Couldn't Careline - Your Friendless Switchboard

Welcome to Blogging The Impossimal careline, your call is important to us please select from the following options. Press 1 if you can't read today's blog, press 2 if today's blog is not funny, press 3 to register your disgust, press 4 to hear some filthy talk, press 5 to hear these options again because you didn't listen the first time or hold to speak to an operator.

Your call is number 253, your waiting time is approximately one hour and twenty nine minutes. Please be aware all calls are recorded for amusement purposes or to prove a point should you become abusive, calls cost £1 a minute unless you pressed option 4 our premium naughty service which is billed separately at £3 per naughty word, moans cost an extra £1 for fake and £5 for genuine. Option 4 will be discreetly listed on your bill as XXX HOT ACTION to avoid embarrassment.

You have pressed 1, please hold...

I'm sorry, if you have pressed one you are indeed telling porkies as that option was only available to readers of today's blog and as you are reading this we deem you to be a reader and thus option 1 has been removed for your safety as you obviously can't tell the difference between reading and not reading. Possibly you also are not sure of the difference between light and dark or near and far. Please press 1 to return to the menu.

1

Didn't you read that last bit? I said option 1 has been removed. God you are so stupid, please hold whilst I get something to slap you with. We are returning you back to our main menu, don't press 1 again.

2

Really? Not funny? I tell you what matey you wouldn't know funny if you visited the Funhouse at 26 Fun Street in Funtown. You want funny? Well I'll give you funny.

How many unfunny people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, just you.

Want another one?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Ura

Ura who?

Ura arsehole.

Who's funny now eh? Hang on everybody I'm sending Mr Unfunny back to the switchboard and disabling option 2. Get ready to be underwhelmed with a caller who obviously has a case of the stupids today.

3

Thankyou for registering your disgust, it has been duly noted that we are indeed disgusted with you and it was so nice for you to admit it. For your convenience we have posted onto your Facebook and Twitter feeds and asked your friends and family to rate how disgusted they are with you. Returning you back to the switchboard.

5

Are you that stupid that you can't remember the options? Options 1 to 3 have been disabled for stupids, please wait for an operator. You are call 2735, the approximate waiting time is two months. We will be with you as soon as possible in the meantime press 4 to listen to music or wait to listen to a fog horn mixed with a whistle at high volume.

4

Welcome to 'Make Me Moan!' Our premium Hot Hot Line, we have put you through to Peter our voluptuous 44DD curvy model from Sweden with long golden hair and the smell of fresh laundry.

'Hey baby, my name is Peter, would you like to hear me moan?'

Press 7 for a small moan, 8 for an average moan and 9 for a full on moan.'

9

Full moan selected

'Hey baby, I'm absolutely sick of the news on television, it's full of misery delivered in a mind numbing sensational way that winds me up. Newspapers are just as bad. Why does nobody use indicators when driving any more? What's with all the 50 mph speed limits we now have? Why does at your convenience always lead to more inconvenience? Only today I phoned a switchboard only to be...'

'Click'

Bzzzzzt.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Countdown

We have just started to work on the Autumn/Winter Mission Impossimal magazine in anticipation of the new Impossimal releases next month. Its a jam packed issue with plenty of unseen Impossimals and articles not to mention the new limited editions and sculptures which will feature quite heavily in the issue. Its a labour of love put together in house; Jayne takes the photos, edits and proof reads whilst I handle the layouts and technical side of getting it from paper to screen, very much a shared task.

This is a chance to be featured in the next issue, we have already got a few collectors that we will be contacting but if you have a story to tell or would like to take part in an interview for the magazine or just have an idea for an article that you would like to see included let us know and we will see what we can do. We can be reached at impossimal@gmail.com and the deadline is the 22nd August, so don't delay!

After the monstrous thirty date Bloodline tour last year we have decided to trim it back a little this year and concentrate on just a small selection of appearances on the run up to Christmas with double date shows; that is shows that have not only Impossimals but also Jayne's fabulous ceramic and metal originals too.

Full details of all the latest appearances will appear online shortly with Meadowhall, Manchester, Bluewater, Derby, Solihull and a few others with already confirmed shows.

So with a little over three weeks until the official launch its full steam ahead at Impossimal HQ. We have plenty of fun lined up over the coming months and hopefully plenty to make you smile too!

Library Of Bored

In an age of limited attention spans I give you Five Second One Sentence Novels...

ROMANTIC, FIVE SECOND LOVES!

SCENT OF THE SEA

They met over the fish counter in Morrisons as she whispered seductively 'Fillet' to which he replied 'With pleasure' and they were married six weeks later before a fatal accident with a bacon slicer cut his young life short and devastated hers until she discovered a true love in the form of Doctor Smarmy a consultant in the Bacon Slicing Rehabilitation unit.

LOVERS IN THE COLD

Recovering from a bout of flu, Gemma spied the man of her dreams over her handkerchief whilst at the Chemist, a night of passion followed but Gordon contracted a fatal dose of flu and died a few days later whilst Gemma unable to ignore her guilt drinks herself into the arms of a friend who becomes her husband after a quirky twist of fate reveals him to be the man who she thought she had killed but he had been embarrassed about his night of passion and faked his own flu demise to find himself.

HORROR, FIVE SECOND FRIGHTS!

LURKER

The room was quiet until the whispering started, checking under the bed it continued, it was only when he turned around in his empty bed that he felt something next to him and the whispering changed to a scream as rotting fingers tore into his flesh.

THE CURSING

No matter how many times the light was switched on and off the childlike figure with no face and arms outstretched always stood in the corner when it was dark taunting him for past deeds.

SLAYLORS

He had been alone at the light house on the isolated Eagles Rock for three months before the storm of the century hit forcing him to retreat to the lowest floor when there was a knock on the cellar door below his feet.

SCI-FI, FIVE SECOND THRILLS!

TO HULL AND BACK

The cyborg demonstrated an intelligence not seen before as it replicated the powers of a superhero in the laboratory, unfortunately a glitch in its software went unnoticed and the resultant rampage levelled the city of Hull until the aliens landed and mankind discovered it had the perfect weapon already.

CRIME, FIVE SECOND CAPERS!

CRACKED

The safe unlocked just as planned and all three men stood transfixed, it was the first time this experienced game of safe crackers had seen anything like it, pure gold and palladium jewellery transfixed with the stone of Gemini, a diamond the size of a tennis ball, they all wanted it but only one would leave with it they all thought simultaneously as they drew their guns.

MYSTERY THRILLER, FIVE SECOND EDGE OF YOUR SEAT STUFF!

SHAMNESIA

She had no recollection of the dead body in the bathroom and the knife in her hand but the banging and shouting at the door drew her attention, she wanted to stay but knew she should run, with the only exit the window she dropped the six feet to the floor and climbed in the car, a glance in the mirror and she could see them starting to give chase, how was she going to prove her innocence or indeed was she innocent at all?

CHILDRENS, FIVE SECOND SWEETNESS!

THE PUZZLE-ME PRESENT

Peter opened the unexpected gift from his reclusive uncle only to find it was an empty box with the words 'ME-PUZZLE' attached to the gift tag, disappointed he placed his toy rabbit in the box only to be surprised when the box 'knocked' back, opening the lid very carefully he peered in and to his amazement saw his toy rabbit through a door at the bottom of the box so like every sensible child he climbed in to enjoy the fun.

