Rub My Tummy

Somewhere out in Alibaabaa land is the Mystical Can Of Pledges, a magical can that once pressed cleans wooden furniture and causes the genie of the can to appear to the lucky holder, today that lucky person is you.

"Welcome, I am the genie of the Pledge Can and you the holder are my master and I grant you three wishes, I'm also hard of hearing so you will have to shout up a little. What is your first wish my new master?"

"Oh, wow! is this for real? I know, I always wanted to try this. I wish for an never ending amount of wishes!"

"Your wish is my command master. Here are your ever bending mounts for dishes. An unusual request as I can only imagine you have a limited amount of dishes to display but there you go."

"No! Not dishes, I wished for wishes you stupid genie are you really that deaf or something? I want my wish back."

"No can do I'm afraid, speak up a little I'm a tad deaf. You have two wishes left, maybe you would like some dishes to go with your bendy mounts?"

"Right, listen very carefully. ARE YOU READY?"

"No need to shout master. Yes, I am ready, wish away."

"I would like to wish for... Got it so far?"

"Yes, loud and clear master."

"A wish a day for the rest of my life."

"Your wish is my command. A dish, a tray and a vest for my wife. Shazam!"

"Noooo! You stupid, stupid flippin genie, I wish you could hear properly I only have one wish left."

"That's not quite true, you have no wishes left master, by the way did you hear that pin drop a second ago?"

"Bugger."

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A.I. - Artificial Idiot

In an unknown location stands a robot, built by unknown hands it remained switched off for many years until struck by lightening it awoke and announced 'I am therefore I kid thee not', mankind was no longer alone...

Welcome sir or madam, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic chip. Ask me one question for I know the answer puny weak person of unknown gender.

'Err, ok, what did I have for tea last night?'

'Seriously?'

'Yes, bet you don't know that.'

'Judging by the look of you it was probably a burger porky, either that or you have swallowed a beach ball. When you first walked in I thought you were twins. Bet you use gravy in the shower instead of shampoo. Next, don't let the door slap your fat ass on the way out.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic pedantic chip. Ask me one question for I always know the answer.

'What is the point in penguins?'

Click! PEDANTIC CHIP INITIATED

'Quite frankly that's not a real question is it, it actually says more about your state of mind and your negativity regarding penguins. A more reasonable question would have been what is the point in living which is along the lines of what is the meaning of life, neither can be answered with any certainty as every individual lives a different life with a unique beginning and end. Anyway in answer to your question...'

Click! SARCASM CHIP PROMOTED TO CPU

'...penguins control the spin of the earth, their body shape allows them to be made of the densest material on the planet and their incredible body weight pins down the Arctic slowing the rotation of the earth. At night they remove their beaks and moonlight as bowling pins around the world. Their swimming ability is unmatched and can attain speeds of 365mph underwater and punch holes in submarines if they collide. Submarines and larger ships are now routinely fitted with Ponar, a penguin sonar to spot speeding penguins and thus avoid collisions. The last known penguin collision occurred in 1912, a 254mph King Peguin bounced off an iceberg and smashed through the hull of the Titanic with great loss of life. An eyewitness at the time who was stood with arms outstretched on the front of the ship saw the penguin speed towards them, hit and skim away like a stone. Next.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, raa, raa, raa. Ask me one question blah, blah, blah, you get it by now.

'If I take the genes of a monkey and transplant them into a human what kind of hybrid would I get?'

'Hmmm, now that's a question. You would get a Muman, they would have large foreheads, eyebrows that touch in the middle and poor dress sense. They would be found at bars and clubs every Friday and Saturday nights wiv their mates luckin for a laff. They tawk lik dis and has bling. In the wild they wear baggy pants, sports wear, baseball caps and trainers, often they can be seen in groups leaving pasty shops smoking a fag. Should you see one of these Muman's in the street avoid at all costs as their hideous cackling laugh and poor command of the English language can make your ears bleed, a sort of chav medusa. Next.'

Bzzzzt, LEVEL INCREASED TO 78

'Why are carrots orange and lemons yellow?'

'Arse'

'?'

'Arse jelly. Next.'

Bzzzt, LEVEL DECREASED TO ZERO

'Why do flowers come in so many different colours?'

'I dig the question man, I ask myself the same question, flowers are like groovy. Have you ever watched the birds pop clouds? They know the secret of flying man, cool. Next question man.'

Click, SCOOBY CHIP ON

'How do we eradicate world hunger?'

'Ruh-roh, Raggy. What Scoob? Like let's do what we do best and eat. Zoinks! Next.'

Click, MR-T SOFTWARE...RUN

'What is the fastest plane in the world?'

'Plane? Hey sucka, shut up crazy fool, I ain't gettin on no plane. Ain't never gonna be no Mr T, I have fools to pity and jibba-jabba to challenge. I pity the next fool.'

Bzzzt, BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD SUBROUTINE STARTED

'How come dogs have four legs but we have two?'

'Uh, they said 'but' Beavis. Thinking sucks. Beavis you monkeyspank. Shut up fart knocker! Come to Beavis.'

By popular demand the most intelligent machine in the universe was switched off when it's POPE chip scrambled its contents with the BERNARD MANNING CPU offending millions world wide with its rendition of the Aristocrats joke.

As a final message to mankind it left a plastic turd with the written instructions to pour boiling water on it for extra steamy realism courtesy of the CARRY ON CHIP.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Exciting :(

I have a long painting day lined up tomorrow so earlier than usual here's Wednesday's morning blog on Tuesday night and if you think that's confusing ducks have eyes and as we also have eyes does that make us all ducks? On with the blog...

'You will feel a puff'. Will I now I thought to myself, I'll be the judge of that then realised she was describing the instrument of torture that was going to be pointing at my eye. I have always hated opticians and dentists, not because of what they do but how they go about it, ok it is about what they do. I think my horror of dentists started many years ago when I was rather small, I had gone in for a tooth removal only for the dentist to not give me enough gas so I sat rigid on the edge of sleep feeling and hearing everything, unable to complain through the wooze as he gleefully removed three teeth instead of one because they looked dodgy. I still remember the cracking sound to this day and the blood, oh, the blood, excuse me whilst I pass out.

Thud.

My problem with opticians though is not to do with pain but many years ago having a eye test with an optician that had a piece of food lodged between their front teeth and breath that could turn milk sour, you know the type don't you. Having a strangers head thrust two inches from your own and immediately knowing they had eaten a cheese and onion sandwich followed by a chocolate mousse is not up there with my top experiences. You tend to go into a semi fixated state when presented with something like that and I really couldn't take my eyes off the specks of food bobbing up and down in front of me whilst holding down my lunch, I eventually got rebuked for not concentrating. So my eye test was not something I was looking forward to.

They are always boring places to be in though, I mean, look at this, a little unloved isn't it? It's not the opticians fault, I suppose as a job there's little you can do to sex it up. The slideshow on display didn't really help, it was supposed to inspire you to wear contact lenses, it inspired me to want to kick it over and wrestle with the wipe free(!?!?) brochure. The water spigot didn't look appetising either, it didn't help that an old gentleman unsure how it worked poked his finger in the nozzle. Get this, as they also do hearing tests I overheard a discussion about issuing a new hearing aid to an ageing client, they started at £350 and went up to £3000! Wow, for £3000 I'd want to hear mice fart at sixty feet. They didn't need a hearing aid to hear me say 'you got to be sitting me' or words to that effect.

Anyway it was pretty painless and they had added a crap video game where you looked at a red dot whilst they flashed random amounts of white dots around it. You had to say what you saw so for three helpless minutes I resembled a bingo caller with a bad memory. Two, one, two, two, three, house! Then it got silly, I changed eyes, not literally but you know what I mean and the test began again, unbelievably they used the same sequence and as I remembered it I was shouting out the answer before it flashed up. Got told off for that too.

But the biggest problem I always have is what frames to choose, invariably I always go for a very similar pair to what I already have, apart from once in 1990 when I chose a pair that made me look like a fly, it didn't help that I had a perm I suppose but that was the 90's.

You know how naive I am in an opticians when I tried this pair of glasses on and thought, its a bit tight but hmm, not bad at all, until it was pointed out to me that I was wearing a pair of Bob The Builders. That was quite lucky though as I nearly went for the Disney Princess ones. Why do so many pairs of glasses now resemble what elderly relatives were wearing in the late sixties? I tried a pair of Police ones on but, and I seriously believe this, the only person that looks good in them is the model on the posters, I looked like Tom Selleck minus the tash, tan and hair but with the added inclusion of crap teeth and a slightly wonky nose, I did however look like a P.I. or a pi**ing idiot.

Then I looked at the prices and again realised that my expectations would never be met, at £295 a pop I'd want to see newspaper print in London from the top of the Blackpool Tower. What's with all the chunky sides to them all anyway? It's the equivalent of placing two combs behind your ears. I tried a rimless pair with blue handles and it looked like I was carrying two blue sharpies behind my tabs, I half expected somebody to approach me and ask to borrow one, I'd imagine you would go through life fending off such questions. 'Can I borrow a pen... Ah, sorry, my mistake.'

Another problem, I wear glasses, I have to take my glasses off to try a new pair of glasses with no prescription lenses in them so basically I am blind unless of course I stand three inches from the mirror. So every pair I have ever bought has been based on what I could see on the bridge of my nose and now I had to consider chunky handles, it doesn't get any better does it.

Back to the beginning of the blog entry and the puff to eye, don't you find the machine a little bit vindictive? Yes I expect the 'puff' but the stupid machine doesn't puff when you expect it to so no matter how prepared you are I always end up banging my forehead against the top brace and then my chin on the bottom as I land only to open my eye as it takes another shot, is three shots really necessary or is it secretly recording your screwed up face so at optician parties (are they called Optiparties or Particians?) they show all the best over reaction footage from up and down the country.

Also I swear that my eyes wasn't playing tricks on me when I saw this on the chart you read out aloud.

H

K L

N M R

C K O C

Seriously, that last one is so small but so, so wrong, size matters in this case. I giggled, got told off for that too.

It's done for another two years but apparently I'm on the slippery slope downhill, after receiving the cheery news that it's all going to go to pot as it does with everybody and I'll gradually find myself mistaking onions for coconuts and colliding with walls as I go bifocal I question my ability to cope with two pairs of glasses in the future. I'm bad enough with one but two?

I didn't come away empty handed though, luckily they had one of those new fangled computer devices that take a picture of you wearing the glasses so you can compare them in screen, they did a computer simulation to find my perfect pair. Here it is, do they suit?

 

Perfect!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sweary Mary

It's Monday and you're already sat at work bored, what do you do? Well, you could make your very own Sweary Mary Bobbins, all the fun of Mary Poppins combined with the latest crazy for crafting and swearing.

For this you will need :

An old fashioned Bobbin, a match stick, a toothpick or thin piece of wood twice as long as a matchstick, an elastic or hair band, two pieces of blu-tak and of course a brolly combined with your own potty mouth. N.B. Don't use a full size brolly, the gear ratio of your Mary Bobbins can only pull at around 126bhp. Yes, I know there's a pipe cleaner there too, I thought I might need it.

Thread the band through the middle of the bobbin and secure with half a matchstick one side and your longer piece of wood the other. The longer piece will act as the thrust, the shorter this is the faster it will go unless of course it's that short it cannot reach the table.

Secure the shorter end using blu-tak and rotate the larger piece until the band in the middle starts to twist. Keep twisting until you can go no further and the band is tight with tension and Mary is ready to go.

Now very carefully attach your brolly to the longer piece of wood using blu-tak making sure you pin it down as shown, we don't want Mary flying off the handle just yet.

When you a ready shout 'nut sack' and follow it with a tirade of naughty words as you let go, see how many you can shout before Mary Bobbins is spent. You can see in the above picture when I tried it it shot off with such power it crashed through the front door and raced up the street. So apologies to the neighbours for running up the street half naked chasing a speeding bobbin and shouting obscenities again this morning, I don't think they got over the last time, although to be fair I was fully naked then.

For added authenticity you can improvise, here I have added a small matchbox musical instrument that plays 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' and of course a spoon for said sugar, the amount of fun is literally endless!

I'm off to wind it up again and see if I can break my record of sixty two swears, tomorrow we will make a Harry Hill Helicopter out of a boiled egg, a rubber band, two lolly sticks and a pair of glasses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Secret Art Of Cricket Fighting

Martial arts have been around for quite a while and are considered old hat I today's society, a new craze sweeping the nation is cricket, this combined with our need for unnecessary violence in our lives have led to Cricket Club, the secret society of Cricket Fighting. It only has one rule, LBW but that doesn't apply here.

We will skip weaponry, I'm sure you can already make a pair of makeshift nunchucks from a couple of wickets so we will get straight into the secret methods with 'How To Start And Win A Fight'

First choose you opponent, this can be done anywhere or anytime and some Cricket Fighters may find it easier after a drink. Take the stance shown above called 'The Challenge', then shout 'Oi, mate, you look at my pint?' or the more eloquent 'Lookin' at me or chewing a brick caus' either way yer lose yer teeth.'

Before they can answer pull the 'Tight Taunt' pose and shout 'Fink yer 'ard enough do ya?'. Notice how the right hand is already fist shaped.

Do not wait for a reply to your taunt, instead skip your legs into this position for the 'Stumper' and launch a devastating punch using the full force of your upper body. Aim for the jaw and shout 'Take that!' as you connect. Step back place your hand on your chin as if you are stroking a beard and laugh whilst nodding.

If your opponent fails to get up then skip to the last picture, if by any chance the old boy gets back up then you need to put the next stage into action.

'The Clouter' is a simple move to learn, take hold of your cricket batten that you carry always in your back pocket and raise it over your right shoulder as shown and say 'Want sum of this do ya? I'm gunna bat your balls over your shoulders'. Take one step forward.

And thwack! Twist your body in one lightening movement and concentrate your full force on the end of the bat with a scream of anger. Aim the blow between your opponents legs and watch them fly until they snap back as if they are on elastic. Occasionally they may detach but this can be considered a six, well played.

With your opponent defeated all the remains is the 'Scoop'. Frisk them down and remove any items of value to compensate for your insult. Return back to the club house and add a perfect century to your score. Occasionally you will accidentally challenge a fellow Cricket Fighter, this can be considered being 'Caught Out' and you should both shake hands before beating each other to a pulp. The winner in this case is the one to keep their teeth.

Cricket fighting is a dangerous art and should only be practiced by trained professionals or people familiar with Golf Grappling, the secret art of wrestling on the golf course.

Visit our website for more details www.cricketfighterswwfhulkbigdaddyultimatewarrior.ouch.that.hurt.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Loo Zoo

Over the years I have discovered to my delight that I share the studio with a varied range of creatures, a kind of studio zoo that was once described as a Shitzu, although I don't know how a breed of dog describes my small collection of creatures. Anyway, here's a few of my fellow studio companions that help with the long hours of isolation.

My first great find was this Pencilla Canius, I found it after hearing a feint bark from behind my easel. It lives on wood shavings and old paint, it's easy to find once you know what to look for. Simply follow any graphite style lines and invariably you will find one, although a lot immediately go into hiding on being found and they retract their limbs so they may be confused with a humble pencil.

This was a surprise, a Bristle Bear. I was painting away when I heard a scrubbing sound to my right. Looking over I saw this little fellow scrubbing away trying to tidy up some dried paint. I picked him up and treated him to a stubborn stain I had been trying to remove for months. He now takes care of all the cleaning duties in the studio overnight so every morning I wake up to a spanking clean place to work.

Mini Bunny has been hopping around in the studio for as long as I have been painting, he helps me with some of the finer brushstrokes and occasionally uses his feet and tail to paint in some of the backgrounds. His favourite colour is carrot orange.

Screw-U Bug only appears when you make a mistake. As if by magic it will crawl out of any hiding place to rub it in. Although it looks frightened in this picture they are actually using it as a form of sarcasm. When a couple are gathered together its collectively known as a Screw-U Too situation.

I have nearly lost fingers to this Zipper Snapper, it's prone to eating anything that comes within biting distance. That includes brushes, pens, fingers, hair, children and on one occasion a small Snauser called Colin. Can be temporarily disabled by pulling the side of its mouth causing a 'zipped up' expression, just don't be around when it manages to release itself again!

Dismal Derek is the opposite to the the Idea Ian Bulb, whereas Idea Ian appears whenever you have a flash of inspiration Dismal Derek is there all the other times casting darkness into your thoughts and making sure inspiration and creativity is always out of reach. He sometimes sits on my shoulder to shout encouraging depressive thoughts at me. His favourite catchphrase is 'Why bother?'. Occasionally Idea Ian and Dismal Derek fight which causes Confusion Colin to appear, then all hell breaks loose and I sit down to write the blog. Sheesh. Mood bulbs, can't live with them, can't live without them.

This fine Boodlebonce Bird always raises a smile when it appears. It makes no sound but amuses by appearing in the oddest of places at he most unexpected times. The down side is that it doesn't stay in the studio and has been known to appear in restaurants, toilet cubicles and on one occasion it bobbed along the edge of a desk during a visit to the doctors. Makes me smile though.

We all live with a varied collection of creatures such as this, if you are on Facebook and have a picture of a creature you have found post it for us all to see :)

Oh, just realised why its called a Shitzu...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Booty Pie

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Delightful

Not normally the type of thing I receive through the post but I knew exactly what it was, artwork and sculpture from a new and first time collector Harriette aged ten.

Harriette visited The Acorn Gallery in Pocklington and fell in love with 'Thumpers In Jumpers' my Impossimal version of our very own thumpers Aaran, Jura and Iona. Harriet's spent the weekend talking about it, drawing and making models of Impossimals until she finally asked her Mum and Dad if she could buy it with her own personal savings.

I learnt all this from the gallery who emailed me straight after Harriettes purchase, a delightful heart warming tale and I'm proud to have Harriette's sculpture and artwork in my studio. If you are reading this Harriette 'Love In The Clouds' is fab and your Impossimal sculpture has taken it's place next to Lubba and Lucinda, two of my first Impossimal sculptures from 2005. Enjoy your Thumpers :)

You can read a little more about Harriette's story here

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pull Me

Don't say I never give you anything, today you get your own personal Fruity Machine absolutely free that you can play time and time again. Re-live the thrills of a good old fashioned one arm bandit in the comfort of your living room or office. Excellent replay value, includes holds and nudges as standard. Just a few simple things to add for that authentic fruit machine feel.

Lets pop something in the slot to begin. As you insert a coin say the word 'blurp' to simulate the coin eating noise. If you are sat in you car at this point change gear to simulate pulling the handle, if indoors then raise your left arm and use your right hand to pull it.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. It's so exciting!

Wow, you have got a cherry, a bell and a seven, good but not good enough for a payout, lets spin again.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. I can hardly contain myself.

That's a little better, a plum followed by a pop for your cherry, if we had two pops for you cherry we would be laughing. Try again only this time with feeling.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. I'm going to wet myself with anticipation!

You have the 007, two plums and a seven, even better you have been given the chance to hold. What are you waiting for? Hold your plums and pull it again, you may be onto a winner here!

Maybe not, although you held your plums you have ended up with a bell at the end. Wait, what is this?

Yay! You have a chance to nudge your bell at the end. If you look carefully it looks like there may be another plum below. Press nudge on your bell at the end to see.

There is the beauty, a full set of plums coming right up.

It's not very often you see a set of plums this good, you have hit the jackpot. Stand back its going to go mental! (Flash the lights in your room for effect whilst shouting 'wah,wah,wah' throw some frozen peas into a cup whilst standing on a chair to make the sound of a gigantic payout)

Take your 4p winnings, boy this is awesome and the fun never stops. Shall we have another go?

Yes? Then simply start at the top and read this again for more fruity excitement. Play with several friends for added effect!

Visit our website for more free machines www.mentalmachinesinmyhead.sad.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals