Merry Christmas, S*itter Was Full

1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.

2. Roll out paper so it's flat.

3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.

4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.

5. Curse.

6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.

7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1

8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.

9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.

10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.

11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.

12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.

13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present

14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.

15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.

16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.

17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.

18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.

19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.

20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.

21. Stick first edge down carefully.

22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.

23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.

24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.

25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.

26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.

27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.

28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27

29. Get present.

30. Buy a bag bigger than present.

31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.

32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.

33. Sleep in chair.

34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.

33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.

34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.

35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.

36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.

37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.

38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.

39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.

40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.

41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.

42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.

43. January 5th join Gym.

44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.

45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.

46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.

47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.

48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.

49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.

50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.

51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.

*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.

Welcome To Your 14-Day Guide - All Your Family Favourites! Best Value Double Issue ONLY 95p

Welcome to your 14-Day Guide

All your family favourites!

Best Value Double Issue 95p

CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS

Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock

BBC1

4:00am Christmas LIVE

Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.

10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey

Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.

11:00am Chicken Run

Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.

3:00am The Queen

Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.

5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing

Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.

7:30pm Doctor Who

Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.

N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!

8:30pm Eastenders

In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.

BBC2

7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas

Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.

11:00am - 9:30pm Morecambe & Wise

In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia inter-spliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecambe & Wise.

N.B. I quote from knowledgeable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.

ITV

9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie

What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it single handedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an Oscar award winning classic.

1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas

A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.

6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street

Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.

8:30pm Downton Abbey

Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.

CHANNEL 4

I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?

8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With A Guest Who Buggers Off To A Hotel Between Shots

Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'

11:05pm Father Ted

It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.

12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes

Feck! Drink!

CHANNEL 5

Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?

Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart, CSI and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!

9:30pm This Is It

Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?

Repeats, glorious repeats!

I'd expect nothing else.

Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.

Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.

Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,

With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,

Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu...

THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR

We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.

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FREE GIFT! Knob Twiddler Weakly

In celebration of Peter and Jayne appearing at Castle Galleries Norwich tomorrow between 1-4pm all welcome here's our Friday Free Gift to you, the knob twiddling public!

Your pocket guide to Christmas Day television and beyond, simply use our patent screen scissors to cut out your computer or laptop screen to have this free guide to Christmas always handy.

Christmas Eve

9am Sinbad And The Eye Of The Chicken - Sinbad stumbles from a fantastic voyage battling mythical creatures into a well known chicken drive through restaurant only to find his Chicken burger is looking back at him. A fight ensues and Sinbad discovers there's more to his burger than he first thought as he uncovers a secret lips, eyes and arsehole processing factory. Disgusted he releases the Kraken in revenge and opens an ethical restaurant in Hull.

1pm Cash In The Attic - We visit celebrities with the HMRC for a Christmas tax avoidance special and find out just how much untaxed cash they really stuff in the attic and under their beds. Special guest appearance sponsored by Ken Dodds Mattress

2pm FILM - Santa Clause - When Santa falls down a chimney a legal battle ensues as Santa sues the entire population of the world for having unsafe chimneys and householders for enticing him with booze leading to alcoholism and mince pies leading to diabetes. Using legal aid Santa manages to win his case forcing banks to pay out billions in compensation, governments to announce austerity cutbacks worldwide and banks to ask for bail outs. As we slide as a nation into anarchy Santa sues again, this time for not allowing for his disabilities and failing to supply parking facilities for his sled and reindeer. Another win for Santa further squeezes the coffers and budgets to schools, hospitals, the emergency services and highway maintenance leaving the government no option but to announce will the last one to leave the UK please turn off the light. Entertaining! 5/5 *****

5pm Strictly Dancing On Ice In The Jungle - Ant and Deck, our chirpy presenters take seventy three has been celebs through several trials as they attempt to foxtrot wearing ice skates over crocodile infested pools whilst eating kangaroo gonads. Vote lines are now open dial 0800 YES-PLEASE to vote yes and make sure that we throw Ant and Deck to the crocs.

6pm The Snowman - Shown every year its a sad tale of a disillusional boy who has no friends and has to make them out of snow. Uncaring parents let him cavort about outside wearing nothing but his pyjamas and allow him to open his door to a naked stranger wearing just a hat and a scarf in the dead of night, a stranger that sinisterly tries out his parents false teeth before abducting the boy. A drug fuelled sequence shows the turmoil in the boys head as he experiences a flying sensation and dancing snowmen before being dumped in front of a jolly drunk who entices him with the promise of a present. Cert 18 - May contain disturbing drug induced scenes and a death sequence at the end. Watch out for the exciting follow up tale including a dead dog.