EXPERIMENTAL NOVEL, FIVE SECOND CUTTING EDGE!

THE STRANGE SIGN

¥

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bricks

I don't mind shopping and will happily trot around with Mrs Smith on the rare occasions that I am allowed out and about. I don't mind dogs either but combine the two and well, it's like oil and water.

Dogs when out shopping get bored, you can see that on their faces as they look around for something more interesting to do. That something is invariably me. Dogs have a inbuilt part of their instinct that tells them to treat at me like some massive chew toy. It dosen't help that I am allergic to dog and cat hair so I never give them a customary stroke, this too irritates them beyond belief.

'Oh wow!' goes their brain, 'He a non-stroker that looks fun and chewy!' It shouts. 'Well he's never done that before!' goes the owner as they drag their dog off my lifeless body. Only last month we were both walking in the middle of the countryside when from around a corner came a dog owner, she bent down and unhooked the lead on a big drooling black Labrador expecting it to go for a little run as usual. No, it thought, I fancy a bit of meat on the bone it thought as it ran like a Exocet missile straight into my groin then stood woofing and snapping at my heels. 'Well he's never done that before!' came the same old, same old reply to which I wittily said 'Get him off me!'. My jeans were covered in dog spit and I smelt of tinned chum.

It's not just dogs that go berserk either, about four years ago we were walking along a beach when a horse rider came towards us. As it got closer the horse started to get a bit excited much to the distress of the rider, when it was really close it decided to show me it's teeth and try to trample my fragile body into the sand whilst whipping me with its tail. What is it? Am I transmitting some kind of obscene dog/horse messages? Or do I have a annoying face? Don't answer that.

Anyway, yesterday we were out shopping, I had already had the usual dog snarls and dogs purposely getting in my way trying to trip me up with their leads when I came across the worst possible dog for me, the shop dog.

Shop dogs are notoriously pliable in the hands of most customers but as soon as I step in they either follow me around sniffing, growl a little or purposely get in my way. This one decided to go full stretch at the top of a flight of stairs stopping me descending. No amount of pleading would get it to move, it was becoming most irritating as it just lay there looking back at me with 'make me move you non-stroker' eyes. The owner was preoccupied so I strolled over to look at some candles hoping dog would get bored and move along.

Nope.

Dog was obviously wise to this and merely stretched a little longer watching me with half closed eyes. I idled around as long as was acceptable and decided to brave the stairs. I don't like stepping over dogs especially when wearing shorts but really it was being a bit of a jerk hogging the top step. Holding on to the bannister I gingerly stretched over, I don't know if you have ever tried keeping one foot further back than the top step and the other foot trying to reach two steps down whilst holding on to both banisters, all I know is that it's bloody difficult and your lower bits dangle enticingly, not good when there's a set of teeth under them.

And then when I was half way over he got up, the little sod got up!

Like a badly scripted play with scenes straight out of a comedy series my life became a farce again as the bloody dog took advantage of my stretched position to lick my leg in one stroke from my ankle to my groin!

Do you know how disgusting that feels? Doing the splits on a staircase whilst a random dog gets off on licking your leg, I'm sure some people would pay good money for that the perverts.

Jayne laughed and stroked the dog.

'Don't you say good dog! Don't you dare!'

'I won't, what a clever boy!' Said Jayne then added 'See, I didn't say good dog at all.'

Walking out of the shop we crossed the road and entered a vintage shop, as I walked in I was hit in the head by a small wooden building brick from a kids toy. Three over excited wretches of children were throwing them at each other and screaming the place down. It seems I have the same effect on children as I have with dogs and horses.

And that is why I have rabbits.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Grandad Gollum

Hello my preciousss, kill them, we hate them, we mustn't hurt master! We mustn't! I remembersss we were so poorisss thatsss we ussed to eatsies nothing butsis weetabixesss for every mealsiss. Have you everyiss tried to barbecueisss weetabixesss? The resultant fire destroyed a town full of nassty hobbitses.

Back in my daysis we were so poor thatsss we only had a ring for entertainmentiss until those nasty hobbitses tricked ussss, we hate hobbitses, We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! The man who passess the sentancess should swing the swordsss...

Hang on Grandad Gollum, that's my show and you're talking to a King! Give my regards to the Night Watch for its time to use my sword on your mouth of deceit, by morning thou shalt have no hands to walk on and no feet to eat with.

Probably.

Thou doth beseech my kingdom, when you play the game of thrones you win or die or lose something preciousness like this ring.

Thievess! It's preciousss, give me back our ringsss! Kill them! No master! Ssss.

Excuse me Mr G.Ollum and Kingy but I think you will find it's my ring. Allow me to FLIP PIGS introduce my self I am Sister MOTHERLOAFER Marion of the FRIPPING Order of Unsual Outbursts. We lost the CRANBERRY GIRAFFE ring during a SLOTTING PONTOON ceremony for a celebrity singer RUNCKLE REDSKIN songwriter last week.

Why here he is PLUCKINGTON SCREWBALL himself!

I'll second that, allow me to introduce myself, I'm Marry Banilow and I confirm that the ring is Mandies and I Write The Songs that make the whole world sing. You can find me most nights performing at the Copacabana. Oh little ring I Can't Smile Without You!

Ring? What ring? I have only just got up, what day is it?

'What a crap planet' said Flash, 'Two million years of evolution and we have blogs of this quality, it's shameful'

'I couldn't agree more Flash, say is that a can of air freshener you are holding?'

'It certainly is captain, I'll spray some and see if we can get rid of this crap blog shall I'

'Go ahead Flash, spray it and stop this rubbish in it's trac...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Update!

A bit of an update today to bring you up to speed with all the developments in the world of the Impossimals. Firstly all the latest Impossimal paintings and oil sketches should just be filtering out the galleries by the end of this week. It's an assorted bunch of around twenty nine items including originals and oil sketches of varying sizes. A selection has been made on what will be the next Impossimal limited editions from these originals and they will be published early in September followed by...

...possibly double appearances at selected galleries as Jayne, the better half of the Impossimals, joins Washington Green and launches her stunning ceramic and metal wildlife original only artwork into the galleries too. Full details still to be worked out over the next few months.

Meanwhile in the studio which is now split in two a la Steptoe and Son's classic episode we are both beavering away working on the 2015 releases. It's so strange to always work a year ahead but there are some classic Impossimals on the way including three new sculptures, the first in three years.

By November we will both be switching over to work on Revelations, the third instalment of the Lost Impossimals. A wilder ride than before with solutions, stories and a new chapter to solve that uses some of the latest technology literally embedded in the paintings...

Don't forget all the latest information can be found on our website at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk along with our collectable areas, best of the blog, full release history and much, much more. Join us also on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest or add us as a friend on Facebook by clicking on the links from the website. The World Of Impossimals also has a Facebook page, simply click on www.facebook.com/Impossimals to find us with a glimpse everyday into the sketches, paintings, stories and behind the scenes footage from the Impossimal world.

