Chewy

Bunnyopolis has come under attack. Three bunnies with oodles to do, toys to destroy, telephone directories to rip have decided that collectively they want to chew everything they can lay their hands on. A natural instinct and it's good for their teeth I know but boy can they chew. This is the side of Bunnyopolis where every corner has been chamfered to a height of two feet, follow this around the garden an there are no corners left to be seen. Take this morning for example.

Jura walked straight passed the wooden toys, footballs, pretend carrots, plastic bottles filled with stuff and other assorted boredom breakers and went straight for the wood.

 Here she is in full swing, we added these to the mix to try and help, which they do as you can see here, but with three strong willed bunnies whilst one does this...

 Aaran is doing this, whittling away a fence post, meanwhile...

...Iona is going for the most obscure piece of wood, the leg of a small plinth in Bunnyopolis and grinding it down from the inside. To do this she has to turn upside down. Silly bunny.

Bunnies will be bunnies, so we decided to bring in a massive assortment of stuff to act as diversions. But even then they can still be picky. Take this carrot tree for instance, initial reaction was 'great, what do we do with it?' then overnight they plucked off all the carrots and left the parsnip coloured ones alone. Not been touched since. Even funnier was the Thompson and Local directory that we put down for them to shred. Again it was ignored until a few nights ago when we went in and two corners of pages had been ripped out and left, one was the index for, weirdly, abattoirs and the other was vets, seriously. What were the chances of that happening? There must be like 300 pages and they choose these two to tear out.

But then you turn around and see sights like this, Aaran, Jura and Iona, three happy bunnies doing bunny things, wood can be replaced and I'd have it no other way.

Salty Sea Dog

I'm sat in bed limply trying to bash this out on my laptop after my cold decided to turn into a full blown fever yesterday afternoon. Not sure if it was blogging about cosmic cats or Colin the dog that triggered it but by 3pm I was well and truly joining them with my overheated brain and entered la-la land for a few hours.

So today, the first day in many, many years indeed, is an enforced duvet day.

I'm bored.

I can't stomach daytime TV, my head throbs too much to read and trying to rest just makes me think about working. So, instead of writing today's blog to the sound of pounding hammers in my head here's one I prepared earlier...

A long time ago in the late 80's both myself and Jayne were walking at dusk along the seafront in Blackpool, skilfully avoiding the staggering drunks and looking in dismay at the promenades festival of litter when an old salty looking seadog stepped out from the shadows of one of the piers and thrust a small booklet in my hand.

'10p gov'nr' he growled.

What can I say, I was naive, inexperienced in tackling with salty seadogs and possibly fearing some nautical based violence involving hooks and a demented parrot so I fumbled around my pockets and pulled out a piece of silver. Well, 10p anyway. It was snatched out of my hand with a practised swipe and he hobbled away on what I'm sure was a wooden leg. Come to think of it he smelt of rum too. Pirates of Blackpool Pier doesn't really sound exotic enough though does it.

I had completely forgot about the booklet and now looked at it through a fading light. Old Moore's Almanack for the year of 1987 that looked like this. Apart from the date obviously.

Published since 1697 and put together by Francis Moore who was a self-taught physician to the court of Charles II It was really quite amazing that it was still being published. Essentially it was a collection of tide tables, moon phases, a list of fairs and events, forecasts for farmers, fishermen and the like all topped off with its centre piece, a month by month prediction of world events. Not bad for 10p, I never knew things like this existed and the strange way it entered my hands almost made it more intriguing.

So imagine my surprise to find it still going strong in the digital age. Gone are the shady seadogs plying it's trade on promenades this time you can buy it everywhere, although the price of predictions like everything else has suffered and now costs £2.50 to be enlightened. OK, so it's like a drunken stab in the dark at times but it's a little quirky and now includes Lucky Dates To Play Bingo, The Thunderball Astro-Guide, Greyhound Racing Numbers, Gardening By The Moon (I kid you not) and one that we have been waiting for Lighting Up Times For Vehicle Lamps. Oh, and oodles of adverts that include a book on Sugar Spells, Candle Burning Rituals that will leave you amazed, one to buy 'The Book of Forbidden Knowledge' , the strangely out of place 'Plot, Pots or Growbags' the A-Z of growing Veg and of course Derek Acorah one of  three 'Britains' favourites advertising in the same edition.

I love this kind of thing and have nothing against anybodies beliefs but I was so inspired by Old Moore's I have decided to publish Old Smiths Tongue in Cheek Almanacky Stroligistic 2012, a predictive guide to your world right here on todays blog.

Several full moons this year falling on the cusp of Scorpios elbow and falls in Libras twelfth house will call forth a large pink hovering pig that will float aimlessly above Milton Keynes before spontaneously combusting during the Jubilee celebrations showering five counties with free bacon. A half moon in July in conjunction with Plutos Uranus square to Mars gives a distinct possibility of rain at some point in the month and I will even go as far to pinpoint it's location as somewhere in Scotland.

In April an ascending  New Moon hints at the possibility of a celebration accompanied by eggs, I cannot predict this exactly as I'm out on a limb with this but it will involve chocolate and a partial lunar eclipse shows two large ears and a fluffy tail. Only time will tell if I am correct on this one. July is interesting, I see five 'hoops' after studying Aquarius in a trine to Mars, the planetary picture is positive but I see little in the way of gold coming to the UK.

In August Virgo hits an all time high and it is revealed that Big Ben is actually Thunderbird 6, controlled by puppets in the adjoining Westminster. There will be a popular uprising and the puppets will be packed into Big Ben and launched high into the sky where, like a firework, they will explode. It will also be the month of Early Chrimbodosso where mysteriously large tins of Quality Street will appear in supermarkets throughout the land.

September will be a moonless month and revelations will appear to support claims that Roly, the dog from Eastenders first episode was actually Michael Flatley, a claim supported by the story line when Roly trampled (tapped danced more like) over Arthur Fowlers prized leeks in a bid to show off. It will also be revealed that cheese can now be made without animals using old socks and bits of melted recycled plastic, something they have been doing for years and the real reason for recycling bins.

December, I see nothing special about December at all.

Octomembersaur is a new month that will be introduced in 2013 to cope with the revelation that mathematicians have still not agreed to adding in the leap second. Calculated back through time we are now in the age of the dinosaurs and require a new month of 40,000 years to bring us back in line. New fashions will include stone clubs, square wheels and of course the iCave, a dwelling hewn out of solid rock.

Your Lucky Lottery Numbers Are - 12,25,23,35,38,39
All are guaranteed to come up!!!!*

*At some point, in some lottery and not in this order, use of these numbers forms a contract between me and you. All winnings above £1 must be shared with me.

So all in all 2012 looks to be an exciting year!**

**Predictions may vary from ones given and I predict they may even be completely different, which as a prediction is a pretty accurate prediction so my predictions are of course valid.

ADVERTS

CALL CEDRIC GONKORAH
Britains favourite Astropsychicmediumtarotcondimentdiviner on 06661234-OMG
Let me help you, I specialise in reading condiments, salt, sugar, pepper, anything at all, phone me at £25 per minute and let me help you decipher the mystic condiments in your life. For a small fee I will also decipher the mysteries of mustard and pickles.

Phone now, you have everything to lose and nothing to gain.

FREE MAIL ORDER CATALOGUE offering genuine magical toilet seats. Be at peace with ones piece in natures own meditation closet. Mystical musical toilet roll holders also available. PO Box 823

STOP! DO YOU SUFFER FROM PAIN?
I can ease your pain through new mystical breakthrough, send £1000 in unmarked bills to PO Box 72

CALL THE SPELL LADY
I can help you spell anything, call me on 1-SPELL-ME-THIS. Satisfied customers include a lady from Norwich who wanted to know how to spell 'microanatomical', six minutes later I mystically found the word in my google spell book and she copied it down EXACTLY! Such is my power. Try me today!

High Sniff

I think I knew yesterday morning that something was amiss. A strange tickling feeling at the back of my throat coupled with a mild ache hinted that all was not right. After a shocking nights sleep I have awoken with a full blown cold and hacking cough to match. My nose is bright red and full of snot, I have watery eyes and feel achy and sleepy.

Great.

Not the best of starts to Tuesday especially as I have such a lot to do today. Doing anything with a cold is like running through glue, mental processes become more muddled and anything a little physical feels draining. Hankies pile up, tablets are popped and the feel sorry for yourself feeling kicks in. See, even this blog entry feels miserable so lets brighten it up a little and take a look at a few new entries to the pet present hall of fame.

 Catnip bubbles! Wow, really send kitty bonkers, can you imagine the mayhem?

I'm not saying kitty in this video has tried them but imagine this ten fold, entire rooms will become shredded paper, cats will be hanging off the ceiling whilst others will be laid on their back chilling and wondering if there really is a dog. Cosmic man.

 Still, bunny teeth for dogs this Easter looks cool, not quite sure the dog thinks so. Shortly after this was taken Colin the Labrador ripped off his ears, spat out the teeth and proceeded to eat all the treat filled eggs. He was found two hours later with a treat induced high partying with the cosmic cats on the roof, he had turned his bunny ears upside down to make himself look like a four petal flower with his real ears. One of the kitties was wearing his teeth and pretending to be Tom Cruise.

Then things got really weird with Mr Whippy, a battery operated tormentor that attaches to any door handle and proceeds to 'whip' a flexible tail randomly. Pretty soon a posse of cosmic cats had attached themselves to the string for the ride of their lives as they were whipped around the furniture, bouncing off windows and ornaments whilst purring in chorus Meeeeeeoooowww Maaaaannn. The trip was halted suddenly as doped up dog Colin attached himself to the end, one particularly strong 'whip' threw Colin out of the window dragging Mr Whippy and the possy of kitties with him. They were all last seen orbiting Pluto leaving behind a rainbow trail that we originally thought was an increase in solar activity last week but turned out to be the newly named Colin Comet with Kitty Tail.

Colds are cool, either that or I have overdosed on Night Nurse.

Sherlock At The Seaside

Not all paintings start out the same way, certain ideas change as I hit obstacles whilst others change direction completely, none more so that Edisons Sherlock Sidewinder. Originally, after looking through my notes, I wanted to capture childhood seaside memories and tie the sidewinder back to a gentler time when visiting the seaside was in it's infancy. Bathing booths, stripy swimwear that covered everything and walks along the prom featured heavily during the Victorian era so my 'Twistory' idea was a slippery sidewinder found on a beach and admired greatly for it's elegance and poise but also cause controversy with it's incessant wriggling, a wriggling caused it to be eventually accused of being immoral and ultimately featured in the trial of the rector of Stiffkey in 1932 as part of his defence.

 So, it was sketched out complete with accompanying shells, starfish and lighthouse, all essential to a seaside scene.

 I even went as far as producing a quick oil sketch in muted tones to get a feel for it before I committed to painting.

 It felt right so off I went, roughly painting in the beach and sky, even the glass bowl started to look right as I painted in the curvature. Obviously it still needed an immense amount of work when I suddenly blanked. I mean really blanked. I knew what I wanted but that little image in my head had disappeared, no longer could I see the seaside, no longer could I see the sidewinder. Painting stopped for two weeks whilst I thought about it a little longer but it never returned.

 After those two weeks I went back to my list of memories I had written down a year earlier, seaside was still there but underneath it was the 'Sherlock Holmes', my favourite books from my childhood. The 'Twistory' started to build in my mind and the image of the sidewinder popped back into my head, this time though there was no beach, no starfish and no lighthouses, instead was a thinking sidewinder, a thinking sidewinder with a deerstalker hat and a pipe, deep in thought on a library shelf. The vision was back so I set too and produced this rough sepia field sketch.

 With the setting being indoors it made it easier to imagine so out came the props, in this case several old painting books, a glass flower bowl, some stiff wire, marbles, water and a plasticine magnifying glass complete with cling film lens.

 The next bit was a little easier, modelling the Sherlock Sidewinder, balancing it on an old brush held between two books and using the stiff wire as a counterweight to keep it upright. The whole scene was lit from the left to get maximum effect from the light through the water filled bowl and onto the books.

 That done it was sketched onto a prepared black coated board ready for it's first coat.

 Because I knew the light was going to be tricky I painted in the sidewinder first, the smoke needed to be done wet on wet so that was added too ready for the pipe to be painted in a little later.

 Using the black background I painted out from the deep dark tones and built up the glow gradually, you can see from this shot the tones through the glass are quite intense in areas and muted in others depending on the amount of colour I added on to of the black. If you look closely you can see especially in the glass bowl that the whole board was also heavily textured, this extra bit of detail allowed me to pool shellac in the areas to help with the ageing process at the end.

Many, many layers of glazing later the whole piece rose out of the black into full colour, all the lights had been captured to the best of my ability and the plasticine, sellotape roll and cling film magnifying glass didn't look too bad either. One final trick was to grind away some of the paint on the table to simulate wood grain and fill it back up using french polish, shellac coats the surface and then wiped off quickly leaving little feint pools in the texture. From seaside to shelf, from sidewinder to Sherlock, Edison's Sherlock Sidewinder was finished.

Mowing Down

 It's about this time of the year that the bigger powertools come out to play, with grass to cut, strimming to strim and hedges to trim. Some of the more beefier tools are prone to peculiarities though. The petrol strimmer for instance requires me to memorise a six sequence startup comprising of two switches, a bulb pump, a two stage throttle and a twin grip, all this so I can whip a few bits of grass into shape occasionally. Once started this beast becomes uncontrollable, the sheer power of the head makes it sway at speed and you find heads of flowers scattered everywhere you walk as it dips and takes bites out of everything around. Apparently I can get an attachment that would allow me to cut hedges which sounds fun but from past experience I can imagine I could inflict some wondrous injuries upon myself.

It was only in 2007 when I stepped in a small hole and nearly broke my ankle, in 2008 I managed to narrowly miss cutting the power cable with the powersaw and only last year building Bunnyopolis I managed to accumulate  so many scuffs and cuts on my arms and hands I looked liked I'd tumbled out of a tree and hit every branch on the way down. I even fell head first off the deck and into Bunnyopolis one night giving me such a deep cut in my leg that I still have the scar is still visable today.

 Anyway, injuries aside now the days are getting lighter and slightly dare I say it, warmer, the rest of the summerhouse contents get an airing. It's probably typical of most peoples garages and sheds, shelves full of paint and paintbrushes for the Easter DIY mania that engulfs the UK and sport and games equipment for the sunnier days. Looks like it needs a bit of a tidy up though, I'm sure that tin of Crown paint at the bottom has been there since 2000, come to think about it when did I buy those matchpots?

No tidying up this weekend though because on Saturday (10th) between 12-3pm we are at the wondrous Acorn Gallery in Pocklington.

 And on Sunday (11th) between 12-3pm we are here at the also wondrous Original Art Shop in Preston

So it looks like the shelves will have to stay that way for another few days at least when I'm sure I would have forgotten about them again and will act all surprised in another few weeks when I discover them still there.

Ooops, nearly forgot, the appearance at Trident Galleries in Leicester has moved, it's now a month earlier on Sunday 29th April between 12-3pm, and before I forget again, two new dates have been added, one in Glasgow and the other at Treeby & Bolton in Keswick, Cumbria. Full details on my website.

Demis Roussos

Cocktail sausages and the aroma of them filled the studio today as I constructed part of Abigail's Disco Tailed Peruvian Party Python environment. It's all well and good watching what you eat but leaning over half a dozen bite sized portions is still difficult and resisting the urge to sample one or two was very tempting indeed, even more so when they sat leaning against the cheese and pineapple sticks. I know the sausage above looks a little odd but it's just the base coat, further coats will apply a glaze to make it look fatty and tasty.

Once the scene was constructed the whole environment was taken outside and placed in the grass to add to the realism, the sun, or lack of it added to the look and once everything was positioned I snapped away with the camera for the right look. The python itself was constructed as usual out of plasticine and needed several matchstick supports to hold it together, especially as it's linked rather dubiously using pipe cleaners. It did loose a few links along the way as I realised I was going to need a fifty inch long canvas only nine inches high, scaling it back to a more manageable thirty eight inches looked better anyway.

Whilst rummaging in the grass I came across this little chap inspecting my python. I haven't the foggiest where he has come from or where indeed he was heading, anything remotely watery is a fair hop away, maybe he was just a little lost or fancied a sausage, we will never know because as quick as he came he disappeared when I turned my back, very mysterious. Gathering up all my things I returned indoors to the heady smell of cheese and pineapple. Maybe just one sausage after all. Nom, nom, nom.

Did I say one? Oh well, I must have misheard myself, I could have sworn I said finish them off.

Shaker Maker

The plasticine models have pretty much become a permanent feature of the studio, at any one time I will have half a dozen of these cluttering up my desk illuminated with a standard halogen lamp. The depth they can add really does make them worthwhile. The photo above is the model for the painting below.

It's allowed me to get the shading and shadows just right and more importantly portray the stripes at the right angles. This is a relatively simple one though, it all gets more complex the more you model.

Bigger scenes require more care and attention, this one had hand made wallpaper and carpet, it took around four hours to model and get right.

Others are more simple to do, in this case these two took less than ten minutes to create, the rest of the scene however took two days to complete, it's a shame they get destroyed once finished with though.

This took a lot of plasticine even though the heart is basically formed from balsa wood and foil underneath, this heart and Impossimals was eventually placed in a box and lit from the side allowing the shadow to cast across the background.

You can see the difference in this portion of the painting, already the shadow looks more natural, far more accurate than I could imagine. All this from something as simple as plasticine.

Bonnie Tyler's New Satnav

A news article today caught my eye, an avid user of the UK's road network the headline 'Satnav Summit Maps Out Plans To Help Drivers' sounded intriguing. A meeting to put an end to drivers being sent the wrong way and new solutions to avoid lorries and such being sent down country lanes sounded like a good idea. Satnav directions are really just an aid, reliability can be a little misdirected at times. I remember one particular journey up the M1 where we were directed off at a junction and back on the same junction for no apparent reason, a bug in the road information that took three months before it was finally rectified.

Then I noticed the last paragraph '...next month we are allowing local authorities to reclassify roads'. Oh dear, not content with reducing the limits from 60 to 50 on most routes we now have a new wave of activity allowing local authorities to introduce new signage, change roads from A to B and even C or vice versa all under the guise of helping. Speed kills, I have lost friends this way and yes, speed was a factor so I understand the need for road safety, what I don't understand is taking the driving skills away from the driver.

As I see it to be a good driver you need several things, concentration, anticipation, attitude and knowledge. Concentration is simply keeping your self focused on what you are doing, driving, anticipation is reading the road both in the long, medium and short distance, attitude is trying to be calm and tolerant, a skill which is probably easier said than done and finally knowledge, the understanding of road rules. So the thought of being channelled along certain routes at certain speeds being overloaded by signs telling you what to do coupled with threats of speed cameras and 'enforcement' along the way pretty much kills the driving experience and in turn changes us from using all our good driving skills and replaces them with a set of instructions to which we need to pay more attention to than driving itself.

So take any of these skills away and you start to cause problems, the reclassification of roads could actually be a bigger issue than the headline grabbing 'Satnav Conference'. Funding will be available to 'encourage' reclassification, unfortunately no limits have been put in place so roads could be re-classed as a fund raising exercise, local authorities can quite easily reclass the same road several times as it passes through different councils, a major problem for Satnav manufacturers, imagine an A road becoming a B then back to an A, when working out the fastest route the Satnav software would look for another A road to avoid the B section effectively moving the problems somewhere else.

Expand that across the whole country with each authority taking it's own stance on the reclassification, multiplied with the fact that most authorities will not talk to the adjoining authorities then pretty soon we will have an unholy mess of variable speed limits, the funnelling of traffic to certain routes and black spots where seemingly to the Satnav no routes exist as they have been effectively downgraded enough not to appear.

Did you know that local authorities are in some cases removing the road numbers from road signs to discourage traffic in some areas? Neither did I until recently, it seems things have been moving along this direction for a number of years.

Hmm, sounds like I'm being a bit too grumpy about all this but after driving all over the UK and seeing the same problems I need only to look a few miles from my home for one of many examples. The road in question is undoubtedly a road that has received more than its fair share of casualties. In open countryside for some part it ices over easily on corners and it's long stretches and smooth surface in this short stretch between Market Warsop and Cuckney encourage speed so it was a road ripe to be looked at. Ideally the corners should have been carefully indicated and the surface treated to increase grip, speed should be lowered from 60 to 30 for the short strip through Cuckney village and it's multiple crossroads and no overtaking solid white lines added for the hidden dips along the straight stretches.

Instead, in an overzealous attempt the offending corners have been resurfaced with a surface that acts like glass, it's silky smooth and turns into a skid pan at the slightest drop of rain, still very little indicates a potentially dangerous corner, but even more overzealous is the new speed limits. The image above shows a three mile stretch starting at the bottom with the red strip.

Red is 30, green is 60, yellow is 40, purple is 50. Three miles with eight speed changes and oodles of warnings of hidden speed cameras and local civilian enforcement. You spend more time reading signs and adjusting your speed than you do driving, it's this type of thing I have seen occur over and over again throughout the UK. So unfortunately it looks like it's about to get a whole lot worse Satnav convention or not so on that bombshell I will leave you with my favourite Satnav joke.

I bought a Bonnie Tyler Satnav the other day, I wouldn't recommend it, it kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

Gloopy

I admit at first glance it does not look that appetising. Even the first smell can rip your nostrils apart whilst the chilli equivalent of brain freeze assaults your head causing dizziness and an aversion to limbo dancing. 'Quite harmless' was one quote I remember the first time I had this stuff, 'it's a tad hot' is another, both were wildly inaccurate and moments later I was writhing around on the floor crying like a baby whilst sweat poured from every pore, flames came from my ears and smoke out of my nose.

I'm talking of course about traditional Jamaican Jerk seasoning, not the soft safe stuff but the real deal, the one that makes any food stand up like Chuck Norris and challenge you to a bare knuckle fight. It took me a while to get used to it, I had to start with the soft stuff and build up but now it's a staple on the BBQ to add to my chilli addiction. Why am I talking about this? I don't really know, ah, yes I do, I have been tracing a route through history all the way back to 1655 and the Maroons, communities of escaped slaves who either joined indigenous peoples or eked out a living on their own. All part of a new round of research to link origins of objects and inventions over a 500 year period.

It's already thrown up some surprising weird snippets along the way. Take Belgian Queen Henrietta, the wife of king Leopold II. She kept a pet Llama that was specifically taught to spit at anyone who stroked it. Or the word for toilet or lavatory which has progressed colourfully through the English language with such gusto each century having it's favourite name, 'Jakes' (16th century), Necessary House (17th century), Cackatorium (18th century) and onto 'Boghouse' (19th century). Incidentally, Germany has the most amusing name 'donnerbalken' roughly translated I believe as 'Thunder Board'. Tee-hee.

Even more surprisingly was the Newgate Prison records, the history of capital punishment, law and order and Scotland Yard, all things I had been linking until I found it all sailed close to home with a chap called Syd Dernley, who was Britains last surving hangman and run a post office in Mansfield not too far from my house.

Anyway, back to today and some yummy Jerk chicken for lunch, lot's of paperwork to sort out, a little to do in the studio after the weekends appearances before putting in some more serious hours from tomorrow. Incidentally we have added two new dates to the appearances, the first is Sunday 15th April, at Treeby And Bolton in Keswick, Cumbria and the second we have managed to shoehorn in is Sunday 17th June, Castle Galleries, Glasgow. This weekend coming we have The Acorn Gallery in Pocklington on Saturday 10th March and The Original Art Shop, Preston on Sunday 11th March, full listings are available on the updated website.

I'm off to jerk my chicken. Ooer!

Europlop

So Arnold Dorsey using the creative name of Engelbert Humperdinck is to stand for the UK in the Eurovision song contest this year, famed for taking occasional fashion risks and topping the UK chart for six weeks with Release Me I'm not too sure what he will do for our failing euro reputation but he can't do much worse than some of the other entries that has been fielded over the years.

I remember the grand old days of the contest during the 70's and early 80's when Europe was such a diverse arena that we chuckled our way through the prime time Saturday night Eurovision show listening to songs like Mil etter mil, by Jahn Teigen of Norway in 1978 or Nuku Pommiin, by Kojo, Finland in 1982, songs that looking back felt like they were designed to frighten elks. Everything seemed so 'foreign', even the costumes reflected the diversity. As for the Eurovision being a European contest even that causes controversy when in 1980 it got a bit creative and Morocco was included, work that one out.

Anyway, on our way to another bashing I had a look back at some of the worst entries that we had fielded during the Eurovisions golden years before it all became a little too serious and political voting started to take it's toll.

Only The Night, by Rikki came 13th in Brussels, 1987, it started with possibly the worst introduction too, here's the link should you wish to view. Viewers of a nervous disposition to 80's fashion may wish to look away.

One Step Further, by Bardo whilst not horrendously bad compared to most songs only managed 7th in 1982, taking into account the home advantage as the Eurovision came from Harrogate in that year it could be viewed as a double blow. Still, they did get on Cheggers Plays Pop and even appeared in the Christmas special of Top Of The Pops.

I could go on with Mary Ann, by Black Lace, 7th in 1979, a song that left such a scar, just like A Message To Your Heart by Samantha Janus, 10th in 1991 also nightmare fodder but it's not just the Eurovision that throws up such dubious songs. You only need to look at the charts over the years to see there really has been some awful records that managed to become incredibly popular.

Forgetting 'hit's' like There's No One Quite Like Grandma (St Winifreds School Choir) and Grandad (Clive Dunn) some of the hits charted on both sides of the Atlantic making them monster monster hits. Long-Haired Lover From Liverpool by Little Jimmy Osmond still haunts me to this day.

So I will leave you with this. If you have never seen or hear this before then please walk away now, like a banshee once heard it's never forgotten, once seen Little Jimmys pleading will be burned on your retina for ever. Should you need support after watching you can contact O.M.G.I.H.S.L.J.O.A.N.I.C.F.I. Our operators at 'Oh My God I Have Seen Little Jimmy Osmond And Now I Cannot Forget It' are waiting for your call.

All calls are dealt with in strict confidence, no information on your Osmond viewing habits will be divulged. We are trained professionals and promise not to laugh.

Much.

White Rabbits, White Rabbits, White Rabbits.

It's the first of March and according to folklore the best time to say white rabbit three times, although I think Mr Retriever has gotten it a little wrong. What do you think Mr Putty Tat?

 I think it's swell and deserves a big grin but ask my friend and Kit-ternet nerd Mr Whiskers Von Purr.

 Sorry, can't talk, busy, busy, busy. On the Kit-ternet nobody knows your a cat. Did you know the Kit-ternet is just a load of tubes filled with cats? No? And, and, and, we are all cats, even you. Talk to Alkycat he'll tell you the same...

 Ahhh, yooouuure all a load of wwwwwaaaannnnnttt moorrr beeeeeer. Burp. Whatcha doin, where am I. I'll ave eight ace and a teensy drop of rum. Naw get outa ere before I, before I, before I.... Zzzzzz.

 Lets ask Tomas the Kat Engine. Watch out disdain dog, here he comes!

Don't worry, I have found a safe place, now what's all this about white rabbits?

Drip

We noticed the kitchen tap had started to wobble slightly whenever you moved it's spout left or right. Visions of it suddenly coming completely off and spraying a fountain of water twenty feet into the air with me trying to plug it's new outlet with my thumb spurred me on to investigate the cause.

Under the kitchen sink is not the best place in the world. Firstly it contains all our cleaning products neatly tucked away, secondly it's always cold, don't ask me why but every sink I have been under has a distinct coldness as though it's haunted by a recently passed plug or something. Once clear though I could see the underside of the tap, the only problem was I couldn't make out what I was looking at.

I had expected to find a pipe or two for the water and a large nut to tighten it onto the sink, instead I found two pipes, three mini pipes with twists, a large nut that seemed to latch on to nothing and a long brass tube around two inches long. Even worse I had to lay on the floor to see this much and getting my hands too them across the rest of the pipes from the plughole and washer meant I had to perform a spiralling pirouette and flex my joints in a position that can only be described as excruciating.

Twisting various components trying to work out what to do I did manage to raise and lower the plug, disconnect the overflow and burn my fingers on the hot pipe at the same time. It took a while to figure it out as it dawned on me that the last thing I checked, the brass tube, was actually a mechanism to lock the tap to the sink.

Finding it was one thing, finding a tool to do the job was another. For a start it was completely smooth with no grip so using pliers and such was a no, no. At the end was a very small nut shape object around 2mm thick and of a shape that no tool I had would fit it. The inside was hollow so I couldn't shove anything in their either. My only hope was two small grooves cut opposite each other that look liked it could take a screwdriver. There followed a good twenty minutes of searching, checking and cursing every screwdriver I had as each one I tried felt like slipping a glass slipper on a horse.

The gap was massive, my screwdrivers were small. D.I.Y became D.I.Don't until I remembered Ralph. I don't know where Ralph came from but he is a very large flat blade screwdriver that doesn't get out much. I only remembered him because I used him on Bunnyopolis last year then placed him back in his dark corner. Ralph I was sure would do the job.

Well, to cut a long and possibly boring story short, Ralph did work, eventually. The length of Ralph made it incredibly difficult to work in the 3cm cubic space underneath the sink. I had to carefully thread him in followed by my hands then brace myself to get a good grip whilst the hot pipe burnt a new line across my wrists. At the point where my joints were on the verge of dislocation and maximum pain was achieved I felt Ralph turn and the tap tightened.

Phew. Remind me never to hide Ralph again and possibly never to consider being a plumber for a job.

Your Local Yellow Thompson

A long, long time ago, in a world far, far away there existed two tomes of information that was regarded with some reverence and formed part of every telephone table throughout the land. The first was the telephone directory, categorised into areas of the UK it acted like a paper version of Facebook except interaction was limited to, obviously, a telephone. Also friend requests using this method could be quite awkward I'd imagine and often led to the heavy breathing type of call regarded as unsavoury.

Anyway, I digress, the second tome was of course the Yellow Pages altered to fit into today's society with a new dumbed down and snappy version of it's name, Yell, which is essentially a loud, sharp cry and possibly the meaning of life or an exclamation of surprise or pain depending on how you view these things.

Yesterday our new slimmer, smaller and possibly more amusing 'Yell' landed on our doormat. Probably like most people today the Internet has become the source for finding such things as timber suppliers, tyre specialist and the like so in it's own way the new Yellow pages has become more of a local comfort, showcasing everything around you in one grand volume, a condensed slice of your community delivered straight to your door.

The strange thing that has happened though is the advertising has almost become too local and can sometimes read like an episode of 'That's Life' from the late 70's, a popular entertainment program that featured 'amusing' stories and newspaper errors and adverts. Let's take the new Yell and have a flick through it shall we?

This is the staple of the new directory, straight to the point. Problem with wasps? Then fear no more with Wasp-B-Gone, only £35. I wonder if that is for each wasp?

 Most adverts show pictures of their services, this particularly amused me, amongst the rats, wasps and cockroaches pictured these also apparently can banish telesales people too, I can only assume the OAP discounts they are referring to is to save OAP's money and not an offer to remove your OAP's at a reduced rate. Unless that's what the unmarked vehicles are for...

I though I had come across some strange dog stretching service until I realised it was for a vet, looks like they went a bit too far trying to fill their advertising space, I'm sure they don't grow like this, well at least not without getting an extra pair of legs for the middle three feet. 

 Ah, driving lessons, even these are suffering from a kind of mild mania. I had already come across one offering 'Amazing Prizes To Be Won!' as a promotion but if I needed one I would go with this. I'd love to test out the 'No Shouting GUARANTEED'. So let me get this straight, if I went 120mph the wrong way down the M1 wearing a blindfold and steering with my feet you would guarantee no shouting? Cool.

Intriguing is the next entries. Three different and no doubt reputable places to have your brum brum fixed, I'm just worried at the same guy working at all three on the same car with the same tool.

 Look, he's here again and on the same page too, obviously it was a problem that bugged him as he moved jobs.

 Still no joy with that pesky car, time for a more serious shot, get that tool working!

Hang on, what's this? Under takeaways, a vast section that in my location included more 'restaurants' than grains of sand on a beach and usually ran to a good two thirds of the book had changed. Now they thoughtfully listed entire menus! Wow! Now that's what I'm talking about.

Changed yes, for better I'm not sure but one thing is certain it gets 9/10 for pure entertainment and long may it prosper.