Helpful

The Olympics has thrust the UK onto the main stage for millions of people so for the 200 countries taking part here's a quick handy pocket guide to the United Kingdom.

You require a license to own a dog. Black and white canines such as border collies have cheaper licenses than their colour counterparts whilst any dog under four inches is free of licensing but must be declared 'off road' using form DVF 5142.

Libraries are are the only areas in the UK that allow the public breaking of wind and are thus kept quiet for that purpose. Particularly loud emissions can sometimes be applauded but please refrain from using language such as 'How's about that then?' to gain extra attention.

Inside each red postbox is a postman. If you require a stamp or need to post a letter you must address the occupant of the postbox directly by talking through the slot provided.

The currency in the UK is the British Pound so shopkeepers and restaurants will be more than happy to accept one pound of vegetable as payment, some may even encourage certain greenery. Burger joints for example will only accept payment in pounds of gherkins whilst banks like large deposits of bananas. It is not uncommon to pay taxi drivers in pounds of grapes.

Expect rain.

Due to the inclement weather all umbrellas are shared so should it rain and you see an unattended brolly feel free to take it. Some shops even have displays ready for the taking and make ideal places to find an umbrella in an amusing colour.

It is customary to queue in the United Kingdom. If you start at the back and gradually push people out of the way you are considered a true citizen, however if you immediately push in at the front you are considered a member of the upper class and will be applauded and people may want to shake your hand.

Whilst using the roads in the United Kingdom it is required by law to carry certain items in your car for an emergency. The following items are :

A torch, preferably one similar to the Olympic torch of which many can be found on eBay.

Six eggs and one chicken.

Twenty garden gnomes. Any less is considered a serious offence, statutory sentences for under twenty gnomes start at a year in prison for each gnome under the required amount.

A football signed by a premier footballer.

A flask of tea and crumpets.

A travelling rug.

One Carry On Film DVD

A Corgi called Colin.

Public transport is provided but It's often more handy to use the special public transport stopping places to board. Look for sets of lights that change colour, they can normally found at busy junctions. A green light means no boarding, amber informs you to get ready. When red shows all vehicles stop to allow passengers to board or exit the vehicle. Simply choose your vehicle, pull open the door and occupy the nearest seat for your journey. Instruct your driver to your destination and add the words 'Now! Or there's going to be trouble' to be whisked away swiftly and enjoy your ride.

Stately homes are just that, homes for the state and so can be occupied for free. They even come fully furnished with all the mod cons although you may have to share it with paying guests called 'visitors'.

To blend in with British society you need to be a follower of fashion. Current trends include duck lips and massive back racks both achieved by large injections of Botox. The wearing of white Y-Fronts, white socks and black shoes with nothing else but a bowler hat is considered the highest fashion in the land for both sexes.

Visitors looking for love may attract the opposite sex by standing in a public place shouting out some romantic prose at passers by. Current romantic literature to shout out in public is 50 Shades of Grey.

That's it for today's handy pocket guide bought to you by the UK Borest Tord, all information contained in this valuable guide can be purchased in a handy paperback form for two pounds of broccoli at your nearest police station.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Tales Of The Unexplained

There are days when the Internet seems to have gone on a bad trip and it's all just a load of connected tubes full of cats. Take today for instance, this was the first photo I saw, I have sooooo many questions already... How? Why? And more Importantly where did you get that fantastic bath hat? It soon slipped into disturbing though when a recommendation on the app store threw this my way.

How could I not be tempted to download this free app? Cat Dance Party, does it get any better than this?

Well, it's not bad but I was hoping for Caturday Night Fever and Flashcat or at least an appearance from John Travoltacat strutting his funky stuff surely things cannot get any more weird, I mean it's not even 9am yet.

Oh my. It's for real! Not sure if the bloke an the front is impressed or he is doing his best cat expression. Anyway whilst we are at it you can try a cat hand. What is a cat hand I hear you say, well it's when you hold your arm at waist level and tilt your wrist, very much like when a cat is ready to bat something. I didn't know about cat handing until it was pointed out to me just how many people do it without realising, true enough I was walking up the stairs the other day and looked down, yes, I too was cat handing. Apparently if you do both hands at the same time is called something completely different. Allegedly.

Mixed in with all this catastrophic paraphernalia was a new supermarket game, this ingenious fellow has decided to add his own categories to the shelves, never mind using spice jars to spell rude words why not go the whole hog...

Wonder how they would handle this at the till?

Ha!

This one is a little cruel though, can you imagine more cruel reality card sections. Birthday (realistic) "It's your birthday" on the front and waiting inside is "so what. It's just another day in your boring life, get over it" or 60th (realistic) "Congratulations! You're 60!" open it up to reveal "It gets worse and you will smell of wee"

Ouch!

Now this is a new game to get your teeth in to, creative explicit DIY displays, some serious work has gone into this one, I mean who would have thought of this? Whatever next? Wouldn't it be cool if they flashed on and off to music. Don't even tell me what you could do with a shower attachment and two ballcocks. DIY stores will never be the same again, it's already difficult enough asking for screws.

There are some things on the net better left unexplained, this is one of them. You have heard of Willy Wonkas great glass elevator well this goes one better and leaves no stone unturned. Urgh.

I'm off for a lay down and it's still not 9am yet. Damn you internet!

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Moving

For the first time in the last ten years I'm sat in a dedicated studio to work rather than the dining room and it feels... different. For a start I can make as much mess as possible, I don't run the risk of transferring paint to household furniture and I have enough space to add in a few book shelves and extra storage. I even have a better view of Bunnyopolis to see Aaran, Jura and Iona cavorting around to help battle the solitary environment most artists work in when creating. Previously the Impossimals had taken over four rooms around our house making it difficult to avoid them when trying to switch off at the end of a day so this was long overdue.

So today is my first day in the new studio, with a long list of jobs to do it looks like I'm going to be kept quite busy over the next few months, painting and designing sets, writing copious amounts of stories and carrying on compiling the background stories to all the paintings. My old studio, the dining room, is going to be converted into an office so I can flit between them both as required, it just needs a few more filing cabinets and a extra desk then all the equipment can be moved and fitted in a purpose built environment freeing up a bedroom and allowing us to turn it back into a useable space that guests can stay in.

It's amazing how much stuff was crammed into one room though that only became apparent as we unloaded stuff. After sorting it all out it seemed logical to organise it according to use so now I have an area for model making and sculpture, one for painting and another for writing and animation which is exactly where I'm sat now writing this.

The easel beckons, looks like I'm in for a long day.

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Heart Of The Family

Looking back through the blog I realised I haven't updated you on the latest Impossimals to come out of the studio for a long time so today I'll thought I would show you a new step by step guide to a piece from a few months ago called 'Heart Of The Family' remastered. Remastered refers to the technique to produce the piece as each remastered Impossimal gets its own sculpture beforehand allowing a more accurate portrayal of the Impossimal world.

As you can see above, it all started with a small plasticine model and a red glass heart.

From this I needed to understand what colours I was going to use so I painted several quick colour sketches using oil paint thinned with Liquin on an old board until I was happy with the balance.

From this I then prepared a board using an acrylic base to help the colours warm through, yellow suited the green I was using and also complimented the yellow/brown of the Impossimals stripes. I quickly sketched everything out and placed in the background and shadows roughly.

Next I blocked in the white areas adding in the shading as I went along. To give a sense of depth I painted the heart in fully paying attention to the reflections in the glass, it was to be the centre point so needed to look as perfect as I could manage at this stage. Notice I have added a shadow near the nose on the right Impossimal, it's easier to add it at this stage before I put all the colour in.

Next was a base coat of colour which was allowed to dry overnight then I applied the graduation using a combination of hard and soft brushes.

As these built up over the following days you can notice that the colours start to get an intensity that you cannot achieve straight from the tube. By this time the heart had been given at least six extra coats and the Impossimals trademark stripes were beginning to look more 3D.

"Heart Of The Family"

So here it is, finished. I added the toy on the left at the very end and a final purple glaze over the entire painting gave it a lustre and finish adding to the realism. This piece was sold earlier this year at our appearance in Stratford and I was a little sad to see it go as I am with most of my pieces especially after you have lived with them for so long in their creation.

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Tonnage

The final appearance of the Lost Impossimal tour finished in Cardiff with a superbly sunny day and an amazing appearance to boot at Castle Galleries in Mermaid Quay on Saturday. We arrived early so we could take a boat bus to the centre of Cardiff but having just missed the 10:30am slot decided instead to try the 45 minute bay cruise.

Little did we know that our skipper was a potential Rob Brydon tribute act who treated us to a very somber outward journey with a indepth narrative about coal tonnage, delivery and mine statistics only to completely change his patter as we approached the turning point.

"And here we have the White Water centre on the right, if you look to one side you will see people, tourists even enjoying a cup of coffee, or maybe tea, I don't really know if they are enjoying themselves I'm just assuming. You can see them smiling. Some of the lucky ones may have a fried breakfast whilst others have a nice little cake. I'd love a cooked breakfast myself but I'm driving the boat."

He went on...

"...and the water has been switched on, so if you all stand up you can see the white water. It's not much to look at I'll admit, it does see some action but not very often. Bit like me really."

Our skipper on the subject of pipes...

"it goes under that boat there, or maybe it doesn't. It's red any way. The pipe I mean and it comes out near those houses. They are not really houses are they, more like flats. Flat packed flats. Bit of an eyesore really."

He seemed to like the word really and his voice seemed to hang at the end of every 'really', we half expected a lush to creep in but we were disappointed and we made our way back into Cardiff Bay at an araf speed. See what I did there?

Next stop was the toilets, I was anxious, I didn't want a repeat of the naked men from last time so I gingerly opened the door and looked in. Empty. The walls were still paper thin and you could hear everything happening in the ladies from the mens side and I assume vice versa. It's a bit disconcerting at first because with the way it echos you assume the noise is from your side and then spook yourself when you realise all the cubicles are empty convincing yourself it's a phantom pooper. It's only when you walk around the toilets that your hearing adjusts and it all becomes clear. Suppose the gentleman that did come in as I was listening to one of the doors to check my theory was concerned, he certainly looked worried and nearly turned back but I made a quick exit to avoid suspicion.

So back to finishing off erecting the summerhouse whilst this sun lasts and enjoy Britains annual summer week before Autumn returns on Friday.

Todays blog was bought to you by Rain. Official weather of the Olympic Games.

 

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The DR16 Is Connected To The GH26

It did look a lot different when it arrived, no longer did it look like the garden summer house in the photo but rather more like the worlds most complex 3D jigsaw. With over 600 parts to assemble I think the estimate of two men and one day in the instructions is a little optimistic. So yesterday we were both stood in the garage wondering where to start, or indeed when to start building it.

Delivery was a different matter altogether, two delivery people arrived with one flatbed lorry, our load was at the bottom of a very large pile of heavy wood, not the smartest way to pack a delivery that was one of the first to be off loaded so immediately they had a problem as the weight of the other loads was too heavy to be lifted by two people. After an amusing episode that I watched with slack jaw they used various objects to lever the weight off our load which cumulated in a case of four tins of tomatoes getting crushed and a close call at decapitation. Don't ask. Please, don't ask, all I can say is they were new and had not delivered these items before. Yes, they were our tins of tomatoes too.

Then comes the long task of checking everything is there and you just know that something vital is going to be missing. 1,2,3... and so it went until I had a little list of ticked boxes with marks for missing bits and extra bits. Not bad, pretty much everything there all in batches numbered 1 to 30 with each number having a .1, .2 etc to break it down further not that any of this mattered as I picked up the construction instructions.

It made me feel like this poor chap, all the instructions used a letter and number system. Doh!

So this morning I am translating part number 13.1 to SD16 and 2.5 to WG903 whilst trying to decipher the ambigious instructions, just hope I have got them the right way up otherwise we are going to get a boat instead. Hang on, what a great idea, build an ark, if today's weather is anything to go by we're going to need it!

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Grim Grind Gone For Good

Recently we bought a mini mixer/chopper for the kitchen, it wasn't expensive but it promised to do everything we needed which in our case was to primarily blitz garlic and ginger or tomato into a workable pulp. It looked the part but after using it several times it had a few drawbacks. Firstly it had a ridiculous mechanism that had to be locked in place to work. The bowl had to be twisted in, the blade inserted and locked followed by the lid which again had to be twisted into the correct position. That's three safety devices to ensure you don't lose your fingers and end up with a useless dibber instead.

I understand where they are coming from but please do we really have to have a lengthy set of things to do before you can operate it? How about just including the device in the lid, a much more simpler method and I'm sure as safe as the other two. Anyway the point is that after only four or five times the safety mechanism broke rendering it useless. Natch.

Let's go back to my childhood, in the 70's kitchen devices were made to be lethal, forget safety, it didn't exist, kitchen appliances felt dangerous, felt professional and felt well built too. We had chippers that required a whack of a fist to drive a spud through a square cutter, electric knives that doubled up as power saws and mandolins without finger guards. Even out of the kitchen some of the gadgets that could be bought included a glass cutter to turn beer bottles into ashtrays, a do it yourself barber kit that comprised of a comb that you loaded with razor blades, I remember one occasion at the local market where a stall had gathered quite a crowd as a chap threw tomatoes into the air only to slice them in half ninja style with one of the most wickedest looking kitchen knives I had ever seen' I'm sure it was called a Rambo Bread Blade or something like that. He then went on to tackle cutting a shoe in two and slicing a metal tin and a piece of wood. Boy were these things lethal. Fortunately I didn't have enough pocket money at the time or I might have turned out a knife wielding psycho killer instead that chipped his victims and turned them into novelty ashtrays. Safety? What safety?

The photo above is one of those lethal devices that we still own, and the reason for still owning such a grubby piece of equipment? It works, no faff, no setting up, just plug in and go. Admittedly you can run it without the lid on exposing its lethal blades and the wiring leaves a lot to be desired but after 30 years it still works, chops and does exactly what it should without breaking down. So yesterday I decided to test it out a little and tried a few random things.

Peanuts grind down fine into a nice mushy paste whilst coffee grounds, if you leave the lid off, require a mop and bucket and possibly a stepladder to clean up afterwards. Ice makes a pleasant grinder sound whilst raw meat gives a zombie film sound effect. Bic pens splinter and coat the inside blue, bit difficult to clean after that but on I ventured with frozen peas and plastic soldiers.

See all ready throwing aside safety I was having more fun, so if you are looking for any kitchen appliances and want to fun up your kitchen duties with an electrical version of risk ditch all those fancy safe goods and raid your charity shops and flea markets. Be scared of your microwave with a crack in the door, throw items from a distance into the rotating blade chopper without a lid and see if you can poke your finger in and out of the egg beater whilst it's rotating, I did and I can hold all six fingers I the air to prove what fun I had.

*Suggestions are for fun only unless you wish to lose limbs, fingers, eyesight or relish a visit to A&E every mealtime. I am a trained grinding professional and all the grinding of unusual items was done with the appropriate safety devices in place, basically I dropped stuff in and ran then cleaned up afterwards. If anyone finds my other fingers pop them in the post and mail them to Found Fingerbobs, Limb-B-Gone, PO Box 736.

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The Girl With Colitis Goes By

Have you ever been singing to a song only to realise in front of friends that all this time you have been singing the wrong lyrics? I believe in molecules, where you from you sexy thing stood in for Hot Chocolates I believe in miracles for many a year until one fateful I'll get my coat night. It seems as though it's not just me though as a quick look around the internet has thrown up tons more, some far worse than a molecule error.

So pop pickers here's a hastily put together top ten twisted lyrics in reverse orde and with no expense I have included a 'pop' video too!

10. "I believe that the hotdogs go on" from the movie Titanic.

9. "She's got style, she's got grace, she's a wiener." - She's A Lady by Tom Jones

8. "My anus has the centre holed." - Centrefold by J. Geils Band

7. "Like a virgin touched for the thirty first time." - Like A Virgin by Madonna

6. "We built this city on logs and coal" - We Built This City On Rock And Roll by Starship

5. "Hold me closer Tony Danza." - Tiny Dancer by Elton John

4. "She was a fax machine, she kept her modem clean." - You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC

3. "I wanna freak out and stab ya." - Abracadabra by the Steve Miller Band

2. "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen" - Dancing Queen by Abba

1. "Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove." - Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer

Some records just do it themselves though, take this Manfred Man classic...

There she was just a-walkin' down the street, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"

Snappin' her fingers and shufflin' her feet, singin' "Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do"

...doesn't sound much of a catch does she, I'd give her a wide berth mate.

Time for some Bachman Turner Overdrive. Rock on mateys!

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Starkers

With the latest paintings finished and delivered to my publishers our attention has turned to other things recently, primarily moving the studio and reorganising our working environment for the better. It's easy to let everything get a bit cluttered, especially when working in it everyday so it's time for a clear out. Out has gone old brushes, bits of cardboard, loose rolls of wire (why did I have that?) and assorted other oddments that have found their way into all the wrong places. I even found a comb. Now that's weird because the last time I used a comb was probably the last time I had hair, somewhere around the age of nine if I remember and even then it was a comb over. I do believe I also owned an Afro comb at one point too but I can't for the life of me think when I had an Afro. Or enough hair for that matter.

Now where was I going with all this, ah, yes, this weekend Saturday 21st is our last gallery appearance at Castle Galleries, Mermaid Quay, Cardiff Bay between 1-4pm so if you're nearby pop in for a chat only this time there will not be three naked men in the toilet (I checked, the last time I was there an Iron Man event was taking place and I was unfortunate enough to walk in on three naked men vigorously towelling themselves down all with one leg up on the wash basin, they even said 'hello boyo' forcing me to look. Awkward) AND I will not shout though the toilet walls like last time (I honestly thought it was Jayne and not the unfortunate individual in the next cubicle. Awkward.) With that image burned on my retina I'm sure there's a painting in there somewhere.

Then again, maybe not.

Urg.

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Sticky

Baller - Definition : A thug that has made it to the big time.

Yet another set of unfortunate sticker placements starts with this mildly amusing mishap but it's not long before things start getting more, how shall I say, Risqué?

He looks a strange kind of elf to me but I can see where the protection is needed, especially from the shirt and shoe combo and his strange dad dancing gurning face, surely you wouldn't need warning about this one. Bust your funky stuff at the disco though and you might find this...

I wonder if she knows he called her a 'ho', he certainly is leering a little too much. Is that a bag of chips or a loaf of wrapped bread she is holding? Maybe I'm reading this one wrong and she needs a hoe for the garden to tend her vegetable beds, yes, that's it and he's popped over to give her a fork too. See, totally innocent, what was I thinking.

Oh my! This sounds like a problem, maybe my next book can help... (I'm pretty sure Dickens didn't wear funky chefs chequerboard trousers either, or Willy Wonkas jacket whilst we are at it)

Not really, apart from rubbing it in, sorry Mr Dickens you're on your own with this one I'm afraid.

Really? I shudder to think what the other 98 are, maybe it's just a list of things to stroke and how not to get arrested doing it. Look closely I'm right, you can see a little chap at the bottom stroking an elephant.

Finally a book that's not afraid to say it like it is, obviously it's a statement on life, a self help book that tells you no matter what happens in life you are always well and truly butt holed. First in a new series apparently, other titles include the personal development book 'You Are a Sad Sack' and the inspirational 'You Suck'*

*Other titles are available from the newly formed MMMBC. Should you wish to subscribe each month you will receive from the Monthly Mass Misery Book Club a selection of five titles to disappoint you. impress friends and mystify clinical psychiatrists with your selection of mentally diverse material guaranteed to add nothing to your life apart from draining your bank account. Join for FREE today, send £500 to cover postage to MMMBC and receive a free gift.

N.B. Gift may or may not be available to all subscribers. All gifts are guaranteed to be of significantly poor quality and of delight only to those of you that prefer to be underwhelmed and disappointed.

Don't forget our sister book clubs, Books For Bores Monthly and the popular Table Top Tat Quarterly, fill your life with meaningless drivel today!

BONUS! join today and we will add you to the Annoying Reading Stuff Enrolment Directory, this is a one off offer. Remember you can't be A.R.S.E.D any other way!

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Fifty Shades Of Grey Reality or What a Grey Day

I awoke to the sound of a pig oinking as my beautiful farm clock struck 5am, I sat up and stretched putting on my Hammer Toe Strap to straighten my crooked toes and easing my feet into my all day memory foam comfort shoes, shoes so comfortable they could be slippers. My elegant Josephine unisex Kaftan slipped on easily and I puffed away on my rechargeable faux cigarette whilst my breakfast of bacon sizzled away in the microwave perched on a brand new microwave chip pan. No longer did I have to worry about running out of loo roll I thought as I sat on my raised toilet seat and looked affectionately at a special gift, my toilet roll holder that stored four rolls upright and required no drilling to install. Life was good like that.

I had a full day planned, this morning I was going to install those seat savers I ordered to eliminate my sagging sofa, install a new bathroom butler, I say install but the instructions say they are shelves that fit themselves and finally screw on that new attachment to the outside tap that will turn my useless one tap system into four in seconds, that tap multiplier really will get me wet. Which is a good job really as my multi pipe irrigation system for my low maintenance hanging baskets need plenty of water, thinking about it I could wear my Aerator Sandals at the same time to spruce up my grass with its 26 zinc plated spikes, better mind the hose though, not that it's much of a problem now I have a no fuss put itself away one that never kinks.

For dinner I fancy some microwave chips in my brand new microwave chip pan which I will eat off of my adjustable lap desk. I'm not worried by the extra calories either, my sit down and get a work out eazy bend exercise bike will see to that, not that I'm going out anywhere I have mattress stains to remove!

I looked at my accurate to one second in 1,000,000 years radio controlled talking watch and checked it with the alpine army one on my other wrist, better get a move on I thought.

It's quite surprising how fast time goes when you have things to do and now I'm sat full of chips cycling away at a comfortable 45 degree angle removing ear wax with my vacuum ear cleaner thinking of jobs for this afternoon. Pulling my companion table towards me I moved the remote control holster and pushed aside my big button easy phone just as the clock chimed duck. Ah, there it is, my tile grout pen, I could whiten those grotty areas that keep cropping up and install that cheeky folding shower seat next to my 33 percent longer mould free non slip bath mat.

Pushing my way through the practical bamboo curtains I have in each room and making sure my pest repellent force field digital pulse insect repellers were switched on I began having fun in the bathroom. Before long I had built up quite a sweat and sat down on my portable booster cushion as thoughts turned to tea time.

Chips it is in my brand new microwave chip maker, have I told you about it? It's great, apparently it also cooks bacon and chips. Did I say chips before? Can't remember, anyway have I told you about my microwave chip maker?

Can't sit chatting dear I have to go to bed, the clocks chimed donkey and it's way past my bedtime, I don't normally stay up past goose and watch you don't trip over the cordless robo sweeper on the way out. Did I tell you about my microwave chip pan?

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Hanging On The Telephone

"Hi Peter"

"Pardon?"

"Hi Peter Smith"

"Errr, hello."

And so it started, twelve phone calls in three days on landline and mobile numbers at random times of the day, as early as 8:45am and as late as 9:15pm. Where on earth do they get our telephone numbers from especially when we are registered with the telephone preference service? More to the point is how on earth do they know exactly who lives at this number too?

Of course after the first couple of annoying cold calls you realise that it's a no holds barred have fun time so have fun I did, the next caller from the same number got this...

"...Peter Sm"

"Yes, is it about my pizza? If you have forgot my extra pilchards I'm going to come down there and bust your balls"

Bzzzzzz, it worked and they disconnected. A few hours later they were back for a little more punishment.

"Is that Peter?"

"Is that really you? Do you really still work here? I need you to tell me so I know who I'm looking at"

That freaked them out a little and they disconnected noisily, probably looking over their shoulder but like a dog with a bone they really couldn't stop themselves and the very next day they tried again.

"Hello Peter", bit more polite I thought.

"Sorry I can't hear you clearly" I said banging on the table, "The police are just about to raid my crack house, can you call me back" I said in my poshest voice.

Silence on the other end ensued.

Bang! I dropped the phone. "Oh no! They have broken the door down!" I pushed the phone around the floor a little for effect then disconnected.

As you can see I was getting a little more dramatic each time, opportunities like this don't come along often so I let rip.

Day three.

"Hi Peter can I..."

"You have reached a restricted number in the UK that is monitored by the digital legal protection agency. Your phone call is a breach of national security and will be reported immediately. Your case number is 76248 should you wish to appeal against your fine. This is a recorded message and will now disconnect"

After checking some of the numbers and the way the telephone preference service works I found out that it really doesn't work unless the calls originated in the UK, many firms are now using this to bypass the service and route their calls so they come from out of the area covered so it looks like I will be getting many more in the coming days, I just wonder how more inventive I could be.

"Thankyou Sir or Madam, you have dialled the future, I am not a recorded message I am the McFly iTalk the latest innovation from Appleberrypie. Your options are - Press one to hear the winning lottery results for the next draw, press two to hear a cute noise, press three to teleport your pet, press four to order your own hover board or wait to be connected to the deity of the day. Thankyou for calling McFly iTalk, your call is important to us, please hold if you agree to us calling you every day for the next ten years. Thankyou I have added you to our preferred callers list. Have a nice day"

 

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