Jackanory

I thought after yesterdays blog entry we would have a bit of a treat and I will share with you the Legend Of The Knitted Growler, are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I'll begin...


Deep in Leicestershire hunters gathering at their latest meet near Melton Mowbray in 1878 noticed, after chasing a fox into a nearby thicket, an uncovered section of earth that had recently been turned over. Fearing they had stumbled across something quite sinister the Lord of the manor was immediately called and the earth removed.

The hole contained a pink ball of wool, underneath this they found several jars of a bitter hot sauce, several portions of cheese, tomatoes and a curious mixture that looked like mud but actually tasted sweet and sharp all at the same time. Muddy footprints around the hole showed a pig like creature had been there some time before.

Charles Burroughs our explorer had been in England some time writing up his latest discoveries and cataloguing the finding from his recent discovery, Edison’s Sherlock Sidewinder, when by chance he read about the discovery in the London Gazette. Charles had already had dealings with a similar creature in 1870 that he failed to discover in Germany, the Peppered Pork Pie Pig, and wondered if this could be a relative. The only difference it seemed was the German Pork Pie Pig buried Sauerkraut, cabbage and mushrooms instead and deduced that the bitter hot sauce that was found was obviously mustard, a passion shared by both species.

Charles arrived in Melton Mowbray in July of the same year and immediately asked to be shown the discovery. Although it had been several weeks since Charles notice a white fleshy transparent skin still scattered around the area creating a barely discernable trail leading deep into Brentingby Wood. Quietly Charles made his way deep into the forest. After a mile or so the forest seemed to change, gone were the wooden trunks, now they were replaced by stiff semi transparent ribbed curved columns, Charles had stumbled into Celery Hollow, a wild wood fabled for it’s heady smell and edible trees.

As he ventured further in he became aware of a clearing ahead and heard a soft grunting noise followed by a whirring. Charles paused and using moss from a nearby stone covered the base of his shoes to quieten his footsteps. The closer he got the more intrigued he was until at last as he saw the source of the noise.

A six foot high pig, or to be more accurate, a six foot high pink knitted pig complete with a corkscrew shaped tail and black and white furry ears. Its entire body was circular in shape with little ‘crimps’ around its rotund back. Charles was amazed, even more so as the Knitted Growler as we now know it, used its curlywhirly tail to twist out of the earth a massive pickled onion with a distinctive whirring sound. An onion so big it was the size of Charles head, the aroma smelt paradisiacal and was complimented with an additional aroma as the Growler used a dainty trotter to take a small piece of cheese, place it on top of the onion, add a dollop of the brown sweet sharp stuff and finally finish off the pickled tower with a slice of cucumber.

It was at that moment that the celery stick Charles had been leaning on decided to snap and he tumbled forward head over heels out into the open bringing him face to face with the Growler. The Growler looked at him, sniffed the air, gave a soft grunt and gently pushed the pickled tower towards him. Having been in situations like this all too regularly Charles took it to be a friendly gesture and using his handy pocket knife he sliced himself a bit of the large onion, added the cheese, a bit of the mysterious pickle then finally a slice of cucumber and took a bite.

It was one of the best things he had ever eaten, the onion was like nothing he had tasted before or since, peppery, spicy, juicy, sweet, it was all these things together and more. The Growler joined him and ate too but only after placing it’s snout in a large jar full of what Charles had correctly surmised to be mustard first.

This surreal Growler picnic went on until the giant onion was finished, all the cheese gone and nearly all the pickle and mustard had been consumed until both sat contented and unable to walk from overly stuffed tummies. Later that night Charles bid farewell to his new friend and returned to Melton Mowbray with news of his find.

In order to shield the Knitted Growler from sightseers and even captivity Charles shared the location with one of the town’s most respected residents John Dickenson, owner of the towns Pie Business and creator of the Melton Pie popular with the huntsmen of the era.  John promised Charles that he would visit and protect the Knitted Growler for as long as he should live and true to his word over the years John Dickenson built up quite a rapport with the Knitted Growler.

It has been said that the John and the Growler eventually came up with a special mix of flavours that was so good John used it in his pies, pies that eventually came so popular due to this secret ingredient they took the name of the town they were produced and even survive to this day, the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie.
Rumour has it that even the distinctive shape is based upon the Knitted Growler and somewhere in Melton Mowbray is a secret room that holds the special ingredients used in its production that makes them so distinctive, peppery, spicy, juicy, sweet... sound familiar?

Knitted Growlers

growl-er

noun: 1. A person or thing that growls.

2. An artisan pork pie.

A few weeks ago I started work on my Knitted Growler, a distant relative of the Peppered Pork Pie Pig of the Black Forest, a tricky piece as it required the construction of said beast using real ingredients. It all looked rather promising at the start, my growler was going to be built around a small pork pie accompanied by pickled onions (which it digs up and eats) and other assorted ploughman's lunch type stuff.

The tricky bit was not the growler itself as this was quickly made by adding plasticine to the pork pie but the surrounding forest, a forest of celery. Not the greatest building material as it tends to wilt rather quickly, my celery wasn't that good in the first place and I found myself strengthening them with pipe cleaners and matchsticks.

 By the time I had got to the garnish a few hours later my forest had started to sag even more, adding in the cheese and cucumber helped liven things up but the celery had to be dunked in water to refresh it.

Working with speed I dished out the pickle, scattered onion skins around, added a few more lumps of cheese and took my photographs. The whole thing though had to be left for me to work with as I painted the first layers over the next two days, even though I refrigerated it overnight by the third day things were looking decidedly ropey and a thin pervading sweet sickly smell was filling the studio, the last day was spent painting and yacking like a dog in equal measures between brush strokes.

Needless to say it all went straight into the bin with the last brush stroke but what I was left with was the first view of a Knitter Growler, the mysterious beast that lives in a secret location just outside of Melton Mowbray.

Chop, Chop

This weekends appearances ended in the picturesque Keswick in Cumbria in what seemed like the perfect day for walking. Blue skies, a little chilly but sunny and crisp clean air was the order of the day as we perused the various shops and wares on offer to visitors.

One place I was particularly keen on visiting was Keswicks excellent toy shop. Tucked away around a corner and hidden behind a kayak and canoes display is probably one of the best toy shops I have ever been in with oodles of stuff to look at and masses upon masses of jigsaws, their stock alone must run into tens of thousands of items easily.

I could spend all day in there, it's tightly packed, a nightmare to navigate if you need to pass someone down the aisles but full of the most wondrous stuff both past and present. The model plane making section alone extends a good twenty feet long and possibly eight feet high packed with everything 'Airfixy' including those little pots of enamel paint you used to get. Turning the corner you find a section dedicated to the Sylvanian Families, which for those of you that have never seen them consist of a range of cute animal collectables like rabbits and sheep, all with their own 'house' or play area to collect.

The next corner it's board games, the next it's toy cars, then wall to wall dolls, the shop just goes on and on and on. Puzzles, Lego, wooden toys, rifles, crossbows, CO2 Power pistols, knives. Yes, you did read that right, for this thriving toy shop also sells on the first floor, larger boys toys too. A bit of an eclectic mix I know and it took me by surprise too but hey, it seems to work for them, just make sure you don't get the wrong floor and buy little five year old Johnny a brand new Rambo Killer Serated Edged Weapon with Extra Killer Barbed Spikes and Rubber Grip instead of that latest Buzz Lightyear plastic ray gun.

Still, it seems that edged weapons are very popular around the area. Leaving the toy shop I was spoilt for choice with this impressive array of axes. An axe for all seasons, a chopper for every eventuality. The residents of Keswick are probably the best prepared in the country to cope with a zombie apocalypse.

So, laden with the latest triple blade multi cutting Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum axe with oak handle and toothpick, Jayne chose a more modest Pocket Chopper for her handbag, we made our way merrily through Keswick looking for that perfect accompaniment. There must be a body armour and machine gun shop somewhere around here, if not that I'd love a full sized trebuchet from the How Medieval-R-Us chain, not quite sure how to get it in the car though, do they deliver?

LP

Found this excellent place recently, The Kitten Covers, classic record album covers recreated using the medium of cats. How cool! Lets start with ACAT/DCAT and Furway to Hell.

 The Kitty Hendrix Catsperience with cool retro kitties.

 The Squee Gees and Caturday Night Fever, Stayin' Alive kitten style with Jive Stalking.

Kitallica! Claw The Lightning, classic album including Trapped Under Blankets and For Whom The Catnip Tolls.

 Blondie and parallel lines, to show you how accurate these are take a look at this...

Ok, a little size difference but hey, they couldn't find six foot cats.

 Squeen II with Freddy and Brian Meow in this classic pose.

May favourite though is Kitten Floyd - Dark Side Of The Meow. Classic tracks include The Great Kit In The Sky and Any Catnip You Like.

This weekend we are back on the road with fun filled appearances at The Hawthorn Gallery on Saturday 14th and on Sunday 15th we are in Keswick, Cumbria at Treeby and Bolton, both events are between 12-3pm.

Any Old Iron

 I'm not sure if I'm detecting a slightly more sinister tone creeping into the little change your life supplements that have appeared recently. Normally they are full of stuff that other people buy and the words barge pole and wouldn't touch comes to mind but this recent one is a little more creepy.

It all starts promisingly with this wonderful toilet roll holder. Fine unless you pull off the last sheet only to find you need to do bathroom aerobics whilst seated to get the remaining spare rolls up and off the top after removing the old one. It all looks a bit of a cuffufle, I'd have visions of struggling, overbalancing and cracking my head on the wash basin only being found in a puddle later not knowing who I am or why my trousers are down. See? It all starts really well so what's next?

Ahh, lets inject a bit of terror into any journey by describing in lurid detail how in the most embarrassing fashion your luggage could be mistreated enough to split and disgorge it's contents of underwear during coach tours, transfers or even on the airport carousel. Problem solved, a handy double lock strap that includes your name. I nearly bought one when I read the scary line '...wondering if it has burst open on the way to the hotel'.

Personally I'm more concerned that the plane lands safely and the wings don't fall off, the coach driver has not been certified criminally insane and is convinced he's on his last journey to hell and he's going to take everyone with him, that large man that is sat next to me doesn't dribble as he is now asleep and leaning on me or when I open that little bag of nuts on the plane I don't cause it to explode and shower it's contents liberally over seats 4b-22a and watch a myriad of strangers picking nuts out of their hair.

Straps on cases are the last thing on my mind.

This is the spooky gizmo though, for £99 you can have your own surveillance system for you car that constantly records everything on the road, it even has night vision. As the blurb states and I quote '...if there's a dispute about who's at fault, things can turn nasty. Enjoy the protection of the ultimate reliable witness'

All this of course is designed with the fact that it wasn't your fault, I can image a quick erasing would follow if you inadvertently rammed a few stationary cars in the car park or bounced the occasional old person across your bonnet. Not quite sure how it fits in a magazine full of portable loo's (keep one in the car it suggests, Spill-proof too!), fiddle free phoning on a mobile phone with keys the size of house bricks, mattress stain removers, micro hearing aids and a rather unattractive 'media' cabinet to hold all your CD's and video cassettes probably next to your laser disc collection and 8-tracks.

But then again, for incontinent, short sighted, deaf video watchers maybe it's a boon and if you are really lucky you may get some excellent 'happy accident' footage worth £££, then you can really go to town and afford that Ear Cleaner you have been hanging your nose over.

Refining

The new remastered Impossimals are gradually taking shape after extensive model making to make sure they are just right with massive scenes being created to get the shadows and light as accurate as possible. It's the same principle that was applied to the Losts and again I have refined the Impossimals to give a lot more emotion through not only their body shapes but also their, yet again, redefined eyes.

Once the basics are down I can then start work on the main piece. Plywood is primed and working from the model and photographs the painting is gradually built up from the background to the foreground.

You can see here that the background has received it's first coat and the general shadows and highlights are starting to go in. Next would be the eyes, then the stripes, a process that would probably take another day or so as getting the ultra fine lines and blending takes a while.

Here's one scene I built a little more closely, as you can see everything has been constructed, even down to the little bathroom scales and taps. The towel is actually kitchen roll dyed pink whilst the painted wooden panelling and skirting board is thick cardboard. The floor is covered with a thin layer of acetate to give plenty of reflections.

You can see from the detailing on the final painting that the sense of depth and clarity shows a lot more when working from a live scene. Even the reflections are more natural and I can also see the bounce back of light onto the Impossimals body to allow me to paint it more accurately. So today I will be mostly painting!

Planet Bacon

No I haven't found a new planet and yes, it does look a little like bacon. Instead after reading an article on exploding custard powder (it really does explode too!) and wanting to doing something on a rainy Bank Holiday Monday a little less dangerous I found these two things to play with.

A pocket microscope that I have had for many years and a cheap but functional digital camera. I used to use the microscope to help with colour balancing printers and monitors along with something called a Pantone spider many years ago. Strapping them together Heath Robinson style they gave me a microscope that I could record video and photograph things at a ridiculous zoom level so off I went. The first picture is actually red oil paint over white acrylic on what I thought was a smooth piece of wood, looks very tactile at x30.

 In the garden a single piece of rosemary shows all the hairs on what looks like a smooth plant. Hairs on a plant? Urgh. Still tasted nice though.

My ultra sharp inkjet printer doesn't look so sharp up close. The dots look very random in their pattern to produce this text, even the paper looks ropey.

 I suppose this is the type of things that most people go for when using a microscope. Things that make you go urg!. This is the knee joint of a spider leg. Full of hairs and stuff again. The power of this cheap little toy is immense, I'm just trying to think of a practical use for it though. Back to painting today though and more work on the Impossimals with two new ones to be started.

Hope you all had a great Easter, the blog had it's Easter break, Bunnyopolis is nice and clean with a new coat of preservative, some random fixings to chewed wood and three happy Easter bunnies who are extremely glad we didn't have any more snow. Roll on the good weather!

You've Been Maimed

8:20am this morning and a nice, if a little chilly, stroll to start the bank holiday weekend. Already the sound of power tools filled the air on the first major DIY weekend. My DIY experience after creating Bunnyopolis is a lot more extensive than before but I wonder how many will end in a 'You've Been Framed' moment, for today, statistically is the start of the, and I quote, 'Non Fatal Home Accident' season.

Sounds quite cheery doesn't it? But what exactly are the odds of having a 'happy' accident? Well in 1999 for example 99,000 people had an accident doing DIY, such as electrical repairs, decorating, maintenance or carpentry, so when put it into perspective with an estimated population of 58,789,194 it gives you a 1 in 594 chance of appearing on a video accident clip show so probably best not to rely on it as an income.

The thing that amazes me though is the concentration on DIY accidents, some of the other statistics are a lot more interesting...

The 23rd Annual Report of the Home Accident Surveillance System (HASS) shows that 96,000 people attended A & E after an accident occurred while they were sleeping, relaxing, sitting or lying down. Lets think about that for a while, all those tasks involved nothing more than not moving, what the hell happened?  So statistically I'm close to coming a cropper while I write this blog, maybe I should go outside and juggle the occasional chain saw to make it really worth while. See the risks I take writing this stuff?

In the same report 438,000 people had an accident while walking or simply moving through their house or garden. I like the word moving, like you really have a choice other than walking through your house most of the time. Maybe that's the problem and I really should stop unicycling down the stairs, either that or start fastening cushions around my middle as a crash aid. Dinners ready? Won't be a minute, I'm just 'moving' to the kitchen. I wonder if you go from room to room adopting a different dance in each one you can be considered to move in mysterious ways?

Here's a kicker, shopping centres/markets accounted for 58,000 accidents whilst only 42,000 accidents occurred in a bar. See, shopping is a lot more hazardous. I'll have a double please!

The report breaks all this down into the minutest detail, did you know 62 people got clobbered by a bean bag, that must be one mean bag. Eight people were injured by a pelmet. Do you realise how difficult that is to do? A pelmet is a board placed above a window, used to conceal curtain fixtures what were they doing? triple backflips in the lounge on their new Wii-Trampoline or were they just exceptionally tall and clumsy?

Duvet's attacked 153 people and cuddled them into an injury, unfortunately it doesn't reveal the tog rating of them or whether the tog rating is actually a danger rating. One unlucky individual ended up in A&E after an altercation with a napkin, wouldn't you loved to have been there to see that one? Pesky place mats injured seven whilst towels, the savage beasts, accounted for 152 attacks making them only marginally less dangerous than duvets.

Moving into the kitchen things look grim. We all know the dangers of sharp knifes and broken glass but lurking way in there looking all innocent is the spoon. A whopping 97 confirmed attacks with a national average of 1774. I guess they were all being used for something other than scooping ice cream and stirring your tea, I mean spoons aren't the most lethal looking tool in the kitchen so just what scooping injuries did they cause? No don't go there, I just read the next bit to do with orifices and it made me sick.

Other 'items' considered dangerous include bread bins (5 confirmed), colanders (another 5 down) and one unfortunate individual who was taken down by a set of kitchen scales and seven fell to a dust pan.

Let's take a stroll in the garden, quick, watch out! It's a jungle out there, bird baths took 294 of us out whilst rakes did 894, flowerpots 237, hose 98 watering cans 33 and seed trays injured seven.

See, you could be mowing the lawn and catch the bird bath which drops on your toe causing you to hop around straight onto the rake. Tom & Gerry style it hits you between the eyes and you stumble into the flowerpots breaking a few and cutting your toe. In your rage you grab the hose and give it sharp tug pulling a tendon in your hand so you decide to retire to the potting shed only to slam the door behind you loosening that wonky shelf and causing that old metal watering can and stacks of old seed trays to tumble down from above rendering you unconscious.

Statistically 99.5% of you have not read this far so for the .5% who are still with us have a great and safe Easter, I'm going out to Bunnyopolis to see Aaran, Jura and Iona, who according to the 1999 stats are the third most dangerous pets. Roar! Better take a spoon for protection then.

Bernie's Blog

Yawn!, with Easter just around the corner it's my turn to take over and entertain with some weird and wonderful Internet found treats that of course will be better than Brian's blog yesterday.

Lets start with some of the most inappropriate Easter bunnies EVER. Get Mr Chunky here, those glasses are so yesterday.

 Hi, I'm Roy The Racoon with a puntastic punny pun, I pop puns like a gangsta, see you later!

Scary bun, tip #1 if you plan on being an Easter bunny, don't grab children unless of course you plan to scar them for life with your hideous costume, tip #2 Don't dress up as a bunny, leave it to the professionals like this guy...

Not sure if it's the costume or the fact he is out in public dressed like this. Mum approves, kids have a 'no, dad' embarrassed look in a photo that will haunt them forever.

 Get it? A Hambulance, titter. How do pigs eat their dinner? With a knife and pork. Tee-hee!

 Seriously, is that the best you could do dad? A square head, doped up eyes and a general look of a drunken stupor? Then you go and wear a rabbit costume. Like the eyebrows, add a touch of realism I think.

AAaaarrghh!! I'm rabid rabbit, I come to eat all your children! Misguided nightmare fodder wrapped in a costume that defies explination, although she is smiling now she obviously hasn't turned around yet. But before I reveal the most hideous Easter bunny in the world a bit of light relief from our sponsor.

WARNING

Don't

Look

Below

It's

Hideous

And

Frightening

Told you. Taken from the album if serial killers were Easter bunnies. Possibly THE worst costume ever. Bunny last seen hopping on CCTV stealing bacon and eggs from K-Qwik-9-2 Mart on Crimestoppers Easter edition.

Bacon? Did someone say bacon?

Our final word goes to Jupiter the talking cat with answers to your burning questions.

That's me done, time for me to get my raccoon nose into the chocolate, suppose then I'll have to egg-xercise and take up hare-robics after Easter lol. Have a punderful Easter!

Brian And Bernie

Brian the bunny here again for a special Easter week Brian's blog, guest of Blogging The Impossimal. Today I have delved into my bookcase and pulled out some special treats for you, books of such unique distinction and distraction...

 Tell me about it, I tittered the first time I read it, I bet you did too. Pull that Pooh, although in this picture it looks like rabbit is struggling more with stuck Pooh judging from his straining face.

Oh, Rick! What was I thinking posing for this book? And in that jumper too, never mind Oh Rick! it's more Oh me! What do you look like!

 Bury yourself in this book and you can be sure you woodent be board. See what I did there? I'm not sure what's worse, the fact it's for pets and people or that it proudly claims that it's a book for woodworkers who want to be buried in their work. Can't imagine it's the height of fun making your own coffin, what do you do with it once it's done anyway? Prop it in a corner occasionally getting in it to see if it still fits, shutting the door and screaming let me out for fun? Still, you could include all the family and make a 'nest' of coffins or make special gifts of them to friends for Christmas and birthdays. Thought I would make you this as you are one year closer to needing one, hope it fits!

And everything else by the look of it, riding the bike and wearing a hat doesn't fit well with invisibility does it, kinda gives everything away. And whilst we are on this wavelength if you can still see his hat that means his clothes are not invisible, in other words he's naked. Riding a bike. Lets think about that for a while.
Apparently there are two follow up books, 'Fun With Invisible Dick' and 'Invisible Dick Exposed'. Still wouldn't borrow his bike though.

So that's what they do in the scouts, all those knots they get taught do come in useful after all. Pull my woggle.

I suspect that uncle Beethoven is not what he seems, he doesn't normally dress like a dandy fop and that leer creeps me out. Anyway, why am I on your knee? Eeek! That's not your conducting baton!

Thanks for that and I just thought it was me. The apple looks like the odd one out though unless apples really do poop. Or apples are tree poop, that's gross and wrong on so many levels, let's move on and learn something practical.

Just the book I have been looking for, now I can build fire tornadoes and create incendiary devices from the comfort of my own home. Seriously, how 'practical' is this, although a fire tornado barbecue would be kinda cool whilst taking off all your facial hair at the same time.

That's today's entry, how did you find it Bernie?
'Boring, very boring. I yawn in your general direction. It's my turn tomorrow and I'll show you how to blog'
Thanks Bernie, thanks for that, happy Easter and all that. :-(