Exciting!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sunny Bunny

This bit of warm weather has bought out the best in Bunnyopolis as Aaran, Iona and Jura enjoy longer times outdoors pottering about and finding innovative ways to keep cool. Jura prefers the victorian chimney pot whilst Iona will seek shade under a bench. Aaran on the other hand retreats inside to settle under a step, occasionally though they will all come together and settle on their vet bed, a special piece of pet friendly fabric just inside Bunnyopolis's doorway as it's perfect shade shelter and cooler than anywhere else thanks to two fans that circulate the air.

The garden seems to have come alive as the vegetable beds start to produce edible things. We have already had one flush of carrots and the second batch is coming along a treat. With onions, parsnips and sweet corn in one bed and cabbages, broccoli in another we should have plenty to keep us going whilst the carrots keep the bunnies happy. Tomatoes, chillies, peppers and cucumbers fill the green house whilst three buckets in a corner of the garden are full of peas, beans and a favourite sweet smelling flower of ours, the sweet pea.

In one part of Bunnyopolis Jayne has created a new section specifically to attract butterflies with its large buddleia plant, unfortunately it's also excellent foodstuff for bunnies so has to be well protected with a wire mesh. Only last night they found how to breach it; if all three of them lean against it the combined weight of four stone of bunnies manage to bend the wire enough for a few random chomps on overhanging leaves. We don't mind, they keep it trim for us.

Two apple trees stand proudly in Bunnyopolis and this year they are full of fruit, the recent stormy weather though has shaken a few windfalls off so we have to be quick to gather them all up before Iona who is always on patrol for free food hoovers them up.

So life is relaxed at Bunnyopolis this time of year with an abundance of produce just around the corner and three happy bunnies enjoying the weather.

Bliss.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Here Comes The Shun

OFFICIAL ADVICE DURING THIS EXCEPTIONAL HEATWAVE

The Met Office has issued the following advice after forecasting a massive heat wave to hit the UK today and would like to clarify that when they said heat wave they really meant warm drizzle and over cast skies, sorry about that.

General Advice

WARNING This IS Summer, no more warnings will be given. This years Summer will start at 11:30am on the 18th July and will last approximately three hours, Summer will end with thunderbolts and lightening. All very, very frightening.

KEEP COOL - Wear shades whenever possible and pretend to be the Fonz, say Heyyyyyyy a lot and give a thumbs up to strangers.

DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS - Beer is an excellent choice as it can be combined with barbecues and red meat during the sickie you pulled to enjoy the weather.

WEAR SUNSCREEN - Sunscreens can be made out of an old clothes horse and a blanket. Simply staple the blanket to the wooden frame, cut out two arm holes and slip it on. Choose a striped blanket for a slimmer look.

IMPORTANT - Now is the time to wear skimpy inappropriate clothes that expose far too much flesh.

THINGS TO NOTE - That strange light in the sky is called a sun, feel free to point it out to friends and strangers with a stick if you like. Do not stare directly into the Sun, it's a crap newspaper full of gossip and tits.

ADVICE FOR DOGS

Pant furiously and don't lick lamposts, they will be hot.

Drink plenty of water whilst making as bigger slobbering sound as possible.

Try to eat any water coming from a hosepipe.

Sleep in shade, poop in full sun for maximum aroma benefits preferably near humans eating.

ADVICE FOR CATS

Mewl a lot for attention, when you get it show them your butt and walk away.

Avoid milk, it may have gone off, instead stand beside your bowl meowing until you get attention. Once it's refilled ignore it and walk away.

Randomly run into a room and back out again to make them think you have sunstroke.

Meow for a stroke, when being stroked meow that special 'don't touch me I'm hot' meow and claw your stroker.

Hide in bushes and meow at strangers.

Sleep.

ADVICE FOR GIRAFFES

Keep out of the sun, you are closer to the sun than anyone else so wear a hat and glasses.

Beware of overheated lions.

ADVICE FOR CLOWNS

Stop being a clown you're not even funny.

ADVICE FOR COWBOYS

Keep hydrated with plenty of beans, use the resulting wind to cool each other down.

Advise town planners to make towns bigger so both of you can live there.

Saloon doors are for saloons, do not fit them to your house front door as they offer no protection from tumbleweed and outlaws.

ADVICE FOR TALENT SHOW WANNABEES

Rehearse your sob stories beforehand, nobody wants to hear an unrehearsed bit of misery.

Try to gain an injury before attending the auditions for extra sympathy.

ADVICE FOR BANKS, BUILDING SOCIETIES AND INSURANCE COMPANIES

Stop making me change my policies every few years when your products change and charging me for the privilege.

Smile when I come into a high street branch instead of looking like it's the end of the world and I'm an annoying inconvenience to your day.

ADVICE FOR TRADESMEN WHO VISIT MY HOUSE

It's not your house so stop lounging on my furniture and walking into rooms that are completely irrelevant to the job you are doing.

Everyone is not your mate that you will see later.

Be professional, don't tell me that you might get some work done today as long as there's nothing on Sky Sports.

I don't want to hear your exploits from the night before, I certainly don't want to hear the sordid bits either as you speak to your mates on your mobile.

ADVICE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE

Don't fix a complaint by doing something that gives mea bigger reason to complain again.

ADVICE FOR LIGHT AIRCRAFT

Don't circle my house for six hours whilst you build up your flight hours, you may find it fun but to us below it's like having a fly that you cannot swat that every five minutes uses a loudhailer to increase it's buzzing sound.

Twenty six planes directly overhead in one day is more than enough thankyou.

ADVICE FOR BLOG WRITERS

Always know when to stop.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Psychic Hedgehogs

Today we at Ghost Post chat to Psychic Medium Derek Accordian about his close affinity with the spirits and his battle to educate the public on the ghosts of food.

Morning Derek, you are a popular television personality and renowned psychic known to hundreds of viewers worldwide can you tell us when you knew you were able to talk to the spirit world?

Ahh, yes, I remember it well. I was fifteen when I heard a voice coming from a little cabinet my mother had bought from an antique shop. It was calling to me and being a curious child I wondered what it was, I wasn't scared you see, just curious. I opened the cabinet and found nothing just a lot of bottles as I remember. Then for the corner came a voice, faint at first but I was sure it was calling out my name. I of course replied back and found out the voice was coming from Gordon, apparently he was trapped in a bottle along with his friend that had the unusual nickname of Bells. I deduced correctly that the only way to release them was to drain the bottles.

Several days later I awoke semi naked with my pants on my head, apparently I had been overcome by the spirits who had entered me, possessed if you like. From there on I could talk to the spirits and regularly released them from bottles. Sometimes I would get thrown out of supermarkets after draining several bottles that had trapped spirits in them. Over the years I have helped many spirits find freedom through possession of my body, the downside is I always feel rough the day after but that's the price you pay for talking to the spirit world.

OK...who would you say is the most famous spirit you have spoken to?

That would be Jack Dee

But Jack Dee is still very much alive.

Is he? Oh, it's Jack something... Ahh, got it. Jack Daniels.

Jack Daniels?

Yes, Jack Daniels, I had to drain a whole barrel of the stuff before I could talk to him.

Talk to him? What did he say?

I don't know, he sounded drunk. Say, this room looks like it's tipped over.

Do you want any help getting up?

No fanks, I'm okaysh.

Did, err, Jack tell you anything?

No, secretly I think he drinks, you know, a likkle tipply now and then. He was not a patch on that Russian guy, you know, the famous one from that Boney M&M song.

You mean Rasputin?

Yeah, that's the guy, do you know what his first name is?

No, what is it?

Smirnoff, Smirnoff Rasputin, I found him trapped in Lidl although by then he had dropped his last name because of all the bad press from that song. I smuggled him out under my coat and released him from his bottle behind the bins. I wrapped the bottle in brown paper for protection first, I don't remember much after that apart from the singing and squat thrusting.

Seriously Derek, are you making all this up?

Honestly, it all happened I fink, only this morning I freed Baileys and Archers, here, these are the very bottles that held them.

They are not spirits Derek, they are liqueurs.

Liqueurs? Why the devious devils, they speaketh in tongues to befuzzle me, I am Derek Accordian, side kick to the stars, televisions most famous sidekick. Where's my agent, I want more money.

I think you better leave Derek.

NOOO, let me show you. I'll talk to one now. Hang on. Spirits oh spirits, is there anyone there? Yes? Yes! I hear you oh spirit. Ohh, we have got a famous one!

Ok... What did they say?

Woof

Woof?

Yes, it's Lassie.

One last chance Derek, forget the spirits for a while tell us about the ghosts of food.

You know when you get wind and let out a little trump?

Yes...

Well that's the ghost of the food you ate communicating with you. The tone and pitch denotes it's feelings. If it's a high pitched dog whistle of a trump then it's in pain, if it a a low key knee trembler then it's angry you ate them. Trumps are their last taste of this world, you can always tell you have been visited by one.

How?

The smell. An unearthly aroma they leave behind, it's ungodly. It hangs around and clings to your clothes, run out of the room and it will follow you. The only way to get rid of them is to flap a newspaper around or open a window to let the find their final resting place. Don't believe me? Well you can make them take full physical form using only a lit match. First bend over and strike the match, then you...

How fascinating, well I have certainly learned something today folks. Should you wish to create your own full on level three spirit entity manifestation using only a lit match and cabbage juice then you will find all the details on Derek's website www.sadpsychics.org/talkingtrumps.html

Tomorrow how to predict the future using boiled eggs and a look at Psychic Hats, fashionable headwear that allows anyone to communicate with the other side only from top fashion house Thomas Watts.

Watch out for the latest issue, it's full of T.W.Hats.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Hi, My Name Is Victor And I Don't Believe It

What does a vacuum cleaner, a patio door, an iPod, my PC, Jaynes Laptop and the electricity supply have in common? Absolutely nothing apart from the fact that yesterday they all featured in expensive or annoying problems. A continuing theme at the moment with a swathe of things going wrong, you won't believe all this happened in one day.

Let's start with the annoying stuff, my PC. After displaying no problems for many a month it decided to go on the fritz and no longer display flash content and to also decide my virus killers registration code was incorrect. Annoying at the best of times and spending a pointless hour getting everything running again didn't set me up for the day of days. Within seconds of fixing my PC Jaynes laptop broke. Bugger. The display had gone completely, a second monitor helped but it looks like the laptop was on its last legs. I pressed the on button on the newly installed monitor and it popped out. No really, it popped out spring and all, I don't believe it! Cue expense and so the tally started...

£400 at least for the laptop and a bit for a new monitor, oh hum.

I tell you what, I'll go to the studio and pop some music on. Wrong! Mr iPod decided that today it was going to bugger around with the volume control, one second it was at full volume the next it was a mouses fart. Barely audible but faintly annoying. I left the studio and made my way back to the house when it decided to wrench the volume up to nose bleed levels. Well, I nearly fell to my knees as I threw off my wireless headphones then nearly threw a wobbly in a fit of petulance. Needless to say a lot of messing about later I had sorted it and went back to the studio.

Oooooooeeeeeeeee!!!! BANG!

'I don't recognise that bit on the song' I though to myself then realised that the noise had come from the house. I removed my headphones and ran back to the house only to find Jayne wide eyed and covered in a black powder, in her hand was the remains of the vacuum cleaner, an acrid smell hung in the air. Dust had launched itself liberally over everything in the house whilst the motor in the vacuum cleaner had decided it had had enough of sucking and decided to blow instead. The vacuum cleaner lay in three pieces, Jayne walked away carrying the handle to it whilst the rest of the cleaner remained on the floor such was the explosion.

Oh my.

£400 & a bit + £300'ish?

We cleaned up the mess and decided to open the patio doors to let a bit of a breeze through. The patio door is of the sliding variety, very heavy duty as it pulls out of the door frame then slides to one side although this time it seemed to be jammed as I pulled it.

Then I found out why.

The whole bloody door came off as I pulled, no really, the whole thing come away from itself accompanied with a pinging sound as the metal tracks irreparably snapped. As it started to fall I tried to catch its weight, unfortunately it's a lot heavier than I thought and it pushed me backwards and into the side of an armchair where it proceeded to pin me down bent over the arm backwards like some crap crab. I yelped and Jayne come rushing in fresh from her explosive cleaning tasks to find her husband pulling squished faces through the glass.

'Geeht thhhes orrfff' I said, for the door had conveniently pinned my face down sideways too, you know the face, same as the ones where you suck your cheeks in and pucker your lips. It took both of us to lift it back up, the patio door was absolutely knackered, with no warning at all to its instability it had managed to snap every bracket and track metal work in one go. There is no choice, it's a replacement for the door and frame, a big job too. I bolted the door back in place and made it secure then went back to my tally for the day.

£400 & a bit + £300'ish + £lotsandlots = No life only work.

Now this you will not believe, I went back to the studio and sat down. The stool I use had worked a few screws loose on one side and today was the day it decided to shed a leg. Picking myself up I kicked the stool. Then went outside and kicked the remains of the vacuum cleaner around the garden. It didn't make me feel any better.

Not to worry, I'll settle down and maybe watch one of those new Come Dine With Me Couples programs on the television. Ahh, that's better.

Plink!

I don't goddam buggering believe it! The electrics tripped! It's like being a sodding real life Victor Meldrew! All I need now is the bathtub to crash through the ceiling and the front door to pop off clown car fashion. Oh, and whilst we are at it get a rambling club to trample through my garden, crash a car through the wall of my living room and get a passing drunk to urinate through my letterbox. Honestly, what a flip flippety flipper of a mother flipping day.

It's like living in a bloody sitcom, two days ago I got stuck down a country lane when an articulated lorry decided to try to turn around in a space that even a mini would have trouble turning in, that was compounded when a cycle club came careering through and surrounded our car. Later that day we had nearly completed a six mile walk and was on the last country lane bit that was quite narrow when around the corner came a tractor, a tractor with a wide cutting blade attachment at the back that barely fitted down the lane. We were the only ones there and the tractor had no inclination to stop. Like a poor Indiana Jones trap we had to take off our rucksacks and press ourselves against a high hedge so it could pass with only centimetres between the blades and it spilling the contents of our lunch with a quick slash to the stomach. The farmer never looked up.

It carried on. Getting to the end of the walk we spied a ice cream van and ordered two ninety-nines to celebrate not being cut in two only to be asked to pay an extra 30p each on top of the advertised ninety-nine price because they had a flake in them. Of course they have a bloody flake in them, they are ninety-nines for god sake! In small writing away from the ninety-nine price was a short bit of text, flake not included 30p extra. Ninety-nines in this particular corner of hell just refers to a scoop on a cone, I should have guessed. Stupid me. Anyway, I'm so used to it now that even when the phone rings or the mail arrives I greet it with 'I wonder what fresh hell this is today?'

Wine, I need wine. Ahh, bottle of cheap Cava come to daddy on this trying day.

Pop!

'What did you do?' asked Jayne as I sat repairing my spectacles the cork had broken after leaving a red mark above my left eye.

I don't believe it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Old Fuddy Duddy

One thing I have always taken for granted is the ability to take broken things apart and put them back together again working, something stemming from my childhood borderline obsessional habit of finding out how things work. Over the years this skill has come in remarkably useful, mending everything from vacuum cleaners to washing machines, computers to portable radios. To help I started a spares box many, many years ago that now contains everything from Cat-5 cables to Jack plugs and weirdly aerial connection boxes even though I don't remember ever plying my trade as a television aerial installer and a myriad of power supplies. The picture above is taken from my spares box, as you can see it's pretty full.

The problem is that items are becoming increasingly difficult to fix. Not because they are more technical in many cases but because they are becoming more willing to force you to throw it away rather than attempt a repair. I noticed this happening way back in the late eighties during the computer boom. A popular computer at the time came with a power supply that resembled a cream housebrick. It hummed and was prone to failing if it overheated, it used to be such a common occurances that the computer store I worked at carried a large amount of replacement ones for purchase until of course we took it to bits. Inside tucked away in one corner was a second fuse and it was this that was prone to blowing. Once this was found out then all they had to carry was a supply of fuses to fix the problem.

Sales of the replacement power supplies went down and it became increasingly rare to have to replace the whole thing, I can only assume that many people found the same solution because the computer manufacturer changed the power supply. It was just as unreliable only this time the inside casing was encased in pitch, a black solid substance rendering repair impossible, if the fuse blew it was a £29 replacement. It was the first time I had come across such repair sabotage but alas it's almost routine with today's electrical goods.

This morning I had to use my spares box to replace a jack plug in a faulty wireless transmitter that we use to broadcast wireless music to the studio. It's only a cheap £30 thing but to throw it away for the cost of a 50p Jack plug replacement is silly. Out came the box and a suitable plug found, I started to strip away the faulty jack plug casing, always a crap task as they are tightly secured moulded plastic. Inside there should be two or three wires, one for the centre of the jack plug (white) , the second (red) for the outside and the third (lots of fiddly copper strands) if there is one to earth it all.

Nothing. Nothing that is apart from a small tube of pitch, the wretched hard black stuff which was encasing all the wires. It was this that had cracked and caused the fault but it was also this that was placed in there to stop a repair and as the manufacturer would explain it was there to stop exactly this type of fault happening in the first place. Both fault and solution and now a problem for a repair. It took me a good ten minutes of carefully clipping and poking to remove enough to expose the wires, a couple of bits of solder and it was repaired.

Now for such an easy repair I can imagine most people would throw it away and replace it especially if they tried and came across the pitch seal and it's this that manufacturers rely on. Remember the power supply from earlier? Well earlier last week I had a speaker system stop working, it had its own power supply so the first thing I checked was the fuse in the plug. It was fine, tracing the route of the power I dismantled the entry point and found a fuse had blown. I had a replacement, it was exactly the same fuse in the same position with the same vulnerabilities from all those years ago with the computer power supply, it seems that nothing much had changed only this time not many people had cottoned on to replacing the internal fuse as most people wouldn't be aware of it hence no pitch seal.

So if anyone is looking for a ZX-81 Reset switch, an Eight Pin Din socket, a dual coaxial splitter or would like their eight track player repairing I'm your man. In the meantime I will be in the studio listening to my 1971 crystal set radio through a single white earpiece I repaired in 1979. Tonight I might even watch a video, Mary Poppins on Betamax anyone?

Just drop me a Telex and I'll get back to you straight away.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Twikelight Zone

Woooooooeeeeeewoooooo!!!!

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twikelight Zone.

Jack Appleworth was a mild manned man with a passion for steps, find out just what happens when Jack meets his fickle finger of fate in this weeks Twikelight Zone...

THE FINAL STEP

Saturday, June 16th

Mabel and I had been planning the trip for a while, checking off provisions to make sure that we didn't run out, had enough warm clothing for the ascent and taking regular walks to the shops to keep our fitness levels at a peak. We knew it was going to be tough but we were ready for it, tackling the 199 steps at Whitby Abbey was going to be our crowning glory.

We had already conquered the grand staircase of the Ambassador Spa Hotel in Scarborough and took on the Imperial Hotel staircase in Blackpool after they booked us on the third floor so we felt we had enough experience tucked under our belt.

3:30pm We arrived at the Bagdale Hall Hotel in Whitby and unpacked. One good night sleep later and we will be ready. Excited!

Sunday, June the 17th

10:00am

After a hearty breakfast which made Mabel burp uncontrollably at other hotel guests rather embarrassingly we put together our provisions and made our way through town to arrive at base camp. The first step. The smell of smoked kippers and the sound of crashing waves filled the air, it was magical. Even the sun was shining away, fortune smiles on us.

My it looks a long way up! Mabel turned to me with a worried look on her face but I dismissed up her concerns with a flick of my wrist. Fame and fortune lay ahead and possibly a good photo opportunity for our burgeoning photo album that we loved to show our guests.

We took the first steps, not too bad I thought and easily leaped up the first ten. Mabel wasn't so quick and gingerly shuffled up holding onto the handrail, I suppose her hip operation wasn't helping or the fact she was on crutches.

11:02am

Step number 34 and we could feel the task ahead starting to bite. Fearing dehydration we both stopped and huddled into one side of the thin slender step, one slip and we would tumble to our doom. Mabel pulled out the thermos flask full of piping hot tea. Unfortunately she then fumbled with the lid and off it went bouncing away down the steps. I scalded Mabel, 'tea is what drives us on!' I said, 'leave the damn flask behind, we can risk splash damage on the egg and cress sandwiches, it's orange juice from here on!'

I drank my tea in silence, Mabel leant on her crutches and whimpered.

5pm

By now we had reached the halfway mark, step 99, a remarkable achievement given the time and decided to make camp for the night. Mabel insisted that 99 was indeed good enough to be halfway but I know she was wrong. I straddled steps 99 and 100 for most of the night to prove the point that I was half way not Mabel. It was tricky trying to erect the tent but after tying the guide ropes to the hand rail and hammering in a few pegs to a small wooden bench we had made something we could call home.

I got out the little portable camp stove that we always take, Mabel took the large gas bottle from her rucksack and clipped it into place. I think there must have been a little leak from the bottle for when I lit the stove the resultant fire flash took off Mabel's eyebrows and set fire to the tent. We retreated to step 98 for safety and watched in horror as the nylon sleeping bags caught fire too. Thinking quickly I kicked the burning stove into the tent, the shear weight of the 10lb gas bottle pulled the tent and it's contents from it precarious mount and off it tumbled in a fiery ball of hell only to explode some distance below.

We were stranded, all we had left was our small provisions bag and each other. With night closing in we needed some where to retreat to. We were already too far up to turn around, it was treacherous enough without the added difficulty of nightfall. We decided to camp under the wooden bench the tent had been fastened to. We removed the few burning pegs that was left embedded in it and took off Mabel's cardigan. The crutches made a makeshift structure once the cardigan was opened out fully and we had a fitful cold sleep until the gentle fingers of dawn woke us both.

Monday, June 18th

8:00am

Breakfast was a disaster! Mabel had forgotten the sandwiches and orange juice! I severely rebuked her for such an oversight, all that was left was a few hob-nobs and a custard slice, sustenance that would only last a few more steps. I resisted the urge to push her over but dear god it was a hard decision, the whole expedition hung in the balance.

10:00am

I had not spoke to Mabel for two hours to teach her a lesson, I had also hidden one of her crutches as punishment and now she was mewling she was hungry. We had reached step 124, the dizzy heights played with my mind, I had heard of rumours about altitude sickness, was this it? Hunger started to raise it's ugly head and my stomach angrily protested at its emptiness. Mabel had secretly concealed a Fruit and Nut bar, I only found out because she occasionally had to catch her breath and as she turned away from me had a quick bite. How deceitful we get under pressure!

12:25pm

The hunger! The hunger! All I can think about is food, every step is agony, food, drink, food, drink that's all I want. Step 142, food, step 143, drink. My god, we are not going to make it, man can only survive for so long without food. We could see from our lofty height right across the harbour, right across the harbour to see the famous chip shop called the magpie! Food, glorious food! Mabel said why can't we ask the other people going up and down the steps for help but I knew dear reader she was plotting something, she always talks like this when she has a secret. Maybe she has more food stashed, yes, that's it, she has food the little liar.

I kept my thoughts to myself and hurried her on.

1:26pm

I ate Mabel.

I didn't mean too, I mean it's the hunger isn't it? As she waddled up the steps swaying all I saw was a joint of ham, I swear thats what I saw coming towards me. What have I done! Only twenty steps to go! Oh Mabel, Mabel, Mabel, damn me! Damn me!

Damn me you were tasty girl!

Step 190, I'm nearly there!

3:43pm

Step 200, I have done it. Step 200? Step 200? Noooooo! How can it be? I counted every step, that's what this expedition was all about, counting every step, taking in every step, feeling every step and now I'm at the top and I have counted one twice but which one?

The torment, was it the last one? No, how about the one before? No, I must find out, I cannot leave until I find out. I cannot leave until I find out!!!!

Destined to wander the 199 steps of Whitby Abbey for eternity Jack lives his nightmare everyday searching for a step he will never find, a step that only exists in the Twikelight Zone...

Wooooooeeeeeewoooooo!!!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Freaky Fairy Tales

THE BLUE JUG

There once was an old man who lived in a very small house who through no fault of his own became so poor he had nothing to eat. One day there was a knock at his door and when he answered he found an old women covered in a shawl and clutching a small blue jug.

'Take it' she said, 'It has served me well and shall serve you too' she added before placing the jug on the floor and walking away. The old man tried to call out to the old woman but she ignored his cries. Puzzled he picked up the jug and placed it on his very old table, for everything was old in his small house. 'What is this?' he said to himself as he looked at the jug.

Suddenly the jug spoke, 'Itsma!' It said, 'Itsma! Itsma!' it carried on. The old man was amazed, a talking jug! What could it all mean? He picked up the jug, he could feel something inside the jug and tipped it up pouring out its contents.

Out slid a full sized Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee. 'It's Magic!' shouted the diminutive magic man.

'Bloody hell' he exclaimed, 'Just my luck, it's a misery jug the sneaky old bat, as if I haven't got enough troubles.'

'Look Paul, I don't want any trouble, just take the jug and bugger off will you?' He added.

'Its magic!' Said Paul looking for approval from the none existent audience. Debbie stepped forward did a pirouette and pulled out a small empty fish bowl. Paul took the fish bowl, covered it with a handkerchief and with a flourish pulled it away to reveal a flash of flame and a bowl full of flowers.

Unfortunately due to the dilapidated condition of the old mans house the fire quickly took hold and burnt it to the ground.

'It's tragic!' said Paul gleefully.

THE HANDSOME MOUSE

Far, far away in a land like no other lived a beautiful princess in a high tower. Imprisoned many years earlier by an evil king for being the most beautiful princess in the land who refused the kings hand in marriage she lives out her days spinning the finest silk from spider webs. She could never leave the tower as it had no doors. The king sent her food and clothes and she a basket on a pully from the topmost window which she would lower down every morning.

Then one day as she sat spinning she noticed a small crack in one of the walls. She could not remember ever seeing the crack before, surely it was new. The princess approached curiously and peered in to the small crack. In the darkness she could see a small pair of eyes looking back. It was a mouse.

Instead of screaming the princess spoke, for that is what princesses do on these occasions.

'Come little mouse, I mean you no harm'

The little mouse shuffled forward into the light, his fur was the finest silk and his tail was made from a golden braid.

'You are the most handsomest mouse I have ever seen!' exclaimed the princess.

The most just looked back with a tear in its eye, for the mouse was no ordinary mouse, the mouse used to be the most handsomest prince in the kingdom until an evil king turned him into a mouse using a magic potion. The very same evil king that imprisoned the princess.

'Oh, we are both trapped here little mouse, what shall we do?' she said as she picked up the handsome mouse.

'Maybe you are a handsome prince turned into a mouse' she said. The mouse looked at the princess and started to cry.

'You are! You are a prince little mouse! Oh my!' said the princess excitedly, 'Maybe I can help! A kiss from a princess could break the spell and return you to your original form!'

The princess raised the handsome mouse to her lips and delicately kissed its cheek.

In a flash the mouse transformed into the most handsome prince the princess had ever met, unfortunately she transformed into a small ugly mouse.

'Thanks bitch' said the prince as he hopped out of the window for he was also a chauvinist pig with low moral values.

THE PRISONER

Wrongly imprisoned the shoemaker paced his small cell, he had been there for as long as he could remember with only bread and water to eat. He longed to leave the cell and happy memories of sunny days and children laughing haunted him daily. The only thing between him and his memories was the locked wooden door, many was the night he contemplated escape to right the wrong doings he had been accused of.

One morning he awoke on his straw bed, something was different in his cell for the wooden door was slightly open.

Not believing his eyes the shoemaker rubbed them, the door remained slightly open with a feint light piercing the darkness. Had the guards done it on purpose to test him? Was it an accident? His question was answered when from around the door peered a leprechaun that beckoned him to leave.

'Oh my!' Said the shoemaker, 'My prayers have been answered, thank you! thank you!' Shaking with excitement he approached the door slowly still not believing that it was open. The light coming from the door was so bright, so bright that as he left the cell his eyes needed to adjust after all those years in the darkness.

Oh the light! the sounds! He could hear children! Feel the sun! Slowly as he walked into the light his eyesight returned.

What he saw was so disgusting and twisted it would haunt him until his dying day. He ran back to his cell screaming, slamming the door behind him forever.

It was Skegness.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Winner Or Loser?

Could you win Britains Got Talent? Are you the next dancing dog? The next Shadow theatre group to reduce the judges to tears? Take out handy quiz to find out just how much talent you have to show Britain.

1. Which statement describes your upbringing?

A) I had an happy childhood, went to school and still have my own teeth.

B) At the age of six I stole my first vehicle and took part in my second armed robbery. By nine I had put my name on the council house list for a five bedroom house for my ten children by eleven different partners. I have no teeth left apart from a few crooked shards at the front and I'm not afraid to talk about it.

C) I started stage school at six months and never looked back. I was tap dancing by the age of one and by three I could walk on my points, pirouette and shout for attention with ease. Singing lessons started at the age of four along with drama, dance, enunciation, deportment and songwriting. By the age of six I was wearing my first hair extensions and I had my teeth whitened.

D) At the age of six I realised I could fart in the bath.

 

2. How would you describe yourself to the judges?

A) A normal well balanced person with respect for others.

B) An habitual liar devoid of social skills.

C) Confident and good looking with the ability to outshine others.

D) A farter in the bathtub.

 

3. What special act would you show the judges?

A) I can sing a little but still feel a little under confident as I don't like to draw attention to myself due to my well balanced delicate upbringing that taught me to consider others.

B) Loads of stuff; pick pocketing, pimping, dealing, you know, street stuff and if they don't like it I can show those posh nonces a bit of five finger fun and smack them up a little.

C) I would tap dance onto the stage, tell a little joke then dazzle them with my breathtaking voice with a rendition of a Britney Spears song sung in an operatic voice whilst my dancing cat performs to commands. Obviously I would look fabulous and win.

D) Get in a bathtub and fart.

 

4. How would you take criticism from the judges?

A) Listen carefully and apologise for not meeting expectations. I would take everything on board what they said and return when I am ready.

B) Shout and shout again before leaping over the desk and smacking Simon. I'd walk off shouting abuse and return seconds later to throw an egg and stick two fingers up.

C) I would cry with emotion and add in the crucial fact that I was bought up in a council house with only dust to eat, my professional weeping can melt hearts.

D) Fart quietly.

 

5. It's the final, what do you do?

A) Try my best to impress, it's the taking part that matters.

B) Tell them all I will smash up their gaff if I don't win and shout obscenities at the audience whilst intimidating the other contestants.

C) Pretend to feint before I go on then dazzle them in my best dancing school dress and winning smile whilst I perform numbers from Cabaret. At the end I break down and weep, a concealed bar of soap rubbed into my eyes adds to the effect my puppy dog eyes have. My winning speech is already memorised.

D) Sit in a bathtub and fart.

Are you a winner?

Mostly A's

What a loser you are. Being normal is freaky, start shouting and making bad life choices to give yourself a bit of experience you wimp, nobody likes a well balanced individual. Go work in an office or something as you're obviously not cut out for stardom. You are just a dreamer, get real.

Mostly B's

Wow, you have got talent you are just aiming it in the wrong direction. Get yourself on the Jeremy Kyle Show, that's where all the action is, one appearance on there and you will be a YouTube sensation and may even get a leading role in Benefits Street. Being a workshy habitual criminal is EXACTLY what makes British television what it is today, celebrating bad individuals and talentless tanned tossers is where it's at, bad teeth are an asset, well done!

Mostly C's

All that talent training has turned you into a plastic plaything with delusions of importance, the fake hair, eyelashes, makeup and false nails all add to the illusion. Congratulations you will go far, just find a bored documentary film crew to film your normal life and you too could join other talentless mops and be the next TOWIE or Geordie Shore star. Don't forget to act like a celebrity in everything you do and when you talk only use little words or 'lickle words' as you might say. Acting thick too will get you far with your looks. Well done, you've cracked stardom!

Mostly D's

Winner! You have EXACTLY what the judges are looking for, a genuine talent. Go forth and fart your way to the Royal Variety performance! Bravo!

If you enjoyed the blog today don't forget that I have started to catagories blog entries from 2006-2014 on our website, there you can enjoy some of the best bits of the blog including Gangsta Sweetshop, Towering Infertiliser, Doctor Do and other assorted characters, quizzes, games and true life stories from previous years. Thirty two entries are already on there and with over 1.5 million words and over three thousand entries to add it will grow into a one stop blogging spectacular!

To find this blogtastic bloggerthon just visit www.petersmithcollective.co.uk and simply click on BLOG for the menu.

Enjoy!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Duh Ya Tek Papal Mi'Duck?

Some days the blog just writes itself. The other day I had an email from Paypal asking if I was interested in Paypal Here, a sort of mobile chip and pin machine that works with your phone. We already have a chip and pin machine but clicked on the link anyway to see how it works because I'm a bit nosey when it comes to technology and gadgets even though I'm approaching an old fart age. So I clicked on the video to see it in action so to speak.

Wow, a veritable metropolis, perfectly flat, clean, green patches carefully preserved in a garden like city, I wonder where this could be? The music swells, it sounds like something out of Dallas with oil barons and the like strutting around with their padded shoulder power dressing girlfriends and wives.

It looks even better at night, what a wonderous city teaming with adventure, restaurants, theatres and nightlife like no other. Take in a bit of ballet, go to a comedy club or even see a show the choice is yours. Let's zoom in a little shall we and take a look at utopia...

Oh, it's Mansfield. No really, Paypal had anywhere in the world to use that represented a teaming metropolis and they choose Mansfield. As metropolis's go it's not very metropolis, even Superman would feel a little disappointed although he would have plenty to do. Obviously I'm flattered they did choose Mansfield, I have very fond memories of Mansfield in its hayday and after all Mansfield needs things like this to help bring it back to life but secretly I was feeling a little duped by the build up. It's a bit like using footage from Bali to advertise Skegness.

Hey ho, let's see what adventures unfold. Hmm, a purchase from a bread stall from a charming lady who turns around and gets in a taxi. Hang on, that's not right, Taxis aren't allowed where that taxi is, that's just down from the pea and cockle stand, anyway how come she gets a taxi so easily? If it was a Friday or Saturday night she'd better have her mouth and fists in gear! I wonder where she is going on our one way system?

Hmm, not sure where this is, there's not many three lane roads in Mansfield and nobody has shouted abuse at her yet, not very realistic is it? Don't recognise the lamposts either, how sad is that?

Oh, you have actually drove about a fifty feet. In a circle. Maybe she fancied a ride now that the old kiddies roundabout in the marketplace no longer stands on a Saturday. I wouldn't sit down there love it looks a bit greasy, trust me I have sat down on a greasy curved seat and it's not pleasant, I bet there's a few chips around the base of it to warn you. No dialogue, just smiling, like I said totally unrealistic, not an 'eh up mi'duck' in sight.

That's a bit posh isn't it? They have even got those outside standy uppy tables so you can sip your frappacappachappinomochachocalatte whilst raising your little finger pretentiously. Unfortunately I cannot recall where this location is and I have plenty of experience in dodgy park places let me tell you. Ahem, I shouldn't have said that it can be misconstrued, let's pretend you never read it eh? Nope, not a clue, it all looks posh, if you have spotted this coffee stand in Mansfield let me know, it should be declared a local point of interest and placed on tourist maps or something.

Now many of you will be thinking what a dick bashing Mansfield like that, on the contrary I love Mansfield. Yes it has it's faults, everywhere has it's faults if you stay long enough but Mansfield is where I live, where I grew up and where I work. Mansfield is ideal to access the national road network in any direction, has within easy reach Sherwood Forest, Chatsworth House, Hardwick Hall, Rufford Country Park, Newstead Abbey, the Derbyshire peaks, the National tram museum, has it's own fine art collage in a grand building which unfortunately is relocating with much sadness and has a few fine parks scattered through the town including Carr Bank, a park classed as one of the finest urban parks in the UK and of course it's not Skegness, the list could go on. Sorry for Alvin Stardust though, yep he's Mansfield too and a piddling little artist that writes blogs whilst farting around creating Impossimalarky or something. His name eludes me, Peter stupid or something.

So Mansfield gets another notch in it's bulging waistline belt, not content with getting Ronald Regan to advertise Mansfield Bitter (that's a alcoholic drink, not a statement) in the 80's, getting a few gold medals courtesy of swimming sensation Rebecca Adlington, having a world class Cantamus Choir and giving the world Alvin Stardust, deeply sorry about that, I really can't apologise enough, we now attract multinational companies such as Paypal and Greggs. Mansfield, gateway to the world, whatever next? Before you know it we will have colour television and telephones, amazing!

And that is why I love Mansfield, I get the thrill of going back to the future every time I travel anywhere else.

Just don't mention Alvin Stardust to me, I get easily confused between him and Alvin the chipmunk, some of the leather clad, glove wearing chipmunk dreams have haunted me for years.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Too Gruel For School

The curtains were drawn on a lovely sunny afternoon, hushed expectant crowds gathered around the dance floor occasionally giggling and whispering swigging on bottles of fizzy pop as the flashing lights suddenly burst into action. The first opening bars of 'True' by Spandau Ballet blasts out of the six foot high light festooned speakers from 'Dave The Rave' and his mobile disco, for it is said that during the eighties all mobile disco DJ's must be called Dave and slowly the school hall starts to see movement as pupils push each other out onto the dance floor, giggling and pulling their friends.

Dave tries to inject a bit of enthusiasm by occasionally shouting out something inaudiable and ramps it up by playing Abba. Girls flock to Dave, a forty year old divorcee who invested the small amount of income he still has in a twenty foot metal disco rig with flashing lights, two mega speakers and ten cases full of singles in a last attempt to woo. Dave bathes in all the attention and conjures up images of his rock star lifestyle on the road with his passion wagon as he calls his white transit van. Girls swoon and Dave raves on with a bit of Queen ignoring the boys attempts to get him to play the Clash or Sex Pistols.

It's not long before everyone is sitting on the floor doing 'Rock The Boat' and feeling that buried terror that is the slow dance creep up on you. There it is, Dave has played your worst nightmare as 10cc's I'm Not In Love kickstarts the obligatory slow dance and you stand petrified, petrified that you won't be picked and absolutely mortified and petrified if somebody does approach you. If you did manage to shuffle to the dancefloor with somebody for the slow dance you then awkwardly shuffled around looking at hysterical friends pulling rude gestures until the music ends and you part quicker than a cork from a bottle.

School Disco's, a staple of school life often dreaded by pupils and teachers alike so why, oh why have we ended up with school proms?

School disco's were naff beyond belief but they at least gave us a few cheesy memories with little expectations, today proms are more than a disco they are a chance to live out your own celebrity music video fantasy complete with expensive cars, bling, make up, dresses, suits, indeed everything you would love to have when you make it big as a celebrity. And the expense! All of this costs money which I'm sure puts pressure on families budgets. Invariably Proms work the wrong way round, they raise expectations of the real world and you get one day at the end of school life that invariably you will not live up to as soon as you leave school and the harsh reality of earning a living kicks in.

Oh hum, that's Mr Getting Old kicking in no doubt, next I'll be advocating caning, gruel for meals and a return to slate boards and standing in a corner for punishment. The change of schools discos are only indicative of the whole school system though with a move to keep pupils entertained. Gone are the days of dusty classrooms on a warm afternoon ploughing through a Shakespeare play or harsh cross country punishment in PE during the winter months but I still have a nagging feeling that maybe we could do with a return to some of the old methods, after all I turned out fine even though I see imaginary creatures, write obscure drivel on a daily basis, paint upside down and have the ability to make up new words like Bobbledongle and Flampant.

School discos did alter my expectations though. For example if I hear Dancing In The Moonlight I expect to be physically sick and I expect to come out in a rash during 10cc's I'm Not In Love. The only bonus was that I got to learn dad dancing from the teachers.

Great expectations during my childhood?

Yes, if it's a school disco expect it to be crap.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Balls

At the beginning of the year we deemed 2014 the year of the Impossimal and both myself and Jayne started working on a massive amount of Impossimal related adventures to increase the interactivity we have with all our Impossimal collectors, many of which we feel we now know as friends, friends that have made this journey so much fun over the years. The blog is only one such tool we use to keep in touch, to help we have now expanded to include Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn and more recently the new World Of Impossimals Facebook page and the World Of Impossimals online collectable store all of which keeps us busy with updates, new content and email queries each day. The internet used to be far, far simpler I'm sure, but if your looking for an Impossimal fix the are plenty of places to look.

We are currently trailing out a new forum system for our website, basically it's like a localised version of Facebook and if it works we should have a nice little area dedicated to Impossimal chat and Impossimal finding. It's early days, fingers crossed we will have it up and running by July.

Anyway, always trying out something new is what we enjoy so over at the World Of Impossimals since the start of the World Cup and whilst England remain in the competition we are adding one unique item to the collectable store that is only available for twenty four hours. All the items added are hard to find; in some cases may be the only one left anywhere or unique in some kind of way. Yesterday was the turn of the very rare 'Happy Shopping' greeting card which managed to last online for five minutes before all three were sold. For thirty minutes we also listed an Impossimal limited edition for, wait for it, 1p to keep everyone on their toes!

Don't forget you can always join us on our page at https://www.facebook.com/Impossimals to view behind the scenes glimpses, unique Impossimal artwork, never seen before sketches and all the latest news with posts every day including the build up to the new Impossimal limited edition launch later this year. Or you could visit www.world-of-Impossimals.co.uk to watch for the latest 24 hour rarepossimal item to appear and browse some of the forgotten items from the Impossimal years. Finally you can locate Impossimal galleries, browse all the Impossimal releases by year, read all the Lost Impossimal stories and find the latest Mission Impossimal Magazine online at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk As usual if you want to see Impossimals out in the wild so to speak a full list of galleries that have Impossimal limited editions can be found right here.

Phew!

Don't forget we need your photos and articles for our next Mission Impossimal magazine so if you have something Impossimal to share be it a cake, photos, event or a story then get in touch at impossimal@gmail.com, we'd love to hear from you.

That's about it for today's blog, If you wonder why I have plugged all our websites and Impossimal stuff today it's all down to one simple thing; to help the vast amount of new collectors that have joined us this year that are still discovering the Impossimals and posts like this help to pull everything together, simple!

I'm sure we will be back to the random silliness tomorrow as I am working on quite a silly piece at the moment called The Big Dipper involving a rather large pot of dipping chocolate...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals