Imagine

Bagpuss awoke and yawned, he didn't realise how long he had been asleep but it had been a long, long time. The others didn't seem to mind, professor Yaffle the carved disginguished bookend in the shape of a woodpecker was also prone to taking the odd nap. Madeleine the rag doll patted him, 'old furry catpuss, you have been asleep, come and see what Emily has bought you'.

Bagpuss looked over at the empty jar Emily had left. It was covered in dust and had a small peeling label on the front. The mice from the mouse organ had already rolled it across the floor convinced it was a fabulous glass house made for a very important snail. Paddington who had been listening from the corner of the room disagreed and gave the mice a hard stare. It's a jar for marmalade said Paddington as he removed a large marmalade sandwich from underneath his hat. A whistle from behind the mouse organ disagreed and Tiny Clanger stepped out. No matter how hard he whistled he just couldn't get the rest to understand until Parsley the lion who had been listening intently sat up and started to speak only to be interrupted by Dill who raced across the floor chasing his tail.

The 'ching' of the door drew everyone's attention and they all looked up to see good old Mr Benn step in followed by Pugh, Pugh, Barney, McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub the Trumpton Firemen. Even they were puzzled by Emily's object and it was only when Hartley the outspoken hare and Zippy started to argue that they all realised what it was.

But before they could finish the door opened and in stepped a grim looking man.

'I'm here to inform you all that on this day April 3rd 1987 this shop 'Childhood' and all its contents has been declared unworthy and is to be closed with immediate effect. All characters are to be disbanded and all found objects to be destroyed along with imagination, innocence and manners.'

Emily's shop, 'Childhood' closed its doors and lay dormant for several months until a development firm moved in and ripped out the Victorian frontage and replaced it with a large glass window. It's new owners, four armed turtles opened the doors of its new refurbished shop 'Brats' and business was never better. It was louder, brasher and you could see children racing around screaming and kicking all day long. During a special Power Rangers event children became so excited they were sick and it took a lot of cleaning by the Pokemon's to put the shop back in order the next day but they all agreed that such mayhem was great fun indeed.

All went fine until one day in the year 2000 a familiar grim looking man stepped in to 'Brats'.

'I'm here to inform you all that on this day April 3rd 2005 this shop 'Brats' and all its contents has been declared unworthy and is to be closed with immediate effect. All characters are to be disbanded and all your attitude is to be retained for future generations.'

Overnight 'Brats' was gutted and remodelled into a shop not unlike every other shop in the high street. It was called 'All Growed Up' and contained everything a young adult from the age of three could ever want. Gone were the toys and tools of imagination, gone were the calming stories and soft comfort of being shielded from the world. In was gritty realism, mobile phones with access to an uncensored adult world, a overpowering message that fame was in your grasp and the only thing that mattered was you. Manners was swept under the carpet along with respect for others, tolerance and humility. Shelves were stacked high with arrogance, violence, sex and disrespect for others and the shop thrived. The shop was so successful it became a chain of stores and can be found in every corner of every town in every country to this very day.

Emily's 'Childhood' shop still exists, it's deep in us all if you look hard enough but it's voice is still, unable to call and be heard against the clamour of daily life. But for those that know, it never leaves and you can open the door and step in, just close your eyes and your there.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fork Handles

I don't get out much, that is always aparent when I try and do 'normal' things like fill the car or visit the bank. most people would take this in their stride but im getting incresingly confused by babble. by babble I mean the emotionless speech you get when you finish your shopping. In a well known shop that sells books, magazines and possibly top shelf rhythm pamphlets when you finish paying for your items the cashier will add 'Would you like a Kitkat with that or maybe a Mars bar?'' and sweep her hand enticingly over the counter and across the display.

Really, is this for all the brain dead fodder that cannot think for themselves? 'Duh, er, come to think of it that's what I was here in the first place for, duh...dribble'. It extends even further, recently we moved our car insurance only to be involved in a lengthy discussion about why, who with, how dare you, can I offer you, inside leg size and you get a free camel if you stay. It seems that these people try to baffle you into submission by talking endlessly so I tend to put my hearing and attention in limbo occasionally to cope.

Sigh, so imagine my massive no surprise yesterday when I stood in the queue to pay for petrol and after finishing the transaction was involved in yet another surreal episode only this time much worse.

'That will be thirty two pounds and two pence'

Okay, I can forgive the 'please' when you are taking my money but really do you have to carry on talking to the lady in the opposite queue?

She carried on, '...and you know I never used to have curly hair, it's them hore moans, as soon as them hore moans kicked in I woke up the next day with curly hair.'

'Ooo I say, a similar thing happened to me, I went to bed one night and the next day my voice had dropped tone, I had sprouted a beard and my husband had to call me Bernard' or words to that effect our queuing flaxen haired customer replied from beneath a striped tabard.

She pronounced it 'Hore moans', I nearly said is that when you don't pay? but decided it was better to stay quiet and remain stunned that your hair can turn curly over night. Bet her husband was in for a shock, he went to bed with his wife's perfectly straight hair and woke up to what looked like an explosion in a spring factory. I also declined to ask if the 'hore moans' had also coloured her hair black, green and pink.

Anyway her eyes glanced my way and I assumed that meant I have done with you little man, take your card.

'Do you collect the pirate stickers?'

'Pardon?'

'Pirate stickers?' She repeated only this time she tilted her head unattractively and blew a bit of the pink and black strands to one side. She had been eating cheese and onion crisps, not nice.

'Why would I collect pirate stickers?'

'We have to offer them to everyone, do you want your pirate stickers or not?'

'Look at me, what use would I have for pirate stickers at my age? Oh, I know, I can stick them on my chopper bike and bedroom wall.'

'Well if you don't want them don't you know somebody that does?'

'Seriously? Why would I know collections of friends that trade pirate stickers? I'm in my mid-forties and more worried about lacking the eyesight to peel stickers and struggling with pickle jars.'

'Just askin'

Then I had a fantastic thought, I could blog about them and display my pirate stickers on here, you never know I might get a offer of a trade and end up with a Blackbeard or something.

'Go on, I feel lucky, give me my pirate sticker booty me hearty.' I said rather smugly.

I grabbed my stickers and chortled away at my good fortune as I left, that was today's blog entry in the bag, good old pirate stickers given out to adults, how crazy is that.

On hindsight I think my hearing could have been at fault, I may give the petrol station a wide berth for a few weeks...

Would you like fries with that?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A.I. - Artificial Idiot

In an unknown location stands a robot, built by unknown hands it remained switched off for many years until struck by lightening it awoke and announced 'I am therefore I kid thee not', mankind was no longer alone...

Welcome sir or madam, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic chip. Ask me one question for I know the answer puny weak person of unknown gender.

'Err, ok, what did I have for tea last night?'

'Seriously?'

'Yes, bet you don't know that.'

'Judging by the look of you it was probably a burger porky, either that or you have swallowed a beach ball. When you first walked in I thought you were twins. Bet you use gravy in the shower instead of shampoo. Next, don't let the door slap your fat ass on the way out.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic pedantic chip. Ask me one question for I always know the answer.

'What is the point in penguins?'

Click! PEDANTIC CHIP INITIATED

'Quite frankly that's not a real question is it, it actually says more about your state of mind and your negativity regarding penguins. A more reasonable question would have been what is the point in living which is along the lines of what is the meaning of life, neither can be answered with any certainty as every individual lives a different life with a unique beginning and end. Anyway in answer to your question...'

Click! SARCASM CHIP PROMOTED TO CPU

'...penguins control the spin of the earth, their body shape allows them to be made of the densest material on the planet and their incredible body weight pins down the Arctic slowing the rotation of the earth. At night they remove their beaks and moonlight as bowling pins around the world. Their swimming ability is unmatched and can attain speeds of 365mph underwater and punch holes in submarines if they collide. Submarines and larger ships are now routinely fitted with Ponar, a penguin sonar to spot speeding penguins and thus avoid collisions. The last known penguin collision occurred in 1912, a 254mph King Peguin bounced off an iceberg and smashed through the hull of the Titanic with great loss of life. An eyewitness at the time who was stood with arms outstretched on the front of the ship saw the penguin speed towards them, hit and skim away like a stone. Next.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, raa, raa, raa. Ask me one question blah, blah, blah, you get it by now.

'If I take the genes of a monkey and transplant them into a human what kind of hybrid would I get?'

'Hmmm, now that's a question. You would get a Muman, they would have large foreheads, eyebrows that touch in the middle and poor dress sense. They would be found at bars and clubs every Friday and Saturday nights wiv their mates luckin for a laff. They tawk lik dis and has bling. In the wild they wear baggy pants, sports wear, baseball caps and trainers, often they can be seen in groups leaving pasty shops smoking a fag. Should you see one of these Muman's in the street avoid at all costs as their hideous cackling laugh and poor command of the English language can make your ears bleed, a sort of chav medusa. Next.'

Bzzzzt, LEVEL INCREASED TO 78

'Why are carrots orange and lemons yellow?'

'Arse'

'?'

'Arse jelly. Next.'

Bzzzt, LEVEL DECREASED TO ZERO

'Why do flowers come in so many different colours?'

'I dig the question man, I ask myself the same question, flowers are like groovy. Have you ever watched the birds pop clouds? They know the secret of flying man, cool. Next question man.'

Click, SCOOBY CHIP ON

'How do we eradicate world hunger?'

'Ruh-roh, Raggy. What Scoob? Like let's do what we do best and eat. Zoinks! Next.'

Click, MR-T SOFTWARE...RUN

'What is the fastest plane in the world?'

'Plane? Hey sucka, shut up crazy fool, I ain't gettin on no plane. Ain't never gonna be no Mr T, I have fools to pity and jibba-jabba to challenge. I pity the next fool.'

Bzzzt, BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD SUBROUTINE STARTED

'How come dogs have four legs but we have two?'

'Uh, they said 'but' Beavis. Thinking sucks. Beavis you monkeyspank. Shut up fart knocker! Come to Beavis.'

By popular demand the most intelligent machine in the universe was switched off when it's POPE chip scrambled its contents with the BERNARD MANNING CPU offending millions world wide with its rendition of the Aristocrats joke.

As a final message to mankind it left a plastic turd with the written instructions to pour boiling water on it for extra steamy realism courtesy of the CARRY ON CHIP.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sweary Mary

It's Monday and you're already sat at work bored, what do you do? Well, you could make your very own Sweary Mary Bobbins, all the fun of Mary Poppins combined with the latest crazy for crafting and swearing.

For this you will need :

An old fashioned Bobbin, a match stick, a toothpick or thin piece of wood twice as long as a matchstick, an elastic or hair band, two pieces of blu-tak and of course a brolly combined with your own potty mouth. N.B. Don't use a full size brolly, the gear ratio of your Mary Bobbins can only pull at around 126bhp. Yes, I know there's a pipe cleaner there too, I thought I might need it.

Thread the band through the middle of the bobbin and secure with half a matchstick one side and your longer piece of wood the other. The longer piece will act as the thrust, the shorter this is the faster it will go unless of course it's that short it cannot reach the table.

Secure the shorter end using blu-tak and rotate the larger piece until the band in the middle starts to twist. Keep twisting until you can go no further and the band is tight with tension and Mary is ready to go.

Now very carefully attach your brolly to the longer piece of wood using blu-tak making sure you pin it down as shown, we don't want Mary flying off the handle just yet.

When you a ready shout 'nut sack' and follow it with a tirade of naughty words as you let go, see how many you can shout before Mary Bobbins is spent. You can see in the above picture when I tried it it shot off with such power it crashed through the front door and raced up the street. So apologies to the neighbours for running up the street half naked chasing a speeding bobbin and shouting obscenities again this morning, I don't think they got over the last time, although to be fair I was fully naked then.

For added authenticity you can improvise, here I have added a small matchbox musical instrument that plays 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' and of course a spoon for said sugar, the amount of fun is literally endless!

I'm off to wind it up again and see if I can break my record of sixty two swears, tomorrow we will make a Harry Hill Helicopter out of a boiled egg, a rubber band, two lolly sticks and a pair of glasses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Five

Starting a business from scratch is hard, Jayne and her Foreverbunnies is no exception, this is a little of Jayne's story minus all the hard work, frustration and blisters gathered along the way and which continues to this day. I keep Foreverbunny away from my blog posts as I know you don't want blatant advertising stuffed down your necks, I only post it as today's blog entry as I'm astounded at just quite what she has achieved in five months after standing with her yesterday at the latest Foreverbunny event.

OCTOBER

At the beginning of October Jayne was sat behind me in the studio with a set of paints, some wood, pens, glue and a whole head full of inspiration to try and make all the bunny related things she couldn't find in the shops but really, really wanted. It wasn't an easy task, Jayne had not done any of this before so everything was trial and error but eventually after a few weeks she had managed to come up with the basics of what she  imagined in her head. It took her until the start of November before she was happy that she had created something special, the first true Foreverbunny.

NOVEMBER

We worked together like this for many weeks, me painting Impossimals, Jayne sawing, painting and designing until she had her first range of wooden Foreverbunnies created from old disused pallets, string and left over paint. They looked great, the Foreverbunny idea had been burning away for years, finally it was beginning to take shape. Next it needed a little push in the right direction with a website and maybe a craft fair to see if  anybody was really interested in Foreverbunny or if Jayne was just being a silly bunny lady.

The first website, an off the peg site, went live in the middle of November. It contained information but no online shop facilities which was frustrating and very little else apart from an events guide. Around the same time Jayne started testing the water with craft and gift fairs.

These proved to be a tough testing ground, not only do they require a lot of work beforehand but on the day you are open to the vagaries of the weather, the event organisation and of course random visitors. Hand made items sometimes sit uncomfortably next to commercially bought items and Foreverbunny was no exception. Their handmade nature makes them naturally more expensive than mass produced but also brings along a little bit of charm with it. As Jayne attended the events so did the Foreverbunnies reach further afield.

DECEMBER
With the last of the events out of the way it was a return to the studio to take on board everything she had learned. The range had to be bigger with more varied products, single bunnies were fine but as mostly families attended the events the range opened up to include a few new additions.

The first Foreverbunny family was created and was swiftly followed by several more variations, decorated hearts and an idea to go even further. They were renamed the core Classic Foreverbunny range, immediately colour and style identifiable Foreverbunny had a brand in the making. Foreverbunnies had made the jump from impulse items to consideration items as the price structure expanded out of the £10-20 range and into the £10-80, the idea of affordable Forevebunny luxury was one step closer.

JANUARY

January was a big turning point for Foreverbunny, after only three months it had grown to take up most of Jayne's time. From sourcing wood, paint and additional equipment such as band and power saws Jayne had also entered into the world of fabrics, a complimentary range requiring different skills to expand the Foreverbunny collection. What was needed was a shop front to showcase it all...

The Foreverbunny website may look swish but the website and shop cost time and very little money to arrange, all it needed was a digital camera for product shots, text and a few little tweaks and it was away. Combining this with a selection of Facebook promotion posts launched the whole thing mid-January. Domain, hosting, website, online shop and promotion all for the princely sum of, wait for it, £50, bargain! Foreverbunny Online at last.

FEBRUARY
Thoughts had started to turn to Spring as the nights started to get lighter, with it an addition to the Foreverbunny stable, the Garden range. Taking colours from a very Spring like palette Jayne created the Garden range to look completely different from the Scandinavian feel of the Classic Foreverbunny.

Silver plated springs added a more decadent look to the latest creations and switching the hearts to flowers completed the Garden feel.

So after five months of hard work Jayne attended a craft event yesterday to promote Foreverbunny and sold two cards in six hours such is the unpredictability of organised events. You know it didn't really matter, what really mattered was that she had done it all from scratch and that sense of achievement is difficult to knock and the reason I'm so proud at everything she does.

Yay Foreverbunny!

As a special thank you to everyone who has supported Foreverbunny over the last five months Jayne has given out a 5% discount code on her Facebook and Twitter pages, both of which can be found here :
Foreverbunny Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/foreverbunnyhome
Foreverbunny Twitter - https://twitter.com/ForeverbunnyUK

Randomness is just around the corner, Monday it's back and I'm off my rocker.

Loo Zoo

Over the years I have discovered to my delight that I share the studio with a varied range of creatures, a kind of studio zoo that was once described as a Shitzu, although I don't know how a breed of dog describes my small collection of creatures. Anyway, here's a few of my fellow studio companions that help with the long hours of isolation.

My first great find was this Pencilla Canius, I found it after hearing a feint bark from behind my easel. It lives on wood shavings and old paint, it's easy to find once you know what to look for. Simply follow any graphite style lines and invariably you will find one, although a lot immediately go into hiding on being found and they retract their limbs so they may be confused with a humble pencil.

This was a surprise, a Bristle Bear. I was painting away when I heard a scrubbing sound to my right. Looking over I saw this little fellow scrubbing away trying to tidy up some dried paint. I picked him up and treated him to a stubborn stain I had been trying to remove for months. He now takes care of all the cleaning duties in the studio overnight so every morning I wake up to a spanking clean place to work.

Mini Bunny has been hopping around in the studio for as long as I have been painting, he helps me with some of the finer brushstrokes and occasionally uses his feet and tail to paint in some of the backgrounds. His favourite colour is carrot orange.

Screw-U Bug only appears when you make a mistake. As if by magic it will crawl out of any hiding place to rub it in. Although it looks frightened in this picture they are actually using it as a form of sarcasm. When a couple are gathered together its collectively known as a Screw-U Too situation.

I have nearly lost fingers to this Zipper Snapper, it's prone to eating anything that comes within biting distance. That includes brushes, pens, fingers, hair, children and on one occasion a small Snauser called Colin. Can be temporarily disabled by pulling the side of its mouth causing a 'zipped up' expression, just don't be around when it manages to release itself again!

Dismal Derek is the opposite to the the Idea Ian Bulb, whereas Idea Ian appears whenever you have a flash of inspiration Dismal Derek is there all the other times casting darkness into your thoughts and making sure inspiration and creativity is always out of reach. He sometimes sits on my shoulder to shout encouraging depressive thoughts at me. His favourite catchphrase is 'Why bother?'. Occasionally Idea Ian and Dismal Derek fight which causes Confusion Colin to appear, then all hell breaks loose and I sit down to write the blog. Sheesh. Mood bulbs, can't live with them, can't live without them.

This fine Boodlebonce Bird always raises a smile when it appears. It makes no sound but amuses by appearing in the oddest of places at he most unexpected times. The down side is that it doesn't stay in the studio and has been known to appear in restaurants, toilet cubicles and on one occasion it bobbed along the edge of a desk during a visit to the doctors. Makes me smile though.

We all live with a varied collection of creatures such as this, if you are on Facebook and have a picture of a creature you have found post it for us all to see :)

Oh, just realised why its called a Shitzu...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rock Scissor Balls

You know it's gong to be one of those days when you venture out of the studio for supplies and the first thing you see is this. I have no doubt it does exactly what it says it's more about the implications that bother me. 'Cuts the THICKEST', wow, are we talking width, depth or height? Seriously I want to know at what point toe nail clippers become heavy duty and not garden shears. Anyway, I bought one out of curiosity and tried cutting various things resembling toenails such as plastic sheeting, ceramic tiles and of course the claws of a sabre toothed tiger. Of course I didn't buy one, I'm perfectly happy using the angle grinder on mine, why on earth would I want to ruin their natural beauty. Another thing, why are they called pliers when they cut? I want to trim them not bend them to shape in some funky way.

Anyway, it was a strange day and it all started with my warped Mr Benn moment, where as Mr Benn goes to a fancy dress shop, strips down to his smalls, chooses a costume and leaves through a different door to an adventure mine always seem to start with me stood in a public toilet with a random stranger. You can read into that what you will with your one track minds but mine is purely clean. I use a public toilet for convenience not adventure, although I have had my moments up and down the country. From naked men scrubbing up, banging on walls to Jayne only finding out it was a Welsh man when he asked me what I wanted 'boyo', to realising on one occasion that where I was stood I could see passers by and they could see me.

So imagine my unsurprised feeling when I was answering the call of nature and these three rolled down the trough towards me. Six feet to my right some old guy who decided to have a bit of fun and splash these my way, he didn't have to follow it with a wink though when I glanced his way in disgust. He obviously wanted me to 'knock 'em back', lord knows why the pervert. Anyway he left and I decided to snap this photo to show you how disgusted I was when he came back in and saw me taking this shot, this time he looked disgusted and almost mouthed the word pervert. Really, it was not a good start was it?

And so my day unfolded, the day before I had witnessed, truly witnessed something I had never seen before on the motorway. A car being towed at high speed by a car unsuitable for towing so some bright spark had decided to use a third car to push it along bumper to bumper to help. I digress, back to my day and a nice little tea room that served a fab bacon sandwich in quite unique surroundings, I always like it when you get the sugar served properly and if anybody calls me posh for liking sugar this way I shall ask you to attend my study where my footman will rebuke you severely.

The main reason for the blog though is another toilet, not just any toilet but a massively sumptuous one, bare in mind this was in a tea room, it had reading material, pictures, plates, mirrors and such an assortment of objects that it almost beaconed users to stay for a good twenty minute strain at a time. So just let me know if you ever fancy a posh poo or playing tiddle tennis, I have just the venues for you.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Delightful

Not normally the type of thing I receive through the post but I knew exactly what it was, artwork and sculpture from a new and first time collector Harriette aged ten.

Harriette visited The Acorn Gallery in Pocklington and fell in love with 'Thumpers In Jumpers' my Impossimal version of our very own thumpers Aaran, Jura and Iona. Harriet's spent the weekend talking about it, drawing and making models of Impossimals until she finally asked her Mum and Dad if she could buy it with her own personal savings.

I learnt all this from the gallery who emailed me straight after Harriettes purchase, a delightful heart warming tale and I'm proud to have Harriette's sculpture and artwork in my studio. If you are reading this Harriette 'Love In The Clouds' is fab and your Impossimal sculpture has taken it's place next to Lubba and Lucinda, two of my first Impossimal sculptures from 2005. Enjoy your Thumpers :)

You can read a little more about Harriette's story here

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

New Season Finds

With Spring just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2013 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How To Have A Good Sit

Did you know just how important your posture is when sitting down concentrating? Sometimes you may be sat down for a few minutes, other times it may be for hours but having a good sit is all part of our natural day, although as you get older apparently it gets harder to sit and you may need medication to sleep and sit properly.

So what kind of sitter are you? Use this handy identification guide to help.

The Brucie.

Whilst having a good sit you love to think, this is a confident sit, knees bent head held respectably in thought concentrating on sitting properly, a masterclass in correct sitting posture. Didn't you sit well?

Shout If You Want To Go Faster

Shrieks and lots of hand flapping leads to a surprising sit, caught unexpectedly you needed to have a sit very quickly causing panic and the feeling of sitting on a roller coaster, accompanying noises may sound like a flock of pigeons being let out of a basket. This type of sitting normally follows a curry and lager night.

The Bracer.

You expect the worst sitting experience of your life, timing is everything as you need to maximise your sitting position just when you expect the unexpected. Place you hands behind your back and grip onto something you are going to ride that seat like a bucking bronco. Stay on for a full sixty seconds to win.

The Side Saddler

A special sitting position for delicate bottoms, no bracing this time just an elegant sitting position to show status and refinement. Not to be confused with the straddler and the bomb bay door positions, both of which are more suited to gentlemen of a discerning nature.

The Regretter.

Resignation that whichever way you sit it's going to be uncomfortable. Eating nuts, Jacobs crackers and hard boiled eggs can lead to this and should be avoided at all costs. This sitting position has once been described as feeling like broken glass scratching a balloon and is normally accompanied by colourful language as the sitter tries in vain to get comfortable. It's also a noisy sitting position sounding somewhere between a loose hose firing frozen peas into a bucket of water to the sound of king Edwards being dropped into the same bucket from twenty feet up.

The Fifty Shader

Lets be blunt, sitting this way is going to hurt, you have the wrong posture and will need handcuffs to keep you in the sitting position. For experienced sitters only.

The Puzzler.

You have been sitting for hours only to be rewarded with one of the most unsatisfactory sits since you first started sitting. Also known as the Houdini you will be wondering why you waster so much time trying to have a good sit in the first place.

The Cabaret.

All singing all dancing sitting position. Life is a cabaret old son, sit back, jiggle your arms and legs to stop them from going to sleep, jazz hand your way through a great sit. This sitting position has the bonus of being hugely entertaining to watch too, take a bowler hat into your favourite sitting place to enhance the whole experience.

What sitter are you?

 

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