Comic

After finding a few things the other day it set me off wanting to discover just what else I had tucked away for a rainy day. In the loft is a box I packed many many years ago when I left home, now was the time to open this little time capsule.

 

Joy! inside was my comic collection, all wrapped up although not in perfect condition. Sat on top was Star Wars Weekly from 1979, quite a comic of its time as over the course of its publication it managed to serialise all the Star Wars films and include some rather obscure adverts such as one in the first issue that proudly boasts 'Now See The Film At Home' what it really advertised was a K6 Silent Max Cine Projector for £19.95 and the chance to own a Black and White Silent 200' spool of approximate 8 minutes showing highlights from the film. Probably required a healthy dose of imagination to recreate that cinema experience but with video thin on the ground this was the best you was going to get.

Now a strange one, a comic edited by a Thargian, namely Tharg, the almighty 2000AD. This became a staple of my week with its incredibly artwork, story lines and of course the ever powerful Judge Dredd, which incidentally didn't appear until the second issue. Wish I had kept my Free Space Spinner though.

Going further back in time bought us to mighty Marvel, this issue from 1973 contained many odd items like a column dedicated to Stan Lee sounding off, adverts to convert you into a real He-Man and an unlikely villain for Daredevil in the guise of the malevolent menace of the Masked Matador which basically involved flicking around an overly large towel and taking a poke at Daredevil with a play sword that breaks on impact with anything harder than cheese. Still, kept me entertained.

The oldest item from this collection has to be the Disneyland Magazine from 1971, as far as I'm aware it was the first ever official UK magazine dedicated to Disney and although mine is a little battered It still stands the test of time with its characters, story telling and of course it's excellent artwork which at this time reflected accurately what the whole Disney experience was all about.

Just need to sort out my Shiver and Shakes, Whoopie, Whizzer and Chips, Cheeky and Mad Magazines, looks like I'm going to be here a long, long time...

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Sraw Rats

Sorting out a load of old magazines as part of my studio shift unearthed a few surprises that I had completely forgotten about. In 1979 I was in a local model shop when I noticed a special publication, for a whopping £1.50 you could by this sacred tome and learn how to model the famous spaceships you saw on the silver screen exactly as they appeared in the films and indeed real life in some cases. The list of spacecraft spanned many years, from Buck Rogers El Dorado to X-Wings, Tie Fighters and the Enterprise all the way to reality with Saturn V and the Orbiter.

Not only that, it went into detail on how to make everything look as realistic as possible using technical drawings and innovative techniques for the time, things such as adding fibre optics to the Battlestar Galactica Vipers, panel scribing to remove rough edges and add in extra details, in some cases they offer alternative constructions such as converting the starship Enterprise into a tug.

All nerdy I suppose but it was quite interesting to read all the studio notes contained, for example to show you just how nerdy it got, did you know the X-Wing Fighter is 29-foot long with a 25-foot wingspan, quad fuel burning rockes with air intakes... You get the picture.

Then I saw this. The Death Stars planet smashing laser canon and everything made sense. Forget Darth Vader and all that smoke screen, the Death Star was just a cover name, it's real name is Earth. What you are looking at is the Hadron Collider, we ARE the Death Star. Cool.

Set the phasors to kill captin' we have some planets to smash, a galactic princess to save and we all get to wear black and strut around breathing heavily.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Build It

I realised I had never done a celebratory piece for special occasions and as it was a friends wedding coming up I decided to capture their special day the Impossimal way. It started off with this massive sculpture built out of plaster, cardboard, cocktail sticks and plenty of plasticine, it weighed an absolute ton.

But it gave me the desired look and feel that I was after and more importantly it allowed me to get the lighting just right as I also had the idea of gold heart shaped confetti to fall from above and a ray of light cast across from the top right.

So I began with a scaled sketch and painted in the pale background allowing me to show off the cake to its best, a neutral table was added and a few sprinkling of confetti to see how they work.

For the next step I needed to layer the cake making sure everything has its correct tone and colour, white icing for example has to have a grey undertone to make it look realistic. You can see I used photographs to get it to look right, one is turned upside down, this aids your brain to work out accurate lighting, most of my paintings are worked on upside down at some stage.

Once all the layers are in place then I can add in the Impossimals, detail and plenty of confetti, all followed with a week of glazing to get that final sheen to the piece.

Finished! Quite simply its just called 'Celebration' and its an original only but I'm sure it would have made a nice print :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Four and Three Quarter Inches Long

Toilet paper rubs me up the wrong way. Let me rephrase that, toilet paper is on the decline, for what is essentially a staple of the British household over the years it's changed and not necessarily for the better either. But let's start at the beginning and my first memories of a toilet roll. It may seem like an odd thing to blog about but I remember medicated toilet paper, a strange slippy stuff that came in unattached squares and crackled into lots of sharp edges so you could paper cut your bottom as much as you would like. It was often favoured by pubs and restaurants who obviously decided it was probably best to use this stuff when off ones trolley so to speak.

Next came a bit of luxury when lo and behold the first quilted paper was introduced, it was generous too, slightly larger rolls with bigger squares all thoughtfully joined together so small puppies could grab it and drag it around the house for you. On a different note they never did pan away on those commercials did they to show you the man with his trousers around his ankles desperately trying to catch the little mutt.

This was of course the toilet paper we know today but ever since the introduction of quilted rolls two things have happened. First it's started to become by weight, more expensive than petrol and secondly in each and every way it's shrinking.

I didn't realise that every roll of toilet paper has gone through many vigorous tests, things like water absorption, softness and even finger-breakthrough resistance. Yes, that last one made me gip too. I'd like to add another category, cheapness. Our usual roll has metamorphasized from a nice chunky 240 sheets to a miserly 175, not only that the sheet size has gradually shrunk too and over the years we have lost a few square centimetres. It doesn't sound a lot but add it all together and on any given roll it amounts to nearly a 7.8m loss of loo comfort. That's a lot of surface area and in the same period the price has tripled.

Finally today they have reached rock bottom so to speak, it's moved from 3ply to 2ply and with it replaced the softness with a roughness akin to using wire wool and dettol.

Ugh.

I just hope that the finger breakage tests held out!

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Making Living Life Laughable Direct

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Can be worn over spectacles!

 

The hip design of these designer inspired unisex spectacular spectacles are on the cutting edge of fashion. Protecting your eyes with our cheap bit of plastic will afford you no extra protection at all, we guarantee! With side arms that will fit no human comfortably and a nose rest that only Pinocchio would enjoy you will be the talk of the town at dinner parties, swish events and even shopping at the supermarket. Realised in sleek black plastic and finished with two small screws to hold it all together the craftsmanship needs to be seen to be believed. Great also for water sports, skiing, jogging or for the more adventurous, walking. They even make ideal driving glasses making sure you get that extra special wink at traffic lights.

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Wide eyed and simply adorable is some of the words used to describe the heart melting precious ornament. Who could fail to smile when they see this aspirational decoration adorning your mantle piece or coffee table. Creating a striking addition to any decor this Chirpy Guitar Playing Plastic Tart is beautifully finished with realistic detail. As a bonus the eyes have been skilfully painted with luminous paint to glow in the dark so you never need to not see it again. It has been described as once seen never forgotten, it really is that good!

 

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A simple way to store all your loose change and dead wasps this attractive Wasp-O-Changeamatic with delightful fat doll motif will keep all your deceased wasps and pocket shrapnel safe. Not only that but the handy divider (NOT SUPPLIED) stops them all getting jumbled up avoiding unnecessary annoyance. Used in combination with our Wasp Scissors (CUT WASPS IN HALF, QUARTERS, AND EVEN 4/5th's!) for neater storage solutions. Automatically groups coins together and even helps count them for you. (SIMPLY POUR OUT THE CONTENTS, REMOVE WASPS AND COUNT CHANGE, IT REALLY IS THAT EASY!) when you have no dead wasps to store or you have run out of loose change it can also be used as a handy receptacle for pens, an attractive vase for flowers or an emergency container if you are caught short.

 

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Today's blog was bought to you by MLLL Direct, a subsidiary of MLLLLLL Direct, owner of established brand MLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL Direct the creator of Spankaspider the worlds first spider repeller to use a hammer and butane gas.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Video Killed The Flat Pack Star

My first experience of a flat pack was a cassette storage unit (remember cassettes? Primarily they were used to record the charts on Sunday night and were prone to getting eaten by your cassette recorder). It was a disaster, instructions written by a lunatic guided me through twenty tortuous steps involving nails, screws, glue, a few bits of flimsy hard board and a shredding of patience. I was left with a wobbling carousel holding a hundred cassettes that was prone to fall over regularly injuring small children and pets.

Household furniture was no better, a stereo unit, yes, I know that is old fashioned, never really fitted together correctly and finally lost its insides one night after loading it a little too heavily with LP's. Saggy bottoms or droopy drawers was the most common weakest point on most flat packs apart from the person constructing it that is. Instructions written in Cantonese and Danish only added to the confusion, you needed tools from Mr Greys box and always, always something was missing or the instructions showed something impossible to achieve without giving yourself a triple hernia or indeed getting arrested.

So imagine my dismay that the only office furniture we could find that was suitable was of the flat pack nature. My track record wasn't too hot so as I sat in front of five sturdy boxes and I felt a shudder run through my spine.

For a flat pack it was extremely neatly packed, every item had been carefully wrapped and every little screw, washer and bolt had been placed in little packets to aid identification. I gave a little shriek of delight as the instructions proved themselves to be of the readable variety and after a quick count not only was all the parts there but they had even thought to include spares and an assembly tool. My, how things had moved on.

So, two hours later everything was constructed, the instructions worked like a dream, everything fitted without injury or arrest and more importantly the things were so sturdy. I was impressed.

I still have that old cassette carousel somewhere in the murky heights of the loft, not long after its construction out came CD's requiring yet another storage system only to be followed by DVD cases, yet another storage nightmare. Thankfully in a digital age I no longer need a big wooden construction to flaunt my wares, just a degree in information technology, accounts with media providers, more equipment than they used in the first moon landing and a penchant to complain on how everything has changed since flat packs and cassette tapes.

Now, where's that video recorder the size of a battle ship? I must remember to record that old repeat of The Two Ronnies after I have used a bit of Sellotape to make it recordable again. There's a thought, I have never built a storage unit for my video tapes, I wonder if they will catch on, they are the latest craze apparently, imagine, being able to record television and get this, you can even rent films out.

How very decadent and rakish.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Swivelsick

Now that the new office has been decorated and the nasty grippers are covered up its time to buy some office furniture. It's all new to me, with choices ranging from corner swept curves to ergonomic drawer systems and cup holders it's actually quite daunting when all you want is a desk. I mean how difficult can it be?

Very apparently. Not many places have a showroom as most work from a catalogue that you order from but call me old fashioned I want to see what I'm getting. I think this all stems from when I was a child, I remember looking longingly at adverts in superhero comics of the day that promised untold fun and excitement with amazing products such as X-Ray glasses that allow you to see through skin, portable ghosts (they actually float!) sea monkeys and magic metal ( it moves on its own!). You quickly realise after spending your hard earned pocket money that disappointment in advertising took hold at a very young age.

The X-Ray glasses were a plastic and cardboard mockup that trapped a feather through the small viewing hole, looking through this when your hand is back lit gives the illusion of an X-ray vision, admittedly I actually bought it to see through clothes so the disappointment was double for me. Portable ghosts, fortunately for me was revealed on the popular television consumer show 'Thats Life' to be nothing more than a white balloon, a piece of cotton and a cheap bit of white tissue paper. Blow up the balloon, tie on the cotton, drape the paper over the top and wait until your victim approaches. A quick tug on the cotton and you 'ghost' starts to float. Priceless, or worthless depending on how easily amused you are.

Personally Sea Monkeys were no better for me, I'd imagine a little monkey world underwater with performing creatures that would entertain for hours, a bit difficult for brine shrimp to live up to expectations but apparently they are still quite popular. Magic metal though was something else, literally, it was iron filings and a magnet. Sprinkle them on a table and watch it move magically as you place the magnet underneath the table. Wow, I had more fun trying to get the coloured ring out of the colour TV screen after holding it up to it in experimentation. Cathode ray tubes apparently did work as magically and this circular hue lasted for several days after.

See, I don't want to be disappointed and end up with two orange crates and a sheet of chipboard after ordering the super deluxe office pal with ergonomic hand cut workstation and innovative assembly system.

The real reason though is to try all those swivel chairs out. Twenty six times around before being sick is my record, can you beat that?

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Gripping

Shopping for a bargain off cut in carpet emporiums is a daunting proposition. Firstly you have oodles of options, colour, pattern, short pile, shag, nylon, wool, the list is endless and secondly you have to enter through a door way that is festooned with balloons and garlands like you are going there for a party. There was so much celebratory material outside I half expected to be met by Coco the carpet clown and shown the recently carpeted bouncy castle whilst children run excitedly through tubes of carpet caves eating carpet cakes.

Ok, that was a bit over the top I'll admit but really why are carpet places always festooned in such gaiety? I checked, there was not a sale on, it was not a anniversary for anything at the store and it wasn't anybodys birthday. It is and will remain a mystery.

Grippers, that's what I want to talk about. How lethal are they? Taking up our old carpet revealed a multitude of sins as it became apparent it should have been replaced many, many years before. Part of the carpet was wedged under the door way on a particularly gripping bit of floor. Extracting carpet from the jaws of these boobytraps requires a deft touch, a touch I fail to have and inexplicably at some point I know I will catch a part of my anatomy on them. Strips of wood nailed to the floor, each with fifty small angled spikes is like something from the middle ages to stop mounted troops, why on earth are they there for carpets?, surely carpets don't have a habit of running away when your not looking so have to be pinned down. I know, I know, they stop the carpet moving, still don't like them.

As usual the carpet wouldn't budge from under the door frame, cutting it out wasn't an option as we needed the new carpet to fit perfectly and not have a tuff of green between that and the hallway. Tug. Tug. No movement. Maybe a new tactic, a forty five degree tug.

It worked, I say worked in its loosest terms as the carpet tore away from the strip with a ripping sound catapulting me backwards bottom first into the corner. That is where I found the gripper as it tore into my cheeks like a fish hook. If you have ever tried to get up from a gripper injury you will find how hard it is. The spikes point towards the wall so you are left with two choices, either retreat more towards the wall to ease them off which in my case was going to be difficult seeing as my backside was already pinned there or secondly grit your teeth and stand rather quickly ignoring any ripping sounds and sharp pain.

I chose the latter and I now have a nice row of 'teeth' marks in my bottom.

Try explaining that one at the swimming baths.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Trim

I noticed a few days ago a scattering of circular leaves had appeared on the decking. It wasn't obvious where they had come from but they did look like they had been carefully cut out by some kind of insect. A quick look around showed no obvious signs of anything that could have remotely caused it. The leaves looked a lot like privet hedge so it definitely didn't come from our garden or even the neighbours.

Jayne came out with a cup of coffee and we sat down on the bench opposite Bunnyopolis. Right at the back of my hearing I detected a feint murmuring, well, not exactly a murmur more of a low buzz. It was coming from the bench, but that's impossible I thought.

Just at that moment a bee flew by carrying a circular leaf. How peculiar.

I flipped the wooden bench upside down only to find that each screw hole had been sealed with a leaf. Looks like we have found our source of geometric leafery. A Leafcutter Bee, normally solitary had decided to set up a small colony by filling each screw hole with a cylinder of finely crafted leaves which at the bottom contained nectar and a small grub. You can see from the above picture that such an incredible amount of skill had gone into the construction of them and seeing as there were six of them it's took some time too.

I had never even heard of such bees, it's amazing to find such things in unexpected places. That night we were also treated to a fine Sun Dog.

A sun dog, also called a mock sun is a atmosphere phenomenon that creates bright spots of light often surrounded by rainbow colours beside the sun. The photo above is not the sun, that's out of shot over to the left, instead what you are left with is the result of light passing through ice crystals called diamond dust at exactly twenty two degrees. This particular one lasted a good ten minutes before finally giving way to a small rainbow coloured patch that slowly faded.

A strange old day.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Team GB are Go!

You kinda knew it would be about this today didn't you? It would be easy to say it was great, it would be even easier to say it was an expensive party that we paid for but wasn't invited to, instead I'm going to take a different approach. If you was organising it where would you start, after all it's only the third Olympics we have hosted since 1908 and in an age of bailouts, double dips and typical British critique it's a tough call.

It's a bit like how long is a piece of string, you have a stadium, thousands of people and a two and a half hour slot to entertain the world. Worrying isn't it? Admittedly there was things missing, the Red Arrows, Shakespeare ( apart from a quick quote ) and Basil Fawlty but watching disconnected from British society it was quite a spectacle.

Imagine pitching an idea to the Olympic committee along the lines of "Right, I want to cover the stadium in 7500 square metres of grass, corn and livestock creating Glastonbury Tor and have a thousand people doing rural things only to shoo them all away using Kenneth Branagh dressed as Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Next I want to replace them with a synchronised team of industrialists from beneath a tree that flies who raise massive smoking chimneys from the stadium floor to the beat of deaf classical percussionist Evelyn Glennieave before a river of molten metal fills the stadium and forges the Olympic rings which arrive smoking and sparking from the sky to produce the Olympic symbol that unites the world. Oh, and make sure we have a million watt sound system to deliver it all. I'm not finished though, clear them all away to the music of a signing choir of children singing the national anthem and open to celebrate Great Ormond Street Hospital, classic British literature and a way of life that most of the civilised world is envious of. I'd like to bring in a typical house and take the audience through three decades of music. Throw in James Bond and the Queen, JK Rowling, Dizzee Rascal, Mike Oldfield, Muhammed Ali, Mr Bean, The Arctic Monkeys, The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Paul McCartney. OK that last was was a mistake. Lol.

I can imagine being on the committee and thinking WTF? after Danny Boyle delivered this pitch. We are missing the point though, it's not about all that, it's not even about the money, although I know it could have been spent elsewhere, it's all about Great Britain. GREAT Britain. It's something we have forgotten about. The whole opening ceremony showcased everything that is great about our heritage, something we share with Scotland, Northern Island and Wales.

An Isles of Wonder show it really was and as an advert for the UK it did its job admirably, with an audience of four billion did we really want a shoddy show?

Go Team GB!

Paul McCartney was still a mistake though, I'll give you that.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Helpful

The Olympics has thrust the UK onto the main stage for millions of people so for the 200 countries taking part here's a quick handy pocket guide to the United Kingdom.

You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.

Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.

Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.

The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.

Expect rain.

Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.

It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.

Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :

A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.

Six eggs and one chicken.

Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.

A football signed by a premier footballer.

A flask of tea and crumpets.

A travelling rug.

One Carry On Film DVD

A Corgi called Colin.

Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.

Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.

To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.

Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.

That's it for today's handy pocket guide bought to you by the UK Borest Tord, all information contained in this valuable guide can be purchased in a handy paperback form for two pounds of broccoli at your nearest police station.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Tales Of The Unexplained

There are days when the Internet seems to have gone on a bad trip and it's all just a load of connected tubes full of cats. Take today for instance, this was the first photo I saw, I have sooooo many questions already... How? Why? And more Importantly where did you get that fantastic bath hat? It soon slipped into disturbing though when a recommendation on the app store threw this my way.

How could I not be tempted to download this free app? Cat Dance Party, does it get any better than this?

Well, it's not bad but I was hoping for Caturday Night Fever and Flashcat or at least an appearance from John Travoltacat strutting his funky stuff surely things cannot get any more weird, I mean it's not even 9am yet.

Oh my. It's for real! Not sure if the bloke an the front is impressed or he is doing his best cat expression. Anyway whilst we are at it you can try a cat hand. What is a cat hand I hear you say, well it's when you hold your arm at waist level and tilt your wrist, very much like when a cat is ready to bat something. I didn't know about cat handing until it was pointed out to me just how many people do it without realising, true enough I was walking up the stairs the other day and looked down, yes, I too was cat handing. Apparently if you do both hands at the same time is called something completely different. Allegedly.

Mixed in with all this catastrophic paraphernalia was a new supermarket game, this ingenious fellow has decided to add his own categories to the shelves, never mind using spice jars to spell rude words why not go the whole hog...

Wonder how they would handle this at the till?

Ha!

This one is a little cruel though, can you imagine more cruel reality card sections. Birthday (realistic) "It's your birthday" on the front and waiting inside is "so what. It's just another day in your boring life, get over it" or 60th (realistic) "Congratulations! You're 60!" open it up to reveal "It gets worse and you will smell of wee"

Ouch!

Now this is a new game to get your teeth in to, creative explicit DIY displays, some serious work has gone into this one, I mean who would have thought of this? Whatever next? Wouldn't it be cool if they flashed on and off to music. Don't even tell me what you could do with a shower attachment and two ballcocks. DIY stores will never be the same again, it's already difficult enough asking for screws.

There are some things on the net better left unexplained, this is one of them. You have heard of Willy Wonkas great glass elevator well this goes one better and leaves no stone unturned. Urgh.

I'm off for a lay down and it's still not 9am yet. Damn you internet!

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal