Hee-Haw!!!!!! Look At My ASS!

Its Monday morning so its time for Donkey Wise Donkey Advise, our regular column dedicated to your problems with our Wise Donkey solutions. Todays blog has been sponsored by www.donkeydodonkeydontdonkeywisedonkeylies.com a subsidiarity of www.sheepgobaapigsgooinkandpandassitaroundalotandlooksad.com

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I am a working mother of two and I have recently run up a large credit card bill without my husbands knowledge. To cover the payments I went to a loan shark who charged me 1000% interest on the ten pounds I borrowed. I now owe the loan shark £19,923 and the credit card company £83,993 what shall I do wise donkeys?

A.Concerned For My Kneecaps, Dudley

Well you have got yourself in a little bother haven't you dear, we need to get those debts in order as soon as possible. I recommend buying a large saddle, a blanket and a nose bag. Take all these down to Skegness beach and harness yourself up. Offer rides up and down the beach just like we do in times of trouble and pretty soon you will be making money hand over fist. You can also charge to have a photo taken with you for extra income. Wear a small bell so you attract attention as you canter up and down the sands. You will be debt free in no time. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a terrible habit of always finishing off other peoples food, it has had such an impact on my life I now weigh just over one metric ton and fear it may hinder my job prospects of becoming a prima ballerina. What should I do?

Eddie Large Cake, Piecrust, Northants.

Don't worry Eddie, we have the perfect solution. Our new fitness regime Donkeyrobics, a cardio vascular exercise that will banish those pounds instantly. Simply buy a saddle, a blanket and nose bag and pop down to the beach. Offer rides up and down a mile stretch of beach and watch those pounds drop away. At night simply retire to a small field and gallop around a little before settling down on a pile of hay. I guarantee you will feel fitter and get closer to you dream of being a prima ballerina in no time at all. Next!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
I have a penchant for wanting to dress up in my wife's clothes when she is out, is this normal and what should I do?

Billy Frilly Knickers, Kinky, Essex

It's perfectly normal to have feelings like this, our recommendation is to be open about it with your wife. Get her to share your passion and encourage you to dress up in her underwear, then apply a little lippy, nail varnish and make up. To help your transition into society simply buy a saddle, blanket and nose bag and get down to the beach. People will love to ride you up and down the sands for a fee especially as you have gone to the trouble of dressing up a little. You wife can act as your handler so you can both enjoy cross dressing beach riding as if its perfectly normal, which as we know it is!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
You are crap, all you ever talk about is running up and down the sand.

Miss I.M.Honest

Well get you! Don't knock it until you have tried it dearie. Frolicking up and down the sands with some random stranger straddling you sounds right up your street you little strumpet. From what I have heard you even do it for free, tart!

Dear Three Wise Donkeys,
Your weekly column has been suspended until further notice. You are not funny or entertaining in any way and you also break all donkey rules by being able to use a keyboard.

A.Ass, Association Of Donkey Poking Of Britain.

Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw,Hee-Haw!!!!

Mysteries Of The Skies

After the startling revelations with yesterday's ground breaking supernatural slot today I have invited Arthur Brain founder of the Bureau Understanding Foreign Flight Objects Of Non-terrestrial Subjects or BUFFOONS for short. So Arthur, just what is a UFO?

'UFO's are unidentified frying objects, such as burnt bacon or frazzled sausages mysteriously flying through the air. We have some particularly good examples of fritters flying in formation over Big Ben. One of our members once photographed a scorched beef burger landing in the car park of Asda, passersby were astounded and two women fainted as it was joined by a hash brown and an overcooked chippolata.'

Ahem, we may have crossed purposes here Arthur, I was talking about the alien type of UFO, you know the ones that look like light fittings or dustbin lids thrown in to the air and photographed badly.

'I thought you invited me to talk about my close encounter with a full English breakfast that cornered me on the sea front in Skegness?'

No Arthur.

'Oh, that's a pity. I did see a UFO once though?'

Yes? tell us about it.

It was about six o'clock sometime in the seventies and I was watching the television when suddenly everything went black, even the television only to be replaced by a mysterious globe spinning ominously with the words BBC 1 written underneath it, I remember it clearly as I nearly dropped my biscuit in my tea. It was only on for an instant then the screen went black again and a booming voice shouted SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER and an enormous UFO flew straight at me. I dropped scalding tea on my lap and fell off the sofa, Muriel, my wife screamed and ran from the room. Scrambling around the back of the sofa I lay there for thirty minutes listening to the aliens in my living room, I could only make out certain words like Scottiekirk and Spork but I'm sure they did say We Come In Peace but that I believe was just a ruse to get me to come up from behind the curtain where I had managed to scramble to after my sofa position became compromised. Here, let me draw you what I saw...'

'See, a UFO, not very often you get such detail in a drawing, I was a draughtsman did you know so I know detail. In fact I was so shaken that the very next day armed with a camera I was determined to capture them on film. Around midday I was making a jam sandwich when I glanced out of the window and froze, there hanging in the air was an enormous cigar shaped UFO, watching me spread the butter. Grabbing my camera I managed to get a quick shot of it before it whooshed away. I have never shown this to anyone before as I believe it would change the worlds opinions on UFOs for ever.'

Well readers it looks like we have an exclusive on our hands, for the first time in print a genuine certified UFO photo, unedited and possibly the finest UFO ever captured on film.

Wow! That's amazing Arthur, it's like just hanging there. You can even make out some markings on the side, it looks like eiprahs, obviously some strange star dialect. What happened next?

'I finished buttering and ate my sandwich.'

No, what happened after that?

'Oh, I see, well here's the thing, I returned to the sitting room and flicked on the television to see if the news had reported my mysterious object and guess what?'

What?

'Aliens had taken over my television again.'

Really? How did you know?

They looked strange and pink if I remember and they spoke in a kind of whistle. I was mesmerised, they had me under some kind of tractor ray beam and I watched them experimenting with things from our world then as suddenly as they came they disappeared and the newsreader Richard Baker came on but didn't mention my flying cigar shaped object or indeed my pink aliens. Here, give me the pen I will draw one for you...'

Double wow! You heard it here first folks, aliens and UFO's do exist, watch the skies!

Tomorrow we explore the mysteries of the deep with Jaques Custardo and hear the frightening story of the time he wrestled with the Loch Ness Monster only to have the fight broken up by an underwater Kraken. Epic stuff I'm sure.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Skegvegas

Call it Skeg, Skeggy or Skegvegas, Skegness is Skegness the Blackpool of the east coast, witness to recent misfortune during 2007-08 when it lost three of it's seafront attractions to fires it was the original home of the first ever Butlins in 1936 and still is to this day one of Butlins most popular holiday camps.

But Skegness has always had difficulty shaking it's reputation of being the holiday destination of the working people of the industrial midlands who came in their droves before the package holiday and the promise of cheap sun as opposed to soggy sand filled egg sandwiches hiding behind a windbreak on a deserted beach. It was easy to see why it drew them away in the 80's and 90's to warmer and in some ways cheaper climes. Skegness was hit hard and I preferred to keep my happy memories of holidays there just that, memories, rather than have it spoiled by seeing the Skegness I remembered bought to it's knees through poor development, lack of holidaymakers and tat.

So pulling into the deserted north end car park on Friday I wondered what I would find. Well, after a short stroll todays Skegness began to unfold. Yes there is the arcades and shops selling dubious tourist tat but that is only to be expected, just under the fake glitz is a real seaside town. I would even go as far as to say an iconic seaside town and it looks like many agree. In 2005 it was voted the best retirement place in the UK, even the Lonely Planet guide lists it as 'everything you could want' in a seaside resort.

The main thing for me is the strong hold it still has on the past. It's iconic public funded Diamond Jubilee clock tower from 1899 is still there and still chiming, a warming sight to see, standing proud at the end of Lumley Road.

Natureland Seal Sanctuary opened it's doors in 1965, a popular Skegness destination that attracts 1000's of visitors each year with it's seal conservation program saving washed up baby seals and returning them to the sea. Inside you will find not only the seals but penguins, aquariums and the unusual butterfly garden, a walk through experience allowing a multitude of dramatically coloured butterflies to fly around you unhindered. I had visited it many a time during my childhood but today for some reason it all seemed so magical again. The seals waved 'hello' the goats were gruff, snatching your paper bag of food with abandon and the tropical house seemed so inviting. I was charmed again instantly.

Just behind the main seafront road is this, a perfectly manicured park with a multitude of again perfect bowling greens. Even as I passed civic pride was in evidence with the assorted chalets in this picture receiving a nice new lick of paint ready for the new season. Not a sign of any litter too, very impressive and certainly not what I would have expected. I sat for a while to take it all in and read a review of Skegness from ten years ago, "Tasteless, tacky and tawdry!" it exclaimed, well I would like to amend that from my vantage position to "Tasteful, genteel and trim" and yes, I never thought I would say those words about Skegness either.

The beach retains its blue flag status for 2011/12 and with new sea defences it looks like it will stay that way too. I was impressed, again no litter and in places freshly raked too. Whilst the view is not exactly stunning with the wind farms dotted on the horizon I can still agree with the sentiment "Skegness is so bracing", the wind from the north sea is just that and adds a fine freshness to a stroll along it. Perfect for blowing away all those cobwebs.

One unusual attraction and unfortunately not working when I visited was the small ferry boat ride. It's just a little winding canal that transports you a few minutes up the seafront and back again in little boats. The thrill of this was immense in the 70's, imagine taking a real boat to travel 1/10 of a mile, how decadent! As you can imagine, thrills in the 70's came cheaply. Pity, I would have loved it even more today.

I remember with more than a little bit of venom hating the poor crazy golf that Skegness offered, it used to be so poor and one of the low lights of any holiday. Hitting a small ball through such 'craziness' as a windmill and angled corners over a damp and strangely smelling green plastic coating acting as grass. My hatred hit a peak when after a particularly gruelling session in the rain I hit the final ball with relief on the last hole only to hit the special bell, a bell that signified I had won a prize, another free round. Never have I hit a ball so hard and fast in such a public arena, it's a wonder I didn't take some other small child out.

Anyway, look at it now! It's gone and gone all piratey full of swashbuckling bridges for mock fights with the clubs, semi real grass and imaginatively created holes. I was sold, five minutes later I was back swinging my club so to speak. I would throughly recommend it, doubly so if drunk.

My trip to Skegness wouldn't be complete without a visit here. Looks like a picture from a different place doesn't it? It's actually on the edge of Skegness in a southerly direction, it's called Gibraltar Point but feels a lot like Norfolk. indeed, get to the point and look roughly south and across the wash you will indeed see Norfolk fourteen miles away. You also pass some impressive houses on the way here too further signifying that Skegness is anything but tacky. So a delightful day in a very surprisingly litter free seaside town, admittedly I couldn't spend a week here but then again I don't have children so entertainment for a couple in their mid forties is a little limiting unless of course you have a crushing desire to pick up a dabber and bingo yourself to death.

That probably sounded wrong didn't it but make of it what you will.

No trip to the seaside would be complete without a bit of sea fare though. This repast advertised cockles, whelks, prawns and lobster tails, or in Skegness speak cockles from a jar, a crab stick that had only just whafted past anything fishy and a mock lobster tail made out of moulded crab stick, even the whelks tasted like rubber.

Oh, Skegness you little rascal you just can't stop it can you?