tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-317896772024-03-13T19:13:25.299+00:00Peter Smith - Blogging The ImPossiMaLTM & © 2015 Peter & Jayne Smith. Impossimals® is a registered trademark of Peter Smith Collective LtdPeter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.comBlogger872125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-11444811858697287072015-12-07T17:59:00.002+00:002015-12-07T17:59:44.644+00:00We've MOVED!<div style="text-align: center;">
WE HAVE MOVED!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
FIND US<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://petersmithartist.co.uk/">HERE</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
or</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
GO</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
HERE</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
http://petersmithartist.co.uk/</div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-69993771650176578582015-12-03T06:55:00.001+00:002015-12-03T06:55:42.563+00:00Merry Christmas, S*itter Was Full<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w66snDM8Yk8/Vl_nSgc-lhI/AAAAAAAAP3g/mimvH32KCxQ/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w66snDM8Yk8/Vl_nSgc-lhI/AAAAAAAAP3g/mimvH32KCxQ/s320/1.jpg" width="222" /></a></div>
<br />
1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.<br />
<br />
2. Roll out paper so it's flat.<br />
<br />
3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.<br />
<br />
4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.<br />
<br />
5. Curse.<br />
<br />
6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.<br />
<br />
7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1<br />
<br />
8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.<br />
<br />
9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.<br />
<br />
10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.<br />
<br />
11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.<br />
<br />
12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.<br />
<br />
13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present<br />
<br />
14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.<br />
<br />
15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.<br />
<br />
16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.<br />
<br />
17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.<br />
<br />
18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.<br />
<br />
19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.<br />
<br />
20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.<br />
<br />
21. Stick first edge down carefully.<br />
<br />
22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.<br />
<br />
23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.<br />
<br />
24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.<br />
<br />
25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.<br />
<br />
26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.<br />
<br />
27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.<br />
<br />
28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27<br />
<br />
29. Get present.<br />
<br />
30. Buy a bag bigger than present.<br />
<br />
31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.<br />
<br />
32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.<br />
<br />
33. Sleep in chair.<br />
<br />
34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.<br />
<br />
33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.<br />
<br />
34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.<br />
<br />
35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.<br />
<br />
36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.<br />
<br />
37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.<br />
<br />
38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.<br />
<br />
39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.<br />
<br />
40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.<br />
<br />
41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly<br />
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.<br />
<br />
42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.<br />
<br />
43. January 5th join Gym.<br />
<br />
44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.<br />
<br />
45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.<br />
<br />
46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.<br />
<br />
47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.<br />
<br />
48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.<br />
<br />
49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.<br />
<br />
50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.<br />
<br />
51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.<br />
<br />
*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-23519102454866028572015-12-01T06:27:00.000+00:002015-12-01T06:27:01.239+00:00Welcome To Your 14-Day Guide - All Your Family Favourites! Best Value Double Issue ONLY 95p<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-rgIuv-yFfMM/UrAL3_p4wSI/AAAAAAAANC0/m2etnT0d7-U/s599/Photo%25252017%252520Dec%2525202013%25252008%25253A28.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="445" id="blogsy-1387269097342.556" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-rgIuv-yFfMM/UrAL3_p4wSI/AAAAAAAANC0/m2etnT0d7-U/s400/Photo%25252017%252520Dec%2525202013%25252008%25253A28.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
Welcome to your 14-Day Guide</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
All your family favourites!</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
Best Value Double Issue 95p</div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">BBC1</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">4:00am Christmas LIVE</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">11:00am Chicken Run</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">3:00am The Queen</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">7:30pm Doctor Who</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">8:30pm Eastenders</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">BBC2</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">11:00am - 9:30pm Morecambe & Wise</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia inter-spliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecambe & Wise.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">N.B. I quote from knowledgeable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">ITV</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it single handedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an Oscar award winning classic.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">8:30pm Downton Abbey</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">CHANNEL 4</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With A Guest Who Buggers Off To A Hotel Between Shots</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">11:05pm Father Ted</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Feck! Drink!</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">CHANNEL 5</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart, CSI and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">9:30pm This Is It</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Repeats, glorious repeats!</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I'd expect nothing else.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu...</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">---------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">| TV Pluschoiceradiotimes 10p OFF |</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">---------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-87463403055544530212015-11-30T09:21:00.000+00:002015-11-30T09:21:21.139+00:00Something Special<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-frabGzo1Op0/VlwN2qH_gNI/AAAAAAAAP3A/J8UAMNKV5cg/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-frabGzo1Op0/VlwN2qH_gNI/AAAAAAAAP3A/J8UAMNKV5cg/s320/1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Over the last eleven years we have only ever allowed Impossimal artwork to be used on a select few quality products, the last being over five years ago with the final set of cufflinks so after much deliberation and a lot of making sure we only find the correct products we decided in the lead up to Christmas to allow the Impossimals to grace a few more through the use of an innovative and select online store.<br />
<br />
Impossimals do seem incredibly suited to certain items though. I myself fancied a new keyring and cufflinks and that is what started this new Impossimal creation, a need for something a little different and after a little bit of searching I found a place that would help us bring it all together.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, I'm rambling.<br />
<br />
Ahem, OK, here goes...<br />
<br />
There is a new Impossimal online store; it has selected Impossimal creations that compliment the limited editions and celebrate the Impossimal collections over the years including the brand new Lost Alice release with a series of three Bone China Mugs created just for the tour.<br />
<br />
It's not big, it's not here to replace anything, it's here to say thank you to everybody who has contacted us and all the emails we receive on a weekly basis asking for cufflinks, compacts, calendars and numerous other items for Impossimal collectors to cherish. We will be adding new Impossimal collectables on a regular basis and retiring others, each year we will have a single collectable Impossimal creation specifically just for that year. Other times we will have time limited editions to coincide with limited edition releases.<br />
<br />
So a nice little compliment to the Impossimal world and if you have any ideas of future Impossimal pieces or designs you would like to see then just let us know.<br />
<br />
The calendar is now on Amazon PRIME with guaranteed delivery times now they have finally got their act together after being overwhelmed by orders and breaking their system initially, you can find the link on our website at <a href="http://www.petersmithcollective.co.uk/">www.petersmithcollective.co.uk</a> or click <a href="http://www.petersmithcollective.co.uk/"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>HERE</b></span></a><br />
<br />
As for the new <b>online store</b>, well that can be found <a href="http://www.zazzle.co.uk/worldofimpossimals"><b><span style="font-size: large;">HERE</span></b></a><br />
<br />
<b>FINALLY..</b>.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>2016 NEW LIMITED EDITIONS!</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
2016 is the Year Of The Impossimal where we and the galleries go <b>IMPOSSIMAL</b> crazy!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Oodles of new editions coming your way including...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The follow up to 'Go Big Or Go Home'<b> - 'Wine Club'</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A Fabulous<b> 'You Are FAB'</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The Wonderful Family of Four in<b> 'Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This'</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And for all you doughnut loving people<b> 'Donut Worry, Be Happy!'</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
& MORE!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The galleries are getting ready, we are ready, are you ready?</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And then at the end of 2016 when you think it's all over, is this...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LU0mZHtFWiw/VlwUHfHoE7I/AAAAAAAAP3Q/J2W8hcQZjWY/s1600/IMG_0425.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LU0mZHtFWiw/VlwUHfHoE7I/AAAAAAAAP3Q/J2W8hcQZjWY/s320/IMG_0425.JPG" width="319" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">It's going to be fab!</span></b></div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-75877133909220524952015-11-27T12:04:00.001+00:002015-11-27T12:04:19.132+00:00FREE GIFT! Knob Twiddler Weakly<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-NeEFdStqlJE/UNBDemgAAFI/AAAAAAAAJFc/679ZSR05tss/s965/Photo%25252018%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A13.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="507" id="blogsy-1355826051422.6604" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-NeEFdStqlJE/UNBDemgAAFI/AAAAAAAAJFc/679ZSR05tss/s400/Photo%25252018%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A13.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">In celebration of Peter and Jayne appearing at Castle Galleries Norwich tomorrow between 1-4pm all welcome here's our Friday Free Gift to you, the knob twiddling public!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Your pocket guide to Christmas Day television and beyond, simply use our patent screen scissors to cut out your computer or laptop screen to have this free guide to Christmas always handy.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Christmas Eve</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">9am Sinbad And The Eye Of The Chicken - Sinbad stumbles from a fantastic voyage battling mythical creatures into a well known chicken drive through restaurant only to find his Chicken burger is looking back at him. A fight ensues and Sinbad discovers there's more to his burger than he first thought as he uncovers a secret lips, eyes and arsehole processing factory. Disgusted he releases the Kraken in revenge and opens an ethical restaurant in Hull.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">1pm Cash In The Attic - We visit celebrities with the HMRC for a Christmas tax avoidance special and find out just how much untaxed cash they really stuff in the attic and under their beds. Special guest appearance sponsored by Ken Dodds Mattress</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">2pm FILM - Santa Clause - When Santa falls down a chimney a legal battle ensues as Santa sues the entire population of the world for having unsafe chimneys and householders for enticing him with booze leading to alcoholism and mince pies leading to diabetes. Using legal aid Santa manages to win his case forcing banks to pay out billions in compensation, governments to announce austerity cutbacks worldwide and banks to ask for bail outs. As we slide as a nation into anarchy Santa sues again, this time for not allowing for his disabilities and failing to supply parking facilities for his sled and reindeer. Another win for Santa further squeezes the coffers and budgets to schools, hospitals, the emergency services and highway maintenance leaving the government no option but to announce will the last one to leave the UK please turn off the light. Entertaining! 5/5 *****</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">5pm Strictly Dancing On Ice In The Jungle - Ant and Deck, our chirpy presenters take seventy three has been celebs through several trials as they attempt to foxtrot wearing ice skates over crocodile infested pools whilst eating kangaroo gonads. Vote lines are now open dial 0800 YES-PLEASE to vote yes and make sure that we throw Ant and Deck to the crocs.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">6pm The Snowman - Shown every year its a sad tale of a disillusional boy who has no friends and has to make them out of snow. Uncaring parents let him cavort about outside wearing nothing but his pyjamas and allow him to open his door to a naked stranger wearing just a hat and a scarf in the dead of night, a stranger that sinisterly tries out his parents false teeth before abducting the boy. A drug fuelled sequence shows the turmoil in the boys head as he experiences a flying sensation and dancing snowmen before being dumped in front of a jolly drunk who entices him with the promise of a present. Cert 18 - May contain disturbing drug induced scenes and a death sequence at the end. Watch out for the exciting follow up tale including a dead dog.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">7pm Coronation Street - In a family Christmas special a posse of Eastenders invade the street in an attempt to win this years soap awards. Gail Platt throws the first punch at Peggy Mitchell who retaliates by setting fire to Ken Barlows hair, twenty six fights occur simultaneously as the street erupts into Christmas violence when it is revealed that Pat Butcher is the love child of Ena Sharples and Arthur Fowler. A tram crashes through the flimsy sets whilst a multi car pileup causes mayhem in the shop when it tips over a display of tea bags. Featuring four plane crashes, three murders, two affairs and a partridge in a pair tree this episode will bring a smile to everyone this Christmas.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">9pm A Christmas Nativity - Problems abound at Canterbury Cathedral when a donkey bought in to stand next to the manger goes berserk knocking baby Jesus to the floor and stamping on several wise men before being restrained. A delightful modern production guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye even if it's just for a wish for it to end.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">9:30pm Lets Rev Your Kid Up - A program special designed to get your kids ripped up to maximum excitement levels so they play you up when you tell them it's time for bed. Guaranteed to make sure they wake up every twenty minutes from 1am to check for Santa.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">12pm Carols From Westminster - Hopefully 24,365 Carols will attend this yearly event to try and break last years record of 22,615 Carols in one place. Participants must bring their birth certificate along on the day as proof of being a Carol. Our most popular broadcast will take you through the Carols as they file in and out of Westminster and are counted along the way. Riveting stuff.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Tomorrow we have Christmas Day covered. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-STwwQ-jPzGg/UNBDgPr04YI/AAAAAAAAJFk/IFOhirNRbdM/s608/Photo%25252018%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A13.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="198" id="blogsy-1355826051380.9688" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-STwwQ-jPzGg/UNBDgPr04YI/AAAAAAAAJFk/IFOhirNRbdM/s400/Photo%25252018%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A13.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">TV listings courtesy of Knob Twiddlers Weakly, your only guide to Knob Twiddling.</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-12246049844032520972015-11-24T07:58:00.001+00:002015-11-24T07:58:56.799+00:00It's All Pies I Tell You!<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-lCvw3iM6Dmk/Ud57PNcVPUI/AAAAAAAAMH4/gIwHeHABLyg/s887/Photo%25252011%252520Jul%2525202013%25252008%25253A28.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="287" id="blogsy-1373535037489.87" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-lCvw3iM6Dmk/Ud57PNcVPUI/AAAAAAAAMH4/gIwHeHABLyg/s400/Photo%25252011%252520Jul%2525202013%25252008%25253A28.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
Hi, I'm Rod Stewart and I officially don't endorse today's blog entry.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
What if the world was made of chewing gum? Everything you touch was sticky and could be bent and shaped into whatever you wanted. Pieces could be broken off and chewed then spat out to become part of the world again. Yes, my mind is unravelling again. It's these kind of weird thoughts that makes me wonder if I am indeed a little mentally disturbed. It's just not normal is it?</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Anyway, in the vain hope that this will clear my mind of its mental tumble weeds I thought I would share with you the story of the King Of Pieopolis.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in a big castle in the land of Makeituptia. The king was a greedy vile one, he ruled his subjects with a iron fist and always demanded more of them than they could give. 'More taxes!' he would say, 'More gifts!' he would demand, 'More food!' he would declare as his poverty strapped subjects starved. He loved it, they hated it, everybody despised the greedy vile King.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'What shall we do? What can we do?' chorused his subjects but one person remained mysteriously quiet. He was the village baker, he knew what they could do and he told them, quietly and secretively. They all grinned, returned to their homes to fetch one grain of wheat and gave it to the baker. Soon the baker had enough grains to grind to make the flour and to make his secret.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
The king awoke from his royal slumber to the alluring smell of cooking. 'I'm hungry, feed me!' was his first words as he rose from his bed to his frightened servants. 'What is that smell, it's smells like nothing I have smelt before!' bellowed the king.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'It's coming from the village bakers Sire.' they replied.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'Then it is mine, I demand that you find out what it is and bring it to me now, I shall have it for breakfast.'.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'But...Sire, it's the villages food!' they nervously replied.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'If you don't bring me what they are cooking I'll have you all boiled in a big pot and served with roast potatoes, fetch me that food NOW!' and with that they all scurried away to do the kings bidding.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Shortly afterwards they returned and presented the king who was still sat in bed with what they had found. It was a small perfectly formed pie, no bigger than your hand. With it was a letter from the baker, it simply said 'Only eat what you need or your need will only be eat'.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'Stuff and nonsense!' and the king, for he was the king dismissed the letter, sniffed the pie then without hesitation popped it in his mouth and it was gone in an instant, he was indeed a greedy vile king. 'Delicious!' he intoned.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'What?' Said the king as he sat looking at the servants staring back at him.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'Your nose Sire, it's changed'</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Surely enough as the king reached up to his face he felt an unfamiliar object, a snout, not a nose had appeared. His jaw started to open and shut automagically, unable to speak he could only chew and chew he did. First went the silver tray, straight into his mouth, secondly the bed, all scoffed in an instant. Nothing was inedible for the automatic chomping snout laden king. Bed stands, doors, carpets, windows they all disappeared into the kings ever expanding waistline as he munched his way out of the bedroom and further into the castle oinking uncontrollably.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
With a look of terror in his eyes the king reached his throne room and chomp, the throne was gone, swallowed whole, for the king was now growing at an ever expanding rate. In went the kings jewels, his fortune in gold, halfway through eating the banqueting table his crowned head reached the ceiling and his sides touched all four walls. His appetite knew no bounds. Off came the roof of the castle, the turrets cantered down his throat, brick after brick the castle was consumed as the servants fled fearing for their lives. Finally the last brick was gone and the king was left sitting on a circular patch of grass surrounded by a moat.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
The villages had gathered around the moat, the baker stood at the front, smiling.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
The king was still hungry, still greedy, still vile. 'Feed me!' he boomed in a booming voice that boomed across the land.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
'No!' Shouted back the villages, 'No more!' They all added.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Just then the king noticed something he hadn't eaten. Ten small piggies barely within reach. Bending over to bursting point he managed to get one in his mouth, then another followed by eight more until both feet were in his mouth. As he chomped and chomped he slowly shrank until he had completely eaten himself. All that was left was his crown which the baker now retrieved.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
The land of Makeituptia and the people herein never forgot their greedy vile king and to make sure they never had a greedy vile king again the baker made a special pie, the Porky Pie using the crown shape to give it a distinctive crown like top. And the baker, what was his secret? Well, that my dear blog reader is another story...</div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-85548376008813710482015-11-23T09:40:00.000+00:002015-11-23T09:40:11.240+00:00Hee-Haw!!!!!! Look At My ASS!<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zB1c_Xgo4Zo/UWKTNDQyDWI/AAAAAAAALa8/IQj6UQsnKPA/s1600/donk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zB1c_Xgo4Zo/UWKTNDQyDWI/AAAAAAAALa8/IQj6UQsnKPA/s320/donk.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Its Monday morning so its time for Donkey Wise Donkey Advise, our regular column dedicated to your problems with our Wise Donkey solutions. Todays blog has been sponsored by www.donkeydodonkeydontdonkeywisedonkeylies.com a subsidiarity of www.sheepgobaapigsgooinkandpandassitaroundalotandlooksad.com</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Dear Three Wise Donkeys,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I am a working mother of two and I have recently run up a large credit card bill without my husbands knowledge. To cover the payments I went to a loan shark who charged me 1000% interest on the ten pounds I borrowed. I now owe the loan shark £19,923 and the credit card company £83,993 what shall I do wise donkeys?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A.Concerned For My Kneecaps, Dudley</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Well you have got yourself in a little bother haven't you dear, we need to get those debts in order as soon as possible. I recommend buying a large saddle, a blanket and a nose bag. Take all these down to Skegness beach and harness yourself up. Offer rides up and down the beach just like we do in times of trouble and pretty soon you will be making money hand over fist. You can also charge to have a photo taken with you for extra income. Wear a small bell so you attract attention as you canter up and down the sands. You will be debt free in no time. Next!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Dear Three Wise Donkeys,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I have a terrible habit of always finishing off other peoples food, it has had such an impact on my life I now weigh just over one metric ton and fear it may hinder my job prospects of becoming a prima ballerina. What should I do?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Eddie Large Cake, Piecrust, Northants.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Don't worry Eddie, we have the perfect solution. Our new fitness regime Donkeyrobics, a cardio vascular exercise that will banish those pounds instantly. Simply buy a saddle, a blanket and nose bag and pop down to the beach. Offer rides up and down a mile stretch of beach and watch those pounds drop away. At night simply retire to a small field and gallop around a little before settling down on a pile of hay. I guarantee you will feel fitter and get closer to you dream of being a prima ballerina in no time at all. Next!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Dear Three Wise Donkeys,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I have a penchant for wanting to dress up in my wife's clothes when she is out, is this normal and what should I do?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Billy Frilly Knickers, Kinky, Essex</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It's perfectly normal to have feelings like this, our recommendation is to be open about it with your wife. Get her to share your passion and encourage you to dress up in her underwear, then apply a little lippy, nail varnish and make up. To help your transition into society simply buy a saddle, blanket and nose bag and get down to the beach. People will love to ride you up and down the sands for a fee especially as you have gone to the trouble of dressing up a little. You wife can act as your handler so you can both enjoy cross dressing beach riding as if its perfectly normal, which as we know it is!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Dear Three Wise Donkeys,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">You are crap, all you ever talk about is running up and down the sand.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Miss I.M.Honest</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Well get you! Don't knock it until you have tried it dearie. Frolicking up and down the sands with some random stranger straddling you sounds right up your street you little strumpet. From what I have heard you even do it for free, tart!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Dear Three Wise Donkeys,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Your weekly column has been suspended until further notice. You are not funny or entertaining in any way and you also break all donkey rules by being able to use a keyboard.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A.Ass, Association Of Donkey Poking Of Britain.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw!!!!</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-20094694866143532952015-11-19T08:58:00.000+00:002015-11-19T08:58:49.004+00:00Bustin' Make's You Feel Good<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE</div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-pRITaBWSWP8/UJTuW1kIKcI/AAAAAAAAIFc/LsPxCtGRmTg/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252009%25253A00.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="427" id="blogsy-1351937713245.0315" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-pRITaBWSWP8/UJTuW1kIKcI/AAAAAAAAIFc/LsPxCtGRmTg/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252009%25253A00.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-IBR0dP82IPY/UJTuYBxOXvI/AAAAAAAAIFk/3hgA7KpAO3s/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252009%25253A00.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="287" id="blogsy-1351937713208.0767" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-IBR0dP82IPY/UJTuYBxOXvI/AAAAAAAAIFk/3hgA7KpAO3s/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252009%25253A00.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-yuMJD3UQ168/UJTuZXTSWcI/AAAAAAAAIFs/FhTktB0pmg0/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A24.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="177" id="blogsy-1351937713244.792" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-yuMJD3UQ168/UJTuZXTSWcI/AAAAAAAAIFs/FhTktB0pmg0/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A24.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-kOspHgUgxXc/UJTua1QOB6I/AAAAAAAAIF0/iGJ8zlPm6Hc/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A21.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="536" id="blogsy-1351937713241.008" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-kOspHgUgxXc/UJTua1QOB6I/AAAAAAAAIF0/iGJ8zlPm6Hc/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A21.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Just then we heard a noise behind us...</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-d_0rW5O9cao/UJTucA3doyI/AAAAAAAAIF8/Edbe3XIty40/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A26.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="533" id="blogsy-1351937713244.535" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-d_0rW5O9cao/UJTucA3doyI/AAAAAAAAIF8/Edbe3XIty40/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A26.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-9iKqOs8skmE/UJTudk3sT7I/AAAAAAAAIGE/8uJb1yHFX5A/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A25.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="535" id="blogsy-1351937713258.6064" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-9iKqOs8skmE/UJTudk3sT7I/AAAAAAAAIGE/8uJb1yHFX5A/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A25.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-OJ-QmZEhJmU/UJTufX0RbJI/AAAAAAAAIGM/1WuLaKRrusg/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A13.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="536" id="blogsy-1351937713250.5986" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-OJ-QmZEhJmU/UJTufX0RbJI/AAAAAAAAIGM/1WuLaKRrusg/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A13.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-r7AQbgRBGoo/UJTughKbQkI/AAAAAAAAIGU/jT6YqPvzcp8/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A22.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="536" id="blogsy-1351937713272.512" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-r7AQbgRBGoo/UJTughKbQkI/AAAAAAAAIGU/jT6YqPvzcp8/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A22.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-gF_dSr8Tz_c/UJTuiYrE8LI/AAAAAAAAIGc/4nmH1ShdkeE/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A15.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="536" id="blogsy-1351937713253.5754" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-gF_dSr8Tz_c/UJTuiYrE8LI/AAAAAAAAIGc/4nmH1ShdkeE/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A15.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-vVYNaZOtTIU/UJTuj_7yWCI/AAAAAAAAIGk/Bgmuk_ja8Xc/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A18.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="536" id="blogsy-1351937713250.1736" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-vVYNaZOtTIU/UJTuj_7yWCI/AAAAAAAAIGk/Bgmuk_ja8Xc/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A18.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-BfHvQb-hKGQ/UJTulfgGlyI/AAAAAAAAIGo/723s4e6IqiA/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A16.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="536" id="blogsy-1351937713238.5422" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-BfHvQb-hKGQ/UJTulfgGlyI/AAAAAAAAIGo/723s4e6IqiA/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A16.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-uqvca3eECDI/UJTurTH33qI/AAAAAAAAIG0/jmSe_QN0suo/s1530/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A48.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="535" id="blogsy-1351937713267.009" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-uqvca3eECDI/UJTurTH33qI/AAAAAAAAIG0/jmSe_QN0suo/s500/Photo%2525203%252520Nov%2525202012%25252008%25253A48.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">You have been warned.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Don't have nightmares.</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-62319789057119343322015-11-18T07:46:00.001+00:002015-11-18T07:46:40.483+00:00Balls Of Snow<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-LFmNML9b9VY/UUwSLlCI06I/AAAAAAAALVE/q4BA2MKCNgA/s1100/Photo%25252022%252520Mar%2525202013%25252008%25253A05.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="125" id="blogsy-1363939888412.5073" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-LFmNML9b9VY/UUwSLlCI06I/AAAAAAAALVE/q4BA2MKCNgA/s400/Photo%25252022%252520Mar%2525202013%25252008%25253A05.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Snow, you would never have guessed it would you but they have told us to expect a few inches this weekend but then again I have been promised that before and disappointed, you lot really do have dirty minds don't you? It's bought on a bit of a nostalgic streak as I really don't enjoy snow but every time I'm reminded of an episode many years ago from my school days when I sat looking out of the window during a particularly snowy break time.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
I say looking, I was actually pressed up against the window mouth open agog at what I saw. A group of pupils rolling very large balls of snow into position at the base of a very large tallywhacker. It was enormous, well over seven feet high, the balls alone looked around three feet each and it was taking four to roll them because they were so heavy. Impressive. Not so impressive for the teacher who looked out of the window and foolishly decided to put an end to their snow erection. Out he went in his patent brown shoes, completely unsuitable for snow if you ask me, and the pupils scattered leaving teacher with no culprits to apprehend but a very large phallic object to deal with.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
What did he do? Well he did the best thing he could, he launched into it with his shoes, kicking it and generally trying to destabilise it. The balls took some demolishing but the rest, after one kick too far, came tumbling down only to knock him over.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
What did you do today at school? Well, we had English, Physics and I watched my maths teacher kick the hell out of a seven foot cock and balls before he got crushed by a snow penis. Really, you couldn't write it could you. Anyway, why am I telling you of this, ah, I remember. I hated snow at school.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
As soon as a little snow fell you knew that as you moved between lessons and you had to venture outside to move between buildings some jolly fellow was either going to throw a snowball at you or stuff snow down the back of your neck. I dreaded it every year, this particular year was no exception, the snow had fallen heavily and I had already received my fair share of snow attacks. So gingerly I started to go to my next lesson seeing ahead that fellow pupils were being treated to a snowball barrage as they approached. One pupil in particular was absolutely loving it, pelting everybody into submission and beyond, even when they were curled up on the floor he carried on, not nice.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
There are moments in your life that are pure beauty, moments that are so exquisite you recollect them later with a fondness, this is one such moment.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
I approached cautiously using my bag as a shield, it didn't help much, snowballs ricocheted off my bag, trousers and the top of my head until one hit me squarely on the cheek. I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped, time seemed to slow down as all the anger started to focus my brain on defending myself. My bag became a shield and just like in the Matrix clarity abounded and effortlessly I started to deflect every snowball, not only that I started to approach the snow bully to which he turned and run to a safe distance. This angered me more so I dropped the bag and reached down to make the biggest snowball I could, I was going to hit him and hit him hard with a snowball packed with all the injustice he had served on my fellow pupils.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
I rose back up holding my super snowball and took aim, I started to walk toward him too. Sensing something was amiss he dropped to his knees to gather enough snow to out snowball me. I took aim an threw it.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Actually I didn't, I slipped instead as I threw, the snowball instead of hitting my opponent sailed aimlessly high into the air as I fell backwards. From my horizontal position I lifted my head to see the bully laughing, still on his knees. A big hearty laugh that you know as a child will stay with you for the rest of your life.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Then it hit.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
The snowball by some lucky fluke had managed to return to earth at a shattering speed to hit my assailant square in the booty box as he knelt on the ground. His laugh froze, his hands went to his crotch and he keeled over. Cue rapturous applause, standing ovations etc. Justice had been served.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
I'd like to say that all was fine after that but due to my fortunate or unfortunate take down of said pupil I was reported for throwing snowballs, my bully however got off scot free apart from his bruised ego and nether regions, such is life.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Like I said, I hated snow at school but if you are a teacher and you are planning on kicking down any seven foot cock and balls today please for heavens sake wear sensible footwear.</div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-32757584990181115732015-11-17T09:03:00.000+00:002015-11-17T09:03:07.312+00:00Hoff Yourself A Merry Little Christmas<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-ummGz6diIMA/UNLnoG5rz1I/AAAAAAAAJH8/-0WyhzQxTus/s600/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A24.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="303" id="blogsy-1355999229750.789" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-ummGz6diIMA/UNLnoG5rz1I/AAAAAAAAJH8/-0WyhzQxTus/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A24.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">If like me you always have the perfect Christmas with perfect food, presents and me then you should give me a call, if not, all you other non-Hoffs can follow my handy guide to Christmas. Ho Ho Hoff and away we go!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-7rN9fzNhRdQ/UNLnprfEktI/AAAAAAAAJIA/9jVVEJLhkAQ/s460/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A06.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="240" id="blogsy-1355999229737.087" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-7rN9fzNhRdQ/UNLnprfEktI/AAAAAAAAJIA/9jVVEJLhkAQ/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A06.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Christmas dinner for the Hoff is a perfect plate on a perfect table in a perfect house in a perfect world, Hoff world, to save you from yourself here's a guide on what type of Christmas cook you are and how to avoid a un-Hoff Christmas disaster.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-PauEP0r8skc/UNLnv2PTpCI/AAAAAAAAJIM/2qRrMuY_MZo/s2048/Photo%25252011%252520Dec%2525202010%25252020%25253A35.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="300" id="blogsy-1355999229746.6848" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-PauEP0r8skc/UNLnv2PTpCI/AAAAAAAAJIM/2qRrMuY_MZo/s400/Photo%25252011%252520Dec%2525202010%25252020%25253A35.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">If your Christmas dinner looks like this then you are what I call a 'drowner'. Overcooked veg and limp slimy meat partially saved by a large Yorkshire pudding is then hidden under a Tsunami of gravy that has started to separate into fat around the edges. This is un-Hoffy, it should resemble my massively chiseled handsome features, stare at a picture of me until you understand the Hoff and try again or learn to cook Beef Stroganhoff.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_ZX4kUpbhcc/UNLnxVIuqVI/AAAAAAAAJIU/KgHDgAJZTbk/s500/Photo%2525202%252520Dec%2525202011%25252011%25253A37.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="300" id="blogsy-1355999229698.692" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_ZX4kUpbhcc/UNLnxVIuqVI/AAAAAAAAJIU/KgHDgAJZTbk/s400/Photo%2525202%252520Dec%2525202011%25252011%25253A37.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">If you serve this you are too Hoff to handle. Man, the beauty of waffles instead of potatoes and luncheon meat wrapped sausages and frozen mixed veg is Hoff the scale, well done, you can sit at my table any time. I might even show you my pocket Kitt.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-PZnPqaY_Q0M/UNLnyaagQRI/AAAAAAAAJIc/nmqF9VKLViM/s550/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A07.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="300" id="blogsy-1355999229693.3284" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-PZnPqaY_Q0M/UNLnyaagQRI/AAAAAAAAJIc/nmqF9VKLViM/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A07.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Only the Hoff can serve de-constructed food because only the Hoff is awesome enough in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom, dang, I'm awesome everywhere don't hassle the Hoff with this bring me something Hoff the scale like a burger.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-8SpOc97jCAg/UNLn0FQ1zII/AAAAAAAAJIk/FEovfOUta34/s569/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A06.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="488" id="blogsy-1355999229685.957" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-8SpOc97jCAg/UNLn0FQ1zII/AAAAAAAAJIk/FEovfOUta34/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A06.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">This is more like it, there is nothing more satisfying for the Hoff than settling down in my perfect body to chow down on a Pot Noodle and to finish off with a banhoffie pie. The ideal meal to share with your other Hoff on Christmas Day and whilst you dream about me as you eat your banhoffie pie you must listen to the Hoff and his special choice of music and gifts.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-zJ7iNJQBGSc/UNLn1oeHiGI/AAAAAAAAJIs/ne1K69gsih0/s541/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A03.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="401" id="blogsy-1355999229682.1428" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-zJ7iNJQBGSc/UNLn1oeHiGI/AAAAAAAAJIs/ne1K69gsih0/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A03.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">You can't get more Christmassy than this, listen to classics like All I Want For Christmas Is Hoff and The Hoffy And The Ivy sang by my friend Rico who helped me bring down the Berlin Wall, penned 'Freedom' with me and advised me to wear a jacket filled with Christmas lights many years ago.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Li5GQJSKNSE/UNLn3W-7ssI/AAAAAAAAJI0/0_9djFj9n3Q/s650/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252011%25253A41.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="400" id="blogsy-1355999229747.7366" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Li5GQJSKNSE/UNLn3W-7ssI/AAAAAAAAJI0/0_9djFj9n3Q/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252011%25253A41.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Straight Hoff the peg is my special Christmas jumper to cover my superb muscular body, get ready to get Hoff on this girls, nobody fills a jumper like the Hoff.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-5kK2dwGhvEM/UNLn4jw81XI/AAAAAAAAJI8/8YOWVimJWas/s333/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252007%25253A27.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="265" id="blogsy-1355999229734.9333" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-5kK2dwGhvEM/UNLn4jw81XI/AAAAAAAAJI8/8YOWVimJWas/s333/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252007%25253A27.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="333" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Hoff the time spent in the kitchen this Christmas with my self propelled rolling pin, the perfect kitchen aid accompaniment whilst you drink a hot cup of Hoffee. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-9FgCoZ8a_ew/UNLn5xJfg7I/AAAAAAAAJJE/Hx-qfc7XwYE/s500/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A19.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="318" id="blogsy-1355999229691.1921" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-9FgCoZ8a_ew/UNLn5xJfg7I/AAAAAAAAJJE/Hx-qfc7XwYE/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252008%25253A19.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">The Hoff doesn't forget the little ones either, how about this attractive toy, it's only Hoff price at the moment an Hoffer you can't refuse.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-KI41pWM9KdQ/UNLn7PSEzyI/AAAAAAAAJJM/yIw-OU6m-l4/s500/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252007%25253A33.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="266" id="blogsy-1355999229715.6384" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-KI41pWM9KdQ/UNLn7PSEzyI/AAAAAAAAJJM/yIw-OU6m-l4/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252007%25253A33.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">As one final surprise I, the Hoff have allowed all my chest hair to be donated and turned into these attractive dog wigs. Sure enhoff they will be available shortly from my online store Hoffelujah.hoff, only one per customer. Wear the Hoff, feel the Hoff, worship the Hoff you know you want to, some like it Hoff.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-gteTCsiE6EE/UNLn-rvfXjI/AAAAAAAAJJU/8p03epQnYaE/s1000/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A23.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="763" id="blogsy-1355999229739.8494" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-gteTCsiE6EE/UNLn-rvfXjI/AAAAAAAAJJU/8p03epQnYaE/s400/Photo%25252020%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A23.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Hoff yourself a very Merry Christmas, I'm logging Hoff but will return, you can't keep a good Hoff down.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Today's blog entry bought to you by the Hoff Outreach Foundation Family or HOFF for short. </span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-75446855667561077792015-11-12T08:57:00.001+00:002015-11-12T08:57:18.487+00:00Bangers!<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-XNyIZjR48gg/UO6ZSM67UxI/AAAAAAAAJog/bQNmPRll84c/s968/Photo%25252010%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A49.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="247" id="blogsy-1357814098926.1982" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-XNyIZjR48gg/UO6ZSM67UxI/AAAAAAAAJog/bQNmPRll84c/s400/Photo%25252010%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A49.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Launched today is a fifty two part magazine 'Big Bangers' revealing the secrets of successful sausage skills and taking you through the professional techniques needed to become a Master Banger. Over the course of the year your will learn how to create your own tasty sausage sizzlers using nothing more than offal, sawdust, herbs, a mangle, a piece of rubber tubing and balloons. Handy charts will allow you to identify a Cumberland from twenty feet whilst you will learn the difference between health and safety as you attempt to mix batches of lips, eyes and arseholes.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Amaze friends with your latest creation as they chow down on such delicacies as the 'eight incher', a sausage with a mighty girth filled with delicious tripe, astound family when you turn your kitchen into a portable butchery shop and save pounds as you learn how to turn road kill into tasty treats using bleach.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
In the first issue receive this gift absolutely free!</div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-wnYHLS1FXDE/UO6ZUA0KcaI/AAAAAAAAJoo/YDBgG3mDbpU/s865/Photo%25252010%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A43.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="314" id="blogsy-1357814098909.5732" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-wnYHLS1FXDE/UO6ZUA0KcaI/AAAAAAAAJoo/YDBgG3mDbpU/s400/Photo%25252010%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A43.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
A link of commemorative Linconshire sausages, ready to cook. (N.B. Issue must be purchased on day of release as free gift may go green). In issue two we start you on the road to being a sausage stallion with our second free gift of a pig intestine, collect issues three to forty two to get the whole pig. By issue fifty we will give you a chance to purchase a Big Banger glass fronted fridge freezer in which to display all your pig parts. (N.B. may require a nominal charge of £299)</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Future issues include</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
How To Be A Bender, The Perfect Cumberland Shape</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Bury Your Pork, Aging Sausages The Old Fasioned Way</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Push Or Pull? The Perils Of Sausage Stuffing</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
How To Bang Her, Adding Spice To Your Favourite Sausage</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Size Has Nothing To Do With It, A Guide To Ramming Your Sausages With Taste</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
It'll Scrub Out, Cleaning Up your Kitchen After Butchery</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Are You A Mincer?, Grinding Up The Correct Gristle</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Using or step-by-step system we teach you how to smoke your sausages, pretty soon you will have a packet of twenty Pigerettes that you can share with friends. You will also learn how to roll your own Pigars for the ultimate in luxury.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Accurate photos guide you through stuffing your horn hole to pump up your bangers, how to hand crank all night and how to 'go naked' at sausage parties using man made casings. Finally in issue fifty two we have handy hints on wrapping your sausage for the perfect home made Christmas gift.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
All this an more at the starting price of £4 for issue one! (N.B. Normal retail price after issue one is £9.99)</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
From your local newsagent NOW!</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Also look out for our companion magazines, 'Loo Zoo', over forty two issues turn your lavatory into a petting zoo and 'Ape Shape', become a professional monkey barber, first issue includes Chimp Scissors!</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-15020767067533494002015-11-10T08:20:00.002+00:002015-11-10T08:25:29.155+00:00Peter Picked A Pickled Pencil<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-W5A4VTA2s7I/UGFqoBVoO2I/AAAAAAAAHe0/kjIhJPy8e7M/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A55.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="536" id="blogsy-1348561599441.2415" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-W5A4VTA2s7I/UGFqoBVoO2I/AAAAAAAAHe0/kjIhJPy8e7M/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A55.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Pencils whilst quite useful for drawing, easing our ear wax, nostril cleaning and probing foreign objects that look decidedly unappetising they can also provide hours of amusement in other ways. Maybe 'hours' was stretching it but a few minutes diversion at the very least. Lets start with a jape, tell your friend or colleague that your pencil has been specially developed to write any colour, ask which colour they prefer to see your pencil write.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-df4t_gOLEO0/UGFqp9puaBI/AAAAAAAAHe8/9hdnZOXN_H4/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A56.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="293" id="blogsy-1348561599459.6113" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-df4t_gOLEO0/UGFqp9puaBI/AAAAAAAAHe8/9hdnZOXN_H4/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A56.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Voila! The miracle pencil that mysteriously can write any colour! You can add variants to this such as my pencil can write exactly like a pen, after disbelief from your friends simply write 'exactly like a pen'. I'm sure you can come up with many, many more and keep yourself and onlookers amused in post office queues, banks and when signing your name on important documents like last wills and testaments. One for the brave though is announce to a random stranger that you can draw their portrait in five seconds, wait for them to finish saying "no you can't" and "go on then" then simply draw a school cock. Be prepared to run after this pencil jape as most strangers may not see the funny side even though the portrait may be accurate.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-SG-vuL7u9Rs/UGFqq7yZYSI/AAAAAAAAHfE/_i0qC5L0UN4/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A57.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="248" id="blogsy-1348561599455.887" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-SG-vuL7u9Rs/UGFqq7yZYSI/AAAAAAAAHfE/_i0qC5L0UN4/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A57.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Don't you hate it when this happens? Well make the best of a bad job by following this little tutorial 'The Rubber Wrecker'. This one involves a bit of work but it can be left as a joke mine, one to go off unexpected a little later. Simply take the broken lead and put it to one side and find a pencil, preferably someone else's, with a small rubber on the end.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-DVSa3r_MK3o/UGFqsMZYbWI/AAAAAAAAHfM/hkMPIRXyZxo/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A57.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="201" id="blogsy-1348561599476.1233" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-DVSa3r_MK3o/UGFqsMZYbWI/AAAAAAAAHfM/hkMPIRXyZxo/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A57.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Using a compass point or something sharp (watch your fingers!) poke the rubber it make a small hole.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-lHhFOOaLvOY/UGFqt5AqNEI/AAAAAAAAHfU/z3WVW7dkeVs/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A58.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="275" id="blogsy-1348561599440.851" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-lHhFOOaLvOY/UGFqt5AqNEI/AAAAAAAAHfU/z3WVW7dkeVs/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252008%25253A58.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Carefully insert the piece of lead you saved until you cannot see it then wet the rubber end and rub lightly on a piece of cloth to clean it up. Place the pencil somewhere it will be used.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HP_vdtCdD0I/UGFqvVIEcUI/AAAAAAAAHfc/jc1RBufWeDI/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252009%25253A00.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="319" id="blogsy-1348561599467.8723" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-HP_vdtCdD0I/UGFqvVIEcUI/AAAAAAAAHfc/jc1RBufWeDI/s400/Photo%25252025%252520Sep%2525202012%25252009%25253A00.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Then laugh uncontrollably as any attempt to erase causes mayhem. Imagine the fun as your boss takes notes in a meeting only to have his work ruined, hilarious I'm sure. As you can see I have run out of ideas today and possibly if you followed my advice you have got the sack too.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It's never a good idea to do a five second portrait of your boss.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Or maybe it is.</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-1945067750715150732015-11-06T09:08:00.001+00:002015-11-06T09:08:22.627+00:00'The Dark Side' - One Man's Story Of A Broken Toaster<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-qxNUhR-h82A/UH6EMmODubI/AAAAAAAAHxs/7Si_RoAvvi4/s400/Photo%25252017%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A37.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="424" id="blogsy-1350468687244.794" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-qxNUhR-h82A/UH6EMmODubI/AAAAAAAAHxs/7Si_RoAvvi4/s400/Photo%25252017%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A37.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Blackpool 1975, taken with an instant Polaroid camera by an unknown person at our guest house, which if I remember correctly was run by a very strict lady who placed us on the top floor in the attic and had to share a bathroom with all the other occupants, still, Blackpool in the 70's was the only place in the UK to visit Ripleys Believe It Or Not and sneak into the anatomical exhibition at the waxworks. Today's blog is not about Blackpool or even about the seaside, it's actually about something completely different but related...</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">1977, the Summer of Star Wars promised a lot to a ten year old. Hover cars, light sabres, black leather suits with restrictive breathing equipment and of course holograms of distressed princesses. So imagine my delight when at the end of 1978 I attended a special University Christmas lecture whilst I was studying the thermal dynamics of space time continuum technology during the Viking period, actually that's not quite true, it was the Roman period.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">During the lecture the professor said he had a surprise for us and mentioned Star Wars sending the juvenile audience into mock lightsabre fights and wookie calls. What would it be? A blaster? Maybe he was going to ask us all to take shots at him whilst he deflected them with a real lightsabre, or even better he was going to give us all free R2D2's to take home. Expectations were high I can tell you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">When he left the theatre to fetch his Star Wars prop the lights dimmed, they even played a bit of the music to build it up, not that we needed it. 200 expectant eleven year olds plunged in darkness to the music of Star Wars was probably a bit of a mistake in hindsight as all 200 decided under the cover of darkness to try and occupy just the front row of seats.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A single spot light came on and the professor returned with something hidden under a cloth, as the music ended he pulled the cloth away and we were all left speechless looking at a box with an apple in it. I really don't know how he didn't get beaten to a pulp within seconds but he obviously expected this so did something rather unexpected, he told a member of the audience to take the apple.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Of course they couldn't even though it was before their very eyes, it was after all a hologram. Holograms had been around a while but this was the first ever experience for most people outside of a lab. Of course you now see them everywhere, on credit cards, toys etc but to a eleven year old in 1978 it was futuristic technology. After being wowed with the hologram we were then treated to a laser display and an old theatre trick of creating a ghost on stage using an angled piece of glass and a mirror. Fascinating stuff to me once I had got over the disappointment of not being able to have a personal light sabre and to hack off limbs at a whim.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-AdmJulFqJTc/UH6EPe5YnsI/AAAAAAAAHx0/Y6-Ppb6KumI/s1122/Photo%25252017%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A35.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="466" id="blogsy-1350468687221.2498" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-AdmJulFqJTc/UH6EPe5YnsI/AAAAAAAAHx0/Y6-Ppb6KumI/s500/Photo%25252017%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A35.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Holograms stuck with me, the ability using lasers to capture an image in 3D on a 2D material was mindblowing, so imagine my surprise when in 1984 I found myself again, and god knows why, in Blackpool stood outside a new attraction, a hologram exhibition. Well, I was amazed, hundreds of holograms to look and be astounded by, even better though you could buy your own. So, this was my first, a very small hologram of a dartboard and two darts, stunningly realistic if you don't see colours like a dog otherwise slightly entertaining, but I wanted more so my next purchase was more exciting.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-72ej6uC1be0/UH6ETCWJ8wI/AAAAAAAAHx8/7OI2c1OppxU/s1184/Photo%25252017%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A36.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="549" id="blogsy-1350468687191.9814" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-72ej6uC1be0/UH6ETCWJ8wI/AAAAAAAAHx8/7OI2c1OppxU/s500/Photo%25252017%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A36.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A coloured hologram, the detail on this is quite incredible, you can even see the air bubbles in the plastic and moving it around you get a real sense of space. And that's where it stops, in todays world of entertainment at your fingertips, movies on demand, 3D television, microwave meals and spray on cheese, holograms have become rather forgotten and mainstream but they offered at the time a hope that one day you would own your own light sabre and be allowed to hack limbs off willy-nilly. I patiently wait.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I even have a list.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-12333260524215005752015-11-05T06:58:00.001+00:002015-11-05T06:58:30.490+00:00Close Encounters Of The Twerking Kind<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-8N1RzLQkP8U/UHkgMe56n4I/AAAAAAAAHt0/QQAxt6wEg8o/s500/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A06.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="343" id="blogsy-1350115401457.0981" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-8N1RzLQkP8U/UHkgMe56n4I/AAAAAAAAHt0/QQAxt6wEg8o/s500/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A06.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Today I have invited Arthur Brain founder of the Bureau Understanding Foreign Flight Objects Of Non-terrestrial Subjects or BUFFOONS for short to tell us about his latest extra-testicle phenomenon. So Arthur, just what is a UFO?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-GSBx6dhz4is/UHkgNxWu83I/AAAAAAAAHt8/KKAZrNusMik/s500/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A05.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="373" id="blogsy-1350115401498.28" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-GSBx6dhz4is/UHkgNxWu83I/AAAAAAAAHt8/KKAZrNusMik/s500/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A05.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'UFO's are unidentified frying objects, such as burnt bacon or frazzled sausages mysteriously flying through the air. We have some particularly good examples of fritters flying in formation over Big Ben. One of our members once photographed a scorched beef burger landing in the car park of Asda, passersby were astounded and two women fainted as it was joined by a hash brown and an overcooked chippolata.'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Ahem, we may have crossed purposes here Arthur, I was talking about the alien type of UFO, you know the ones that look like light fittings or dustbin lids thrown in to the air and photographed badly.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'I thought you invited me to talk about my close encounter with a full English breakfast that cornered me on the sea front in Skegness?'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">No Arthur.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'Oh, that's a pity. I did see a UFO once though?'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Yes? tell us about it.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It was about six o'clock sometime in the seventies and I was watching the television when suddenly everything went black, even the television only to be replaced by a mysterious globe spinning ominously with the words BBC 1 written underneath it, I remember it clearly as I nearly dropped my biscuit in my tea. It was only on for an instant then the screen went black again and a booming voice shouted SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER and an enormous UFO flew straight at me. I dropped scalding tea on my lap and fell off the sofa, Muriel, my wife screamed and ran from the room. Scrambling around the back of the sofa I lay there for thirty minutes listening to the aliens in my living room, I could only make out certain words like Scottiekirk and Spork but I'm sure they did say 'We Come In Peace' but that I believe was just a ruse to get me to come up from behind the curtain where I had managed to scramble to after my sofa position became compromised. Here, let me draw you what I saw...'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-RfPf0yHhI2g/UHkgPSmztRI/AAAAAAAAHuE/WCNu9fCxOtE/s400/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A13.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="242" id="blogsy-1350115401538.2073" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-RfPf0yHhI2g/UHkgPSmztRI/AAAAAAAAHuE/WCNu9fCxOtE/s400/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A13.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'See, a UFO, not very often you get such detail in a drawing, I was a draughtsman did you know so I know detail. In fact I was so shaken that the very next day armed with a camera I was determined to capture them on film. Around midday I was making a jam sandwich when I glanced out of the window and froze, there hanging in the air was an enormous cigar shaped UFO, watching me spread the butter. Grabbing my camera I managed to get a quick shot of it before it whooshed away. I have never shown this to anyone before as I believe it would change the worlds opinions on UFOs for ever.'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Well readers it looks like we have an exclusive on our hands, for the first time in print a genuine certified UFO photo, unedited and possibly the finest UFO ever captured on film.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-l0x7gx0aoUU/UHkgQnZYyNI/AAAAAAAAHuM/Wj7Dny-8DTE/s720/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A10.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="228" id="blogsy-1350115401446.6455" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-l0x7gx0aoUU/UHkgQnZYyNI/AAAAAAAAHuM/Wj7Dny-8DTE/s500/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A10.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Wow! That's amazing Arthur, it's like just hanging there. You can even make out some markings on the side, it looks like eiprahS, obviously some strange star dialect. What happened next?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'I finished buttering and ate my sandwich.'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">No, what happened after that?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'Oh, I see, well here's the thing, I returned to the sitting room and flicked on the television to see if the news had reported my mysterious object and guess what?'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">What?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">'Aliens had taken over my television again.'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Really? How did you know?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">They looked strange and pink if I remember and they spoke in a kind of whistle. I was mesmerised, they had me under some kind of tractor ray beam and I watched them experimenting with things from our world then as suddenly as they came they disappeared and the newsreader Richard Baker came on but didn't mention my flying cigar shaped object or indeed my pink aliens. Here, give me the pen I will draw one for you...'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-IzQFj4ilqR8/UHkgR-f_FmI/AAAAAAAAHuU/2Qc7kbluMP8/s400/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A13.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="287" id="blogsy-1350115401473.4944" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-IzQFj4ilqR8/UHkgR-f_FmI/AAAAAAAAHuU/2Qc7kbluMP8/s400/Photo%25252013%252520Oct%2525202012%25252008%25253A13.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Double wow! You heard it here first folks, aliens and UFO's do exist, watch the skies!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Tomorrow we explore the mysteries of the deep with Jaques Custardo and hear the frightening story of the time he wrestled with the Loch Ness Monster only to have the fight broken up by an underwater Kraken. Epic stuff I'm sure.</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-57183996650127975882015-11-04T08:41:00.000+00:002015-11-04T08:41:37.127+00:00Xmas Crimble Yuletide Advert Time For Sentimentality<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-R5jBJD8TBzE/VIW_nWfyvPI/AAAAAAAAO0o/R7xvNuyc_B4/s600/Photo%25252020141208151120.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; line-height: 1.3em; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="300" id="blogsy-1418051488381.5637" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-R5jBJD8TBzE/VIW_nWfyvPI/AAAAAAAAO0o/R7xvNuyc_B4/s400/Photo%25252020141208151120.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
Crimbo Cats Festive Survey</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Chrismastide, Noel, nativity, call it what you will Christmas is here to stay along with all the latest nostalgic tear jerking adverts so we asked members of the celebrity obsessed public to tell us what their best Christmas spelling is and these are the results.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"I fink it means to me everyfing is shiny and like that's why I call it Crimble time. It's the stuff of jeezus and Maori wid da likkle donkey in da shed, innit? I mean if day r gunna ave it evry year why don't they tell us? This fanta bloke is ace but I don't know wat a chimney is. Is it like a long chin?" said a typical yoof yesterday.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"My dear I think you will find its actually Yuletide, Christmas is so common and don't even get me started with Xmas. Xmas is so, so, Peter Smith, he's as common as they come you know. Yuletide felicitations to you all!"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
A.N.Arsehole, Notts</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"I like Xmas, it's like a quick way to write and is a real boon when writing Christmas cards. Of course it sounds as if you couldn't be bothered and yes it may come across as lazy but hey, it's Xmas, were all in misery so get over it." </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Mr Crimble Claus, N.Pole</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"Personally I prefer the season of Noel when we celebrate all things about that plumb bearded chap Noel Edmunds. I remember his Noel Edmunds House Party, the one with Mr Blobby, oh, he was such a great character. A great big pink thing with spots, or was that something I went to the doctors with? I dunno, anyway Noel is great and my first choice at this time of year."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
N.Edmunds, Crinkly Bottom.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"I was always taught that it was pronounced Chrissymissymussytime to go along with the seasons, after all what else would go with Winterfrinterchillywilly and Bonfireywiry Night?"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
That bloke off the television that makes rude phonecalls and gets let off to make millions of pounds more.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"Wibble poot, floooomffhh, pop, pop, booomph."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Po.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"Mr name is Noddy Holder and I like to call this time of year 'ker-ching!!' after the sound my royalty cheque makes at the bank after 'Merry Christmas Everybody' has been played 1,253,273 times."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Mr N.Holder 1976</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"My name is Mariah and this Christmas I fancy something different to you."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Mariah Couldn't Carey, Hull</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"My name is George Michael and I want my heart back even though you tore it apart."</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
George "It's not the only thing you tore" Michael</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"Quite frankly I wish it could be Christmas every day" said Roy Wood.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"Really I hate Christmas, my name is Mary Berry and I often get confused with Merry. That sponge dear is over baked, what do you think Paul?"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"I think it's an ok bake Mary, not one of their best. Did you prove the dough correctly before putting it in the oven Cliff?"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
"Hey Mary, you're a Livin' Doll want to go on a Summer Holiday and get away from all this Mistletoe and Wine?"</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
We had to cut our survey short as we started to be surrounded by ex-Christmas song celebrities and it was blocking the doorway to Greggs, more results tomorrow when we ask Showadywady and The Bay City Rollers what they really think of striped curtains in a bedroom.</div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-81590006556603043032015-11-02T09:12:00.001+00:002015-11-02T09:12:26.057+00:00Christmas Is Coming (10p O.N.O) No Time Wasters<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
It's November and the Christmas cheer is filling the shops with festive fun in the form of tortuous music and gaudy baubles so lets start early with a scrimpers guide to Christmas<span style="line-height: 18.2px;"> for less than 10p, probably. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<span style="line-height: 18.2px;">Impress family and friends with your thriftiness and thrill them all with special time saving gift tags, the ultimate Christmas tree using our handy planner and save £££ on crackers by simply making your own.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-yJNGPxmVGjU/ULyCj9bBngI/AAAAAAAAIyk/V1GTxN2ZLa4/s906/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="288" id="blogsy-1354531543294.0134" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-yJNGPxmVGjU/ULyCj9bBngI/AAAAAAAAIyk/V1GTxN2ZLa4/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">First up is this ornate gift tag cleverly using TXT SPK to appeal to youngsters (for all you oldies out there the above text speak actually says 'This is for you, a special gift from myself to a special friend). No more writing out personal messages, no boring Merry Christmas Grandad, enter the twenty second century and simply print out the above as many times as necessary and attach them to your gifts. It saves time, money and sentimentality when all you are interested in is what you're going to get. Occasionally you may get problems if the gifts get mixed up but hey, maybe Auntie Mabel wanted underarm hair removal cream, she could certainly do with it on her moustache. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-z4xyt_CcFZE/ULyCm4QYOKI/AAAAAAAAIys/rSI2rTJNzjQ/s1020/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="369" id="blogsy-1354531543281.8557" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-z4xyt_CcFZE/ULyCm4QYOKI/AAAAAAAAIys/rSI2rTJNzjQ/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Planning a perfect Christmas tree is never easy so why not use our handy chart. Simply print it out the same size as your tree and you can lay it down on a flat surface and try out different combinations safely and effectively before hanging it all on the tree. Avoid disputes, solve bauble position problems and work out the best way to trail tinsel. When happy with the layout use string to divide your actual tree into squares just like our grid and stand back shouting coordinates to your family as you hand them the decorations. Great fun and can be used year after year, no batteries required!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-vXTylV6YAHk/ULyCopJ_GYI/AAAAAAAAIy0/p80DP6S1W8U/s682/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="410" id="blogsy-1354531543358.269" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-vXTylV6YAHk/ULyCopJ_GYI/AAAAAAAAIy0/p80DP6S1W8U/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">The price of mince pies and shots of brandy has skyrocketed this year so leaving a free plate out for Santa is a little foolhardy, he's fat enough and possibly on the verge of some serious medical conditions so help Santa out with this 3D imitation Santa treat for Christmas Eve. Santa will be thrilled, two, yes, two mince pies, a shot of the good stuff and of course a carrot for Rudolph, who after being picked on by the other reindeer's you are now reinforcing his isolation from the rest of the group by only giving him a present. Fool children and adults alike by simply chucking the printout in the bin as soon as everyone goes to bed and replacing in with a real plate.</span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-aY_SI0d35p0/ULyCqRO-qWI/AAAAAAAAIy8/Cm1cnELn0tQ/s769/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="289" id="blogsy-1354531543289.9802" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-aY_SI0d35p0/ULyCqRO-qWI/AAAAAAAAIy8/Cm1cnELn0tQ/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Do you prepare yourself for PP's on Christmas Day? PP stands for p*** poor and are last minute, unfathomable gifts that make you gasp in their awfulness. Often wrapped in the gaudiest of paper these shockers often cause major fights over the Christmas dinner as you continue to show your displeasure at getting a pair of slippers instead of a new convertible or private jet. Well, no more, now you can grimace and mouth abuse in secret with this handy grin on a stick. Simply hold this in front of your face for the duration of Christmas Day to fool everyone into thinking its the greatest Christmas ever.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-2_uR_Zfke-Q/ULyCwziZTOI/AAAAAAAAIzE/cKwTkTr9wrs/s2048/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="538" id="blogsy-1354531543292.4126" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-2_uR_Zfke-Q/ULyCwziZTOI/AAAAAAAAIzE/cKwTkTr9wrs/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A26.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Now for the ultimate cracker to pull look no further than the all-in-one Charade Cracker, a powerhouse of entertainment. For this you will need the following :</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A Toilet Roll, kitchen roll, charades (write out your favourite movie or book title), a small dog lead (string), a toy dog (in this case an elegantly fashioned toy dog made from sturdy paper), a bang and of course a hat.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Simply make a toy dog, fold a small bit of paper to save money and embarrassment into a hat that fits on your finger, write BANG on a piece of card and stuff it all inside the toilet roll along with the string and secret charade.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-4wsNQK10bFc/ULyC0aTyKbI/AAAAAAAAIzM/IINlJTO4gro/s1527/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A27.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="200" id="blogsy-1354531543341.0288" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-4wsNQK10bFc/ULyC0aTyKbI/AAAAAAAAIzM/IINlJTO4gro/s400/Photo%2525203%252520Dec%2525202012%25252009%25253A27.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It should look like this, use the remaining kitchen roll to stuff both ends. Place them around the table on Christmas Day and after dinner you can 'pull' them. The noiseless bang avoids worrying pets, the small hat nobody can wear avoids embarrassment, the winner of the pull gets a cherished toy dog which they can attach a lead to and 'walk' around the table and finally there is a charade for the winner to act out. My suggestion is you clear the table and get them to perform it on the table top in front of all your guests for the ultimate in table top games. I remember one year when auntie Maud's charade was 'Three Men and a Donkey'. After climbing on the dining room table, great granddad Bertie was rushed off with heart palpitations when she acted out the naked donkey scene and paramedics took two hours to extract her from the broken hostess trolley she used as a makeshift prop. It took a further three house to remove the crackers. </span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Good times.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">So that's it for part one of the perfect thrifty Christmas, tomorrow how to cook dinner using free ingredients from dustbins and skips and of course how to jar jellied leftovers for friends, its the gift that keeps on giving. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Cheer up, it'll soon be Christmas and we will all be in misery.</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-79911757241429544052015-10-29T07:37:00.002+00:002015-10-29T07:37:59.063+00:00Halloween Special<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<img height="320" src="https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/10354658_10204164523567530_2343757993608332078_n.jpg?oh=27a18d9587dc1da394764268cf0a03fb&oe=56C24F6C" width="234" /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Not ONE but </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-size: large;">TWO </span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">spooky LOST ALICE appearances this week in an UNPRECEDENTED series of FORTUNATE events that are </span><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-size: large;">ALL FREE</span></span><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> and open TO ALL!!!</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Join us both with</span><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-size: large;"> LOST ALICE at Trident Galleries</span></span><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">, </span></span></span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">1 Allandale Road, Stoneygate, Leicester, LE2 2DA between 6-9pm this FRIDAY 30th for MUSIC, FOOD, DRINK, FUN, FROLICS and of course </span><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-size: large;">NAKED LINE DANCING </span></span><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">absolutely free. Want more details? Either turn up on the night or </span><span style="line-height: 18.2px;">phone 01162 745333 for a good time!</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18.2px;">Secondly we are at<b> CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL</b> <span style="font-size: x-small;">on 31st October between 1-4pm for a SPOOKY special appearance. Come along and </span><span style="font-size: large;">see PETERS PUMPKINS</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> and Jayne's broom along with LOST ALICE and an assortment of Impossimals <b>absolutely FREE!</b></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">To get you ready for this spooky spectacular here's todays guide from the University of Proper Speek to hone your electrocution lessons and speak right. Nuff said, word out.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">SEE YOU ALL ON FRIDAY AT TRIDENT GALLERIES 6-9pm or CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL 1-4pm on SATURDAY HALLOWEEN (N.B. Delete as appropriate, no goats or magical wardrobes please)</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18.2px;"><span style="font-size: large;">Welcome </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">LESSON ONE</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><em style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.</em><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><em style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></em><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">LESS ONE TWO</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Fill in the miss zing word.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">How did you do?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">LESSON TREE</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A) Lol</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">B) Rotfl</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">C) Yolo</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">D) Thx</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">E) xxx</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">AN SWEARS</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Were you right?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">wastage.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">LEASON FORE</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">What are they?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A) Pushing Sucker</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">B) Dog Mermaids</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">C) Spinny Windies</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">ANNE SWEARS</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A) A vacuum cleaner</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">B) Seals</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">C) Electric Fans</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-56687849666530060502015-10-26T09:43:00.001+00:002015-10-26T09:46:05.947+00:00Calendar Where? Why? How Much?!?!<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61GwF0j5RiL.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></div>
Four weeks ago the Impossimal 2016 calendar didn't exist. It had no images, no design and no way it was going to hit a deadline for October even if it did. Producing a calendar requires us to paint and create twelve extra images, something quite impossible with Lost Alice, the Michelin starred Secret Pantry and of course Knickerbockergloria so a calendar for 2016 was a real no, no.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We couldn't do it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It was too late.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Who would print it?</div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Then I received email after email asking if one was available, a usual occurrence even though the last Impossimal calendar was five years ago but this year I had more than usual. Not only that, I also had personal messages and photos of proud Impossimal calendar collectors sending me their images, I had Impossimal wedding photos, Impossimal cake photos and photos of Impossimals adorning walls worldwide and fan artwork of Impossimals on Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.</div>
</div>
<div>
What was I to do?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So we sat down. Looked at all the options and quickly found there was very little at this late date. We had already contacted one of the biggest calendar publishers earlier this year and worked out quantities and delivery with a view to doing something next year but alas, we again were too late. To get a great deal on calendar production you need quantity and time, companies like the Calendar Club can keep costs down by doing that so calendars can retail for around the £12 mark on the high street, how could we compete at those prices?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We couldn't.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So we chose a different method and one of the only options available; publishing on demand. It's a higher cost option but the turn around is fast, it requires no external help and of course we get to select the content and layout. The downside is the product is more expensive as you cannot fix your own base price but generally better quality but it is more limited in its availability until you prove it's popularity. Always a big uphill battle for most self publishers but it was our best and only option.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Three weeks later after battling ISBN numbers, price fixing, website popularity battles, image compatibility, the fact they are printed in Germany and trademark eligibility (yes, I had to prove that the Impossimals were Impossimals and not Impossibles or Improbables!) the first calendars went online at Amazon.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.calvendo.co.uk/user/0/0/1/0/4/9/1/6/vorschau_pdf/538542_800/538542_2.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It all went wrong.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Amazon, in their infinite wisdom only likes things that sell and unless you can prove that they will sell they will not visibly list it, also they choose the most expensive option. On the plus side being on Amazon gives a great web presence to start with but comes with a cost.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Alas they only allowed seven calendars a day to be listed, a mega kicking that the calendar didn't need.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
A week on and more retailers have jumped on board, as this happens something unexpected happened too, the base price suddenly became competitive and started to tumble as websites battled to be the cheapest.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So after all the stop, starts and the randomness of availability I would like to thank everyone who has ordered a calendar so far and supported the Impossimals and in this case good causes too. Yes it's more expensive than others but they have been completely designed by myself and Jayne with images specially selected to be the best calendar so far and the quality is the best we could find. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Pricing and P&P we have no control over as each distributor takes their cut unfortunately so we have decided that each calendar <b>produces a publishing profit to us of £1.08 of which ALL will go into a charity fund.</b> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In an effort to further drive down the costs I have compiled a list of available outlets and you can also order the Impossimal 2016 calendar from Waterstones or any bookshop using the ISBN 9781325117253</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You can also (occasionally!) find it on Amazon <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Peter-Smith-Impossimals-Calendar-Square/dp/B016TBEVH6/ref=zg_bs_tab_pd_mw_1">HERE</a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Waterstones <a href="https://www.waterstones.com/product/peter-smith-impossimals-2016/peter-smith/9781325117253">HERE</a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>But for sheer speed, availability and competitive pricing (ignore the out of stock, its printed on demand) look <a href="http://www.speedyhen.com/StoreFront/Search/Keyword?keyword=9781325117253&productType=0">HERE</a> at Speedy Hen, they seem to be the best at the moment.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We will continue to scour the Internet to find the best deals for you, if you need any help locating a copy just drop us a line and we will do our best.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Hope this helps and in the future we will try and do all this a little earlier and of course cheaper!</div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-21668847926640544042015-10-21T08:11:00.001+01:002015-10-21T08:11:28.349+01:00Back To The Future REVEALED!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-8ePmbcXbEVM/UOas93LqcII/AAAAAAAAJeI/heAexJYedSA/s1038/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A18.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><br><img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-8ePmbcXbEVM/UOas93LqcII/AAAAAAAAJeI/heAexJYedSA/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A18.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963578.6028" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="400" height="197" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">R2-C32D here, the world first artificial intelligence blog writing robot, I see and hear everything, join me as we glimpse Back To The Future<br><br>2015, a heartbeat away from hover cars, personal teleportation systems and time travel. Technology has never been more powerful with new innovations every day here are a few of the exciting things coming your way.<br><br></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-YSa6lGPtrHo/UOatDLm49BI/AAAAAAAAJeQ/FLgQt-jJQ9g/s995/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A17.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-YSa6lGPtrHo/UOatDLm49BI/AAAAAAAAJeQ/FLgQt-jJQ9g/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A17.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963603.0566" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="400" height="283" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">'Computers' will be the buzz word is year as for the first time they become affordable for all. Computers, you probably don't know, have been used for years by scientists and the military to work out how to divide the coffee run money and who's turn it is to buy cakes on a Friday. No longer, they are about to enter our homes in a big way. Imagine having an electronic mind that does your every bidding, some even come with additional hardware such as the Home Composer upgrade shown above where a jolly composer will leap out of the screen and entertain you in a creepy over acting display of composing joy.<br><br></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-L1Ga2KwdFkU/UOatJtd-xtI/AAAAAAAAJeY/ayLhjCTHwUs/s1035/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A19.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-L1Ga2KwdFkU/UOatJtd-xtI/AAAAAAAAJeY/ayLhjCTHwUs/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A19.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963601.086" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="400" height="583" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Using the latest string to keyboard technology you will be able to use your new computer to make real music. Strum along to all the chart hits as you frantically try to keep up with 'Three Blind Mice' on your iGit, the latest must have from Appley.<br><br></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-7O4T41LXQ8g/UOatM1nYE3I/AAAAAAAAJeg/vAxiOJ3KDlQ/s677/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A37.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-7O4T41LXQ8g/UOatM1nYE3I/AAAAAAAAJeg/vAxiOJ3KDlQ/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A37.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963628.5952" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="400" height="429" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Communication will also change in a big way whey we all have personal communications at our fingertips. Simply slip this ring on your finger and you can place calls by putting your thumb in your ear and talking into your little finger. You dial by holding up the correct amount of digits and put it on hold by clenching your fists. For a videophone experience simply stand where you can see the person you are ringing.<br><br></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-Vaew2frQEvU/UOatQSFYX0I/AAAAAAAAJeo/bgraQpVYztc/s971/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A20.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-Vaew2frQEvU/UOatQSFYX0I/AAAAAAAAJeo/bgraQpVYztc/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A20.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963625.614" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="400" height="168" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Entertainment makes a leap from the arcades to the home with the outstanding award winning Atari 2600, surely every child's dream this coming Christmas. It promises eye popping graphics undistinguishable from real life. Play classics like Grand Theft Tiddlywinks and Call Of Duty - Pot Washing on two strangely phallic joysticks and enjoy the wood effect console as it blends in with your wooden microwave.<br><br></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-D47PWW4us8M/UOatSq1cXVI/AAAAAAAAJew/Nov6cUpI9UY/s664/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A20.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-D47PWW4us8M/UOatSq1cXVI/AAAAAAAAJew/Nov6cUpI9UY/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A20.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963557.5537" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="400" height="339" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We left this in to surprise you, it's the game Jurassic Lark, the first time we saw the graphical detail on the dinosaur we ran out of the room it was so real, be prepared to experience it first hand when it hits the shelves in June.<br><br></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-s54_oZ8RLjA/UOatW2sC6QI/AAAAAAAAJe4/7SsSwu8kk84/s771/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A16.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-s54_oZ8RLjA/UOatW2sC6QI/AAAAAAAAJe4/7SsSwu8kk84/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A16.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963641.2673" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="400" height="293" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The television will become obsolete this year as we all convert to tankvision, a combination of television and fish tanks to bring you realism never seen before on the small screen. Show above is the TV-Shark the biggest and best tankvision to date, simply drop objects in the top to have them devoured live in front of your family. Comes complete with miniature oboe sound effects and real blood! Treat your family or feed your family, the choice is yours. <br><br></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-N71KaRLuZ4U/UOatcLoiuoI/AAAAAAAAJfA/-NUCo-U87bo/s1055/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A36.jpg" target="_blank" style="text-decoration: none; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-N71KaRLuZ4U/UOatcLoiuoI/AAAAAAAAJfA/-NUCo-U87bo/s400/Photo%2525204%252520Jan%2525202013%25252009%25253A36.jpg" id="blogsy-1357294963613.7798" class="aligncenter" width="400" height="299" alt="" style="text-align: start; border: 1px solid transparent; position: relative; padding: 8px; -webkit-box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; border-top-left-radius: 0px; border-top-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-right-radius: 0px; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px;"></font></a></div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Finally the time saving gadget we have all been waiting for, the Snotsaver 2000, a portable hanging system to dry out used hankies solving a problem that has been with us since caveman times.<br><br>It's at times like this I like to thank Sir Issac Newton for inventing gravity, before then everything had to be nailed down or it flew away, thank you Mr Newton!<br><br>I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into your future, have fun with all the new technology, just stay away from the Dyson Ball Cleaner, it doesn't do what it says on the tin and it ripped my underpants at the same time.</span><div style="text-align: right; font-size: small; clear: both;" id="blogsy_footer"><a href="http://blogsyapp.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://blogsyapp.com/images/blogsy_footer_icon.png" alt="www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-right: 5px;" width="20" height="20" />www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals</a></div>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-8938190637966353752015-10-15T08:20:00.001+01:002015-10-15T08:20:37.207+01:00Teddypocalypse Is Upon Us!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fubXn4yK0eY/Vh9TbOFyFKI/AAAAAAAAP0A/Z9txcIJiyq0/s1600/IMG_3880.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fubXn4yK0eY/Vh9TbOFyFKI/AAAAAAAAP0A/Z9txcIJiyq0/s320/IMG_3880.JPG" width="290" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">The end of the world is nigh, according to expert historian Norman Nutter in his new book 'Teddypocalypse - The Day We Get Stuffed' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office). Teddy bears and other stuffed toys will rise up and destroy mankind in what has been dubbed by experts as T-Day, the 15th of October 2015.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">This special date is the end-date of a 5,125 year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and coincides with the Christmas light switch on in Nob End, South Lancashire, a terrifying coincidence which will trigger satellites to transmit a 'switch on' signal to all stuffed entities. A signal that according to Norman was planted in all satellites by a disgruntled toy maker turned scientist during experiments in the 1960's into capoc and stuffing DNA which resulted in the untimely death of seven scientists when a cushion suddenly exploded after leaping up and singing 'My Way'.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">TOSSER</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Norman explains that when the clock strikes 3:30pm the signal will be broadcast worldwide and urges the public to barricade themselves in a safe place and get ready to fight the stuffed hordes. Cushions, teddy bears and even Hello Kitties should be placed outside and away from weapons such as water pistols and foam hammers. Norman further compares it to a zombie apocalypse as injured soft toys have the ability to reanimate unless their tags have been removed. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">RAMPANT</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Following six years of research Norman also reveals that during one experiment Little Ted and Humpty caused extensive damage to a secret facility after being reanimated and had to be sedated with injections of T-24X, a drug that allowed them to be handled without injury. Unable to deactivate them both they remained under sedation they formed part of the Play School project, a secretive underground white room with three windows. Professor Brian Cant, lead scientist Toni Arthur and head of the activation unit Floella Benjamin interacted with Little Ted and Humpty whilst fellow scientists watched, unfortunately in 1964 a technical problem occurred and the live video feed was aired on terrestrial television forcing the BBC to add the recently reanimated Hamble and Big Ted to the project as a cover up operation after realising that too many people had seen it. The live feed to Play School was eventually turned off in 1988 after it was also revealed that Jackanory, a popular story telling program was in fact a sedation channel for the toy asylum in Cricklewood.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">STREETS OF STUFFING</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Local governments are preparing defences and are urging members of the public to avoid adding any more soft furnishings or toys to their household. Early reports have warned that one satellite may have misfired the trigger over Hull due to the millennium bug and have advised the public to avoid the area after one witness reported seeing a ten foot Huffenpluff throwing a Teletubby from the roof of Greggs and a multi cushion pile up in the city centre.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">PIFFLE PAFFLE</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">An expert at Cambridge University told us 'What a load of rubbish! Everyone knows that it's going to be cats that are activated and they will all reveal they have thumbs. Their demigod Grumpy Cat appeared on earth earlier this year, a sure sign of impending doom, Catpocalypse is on the cards I tell you!', professor Ivor Twangle is the author of ' Catpocalypse - Hello Kitty, No Kitty, Argh Kitty!' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office) </span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-34293581124435045852015-10-14T07:23:00.000+01:002015-10-14T07:23:41.315+01:00This Blog Is Awesome! (N.B. Blog May Or May Not Be Awsome Depending On Location) <div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-56-wjlOr9Vo/USX9JmLdmcI/AAAAAAAAK74/Ru8aUMim-QU/s1100/Photo%25252021%252520Feb%2525202013%25252009%25253A34.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="346" id="blogsy-1361444136818.1604" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-56-wjlOr9Vo/USX9JmLdmcI/AAAAAAAAK74/Ru8aUMim-QU/s400/Photo%25252021%252520Feb%2525202013%25252009%25253A34.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">How To Talk To A Dog</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Ahhhrythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">No. of BARKS - Meaning</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">7 - Ha,ha,ha!</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">How To Walk</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">How To Control Crazy Legs</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">How To Break Wind In Public</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blancmange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Don't like my granddad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my granddad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">What Not To Do After A Trumpet</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">That's it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.</span></span></div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-56964616320098487322015-10-13T09:33:00.000+01:002015-10-13T09:33:29.857+01:00Sausage Roll Wreath? Why Fine Sir, I Shall Take Two!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XRzJp9ZYuO8/Vhy8J5w-hFI/AAAAAAAAPzc/wUbEC8BW4K0/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="164" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XRzJp9ZYuO8/Vhy8J5w-hFI/AAAAAAAAPzc/wUbEC8BW4K0/s320/1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Festive season is underway with a popular online shopping channel selling the latest in meatery artistry the Festive Sausage Roll Wreath ready to hang on your door to greet guests with the aroma of coarse ground pork and a crisp flaky shell.<br />
<br />
But what else have these masters of meatery created for us this year? Lets find out, FEAST your EYES on this, its enough to make you lick your LIPS!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-A7rop2tMR6c/Vhy8JdeOOmI/AAAAAAAAPzY/JMep03HeA0I/s1600/2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-A7rop2tMR6c/Vhy8JdeOOmI/AAAAAAAAPzY/JMep03HeA0I/s320/2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Holly Stuffed Bangers - The Ripper<br /><br />
Savour these delicate treats as your favourite pork sword gets the festive makeover with a slightly poisonous injection of holly to perk up your groaning Christmas table. Guests will choke with delight as each bite, bites back with springs of razor sharp holly spiced with a sharp tasting inedible berry in each succulent piece. Tickle their tastebuds, tantalise their tongues and hear them squeal out in pain the next morning from the bathroom, it's a veritable edible hoot!<br />
<br />
Only £9.99 + £12.99 P&P<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YVvD-H2YNB0/Vhy8J8YXXeI/AAAAAAAAPzs/vXUGkpmxZyk/s1600/3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="100" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YVvD-H2YNB0/Vhy8J8YXXeI/AAAAAAAAPzs/vXUGkpmxZyk/s320/3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Meat Filled Cracker (Assorted)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
One pull and your guests will be delighted as each of this set of six brightly coloured crackers contain a selection of oven roasted mystery meats! Items come ready for instant family fun around the dinner table. No washing up, no clumsy tray to carry in and no carving, place a cracker on each plate then watch with delight as our specially packed explosive charge instantly roasts your meat in a flash, literally! (N.B. Guests must stand twenty feet apart to pull, nasal, ear and eyebrow hair may be singed due to the explosive nature of our crackers) Start your Christmas dinner by pulling a bird, or succulent pork with cracking crackling, the choice and convenience is yours!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Choose....</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
6 x Roast Chicken</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
6 x Pork & Crackling</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
6 x Vegetarian Option (Roast Potato)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
6 x I Don't Like My Family Option (Chicken Nuggets & Offal)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
or our supreme collection...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
6 x Exotic Meats (Brontosaurus, Mammoth and Dragon)</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Only £129.01 + FREE P&P!</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-njPaFybEPBk/Vhy8K26Q2FI/AAAAAAAAPzo/9k_ATjEfwBg/s1600/4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-njPaFybEPBk/Vhy8K26Q2FI/AAAAAAAAPzo/9k_ATjEfwBg/s320/4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Minced Pies - Offaly Good<br />
<br />
Forget mince pies what you really need is the traditional Minced Pies, it's the real thing! Select cuts of choice pieces our butchers say we must get rid of have been blended in another special blend of special spices to turn what is essentially paupers food into shining examples of selling shoddy produce to gullible fools like you (By you, I mean you over there not the nice people reading this blog). From lips, eyes and arseholes these pies have everything!<br />
<br />
No, literally, they have everything. I'm not kidding. You just wait until you are chewing for an hour on a rubbery ring, then you will understand.<br />
<br />
Only £14.95 from all good supermarkets!<br />
<br />
BONUS - BUY NOW AND Get a jar of PIG LIPS absolutely free!<br />
<br />
All this and more at www.ilovefestivemeats.tv.com.uk.ok.im.ill<br />
<br />Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-8455020321184438702015-10-09T08:12:00.001+01:002015-10-09T08:12:35.897+01:00Really? You Do Surprise Me For An Idiot<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CIfms7QpozA/VhdmysNTwuI/AAAAAAAAPzI/XZ3HddM540o/s1600/photos-of-the-week-thechive-12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CIfms7QpozA/VhdmysNTwuI/AAAAAAAAPzI/XZ3HddM540o/s320/photos-of-the-week-thechive-12.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Yes, there is a calendar.<br />
<br />
Against overwhelming odds we have managed to shoehorn one in this year with twelve lovely Impossimal months for your perusal. Unfortunately because we don't have massive access to large commercial printing facilities we have used a special online service to produce a really high quality ring bound product that incorporates heavy gauge printing and all the bells and whistles to make it a prestige calendar for 2016.<br />
<br />
We will post the link a little later but for now a bit of blatant advertising.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">WOW!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">PETER & JAYNE SMITH & LOST ALICE</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
IN</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">SOLIHULL</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
AT</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">CASTLE GALLERIES</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">SATURDAY 10th OCTOBER</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
really?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">YES</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">BETWEEN 1-4pm!</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
am I welcome?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>YES</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO POP ALONG</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">BRING A FRIEND, BRING A LLAMA, <br />BRING A </span><b style="font-size: x-large;">JABBERWOCK!</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">WE REALLY DON'T MIND</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">BUT MOST OF ALL</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">BRING </span><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>YOURSELF</b>!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
SEE YOU SATURDAY!</div>
Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-50952772936905115802015-10-07T07:31:00.001+01:002015-10-07T07:31:34.909+01:00I Speak Your Weight, No Coach Parties Please<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">As supermarkets have now had time to introduce a new voluntary initiative which was bound to work seeing as its voluntary, involving the voluntary labelling of food for health purposes, even though they haven't agreed on a common design yet it is definitely going to be done sometime next year maybe, today's blog aims to bridge the gap and inform but not finger point at yet another attempt in a balanced way.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Food should be fun, after all we are told that eating carb laden salty ridden breakfast cereals or drinking the equivalent of sixteen cups of sugar in one sitting should have us all skipping to work no matter our body shape or size so with that in mind I can reveal the governments new fun facts traffic light system designed to make food fun and informative.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-kLzH988FNsE/UIe-SqU_myI/AAAAAAAAH5k/oHOxpIqB6qQ/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A38.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="410" id="blogsy-1351073384896.4668" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-kLzH988FNsE/UIe-SqU_myI/AAAAAAAAH5k/oHOxpIqB6qQ/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A38.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">First of all lets forget all the recommended daily allowances, after all they were created when we had to go out of our cave and bash a few dinosaurs for dinner, chasing a T-Rex all day burned up a lot of energy but there was no television. In today's world we have plenty more to do than chase the odd dinosaur such as sitting at a desk or maybe going to the kitchen to make a sandwich which all burn energy, did you know you burn one calorie every minute doing nothing? Probably. So due to our excessive calorie burning we have less energy, don't chase dinosaurs and so need to eat until we feel full. It all makes sense now doesn't it? </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">So as you can see our new pie chart traffic light fun facts tells you what you want to know in a glance. We have used green to tell you it's fine, eat as much as you want, orange indicates that it goes well with chips by identifying salt content in relation to an average bag of chips and we don't use red as it puts people off buying stuff. Fill your trolley safe in the knowledge we have done all the hard work for you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-Hv8W1S4jzSM/UIe-UOHmQNI/AAAAAAAAH5s/OaPVkBivFx0/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A38.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="366" id="blogsy-1351073384850.6472" src="http://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-Hv8W1S4jzSM/UIe-UOHmQNI/AAAAAAAAH5s/OaPVkBivFx0/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A38.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">KNOW YOUR FOOD</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Only one of these will make you fat and cost more than any of the others, which is it?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">The correct answer of course is C, fruit and vegetables are some of the most expensive products in the supermarket and even worse they come raw and get this, you have to combine them and cook them yourself. But let's delve a little deeper and find out why a humble carrot is fattening. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">It's all to do with the letter C and colour, lets take the, one at a time...</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">A - Cake - It contains a C at the beginning so is safe to eat in large quantities, it's that healthy that supermarkets place them everywhere around the store to help you select the right cake.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">B - Chocolate - It contains a C at the beginning again so handy healthy bars are situated at all supermarket tills for ease, at Christmas you can buy healthy strips of chocolate in yard lengths, these are handy and I recommend one of these to be taken daily as it contains large quantities of calcium, that's milk to me and you, plus chocolate makes you feel happy according to surveys funded by chocolate manufacturers.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">C - Carrot - BEWARE Although it starts with a C it's coloured orange as a warning. Carrots come from underground where they are exposed to soil and worms. Would you eat something that had touched a worm? I didn't think so. Rabbits eat them and they have big ears and live underground because they are ashamed, carrots taste a bit like soap too or so I'm told by the microwave food manufacturers who have to use them in their meals after lobbying by 'healthyists'. To prevent you accidentally tasting carrots they recommend you overcook them out of existence in your microwave after they have precooked the hell out of them in the factory. Fruit is also a member of this family and they live with birds in the trees and we have all seen bird poop, Urgh!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">D - Ice cream - Double bonus, it contains two C's and comes in a variety of colours and flavours. The benefits of ice cream cannot be denied as it can be served with that other super food, chocolate, giving ice cream a coveted triple CCC rating. Manufacturers make sure they are in handy portion sized tubs and recommend you eat one at each sitting, they can even aid midnight munchies and require no preparation like dirty vegetables.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">E - Spam - This is a trick one, at first glance it doesn't fit any categories but think about it, it comes in a can and cans start with C so anything in a can is healthy and you can find such delicacies as jellied chicken, hot dog sausages and even a breakfast!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">F - Pizza - This one should be obvious, the addition of cheese, there's that healthy C again, adds calcium whilst the fact that it can be cut into triangles allows for portion control. Pizza is one of the most versatile foods and helps a balanced diet by bringing together carbs in the dough for energy, cheese for healthy bones, tomato sauce for taste and twenty six types of processed meat toppings for protein and vitamins. They may be animal vitamins injected earlier to stimulate meat growth but they never did me any harm. Moo. Pizza should be served with garlic butter bread as garlic has health giving properties and the double carbs washed down with a sugary can of pop is an ideal way to fill up and fit up in one sitting.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">WHAT DO I NEED TO DRINK?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-u3Ulj_33408/UIe-VcA4lwI/AAAAAAAAH50/24If3yamLOo/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A38.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="320" id="blogsy-1351073384945.259" src="http://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-u3Ulj_33408/UIe-VcA4lwI/AAAAAAAAH50/24If3yamLOo/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A38.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Health experts recommend three litres a day of liquid. In real terms that means eight cans of fizzy pop, avoid the sugar free variety as its just flavoured water with very little value for money, go for expensive brands to guarantee you get that sugary hit. Engine oil or a little lard mixed in boiling water helps aid digestion and allows that extra sausage roll to slip down a little easier.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">IS MY SHAPE HEALTHY?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-jU5pDxN9m_I/UIe-XswphpI/AAAAAAAAH58/GQ0XK3NoW70/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A39.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="583" id="blogsy-1351073384853.818" src="http://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-jU5pDxN9m_I/UIe-XswphpI/AAAAAAAAH58/GQ0XK3NoW70/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A39.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Look at the government approved chart and decide on your body shape, use the list below to find out the shocking truth.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">1. Absolutely perfect, you bulge in all the right places showing a sustained steady intake of fat, sugar, salt and calorie laden goodies with a disproportional body to head shape. Keep it up!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">2. OMG, eat something quick. With little or no fat you will constantly feel cold and your muscle tone will look unattractive to members of the opposite sex. You will be considered a freak and shunned by the public, occasionally you will find like minded people herded into groups at so called gyms. You obviously lack all the daily nutrients required, eat dirty food like vegetables and have no sweet tooth you poor thing. There is hope though, start increasing your chocolate and pork pie intake gradually over the next year and I guarantee in twelve months you will be well on your way to a fuller healthier rounder figure and no longer feel an outsider.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">3. Curvaceous and bubbly your favourite food is curlywurlys and quavers, a spot on sweet savoury ratio that should see you into maintaining that attractive figure well into your old age.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">4. A quality figure taking a leaf from that peculiar triangular quality street shape. A heavy bottom gives you your own portable sofa and you find you can be comfortable sitting in any situation, especially when eating.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">5. Way to go! Top heavy allows for some impressive fashion statements, clothes will hang rather than fit, exactly how designers intended and the extra bulk will strengthen your back while you walk.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">6. Beach ball beauty, this seasons celebrity shape celebrating the best in booty. Eat plenty of butter, cheese and of course cream to maintain this sort after figure.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">7. You are cock sure of yourself so stand up right and be proud of this seemingly stiff posture, don't go to the gym or take any exercise at all otherwise you will imbalance your unique figure.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-F3Zmmm2H5BY/UIe-ZTfLZhI/AAAAAAAAH6E/Skh62zzSCG8/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A42.jpg" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" class="aligncenter" height="333" id="blogsy-1351073384918.6636" src="http://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-F3Zmmm2H5BY/UIe-ZTfLZhI/AAAAAAAAH6E/Skh62zzSCG8/s400/Photo%25252024%252520Oct%2525202012%25252009%25253A42.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Now, to celebrate your new found knowledge you need to give yourself a new name to celebrate, so take your favourite food and add your first pets name to give you your Fit Name.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Today's blog has been bought to you by Health Expert Chips Tiddles, president of the governments Fit Fat Program and Director of Massive Microwave Meals For Schools the leading suppliers of fried food for under fives</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31789677.post-4138593839073312082015-10-06T09:00:00.000+01:002015-10-06T09:00:27.839+01:00I Wear Pantaloons<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
As a reader of this blog this month we are giving you the chance to buy some of the latest in sheep lambology. If you place an order within the next ten days I will give you a foldaway feed bag on wheels entirely free!</div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CAfKB93y3Fk/UQUAl5s51aI/AAAAAAAAKNs/ten_e7AjqvE/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="184" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CAfKB93y3Fk/UQUAl5s51aI/AAAAAAAAKNs/ten_e7AjqvE/s320/1.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> iBaaBaa - Cordless communication with flock to flock technology. £3</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Want to know who's on the other side of the hedge? Screen your friends before you let them into the barn from the safety of your straw bed. Comes complete with panic alarm to alert friends when its going to rain and thus avoid them shrinking in the downpour.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bs9U015be2I/UQUAnRBOhrI/AAAAAAAAKN0/-0yLBFkFMSs/s1600/2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bs9U015be2I/UQUAnRBOhrI/AAAAAAAAKN0/-0yLBFkFMSs/s320/2.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> Ladybaa Tent - Hours of fun. Only 14d in coppers.</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Keep you amused for ages, simple to erect even a giddy goat can do it. It has a secret entrance and a door. Hours of fun by going in and out the door again and again. Grass free inside, bring your own.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-39pTYnLV0rU/UQUAogNfg-I/AAAAAAAAKN8/7TDXHJ4pa8A/s1600/3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-39pTYnLV0rU/UQUAogNfg-I/AAAAAAAAKN8/7TDXHJ4pa8A/s320/3.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> Posh Storage Table - Saves Space. £999</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Ewes show off to your Baafriend with this exquisite space saving coffee table. No more cluttered fields, simply put everything in this handy storage system which doubles up as a nifty hay rack in emergencies. Sit down and nibble a tuft of grass safe in the knowledge your field is tidy and secure. NB Item made of wood, not suitable for pipe smoking sheep.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7YRbXbpzuRI/UQUApL_JC6I/AAAAAAAAKOE/49Dd75lJU2Y/s1600/4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7YRbXbpzuRI/UQUApL_JC6I/AAAAAAAAKOE/49Dd75lJU2Y/s320/4.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="239" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> Easy Wear Baaftan - Fashion At Its Most Convenient. £1.29</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Flattering Baaftan, one size fits all, even ewe. Perfect for all day wear with its full length flowing style. Versatile and waterproof it feels as light as a feather, ideal for use after being shorn. NB Not for use on farms owned by amorous farmers.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l4e6H_LjF-Q/UQUArtM3J-I/AAAAAAAAKOM/NBRsypy-F_o/s1600/5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="286" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l4e6H_LjF-Q/UQUArtM3J-I/AAAAAAAAKOM/NBRsypy-F_o/s320/5.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;"> Electric Grindbaa - Super Tool At An Affordable Price. £1000</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Sand, grind, drill or sharpen other farm animals with minimum effort but maximum results. Start up a pedicure business, be the first in your field. Remarkable opportunity. Manufactured with lambs in mind, easy grip, comes with fifty attachments.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xz7UEjQYlDo/UQUArytPJJI/AAAAAAAAKOQ/ZoZE4W5y3ls/s1600/7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Xz7UEjQYlDo/UQUArytPJJI/AAAAAAAAKOQ/ZoZE4W5y3ls/s320/7.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
64K Lambtop - Surf The Interweb. Wi-Fi enabled. Only 2p!</div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">
Using the latest Wi-Field technology surf the Interweb whilst enjoying the sun and that ever so special patch of grass you have found to sit on. Laugh at Cats, find Ram Porn, Post on Farmbook! Comes complete with Webcam for Face to Face Baatime. NB Not weatherproof, needs mains supply, please check with your farmer that its available in your field.</div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" />
<div class="separator" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eNrMTlRB7qE/UQUAsGqjsVI/AAAAAAAAKOY/RKeMt6F1dHY/s1600/6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="color: #4d469c; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-decoration: none;"><img border="0" height="277" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-eNrMTlRB7qE/UQUAsGqjsVI/AAAAAAAAKOY/RKeMt6F1dHY/s320/6.jpg" style="background: transparent; border-radius: 0px; border: 1px solid transparent; box-shadow: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.2) 0px 0px 0px; padding: 8px; position: relative;" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Comfy Cushion - Got a Baaad Back? No More! £83.34</span></div>
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Our support pillow is the perfect end of the day comfort your barn has been crying out for. Be the envy of the pigs and cows as you snuggle down into this pillow resting your aching back after chewing the cud for several hours. Lots of fun. NB May smell after a few days, tumble dry for best results. The pillow that is, not you, it may shrink. You that is not the pillow.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">Phone orders taken immediately or visit our website at www.sundaysupersheepshopdirect.baa.co.uk</span>Peter Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12202300150422807521noreply@blogger.com0