It's All Pies I Tell You!

Hi, I'm Rod Stewart and I officially don't endorse today's blog entry.

What if the world was made of chewing gum? Everything you touch was sticky and could be bent and shaped into whatever you wanted. Pieces could be broken off and chewed then spat out to become part of the world again. Yes, my mind is unravelling again. It's these kind of weird thoughts that makes me wonder if I am indeed a little mentally disturbed. It's just not normal is it?

Anyway, in the vain hope that this will clear my mind of its mental tumble weeds I thought I would share with you the story of the King Of Pieopolis.

Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in a big castle in the land of Makeituptia. The king was a greedy vile one, he ruled his subjects with a iron fist and always demanded more of them than they could give. 'More taxes!' he would say, 'More gifts!' he would demand, 'More food!' he would declare as his poverty strapped subjects starved. He loved it, they hated it, everybody despised the greedy vile King.

'What shall we do? What can we do?' chorused his subjects but one person remained mysteriously quiet. He was the village baker, he knew what they could do and he told them, quietly and secretively. They all grinned, returned to their homes to fetch one grain of wheat and gave it to the baker. Soon the baker had enough grains to grind to make the flour and to make his secret.

The king awoke from his royal slumber to the alluring smell of cooking. 'I'm hungry, feed me!' was his first words as he rose from his bed to his frightened servants. 'What is that smell, it's smells like nothing I have smelt before!' bellowed the king.

'It's coming from the village bakers Sire.' they replied.

'Then it is mine, I demand that you find out what it is and bring it to me now, I shall have it for breakfast.'.

'But...Sire, it's the villages food!' they nervously replied.

'If you don't bring me what they are cooking I'll have you all boiled in a big pot and served with roast potatoes, fetch me that food NOW!' and with that they all scurried away to do the kings bidding.

Shortly afterwards they returned and presented the king who was still sat in bed with what they had found. It was a small perfectly formed pie, no bigger than your hand. With it was a letter from the baker, it simply said 'Only eat what you need or your need will only be eat'.

'Stuff and nonsense!' and the king, for he was the king dismissed the letter, sniffed the pie then without hesitation popped it in his mouth and it was gone in an instant, he was indeed a greedy vile king. 'Delicious!' he intoned.

'What?' Said the king as he sat looking at the servants staring back at him.

'Your nose Sire, it's changed'

Surely enough as the king reached up to his face he felt an unfamiliar object, a snout, not a nose had appeared. His jaw started to open and shut automagically, unable to speak he could only chew and chew he did. First went the silver tray, straight into his mouth, secondly the bed, all scoffed in an instant. Nothing was inedible for the automatic chomping snout laden king. Bed stands, doors, carpets, windows they all disappeared into the kings ever expanding waistline as he munched his way out of the bedroom and further into the castle oinking uncontrollably.

With a look of terror in his eyes the king reached his throne room and chomp, the throne was gone, swallowed whole, for the king was now growing at an ever expanding rate. In went the kings jewels, his fortune in gold, halfway through eating the banqueting table his crowned head reached the ceiling and his sides touched all four walls. His appetite knew no bounds. Off came the roof of the castle, the turrets cantered down his throat, brick after brick the castle was consumed as the servants fled fearing for their lives. Finally the last brick was gone and the king was left sitting on a circular patch of grass surrounded by a moat.

The villages had gathered around the moat, the baker stood at the front, smiling.

The king was still hungry, still greedy, still vile. 'Feed me!' he boomed in a booming voice that boomed across the land.

'No!' Shouted back the villages, 'No more!' They all added.

Just then the king noticed something he hadn't eaten. Ten small piggies barely within reach. Bending over to bursting point he managed to get one in his mouth, then another followed by eight more until both feet were in his mouth. As he chomped and chomped he slowly shrank until he had completely eaten himself. All that was left was his crown which the baker now retrieved.

The land of Makeituptia and the people herein never forgot their greedy vile king and to make sure they never had a greedy vile king again the baker made a special pie, the Porky Pie using the crown shape to give it a distinctive crown like top. And the baker, what was his secret? Well, that my dear blog reader is another story...

Have A Sausage

 

I love a big thick long one in the morning, there's nothing more satisfying than to have a mouthful. I'm obviously talking about sausages, that staple of the great fry up and something that recently has taken a battering in my view.

Over the years during our travels we have stayed at many hotels and B&B's, one things for sure, you can judge a place on the quality of its sausage. It's true I tell you, there's even a formula for it.

Clean (nice smell x shoe mitt) = great sausage

If any of these fail, you get the sausage equivalent of a rubber band. I blogged a while ago about the virtues of finding a shoe mitt in your room so I won't bore you any longer ( you can read about my shoe mitt exploits here ). Nice smell is a must, if you can smell the carpets as you walk in its a bad sign, if you can smell chips or other fried wares then that too is a bad sign, both point to a tired place relying on clientele who still regard a prawn cocktail with Marie Rose sauce as a bit Mediterranean. Whilst we are on about that why is hotel room service food so bad? We have had some shockers over the years and it seems the posher the hotel the worst the room service, only recently were we served a 'club' sandwich that I can only assume came from a club called 'piece of turd betwix slices of Tesco value bread' and cost the equivalent of a taxi fare from London to Glasgow to bring to the room.

Anyway, where was I? Turds? Ah, close, sausages. It's always a joy to find a good sausage, although it always throws the staff when I first enter a hotel and my first question is 'where do you get your sausages from?' Seriously, if they can't answer this at reception walk out and find a better holstelry, it is a duty as a hotel to know where your sausages come from, forget learning about the emergency toothbrushes you keep at reception or the little sewing kit, learn about sausages, get that right and you will have a never ending line of smiling faces parading away first thing in a morning. Although shockingly I thought there was a program about sausages on last night, it turns out it was all to do with hiding them and I had misread what that filthy Sex Box was about, although it did confirm my suspicions that yes, indeed, we as the human race are de-evolving, I'd give us ten years at the tops.

I'm rambling again aren't I? Possibly the worst sausage I have ever eaten was served to me in Bath, quite a surprise but then again in a hotel that warns you to only drink bottled water it was only to be expected especially after the toilet roll holder collapsed as I reach out and I ended up on the floor sans trousers. That is indeed another story, oh, and the bed hole that I slowly sank into until the spring caught on my pyjamas.

We had already witnessed the waiter roll up his sleeves to retrieve a small pot of conserve he had dropped in the orange juice, he delved right up to his elbows too, when placed before us was a comedy sausage. You can always tell the bad ones, they have wrinkles, no, seriously, think about it. You know when you had a microwave sausage and said to yourself never again, well that had wrinkles too, bad sausages ALWAYS have wrinkles. The breakfast looked a bit like a swimming pool of grease with assorted breakfast items taking a casual dip. The egg had never ever seen a sunny side and lay there rubbery and grey, hash browns were included but these had been deep fried from frozen and remained black and crunchy on the outside and subzero on the inside, a texture and taste sensation I had never experienced.

The sausage stared back at me, it was about the thickness of a finger, around four inches long and very wrinkly, it looked wrong for a start. Jayne giggled. I didn't know how to approach it, it looked, menacing. Glistening with a grease sheen I decided to go for a stab and went for the middle. I didn't expect it to bend in the middle so both ends met in midair before it sprang back into its usual sausagey shape, the damn thing was made of rubber. I tried again but this time only managed to dislodge a mushroom onto my lap. Every time I stabbed it it folded and made a clapping sound as both ends met. Amused by this I decided to entertain Jayne and stabbed it to music turning my sausage into a manic clapper until it exploded.

It's didn't exactly bang as a such but it did get a puncture and sprayed hot fat on my sleeve and face, as I watched it shrank. You probably think I'm making this up but no, it really shrank as it created a little fat fountain from its new hole. Pinning it down with a fork I cut it open to release the pressure. It looked like the inside of a dust bag with flecks of pink and I'm sure I could make out mixed in there meat polo's, or arseholes to you and me. Vile, tentatively I tasted a bit then regretted it as I realised I had nothing with which to wash away the taste and I certainly wasn't going to have any of the orange juice that had just washed the waiters elbow.

So, sausages can be the make or break, in Edinburgh a week or so ago we had two ends of the spectrum, the first a nice round plump meat laden example, the second a mass produced wrinkly object from a self service section. The strange thing is the worst sausage came from the most expensive hotel. Weird isn't it, but really we should have known, you could smell the carpets.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

King Porky Of Pieopolis

Hi, I'm Rod Stewart and I officially don't endorse today's blog entry.

What if the world was made of chewing gum? Everything you touch was sticky and could be bent and shaped into whatever you wanted. Pieces could be broken off and chewed then spat out to become part of the world again. Yes, my mind is unravelling again. It's these kind of weird thoughts that makes me wonder if I am indeed a little mentally disturbed. It's just not normal is it?

Anyway, in the vain hope that this will clear my mind of its mental tumbleweeds I thought I would share with you the story of the King Of Pieopolis.

Once upon a time there was a prince who lived in a big castle in the land of Makeituptia. The king was a greedy vile one, he ruled his subjects with a iron fist and always demanded more of them than they could give. 'More taxes!' he would say, 'More gifts!' he would demand, 'More food!' he would declare as his poverty strapped subjects starved. He loved it, they hated it, everybody despised the greedy vile King.

'What shall we do? What can we do?' chorused his subjects but one person remained mysteriously quiet. He was the village baker, he knew what they could do and he told them, quietly and secretively. They all grinned, returned to their homes to fetch one grain of wheat and gave it to the baker. Soon the baker had enough grains to grind to make the flour and to make his secret.

The king awoke from his royal slumber to the alluring smell of cooking. 'I'm hungry, feed me!' was his first words as he rose from his bed to his frightened servants. 'What is that smell, it's smells like nothing I have smelt before!' bellowed the king.

'It's coming from the village bakers Sire.' they replied.

'Then it is mine, I demand that you find out what it is and bring it to me now, I shall have it for breakfast.'.

'But...Sire, it's the villages food!' they nervously replied.

'If you don't bring me what they are cooking i'll have you all boiled in a big pot and served with roast potatoes, fetch me that food NOW!' and with that they all scurried away to do the kings bidding.

Shortly afterwards they returned and presented the king who was still sat in bed with what they had found. It was a small perfectly formed pie, no bigger than your hand. With it was a letter from the baker, it simply said 'Only eat what you need or your need will only be eat'.

'Stuff and nonsense!' and the king, for he was the king dismissed the letter, sniffed the pie then without hesitation popped it in his mouth and it was gone in an instant, he was indeed a greedy vile king. 'Delicious!' he intoned.

'What?' Said the king as he sat looking at the servants staring back at him.

'Your nose Sire, it's changed'

Surely enough as the king reached up to his face he felt an unfamiliar object, a snout, not a nose had appeared. His jaw started to open and shut automagically, unable to speak he could only chew and chew he did. First went the silver tray, straight into his mouth, secondly the bed, all scoffed in an instant. Nothing was inedible for the automatic chomping snout laden king. Bed stands, doors, carpets, windows they all disappeared into the kings ever expanding waistline as he munched his way out of the bedroom and further into the castle oinking uncontrollably.

With a look of terror in his eyes the king reached his throne room and chomp, the throne was gone, swallowed whole, for the king was now growing at an ever expanding rate. In went the kings jewels, his fortune in gold, halfway through eating the banqueting table his crowned head reached the ceiling and his sides touched all four walls. His appetite knew no bounds. Off came the roof of the castle, the turrets cantered down his throat, brick after brick the castle was consumed as the servants fled fearing for their lives. Finally the last brick was gone and the king was left sitting on a circular patch of grass surrounded by a moat.

The villages had gathered around the moat, the baker stood at the front, smiling.

The king was still hungry, still greedy, still vile. 'Feed me!' he boomed in a booming voice that boomed across the land.

'No!' Shouted back the villages, 'No more!' They all added.

