The Little Shop Of Forgotten

'Stumble down a forgotten alley in a forgotten town close to where you live and you may, just may stumble upon a most unusual place. From the outside it looks like it has been frozen in time with its quaint old square windows and occasional bullseye glass to its dusty ageing shelves showing a varied amount of unusual objects skillfully displayed with years of experience to entice you inside. Everything seems strangely familiar, almost comforting as you stand looking through the slightly blurry windows. Your thoughts return back to your childhood; holiday time, Christmas time, birthdays, days away, everything you ever treasured from your past whispers back and you find yourself starting to form a little tear in one eye.

A little cough clears your throat and pushes back the tear. 'I'm an adult. Stop it.' You say to yourself as you pinch yourself for being so sentimental. Even though, you still feel compelled to enter.

The door opens to a different time, it's still a shop but it's sights, sounds and smells are all somehow part of you. As your eyes adjust to the darkened room your wonderment increases. From the corner of your eye you spot a favourite toy, then another and another. Your heart races with excitement as you move from shelf to shelf, display to display each with a cherished object, toy or ornament from your past. How could this be? Even the smell of the shop reminds you of home, of family, your childhood bedroom, first candy floss, comforting your way around your journey of discovery.

Just then a cough from behind a small dusty counter you hadn't even noticed draws your attention.

The flare of a long taper lights up the face of the shopkeeper as he reaches over to light a rather large and much used candle in a brass candlestick. Dressed in a dark red smoking jacket and wearing a rather amusing nightcap with a small golden tassel he fits perfectly in the gloom of the shop as if he had always been here. A kindly face peers out from underneath, not a face you see everyday, not the chiselled hard nosed type that exist in the city but more of a rounded cherub look etched with years of experience and kindness.

'May I help you?' Croaks the shopkeeper.

'Err, I'm not sure.' You reply not exactly sure why you entered in the first place.

'Not sure of what you may find or not sure what you have lost?' Replied the shopkeeper pulling out a long clay pipe and lighting it from the candle. A plume of coloured smoke swirls around his face as he speaks and for an instant you swear you see your younger self appear in the smoke.

Distracted you reply. 'Lost? I'm awfully sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop.' You turn to the door but it is no longer there, smoke swirls around your face and you start to feel dizzy 'The door, where is it?'

'What door?' Comes the reply from the gloom, the shopkeeper is nowhere to be seen.

'Is this it?' Says the shopkeeper suddenly appearing in front of you with a small unusual shaped snow globe.

'No, don't be silly, that's not a door.'

'Oh, but it is... Look closer!'

You look at the snow globe but see nothing apart from a small figure stood alone that looks strangely like you. It cannot be, how could it be?

'I believe you lost this many years ago, here, take it, hold it...' He hands you the small snowglobe, as you take it the globe starts to glow and you begin to see you are not standing alone.

The first thing you notice is a stuffed toy that comforted you, then you see a small wooden rocking horse and a red ball as more and more appear then laughter starts to fill the room and your thoughts drift into the snowglobe. With each memory a new item appears inside and your emotions become more powerful. With eyes filling up you realise that this is no accident, the shop, this globe and everything inside has been calling to you through all the years but you have never known where to look. You have found your childhood.

The shop suddenly becomes brighter, the swirling smoke lifts and through tear strewn eyes you look afresh at your surroundings. The shelves are full of snow globes, each one full of little figures surrounded by an assortment of objects, all are glowing, all are looking for their owners.'

The Little Shop Of Forgotten, (Draft of story for Revelations T.B,C)

Imagine such a shop exists, a shop that has been holding on to your childhood waiting for you to return. Once you find it again I know you will never let it go.

In 2015 I will be building such a shop, the interior will be created as a small set and a painting produced from the model including its curious little shopkeeper but that is only the start. What if the shop contained your childhood in amongst the toys, objects and ephemera of the shelves?

This year you will have a chance to reclaim your own childhood. How will that be done? Well you will have to wait and see...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Your 2015 Revealed

I see the future.

My predictions specially tailored for you are as follows.

January

The year will start quietly when an undetected meteor smashes into your home completely destroying your collection of gonks and several smurfs. Further meteors smash into the small town of Mansfield causing widespread improvements.

February

After a warm winter the sudden snowfall takes you by surprise and you open your door to thirty foot of snow, it's only after several hours digging that you break through into the outside world to find that in reality only a 1inch covering had fell and the neighbours had collectivel tried to block you in.

March

You decide to treat yourself to a visit to a stately home. Half way round you accidentally break wind rather loudly and are embarrassed when a servant steps forward and says 'I can hear you Sir, keep shouting and we will find you!' Whilst another visitor adds 'I'm sure I can hear elephants.'

April

Prices tumble in the supermarkets and petrol dips to 99p per litre, bank interest rates rise on savings but remain at nearly zero on borrowing. You wake up and realise it was all a dream and the £10 you borrowed from Wonga has now accumulated interest to the value of £16,253.24 a fact that is bought to your attention when two burly men with sledgehammers appear at your door asking for your kneecaps.

May

Barely able to walk out of hospital you are delighted to find out you have won the lottery. Unfortunately it was a lottery you never entered and after lengthy negotiations with a Nigerian prince to claim your lottery prize you fear he may not be legit either. Not to worry you still have plenty of singles in your area throwing themselves at you according to your emails. After replying and meeting 'Derek' a six foot builder who wears wigs and lipstick you wonder if they were legit too.

June

You go on holiday to a far off sunny place and by far off I mean Skegness and by sunny I mean only on Tuesday's around 3pm for two minutes. You take advantage of the pleasure beach and ride the Wild Mouse roller coaster. Unfortunately halfway round the person sat next to you shows you a handful of nuts and bolts and asks you 'Are these important?' As you fly through the air over the pirate themed crazy golf course you notice that 99's are now £2.50 each and have small flakes before crashing through the front of a teddy grabber machine. A passing tourist pops in 10p and immediately wins you. By the end of June you find yourself sat amongst a hundred other teddy bears on a bed.

July

Time for a new job so you apply for Creative Food Consultant with people skills, looking for a change of career you apply and get the job! Congratulations! Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that? Dismayed you apply for Senior Management Controller in charge of hiring and firing. You get it, Congratulations! You read the description again and realise you misread hiring and firing, it's actually wrapping and frying. Welcome to McDonalds, would you like fries with that?

August

You look for love and place a lonely hearts message in the newspaper. Yay! You get a reply and go to meet you date at the local restaurant. They don't turn up so you read the letter again and weep quietly when you realise you actually answered your own lonely hearts thinking it was too good to be true there was somebody else like you out there.

September

You buy all your Christmas presents early because the supermarkets told you.

October

An uneventful month although you do get many enquiries on to where you got your unique and hideous Halloween mask from. You don't own a mask.

November

Bonfire night! Such sparkles, bangs, bright lights, you see them all as you tumble accidentally down stairs. In a daze you wander into the bathroom to relieve yourself and struggle to sit on the toilet correctly as it seems rather high and uncomfortable, the toilet roll too seems rather large, bewildered and confused you return to bed. The next morning you find scrunched up kitchen roll strewn around the kitchen and some foul smelling liquid in the sink and all over last nights pots. In the garden you find an unexplored Bangboom Rocket Mk III wedged in the grass, as you approach it the first thing that enters your head is your backside as it unexpectedly explodes turning you inside out in the process. Dazed and confused you stagger back indoors and splash water over your face from the sink. You are immediately sick.

December

It's Christmas! You are reminded of this every ten seconds by various renditions of Christmas classics. Weeping uncontrollably at the latest supermarket adverts you buy handfuls of chocolate treats and retire to a darken room with just the television for comfort. Christmas comes and goes and a quick tally of what you have consumed is equal to the consumption of a small country. Your bathroom scales will not accept 'coach parties' and you have to be weighed at a public weighbridge. New Year's Eve you make several rash resolutions the worst being that you will stick to all your resolutions or at least make them stick until January 2nd.

Will 2016 be any different for you? Tune back in next January to Eric Accordians 'Your Year' 2016, it's all true and anybody that thinks differently can complain by writing to Padded Cell 264, Madmystics, Abra, Cadabra.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Teapot

 On my latest painting there is an awful lot of metal work to include. Metal is always tricky to get right so I tend to break it down a little to make it easier. First I get the metal I am going to paint and mix the colour accordingly until I can paint the object and the brush strokes disappear, particularly useful for this is old coins as I have lined up above.

 Once I have the basic colour then I can block in the rough shape, in this case a small teapot lamp that is only 2cm square, not much on a painting that is 48''x28'' but it still gets plenty of work.  The shadow is added too at this stage and as it bends around the corner its a two tone shadow.

 Once roughed in small highlights are added, not much but just enough for me to have enough information for adding the internal light.

 Things are much brighter now and I can brighten up the surrounding area accordingly but it still lacks the metal definition.

So more reflections are added, this time using a very fine brush loaded with white but with a small point allowed to hang from it. This is then carefully dragged in the right areas to give thin lines of reflection. That's the basics anyway, this will now be allowed to dry and then I will start the glazing, in other words thin layers of oil paint that will increase depth and complexity, its only then this will start looking like real bronze.

Well thats 2cm nearly done, only 8660cm to do!

It's All Scone Wrong!

It was the spur of the moment thing to get in the car and drive to a small town we had not visited in a while. Nothing special just a get out of the studio type of day; we didn't even mind that it was raining a little and we found a carparking space with ease adding to the relaxed atmosphere of the day.

We stepped out of the car and the heavens opened. I mean really opened making us both dash for the two umbrellas stowed in the boot. 'Typical, bloody typical' I said to Jayne, 'It'll clear up in a bit, come on we haven't been here for a while.' She replied.

Off we both trudged sloshing through the puddles. In a funny kind of way it was quite nice, the lights danced in the puddles, grey clouds honed in to darken the skies and it had that typically british feel about it. All the shops were warm making the dash between them quite fun, most had after Christmas bargains in them making shopping more of a discovery. A bauble here, a long metal slightly odd reindeer there and soon our shopping bags were filling up.

'Let's have a coffee and a scone' said Jayne and I agreed enthusiastically. We had passed quite a few coffee shops on the way, many looking rather inviting but there was one in particular that looked welcoming from the outside. Homely, warm and full of smiling people with pretty lights and promises of lashings of coffee and cake inside through delightful steamed up windows. We snaked our way back to the coffee shop, yes, it did look rather splendid compared to other establishments so eagerly we went in shaking our brollies as we entered. A quick look around and it was all rather full, full that is apart from a small table at the back corner. Ideal, it was away from the draught of the door and indeed away from the main run of the place so we could have our coffee and cake in peace.

We pulled out our chairs and somebody appeared to take our order. 'Ready yet?' She said chirpily. 'Err, not quite, can I just take my coat off and sit down please?'. 'Not ready? Do you want a drink?' She replied ignoring the fact that I was wrestling with the brolly and stumbling around as I found that when I lent on the table it rocked severely because the toilet roll tube wedged under one foot had come loose. That dear reader should have been a warning sign to turn tail and walk out of the establishment.

'Would you mind popping back in a minute or so please after we have had a look at the menu?'

'Oh, ok, no problem!' And with that she disappeared for a few minutes.

'Ahh, you're back!, could we have two Americanos with skimmed milk and two scones please?'

'A-M-E-RICA-NO-S, two and we have no scones, they have all gone.'

'Oh, ok, well we will have two tea cakes then with lashings of fresh butter please!'

'We have just sold the last tea cakes I'm afraid, we do have butter though.'

'They have sold out quickly, it's only 10:45am, do you normally sell out this quickly?'

'There's been a rush on.' She replied flatly, I was obviously stepping onto scone, tea cake territory that one mustn't speak of.

'Toast?' I said tentatively.

'We have toast.'

'I'll have two toasts one brown, one white please!'

'We only have white.'

By now the menu was looking rather restrictive but hey ho, white it is and away she went to get our meagre grub and coffee. Just then a table across from us with two children started pointing at us and looking concerned. I turned to Jayne puzzled and shrugged. Jayne looked over our shoulder expecting to see something worrying, instead she saw something far worse. We had just placed an order from a table in a 'paint your own pot' shop. Behind us was a massive rack of blank pottery of which children would have to squeeze by use to reach and squeeze by they did, one after another. Family after family poured in through the door to be seated around us for some silly pot-fest and groups of people clambered over us to pull out pots, Dolphins, mugs, bears and other assorted items, it was awful and neither could we move easily. All the tables had been strategically arranged to create a chair maze that allowed access to the paints and pots but not to the exit or the tills. Not a hint of this existed outside, it wasn't as if the place was called 'Pot Crazy' or 'Pot-a-Lot' it's name was quite normal giving no hint of the horrors inside, in fact it gave all the impression of an interior design shop.

So out of all the coffee shops we had passed, all the swish places we could have stopped we had chosen badly.

The gabble of pot carrying children and families increased whilst we waited for our toast. Then in burst a mother with her child and another lady that looked far too old to paint a pot that proceeded to speak at a volume just under ear bleeding levels. We knew she was loud because we quite clearly heard her order a scone and tea cake and get both before grabbing a small vase and proclaim to the whole room that she was going to paint a ladybird and required red paint. Well, that takes the biscuit! In disgust I nearly overturned the table and snatched assorted pots out of kiddies hands to dash on the floor in a fit of pique. Watching her trough into a scone AND a tea cake that we had been flatly told had sold out was too much and I purposely angled my chair to thwart her reaching the black paint for ladybird spots.

Unfortunately that involved her asking me to move leading to a small shower of scone crumbs and spittle as she clambered behind me pushing the top of my chair into my larynx with her large breasts. The coffee and toast arrived but I was unable to speak after the crushing action on my throat. Needless to say we soon finished and left. I walked outside and looked back in, she had left half a scone the wretch. It was about then an old lady with an oversized golfing umbrella who had been looking in the window to my side turned around and hit me full on in the temple with her brolly spokes and to finish the tableaux a passing car splashed me with water as it passed.

Hmm, that was the start of my 2015, think I'll stay in bed until Spring!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Auntie Skippy

Dear Skippy,

My husband and I have been married for ten years but he still refuses to eat any meal I cook for him. I have tried everything from trifle and chips to his supposed favourite barbecued cabbage. All he seems to want to eat is odd food like pizza or spaghetti bolognaise, can you help?

Mrs E.Normous, Gwent

Skippy says, ttk,ttk-ttk,ttk ttk ttk ttk,ttk,ttk,ttk ttk t. (Help, I'm trapped down a well in Woolgonga!)

Dear Skippy,

Last night I looked through my wife's underwear drawer and found that I rather liked it, so much so that I started to wear her stockings and suspenders and strutted around the room in her high heels. Does this mean I'm a vegetarian?

Mr T.Rendy, Wick

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,ttk,ttttttttkkkktktktktktkttktk,ttk,ttk-ttk-ttk,tut. (Help, we are down to our last case of lager, bring supplies!)

Dear Skippy,

I write a blog most days about random things, does this mean that I am incredibly interesting or is it just all for attention?

I.Possimal, Arse-end

Skippy says, ttk. (Tosser)

Dear Skippy,

I find that when I listen to Polka music I have an unnatural urge to say the word 'plunge', likewise when I hear the foxtrot I feel the need to shout 'futtock'. Country and western music however causes me to place a cushion between my legs and gallop around the room, the question is should I buy a dog?

T.Ing-a-ling, Crotchet

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,ttk ttk,ttk,ttk,ttk,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk. (Help! I'm stuck in the bush with nothing but a plastic banana, two spoons and a large antelope after riding a gnarly wave from Bondage Beach on my bonza surfboard. I'm also rather worried about Derek, he was riding the wave on a pedalo and the last I saw of him was when he sailed through the sky peddling like mad shouting 'ripper dude!', he crashed shortly after in a pile of plastic and pedals.'

Dear Skippy,

I'm trapped in a hole with two rampant koalas just outside Mwoolagong, send help!

R.Sole, Bottom Bay

Skippy says, ttk,ttk,tktktktktktt,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk,ttttktktktktktktktyttktktkykktkk,ttk. (Tough titties!)

Tomorrow Rod Hull and Emus etiquette guide in a special pull out edition!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

What A Waste Of Time

GOGGLEBLOG - E-Mails from our Readers

What a con these so called oven gloves are, I filled mine with cake mix and it didn't even cook it. Waste of money if you ask me.

P.Diddle, Halifax

Does anybody else go to the toilet at work? I do and find it so rewarding that I get paid to wee.

C.Drumstick, Dundee

Kids say the funniest things, only yesterday my son said 'I wonder if bananas can sing?' which was odd as he is a 42 years old bank manager.

Mildred Pilchard, Hull

I should think shoes should come with some kind of health warning, only yesterday I was wearing mine and walked into a lampost, surely it's only a matter of time before some shoe wearing individual comes a cropper!

R.Sole, Chappelhatpegs

I have dropped two bells and a cherry with three nudges left to win £2, can anybody recommend which reels to nudge?

B.Andit. Jackpot

Second reel twice, third once.

W.Inner, Pennyslot

I went downstairs over Christmas and met my 'family', they seem like nice people.

I.Pad, Appleton

This years sales are really disappointing, especially the one at Poundland, I for one will be shopping elsewhere in the future!

T.Hurrupenny, Bits

I went to Iceland this year for all my festive food as recommended on the television, imagine my surprise when all I found was several penguins and lots of snow and my bus trip cost me over £10,000. I for one will never shop there again, I'm sticking to the high street!

G.Raffe, Twycross

Is it just me or does this milk taste off today?

B.Itty, Twine

The best things in life are free so they say but I can't help feeling bitterly disappointed with my free air in my bag of crisps. Anybody else been disappointed by these 'free' gifts?

C.Rap, Monstermunch

I too have been disappointed by 'free' things, only yesterday I trod in some free 'dog eggs' and was not amused in the slightest, in fact I was so unamused I posted my soiled shoes through the nearest dog owners letterbox.

T.Urd, Wonkydonkey

Why has the blog been quiet over the last five days? I normally use it to cheer myself up after a night of heavy drinking.

T.Twizzler, Norfolk

Well, T.Twizzler have no fear, the blog is back from today with its usual waste of time and excessive drivel, enjoy!

Santa L Jackson

My name is Santa and I'm a lucky bugger. Who else gets 364 days a year holiday and is able to eat and drink copious amounts without looking like a house or spending months in rehab. Yes, I am the luckiest person in the world or am I?

...for a start what about all those bloody elves with their pointy hat and shoes talking in a ridiculously high pitched whine, it gets on my nerves pretty quickly I can tell you and I'm so close to taking their shiny little wooden hammers by January and shoving them so far up their **CENSORED** until they squeal.

Letters, I get absolutely tonnes of them all asking for something or other. Can I have this, can I have that, I've been good, rah, rah, rah. Once you have read one you have read them all so to make things interesting every year I always add something crap to their list just so I can see the disappointment on Christmas Day when amongst all the presents they open a pair of slippers or socks instead of that latest gadget. Little beggars.

Don't even get me started on the reindeers, bloody Rudolph acting like a diva just because he has a song written about him. Red nose my arse, it's all the booze he knocks away all year. On Christmas Eve it's hard enough to get him to stand never mind light the way. The other reindeers hate him, they still call him names but Rudolph just tells them to 'kiss my nose', only last year he was that smashed that he ploughed into several rooftops and chimney stacks, my sleigh insurance has gone through the roof!

Impersonators get on my tits too, dressing up in red with a crap beard pretending to be jolly in shopping centres. I have never been jolly in my whole life, what is there to be jolly about, nobody buys me presents every year. What about the mince pies and sherry I hear you say, well I'm bloody sick of them, anybody would be after eating your 25,256,267,384 one. Even the reindeers refuse to help after last year when we were all lavishly sick as we flew over Mansfield, luckily no one noticed.

Grottos. They are not magical, they suck. For a start they are draughty, bad places to fit furniture and too damn festive. Give me a bungalow anyday. If anyone as much as waves a candy cane infront of me after the 25th I swear I will beat them to death with the sticky end.

So this year I'm trying something different, instead of Jolly Fat Boy Santa this year you are getting Santa L Jackson.

Does he look like a bitch? Damn right I do you mother flickers and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to mince pie and sherry my brothers. And you will know my name is the Santa when I lay my vengeance upon thee! Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these mother flicking reindeer pulling this mother flicking sleigh!

Pass me my sack, it's the one with mean mother flicker on it. You know me. It’s my duty to please that booty.

Santa L Jackson, you'll know I've visited because I'll leave you with a sack full of mother flickers and put the ho back in yo ho.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fawning Frumbler

If any of you are thinking of visiting The Mystical Bongo Bizarre market today in search for some last minute Christmas presents you are in for a treat, not only do the have the invisible hats back in stock but also we see a return of the wishing gum, chewing gum that grants you three wishes, how cool is that!

Here are some of the other amazing things on offer to fill your stocking this Christmas.

Get the latest in kitchen equipment with Finger Master (tm) the only finger grill in the world. Roasts chicken in seconds with a quick flick, snap your fingers to flambé, use two fingers to toast and a whole fist to barbecue, the choice is yours. One size fits all, optional flame guard and full fire proof suit available to avoid accidental infernos and troublesome flash fires. NB not for use indoors unless the room is decorated in fire retardant ceramic tiles and can withstand heat up to 1000 degrees. Stand well back when grilling, recommended distance is forty feet.

We now offer a rocket skate powered wheelbarrow delivery service on all our coal purchases. Why just put one piece of coal in a stocking when you can fill it to the brim? Imagine their little faces when they realise you have given them the gift of an open fire for Christmas the ungrateful little mares. When I was young I dreamed of owning a piece of coal, instead I got nuts, not this hokey rubbish like X-Bocks and Plystations. Give them a traditional Christmas, give em coal.

With the postal service being so expensive why not try our Festive Gift Cannon. For only £1 we will deliver any parcel of any size anywhere in the UK using our patented launch system. Impress friends when their festive parcel arrives speedily at 287mph through the lounge window and is safely caught in the remains of the Christmas tree that softened its landing. We have successfully launched everything from simple stuffed toys to goats filled with helium, although admittedly the goats are still in orbit most things arrive in one piece or pieces. One of our most popular services this time of year is to launch unwanted family members into the sea, along with inappropriate presents and gifts.

Meet Slapper(tm) our robotic marvel that is programmed to slap anyone with anything! It's a miracle of slapping technology and will happily slap away until his batteries discharge. Comes with mains adapter for twenty four hour slapathons. Special Slapper attachments include padles, bats, cushions and even a two foot rubber banana called the dominator. Treat someone to a slap this Christmas, you know you want to!

Be the proud owner of a real trouser snake with our Python Pants(tm) imagine the look on their faces when you reach down the front of your trousers and pull out a monster! Comes in a variety of sizes and colours, simply pick the one you like an choose your snake size. From Adders to Anacondas we have a snake to suit all with our guarantee that our Python Pants will keep you warm and others jealous with envy as you wriggle down the street.

Don't forget that today is the last day of the Bongo Bizarre and it will disappear in a poof of smoke sometime around 4:56pm. Have a great Christmas and don't forget today's magic words are 'Fawning Frumbler', use them twice in a conversation today for a special extra 10% off a Finger Master.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How Old Are You?

The new gameshow 'How Old Are You?' leaps from its prime slot on national television to become a feature on today's blog. For those of you that have never seen this incredibly popular and entertaining television show enjoyed by millions it aims to help contestants that have forgotten how old they are rediscover their age, accurate to within ten years, probably.

So without further ado, let me introduce your host for today Reg Todgers and his hilarious sidekick Busty Din fresh from his other hit show 3,2,1 I'm Going To Hurl.

'Hi, my name is Reg Todgers and what a show we have lined up for you folks so settle back in your high chair, arm chair or commode and get ready to play 'How Old Are You?

(Applause)

'As always we start with our catchphrase 'How Old Are YOU?'

Audience - 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

(Applause and laughter)

'Here we go, remember your starting age is zero, each question you answer will add a number to your age, add them all together to get your real age. Question one'

'You are in the library and you see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' filed under the romance section, do you...

A) Remove the filth and place it in the bin where it belongs
B) Pick it up and let it naturally flop open hoping to find the dirtiest page
C) Move it to the children's section
D) Snot

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question two, visual question'

'Does this make you...'

A) Sob uncontrollably at the state of society and write an angry letter to your MP that wooden letters have been placed near crayons and transfers.
B) Laugh uncontrollably until you are sick and take a photo of it.
C) Post it on your blog as part of a desperate effort to entertain.
D) Fart.

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question three, choose the correct words to fit both blanks...'

'I would like to _____ your _____ said Bert as he started stripping down to his thong and tightening his ball gag.'

A) fumble, frumpit
B) curdle, milk
C) wallpaper, wall
D) burp, name

Add this to your age A)5 B)4 C)20 D)1

'Question four, what is it?'

A) At my age I expect to be able to relieve my bladder every thirty minutes, this is most inconvenient and I will be reporting it to the manager.B) Captains log star date XXXLC) The work of a genius and the result of an awesome party.D) Poo

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)5 D)1 


'Final question folks, We have skilfully hidden a message in this picture, see how long it takes you to find it...'

A) Less than a second
B) Over thirty seconds but less than a minute although I did find STAR and BA
C) I'm absolutely disgusted with this, I will be writing a letter to my MP
D) Plop

Add this to your age A)5 B)10 C)50 D)1

'That's it folks, add up your scores and you should finally have your real age, write it down it may be useful later in job interviews or when trying to buy alcohol. How Old Are You?'

(Applause) 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

Age Chart

You scored less than ten - Well done, you are a real toddler and the life and soul of any party providing it involves jelly and ice cream.

Between ten and forty - Well done, you are rapidly approaching the age where bits flop or drop off, get out the nasal trimmer and get ready, it's grim but you are the life and soul of those 'special' parties we know you go to.

Between forty and forty two - Enjoy your mid life crisis. Buy a fast car and pretend you are twenty, when you eventually come out the other end enjoy the downhill ride that's coming.

Forty three to seventy - Gradually start to moan about the good old days and how things were better in your day, write a blog if it helps to avoid you thinking about the bits that are stiff, don't work or are generally not as flexible as before. Start drinking heavily if it helps to block it all out and avoid using computers as you are not really very good at it because in your day you used pen and paper. Watch the news everyday to increase your depression and check the obituaries every week to see if any of your friends are in it.

Seventy to two hundred - It's all too late now to do anything about it so feel free to speak your mind anytime and be politically incorrect. It's also the time that you realise the best things in life aren't things at all so leave them with a cliff hanger and make your last words be 'Knock, knock' or 'Wow, so that's what it's all about'

If you are reading this on Facebook feel free to post your scores below :)

Michelin Standard

Yesterdays cryptic blog entry was to buy a bit of time whilst we visited the Michelin starred restaurant The Pipe & Glass to put together an event that has been in the planning for quite a while. In conjunction with the Artmarket gallery in 2015 we are about to host a fantastic event for the Lost Impossimals, a night of fine dining, a unique menu and the launch of a special Lost Impossimal revealing the story, history and secrets of top chef James Mackenzie and the Pipe & Glass.

 The event will be held in May of 2015 and is restricted to limited numbers, a specially designed Lost Impossimal menu created by James will accompany fantastical stories and imagery as we journey through Twistory, an alternative history from a delightful world beyond imagination leading to the first unveiling of a specially commissioned Lost Impossimal on the night.

 The food of course will be first class Michelin starred as befitting of a six times Michelin awarded venue and limited accommodation is available on a first come first served basis.

Reservations at the Pipe & Glass are full for months in advance and this event is expected to sell out in record time so to be in with a chance of securing your ticket, special edition brochure and numerous other selected items on the night or if you have any questions please contact the Artmarket Gallery in Cottingham who is organising such a fabulous event on 01482 876 003 or email them directly at GALLERY@ARTMARKET.CO.UK

It's going to be fab!

The Perfect Christmas

I'm Santa and this is your guide to a festive frugal time this Christmas with some excellent designer ideas from a world famous bloke that's done a bit of decorating on television.

One simple way to make sure all your guests feel festive as they spend long hours on the porcelain throne after dinner is to jinglefy your cushion comfort rolls with the addition of a christmassy holly motif easily applied using a biro or crayon. For additional points keep a box of after eight mints in easy reach, not only will the minty taste help digest Christmas dinner but the resulting minty breath will also dispel most odours.

Carve potatoes with the initials of your guests beforehand and sprinkle with black pepper for a swish display of your culinary skills. NB This is not advisable if mashing potatoes, Inonce did that for guests called Robert, Caroline, Anthony and Paul, the resulting mash spelled out 'crap' on their plates, at least that's what I think they were on about when they mentioned that the potatoes were crap.

Cheese is always popular so make it more special by wrapping it in sparkly silver foil and add a sprig of holly as a flourish. Store in a warm room two weeks before hand to allow it to 'mature' before gifting it.

Got a heavy drinker in the family that costs oodles to keep supplied at Christmas? Fool them into drinking lemonade by decorating brightly and serving with a pint glass. If they still have the ability to see straight and read then simply write the word VODKA above the lemonade on the label for a new exciting drink 'Lemonade Vodka'. Make sure to place roller skates under the television and keep moving it around the room to create a vodka induced unsteady vision fooling your alcoholic guest.

Bin bags as presents can be so passé, make them special again by wrapping in ribbon before placing under the Christmas tree.

It's always a problem wrapping certain presents like toilet brushes, instead disguise them using items from the Christmas tree. A fairy makes an ideal toilet brush 'topper' and is ideal to keep out all year as an attractive display item for your guests. Crocheted toilet mats are a must to match and you can even add fluffy toilet seats to further enhance the luxury.

Decorations can be expensive so use freezer bag clips on ribbon for a useful festive display. Should space become tight in the kitchen simply 'peg' items to the display further enhancing it's attractiveness.

No table would be complete without a nativity display to wow your guests. Forget expensive ones from the shop just use all your leftovers creatively to give you a nostalgic glimpse into the true meaning of Christmas. Mushrooms make ideal kings whilst potatoes double up for Jospeh and Mary, feel free to add paper napkin hoods. Donkeys are best made from onions and a carrot manger completes the look.

One for the kids; turn any normal reindeer into the ever important Rudolph with the inclusion of a cherry tomato nose attached with Sellotape. Simple!

We hope these tips have been useful, don't forget to send me pictures of your cost cutting designer additions to your house!

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Humbuggery

Scrooge was on to a good thing, don't let the jollity of the season spoil your Christmas being miserly and rude, simply follow our several step guide to holding on to all those hard earned pennies this season and maintaining that grumpy demeanor.

Never ever throw away your candles, even when they have burnt down to the absolute bottom they can still give a few seconds of light and heat out for Bob Cratchit to stay another few hours on Christmas Eve.

Be awkward, the more awkward you are in general the more people will leave you alone to count your money this year. Gatherings of friends and family promotes happiness, stamp on this by provoking arguments although come Christmas Day tea time they should pretty much have started themselves.

Ask to take away any fat left over from the goose or turkey from any unpleasant gathering you are invited to. Burnt coal dipped in fat has a new lease of life and will warm your room and provide a pleasant cooking smell to boot.

Keep several chamber pots full to the brim with effluent, should a gaggle of carol singers turn up unexpectedly simply tip the contents from the first floor window onto their cheery heads. Don't forget to shout first so they look up open mouthed.

If by chance you get three ghosts appear on Christmas Eve who want to show you the past, present and future just ignore them, they only want to fill you with regret and remorse. Instead make Bob Cratchit work through the night of Christmas Eve until dawn that way you avoid any spirit intervention.

Say no to mistletoe. It cold and flu season so slap anyone who comes near you and chastise them to keep all their sniffles to themselves. And it's poisoness.

Tell any child you encounter that Santa is not real and lecture them on the evils of believing in anything other than the pursuit of wealth at the expense of others.

When counting pennies it is advisable to stack them in columns of ten, that way when transferring them to your safety deposit boxes you can easily see if any fall short or have been pilfered by that scheming Bob Cratchit. If you notice a discrepancy remind him of what you did to Tiny Tim by placing a crutch and a small cap next to his desk.

Remind people that everytime a bell rings a fairy loses it's wings.

If on Christmas morning you awake to a fresh coating of snow outside and you look out of the window to see a young scamp walking along, remember that big prize turkey in the butchers shop and fling open your window wide. Shout down to the young scamp and say 'Boy! I said boy! Does the butcher still have any turkeys left in his window?' When our young scamp replies 'Why yes sir!' simply add 'Well tell him not to buy so many next time, it's a terrible waste' and slam the window shut.

Remember to include the words 'Bah Humbug!' In most sentences although avoid using this in sweet shops as you may inadvertantly spend a penny buying boiled sweets.

Reminisce about how succulent Tiny Tim was once he had been basted and roasted.

Avoid using any door knockers shaped like a face and eating bread and cheese before bedtime.

Sack Bob Cratchit on Christmas Eve and reinstate him on a zero hour contract at lower pay providing he works Christmas Day.

Bah Humbug!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Are You Huff Enuff?

I am the Huff but you can call me The Huff. You may know me as the all singing, dancing, beach rescuing, crime fighting, leather jacket filled with lights, singing on top of the Berlin wall type of guy but really, I'm down to earth....

...and so will you be bought down to earth with a bang if you follow my advice and visit the LAST APPEARANCE of 2014 for Peter & Jayne Smith. Feel worried, stressed? Need a little light entertainment? Want to laugh at somebody more unfortunate in life? Then meeting Peter & Jayne this Saturday 6th December is just the ticket! They will be at the Original Art Shop in Derby between 12-3pm (you may catch them before wandering around the pound shops though or if you arrive around 10am they will be sat in the carpark eating out of Tupperware)

All welcome for your last chance to WIN BIG and find a golden hare!

Let the Huff repeat that for you, Meet Peter & Jayne this Saturday 6th December in Derby at the swish Original Art Shop between 12-3pm, all welcome just stroll right in for festive fun, I know I will be there!

Yours Lavishly

The Huff*

*NB The Huff cannot guarantee that the Huff will attend, should the Huff fail to make the event Peter has been instructed to show you his baubles.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Ultimate Wrapper*

Get down and wrap like the kids with our groovy guide to professional wrapping. Schizzle!

1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.
2. Roll out paper so it's flat.
3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.
4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.
5. Curse.
6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.
7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1
8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.
9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.
10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.
11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.
12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.
13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present
14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.
15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.
16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.
17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.
18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.
19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.
20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.
21. Stick first edge down carefully.
22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.
23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.
24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.
25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.
26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.
27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.
28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27
29. Get present.
30. Buy a bag bigger than present.
31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.
32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.
33. Sleep in chair.
34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.
33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.
34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.
35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.
36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.
37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.
38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.
39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.
40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.
41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.
42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.
43. January 5th join Gym.
44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.
45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.
46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.
47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.
48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.
49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.
50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.
51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.

*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.

Lidl Donkey

In 1977 I received a book for Christmas, it was called 'The Making of The Goodies Disaster Movie' a surreal bit of work written by the Goodies. Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor who wrote and played the Goodies on television was surreal entertainment at its best and helped shaped my skewed view on the world at a very early age. To give you an idea on just how clever some of their work was here's a fictitious cast list for a version of White Christmas taken from the book...

OPENING SCENE

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedy
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glissen
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Anne
"Two Ears" Laybelle
Cindy Snow

SCENE TWO

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswit
Avery Criss
Miss Carr
Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby
Mary-Ann Bright
Anna-May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B White

Seeing as we are rambling on about alternative words why not try a few of these this Christmas to liven up those carols, you never know you might get a few more bob!

While shepherds watched their soaps by night,
All watching ITV,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And switched to BBC.

Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey,
On the cheap road,
Got to keep on flogging onwards,
With your bargain load.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
For the van of Stephen,
He had ordered pizza out,
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night
Over Marks and Spencers,
'Stephen you're late' said the king,
then he knocked him senseless.

We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear,
So fantastic, no elastic,
Only tuppence a pair.

O'Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O'It was the perfect flight.

I thought I would have a go with this takeaway Cliff classic...

The burger is King, the Carollers sing,
The old has passed, the fast food will win.
Dreams of fanta, dreams of wings,
Fingers greasy, faces will grow.

Christmas time, Misery and Whine,
Children eating cheesburger grime,
With royales on the flamer and bacon for thee,
A poor substitute for dinner we see.

A time unforgiving, a time for heaving,
Shove down the quarterpounder and fries for ever after,
Ours for the bellyaching, just follow the McMaster.
A time for lusting, not believing,

Violent night, bowely night

A time for misgiving, a time for sweating,
A standard of living that will be worth forgetting.
Christmas means shove down every last piece,
So open wide and swallow your grease.

It's a start, I wonder what other lyrics I can massacre?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals