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Merry Christmas, S*itter Was Full

1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.

2. Roll out paper so it's flat.

3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.

4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.

5. Curse.

6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.

7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1

8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.

9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.

10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.

11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.

12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.

13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present

14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.

15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.

16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.

17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.

18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.

19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.

20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.

21. Stick first edge down carefully.

22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.

23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.

24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.

25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.

26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.

27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.

28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27

29. Get present.

30. Buy a bag bigger than present.

31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.

32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.

33. Sleep in chair.

34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.

33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.

34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.

35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.

36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.

37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.

38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.

39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.

40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.

41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.

42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.

43. January 5th join Gym.

44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.

45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.

46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.

47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.

48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.

49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.

50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.

51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.

*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.

Welcome To Your 14-Day Guide - All Your Family Favourites! Best Value Double Issue ONLY 95p

Welcome to your 14-Day Guide

All your family favourites!

Best Value Double Issue 95p

CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS

Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock

BBC1

4:00am Christmas LIVE

Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.

10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey

Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.

11:00am Chicken Run

Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.

3:00am The Queen

Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.

5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing

Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.

7:30pm Doctor Who

Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.

N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!

8:30pm Eastenders

In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.

BBC2

7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas

Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.

11:00am - 9:30pm Morecambe & Wise

In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia inter-spliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecambe & Wise.

N.B. I quote from knowledgeable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.

ITV

9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie

What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it single handedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an Oscar award winning classic.

1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas

A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.

6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street

Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.

8:30pm Downton Abbey

Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.

CHANNEL 4

I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?

8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With A Guest Who Buggers Off To A Hotel Between Shots

Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'

11:05pm Father Ted

It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.

12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes

Feck! Drink!

CHANNEL 5

Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?

Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart, CSI and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!

9:30pm This Is It

Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?

Repeats, glorious repeats!

I'd expect nothing else.

Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.

Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.

Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,

With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,

Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu...

THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR

We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.

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