Just then the king noticed something he hadn't eaten. Ten small piggies barely within reach. Bending over to bursting point he managed to get one in his mouth, then another followed by eight more until both feet were in his mouth. As he chomped and chomped he slowly shrank until he had completely eaten himself. All that was left was his crown which the baker now retrieved.

The land of Makeituptia and the people herein never forgot their greedy vile king and to make sure they never had a greedy vile king again the baker made a special pie, the Porky Pie using the crown shape to give it a distinctive crown like top. And the baker, what was his secret? Well, thats another story...

See, I told you I was in a weird mood today, you're lucky you didn't get my story of Box 127 and The Rampant Jekylled Whatabanker but that I'm afraid will have to wait a little longer as its part of the mentally disturbed Bloodlines. Right, lets get on with painting the destruction of St Paul's Cathedral filled with Wotsits and Quavers. Just a normal day at the office.

Wibble.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Wonders Of Electricity

Electricity has been with us for a long time, from the first static sparks created rubbing two sticks together in 60,000BC to today's clean green electricity made from fans spinning to the gusts of flatulent cows. Today we explore electricity of the ancients and uncover the secrets of internal wiring before trumpeting cows were even invented.

Rome and the colosseum, home to the Roman spectacle of donkey shaving, an orgy of creativity as competitors try to out shave their opponents donkey, truly one of the seven wonders of the world. To shave donkeys safely they needed good lighting and that was provided using a triple spur mounted cable shuffler.

These shufflers enable the electricity being created by Nubian slaves on large treadmills to be transported from neighbouring Spain using cable made from reeds and the spit of the humble dung beetle. These cables ran for many miles finally meeting at the colosseum to provide not only lighting but the first ever two point shaving socket. So the next time you plug your shaver in spare a thought for the Romans and the humble donkey, without them you wouldn't know how to shave.

Slightly smaller than our magnificent Blackpool tower the 162ft Eyeful tower was erected in 1635, six years after the one in the northern resort. Originally intended to be the worlds biggest helter skelter a freak accident involving one of the spirals plunged a workman to his death as he sped around the tower at speeds reaching 264mph (that's 8726kmph in old money) until his coconut mat caught fire and his shoes combusted blasting him twenty two miles only to land in a smouldering heap through the window of a bakery in Calais. He declared the ride 'grand' before expiring on a pile of cream horns.

Anyway, this is the massive junction box that powered the tower in 1704. Rumour has it that when the switch was thrown the static burst was so big that Parisians hair stood on end for three months. The junction box was used to power a small electric light at the top of the Eyeful Tower that was visible to aeroplanes, great foresight as aeroplanes were still 200 years into the future.

Possibly the most complex wiring job ever taken on was Stonehenge, or as it used to be known No.6 Salisbury Way, Camelot, England. The first ever domestic two up, two down house that today looks a shambles. Archeologists differ on their opinions of why Stonehenge exists but really the answer is quite simple after scientists deciphered strange markings on the side of one of the stones.

This is the markings, the first ever wiring diagram for a domestic setting, proof indeed that ancient man was way ahead of its time. Electricians have studied this diagram and came to the conclusion that the ancient sparky go his sums wrong and sent a full 20v to the hallway and 240v to the kitchen where a new gas pipe was being laid. The resulting explosion destroyed everything around it for miles leaving only what we see today. A stone slab found in Wales from the explosion had the words 'Shi' etched on it, possibly the last words our ancient electrician ever scratched.

By the miracle of modern science our very own Battersea power station opened in 1902. Powered by a thousand dogs on treadmills trying to catch a dancing bone it remained in full use until 1944 when it was bombed heavily during the war. After WWII it was replaced with a more sustainable cat and ball of wool system although that tended to randomly do what it wanted and occasionally plunged everyone into darkness if anybody left a cardboard box around.

Inside was a simple system to feed our need for electricity, three cables, one for earth that is placed in the ground, on called neutral that was left loose for cats to bat and one live that carried the cat bats energy generated directly to kitchens up and down the country.

Finally the secrets of the Pharaohs, a four point pin socket that reveals that it was not all about Sirius, Nubius, Dubious and Mummies. During excavations of Tutankhamen's chamber they found a curious item resembling scissors. It turned out to be curling tongs and when out together with an unusual shaped gap in the centre of the pyramid it was revealed for the first time that the great pyramid was in fact an ancient beauty salon specialising in the curling of hair.

You can see here that the socket found fits perfectly with all four corners of the pyramid and also helped design the look for Toblerone.

A set of hieroglyphic markings on one of the internal chamber turned out to be a price list with bikini lines costing a jar of asses milk whilst a short back and sides was a whopping bushel of corn. Amazing stuff I'm sure you will agree.

I hope you have enjoyed your travel through time, tomorrow we will discuss Facebook through the centuries and the founding of Twitter in 0BC with the very first tweet 'no @mary I'm not following a bloody star to Bethlehem it's Christmas #leaveittothethreekings'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Spoonful of Invention

Take the humble spoon, a simple item masking a whole world of coolness that you never realised existed. Forget chucking away those plastic spoons, horde them and in turn you will have a treasure chest of useful and entertaining objects. Come with me and enter the world of Spoonventions, parts of the Forkatry skill set we discussed yesterday.

Problems with ninjas? Fear no more with this spuriken, a lethal throwing weapon known only to Dojen Hiyah Kung Po masters. Simply strap together four spoons as shown and carefully sharpen the edges using a potato peeler. Throw at any hiding ninjas for ninja free zone. in fact they are so good since I made mine I have been completely ninja free.

If you prefer a more hands on approach then become Wolverine instantly. No catch, you really can pretend to be Wolverine with this.

Place small blobs of glue onto your fingers and place in the bowls of five spoons like above. When you lift you will have instant extendable claws, try slashing toilet paper to see the impressive shredding action then blame the results on a passing cat. To retract your claws simply make a fist and the will miraculously vanish, open you hand quickly to extend.

N.B. remove before using the toilet to avoid nasty accidents.

Want to play a game? No problem, simply get a pack of cards and copy the symbols and numbers onto fifty two spoons for your own easy grip playing card spoons. As they fit comfortably together they will travel in your back pocket effortlessly rendering traditional card packs useless. Impress friends and strangers alike as you play snap, poker, Klondike and many more games using your stylish pack. Decorate on the reverse for extra wow factor.

If you have kids then feeding time can be a nightmare. Trying to hit the cake hole whilst they move their head like they are possessed has always been a problem but if you fasten three spoons together then you have increased your chances of filling their pie chute instantly. Also useful for eating yoghurt really fast.

Still having trouble feeding the little dears? Then you need an Aerospoon, the latest in airborne food delivery. To save having to make engine noises and swooping with your hand to deliver your payload simply stand the other side of the room, load it up and throw it towards a child. Their surprise will cause their mouth to open wide and the plane will land safely after gliding gracefully into their open mouth. Tie a piece of thread to the tail fin and you don't even have to go and retrieve it, just a small tug and it returns effortlessly.

Still having trouble feeding? Then amuse them into submission with this animated toy rabbit. Skilful use of the ear spoons will enable the bunny to look and listen.

Here bunny has heard a noise. What is it you ask?

It's the cast of Top Gear made entirely from spoons, how cool is that! Play with Jeremy, Stig and Hammond as they miraculously appear in 3D. Review cars, go on road trips, meet celebs, crash cars all whilst filming your own special Top Gear show.

N.B. Voices, cars, celebs not supplied but can be easily made following our advanced origami with toilet paper course.

Want to make some extra money this weekend? Get a stall at a craft show and sell Spoollery, jewellery made from spoons! You will be quids in and a millionaire by this time next week.

Finally the ultimate spoon hack. Need to eat your Chinese meal in a hurry? Simply snap off the spoon bowls and discard to be left with...chopsticks! Who'd have thought it possible, I'm never going to eat the same again.

Spoonventions part of the Culinariology Forketry Society of Great Britain, founded in 1482 sometime around tea time.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Booty Pie

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

New Season Finds

With Spring just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2013 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Twenty Things You Never Knew About Pies

1. Pies are more popular than horses. Last year a staggering 9,726,263,163 pies were consumed, that's an amazing 173.68 pies per person whilst horses accounted for only 3,000,000 burgers.

2. The largest man made pie was the Piepockalypse, a whopping 45,000lb chicken pie created by master bakers R.U.Fatt Ltd in 1983. It remained in the British Museum's pie exhibition until last year when it was part of the Jubilee celebrations when it became the first ever Pieboat in the Jubilee flotilla. It sank shortly after launch when it was discovered that its lard and flour casing had sprung a leak, pieces of pastry still litter the banks of the Thames till this very day.

3. The expression 'Easy As Pie' does not mean pie's are easy it actually means something is easy to do, just like pies.

4. 'A Piece of Cake' means the same although its about cakes not pies and never mentions that cakes are easy too.

5. Never ask a mathematician to slice a pie, you will be there all day. The first slice will be fine but the rest will be cut to 23,363 decimal places and take several days to complete all the cuts.

6. That is because a mathematician will think a pie is actually Pi which is a character from Midsummers Night Dream or something, I don't know, I only know about pies don't ask me to be academic.

7. If a gangsta wants to 'Pop Your Pie' you had better run, especially if you are in the jail shower at the time.

8. Pies containing fruit are called fruit pies and are not very good served with chips.

9. Use gravy instead, it helps bring out the flavour of the fruit.

10. A fisherman's pie contains real fishermen trawled from the seabed using large nets whilst a supermarket fish pie contains 2lbs of potato, a small chopped carrot and a prawn.

11. The first pie shop was opened in 1066 after the battle of Hastings. A war over who got the rights to the name 'Ye Olde Pie Shop' was resolved when it got out of hand and somebodies eye got poked out. A pie can still be seen in the Bayeux Tapestry, panel seven, top left, just under the iPod.

12. A pizza is a pie just don't expect steak and kidney to be on your local Pizza House menu, that's because in Italian 'pie' means 'windy bottom' so they changed it to pizza instead but kept the round shape and removed the lid.

13. A custard pie is a pie containing custard whilst a fruit pie contains fruit with a possibility of custard and a meat pie contains meat but no custard, handy to know if you don't like custard.

14. If you want a nice pie M&S will probably do one, pop down and check them out.

15. Or try your local supermarket or small shop.

16. Don't try the hairdressers, unless you want to be embarrassed by asking for a pie that is hairy.

17. 'Shut Your Pie Hole' means just that, any hole you have created for storing pies needs to be filled in as its no longer required.

18. When Tutankhamen's tomb was opened in 1998 they found amongst all the treasure an ancient pie made from giraffe and slaves. Etched in the intricate pastry work was the hieroglyphic inscription 'On swift wings death will arrive after a bite or a munch on this'. Sir Albert Tacklock dismissed the inscription and ate a bit of burnt crust, he died immediately after a long illness several years later on his 106th birthday.

19. By 2015 Greggs is expecting to open its first ever pie shop in space - on the moon! The international space station already has a concession shop on board with pies for sale at a whopping £234,253 each!

20. A lot of pies are named after their place of origin, Cottage Pie comes from Cottage, a small house shaped like a pie, Pork Pie comes from Pork, a small village in Yorkshire whilst Pasty describes somebody who is looking off colour.

21. Using pies to count up to twenty doesn't work very well.

22. Arithbitematics - If you want to count using a pie simply take a bite for each number, if you ever get stuck simply count the number of bites you have taken to know where you are.

23. Multiple pies can be used for advanced Arithbitematics.

24. A Pork Pie can be used in formal situations as a smart hat. Simply remove the lid and eat the contents. Turn it upside down an place it at a jaunty angle to look pie-tastic at weddings, funerals etc. Use miniature pork pies for added amusement factor.

25. 95% of people reading this will have at some point eaten a pie, or horse depending on which shop you went to.

 

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