We've MOVED!

WE HAVE MOVED!

FIND US

HERE

or

GO

HERE

http://petersmithartist.co.uk/

Bustin' Make's You Feel Good

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.

Halloween Special

Not ONE but TWO spooky LOST ALICE appearances this week in an UNPRECEDENTED series of FORTUNATE events that are ALL FREE and open TO ALL!!!

Join us both with LOST ALICE at Trident Galleries, 1 Allandale Road, Stoneygate, Leicester, LE2 2DA between 6-9pm this FRIDAY 30th for MUSIC, FOOD, DRINK, FUN, FROLICS and of course NAKED LINE DANCING absolutely free. Want more details? Either turn up on the night or phone 01162 745333 for a good time!

Secondly we are at CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL on 31st October between 1-4pm for a SPOOKY special appearance. Come along and see PETERS PUMPKINS and Jayne's broom along with LOST ALICE and an assortment of Impossimals absolutely FREE!

To get you ready for this spooky spectacular here's todays guide from the University of Proper Speek to hone your electrocution lessons and speak right. Nuff said, word out.

SEE YOU ALL ON FRIDAY AT TRIDENT GALLERIES 6-9pm or CASTLE GALLERIES, MEADOWHALL 1-4pm on SATURDAY HALLOWEEN (N.B. Delete as appropriate, no goats or magical wardrobes please)

Welcome to the University Of Proper English, we aim to educate our students in the principles of using the correct grandma and how to avoid embarrassing shiitake from over enthusiastic spell chequers.

During our six week coarse you will lean how to spot mistakes as they happened. From spelling errors to languish difficulties our tutors will expertly use simple tech niches to a void pot and tail problems.

LESSON ONE

Highlight the problem areas in this paragraph.

As she mowed his grass he bought out the flowers. They were in pots and ready to plant in the ground now the soil was conditioned with shovels of fresh top soil. He popped his loam into the freshly dug hole before planting the flowers.

This should be quite easy, the above paragraph is nearly all incorrect, of coarse it should really reed, after the correct spell cheque has bean applied like this;

As she moaned, his ass bough tight then flowed. There were inputs and ready to punt the grind now the oil was condoned with shuttles of fresh tit oil. He dropped his load into the freakish bunghole before planning the flow hers.

LESS ONE TWO

Fill in the miss zing word.

A) She f___s like a barn door in a storm.

B) I helped my uncle J__k off a horse.

C) My c__k is the size of a saveloy.

How did you do?

A) the young lady is obviously prone to worrying, the correct word is FLAPS, she flaps like a barn door in a storm.

B) As the uncle is Scottish and has trouble dismounting from equines the correct answer is JOCK, I helped my uncle Jock off a horse.

C) Being facially challenged the gentleman is referring to his nose, or CONK as it can be called. My conk is the size of a saveloy.

LESSON TREE

Sometimes it is useful to use short abbreviations to get a massage a cross, watt do these mean?

A) Lol

B) Rotfl

C) Yolo

D) Thx

E) xxx

AN SWEARS

Were you right?

A) Lol - Languish our linguine, a term used in Italian restraints to describe past her.

B) Rotfl - Really out to find love, an endearing term used between couples.

C) Yolo - Yes, outlaw leftover onions. Used by vegetable activists to get a point across about wastage.

D) Thx - To hear xylophones. Sufferers of xylophonitus or stylophonitus use the term to describe their eternal suffering of a background noise featuring disturbing tones often produced by a bearded man. Sufferers can also be prone to Glockenspielinotion, the fear of four wheeled glockenspiels.

E) xxx - No,no,no! Or Wrong, wrong,wrong! A negative term used to inform someone if they are incorrect.

LEASON FORE

What are they?

A) Pushing Sucker

B) Dog Mermaids

C) Spinny Windies

ANNE SWEARS

A) A vacuum cleaner

B) Seals

C) Electric Fans

Now that you half sampled our land gauge coarse you can apply on line at www.werds4pleasuring.com with our sceptical starting offer of only £49.99 per month.

Apply two day and receive our math metrics coarse abs lute lay three.

No moor milkshakes, no pour spilling, comes whiff a sat his faction garden tea or your monkey Bach.

This Blog Is Awesome! (N.B. Blog May Or May Not Be Awsome Depending On Location)

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Ahhhrythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blancmange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my granddad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my granddad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

That's it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.

I Wear Pantaloons

As a reader of this blog this month we are giving you the chance to buy some of the latest in sheep lambology. If you place an order within the next ten days I will give you a foldaway feed bag on wheels entirely free!

 iBaaBaa - Cordless communication with flock to flock technology. £3

Want to know who's on the other side of the hedge? Screen your friends before you let them into the barn from the safety of your straw bed. Comes complete with panic alarm to alert friends when its going to rain and thus avoid them shrinking in the downpour.

 Ladybaa Tent - Hours of fun. Only 14d in coppers.

Keep you amused for ages, simple to erect even a giddy goat can do it. It has a secret entrance and a door. Hours of fun by going in and out the door again and again. Grass free inside, bring your own.

 Posh Storage Table - Saves Space. £999

Ewes show off to your Baafriend with this exquisite space saving coffee table. No more cluttered fields, simply put everything in this handy storage system which doubles up as a nifty hay rack in emergencies. Sit down and nibble a tuft of grass safe in the knowledge your field is tidy and secure. NB Item made of wood, not suitable for pipe smoking sheep.

 Easy Wear Baaftan - Fashion At Its Most Convenient. £1.29

Flattering Baaftan, one size fits all, even ewe. Perfect for all day wear with its full length flowing style. Versatile and waterproof it feels as light as a feather, ideal for use after being shorn. NB Not for use on farms owned by amorous farmers.

 Electric Grindbaa - Super Tool At An Affordable Price. £1000

Sand, grind, drill or sharpen other farm animals with minimum effort but maximum results. Start up a pedicure business, be the first in your field. Remarkable opportunity. Manufactured with lambs in mind, easy grip, comes with fifty attachments.

64K Lambtop - Surf The Interweb. Wi-Fi enabled. Only 2p!

Using the latest Wi-Field technology surf the Interweb whilst enjoying the sun and that ever so special patch of grass you have found to sit on. Laugh at Cats, find Ram Porn, Post on Farmbook! Comes complete with Webcam for Face to Face Baatime. NB Not weatherproof, needs mains supply, please check with your farmer that its available in your field.

Comfy Cushion - Got a Baaad Back? No More! £83.34

Our support pillow is the perfect end of the day comfort your barn has been crying out for. Be the envy of the pigs and cows as you snuggle down into this pillow resting your aching back after chewing the cud for several hours. Lots of fun. NB May smell after a few days, tumble dry for best results. The pillow that is, not you, it may shrink. You that is not the pillow.

Phone orders taken immediately or visit our website at www.sundaysupersheepshopdirect.baa.co.uk

May Madness!

As part of a bit of May madness I have decided to clear out sections of the studio to make room for all the latest Alice paintings so whilst my brain is in this feverish state of dizzy excitement I'm offering these two personal paintings up to find a new home.

If you would like something quite unusual then these probably fit the bill; both were painted to build up my knowledge of capturing different surfaces and textures, metal, water and gloss on one and glass, smoke, skin and fire on the other.

 'Snow White' 

Oil On Board / 12'' x 12''

 'The King Is Dead, Long Live The King'

Oil On Board / 24'' x 15''

If you are interested in either of these unframed, signed originals then contact us at pete@petersmithcollective.co.uk - it's a first come first served I'm afraid or at least until my fevered brow returns back to normal!

Holy Underpants, Show Me Your Bristols

Holy Cornflakes Batman, are they serious? Is Peter and Jayne really appearing at Castle Galleries, Cribbs Causeway in Bristol tomorrow?

I'm afraid so Robin, the tragic twosome will be there between 2-5pm.

Holy hankies, what are you going to do? I thought the Penguin and the Joker were the worst thing to happen and now we have this, two artholes cavorting around in a gallery. Is there anything we can do to save Bristol?

I'm afraid not Robin, unless...

What is it Batman?

Unless...

And? Holy buttholes Batman, tell me!

KAPOW! Shut up Robin.

OWW! What was that for Batman?

Being a dick. There's only one thing for it Robin, I must dress up as a woman.

Again? Don't you remember last time?

I do Robin and I felt great! Pass me that suspender belt and lipstick, I'm going to gatecrash Peter and Jayne's appearance at Castle Galleries, Cribbs Causeway in Bristol between 2-5pm tomorrow Saturday the 28th March. They won't suspect a thing.

Do I need the rubber suit again Batman?

You do Robin, this time don't forget the talc and the ball gag, we don't want you squeaking all over the place. To the cross dressing fab mobile!

Holy lavender tea, this is going to be sweet!

If you would like to join Batman and Robin as well as meet Peter and Jayne they get yourself to Castle Galleries, Cribbs Causeway in Bristol between 2-5pm tomorrow Saturday the 28th March for fun, frolics, stories, dedications and cross dressing superheroes.

N.B. Superhero cross dressing event subject to change, not all superheroes are available to cover every appearance and some may even be in disguise.

STOP PRESS - The invisible man will be there!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

I Am The Great Cornholio

Artists can be unpredictable moody people with a penchant for over flowery words and exaggerated dress sense but how do you know if you are an artist?

Recent scientific discoveries have allowed us to make a quick checklist, simply add up the statements you agree with to find out if you are indeed an insufferable artshole.

Take one point for each statement you agree with.

A) I am an artist.

B) I am not an artist.

 

How did you do?

1 or more - Sorry, you're an artist.

0 or less - Congratulations, you're not an artist.

 

Top Tips For Being An Artist

Do something arty.

 

Top Tips For Non-Artists

Do something non-arty.

 

Artist confidence test, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the lowest, 10 the highest, how confident on a daily basis are you?

1-3 Sorry again, you are still an artist. It's perfectly natural to worry everyday and critique your own work to the point of self destruction. Your score may fluctuate on a daily basis sometimes reaching minus figures.

4-10 Congratulations you are not an artist but you may be an artshole (see 'Fartist' and 'Artyfarty')

 

How To Become An Artist

1) Don't.

2) If you really must then don't.

3) No, really, don't.

4) OK, In that case remember the old artist warning 'There are old artists and there are bold artists but there are no old bold long tailed lemurs that do excellent impressions of Mary Berry juggling her buns.'

 

Complete this arty sentance.

Artists ____ all day.

If you said paint, draw, create etc then congratulations you are not an artist, if you answered worry, cry, start again, tip over your easel, shout, throw work away, worry again then I'm sorry, you are still an artist.

If you are still not an artist then congratulations, please feel free to get on with your life. If you find you are still an artist then I'm deeply sorry and here's a pretty picture to keep you calm.

Cue the Bob Ross.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Lidl Donkey

In 1977 I received a book for Christmas, it was called 'The Making of The Goodies Disaster Movie' a surreal bit of work written by the Goodies. Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor who wrote and played the Goodies on television was surreal entertainment at its best and helped shaped my skewed view on the world at a very early age. To give you an idea on just how clever some of their work was here's a fictitious cast list for a version of White Christmas taken from the book...

OPENING SCENE

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedy
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glissen
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Anne
"Two Ears" Laybelle
Cindy Snow

SCENE TWO

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswit
Avery Criss
Miss Carr
Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby
Mary-Ann Bright
Anna-May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B White

Seeing as we are rambling on about alternative words why not try a few of these this Christmas to liven up those carols, you never know you might get a few more bob!

While shepherds watched their soaps by night,
All watching ITV,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And switched to BBC.

Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey,
On the cheap road,
Got to keep on flogging onwards,
With your bargain load.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
For the van of Stephen,
He had ordered pizza out,
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night
Over Marks and Spencers,
'Stephen you're late' said the king,
then he knocked him senseless.

We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear,
So fantastic, no elastic,
Only tuppence a pair.

O'Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O'It was the perfect flight.

I thought I would have a go with this takeaway Cliff classic...

The burger is King, the Carollers sing,
The old has passed, the fast food will win.
Dreams of fanta, dreams of wings,
Fingers greasy, faces will grow.

Christmas time, Misery and Whine,
Children eating cheesburger grime,
With royales on the flamer and bacon for thee,
A poor substitute for dinner we see.

A time unforgiving, a time for heaving,
Shove down the quarterpounder and fries for ever after,
Ours for the bellyaching, just follow the McMaster.
A time for lusting, not believing,

Violent night, bowely night

A time for misgiving, a time for sweating,
A standard of living that will be worth forgetting.
Christmas means shove down every last piece,
So open wide and swallow your grease.

It's a start, I wonder what other lyrics I can massacre?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fancy A Cup?

Sunday 7th September

5:00am

Got up, not much sleep due to being chased by Scooby Doo and a large sausage and went downstairs. Today was show day and the new Impossimal launch at the ICC flagship gallery in Birmingham. Hundreds of people to talk to and my head was full of cotton wool. Checked emails, found plenty of spam for enlargement pills, decided not to take up any of the offers as I had worked out on the calculator that it would make it approximately 275 feet long and a tripping hazard. Made a coffee and sat down to compose myself.

6:30am

Jayne was up and about busying herself for the show, I fumbled with the toothpaste tube then went into the shower apparently just to get soap in my eyes and stumble out to trip over the towel. An hour later I started to look a little better than the strategically shaved chimp I was earlier.

8:00am

Made a flask of coffee, I know it's show day and all that but I can't help treating it like a camping trip. Avoided the mistake of adding a quick 'nip' to the flask and screwed the lid tightly on. It's prone to a bit of a leak so I turned it upside down over the sink and shook it. No leak, good, in the car it went.

9:00am

Both in the car, sat-nav switched on and programmed, it reports no problems on the route and we set off. The journey takes around an hour and a half but halfway through the sat-nav develops a speech problem that it has never done before. It has trouble pronouncing 'R's. The word Birmingham comes out as Biringham, roundabout becomes Rindabout. How we laugh. Not, as she tells us to take the frist turin on the Rites which was actually a dead end. We switch off stupid sat-nag, we don't need it anyway.

The diversion got us lost and no amount of pleading with the sat-nav would get it to switch on again. It bounces on the back seat when it lands, switches on and tells us that we are going in the wring dieriliction and we should turin arind.

10:20am

Mailbox carpark, Birmingham. We are not due to get to the event until around 11:00am so reach for the flask for a nice cup of coffee. Jayne busies herself looking for the bananas (for a snack, we don't have a monkey with us) and I have the task of pouring the coffee. Sat in the driver seat I unwittingly unscrew the two cups on top. Funny, they seem a little stiff, I don't remember screwing them on that tightly.

Vacuum seal!!!! Oh no!!!

Too late, the first cup unscrewed and a torrent of scalding hot coffee poured out and straight between my legs. Red hot coffee splashed all over my nether regions on my show jeans and soaked through boiling my hollyhocks on the way. I jumped up and hit the roof, Jayne squealed and I remained trapped, half lifted on my haunches with a smouldering crotch and steaming bottom the flask tightly held and my head crushed into the fabric lining of the roof. Other users of the carpark eye me with suspicion as Jayne rushes around to my door and flings it open. I straddle out like a cowboy on a horse dripping a brown liquid from all the wrong places. Copious amounts of kitchen roll are called into play as the mopping up operation begins and I sit on a tea towel to soak up the coffee and to avoid the incontinence look at the show. Ho, bloody ho, what a great start, maybe I should jump into the canal on the way there to freshen up a little, I smell like a year old jar of Maxwell House.

Then of course I have to bend over so Jayne can survey the damage. I don't know if you have ever tried to do this inconspicuously in a busy public carpark or not but all I can tell you is that security wasn't happy. On camera it looked like I was employing in 'erotic compositions' said the burly guard who was sent down to investigate. Suitably ashamed and chastised the security guard did indeed agree that it was unfortunate and after a quick look at my bottom said I had nothing to worry about. However dear blog for the rest of the day I smelt like Starbucks.

10:35am

The walk to the show was short and uneventful, which I was rather thankful for although once or twice people I passed did utter to their respective partners that they fancied a coffee, was it my aroma that suggested it? My paranoia increased. I walked through the doors and into the gallery, 'fancy a coffee?' someone suggested, 'No thanks' I said 'I poured one over my ballcocks earlier, maybe later!' unfortunately I think this was taken as a weird artist comment even though it was a true statement and I never saw the person again.

The show began, Jayne manned her new position as Washington Green Artist with five fabulous originals next to my established long in the tooth, oh no not that old croak again what's he bloody doing now wall space and that was that. Time disappeared along with 149 Golden Hares, the QR and NFC tagged keys and prize tickets.

So after two days I sat on a Tuesday morning which I think is Monday with my head still in Sunday writing a blog about scalding your scrotum and thinking, wha? Wher? And other suitably ridiculous thoughts as I compose myself.

Ahem, that's better.

Over the weekend we released seven brand new Impossimal pieces and three new sculptures, Jayne officially joined the ranks of Washington Green with a series of original only ceramic and wire pieces, together we will be touring the country and bringing with us the golden hares to hide and give away. Full details will appear later this week about all the events and all I can say is that it's an incredibly exciting time and a very big thanks to all the galleries and people who attended the launch at the ICC, it was great to be able to chat to everyone and we look forward to seeing you all again in the following months.

Right, that's it, I'm a little tired and Jayne is boiling the kettle. I just need to get into the drivers seat whilst she pours.

Ahh!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals