Video Killed The Flat Pack Star

My first experience of a flat pack was a cassette storage unit (remember cassettes? Primarily they were used to record the charts on Sunday night and were prone to getting eaten by your cassette recorder). It was a disaster, instructions written by a lunatic guided me through twenty tortuous steps involving nails, screws, glue, a few bits of flimsy hard board and a shredding of patience. I was left with a wobbling carousel holding a hundred cassettes that was prone to fall over regularly injuring small children and pets.

Household furniture was no better, a stereo unit, yes, I know that is old fashioned, never really fitted together correctly and finally lost its insides one night after loading it a little too heavily with LP's. Saggy bottoms or droopy drawers was the most common weakest point on most flat packs apart from the person constructing it that is. Instructions written in Cantonese and Danish only added to the confusion, you needed tools from Mr Greys box and always, always something was missing or the instructions showed something impossible to achieve without giving yourself a triple hernia or indeed getting arrested.

So imagine my dismay that the only office furniture we could find that was suitable was of the flat pack nature. My track record wasn't too hot so as I sat in front of five sturdy boxes and I felt a shudder run through my spine.

For a flat pack it was extremely neatly packed, every item had been carefully wrapped and every little screw, washer and bolt had been placed in little packets to aid identification. I gave a little shriek of delight as the instructions proved themselves to be of the readable variety and after a quick count not only was all the parts there but they had even thought to include spares and an assembly tool. My, how things had moved on.

So, two hours later everything was constructed, the instructions worked like a dream, everything fitted without injury or arrest and more importantly the things were so sturdy. I was impressed.

I still have that old cassette carousel somewhere in the murky heights of the loft, not long after its construction out came CD's requiring yet another storage system only to be followed by DVD cases, yet another storage nightmare. Thankfully in a digital age I no longer need a big wooden construction to flaunt my wares, just a degree in information technology, accounts with media providers, more equipment than they used in the first moon landing and a penchant to complain on how everything has changed since flat packs and cassette tapes.

Now, where's that video recorder the size of a battle ship? I must remember to record that old repeat of The Two Ronnies after I have used a bit of Sellotape to make it recordable again. There's a thought, I have never built a storage unit for my video tapes, I wonder if they will catch on, they are the latest craze apparently, imagine, being able to record television and get this, you can even rent films out.

How very decadent and rakish.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Swivelsick

Now that the new office has been decorated and the nasty grippers are covered up its time to buy some office furniture. It's all new to me, with choices ranging from corner swept curves to ergonomic drawer systems and cup holders it's actually quite daunting when all you want is a desk. I mean how difficult can it be?

Very apparently. Not many places have a showroom as most work from a catalogue that you order from but call me old fashioned I want to see what I'm getting. I think this all stems from when I was a child, I remember looking longingly at adverts in superhero comics of the day that promised untold fun and excitement with amazing products such as X-Ray glasses that allow you to see through skin, portable ghosts (they actually float!) sea monkeys and magic metal ( it moves on its own!). You quickly realise after spending your hard earned pocket money that disappointment in advertising took hold at a very young age.

The X-Ray glasses were a plastic and cardboard mockup that trapped a feather through the small viewing hole, looking through this when your hand is back lit gives the illusion of an X-ray vision, admittedly I actually bought it to see through clothes so the disappointment was double for me. Portable ghosts, fortunately for me was revealed on the popular television consumer show 'Thats Life' to be nothing more than a white balloon, a piece of cotton and a cheap bit of white tissue paper. Blow up the balloon, tie on the cotton, drape the paper over the top and wait until your victim approaches. A quick tug on the cotton and you 'ghost' starts to float. Priceless, or worthless depending on how easily amused you are.

Personally Sea Monkeys were no better for me, I'd imagine a little monkey world underwater with performing creatures that would entertain for hours, a bit difficult for brine shrimp to live up to expectations but apparently they are still quite popular. Magic metal though was something else, literally, it was iron filings and a magnet. Sprinkle them on a table and watch it move magically as you place the magnet underneath the table. Wow, I had more fun trying to get the coloured ring out of the colour TV screen after holding it up to it in experimentation. Cathode ray tubes apparently did work as magically and this circular hue lasted for several days after.

See, I don't want to be disappointed and end up with two orange crates and a sheet of chipboard after ordering the super deluxe office pal with ergonomic hand cut workstation and innovative assembly system.

The real reason though is to try all those swivel chairs out. Twenty six times around before being sick is my record, can you beat that?

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Gripping

Shopping for a bargain off cut in carpet emporiums is a daunting proposition. Firstly you have oodles of options, colour, pattern, short pile, shag, nylon, wool, the list is endless and secondly you have to enter through a door way that is festooned with balloons and garlands like you are going there for a party. There was so much celebratory material outside I half expected to be met by Coco the carpet clown and shown the recently carpeted bouncy castle whilst children run excitedly through tubes of carpet caves eating carpet cakes.

Ok, that was a bit over the top I'll admit but really why are carpet places always festooned in such gaiety? I checked, there was not a sale on, it was not a anniversary for anything at the store and it wasn't anybodys birthday. It is and will remain a mystery.

Grippers, that's what I want to talk about. How lethal are they? Taking up our old carpet revealed a multitude of sins as it became apparent it should have been replaced many, many years before. Part of the carpet was wedged under the door way on a particularly gripping bit of floor. Extracting carpet from the jaws of these boobytraps requires a deft touch, a touch I fail to have and inexplicably at some point I know I will catch a part of my anatomy on them. Strips of wood nailed to the floor, each with fifty small angled spikes is like something from the middle ages to stop mounted troops, why on earth are they there for carpets?, surely carpets don't have a habit of running away when your not looking so have to be pinned down. I know, I know, they stop the carpet moving, still don't like them.

As usual the carpet wouldn't budge from under the door frame, cutting it out wasn't an option as we needed the new carpet to fit perfectly and not have a tuff of green between that and the hallway. Tug. Tug. No movement. Maybe a new tactic, a forty five degree tug.

It worked, I say worked in its loosest terms as the carpet tore away from the strip with a ripping sound catapulting me backwards bottom first into the corner. That is where I found the gripper as it tore into my cheeks like a fish hook. If you have ever tried to get up from a gripper injury you will find how hard it is. The spikes point towards the wall so you are left with two choices, either retreat more towards the wall to ease them off which in my case was going to be difficult seeing as my backside was already pinned there or secondly grit your teeth and stand rather quickly ignoring any ripping sounds and sharp pain.

I chose the latter and I now have a nice row of 'teeth' marks in my bottom.

Try explaining that one at the swimming baths.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Trim

I noticed a few days ago a scattering of circular leaves had appeared on the decking. It wasn't obvious where they had come from but they did look like they had been carefully cut out by some kind of insect. A quick look around showed no obvious signs of anything that could have remotely caused it. The leaves looked a lot like privet hedge so it definitely didn't come from our garden or even the neighbours.

Jayne came out with a cup of coffee and we sat down on the bench opposite Bunnyopolis. Right at the back of my hearing I detected a feint murmuring, well, not exactly a murmur more of a low buzz. It was coming from the bench, but that's impossible I thought.

Just at that moment a bee flew by carrying a circular leaf. How peculiar.

I flipped the wooden bench upside down only to find that each screw hole had been sealed with a leaf. Looks like we have found our source of geometric leafery. A Leafcutter Bee, normally solitary had decided to set up a small colony by filling each screw hole with a cylinder of finely crafted leaves which at the bottom contained nectar and a small grub. You can see from the above picture that such an incredible amount of skill had gone into the construction of them and seeing as there were six of them it's took some time too.

I had never even heard of such bees, it's amazing to find such things in unexpected places. That night we were also treated to a fine Sun Dog.

A sun dog, also called a mock sun is a atmosphere phenomenon that creates bright spots of light often surrounded by rainbow colours beside the sun. The photo above is not the sun, that's out of shot over to the left, instead what you are left with is the result of light passing through ice crystals called diamond dust at exactly twenty two degrees. This particular one lasted a good ten minutes before finally giving way to a small rainbow coloured patch that slowly faded.

A strange old day.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Team GB are Go!

You kinda knew it would be about this today didn't you? It would be easy to say it was great, it would be even easier to say it was an expensive party that we paid for but wasn't invited to, instead I'm going to take a different approach. If you was organising it where would you start, after all it's only the third Olympics we have hosted since 1908 and in an age of bailouts, double dips and typical British critique it's a tough call.

It's a bit like how long is a piece of string, you have a stadium, thousands of people and a two and a half hour slot to entertain the world. Worrying isn't it? Admittedly there was things missing, the Red Arrows, Shakespeare ( apart from a quick quote ) and Basil Fawlty but watching disconnected from British society it was quite a spectacle.

Imagine pitching an idea to the Olympic committee along the lines of "Right, I want to cover the stadium in 7500 square metres of grass, corn and livestock creating Glastonbury Tor and have a thousand people doing rural things only to shoo them all away using Kenneth Branagh dressed as Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Next I want to replace them with a synchronised team of industrialists from beneath a tree that flies who raise massive smoking chimneys from the stadium floor to the beat of deaf classical percussionist Evelyn Glennieave before a river of molten metal fills the stadium and forges the Olympic rings which arrive smoking and sparking from the sky to produce the Olympic symbol that unites the world. Oh, and make sure we have a million watt sound system to deliver it all. I'm not finished though, clear them all away to the music of a signing choir of children singing the national anthem and open to celebrate Great Ormond Street Hospital, classic British literature and a way of life that most of the civilised world is envious of. I'd like to bring in a typical house and take the audience through three decades of music. Throw in James Bond and the Queen, JK Rowling, Dizzee Rascal, Mike Oldfield, Muhammed Ali, Mr Bean, The Arctic Monkeys, The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Paul McCartney. OK that last was was a mistake. Lol.

I can imagine being on the committee and thinking WTF? after Danny Boyle delivered this pitch. We are missing the point though, it's not about all that, it's not even about the money, although I know it could have been spent elsewhere, it's all about Great Britain. GREAT Britain. It's something we have forgotten about. The whole opening ceremony showcased everything that is great about our heritage, something we share with Scotland, Northern Island and Wales.

An Isles of Wonder show it really was and as an advert for the UK it did its job admirably, with an audience of four billion did we really want a shoddy show?

Go Team GB!

Paul McCartney was still a mistake though, I'll give you that.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Helpful

The Olympics has thrust the UK onto the main stage for millions of people so for the 200 countries taking part here's a quick handy pocket guide to the United Kingdom.

You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.

Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.

Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.

The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.

Expect rain.

Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.

It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.

Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :

A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.

Six eggs and one chicken.

Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.

A football signed by a premier footballer.

A flask of tea and crumpets.

A travelling rug.

One Carry On Film DVD

A Corgi called Colin.

Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.

Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.

To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.

Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.

That's it for today's handy pocket guide bought to you by the UK Borest Tord, all information contained in this valuable guide can be purchased in a handy paperback form for two pounds of broccoli at your nearest police station.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Tales Of The Unexplained

There are days when the Internet seems to have gone on a bad trip and it's all just a load of connected tubes full of cats. Take today for instance, this was the first photo I saw, I have sooooo many questions already... How? Why? And more Importantly where did you get that fantastic bath hat? It soon slipped into disturbing though when a recommendation on the app store threw this my way.

How could I not be tempted to download this free app? Cat Dance Party, does it get any better than this?

Well, it's not bad but I was hoping for Caturday Night Fever and Flashcat or at least an appearance from John Travoltacat strutting his funky stuff surely things cannot get any more weird, I mean it's not even 9am yet.

Oh my. It's for real! Not sure if the bloke an the front is impressed or he is doing his best cat expression. Anyway whilst we are at it you can try a cat hand. What is a cat hand I hear you say, well it's when you hold your arm at waist level and tilt your wrist, very much like when a cat is ready to bat something. I didn't know about cat handing until it was pointed out to me just how many people do it without realising, true enough I was walking up the stairs the other day and looked down, yes, I too was cat handing. Apparently if you do both hands at the same time is called something completely different. Allegedly.

Mixed in with all this catastrophic paraphernalia was a new supermarket game, this ingenious fellow has decided to add his own categories to the shelves, never mind using spice jars to spell rude words why not go the whole hog...

Wonder how they would handle this at the till?

Ha!

This one is a little cruel though, can you imagine more cruel reality card sections. Birthday (realistic) "It's your birthday" on the front and waiting inside is "so what. It's just another day in your boring life, get over it" or 60th (realistic) "Congratulations! You're 60!" open it up to reveal "It gets worse and you will smell of wee"

Ouch!

Now this is a new game to get your teeth in to, creative explicit DIY displays, some serious work has gone into this one, I mean who would have thought of this? Whatever next? Wouldn't it be cool if they flashed on and off to music. Don't even tell me what you could do with a shower attachment and two ballcocks. DIY stores will never be the same again, it's already difficult enough asking for screws.

There are some things on the net better left unexplained, this is one of them. You have heard of Willy Wonkas great glass elevator well this goes one better and leaves no stone unturned. Urgh.

I'm off for a lay down and it's still not 9am yet. Damn you internet!

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Moving

For the first time in the last ten years I'm sat in a dedicated studio to work rather than the dining room and it feels... different. For a start I can make as much mess as possible, I don't run the risk of transferring paint to household furniture and I have enough space to add in a few book shelves and extra storage. I even have a better view of Bunnyopolis to see Aaran, Jura and Iona cavorting around to help battle the solitary environment most artists work in when creating. Previously the Impossimals had taken over four rooms around our house making it difficult to avoid them when trying to switch off at the end of a day so this was long overdue.

So today is my first day in the new studio, with a long list of jobs to do it looks like I'm going to be kept quite busy over the next few months, painting and designing sets, writing copious amounts of stories and carrying on compiling the background stories to all the paintings. My old studio, the dining room, is going to be converted into an office so I can flit between them both as required, it just needs a few more filing cabinets and a extra desk then all the equipment can be moved and fitted in a purpose built environment freeing up a bedroom and allowing us to turn it back into a useable space that guests can stay in.

It's amazing how much stuff was crammed into one room though that only became apparent as we unloaded stuff. After sorting it all out it seemed logical to organise it according to use so now I have an area for model making and sculpture, one for painting and another for writing and animation which is exactly where I'm sat now writing this.

The easel beckons, looks like I'm in for a long day.

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Heart Of The Family

Looking back through the blog I realised I haven't updated you on the latest Impossimals to come out of the studio for a long time so today I'll thought I would show you a new step by step guide to a piece from a few months ago called 'Heart Of The Family' remastered. Remastered refers to the technique to produce the piece as each remastered Impossimal gets its own sculpture beforehand allowing a more accurate portrayal of the Impossimal world.

As you can see above, it all started with a small plasticine model and a red glass heart.

From this I needed to understand what colours I was going to use so I painted several quick colour sketches using oil paint thinned with Liquin on an old board until I was happy with the balance.

From this I then prepared a board using an acrylic base to help the colours warm through, yellow suited the green I was using and also complimented the yellow/brown of the Impossimals stripes. I quickly sketched everything out and placed in the background and shadows roughly.

Next I blocked in the white areas adding in the shading as I went along. To give a sense of depth I painted the heart in fully paying attention to the reflections in the glass, it was to be the centre point so needed to look as perfect as I could manage at this stage. Notice I have added a shadow near the nose on the right Impossimal, it's easier to add it at this stage before I put all the colour in.

Next was a base coat of colour which was allowed to dry overnight then I applied the graduation using a combination of hard and soft brushes.

As these built up over the following days you can notice that the colours start to get an intensity that you cannot achieve straight from the tube. By this time the heart had been given at least six extra coats and the Impossimals trademark stripes were beginning to look more 3D.

"Heart Of The Family"

So here it is, finished. I added the toy on the left at the very end and a final purple glaze over the entire painting gave it a lustre and finish adding to the realism. This piece was sold earlier this year at our appearance in Stratford and I was a little sad to see it go as I am with most of my pieces especially after you have lived with them for so long in their creation.

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Tonnage

The final appearance of the Lost Impossimal tour finished in Cardiff with a superbly sunny day and an amazing appearance to boot at Castle Galleries in Mermaid Quay on Saturday. We arrived early so we could take a boat bus to the centre of Cardiff but having just missed the 10:30am slot decided instead to try the 45 minute bay cruise.

Little did we know that our skipper was a potential Rob Brydon tribute act who treated us to a very somber outward journey with a indepth narrative about coal tonnage, delivery and mine statistics only to completely change his patter as we approached the turning point.

"And here we have the White Water centre on the right, if you look to one side you will see people, tourists even enjoying a cup of coffee, or maybe tea, I don't really know if they are enjoying themselves I'm just assuming. You can see them smiling. Some of the lucky ones may have a fried breakfast whilst others have a nice little cake. I'd love a cooked breakfast myself but I'm driving the boat."

He went on...

"...and the water has been switched on, so if you all stand up you can see the white water. It's not much to look at I'll admit, it does see some action but not very often. Bit like me really."

Our skipper on the subject of pipes...

"it goes under that boat there, or maybe it doesn't. It's red any way. The pipe I mean and it comes out near those houses. They are not really houses are they, more like flats. Flat packed flats. Bit of an eyesore really."

He seemed to like the word really and his voice seemed to hang at the end of every 'really', we half expected a lush to creep in but we were disappointed and we made our way back into Cardiff Bay at an araf speed. See what I did there?

Next stop was the toilets, I was anxious, I didn't want a repeat of the naked men from last time so I gingerly opened the door and looked in. Empty. The walls were still paper thin and you could hear everything happening in the ladies from the mens side and I assume vice versa. It's a bit disconcerting at first because with the way it echos you assume the noise is from your side and then spook yourself when you realise all the cubicles are empty convincing yourself it's a phantom pooper. It's only when you walk around the toilets that your hearing adjusts and it all becomes clear. Suppose the gentleman that did come in as I was listening to one of the doors to check my theory was concerned, he certainly looked worried and nearly turned back but I made a quick exit to avoid suspicion.

So back to finishing off erecting the summerhouse whilst this sun lasts and enjoy Britains annual summer week before Autumn returns on Friday.

Todays blog was bought to you by Rain. Official weather of the Olympic Games.

 

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The DR16 Is Connected To The GH26

It did look a lot different when it arrived, no longer did it look like the garden summer house in the photo but rather more like the worlds most complex 3D jigsaw. With over 600 parts to assemble I think the estimate of two men and one day in the instructions is a little optimistic. So yesterday we were both stood in the garage wondering where to start, or indeed when to start building it.

Delivery was a different matter altogether, two delivery people arrived with one flatbed lorry, our load was at the bottom of a very large pile of heavy wood, not the smartest way to pack a delivery that was one of the first to be off loaded so immediately they had a problem as the weight of the other loads was too heavy to be lifted by two people. After an amusing episode that I watched with slack jaw they used various objects to lever the weight off our load which cumulated in a case of four tins of tomatoes getting crushed and a close call at decapitation. Don't ask. Please, don't ask, all I can say is they were new and had not delivered these items before. Yes, they were our tins of tomatoes too.

Then comes the long task of checking everything is there and you just know that something vital is going to be missing. 1,2,3... and so it went until I had a little list of ticked boxes with marks for missing bits and extra bits. Not bad, pretty much everything there all in batches numbered 1 to 30 with each number having a .1, .2 etc to break it down further not that any of this mattered as I picked up the construction instructions.

It made me feel like this poor chap, all the instructions used a letter and number system. Doh!

So this morning I am translating part number 13.1 to SD16 and 2.5 to WG903 whilst trying to decipher the ambigious instructions, just hope I have got them the right way up otherwise we are going to get a boat instead. Hang on, what a great idea, build an ark, if today's weather is anything to go by we're going to need it!

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Grim Grind Gone For Good

Recently we bought a mini mixer/chopper for the kitchen, it wasn't expensive but it promised to do everything we needed which in our case was to primarily blitz garlic and ginger or tomato into a workable pulp. It looked the part but after using it several times it had a few drawbacks. Firstly it had a ridiculous mechanism that had to be locked in place to work. The bowl had to be twisted in, the blade inserted and locked followed by the lid which again had to be twisted into the correct position. That's three safety devices to ensure you don't lose your fingers and end up with a useless dibber instead.

I understand where they are coming from but please do we really have to have a lengthy set of things to do before you can operate it? How about just including the device in the lid, a much more simpler method and I'm sure as safe as the other two. Anyway the point is that after only four or five times the safety mechanism broke rendering it useless. Natch.

Let's go back to my childhood, in the 70's kitchen devices were made to be lethal, forget safety, it didn't exist, kitchen appliances felt dangerous, felt professional and felt well built too. We had chippers that required a whack of a fist to drive a spud through a square cutter, electric knives that doubled up as power saws and mandolins without finger guards. Even out of the kitchen some of the gadgets that could be bought included a glass cutter to turn beer bottles into ashtrays, a do it yourself barber kit that comprised of a comb that you loaded with razor blades, I remember one occasion at the local market where a stall had gathered quite a crowd as a chap threw tomatoes into the air only to slice them in half ninja style with one of the most wickedest looking kitchen knives I had ever seen' I'm sure it was called a Rambo Bread Blade or something like that. He then went on to tackle cutting a shoe in two and slicing a metal tin and a piece of wood. Boy were these things lethal. Fortunately I didn't have enough pocket money at the time or I might have turned out a knife wielding psycho killer instead that chipped his victims and turned them into novelty ashtrays. Safety? What safety?

The photo above is one of those lethal devices that we still own, and the reason for still owning such a grubby piece of equipment? It works, no faff, no setting up, just plug in and go. Admittedly you can run it without the lid on exposing its lethal blades and the wiring leaves a lot to be desired but after 30 years it still works, chops and does exactly what it should without breaking down. So yesterday I decided to test it out a little and tried a few random things.

Peanuts grind down fine into a nice mushy paste whilst coffee grounds, if you leave the lid off, require a mop and bucket and possibly a stepladder to clean up afterwards. Ice makes a pleasant grinder sound whilst raw meat gives a zombie film sound effect. Bic pens splinter and coat the inside blue, bit difficult to clean after that but on I ventured with frozen peas and plastic soldiers.

See all ready throwing aside safety I was having more fun, so if you are looking for any kitchen appliances and want to fun up your kitchen duties with an electrical version of risk ditch all those fancy safe goods and raid your charity shops and flea markets. Be scared of your microwave with a crack in the door, throw items from a distance into the rotating blade chopper without a lid and see if you can poke your finger in and out of the egg beater whilst it's rotating, I did and I can hold all six fingers I the air to prove what fun I had.

*Suggestions are for fun only unless you wish to lose limbs, fingers, eyesight or relish a visit to A&E every mealtime. I am a trained grinding professional and all the grinding of unusual items was done with the appropriate safety devices in place, basically I dropped stuff in and ran then cleaned up afterwards. If anyone finds my other fingers pop them in the post and mail them to Found Fingerbobs, Limb-B-Gone, PO Box 736.

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The Girl With Colitis Goes By

Have you ever been singing to a song only to realise in front of friends that all this time you have been singing the wrong lyrics? I believe in molecules, where you from you sexy thing stood in for Hot Chocolates I believe in miracles for many a year until one fateful I'll get my coat night. It seems as though it's not just me though as a quick look around the internet has thrown up tons more, some far worse than a molecule error.

So pop pickers here's a hastily put together top ten twisted lyrics in reverse orde and with no expense I have included a 'pop' video too!

10. "I believe that the hotdogs go on" from the movie Titanic.

9. "She's got style, she's got grace, she's a wiener." - She's A Lady by Tom Jones

8. "My anus has the centre holed." - Centrefold by J. Geils Band

7. "Like a virgin touched for the thirty first time." - Like A Virgin by Madonna

6. "We built this city on logs and coal" - We Built This City On Rock And Roll by Starship

5. "Hold me closer Tony Danza." - Tiny Dancer by Elton John

4. "She was a fax machine, she kept her modem clean." - You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC

3. "I wanna freak out and stab ya." - Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band

2. "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen" - Dancing Queen by Abba

1. "Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove." - Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer

Some records just do it themselves though, take this Manfred Man classic...

There she was just a-walkin' down the street, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"

Snappin' her fingers and shufflin' her feet, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"

...doesn't sound much of a catch does she, I'd give her a wide berth mate.

Time for some Bachman Turner Overdrive. Rock on mateys!

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Starkers

With the latest paintings finished and delivered to my publishers our attention has turned to other things recently, primarily moving the studio and reorganising our working environment for the better. It's easy to let everything get a bit cluttered, especially when working in it everyday so it's time for a clear out. Out has gone old brushes, bits of cardboard, loose rolls of wire (why did I have that?) and assorted other oddments that have found their way into all the wrong places. I even found a comb. Now that's weird because the last time I used a comb was probably the last time I had hair, somewhere around the age of nine if I remember and even then it was a comb over. I do believe I also owned an Afro comb at one point too but I can't for the life of me think when I had an Afro. Or enough hair for that matter.

Now where was I going with all this, ah, yes, this weekend Saturday 21st is our last gallery appearance at Castle Galleries, Mermaid Quay, Cardiff Bay between 1-4pm so if you're nearby pop in for a chat only this time there will not be three naked men in the toilet (I checked, the last time I was there an Iron Man event was taking place and I was unfortunate enough to walk in on three naked men vigorously towelling themselves down all with one leg up on the wash basin, they even said 'hello boyo' forcing me to look. Awkward) AND I will not shout though the toilet walls like last time (I honestly thought it was Jayne and not the unfortunate individual in the next cubicle. Awkward.) With that image burned on my retina I'm sure there's a painting in there somewhere.

Then again, maybe not.

Urg.

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