Something Special

Over the last eleven years we have only ever allowed Impossimal artwork to be used on a select few quality products, the last being over five years ago with the final set of cufflinks so after much deliberation and a lot of making sure we only find the correct products we decided in the lead up to Christmas to allow the Impossimals to grace a few more through the use of an innovative and select online store.

Impossimals do seem incredibly suited to certain items though. I myself fancied a new keyring and cufflinks and that is what started this new Impossimal creation, a need for something a little different and after a little bit of searching I found a place that would help us bring it all together.

Anyhow, I'm rambling.

Ahem, OK, here goes...

There is a new Impossimal online store; it has selected Impossimal creations that compliment the limited editions and celebrate the Impossimal collections over the years including the brand new Lost Alice release with a series of three Bone China Mugs created just for the tour.

It's not big, it's not here to replace anything, it's here to say thank you to everybody who has contacted us and all the emails we receive on a weekly basis asking for cufflinks, compacts, calendars and numerous other items for Impossimal collectors to cherish. We will be adding new Impossimal collectables on a regular basis and retiring others, each year we will have a single collectable Impossimal creation specifically just for that year. Other times we will have time limited editions to coincide with limited edition releases.

So a nice little compliment to the Impossimal world and if you have any ideas of future Impossimal pieces or designs you would like to see then just let us know.

The calendar is now on Amazon PRIME with guaranteed delivery times now they have finally got their act together after being overwhelmed by orders and breaking their system initially, you can find the link on our website at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk or click HERE

As for the new online store, well that can be found  HERE

FINALLY...

2016 NEW LIMITED EDITIONS!

2016 is the Year Of The Impossimal where we and the galleries go IMPOSSIMAL crazy!

Oodles of new editions coming your way including...

The follow up to 'Go Big Or Go Home' - 'Wine Club'

A Fabulous 'You Are FAB'

The Wonderful Family of Four in 'Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This'

And for all you doughnut loving people 'Donut Worry, Be Happy!'

& MORE!

The galleries are getting ready, we are ready, are you ready?

And then at the end of 2016 when you think it's all over, is this...

It's going to be fab!

FREE GIFT! Knob Twiddler Weakly

In celebration of Peter and Jayne appearing at Castle Galleries Norwich tomorrow between 1-4pm all welcome here's our Friday Free Gift to you, the knob twiddling public!

Your pocket guide to Christmas Day television and beyond, simply use our patent screen scissors to cut out your computer or laptop screen to have this free guide to Christmas always handy.

Christmas Eve

9am Sinbad And The Eye Of The Chicken - Sinbad stumbles from a fantastic voyage battling mythical creatures into a well known chicken drive through restaurant only to find his Chicken burger is looking back at him. A fight ensues and Sinbad discovers there's more to his burger than he first thought as he uncovers a secret lips, eyes and arsehole processing factory. Disgusted he releases the Kraken in revenge and opens an ethical restaurant in Hull.

1pm Cash In The Attic - We visit celebrities with the HMRC for a Christmas tax avoidance special and find out just how much untaxed cash they really stuff in the attic and under their beds. Special guest appearance sponsored by Ken Dodds Mattress

2pm FILM - Santa Clause - When Santa falls down a chimney a legal battle ensues as Santa sues the entire population of the world for having unsafe chimneys and householders for enticing him with booze leading to alcoholism and mince pies leading to diabetes. Using legal aid Santa manages to win his case forcing banks to pay out billions in compensation, governments to announce austerity cutbacks worldwide and banks to ask for bail outs. As we slide as a nation into anarchy Santa sues again, this time for not allowing for his disabilities and failing to supply parking facilities for his sled and reindeer. Another win for Santa further squeezes the coffers and budgets to schools, hospitals, the emergency services and highway maintenance leaving the government no option but to announce will the last one to leave the UK please turn off the light. Entertaining! 5/5 *****

5pm Strictly Dancing On Ice In The Jungle - Ant and Deck, our chirpy presenters take seventy three has been celebs through several trials as they attempt to foxtrot wearing ice skates over crocodile infested pools whilst eating kangaroo gonads. Vote lines are now open dial 0800 YES-PLEASE to vote yes and make sure that we throw Ant and Deck to the crocs.

6pm The Snowman - Shown every year its a sad tale of a disillusional boy who has no friends and has to make them out of snow. Uncaring parents let him cavort about outside wearing nothing but his pyjamas and allow him to open his door to a naked stranger wearing just a hat and a scarf in the dead of night, a stranger that sinisterly tries out his parents false teeth before abducting the boy. A drug fuelled sequence shows the turmoil in the boys head as he experiences a flying sensation and dancing snowmen before being dumped in front of a jolly drunk who entices him with the promise of a present. Cert 18 - May contain disturbing drug induced scenes and a death sequence at the end. Watch out for the exciting follow up tale including a dead dog.

7pm Coronation Street - In a family Christmas special a posse of Eastenders invade the street in an attempt to win this years soap awards. Gail Platt throws the first punch at Peggy Mitchell who retaliates by setting fire to Ken Barlows hair, twenty six fights occur simultaneously as the street erupts into Christmas violence when it is revealed that Pat Butcher is the love child of Ena Sharples and Arthur Fowler. A tram crashes through the flimsy sets whilst a multi car pileup causes mayhem in the shop when it tips over a display of tea bags. Featuring four plane crashes, three murders, two affairs and a partridge in a pair tree this episode will bring a smile to everyone this Christmas.

9pm A Christmas Nativity - Problems abound at Canterbury Cathedral when a donkey bought in to stand next to the manger goes berserk knocking baby Jesus to the floor and stamping on several wise men before being restrained. A delightful modern production guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye even if it's just for a wish for it to end.

9:30pm Lets Rev Your Kid Up - A program special designed to get your kids ripped up to maximum excitement levels so they play you up when you tell them it's time for bed. Guaranteed to make sure they wake up every twenty minutes from 1am to check for Santa.

12pm Carols From Westminster - Hopefully 24,365 Carols will attend this yearly event to try and break last years record of 22,615 Carols in one place. Participants must bring their birth certificate along on the day as proof of being a Carol. Our most popular broadcast will take you through the Carols as they file in and out of Westminster and are counted along the way. Riveting stuff.

Tomorrow we have Christmas Day covered. 

TV listings courtesy of Knob Twiddlers Weakly, your only guide to Knob Twiddling.

It's All Pies I Tell You!

Hi, I'm Rod Stewart and I officially don't endorse today's blog entry.

What if the world was made of chewing gum? Everything you touch was sticky and could be bent and shaped into whatever you wanted. Pieces could be broken off and chewed then spat out to become part of the world again. Yes, my mind is unravelling again. It's these kind of weird thoughts that makes me wonder if I am indeed a little mentally disturbed. It's just not normal is it?

Anyway, in the vain hope that this will clear my mind of its mental tumble weeds I thought I would share with you the story of the King Of Pieopolis.

Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in a big castle in the land of Makeituptia. The king was a greedy vile one, he ruled his subjects with a iron fist and always demanded more of them than they could give. 'More taxes!' he would say, 'More gifts!' he would demand, 'More food!' he would declare as his poverty strapped subjects starved. He loved it, they hated it, everybody despised the greedy vile King.

'What shall we do? What can we do?' chorused his subjects but one person remained mysteriously quiet. He was the village baker, he knew what they could do and he told them, quietly and secretively. They all grinned, returned to their homes to fetch one grain of wheat and gave it to the baker. Soon the baker had enough grains to grind to make the flour and to make his secret.

The king awoke from his royal slumber to the alluring smell of cooking. 'I'm hungry, feed me!' was his first words as he rose from his bed to his frightened servants. 'What is that smell, it's smells like nothing I have smelt before!' bellowed the king.

'It's coming from the village bakers Sire.' they replied.

'Then it is mine, I demand that you find out what it is and bring it to me now, I shall have it for breakfast.'.

'But...Sire, it's the villages food!' they nervously replied.

'If you don't bring me what they are cooking I'll have you all boiled in a big pot and served with roast potatoes, fetch me that food NOW!' and with that they all scurried away to do the kings bidding.

Shortly afterwards they returned and presented the king who was still sat in bed with what they had found. It was a small perfectly formed pie, no bigger than your hand. With it was a letter from the baker, it simply said 'Only eat what you need or your need will only be eat'.

'Stuff and nonsense!' and the king, for he was the king dismissed the letter, sniffed the pie then without hesitation popped it in his mouth and it was gone in an instant, he was indeed a greedy vile king. 'Delicious!' he intoned.

'What?' Said the king as he sat looking at the servants staring back at him.

'Your nose Sire, it's changed'

Surely enough as the king reached up to his face he felt an unfamiliar object, a snout, not a nose had appeared. His jaw started to open and shut automagically, unable to speak he could only chew and chew he did. First went the silver tray, straight into his mouth, secondly the bed, all scoffed in an instant. Nothing was inedible for the automatic chomping snout laden king. Bed stands, doors, carpets, windows they all disappeared into the kings ever expanding waistline as he munched his way out of the bedroom and further into the castle oinking uncontrollably.

With a look of terror in his eyes the king reached his throne room and chomp, the throne was gone, swallowed whole, for the king was now growing at an ever expanding rate. In went the kings jewels, his fortune in gold, halfway through eating the banqueting table his crowned head reached the ceiling and his sides touched all four walls. His appetite knew no bounds. Off came the roof of the castle, the turrets cantered down his throat, brick after brick the castle was consumed as the servants fled fearing for their lives. Finally the last brick was gone and the king was left sitting on a circular patch of grass surrounded by a moat.

The villages had gathered around the moat, the baker stood at the front, smiling.

The king was still hungry, still greedy, still vile. 'Feed me!' he boomed in a booming voice that boomed across the land.

'No!' Shouted back the villages, 'No more!' They all added.

Just then the king noticed something he hadn't eaten. Ten small piggies barely within reach. Bending over to bursting point he managed to get one in his mouth, then another followed by eight more until both feet were in his mouth. As he chomped and chomped he slowly shrank until he had completely eaten himself. All that was left was his crown which the baker now retrieved.

The land of Makeituptia and the people herein never forgot their greedy vile king and to make sure they never had a greedy vile king again the baker made a special pie, the Porky Pie using the crown shape to give it a distinctive crown like top. And the baker, what was his secret? Well, that my dear blog reader is another story...

Hee-Haw!!!!!! Look At My ASS!

Its Monday morning so its time for Donkey Wise Donkey Advise, our regular column dedicated to your problems with our Wise Donkey solutions. Todays blog has been sponsored by www.donkeydodonkeydontdonkeywisedonkeylies.com a subsidiarity of www.sheepgobaapigsgooinkandpandassitaroundalotandlooksad.com

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I am a working mother of two and I have recently run up a large credit card bill without my husbands knowledge. To cover the payments I went to a loan shark who charged me 1000% interest on the ten pounds I borrowed. I now owe the loan shark £19,923 and the credit card company £83,993 what shall I do wise donkeys?

A.Concerned For My Kneecaps, Dudley

Well you have got yourself in a little bother haven't you dear, we need to get those debts in order as soon as possible. I recommend buying a large saddle, a blanket and a nose bag. Take all these down to Skegness beach and harness yourself up. Offer rides up and down the beach just like we do in times of trouble and pretty soon you will be making money hand over fist. You can also charge to have a photo taken with you for extra income. Wear a small bell so you attract attention as you canter up and down the sands. You will be debt free in no time. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a terrible habit of always finishing off other peoples food, it has had such an impact on my life I now weigh just over one metric ton and fear it may hinder my job prospects of becoming a prima ballerina. What should I do?

Eddie Large Cake, Piecrust, Northants.

Don't worry Eddie, we have the perfect solution. Our new fitness regime Donkeyrobics, a cardio vascular exercise that will banish those pounds instantly. Simply buy a saddle, a blanket and nose bag and pop down to the beach. Offer rides up and down a mile stretch of beach and watch those pounds drop away. At night simply retire to a small field and gallop around a little before settling down on a pile of hay. I guarantee you will feel fitter and get closer to you dream of being a prima ballerina in no time at all. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a penchant for wanting to dress up in my wife's clothes when she is out, is this normal and what should I do?

Billy Frilly Knickers, Kinky, Essex

It's perfectly normal to have feelings like this, our recommendation is to be open about it with your wife. Get her to share your passion and encourage you to dress up in her underwear, then apply a little lippy, nail varnish and make up. To help your transition into society simply buy a saddle, blanket and nose bag and get down to the beach. People will love to ride you up and down the sands for a fee especially as you have gone to the trouble of dressing up a little. You wife can act as your handler so you can both enjoy cross dressing beach riding as if its perfectly normal, which as we know it is!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
You are crap, all you ever talk about is running up and down the sand.

Miss I.M.Honest

Well get you! Don't knock it until you have tried it dearie. Frolicking up and down the sands with some random stranger straddling you sounds right up your street you little strumpet. From what I have heard you even do it for free, tart!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
Your weekly column has been suspended until further notice. You are not funny or entertaining in any way and you also break all donkey rules by being able to use a keyboard.

A.Ass, Association Of Donkey Poking Of Britain.

Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw!!!!

Bustin' Make's You Feel Good

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.

Balls Of Snow

Snow, you would never have guessed it would you but they have told us to expect a few inches this weekend but then again I have been promised that before and disappointed, you lot really do have dirty minds don't you? It's bought on a bit of a nostalgic streak as I really don't enjoy snow but every time I'm reminded of an episode many years ago from my school days when I sat looking out of the window during a particularly snowy break time.

I say looking, I was actually pressed up against the window mouth open agog at what I saw. A group of pupils rolling very large balls of snow into position at the base of a very large tallywhacker. It was enormous, well over seven feet high, the balls alone looked around three feet each and it was taking four to roll them because they were so heavy. Impressive. Not so impressive for the teacher who looked out of the window and foolishly decided to put an end to their snow erection. Out he went in his patent brown shoes, completely unsuitable for snow if you ask me, and the pupils scattered leaving teacher with no culprits to apprehend but a very large phallic object to deal with.

What did he do? Well he did the best thing he could, he launched into it with his shoes, kicking it and generally trying to destabilise it. The balls took some demolishing but the rest, after one kick too far, came tumbling down only to knock him over.

What did you do today at school? Well, we had English, Physics and I watched my maths teacher kick the hell out of a seven foot cock and balls before he got crushed by a snow penis. Really, you couldn't write it could you. Anyway, why am I telling you of this, ah, I remember. I hated snow at school.

As soon as a little snow fell you knew that as you moved between lessons and you had to venture outside to move between buildings some jolly fellow was either going to throw a snowball at you or stuff snow down the back of your neck. I dreaded it every year, this particular year was no exception, the snow had fallen heavily and I had already received my fair share of snow attacks. So gingerly I started to go to my next lesson seeing ahead that fellow pupils were being treated to a snowball barrage as they approached. One pupil in particular was absolutely loving it, pelting everybody into submission and beyond, even when they were curled up on the floor he carried on, not nice.

There are moments in your life that are pure beauty, moments that are so exquisite you recollect them later with a fondness, this is one such moment.

I approached cautiously using my bag as a shield, it didn't help much, snowballs ricocheted off my bag, trousers and the top of my head until one hit me squarely on the cheek. I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped, time seemed to slow down as all the anger started to focus my brain on defending myself. My bag became a shield and just like in the Matrix clarity abounded and effortlessly I started to deflect every snowball, not only that I started to approach the snow bully to which he turned and run to a safe distance. This angered me more so I dropped the bag and reached down to make the biggest snowball I could, I was going to hit him and hit him hard with a snowball packed with all the injustice he had served on my fellow pupils.

I rose back up holding my super snowball and took aim, I started to walk toward him too. Sensing something was amiss he dropped to his knees to gather enough snow to out snowball me. I took aim an threw it.

Actually I didn't, I slipped instead as I threw, the snowball instead of hitting my opponent sailed aimlessly high into the air as I fell backwards. From my horizontal position I lifted my head to see the bully laughing, still on his knees. A big hearty laugh that you know as a child will stay with you for the rest of your life.

Then it hit.

The snowball by some lucky fluke had managed to return to earth at a shattering speed to hit my assailant square in the booty box as he knelt on the ground. His laugh froze, his hands went to his crotch and he keeled over. Cue rapturous applause, standing ovations etc. Justice had been served.

I'd like to say that all was fine after that but due to my fortunate or unfortunate take down of said pupil I was reported for throwing snowballs, my bully however got off scot free apart from his bruised ego and nether regions, such is life.

Like I said, I hated snow at school but if you are a teacher and you are planning on kicking down any seven foot cock and balls today please for heavens sake wear sensible footwear.

Hoff Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

If like me you always have the perfect Christmas with perfect food, presents and me then you should give me a call, if not, all you other non-Hoffs can follow my handy guide to Christmas. Ho Ho Hoff and away we go!

Christmas dinner for the Hoff is a perfect plate on a perfect table in a perfect house in a perfect world, Hoff world, to save you from yourself here's a guide on what type of Christmas cook you are and how to avoid a un-Hoff Christmas disaster.

If your Christmas dinner looks like this then you are what I call a 'drowner'. Overcooked veg and limp slimy meat partially saved by a large Yorkshire pudding is then hidden under a Tsunami of gravy that has started to separate into fat around the edges. This is un-Hoffy, it should resemble my massively chiseled handsome features, stare at a picture of me until you understand the Hoff and try again or learn to cook Beef Stroganhoff.

If you serve this you are too Hoff to handle. Man, the beauty of waffles instead of potatoes and luncheon meat wrapped sausages and frozen mixed veg is Hoff the scale, well done, you can sit at my table any time. I might even show you my pocket Kitt.

Only the Hoff can serve de-constructed food because only the Hoff is awesome enough in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom, dang, I'm awesome everywhere don't hassle the Hoff with this bring me something Hoff the scale like a burger.

This is more like it, there is nothing more satisfying for the Hoff than settling down in my perfect body to chow down on a Pot Noodle and to finish off with a banhoffie pie. The ideal meal to share with your other Hoff on Christmas Day and whilst you dream about me as you eat your banhoffie pie you must listen to the Hoff and his special choice of music and gifts.

You can't get more Christmassy than this, listen to classics like All I Want For Christmas Is Hoff and The Hoffy And The Ivy sang by my friend Rico who helped me bring down the Berlin Wall, penned 'Freedom' with me and advised me to wear a jacket filled with Christmas lights many years ago.

Straight Hoff the peg is my special Christmas jumper to cover my superb muscular body, get ready to get Hoff on this girls, nobody fills a jumper like the Hoff.

Hoff the time spent in the kitchen this Christmas with my self propelled rolling pin, the perfect kitchen aid accompaniment whilst you drink a hot cup of Hoffee. 

The Hoff doesn't forget the little ones either, how about this attractive toy, it's only Hoff price at the moment an Hoffer you can't refuse.

As one final surprise I, the Hoff have allowed all my chest hair to be donated and turned into these attractive dog wigs. Sure enhoff they will be available shortly from my online store Hoffelujah.hoff, only one per customer. Wear the Hoff, feel the Hoff, worship the Hoff you know you want to, some like it Hoff.

Hoff yourself a very Merry Christmas, I'm logging Hoff but will return, you can't keep a good Hoff down.

Today's blog entry bought to you by the Hoff Outreach Foundation Family or HOFF for short. 

Bangers!

Launched today is a fifty two part magazine 'Big Bangers' revealing the secrets of successful sausage skills and taking you through the professional techniques needed to become a Master Banger. Over the course of the year your will learn how to create your own tasty sausage sizzlers using nothing more than offal, sawdust, herbs, a mangle, a piece of rubber tubing and balloons. Handy charts will allow you to identify a Cumberland from twenty feet whilst you will learn the difference between health and safety as you attempt to mix batches of lips, eyes and arseholes.

Amaze friends with your latest creation as they chow down on such delicacies as the 'eight incher', a sausage with a mighty girth filled with delicious tripe, astound family when you turn your kitchen into a portable butchery shop and save pounds as you learn how to turn road kill into tasty treats using bleach.

In the first issue receive this gift absolutely free!

A link of commemorative Linconshire sausages, ready to cook. (N.B. Issue must be purchased on day of release as free gift may go green). In issue two we start you on the road to being a sausage stallion with our second free gift of a pig intestine, collect issues three to forty two to get the whole pig. By issue fifty we will give you a chance to purchase a Big Banger glass fronted fridge freezer in which to display all your pig parts. (N.B. may require a nominal charge of £299)

Future issues include

How To Be A Bender, The Perfect Cumberland Shape

Bury Your Pork, Aging Sausages The Old Fasioned Way

Push Or Pull? The Perils Of Sausage Stuffing

How To Bang Her, Adding Spice To Your Favourite Sausage

Size Has Nothing To Do With It, A Guide To Ramming Your Sausages With Taste

It'll Scrub Out, Cleaning Up your Kitchen After Butchery

Are You A Mincer?, Grinding Up The Correct Gristle

Using or step-by-step system we teach you how to smoke your sausages, pretty soon you will have a packet of twenty Pigerettes that you can share with friends. You will also learn how to roll your own Pigars for the ultimate in luxury.

Accurate photos guide you through stuffing your horn hole to pump up your bangers, how to hand crank all night and how to 'go naked' at sausage parties using man made casings. Finally in issue fifty two we have handy hints on wrapping your sausage for the perfect home made Christmas gift.

All this an more at the starting price of £4 for issue one! (N.B. Normal retail price after issue one is £9.99)

From your local newsagent NOW!

Also look out for our companion magazines, 'Loo Zoo', over forty two issues turn your lavatory into a petting zoo and 'Ape Shape', become a professional monkey barber, first issue includes Chimp Scissors!