7pm Coronation Street - In a family Christmas special a posse of Eastenders invade the street in an attempt to win this years soap awards. Gail Platt throws the first punch at Peggy Mitchell who retaliates by setting fire to Ken Barlows hair, twenty six fights occur simultaneously as the street erupts into Christmas violence when it is revealed that Pat Butcher is the love child of Ena Sharples and Arthur Fowler. A tram crashes through the flimsy sets whilst a multi car pileup causes mayhem in the shop when it tips over a display of tea bags. Featuring four plane crashes, three murders, two affairs and a partridge in a pair tree this episode will bring a smile to everyone this Christmas.

9pm A Christmas Nativity - Problems abound at Canterbury Cathedral when a donkey bought in to stand next to the manger goes berserk knocking baby Jesus to the floor and stamping on several wise men before being restrained. A delightful modern production guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye even if it's just for a wish for it to end.

9:30pm Lets Rev Your Kid Up - A program special designed to get your kids ripped up to maximum excitement levels so they play you up when you tell them it's time for bed. Guaranteed to make sure they wake up every twenty minutes from 1am to check for Santa.

12pm Carols From Westminster - Hopefully 24,365 Carols will attend this yearly event to try and break last years record of 22,615 Carols in one place. Participants must bring their birth certificate along on the day as proof of being a Carol. Our most popular broadcast will take you through the Carols as they file in and out of Westminster and are counted along the way. Riveting stuff.

Tomorrow we have Christmas Day covered. 

TV listings courtesy of Knob Twiddlers Weakly, your only guide to Knob Twiddling.

Hoff Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

If like me you always have the perfect Christmas with perfect food, presents and me then you should give me a call, if not, all you other non-Hoffs can follow my handy guide to Christmas. Ho Ho Hoff and away we go!

Christmas dinner for the Hoff is a perfect plate on a perfect table in a perfect house in a perfect world, Hoff world, to save you from yourself here's a guide on what type of Christmas cook you are and how to avoid a un-Hoff Christmas disaster.

If your Christmas dinner looks like this then you are what I call a 'drowner'. Overcooked veg and limp slimy meat partially saved by a large Yorkshire pudding is then hidden under a Tsunami of gravy that has started to separate into fat around the edges. This is un-Hoffy, it should resemble my massively chiseled handsome features, stare at a picture of me until you understand the Hoff and try again or learn to cook Beef Stroganhoff.

If you serve this you are too Hoff to handle. Man, the beauty of waffles instead of potatoes and luncheon meat wrapped sausages and frozen mixed veg is Hoff the scale, well done, you can sit at my table any time. I might even show you my pocket Kitt.

Only the Hoff can serve de-constructed food because only the Hoff is awesome enough in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom, dang, I'm awesome everywhere don't hassle the Hoff with this bring me something Hoff the scale like a burger.

This is more like it, there is nothing more satisfying for the Hoff than settling down in my perfect body to chow down on a Pot Noodle and to finish off with a banhoffie pie. The ideal meal to share with your other Hoff on Christmas Day and whilst you dream about me as you eat your banhoffie pie you must listen to the Hoff and his special choice of music and gifts.

You can't get more Christmassy than this, listen to classics like All I Want For Christmas Is Hoff and The Hoffy And The Ivy sang by my friend Rico who helped me bring down the Berlin Wall, penned 'Freedom' with me and advised me to wear a jacket filled with Christmas lights many years ago.

Straight Hoff the peg is my special Christmas jumper to cover my superb muscular body, get ready to get Hoff on this girls, nobody fills a jumper like the Hoff.

Hoff the time spent in the kitchen this Christmas with my self propelled rolling pin, the perfect kitchen aid accompaniment whilst you drink a hot cup of Hoffee. 

The Hoff doesn't forget the little ones either, how about this attractive toy, it's only Hoff price at the moment an Hoffer you can't refuse.

As one final surprise I, the Hoff have allowed all my chest hair to be donated and turned into these attractive dog wigs. Sure enhoff they will be available shortly from my online store Hoffelujah.hoff, only one per customer. Wear the Hoff, feel the Hoff, worship the Hoff you know you want to, some like it Hoff.

Hoff yourself a very Merry Christmas, I'm logging Hoff but will return, you can't keep a good Hoff down.

Today's blog entry bought to you by the Hoff Outreach Foundation Family or HOFF for short. 

Xmas Crimble Yuletide Advert Time For Sentimentality

Crimbo Cats Festive Survey

Chrismastide, Noel, nativity, call it what you will Christmas is here to stay along with all the latest nostalgic tear jerking adverts so we asked members of the celebrity obsessed public to tell us what their best Christmas spelling is and these are the results.

"I fink it means to me everyfing is shiny and like that's why I call it Crimble time. It's the stuff of jeezus and Maori wid da likkle donkey in da shed, innit? I mean if day r gunna ave it evry year why don't they tell us? This fanta bloke is ace but I don't know wat a chimney is. Is it like a long chin?" said a typical yoof yesterday.

"My dear I think you will find its actually Yuletide, Christmas is so common and don't even get me started with Xmas. Xmas is so, so, Peter Smith, he's as common as they come you know. Yuletide felicitations to you all!"

A.N.Arsehole, Notts

"I like Xmas, it's like a quick way to write and is a real boon when writing Christmas cards. Of course it sounds as if you couldn't be bothered and yes it may come across as lazy but hey, it's Xmas, were all in misery so get over it." 

Mr Crimble Claus, N.Pole

"Personally I prefer the season of Noel when we celebrate all things about that plumb bearded chap Noel Edmunds. I remember his Noel Edmunds House Party, the one with Mr Blobby, oh, he was such a great character. A great big pink thing with spots, or was that something I went to the doctors with? I dunno, anyway Noel is great and my first choice at this time of year."

N.Edmunds, Crinkly Bottom.

"I was always taught that it was pronounced Chrissymissymussytime to go along with the seasons, after all what else would go with Winterfrinterchillywilly and Bonfireywiry Night?"

That bloke off the television that makes rude phonecalls and gets let off to make millions of pounds more.

"Wibble poot, floooomffhh, pop, pop, booomph."

Po.

"Mr name is Noddy Holder and I like to call this time of year 'ker-ching!!' after the sound my royalty cheque makes at the bank after 'Merry Christmas Everybody' has been played 1,253,273 times."

Mr N.Holder 1976

"My name is Mariah and this Christmas I fancy something different to you."

Mariah Couldn't Carey, Hull

"My name is George Michael and I want my heart back even though you tore it apart."

George "It's not the only thing you tore" Michael

"Quite frankly I wish it could be Christmas every day" said Roy Wood.

"Really I hate Christmas, my name is Mary Berry and I often get confused with Merry. That sponge dear is over baked, what do you think Paul?"

"I think it's an ok bake Mary, not one of their best. Did you prove the dough correctly before putting it in the oven Cliff?"

"Hey Mary, you're a Livin' Doll want to go on a Summer Holiday and get away from all this Mistletoe and Wine?"

We had to cut our survey short as we started to be surrounded by ex-Christmas song celebrities and it was blocking the doorway to Greggs, more results tomorrow when we ask Showadywady and The Bay City Rollers what they really think of striped curtains in a bedroom.

Christmas Is Coming (10p O.N.O) No Time Wasters

It's November and the Christmas cheer is filling the shops with festive fun in the form of tortuous music and gaudy baubles so lets start early with a scrimpers guide to Christmas for less than 10p, probably. 

Impress family and friends with your thriftiness and thrill them all with special time saving gift tags, the ultimate Christmas tree using our handy planner and save £££ on crackers by simply making your own.

First up is this ornate gift tag cleverly using TXT SPK to appeal to youngsters (for all you oldies out there the above text speak actually says 'This is for you, a special gift from myself to a special friend). No more writing out personal messages, no boring Merry Christmas Grandad, enter the twenty second century and simply print out the above as many times as necessary and attach them to your gifts. It saves time, money and sentimentality when all you are interested in is what you're going to get. Occasionally you may get problems if the gifts get mixed up but hey, maybe Auntie Mabel wanted underarm hair removal cream, she could certainly do with it on her moustache. 

Planning a perfect Christmas tree is never easy so why not use our handy chart. Simply print it out the same size as your tree and you can lay it down on a flat surface and try out different combinations safely and effectively before hanging it all on the tree. Avoid disputes, solve bauble position problems and work out the best way to trail tinsel. When happy with the layout use string to divide your actual tree into squares just like our grid and stand back shouting coordinates to your family as you hand them the decorations. Great fun and can be used year after year, no batteries required!

The price of mince pies and shots of brandy has skyrocketed this year so leaving a free plate out for Santa is a little foolhardy, he's fat enough and possibly on the verge of some serious medical conditions so help Santa out with this 3D imitation Santa treat for Christmas Eve. Santa will be thrilled, two, yes, two mince pies, a shot of the good stuff and of course a carrot for Rudolph, who after being picked on by the other reindeer's you are now reinforcing his isolation from the rest of the group by only giving him a present. Fool children and adults alike by simply chucking the printout in the bin as soon as everyone goes to bed and replacing in with a real plate.

Do you prepare yourself for PP's on Christmas Day? PP stands for p*** poor and are last minute, unfathomable gifts that make you gasp in their awfulness. Often wrapped in the gaudiest of paper these shockers often cause major fights over the Christmas dinner as you continue to show your displeasure at getting a pair of slippers instead of a new convertible or private jet. Well, no more, now you can grimace and mouth abuse in secret with this handy grin on a stick. Simply hold this in front of your face for the duration of Christmas Day to fool everyone into thinking its the greatest Christmas ever.

Now for the ultimate cracker to pull look no further than the all-in-one Charade Cracker, a powerhouse of entertainment. For this you will need the following :

A Toilet Roll, kitchen roll, charades (write out your favourite movie or book title), a small dog lead (string), a toy dog (in this case an elegantly fashioned toy dog made from sturdy paper), a bang and of course a hat.

Simply make a toy dog, fold a small bit of paper to save money and embarrassment into a hat that fits on your finger, write BANG on a piece of card and stuff it all inside the toilet roll along with the string and secret charade.

It should look like this, use the remaining kitchen roll to stuff both ends. Place them around the table on Christmas Day and after dinner you can 'pull' them. The noiseless bang avoids worrying pets, the small hat nobody can wear avoids embarrassment, the winner of the pull gets a cherished toy dog which they can attach a lead to and 'walk' around the table and finally there is a charade for the winner to act out. My suggestion is you clear the table and get them to perform it on the table top in front of all your guests for the ultimate in table top games. I remember one year when auntie Maud's charade was 'Three Men and a Donkey'. After climbing on the dining room table, great granddad Bertie was rushed off with heart palpitations when she acted out the naked donkey scene and paramedics took two hours to extract her from the broken hostess trolley she used as a makeshift prop. It took a further three house to remove the crackers. 

Good times.

So that's it for part one of the perfect thrifty Christmas, tomorrow how to cook dinner using free ingredients from dustbins and skips and of course how to jar jellied leftovers for friends, its the gift that keeps on giving. 

Cheer up, it'll soon be Christmas and we will all be in misery.

The Perfect Christmas

I'm Santa and this is your guide to a festive frugal time this Christmas with some excellent designer ideas from a world famous bloke that's done a bit of decorating on television.

One simple way to make sure all your guests feel festive as they spend long hours on the porcelain throne after dinner is to jinglefy your cushion comfort rolls with the addition of a christmassy holly motif easily applied using a biro or crayon. For additional points keep a box of after eight mints in easy reach, not only will the minty taste help digest Christmas dinner but the resulting minty breath will also dispel most odours.

Carve potatoes with the initials of your guests beforehand and sprinkle with black pepper for a swish display of your culinary skills. NB This is not advisable if mashing potatoes, Inonce did that for guests called Robert, Caroline, Anthony and Paul, the resulting mash spelled out 'crap' on their plates, at least that's what I think they were on about when they mentioned that the potatoes were crap.

Cheese is always popular so make it more special by wrapping it in sparkly silver foil and add a sprig of holly as a flourish. Store in a warm room two weeks before hand to allow it to 'mature' before gifting it.

Got a heavy drinker in the family that costs oodles to keep supplied at Christmas? Fool them into drinking lemonade by decorating brightly and serving with a pint glass. If they still have the ability to see straight and read then simply write the word VODKA above the lemonade on the label for a new exciting drink 'Lemonade Vodka'. Make sure to place roller skates under the television and keep moving it around the room to create a vodka induced unsteady vision fooling your alcoholic guest.

Bin bags as presents can be so passé, make them special again by wrapping in ribbon before placing under the Christmas tree.

It's always a problem wrapping certain presents like toilet brushes, instead disguise them using items from the Christmas tree. A fairy makes an ideal toilet brush 'topper' and is ideal to keep out all year as an attractive display item for your guests. Crocheted toilet mats are a must to match and you can even add fluffy toilet seats to further enhance the luxury.

Decorations can be expensive so use freezer bag clips on ribbon for a useful festive display. Should space become tight in the kitchen simply 'peg' items to the display further enhancing it's attractiveness.

No table would be complete without a nativity display to wow your guests. Forget expensive ones from the shop just use all your leftovers creatively to give you a nostalgic glimpse into the true meaning of Christmas. Mushrooms make ideal kings whilst potatoes double up for Jospeh and Mary, feel free to add paper napkin hoods. Donkeys are best made from onions and a carrot manger completes the look.

One for the kids; turn any normal reindeer into the ever important Rudolph with the inclusion of a cherry tomato nose attached with Sellotape. Simple!

We hope these tips have been useful, don't forget to send me pictures of your cost cutting designer additions to your house!

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals