Pencil Pusher

Pencils whilst quite useful for drawing, easing our ear wax, nostril cleaning and probing foreign objects that look decidedly unappetising they can also provide hours of amusement in other ways. Maybe 'hours' was stretching it but a few minutes diversion at the very least. Lets start with a jape, tell your friend or colleague that your pencil has been specially developed to write any colour, ask which colour they prefer to see your pencil write.

Voila! The miracle pencil that mysteriously can write any colour! You can add variants to this such as my pencil can write exactly like a pen, after disbelief from your friends simply write 'exactly like a pen'. I'm sure you can come up with many, many more and keep yourself and onlookers amused in post office queues, banks and when signing your name on important documents like last wills and testaments. One for the brave though is announce to a random stranger that you can draw their portrait in five seconds, wait for them to finish saying "no you can't" and "go on then" then simply draw a school cock. Be prepared to run after this pencil jape as most strangers may not see the funny side even though the portrait may be accurate.

Don't you hate it when this happens? Well make the best of a bad job by following this little tutorial 'The Rubber Wrecker'. This one involves a bit of work but it can be left as a joke mine, one to go off unexpected a little later. Simply take the broken lead and put it to one side and find a pencil, preferably someone else's, with a small rubber on the end.

Using a compass point or something sharp (watch your fingers!) poke the rubber it make a small hole.

Carefully insert the piece of lead you saved until you cannot see it then wet the rubber end end rub lightly on a piece of cloth to clean it up. Place the pencil somewhere it will be used.

Then laugh uncontrollably as any attempt to erase causes mayhem. Imagine the fun as your boss takes notes in a meeting only to have his work ruined, hilarious I'm sure. As you can see I have run out of ideas today and possibly if you followed my advice you have got the sack too.

It's never a good idea to do a five second portrait of your boss.

Or maybe it is.

What A Carry On

SCENE ONE

TAKE ONE

Gerald had finally found a job in a the post office in the quiet village of Carryonton. It's his first day and we find him behind the desk waiting for his first customer.

Ting-a-ling went the bell above the door as in walked the vicar. 'Morning Gerald, what a nice morning although this hot weather is making my clothes rub against my thrupney bits. I have an important package to fire through someone's slot can you handle a large one?'
'Ah, vicar, nice to see you, I can see your way-hay fever has started early. Of course I can help, let me see your package.'

'There it is Gerald, it's a fine package isn't it, Have you seen a larger one than this?'

'Can't say I have vicar, it could certainly do some damage if it gets shoved through the wrong hole.'

'Well Gerald, you'd better make sure my package slides carefully into the correct hole, especially if I'm paying for it.'

Ting-a-ling went the bell and they are joined by Mrs Holliby.

'Morning Vicar, morning Gerald, what a fine day it is. The suns shining and I have just seen a pair of great tits, I love birds.'

'I agree Mrs Holliby, nothing like seeing a pair of great tits in the morning to get you going for the day, isn't that right Gerald'

'Certainly is, nothing beats a pair of great tits. What can we do for you Mrs Holliby?'

STOP

Sorry, this is degenerating into double entendre sillyness, it's a blog not a Carry On film. It needs a complete rewrite, think village, think murder, think Miss Marples and try again.

TAKE TWO

We join Gerald, Post Master in the mysterious village of Carryonton, we find him in the post office discussing the latest revelations with Mrs Holliby and the parish Vicar.

'Well I don't know Vicar, they found him last night in a room locked from the inside. He was dead, murdered, the only thing they found was a smashed window. Somebody must have broken in.'

'Broken out Gerald, Mrs Weston said the glass from the window was on the outside so it must have been broken from the inside, how curious.' Said Mrs Holliby, 'What do you think vicar?'

'I thought it was funnier when we all talked about tits.'

STOP, STOP, STOP!

Vicar, you're out, lets run that scene again with just Gerald and Mrs Holliby. Forget the murder lets try a Western.

TAKE THREE

'Well Mrs Holliby, the pony express leaves in three minutes, yawl better be on it before Black Bart rides into town'

'Oh, Gerald, you are a brave sheriff. Let me see your 10 inch pistol.'

'Here it is Mrs Holliby, it's impressive isn't it. Here, let me lift your saddlebags for you.'

'Oh my Gerald, you're SO powerful, you can handle my saddlebags anytime.'

STOP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE STOP IT NOW!

Mrs Holliby, you're out. Just you Gerald, this is your last chance! Think village post office, first day.

TAKE FOUR

Gerald had finally found a job in a the post office in the quiet village of Carryonton. It's his first day and we find him behind the desk waiting for his first customer.

'Titty Tits!'

I give up.

A New Wonder In Wonderland

After nine months, one Knickerbockergloria dragon, a Michelin starred Impossimal night, 36kg of clay, six massive eight foot sets, industrial lighting rigs, 36 maquettes and over 5,000 individually made objects we have reached the final stage and the last painting that make up Lost Alice, this years major Impossimal release pencilled in for September. Originally this years releases were supposed to be part three of the Lost Impossimals - 'Revelation' but really we couldn't ignore the fact that Alice In Wonderland celebrated its 150th birthday this year hence this new collection.

We have both joined forces and sunk so much time into this project yet barely scratched the surface of a brand new Wonderland that will expand to go beyond your wildest dreams into a realm like no other. From the predictable title of 'We're all mad here!' to the unpredictable 'Tweedle Do and Tweedle Don't' the madness has seeped out into the artwork so be prepared to view a different kind of Wonderland; a wonderland twisted and crafted around classic literature mixed with fairy tales through the eyes of a very different Alice.

In preparation Jayne has created twenty bespoke original pieces of Alice and the Queen Of Hearts to accompany my six major oils and we have also designed four new sculptures to sit along side. Nine stand alone original maquettes, nine mounted maquette displays and several complex oil sketches will also be available and the whole thing will be packaged up and moved around the country as we go on tour reaching destinations we haven't covered in a while.

The final piece in the Alice jigsaw though is the hardest...

Between 1853 and 1863 four volumes and seven pages of text went missing from a set of thirteen diaries written by a Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, ripped out and discarded by unknown hands. The whereabouts of the missing pages remain a mystery to this day. Were they destroyed? Or hidden?

You may know Charles better by his pen name, Lewis Carroll.

The missing pages are parts of an unseen Wonderland, each revealing untold tales and further adventures of a girl called Alice. Earlier this year we found one of the pages when we opened up The Secret Pantry, Wonderland is everywhere, you just need to know where to look.

And my role in all this?

I'm writing a third Wonderland book.

So be prepared, it's all going to get rather surreal.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bung-A-Rung Emergency Kit

In a short series of one, today is part seventy six of Emergency! Your guide to safer living.

How often have you been trapped in a well, needed to reach a cat stuck in a tree, rescue people from a burning building or just wanted to clean those pesky high windows three stories up and only had a newspaper to hand?

 

Well, struggle no more with our step by step guide to the Laddermagic'o'matic, you will be on the first rung in no time and you will never suffer from ladder lacking facilities again.

All you need is newspaper and a bit of sticky tape, or spit if none is available at your location. Place each sheet together as shown in the detailed instructions, beginners may need to be supervised at this stage to get the correct ladder height. Roughly each sheet will give you eight inches of erection and two rungs. In this example we are going to construct a rigid six rung twenty four inch, ideal for reaching those top cupboards.

Roll your ladder into a relatively loose roll, too tight and you will have trouble with your erection, too slack and your ladder will not maintain its erection.

To add your rungs slightly flatten your tube and cut out this rung shape, you may use a template if required to get accurate rungage.

Bend your ladder as shown in the above directions, keeping it pointed away from you at all times. Clear away small children and pets before erecting. Depending on your initial preparation and how many sheets you used its quite possible to suddenly get a twenty footer that may require two people.

Insert your finger in the exposed ladder tube and gently pull, do this both sides in equal measures until your first rung appears.

You should now have something like this, further working the ladder with more tugging will expose more rungs, pull until you can pull no more. You will know when you are nearly done as the ladder will start to go rigid.

It really is that easy, you can now see we have been left with a perfectly safe, strong ladder for everyday needs. I used this to easily climb over a shoe box, you can use yours to change that aerial, mend that broken roof tile or even let it help with all your decorating needs! *

*Paper ladders are for professionals only and will not replace the paper scaffolding shown previously. Maximum weight restrictions apply, if unsure use our toilet roll version for extra stability. Paper ladders are not recommended for ages 0-76, those over 76 do so at their own risk and must not overreach the ladders safety distance. Always use a stable surface to mount your ladder and avoid rain, fire and wind. Using different sheets of newspaper within the same ladder will generate weak points and is not recommended.

I'll Show You Mine!

WHATS ON

ABC Cinema

Star Warts (PG) 12.40 2.30 7.40 - Classic sci-fi skin complaint surgery in space. 'This is not the wart you are looking for.'

The Terminator (X) 1.20 5.23 - The trials and tribulations of a railway announcer as he cancels several trains in a row much to the disgust of travellers. Contains strong language and the William Tell Overture being farted over the tanoy.

Filthy Smut (XXX) 1.50 2.50 3.50 4.50 - Wonderful children's film sequel to the popular Smutty Filth (XXX)

Odeon Cinema

Lassie Does Dallas (u) 7.50 9.20 10.26 - Naughty Lassie makes a naughty movie, excellent family film.

Alice Through The Drinking Glass (PG) 6.20 12.32 - After a rough night out Alice wakes up in a mysterious land ruled by an evil Queen, follow Alice's adventures as she fights a raging hangover, samples casual drug use from labelled bottles, hallucinates and talks to cats.

All night XXX movies TUES 11.30 - 5.30 Confessions of a Text Maniac, Confessions of a Tupperware Seller, Confessions of a Confessional Confessor, Confessions of a Lamb, Confessions of a Ewe, Confessions of a Sea Urchin.

CLASSIFIEDS

For hire Bouncy Castle, fun for all the family with our inflatable Roy Castle. £10 per day, no shoes or scissors please.

For hire Extreme Clowns, sword swallowing, bed of nails, hanging from hooks, ideal for children's parties.

The BGs, tribute band, no connection to The Be G's or The Bee G's or The Bee Ge's or The Be Ge's or The Beeee Geeee's or The Beeeeeeeeeee Geeeeeeeeee's or The B Geeeee's or The Beee Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's or The B's or The G's £10 per song, teeth extra. Full wigs and beard experience.

FOR SALE

Wig, light brown, slight fire damage £23 o.n.o

Two pelicans, comes with free flamingo, must go to a good home. Selling due to acquiring several tigers and a giraffe. £10 Contact Gerald, Flat 23, Mandella Hi-Rise, Cricklewood.

Brucie, entertainer of sorts. Buyer beware, prone to spontaneous tap dancing and singing, requires re-wigging on top. Will split. £1.26

Rod Stewart record 'I Am Sailing' £125, will consider swap for Terry Wogans 'Floral Dance' or anything by Keith Chegwin.

Flatulance bucket, amplifies flatulance sound x10, a miracle of modern science and a must have gadget. Enable to project the sound up to one mile in good conditions. From low rasps to dog howlers, full broadcasting ability with optional wifi to upload your sounds. £25 o.n.o. Used. Soiled.

PERSONAL

Fruity Mr Kipling looking for a French Fancy Tart that Bakes well. Custard Creme a speciality, will consider Bourbons or Wagon Wheels.

Miss Two Wrongs looking for that Mr Right, no other names acceptable, want to make Two Wrongs Right.

Cupboard lover looking for sexy sideboard to open drawers, if door sticks, pull to open.

JOBS

Henchmen required, excellent benefits, full health insurance, uniform, own gun. Contact SMERSH, Crab Key, Old Volcano.

We are hiring! Like fairy tales? Have expensive tastes? Want two houses absolutely free or even a cheap council house in central London? Then why not become a local MP, hours to suit.

Bargains Galore!

SCISSORSPOON 2000

Straight from the studio that bought you Skewer Slippers comes the latest must have labour saving gadget, Scissorspoon 2000, the space age gadget that allows you to eat and snip at the same time. With its special 'spoon' simulators combined with the slicing action of its twin blades it will make short work of paper, pasta and slugs whilst feeding two spoonfuls a snip. Rated as rank by the Whattheflipisit Poll over 99% of people in our survey placed this device above breathing. (Poll taken in our office asking Derek the only member of staff and using the question 'Do you still want a job here?') For only £99.99 you can own this collectible cutlery and for a limited time only we will give you this free!

C-Rain Predictor (tm)

Our patented C-Rain(tm) Predictor Chart. Using the latest Catalogical Barometer you can now see the likely hood of it raining cats every single day. With its easy to read layout you will know accurately to expect everything from kitten showers to full blown tabby torrents. Why, you can even laugh as your neighbours unexpectedly get caught out and end up under a pile of pussies. For further enjoyment of this free gift we also recommend you purchase our Brollybounce to deflect falling cats and our unique Hooverminx to clean up all those strays left over in the garden after a heavy downpour.

Rated 10/10 in a category of one by Whattheflipisthat.co.uk.com.org.biz.xxx you really cannot get any better than this and it's FREE!

BARRYBOOMBOX

As a special bonus to readers of this blog we will also throw in the Barry Manilow Radio, bop to Barry all day long at the Copacabana, sipping Manilows in your white linen trousers and sandals. From jingles to jives, from smooches to smooth grooves Barry has it all covered so you too can get that party started and be the talk of the town. The Barryboombox, only from Ronkaterrible, your one stop shop for everything you need and nothing you want.

Oh Dreary Me...A New Low In Blogging

Auntie Dreary is the advice column of Dreary Cushion, the agony aunt for the popular publication Soft Furnishing And Psychology TV Guide, a weekly magazine devoted to all things psychologically comfy.

Dear Dreary,

I have recently noticed an object looking like a six foot bean bag on my settee that refuses to go away. It's really started to annoy me as its always there when I come home from work, it never moves, occasionally it grunts and worst of all it's now started to demand food and steal the remote control. What is it Dreary and what can I do to get rid of it?

Concerned of Dulwich

Don't worry dear, it's a common problem, there is even a special name for it, your six foot badly stuffed beanbag is called a husband. Unfortunately they are quite stubborn and take some shifting, other unfortunate sufferers of this problem, called wives, often swap tips on husband removal and you should seek their advice. Withdrawing food and water will get them to move occasionally but only as far as the kitchen, my best advice to you is to get a nice little flowery throw and whilst its sleeping cover it up.

Dear Dreary,

My best friend has suggested I get a tattoo on my bottom to make me more desirable, I however have doubts, I don't want the small person from Fantasy Island drawn on my nether regions and much prefer a butterfly, how do I tell my friend I didn't like Fantasy Island?

Big Butt Bertha from Brum

Calm down dear don't get all in a lather, you are forgetting that he also played Nick Nack in the James Bond film, Man With A Golden Gun so having Tattoo on your bottom is actually quite cool, you could even use your ample arse as a pretend cave so Tattoo could be peering into it or out of it depending how much pain you wish to endure. As for your friend buy yourself a nice little throw and every time she mentions Tattoo or Nick Nack simply cover her with it.

Dear Dreary,

I have several cushions on my bed that match my feature wall, should I buy a throw for the end of the bed to match?

J.Oke of Tunbridge Wells Knitting Circle

No,No,No dear, your problem is your bedroom and its lack of use. I recommend a healthy dose of man action to restore your confidence. If that's a problem then visit those nice people at Sann Hummers, they have some excellent ways to bring back the spicy things in life and pretty soon you will be swinging from the lampshades. Next time don't be afraid to talk about sex dear, it's quite natural you know.

Dear Dreary,

The spark has gone out of my marriage, my husband dresses up in my clothes even when I'm in the house and leers at passersby from the bedroom window whilst shouting obscenities. I'm at my wits end, what can I do? Should I leave him or seek professional help?

Desperate House Pet of Pontefract

It's perfectly fine to dress windows with pelmets and curtains when you have more than six cushions on your furniture. Maybe a nice woolly rug would distract from your décor, alternatively buy yourself a nice little throw and some doilies for the backs of the sofa. One large cushion surrounded by six others can make a dramatic centre piece in any living room. Be bold with colour dear and you will feel better in no time at all. 

Dear Dreary,

I am repairing my car and need a single 2mm sprocket grub screw but only have a 3mm grimble clip and a piece of rubber tubing, will it work as a replacement?

Mike Canic of Garage

If you shave a little off the grimble clip you will find the rubber tubing can be attached perfectly. I take it you have a Ford Mustard V2 judging from the use of a 2mm sprocket so on that basis, yes it will work. Just make sure you have a 6mm crocket anti clockwise spring to hold it all in place and everything will be fine.

If you wish to receive professional advice from Dreary Cushion then comment below on this blogs Facebook entry or alternatively write your problem on a ten pound note and post it down the back of the sofa.

Bye bye Dreary fans! 

Sexy Sun Fun!

SPECIAL REPORT from our Sun correspondent Kit-E-Kat

Now the sun has made its annual appearance and summer is well underway to give us a total of two days enjoyment before rolling thunderstorms spoil the fun I thought I would join in with all the news reports and remind you of how bad the sun is and how to not expire should you heaven forbid start to enjoy it.

REMEMBER

Although you can tell the time by the sun most people cannot even see the numbers when they look at it. To help always use a triple mirror system with a magnifying glass to deflect the sunlight onto a specially prepared crumble surface (a slice of bread) that has been prepared beforehand with the addition of a clock face. As the reflected light hits it will reveal little to the untrained eye but experts assure us that it will indeed show the time as mostly being wasted in such a futile way.

The sun is bright, garish, hard to look at and will make you hot under the collar, instead buy another newspaper altogether.

Simulate heat stroke by turning on your oven and leaving the door open. Shut all the doors and windows in the kitchen and wear several jumpers, eventually you will 'succumb' to the effects and collapse pleasingly onto the floor.

Don't forget to wear highly innapropriate clothing that barely covers the flabby bits of your anatomy.

Useful words to say during this unusual weather event are 'I like it hot but not this hot!', 'Put it away you will scare the kids.', 'I don't know how they stand it this hot abroad with all that foreign food, give me rain and egg and chips any day of the week.', 'It wasn't that brown this morning!' and for all the northern folk 'I'm staying indoors, I can't be bothered with all this sun.'

Cooking oil makes a useful substitute for sun cream with the added bonus that you will 'sizzle' in the sun and smell of chips. Place strips of bacon on your tummy when sunbathing for a treat when you finish.

Recreate the seaside in your back garden by sitting on a towel semi naked, filling your egg sandwiches with sand, building small sandcastles and getting a dog to urinate on them. Just like what happened to me in the 70's when a bloody big dog came and destroyed two turrets with a torrent of wee whilst I sat there crying into my bucket and unearthing a buried turd with my spade but I'm over that now.

Get a dog to wee on something handmade for that same crushing feeling I had in the 70's

Did I mention weeing dogs and crushed dreams?

Make a ton of money by becoming an ice cream vendor and selling '99's for £2.50 with only a quarter of a flake sticking out and a paltry whip of ice cream in a miniature cone.

Pretend you're an artist by moaning how hot the studio is as an excuse to avoid 'working' using the term 'work' as loosely as possible whilst trying to convince everyone around you that being arty is full time work when in reality being arty is 10% art 90% self crushing under confidence masquerading as pretentiousness to avoid detection using small things as the weather to throw an arty moment avoiding doing your job thus gaining an excuse to write a mildly amusing blog.

Wear a Kiss Me Quick hat to work for instant respect especially if you are a doctor or policeman.

Buy an invisible dog lead and harass people in the street.

Buy a dog and no lead to allow it to harass people hands free.

More white dog poo appears during sunny weather, please note, it is not chalk and should not be used as such. Another memory that fails to erase itself; just thinking about it conjures up the smell of the 'chalk' breaking as I scrawled on the pavement in the 70's.

Also avoid small black bags that have self inflated, they do not contain 'treasure' especially if found discarded on paths and in parks. NEVER EVER poke them with a stick if fully inflated unless you intend burning your clothes later and scrubbing yourself down with Dettol as I had to in the 70's

Never ever refer back to the endless summer of '77 unless you want to be classed as a boring old fart.

The Summer of '77 was awesome, we had back to back sun for weeks on end and there was no X-Factor.

Bored of the Sun? Simply wait for fourteen hours in the same spot and voila, it will disappear.

Sunday is not a sunny day as it suggests, it's more of a restricted shopping day that normally disappoints the unwary. In olden days nothing used to open on a Sunday and we all had to sit together for a big meal and make conversation about how great it would be if everything opened on a Sunday before watching Bullseye on television wondering what on earth they were going to do with a twin engined speedboat on a terrace street.

Enjoy the sunny weather!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Carpet Crumpet

Sifting through some old blog entries I wondered what I was doing this day in 2012, alas I found my answer with this blog entry from the vaults...

Shopping for a bargain off cut in carpet emporiums is a daunting proposition. Firstly you have oodles of options, colour, pattern, short pile, shag, nylon, wool, the list is endless and secondly you have to enter through a door way that is festooned with balloons and garlands like you are going there for a party. There was so much celebratory material outside I half expected to be met by Coco the carpet clown and shown the recently carpeted bouncy castle whilst children run excitedly through tubes of carpet caves eating carpet cakes.

OK, that was a bit over the top I'll admit but really why are carpet places always festooned in such gaiety? I checked, there was not a sale on, it was not a anniversary for anything at the store and it wasn't anybody's birthday. It is and will forever remain a mystery.

Grippers, that's what I want to talk about. How lethal are they? Taking up our old carpet revealed a multitude of sins as it became apparent it should have been replaced many, many years before. Part of the carpet was wedged under the door way on a particularly gripping bit of floor. Extracting carpet from the jaws of these booby traps requires a deft touch, a touch I fail to have and inexplicably at some point I know I will catch a part of my anatomy on them. Strips of wood nailed to the floor, each with fifty small angled spikes is like something from the middle ages to stop mounted troops, why on earth are they there for carpets?, surely carpets don't have a habit of running away when your not looking so have to be pinned down. I know, I know, they stop the carpet moving, still don't like them.

As usual the carpet wouldn't budge from under the door frame, cutting it out wasn't an option as we needed the new carpet to fit perfectly and not have a tuft of green between that and the hallway. Tug. Tug. No movement. Maybe a new tactic, a forty five degree tug.

It worked, I say worked in its loosest terms as the carpet tore away from the strip with a ripping sound catapulting me backwards bottom first into the corner. That is where I found the gripper as it tore into my cheeks like a fish hook. If you have ever tried to get up from a gripper injury you will find how hard it is. The spikes point towards the wall so you are left with two choices, either retreat more towards the wall to ease them off which in my case was going to be difficult seeing as my backside was already pinned there or secondly grit your teeth and stand rather quickly ignoring any ripping sounds and sharp pain.

I chose the latter and I now have a nice row of 'teeth' marks in my bottom. 

Try explaining that one at the swimming baths.

Slicing With Danger

'I'll have a 100g of the sundries tomato stuffed olives, 100g of the garlic stuffed and four of the blue cheese stuffed please'. Not a massive amount of olives to order and really we just wanted to try out the blue cheese ones.

We should have realised when we saw our deli counter assistant trying to halve an enormous piece of Parmesan using a bread knife. It was obviously a struggle, the knife was stuck at ninety degrees in the centre of the cheese and she was puffing and panting using both hands to push down with little success. Really what would have happened if she had slipped would have involved us picking up ten little fingers as they ran down the double edged blade and spoiling our day.

'Uh?' 

'I would like some Olives please'

'Oh'. We looked around, the shop was deserted but she seemed strangely disappointed that we wished to buy something, either that or it was because we had stopped her digit removal fun momentarily.

'I'll have a 100g of the sundries tomato stuffed olives, 100g of the garlic stuffed and four of the blue cheese stuffed please'.

'These?' she said pointing to the stuffed mini peppers.

'No, those, the green ones with red poking out of them'.

'These?' pointing at the anchovy stuffed ones two bowls away.

'No, those, the green ones with the bits of red in them'. 

'You mean the olives?'.

'Yes, the bloody olives, do you even work here or are you just paid to try and lose body parts for the customers?' I said inside my head but my mouth settled for a calm 'Yes, those please'

As you can see it didn't get off to a cracking start.

'How many?' 

'100g please'. Oh my god, this is going to be painful, not only do we have to describe the food we are also going to have to remind her every three seconds. Fighting the urge to leap over the counter and take over we patiently waited a few minutes watching her carefully balance the olives in the plastic container trying to get exactly 100g. We stopped her as she chopped an olive in half to get it right and just before she quartered that piece too. OMG.

'Its 101g, is that, er, er, ok?'

'101g is fine, although we were hoping for 101.00001g but hey you can't have everything, right?' There followed a laborious process with the labelling machine until it choked out a trim little label then a further few minutes of fumbling as the lid refused to seal.

'Anything else?' she said brightly, obviously her mind had drifted back to the thoughts of other ways to skirt with danger in the deli.

'Yes, a 100g of the garlic stuffed please'

'These?'. I came to buy olives not play show and tell, maybe they were new but you would have least expected a modicum of training to distinguish between olives and peppers. Her fixation with pointing at the peppers was unnerving, skilfully and patiently we guided her back to the olives and on to part two. 'How many?' it was about this point my mind zoomed away and I looked back on myself and exactly where in the universe I was placed. Apparently every so often an inverted black hole neutron, a very rare atom, explodes. it's only a small explosion but creates a stupidity bubble that lingers for many hours, I was squarely in that bubble and trapped by the gravitational pull of absurdness it creates.

All this pales into insignificance though when we got to buying four of the blue cheese ones. Imagine describing that we would like less than 100g and have opted to purchase just four, a risky proposition that bordered on reckless, it had already taken us nearly ten minutes to get the other two tubs.

'Four?, four? of these?' she said pointing yet again to the peppers. If you point again at those peppers young lady I'm going to take them and shove them up your nose. Give me the damn pot and you stand this side whilst I fart around in a silly hat cutting up olives accurate to twenty seven decimal points. Here, let me start the bacon slicer for you to play with, you will find it far more effective in reducing your hands to the equivalent of a dibber than that silly knife.

Words cannot describe the next five minutes, not only did we have to repeat our request numerous times but we also had a 'This days kinda silly' as a reply to 'Yes, just four PLEASE'

'Excuse me, I don't think this is right' I said as she handed me the tub.

'Why? Did you want peppers?'. When she got up from the kicking I gave her I pointed out that four olives, even of this quality should not cost the deficit of Greece and £34.46 was a little steep placing my four little olives in a category above gold ingots. With an exchange rate like that maybe you should start a Cash4Olives I suggested.

To cut a long story short and save you of untold woe as we realised all the tubs had been mislabelled we eventually left this corner of the deli after fifteen minutes only to start a new episode at the till.

Sitting in the car we pulled the lid off the sundried stuffed olives and tried one. Boy they were nice. Removing the olives though had exposed a secret. At the bottom was two perfectly formed stuffed peppers.

I Ain't Afraid Of No Toast!

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.