Brian And Bernie

Brian the bunny here again for a special Easter week Brian's blog, guest of Blogging The Impossimal. Today I have delved into my bookcase and pulled out some special treats for you, books of such unique distinction and distraction...

 Tell me about it, I tittered the first time I read it, I bet you did too. Pull that Pooh, although in this picture it looks like rabbit is struggling more with stuck Pooh judging from his straining face.

Oh, Rick! What was I thinking posing for this book? And in that jumper too, never mind Oh Rick! it's more Oh me! What do you look like!

 Bury yourself in this book and you can be sure you woodent be board. See what I did there? I'm not sure what's worse, the fact it's for pets and people or that it proudly claims that it's a book for woodworkers who want to be buried in their work. Can't imagine it's the height of fun making your own coffin, what do you do with it once it's done anyway? Prop it in a corner occasionally getting in it to see if it still fits, shutting the door and screaming let me out for fun? Still, you could include all the family and make a 'nest' of coffins or make special gifts of them to friends for Christmas and birthdays. Thought I would make you this as you are one year closer to needing one, hope it fits!

And everything else by the look of it, riding the bike and wearing a hat doesn't fit well with invisibility does it, kinda gives everything away. And whilst we are on this wavelength if you can still see his hat that means his clothes are not invisible, in other words he's naked. Riding a bike. Lets think about that for a while.
Apparently there are two follow up books, 'Fun With Invisible Dick' and 'Invisible Dick Exposed'. Still wouldn't borrow his bike though.

So that's what they do in the scouts, all those knots they get taught do come in useful after all. Pull my woggle.

I suspect that uncle Beethoven is not what he seems, he doesn't normally dress like a dandy fop and that leer creeps me out. Anyway, why am I on your knee? Eeek! That's not your conducting baton!

Thanks for that and I just thought it was me. The apple looks like the odd one out though unless apples really do poop. Or apples are tree poop, that's gross and wrong on so many levels, let's move on and learn something practical.

Just the book I have been looking for, now I can build fire tornadoes and create incendiary devices from the comfort of my own home. Seriously, how 'practical' is this, although a fire tornado barbecue would be kinda cool whilst taking off all your facial hair at the same time.

That's today's entry, how did you find it Bernie?
'Boring, very boring. I yawn in your general direction. It's my turn tomorrow and I'll show you how to blog'
Thanks Bernie, thanks for that, happy Easter and all that. :-(

Long Yellow Things

Hi, Brian the Easter Bunny here, whilst Gerald is looking for chocolate eggs I thought today I would delve into the archives and pull out a few new price tag mistakes and give you a brand new selection of supermarket shame. So let's hop along and begin, Oh, and don't tell Gerald that I have eaten all the eggs, tee-hee! 

Unfortunately some of them were far too risqué to place on here so lets start with a new hobby and make some Crappy Quilts. A whole book of 29 patterns, bargain!

 Still, could be worse. A CD guide to shaving a baby. Wonder if that's for Remington or Gillette shavers?

Looks like someone has been playing Supermarket Shuffle again with this nice pair of moobs, looks like the music department is the next shuffle arena with bonus points if you can arrange triple displays before being thrown out.

Maybe you prefer long yellow things in your basket? I know I do, they go together with the long green things, the red round things and of course the square boxes, isn't the supermarket educational, next they will be telling me they stock small orange tapered sticks with green hair. They do? Yummy!

Nuff said, I like how the blurb bottom right includes the advice for your perfect 'Ho' as Look Inside For Wha'ts Hot, Tools You Need and Where to Look On The Web.

Then it starts getting childish... You said Butt...

"Hey Beavis."

"What?"

"Your butt's weird lookin'."

"Shut up!"

"Heh huh, kinda looks like baloney."

"Shut up Butthead!"

"Uhh, I have an injury."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I have this great big crack in my butt."

"Do you have T.P. for my bunghole? I would hate for my holio to get polio."

Ahem, thank you Beavis and Butthead, can we move along now?

"Heh, Heh, You said along, it sounds like schlong"
"Quick Butthead, look, it says ass! Huh, Huh"

"I feel like an ass. Beavis, go out and get me an ass."
"Heh-heh, okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that?"

I give up, normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

Eats

It looks like this weeks weather has bought out all the BBQ in people so let's have a look at some of the latest advancements in this popular field of cookery starting with this cool gadget, a big red gun that shoots ketchup. Not exactly sure how far it will shoot but just the fact that it exists is good enough for me.

Starting a BBQ though has it's problems, from lighter fuel to little fire lighters you could always do with a hand, this is probably the most fiercest I have seen, a veritable flame thrower akin to the Olympic torch. In fact forget the BBQ, dress up in a tracksuit draw five circles on your back and run through the streets pretending it is the Olympic one, stop occasionally to chat and every once in a while drop it and look down in horror, viola, instant 'official' torch carrier.

Tired of never getting that last sausage? Now you can fight for it, buy two and enjoy a real fight fest as you duel your way to a full tummy and play your own Hunger Games. Spear those sausages, stab that salmon, wear a mask and dance around naked shouting 'I am sausage man, I will sing you the song of my people' whilst gently prodding the food. Ahem. Sorry, lost me a bit there.

It seems even being out in the middle of nowhere bobbing around in a dingy is no barrier to a good BBQ, try the very real floating BBQ, not quite sure how you would keep up with it and occasionally I'd imagine a good wave would tip burning embers and hot fat into your lap but hey, it's barbecuing without limits and that's got to be good. Don't forget the bacon!

If it's a real BBQ you want though this goes to shop you how versatile your PC is, remove contents of case and place it on it's side for a Man-BQ. Apparently the website also shows you how to make a PC from a BBQ.

But if you want to eat as much as you want and still LOSE weight then you couldn't do any better than the Barbell Cutlery Set, pump those pounds as you eat. This extremely heavy stylish set works while you snaffle, shedding those excess calories effortlessly turning your tum into tone.

Today's blog has been bought to you by the Barbecue All Produce Service or BAPS for short, leaflets available should you wish to get your hands on our BAPS.

This weekends appearance is at Limited2Art in Bawtry between 12-3pm, see you there!

Jump

The bunnies are in for a treat, although I don't think they will see it like that, they are going to have their own little jump and I plan to try and get them to show jump. Well, that's the plan anyway but it will probably turn out that I end up jumping over it more times than them.

Using offcuts of wood I eventually managed to make a simple gate, low enough to discourage wriggling under but also not too high either, they regularly jump up on the hay bale we have so this being half the height should be a doddle.

Overly I have to report they were not impressed, in fact they were so unimpressed I got the 'what the hell is this?' face from Jura. Forming a group around the gate puzzled glances were exchanged until Aaran decided to test it out.

Not by jumping over it but to test it by throwing it around and chewing it. Needless to say I expected this so had a few distraction treats ready. After putting it back the right way around I very nearly managed to entice Jura over the jump until she realised that it was just as easy to hop around it. Sheesh, this is going to be difficult. I tried to convince them that this addition is a good thing unlike these other 'additions' to play areas...

Wow, how many levels of wrong is this on? I don't know what's worse, sliding down it or looking up it, but for a mega fail they don't come any more fail than this...

Well done, you have reached level 99 of wrong, Elephant Butt Slides you can't possibly get any worse than this...

Oh my!

Spring At Bunnyopolis

This latest sunny weather has heralded changes for Bunnyopolis, we have started to remove the winter perspex glazing we installed on the run side and removed the secondary glazing on the three windows attached to the house side. It's all started to feel a little more airier already. A welcome plaque has been attached to the front door and a few new and mostly ignored toys added as boredom breakers.

At the moment though, first thing in the morning they look extremely dopey and grumpy, just take a look above. Not sure if it's their size but they can look *really* grumpy, complete with slack jowls, droopy eyes and random flopping ears. They even become more pliable, not caring if you give them a good rub or even pose them in different positions. Don't think I have ever seen more tired buns thinking about it, in a typical day they have a bit of a run about from 7am-10'ish then it's indoors for a good sleep. Around 3pm they are back out and ready for tea, followed by plenty of mooching around and chewing, be it grass, wood or anything that takes their fancy. Things really liven up at dusk though, it's a mental hour, plenty of play chasing, skipping, flipping and unusually slip sliding.

This last one took me by surprise but Iona has developed a new skill, she will run once or twice around the garden then whilst running at high speed she will flop to one side as if she has been shot. The momentum carries her forward a good couple of feet still on her side, weird, but she seems to enjoys it and can often repeat it a few times much to the puzzlement of Jura and Aaran. Must be a bunny thing, I'll try and capture it on camera along with Jura's mad moments of 180 degree flipping, another strange thing, she can flip around over and over again on the same spot. Spring it seems has sprung!

Display

As we travel from gallery to gallery I'm amazed on the imagination that has gone into the appearances, not only from the weird and wonderful people but also the displays we have come across so far.

 We have had intricate displays like this, hundreds of playing cards stuck to the walls encircling the gallery.

Accompanied by magnifying glasses and obligatory Sherlock pipe to finish, we even had some little golden chocolate bunnies to guard them all.

Other displays have focussed on the windows, this is only a small part of it but it featured oversized cups and saucers, glass bowls, playing cards and in the centre a golden head and antlers of a deer. Wow!

Another gallery and another unique display, this time every painting had it's own unique set up, check out the Sherlock Sidewinders corner, it's got it's own mini library too!

Over large biscuits, dominoes and playing cards dominated this display which actually went a little step further inside with everyone kitted out in period costume.

 The one detail that did make me snigger though was part of the display that was just there to be discovered.

Tucked away in the sculpture cabinet was this, sample jars complete with little samples, how cool is that?

Potting Shed

Looks like all this extra sun recently has spurred everything on to grow, even our tomato and broccoli plants have burst into life ready for a transfer to the green house. Finally I can get out in the garden properly and maybe if the weather holds a little have a barbecue although don't be fooled too much, it may be sunny but it's still a little nippy. It may even be time to start the latest Bunnyopolis addition, I just need plenty of wood, a few screws and about two days of good weather to make supersized Fort Bun.

Today though is taken up with writing several new stories, catching up with e-mail, spending time in Bunnyopolis and doing general stuff after the weekends travels but it's back in the studio tomorrow for more work on the Impossimals with a little more model making and two new paintings to start.

Setting The Scene

One of the bonuses of modelling the Impossimals in plasticine is the versatility regarding camera angles although sometimes it can still be tricky. In this piece I wanted the impression of hearts floating down on a couple below. My first model looked ok'ish, I had even used garden canes to raise the height of the hearts a little and to cast shadows in the right place.

 But after taking this photo it looked kind of static, it needed more movement in general and I think that could be added with more height.

So using bigger sticks and weights I managed to get the biggest heart around two foot off the ground and to cast a large shadow to one side.

Taking a photo from above it all looked a lot better, but as a painting it still lacked a sense of proportion and balance.

After a bit of adjustment with the lights, a tightening up of the hearts and a slightly more intimate camera angle it all looked a whole lot better, balanced with the two Impossimals taking centre stage.

Don't forget this weekend we are back on the road with appearances on Saturday 24th March at Castle Galleries, Reading between 1-4pm and again on Sunday 25th March at The Original Art Shop at the Trentham retail village, Stoke-on-Trent between 12-3pm.

Snakes On A Plane

OK it's not exactly snakes it's a shower head and pipe, it's more of a car than a plane and Samuel L. Jackson didn't step in at any time and say 'Everybody listen! We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!' so don't get too excited. Although it did entail plenty of wrestling with it snake style as I tried to remove it's vice like grip from the shower unit, a position it has held for eight years so was unwilling to give it up without a fight even though the night before it had split near the shower head and sprayed water liberally around the cubicle leaving just a dribble coming the right direction so you would have thought it would be weak after being injured.

The staff at my local DIY store shrugged with that special shrug they do that tells you it's your problem and they really don't give two hoots if you can't find it, you know the one, it's the shrug that ends with a casual wave in the general direction of 23 aisles and the bored 'it's over there' now go away face. I eventually found them tucked away behind the carpets and next to a thousand shower heads some of which featured attachments so exotic they looked illegal. Really, three heads, power action and massage mode?

Faced with twelve different shower pipes that all look exactly the same but range from £3 to £30 always fills me with a dilemma. Do I go cheap and regret it or do I buy the most expensive, after all there has to be a difference right? Next comes the comparison, I unfurled my damaged pipe and compared nozzles, you know, to make sure they matched the size, not easy and I couldn't be sure they were exactly the same so I did the sensible thing, took a shower head from the display and tried it in the new pipe, it fitted perfectly so I unscrewed it and tried it in my damaged pipe. It also fitted perfectly, perfect I thought then panicked, it was stuck. I must have damaged the screw thread when I wrestled it from the shower earlier.

Oh no!

No matter how much I tried I couldn't budge it an inch. Jayne held one side as I twisted and turned it trying to use the increasing tightness in the flexible pipe to give me more leverage. Apparently I over did the twisting looking back and it suddenly become alive as the twisted pipe decided to release all it's energy back into the shower head and it spun out of my hands. I have to say people can really move if they have too, my metal snake complete with shower head head wriggled, writhed and clattered it's way a few feet down the aisle, shoppers scattered as if confronted with a real snake, I however, stood mortified.

I didn't even feel particularly like a snake handler either as I retrieved the shower snake from the floor although I did feel like saying 'It's OK everyone, it's dead' or 'Watch out! There's another one!'. The head still would not move and I sheepishly retreated to aisle 3 and used an adjustable spanner to remove it.

In the end I went for a middle of the road replacement pipe that fitted perfectly and pondered shower snakes. Do they exist and what do they look like? I feel a painting coming on...

Mankini

I don't mind shopping, being taken from place to place across several hours broken by the occasional coffee and cake only to return back to the original shop, it's all part of the experience. I don't even mind being asked for the umpteenth time if this looks OK, is the right colour or fits better than outfit number 26. The thing I really dread though is this...

 It was introduced to me today as the Man Chair. The proprietor of today's shop of choice was very efficient and attentive but as soon as she said 'You can sit on the man chair' my heart sank. You see, this chair appears in every place that sells ladies clothes and that includes the big chains too and quite often they are filled with bored looking middle aged men with armfuls of bags and a face that screams defeat. The worst places offer man sofa's where you have to squeeze in amongst the bored throng or suffer a worse fate of trying to stand near the changing rooms without a) Looking suspicious, b) Getting in the way or c) Looking like a pervert.

I once stood too close in one store to the changing rooms whilst I waited only to be looked up and down by various customers with looks ranging from filthy beast and suspicion to glares that looked like they were trying to remember my features just in case I had been on a wanted poster.

Sitting on the man chair today was unusually a simple affair. The shop was empty apart from myself and Jayne so any indignation was avoided. Glancing to my right though I found another reason to shudder.

A selection of 'man' based magazines to entertain said man. Call me picky but Practical Caravan (special issue with '70's Leyland road tests and how to cope with an overturned Swift in a thunderstorm), a general over 50 health magazine (with articles on coping with dying and how to avoid urine stains, honestly. Ugh!) and Best of British (building narrow boats, brewing tea that tasted like it did in the war, Dame Vera Lynn of course, ghastly glasses, why we should cane all the buggers again and mending minesweepers. No doubt if I dug deeper I would have found the 'hang the buggers' article and how to build an air raid shelter for those weekends away) wasn't riveting reading.

It kept me amused for a short while though. Well, we are talking short seconds actually, until the first of the questions started. 'Does this look right?', 'What about the colour?', 'You're not paying attention are you?' and I slinked back into my man chair role.

Ahh, the man chair what it giveth with one hand it takes away with the other. 'Are you comfortable there? Not long now.' was the reassuring words from the proprietor. I actually thought she was talking to a small child sat next to me but alas the small child didn't exist. Mmm.

So the next time I'm offered a man chair I have decided to go to town and take along a pipe and slippers, some reading material and maybe a small sandwich and a large brandy to really feel at home. I may even bring along a small dog called Colin to curl at my feet. Comfy? You betcha!