difference to the quality of produce we now get. But you know what is really great about moving? The really, really great thing that I never imagined would happen?

We have hares.

Spindly legged big eared hares at the bottom of our garden that delight in the early morning sun across the fields and that it something I could watch each and every day for the rest of my life.

Must dash, a twenty two legged spider-cricket has just appeared from under the bedclothes carrying my underpants with a wily look in its eye.

Oh my!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Silly Moo

In times of need there are changes indeed, roll up, roll up and witness the first ever farm and fairground hybrid in the country. Destined to be a 'must see' money saving attraction. Why go to the fair, why go to the farm when you can do both at the travelling Funfarmfair.

Love pigs? Then try our coconut sty and send your nuts flying. Simply load your pigs tail with a wooden ball, guide it into position using a wooden board and walking stick then fire! Kapow! In no time at all you will be a pigapult specialist and also have a lovely new pink friend to play with. Prizes include a years free manure, all the pork scratchings you can eat or our special prize of a chance to muck out Matilda, our twenty six ton Gloucestershire Old Spot using only a dining fork.

Prepared to be scared to death with our spooky Goats Train! Witness goat-ly surprises around every corner as your muck cart trundles around our makeshift barn. Cower I fear as Count Dracugoat swoops from above, cover your ears as you approach the bleating of the Goatshees, be physically sick as Frankengoat sprays you with fresh milk, devours everything in sight and poops small marbles that smell of pure evil. Survive all that and you get to see a real poltergoat in action, you never know where the next bleat will come from. Left or right? Or just maybe YOU will be the one that's bleating to get out alive.

On the Goat Train nobody can hear you bleat.

N.B. The Goat Train is manned by real goats, keep all your hands and limbs inside the muck cart at all times unless you want to lose them. Also hold on to any bags containing food, hats, scarves, gloves, watches, small children etc as our spooky goats get very, very hungry indeed.

Say flook to hook a duck and hi to Hook a Hen its 21st Century replacement. A hundred hens are bobbing around in small boats in a water filled feeding trough. All you have to do is hook their boat using our magnetic hooks and reel them safely in. If you find that the hen has an egg then you get to keep it! How cool is that, real hens, real eggs, real fun. It doesn't get more 'hens on' than this, play more than once to win more and you could go home with an omelette!

Forget mirrors, the Hall of Moos is far superior. Inside we have a selection of cows waiting, simply walk down the line until a cow moos. Stop at that cow and read its name for hilarious results. Are you a Fat Cow? Or maybe a Skinny Cow?, did the Ugly Cow moo at YOU? Such fun. Take along the wife, the mother in-law or any of a multitude of people you wish to be appraised. New for 2013 the Irritating Cow and Loud Cow.

N.B. We do offer a mother in-law special service where for an additional £5 you tell us which cow should moo and we'll do the rest.

Lambs love to run around haphazardly, leaping about like little springs. Now you can enjoy in their gambolling too by using our foam rings and gently trying to hoop a lamb. A simple game that will leave you entranced and delighted all at the same time and put you in the right frame of mind for our next attraction.

Real unwashed wool, dyed pink and dipped in sugar. It's the food that keeps on giving, one stick of candy wool will last forever, well, it seems like forever as you suck away all the sweetness inside. Once done you are left with a pile of fresh wool that you can use to knit yourself a nice jumper. Our gift to you.

We do hope you visit soon, for you information here's where we will be over the next few weeks :

28 April - Old McDonalds Farm, Eieio, Andonthatfarm, Hehadapig. EIE IO. tel. 5318008

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Molly Knickerelastics Rubber Pants

Ahh, it was the title that led you here wasn't it you dirty little minx!

For those of you that are new to this blog you probably think it only gets updated every once in a while, recent posts have been somewhat sparse. Normally the blog is updated five days a week with random guff and assorted stuff from my cluttered up attic of a brain but due to a series of events this year I have not been so diligent in keeping the useless banter up. So, from today, normal service will be resumed with a daily dose of weekday randomness.

I'm a weeks time we start the Lost Alice appearances along with the Car Park Picnics, and if you have never seen a car park picnic then stay tuned, we will bring you all the latest smelly car park reports live each week. Whilst you are waiting let's move along shall we?

Anyway, to kick things off with a multitude of blog entries here's a nice blast from the past to get you in the mood and a taster of the strangeness to come; The Pirate Pie Shoppe.

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Lost Alice Appearance Dates

Well the Internet is finally installed and we can now achieve speeds of up to a staggering 32kbps placing us firmly in the digital age somewhere around 1992. Honestly, in a speed of smartphones, driverless cars, drones and ten second celebrities you would have thought it would have been an easy matter to get it all connected and fired up. Oh no, 27 days it took and still I have chance to go and make a cup of tea and watch a few programs before Google loads.

So things are a tad slow and I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not so if things take a little more time to appear and we don't seem as responsive to posts as we should be sorry 'bout that. Good news is, we have Lost Alice appearance dates, YAY!

All are welcome at ANY of the events listed below, the opening event at Bluewater will be the first time the entire collection will be on display and will include plenty of exclusive items for this opening show.

Castle Galleries, Bluewater Saturday 26th September 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Newcastle Saturday 3rd October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Solihull Saturday 10th October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Glasgow Saturday 17th October 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Edinburgh Sunday 18th October 1-4pm

The Original Art Shop, Hanley Saturday 24th October 12-3pm

Castle Galleries, Meadowhall Saturday 31st October 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Chester Saturday 7th November 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Cambridge Saturday 14th November 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Manchester Saturday 21st November 1-4pm

Castle Fine Art, Norwich Saturday 28th November 1-4pm

Castle Galleries, Trafford Centre Saturday 5th December 1-4pm

Hopefully many of you will be able to make it to one of the events, there are still a few more to pop in and I'll keep you up to date with those as soon as I get confirmation.

See you there!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Explination

"Lost Alice" was shown for the very first time at an exclusive event held on the 6th-7th September at the ICC in Birmingham. Overwhelming response has been one of the biggest delays in getting all the information and photos ready for you all to see along with an enormous amount of background work but we are racing ahead to try and complete everything on our small Samsung phone with random Internet connection as soon as possible.

Time's like this are incredibly frustrating so I thought I would fill you in a little more on what is happening behind the scenes. Lost Alice is probably the biggest creation over my Impossimal career, not only does it encompass paintings but also lots and lots of background material pulled together over a ten month period to help create the third 'Alice' book. This alone was a major task and we are still adding things and adjusting items to enable us to include the first four chapters in a special 'Lost Alice' brochure at the end of the month. The sculptures in the collection again took nine months to create and manufacture working with several partners in the UK and overseas, a logistical nightmare on occasions that finally paid off with some of the most detailed and complex ones to date, these look to be available again at the end of the month.

All this required a tour to allow collectors to see first hand and in detail the entire collection, around fifteen dates were chosen and galleries appointed over the last two months, again, moving and entire collection around up and down the country took a while to organise but we have managed to pull in a few galleries like Newcastle that we have not visited for five years.

An official release date has been penned in for the 26th September, in two weeks time when a special opening event will occur at Castle Galleries, Bluewater. Everyone, including you! is invited, on the day we will have a multitude of Lost Alice pieces along with marquettes, originals and assorted goodies. We will then start the tour spread over the next three months.

Hopefully the special souvenir brochure will also be available in time with four complete chapters from the new 'Lost Alice' story, this will be added to every month with additional chapters published online. There are fourteen chapters in total making up the book and plans are in place at the end to publish all fourteen chapters with illustrations AND twenty Lost Impossimal stories AND The Making Of Lost Alice in a special commemorative book called 'Lost Alice & Other Tales' pictured above.

So it's all coming albeit not as quickly as we would like but a big thank you for the overwhelming support so far with so many pre-orders hitting the galleries and we can't wait to share it all with you.

Lots of stuff to come we promise with plenty of unusual things, just ask your gallery what the secret is to the bases of the new sculptures, you may be surprised!

Your Handy Viewing Guide

Whilst waiting for Lost Alice to be released this weekend why not enjoy a spot of television with our handy cut-out and keep TV-Guide, I have been assured that quality programs are regularly aired although apparently not in this country.

***** Rating indicates how much to drink before watching. 

* A wee dram, ** Two pints and a Babycham, *** One bottle of Chablis and a Whisky chaser, **** One Tiger Blood, three Jaigermeister slammers, four jelly shots, a bottle of Stolly and a shandy, ***** Go to the supermarket and fill your trolley with as much alcohol as you can, return home and start drinking at 9am in the morning focusing on ten units an hour, by the time the program comes on your will be in the perfect state to enjoy it.

MONDAY

8:00pm BBC 1 The Great British Strip Off ****

Members of the public get to remove clothing in this new program combining cooking and exhibitionism in a game of strip baking. Judged by the Silver Stoat and Baking Goddess Barely Merry, contestants must create three fantastic tarts and remove clothes exotically to the latest dance tracks whilst host Perky Sue utilises the pole in the centre of the tent. 

6:30pm ITV On The Buses (R) **

Hilarious entertainment in this award winning fly on the wall documentary about Stan the bus man. Watch how he ignores bus stops, brakes quickly to topple old ladies and finally removes the upper deck after driving under a low bridge for a dare. WARNING : Contains scenes of a No.45 to Hull that accidentally drives through Mansfield (18+)

TUESDAY

7:00pm BBC 3. Dr Wooooo *****

Dr Wooooo faces his greatest challenge when a shift in the time space continuum places his toilet cubicle time machine in the centre of the Crossroads motel set. Watch as he battles Benny, has a spat with Amy Turtle and falls through the wall of room two only to reveal its all an elaborate set up to hide Crossroads real motive to sell antiques through the guise of Acorn Antiques masterminded by Miss Babs.

WEDNESDAY 

7:00pm until Christmas Day ITV 1, ITV 2, ITV 3 Z-Factor ******************

Prepare yourself for an onslaught of entertainment by watching something else but if you really must watch this episode lasts for four months so make sure you are on a alcohol drip feed. Highlights include sob stories about pet dogs, that's about it really.

9:00pm FILM Masterchef Goes Bananas C4*** & a fruit cake

When Gorden Ramsical enters the kitchen and cooks a triple chocolate candy coated three foot high starfish with whipped cream and cherries Gregg Walnut takes one bite and writhes around the floor in ecstasy for the next 90 minutes before Jon Terroldio stabs Gorden in a jealous rage over the filleting of a stickleback. One to watch!

SATURDAY

10:00am The Keremy Jyle Show BBC2***** 

Wannabe celebrity guests compare teeth and fight with a chance of winning a prize of a full set of dentures courtesy of ChavChops, dentist to the stars.

7:00pm Strictly Come Prancing BBC1***********************************************

Sexy dancing, stunning sets with well known and cherished celebrities is what this show should be all about, instead get ZZZ listers that cavort and floob around a studio to provide embarrassing routines to slip-shoddy music whilst dads look at the skimpy outfits and mums lust after well toned bodies. 

1:00am TEST CARD BBC (Must Watch!)

See if the noughts and crosses competition running since 1967 comes to a thrilling conclusion with clown just one 'nought' away from victory, will this be the night of nights? Highly recommended!

Ten Things To Consider When Moving House

1) Don't move, ever. If you hear the words conveyancing or mortgage then set fire to your pants, poke yourself in the eye or remove hair using pliers, under no circumstances consider moving unless you wish to endure week upon week of relentless pain.

2) Should you find yourself in the unfortunate position of moving then you require a removals company. These range from a small white van man with a dog called Colin (Colin refuses to lift heavy objects) to multinational companies that expect you to pack everything in square boxes so all they do is left for a few grand. We however choose a delightful option, mid range lorries with a rugby team (optional shared shower at the end)

3) Prepare to change address, most companies will provide facilities to do this whilst others will charge you for the privilege of daring to ask to change it. Expect to be charged anywhere up to £37.62 as we were which is a bit steep when you do it yourself on the Internet and some trainee the other end puts a stamp on an envelope to confirm. Unless of course you are changing address from Mansfield and you need to let a Mansfield company know, in that case you have to hand write a letter and post it recorded, they will then stamp it, make a duplicate, countersign it and write you a reply. None of the 'pop in and we will sort it for you' malarkey, you do it our way or no way.

4) Change of landline number. Be prepared to smash you head against the wall for several weeks as you wrestle with phone companies on the availability of the single engineer to come along and flip a switch for you. Apparently it takes a month, even though the phone line is installed, live with a dialling tone and is used by telemarketing companies to phone us at 2am in the morning to sell us PPI claims.

5) Moving day can be stressful, even more so when the chain you are in all get random bits of information that fails to match. It's awfully confusing when one completes and the other fail to get the same message, very soon a joyous day turns into a shambles as you fight over the keys.

6) The weather. Choose a fine day, not the absolutely miserable mother of a day they we ended up with that gave us 24 hours of non stop drizzle and around two tonnes of mud to swish around the house.

7) When buying a house consider a few things we had to take into account, first we are on a flood plane, secondly we are within range of a military shelling area, thirdly we are within range of a gas terminal that we have to register with in case it suddenly blows and they just find our teeth and last but not least check if you are within five metres of one of the last remaining 200 year old Elm trees in England and check that the seven directional tilt on the house is in fact quirky and not critical.

8) When viewing houses avoid places that bottle brown water and ask you to sample it, it's recycled urine as we found out when the tea tasted funny (seriously, it was wee)

9) Again, don't be misled, a swimming pool advertised that the owners bathed naked in and drank champagne actually turned out to be a children's inflatable paddling pool upon inspection.

10) Don't move.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

My Name Is Alice

Well, this is the first blog from the new Impossimal HQ studio and what a few weeks it has been. We still do not have the Internet, estimates is another two weeks so this is being typed and posted from an itsy-bitsy phone on an ever so weak signal from the bottom of the garden. It's no bad thing, although living without the Internet exposes quite a few limitations, no online banking, limited online grocery ordering, sparse photos of cats doing amusing things, the usual kind of thing.

So why the move? Well, for a start both of us working from a ten by ten shed was never going to last, too little space with plenty of colliding chairs and such and also the size of our artwork was severely limited, I really don't know how we have lasted nearly eleven years in such cramped conditions so out goes the shed and in its place a wonderful new studio space that's eleven by eleven. Only kidding, it's at least four times the size and fully insulated, even better it's in the middle of a special nowhere.

To move house we had to endure twelve weeks of upheaval which at times pushed us and at other times pleased us, either way we are here now and the Impossimals are about to make their biggest return yet.

Lost Alice, a collection and tour completed at the same time as moving, we worked from packed boxes, we worked sitting on crates, we did everything we could to make sure the collection had the minimum of upheaval although even that was difficult when we dismatled the old studio and had to work pretty much anywhere we could set up an easel.

This weekend sees the preview launch at the ICC in Birmingham in which galleries up and down the UK get to see the entire collection for the very first time. You will get to see it pretty soon after with little taster posts across the weekend. All this in preparation for the release of the tour dates where you can come along to various galleries and hear the stories, share your Alice enthusiasm and generally have a good time.

I have purposely kept a lot back from this tour and only let you know little snippets so a little more information wouldn't go amiss. To complete the pieces I had to write another Alice book, it will be available in a short abridged form and the full text will be available on our Lost Alice website a little later along with a lot of the background work. Incidentally ALL the Alice maquettes I created for this collection will also be available from the galleries on a first come, first served basis along with several rather detailed oil sketches and six originals. Jayne has also produced two new pieces to accompany the collection, both pretty stunning and unlike her previous work.

So all in all a busy weekend beckons so let me leave it to the Hatter to finish everything off, it's all going to get rather surreal...

The door blew open with such force that Alice tumbled to the floor, an angry roar came from inside and a billow of flame shot out and licked the sky, Alice rose to her feet only to see a world in turmoil through the door, a red land of volcanoes and arid earth, leaping fire pits and billowing smoke was all around and a tumultuous noise poured out.

"Who disturbs my sleep? Who wishes to feel my wrath? Who wishes to taste my fury!" boomed an unknown voice from out of the turmoil almost deafening Alice.

"Time to finish you!" shouted the Hatter quickly drawing out his knife and leaping towards Alice with an evil look in his eye.

"NO!" shouted Alice in horror as the Hatter, his knife raised high landed beside her, eye twirling furiously as he slammed the door shut and wedged his blade in the door frame to keep it closed.

"That was Anger," said the Hatter nonchalantly, "one of the seven deadly sins you left behind dear Alice, another is Sloth, he makes young girls fail to cut their hair."

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals