Christmas With The Impossimals PT 1

Yesterday was the opening event in a festive Chester when Castle Galleries turned over to an invasion of Impossimals with a diverse collection of limited editions, oil sketches and originals adorning the wall. We arrived quite early so we could take in some of the splendour of this great city but as with all these things we were here not to sight see but to celebrate ten years of Impossimals with all the collectors that have supported us over the years.

The event was to be held inside this grand building, impressive from the outside as is most of the buildings in ancient Chester.

The gallery had made a magnificent Impossimal display that covered the entire top floor of the gallery and on cue at exactly 12'o'clock the appearance began...

It got very busy at times as collector after collector came through the door to celebrate. With plenty of Impossimals to view and drink on hand both myself and Jayne found ourselves pretty much tied up until the end of the event at 3'o'clock but it didn't stop there.

We managed to chat about a lot of things during the day including for the first time these unique oil sketches, these differ from the previous ones as they are sketches that break down the painting process to include all the codes and colours that goes into them. So for the very first time you can see exactly what colour I used first, how I mixed them and more importantly the first draft from imagination to canvas.

We met loads of people on the day and the event had to be extended a few more hours to cope with the demand and we finally left happy and exhausted just after 5pm.

All that remains is to say a big thank you to Castle Galleries, Chester and all the collectors who came along to Christmas With The Impossimals. One down, three to go.

The next free event is at Castle Galleries in Solihull on the 24th November between 1-4pm so come along and join us for what promises to be a spectacular Impossimal fuelled day in a great fun filled gallery.

See you there!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Yay!

The general weirdness of the blog takes a break as the weirdness travels to you because today is the official start of the Christmas With The Impossimals events, four appearances with everything Impossimal. We are at Castle Galleries, Chester between 12-3pm today so come along and enjoy the fun, it's free and everyone is welcome!

For the day we have managed to secure two oil sketches, 'I Love You Too' and 'Never Let Me Go' as well as a major piece shown above called 'Because I Love You' and plenty of other Impossimal related prints and sculpture.

So if you want to know a particular story, a piece signing or just fancy a chat we will both would love to see you there a little later :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Meet The Artist

Hi, I'm Peter Smith and you can meet me and my wife Jayne at Castle Galleries, Chester tomorrow the 10th November between 12-3pm for the first of the free Christmas With The Impossimals event. Meeting artists can be awkward, they are normaly covered in paint and act strange so to soften the shocking blow here is a few facts about myself without mentioning the colour black.

I have a pelican that helps me mix colours. Here Derek helps me mix a deep blue using his beak as a handy tube squeezer, he can often be found mixing various concoctions around the studio and snacking on sardines. Occasionally he will paint the Impossimals with me using a foot wing combination allowing for dramatic feather led brush strokes. Derek, unfortunately will not be at Chester tomorrow, he's painting a portrait of president Obama for the White House.

Timothy is my odd job Tapir, he finds objects for me to use in my creations, he was especially useful in creating my most famous installation 'iSpy Plastic Eye' a collection of eight carefully crafted eyes laid out in the shape of a shape emphasising the shape's shape like quality.

Timothy is shy and although he has allowed me to use the photograph of the installation he helped me with he will unfortunately not be with us in Chester.

I once painted a grumpy cat on the side of a horse, everything was fine until Neil, the horse decided to visit the zoo. An irate tiger thought it was a portrait of him and the very next day I was mauled in my studio.

He has since apologised and replaced my bloodstained smock and hat. He spends his time out in the garden playing with Neil. Unfortunately both Neil and Stan the tiger will be unavailable this weekend due to holiday commitments so will not be joining us at the Chester appearance.

So sorry for that, for this opening event at Castle Galleries, Chester you only get me and Jayne and not the chance of a mauling or indeed a chance to share mixing tips with Derek. We will however attempt to keep you entertained with plenty of Impossimals, a cracking original, two oil sketches and of course booze.

All welcome, see you tomorrow!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Clubs You Didn't Know Existed

Keep informed on current trends with this handy guide to the latest 'must join' list of clubs that you may not be aware of.

Forget boring stuffy book clubs of old, you don't want a book of the month or to trawl through your kindle looking for that 'special' book instead join the Spicy Club, a book club that only has 'special' books. Every month we find all the latest smut for you and offer it in one handy compilation book of juicy snippets. Why read the whole of Fifty Shades when all you are looking for is page 86 and the ripping of tin foil. We bring you only the best unedited versions of all those rhythm classics bound together in one volume delivered under plain wrapper.

Be disgusted and delighted in equal measures as you read paragraph after paragraph of unstoppable filth, from Lady Chatterly to Whip Me With Your Rhythm Stick, from Animal Farm, the non Orwell edition to Oh Missus, They Do Like It Up Em'. We even go to the trouble of highlighting the really good bits for all you speed readers out there or for those of you with little private time on your hands.

'He rose up and looked at her melons. 'Squeeze them.' Sarah Akimbo whispered. Taking them in his hands he gave them a good fondling. 'Only £1 each and I'll throw in a pound of grapes' she added from behind her grocery stall.

The Spicy Club, smut made simple, join today for the introductory price of £250 per month or download our app iSmut for daily doses of disturbing dross.

Ever wondered if that caravan that passed you was a Sprite Major V1.523 or a Buccaneer 3? Do you want to know the best horning for a Cavalier Sport? If you answered yes to any of the above then this club is for you. Join the rest of the members as they both try and satisfy your needs with a weekly publication detailing all the manufacturing changes and paint colour charts on over a thousand caravans.

Never again be stumped with questions like 'The Carousel or the Compass, which has the better toilet?' and learn handy tips from caravanning and camping experts Pat and Derek.

Dear Pat & Derek, How do I keep my soap dry in my horning?

Simple dear, just pop it in the leg of an old pair of tights and hang it from one of the poles to dry.

Join today and receive your free caravan sticker - I'm a Tugger, are you?

We have all been there, you turn up to the pond naked with your rod and your the only one, how embarrassing. Now you can find like minded people with Nangling, the ONLY naked angling club that won't laugh at the size of your rod. Spend long hours shivering beside a river dipping your worm along side others, chat about naked hook accidents or just suffer hyperthermia amongst friends.

The only club where a tackle box raises a chuckle and course fishing takes on a whole new meaning. With fishing events planned every month and our special Chub Club Barbeque once a year you can not afford to miss this exciting opportunity to go Nangling.

Please. I'm lonely and only started this club up to find people like me.

I have my own rod that I can share.

Wham Bam! See the stuffing fly with the World Toy Fight Club. Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Buzz Lightyear and Barbie? In our specially built cages we hold no rule duels to the death using a variety of weapons. No toy is safe, plastic vs fabric, wood vs fur, we don't care, only last week Bagpuss defeated Mr Bump in our special Cage Rage event with a solid blow from a giant spiked club.

See Noddy flail Kermit into submission in the exclusive event Nutter Noddy vs Krazy Kermit. Watch in awe as Tinky Winky raises the Night Garden to the ground in our explosive event Teletubbies Napalm Nightmare. Place bets with our on site bookie, Chewbacca The Wookie and enjoy drinks at Club Ken where entertainment is supplied by Sooty and Sweep with Sue supplying the dancing girls.

Occasionally we have celebrity events such as Chuck Norris vs the entire cast of Trumpton, or Jean Claude Van Damme vs the awesome double team of Hong Kong Fooey and Top Cat.

For fight fans everywhere the WTFC is for you, let the stuffing fly!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Jingle Bells

This is just a selection of the hundreds of entries to sort through judging Evergreen Art Cafe Christmas Card Competition celebrating everything Impossimal and already it's tough. Both myself and Jayne have so many favourites in both categories with some wonderful ideas such as Impossimal reindeers, glitter covered Stripes and even a jolly Impossisanta. So we would like to thank all the children that entered over the last few weeks for their hardwork and imagination making this competition very special indeed.

The winners of course will be presented with their framed entries during our appearance at the gallery in December and have their artwork turned into Christmas cards for sale in Waitrose, all part of the fun that is Christmas With The Impossimals, four events celebrating ten years of everything Impossimal.

So this weekend sees the opening event in Chester, everyone is welcome to come along as the gallery goes Impossimal for the day with unseen originals, unique colour coded oil sketches and all the latest work. We will both be there to chat about the Impossimals, sign dedications, talk about my mental state when I write off the wall entries for the blog and of course thank you all for being part of the Impossimal journey.

We have events paced every couple of weeks at different locations, from the grand opening this weekend to a return to super Solihull which is always a packed event, our first visit to Daventry for the cumulation of the competition and finally a right Christmas send off with our final appearance at the awesome Original Art Shop in Trentham.

CHRISTMAS WITH THE IMPOSSIMALS EVENTS

10th November 12-3pm - Chester - Castle Galleries

24th November 1-4pm - Solihull - Castle Galleries

8th December 12-3pm - Daventry - Evergreen Art Cafe

16th December 12-3pm - Trentham - Original Art Shop

Look forward to seeing you there! :)

*All proceeds from the card sales will be donated to the local children's charity, Pete Spencer's Helping Hands Memorial Fund.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Auntie Dreary

Auntie Dreary is the advice column of Dreary Cushion, the agony aunt for the popular publication Soft Furnishing And Psychology TV Guide, a weekly magazine devoted to all things psychologically comfy.

Dear Dreary,

I have recently noticed an object looking like a six foot bean bag on my settee that refuses to go away. It's really started to annoy me as its always there when I come home from work, it never moves, occasionally it grunts and worst of all it's now started to demand food and steal the remote control. What is it Dreary and what can I do to get rid of it?

Concerned of Dulwich

Don't worry dear, it's a common problem, there is even a special name for it, your six foot badly stuffed beanbag is called a husband. Unfortunately they are quite stubborn and take some shifting, other unfortunate sufferers of this problem, called wives, often swap tips on husband removal and you should seek their advice. Withdrawing food and water will get them to move occasionally but only as far as the kitchen, my best advice to you is to get a nice little flowery throw and whilst its sleeping cover it up.

Dear Dreary,

My best friend has suggested I get a tattoo on my bottom to make me more desirable, I however have doubts, I don't want the small person from Fantasy Island drawn on my nether regions and much prefer a butterfly, how do I tell my friend I didn't like Fantasy Island?

Big Butt Bertha from Brum

Calm down dear don't get all in a lather, you are forgetting that he also played Nick Nack in the James Bond film, Man With A Golden Gun so having Tattoo on your bottom is actually quite cool, you could even use your ample arse as a pretend cave so Tattoo could be peering into it or out of it depending how much pain you wish to endure. As for your friend buy yourself a nice little throw and every time she mentions Tattoo or Nick Nack simply cover her with it.

Dear Dreary,

I have several cushions on my bed that match my feature wall, should I buy a throw for the end of the bed to match?

J.Oke of Tunbridge Wells Knitting Circle

No,No,No dear, your problem is your bedroom and its lack of use. I recommend a healthy dose of man action to restore your confidence. If that's a problem then visit those nice people at Sann Hummers, they have some excellent ways to bring back the spicy things in life and pretty soon you will be swinging from the lampshades. Next time don't be afraid to talk about sex dear, it's quite natural you know.

Dear Dreary,

The spark has gone out of my marriage, my husband dresses up in my clothes even when I'm in the house and leers at passersby from the bedroom window whilst shouting obscenities. I'm at my wits end, what can I do? Should I leave him or seek professional help?

Desperate House Pet of Pontefract

It's perfectly fine to dress windows with pelmets and curtains when you have more than six cushions on your furniture. Maybe a nice woolly rug would distract from your decor, alternatively buy yourself a nice little throw and some doilies for the backs of the sofa. One large cushion surrounded by six others can make a dramatic centre piece in any living room. Be bold with colour dear and you will feel better in no time at all.

Dear Dreary,

I am repairing my car and need a single 2mm sprocket grub screw but only have a 3mm grimble clip and a piece of rubber tubing, will it work as a replacement?

Mike Canic of Garage

If you shave a little off the grimble clip you will find the rubber tubing can be attached perfectly. I take it you have a Ford Mustard V2 judging from the use of a 2mm sprocket so on that basis, yes it will work. Just make sure you have a 6mm crocket anti clockwise spring to hold it all in place and everything will be fine.

If you wish to receive professional advice from Dreary Cushion then comment below on this blogs Facebook entry or alternatively write your problem on a ten pound note and post it down the back of the sofa.

Bye bye Dreary fans!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Big Bunny

On Friday I spent most of my time using a hammer to bash in my thumb, I mean really bash it and whilst I was at it I decided to hit a few other digits too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of sadist no matter what my local DIY store thinks, it was all down to the nightmare that is cable clips.

I was installing a webcam in Bunnyopolis so we can get bunnyview 24x7 which involved thirty five metres of cabling, quite a long run and as most of this was around the outside of the house it required quite a lot of cable clips to secure it properly. Here's where the problem was, in this world of infinite cheapness we seem to find now days any 'improvement' to a product is invariably made to a) save money and b) cause inconvenience and it was so with the humble cable clip. To save 0.0000001p per clip the nail that secures the clip had been shortened that far that only children under the age of six months could hold it. Not only that but the plastic arch withered under the slightest hammer blow. I compared them to the ones I bought last year and yes, they had sadly been improved so resigned myself to a few hours of pain halfway up a ladder.

So I found myself testing the resilience of my left thumb accompanied by a varying degree of potty mouthness depending on the severity of the blow. It's quite amazing how much pain you can take, mere glancing blows soon felt like fairy taps and it was only the ones that drew blood that I noticed. Finally with a thumb looking like Spam hit with a rolling pin I flicked the switch and...

...Bunnyopolis flickered into view. Live bunny action, well, live bunny sleeping most of the time to be honest, lit the screen. So we found ourselves glued to the screen last night, we can even view it on the move which is nice, Aaran, Jura and Iona were completely unfazed by all this technology although they did seem to be showing off a little more now that they were on camera.

This was taken around 8pm, followed by another eleven hours of sleeping lolling bunnies, broken only by the occasional nosey out the bunny flap if a noise attracts attention and of course to go and munch on the hay bar. Unfortunately it completely discounted my theory that as soon as we walk away and shut them up for the night they put on slippers, smoke pipes and chat about us and the strange things we get up to. I'm convinced that when you get really close and nose poke them their fur smells of fine cigars but Jayne just says I have an over active imagination.

Unless of course I am right and they now do it all off camera, that unfortunately shall forever remain a mystery.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Who Ya Gonna Call?

CASE NUMBER 435 - DOUBLE TROUBLE

The first we knew of the event was when the Toastbusters hotline rang. A full soft white farmhouse slice apparition had appeared at an undisclosed location, they are terrifying at the best of times but this had a new twist, it was in the shape of Elvis. Witnesses say moments before they glimpsed a power cord snaking around the corner and feared it might be the beginnings of a Toastergiest infestation.

We climbed into Breville One, the official Toastbusters vehicle and loaded our biggest toasting fork and our toastergiest pack.

Specially developed our toastergiest pack contained everything needed for taking down bread based apparitions and Toastergiests. Tongs allows us to keep a safe distance, a wide spatula for crumb capture, a tomato shaped timer so we know when a toastergiest is about to burn and finally a small cheese knife. Actually that last item is just for us, we do like a bit of cheese and Toastbusting is hungry work indeed.

We arrived at the scene, a kitchen in a typical house but the evidence was quite clear, a white bread Elvis, classic Toastergiest grade one activity was still there. Carefully using the spatula we placed it in our click'n'lock lunchbox, specially created to hold sandwich spirits, although not many people know that and use them to keep food fresh, a waste really, they are precision storage units and must not be operated by untrained individuals.

Just then we heard a noise behind us...

A cup had mysteriously appeared on a nearby cupboard, it wasn't there moments ago, at least we don't think it was there, not that we really noticed as another noise made us turn back to where Elvis was found, amazingly our Toastergiest had another trick up its sleeve.

Tea cup lining or as we in the trade call it Teatoplasmic activity, a mild version of Parabiscuit activity. For it to show this amount of Toastergiest activity it must be close.

'There, it's here!, quick!' I yelled as the Toastergiest whipped around a corner. 'Get it before it disappears or worse starts Toastoplasmic Ejection!'

In hot pursuit we chased it up and down the stairs and readied our tongs for a full frontal assault. When all of a sudden it disappeared leaving behind a trail of untoasted medium white in its wake.

It obviously wanted us to follow. Slowly we crept around the house following the bread based path until we had found our way into the hallway. We heard a 'plink' and several white shapes flew past our heads missing by inches. 'Toastoplasmic ejection! watch out one of those things could cause a nasty scuff!' Squares of bread were now furiously flying at us from the lounge, one lethal looking Warburton half and half toastie cruised past at lightening speed taking out our cups of tea.

I stuck the camera around the corner and fired off a quick snap for the records, the Toastergiest was in full ejection activity.

Whipping its flex furiously slice after slice whistled through the air, how much more can we take? Using the spatula as a shield we decided to charge the Toastergiest, if we could jam the tongs in the toasting slots we would have a chance of disabling its defences, only then could we deal with it using our Hoovervax Dust Bag Cyclones, specially developed vacuum cleaners that when the streams are combined create enough suck to strip bark off a tree.

We rushed forward, tongs extended under the merciless assault of a thick crust battering.

It was a trap! Hidden behind the sofa was one of the most feared apparitions, a dreaded Binshee. With a terrible howl that we will never forget it disgorged its entire contents in our direction foiling our attempt and scaring the bejeebers out of us at the same time.

We didn't mean to run but let's be fair, would you want to tackle the fearsome combination of a Toastergiest and Binshee under an assault of crusties?

The case was closed the very next day when the occupant of the property decided they had had enough of Bakernormal activity and asked me not to disclose their location. So on that cheery note if you find a bread Elvis or suddenly find a cup in an odd place, beware, you coud have a Toastergiest.

You have been warned.

Don't have nightmares.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Jimmy Tar Brush

As you can see we received lots of quality catalogues through the post today. Did I say today? yes, today, at the ungodly hour of 5:30am when the letterbox rattled to the sound of these being forced fed to our house. Who, and let me say that again, who on earth leaflet drops at 5:30am? Who are they employing, foxes?

I know times are hard but allowing foxes to leaflet drop is a bit harsh, next we will have hedgehogs delivering milk and squirrels delivering the mail as the cut backs bite. Did you know we even had a leaflet through asking if we as a responsible householder would have and guard a salt bin on our property? Can you imagine that? It further added that the salt was for the highway only and although it may be on our property we should under no circumstances use any of the salt for our own benefit. Well, I'm glad they cleared that up as I would be tempted to use some on my fish and chips.

As you can see, today I'm mostly grumpy and it's all down to the events of last night when I visited a local DIY chain...

I hate self service at the best of times but it seems that our local DIY branch has decided it's better to employ three members of staff to watch you struggle with the checkout service rather than man it themselves so it was with no surprise when I scanned my first item, the roof sealant pictured above, it screamed for attention because, and get this, I needed to be screened by an assistant to confirm I was over 21.

'Ha,ha,ha' said the assistant, 'That's a new one, you're obviously old, I'll just check it through for you'. She missed off the 'enough', 'old enough' is a lot better than 'your obviously old' but I was more taken aback when she then said 'You're not a pervert are you?'

'Wha! Scuse me!'

'Well, it must be used by some perverts or something otherwise it wouldn't have aged checked you'

Again, there are times in my life I stand gobsmacked, it's black roof sealant, even with my twisted mind I cannot think of any sexual deviancy that requires black tar unless of course gutter plugging is a common term and I'm naive. Either way I don't want to find out.

'They must get up to some disgusting things with it' she carried on.

'Thank you young lady, I'm here to buy sealant to seal things not talk about the potential thrills you can get from household items. Do you want to check my other things? I have a small bit of ducting here do you want to ask me what I am going to do with that?' I ashamedly realised I had used the term 'young lady' placing me firmly in middle age.

'Why, what are you going to do with it?'

'Well, I might stuff it up my bottom and pour in the sealant whilst hammering these panel pins into my testicles.'

'There's no need for that.'

'You started it.'

'Yes, but I thought you were a pervert.'

Now you can understand why I'm grumpy today, I have visited the DIY store many times only to find they have everything I don't need and are out of stock of the things I do, not only that over the course of the years I have been accused of being a varnish sniffer after wanting to buy yacht varnish, questioned over my use of glue and finally this, being branded a pervert who nails his tar covered nuts to a table for thrills. Just great, I bet they have me on file somewhere. Watch out for this bloke, he's a varnish sniffing, glue fetish pervert who sticks plastic items up his bottom and has creative uses for nails and tar.

Bet he's an artist too it adds, almost as a prediction.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Bonkers

I have a particular fondness and obsession with the intricacies of the written word, fuelled I'm sure by the late great Ronnie Barker who's genius wordplay in his comedy sketches are second to none. I mean, who could forget the classic hardware store sketch some of which is below.

(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)

BARKER: Four Candles!

CORBETT: Four Candles?

BARKER: Four Candles.

(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)

BARKER: No, four candles!

CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!

BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!

The four candles, fork handles play on words is actually called a oronym and is a british dialect homophone, I know all this is a bit much for a lighthearted Thursday morning blog but bear with me. There are plenty more that could have been used, ware, wear, where for example are interchangeable but change the context of the sentence. 'Where's the soap?' and 'Wears the soap' changes context when you imagine two nuns in a bath saying it to each other.

Anyway, one fun thing I discovered when I was young was YYURYYUBICURYY4ME, way before text speak was the norm and I used to try and make these up. It actually says 'Too wise (YY) you are too wise you be, I see you are too wise for me'. An old one I made was I82CUPB4ME, which is actually quite lame and based on the far superior LOLOAQICI82QB4IP. Did you get it? The first one is 'I hate to see you pee before me' and the second is 'Hello, Hello, a queue I see, I hate to queue before I pee'

The alphabet is an incredibly complex code, if the alphabet is written down the normal A to Z way it can be reordered a staggering 403,291,461,126,604 times without repeating a sequence. Which brings me to my next obsession, numbers.

I wasn't particularly good at mathematics at school, it wasn't that I couldn't do it I just did it differently to get the same result, not good when you are asked to show your working out. Some of the things I used to puzzle over was questions like how many times could ten men sitting next to each other change the order they were sitting without it being repeated. The answers always fascinated me, it's 3,628,800 times by the way, but I used to go one further and calculate how long it would take if one change was made each day. Unfortunately they wouldn't live to see them all as it would take 9,935 years, forty days and be an incredibly pointless pastime not to mention a hinderance to life. 'No sorry dear we can't get married on the 24th, I have to go and sit in position number 22,536, it's my turn again to be second from the left and I simply can't miss the chance. Sorry.'

I once read a brain teaser that kept me occupied pre-calculator days for a number of hours, quite simply it said 'Arrange the numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and 9 to add up to a hundred exactly. Grouping numbers I worked away in blocks looking for a pattern, I even used my trusty ZX-81 and wrote a small routine to crack it. Eventually it came up with the answer which was unashamedly easy looking back, 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+(8x9)=100

All this though has been a bumbling dribble to explain the background to this.

A new chapter of intrigue, Back To Front, pulls together eight stories and my obsession with letters and numbers to open up a larger timeline in the Lost Impossimals universe. The paintings will take a while yet to complete but the stories are well underway. Secret societies, unbroken codes, royalty and even the odd scientist all play their role as we discover just where the Sherlock Sidewinder went, who has the key to the secret garden and what on earth is a Chocolate Crackercat.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Oh No, He's Back :-(

You thought it was all a bad dream but no, the Doctor is back with his greatest adventure yet!

Travelling in his extraordinary postbox shaped time machine that moves through time and space under severe restrictions such as only being able to travel between 9am and 5pm on the same day and only being able to transport the Doctor to supermarkets Doctor Do's adventures are legendary amongst Do Do's, the Doctors biggest fans, let us join the Doctor on his latest adventure.

For those of you unfamiliar with the good Doctors adventures you can find the previous episodes below

Previous episodes available

Episode 1 - Doctor Do And The Horlicks - click here

Episode 2 - Doctor Do Run Run And Rise Of The Garlics - click here

Episode 3 - Doctor Do Goes Dogging - click here

Episode 4 - Doctor Do And The Frankenfood

Sat in the gloom of the Tardydis the Doctors Casio watch barely illuminated the inside of the postbox. It had been a while since he had bothered to leave the confines of his home and he lived entirely on what he could find posted through his slot. He knew he had to move the Tardydis before people became suspicious that their mail was not being delivered, which was a shame as he had enjoyed a small box of birthday chocolates posted that very morning and had become very tipsy on the liquor filled ones.

The Doctor pressed the special button to destinations unknown and swiftly the Tardydis vanished leaving behind a circular pile of rubbish that would confound scientists. Normally the Doctor would know precisely where he was going but after snapping off the control stick pretending to be a bus driver when he came home drunk a few nights ago all he had left was a small stub that could be barely moved. The broken article joined an assortment of coins, lint and Werthers Originals in his pocket.

It was a rough ride, the combination of chocolate, alcohol and last nights kebab rode his stomach like a giddy flatulent goat when suddenly the Tardydis landed with a thud. 'Jesus! my guts!' Exclaimed the Doctor as he gingerly opened the postbox door feeling rather worse for wear and letting out the foul odours that had been trapped inside.

'I need something to settle my stomach, that last tequila whiskey brandy slammer may have been a mistake, besides I used the last of my giro buying it.' Stumbling from the Tardydis he stepped straight into a dog egg and spent the next ten minutes gagging whilst he removed the worst of it from his shoe with a stick. 'Great, just great, I travel through space and time in a revolutionary machine breaking the laws of physics only to fall foul of a poop prize.'

The Doctor had landed outside an upmarket branch of Waitnose, recently refurbished everything was shiny and new, something not lost on the Doctor. 'Wow, it's come up trumps, I have been transported into the future! I wonder how that happened? It must have been the stick I broke off.' The Doctor pulled the broken control stick from his pocket still not realising it was actually the same article he had cleaned his shoe with.

'Smells funny but I can't see anything unusual that would alter time travel.' The Doctor pocketed the stick once again and strode purposely into the supermarket marvelling at the swish Star Trek style doors as they automatically closed behind him. 'Amazing, I wonder what date it is? If this is the future I should have a look around and get the lottery numbers.'

The first problem came when the Doctor reached the stairs, they were not stairs, they were escalators. 'Well I never!' Exclaimed the drink addled Doctor, 'Metal hills that move! How cool is that. I bet they have robots that shop for you, pills you eat for a full Sunday dinner and an automated checkout that you do yourself. Maybe not that last one, that's a little far fetched, I mean allowing you to checkout your own items, it's like working for them isn't it?'

The Doctor unaccustomed to the new technology stepped on the escalator and tried to walk up them. After a few minutes he realised you needed to step on the ones going up to get anywhere and not to try taking a trolley with you. Sliding down the rubber belt that was the hand hold was a mistake, with two rubber burns on the insides of his legs he strode cowboy like further into the store. Everything seemed vaguely familiar although there was plenty of new items on the shelves he had not seen before and even further in the store he found the meat counter. 'Hmmm, Billy Bear meat, I wonder what animal that comes from? Maybe a genetically modified beast called a Billy, yes, it must be now I think about it, if I remember correctly they have Billy farms where they herd them together and feed them up on flamingoes to give the meat its distinct off pink colouring. Hmmm, Olives? I wonder why they are called a colour? Now this looks interesting, black pudding that looks neither black or pudding like, what curious things they have in the future.'

In the bread aisle the Doctor was in for even more of a surprise. Tiger bread. 'Bread made from tigers! They have even used the stripes! In my day tigers were considered endangered and now, in the future they are used to make bread!, shocking, just shocking, whatever next? chocolate biscuits made from Penguins?'

'OMG, in the future our food is made from endangered species, this cannot be happening! Chocolate made from frogs!, they even call them by their pet name, this poor one was called Freddo and look at this, a Lion bar! Mankind must be warned, it's tampering with the Eco system, we must save the animals for future generations so our kids today don't look back and think bulldogs are just clips or foxes are just mints!'

Wary of shoppers identifying him as an animal activist willing to stop the vile practice of turning endangered animals into ready meals the Doctor immediately armed himself by stealthily sliding a pepperoni stick up his sleeve for a handy baton and pocketed a few eggs to be used as grenades. 'This must stop, I need to take these items back to my time as proof.'

It was with this heroic thought that the Doctor began stuffing his pockets with evidence. 'Crab sticks, oh no! All those crabs losing their sticks it doesn't bare thinking about, Tiger Prawns taken away from the jungle and made to swim, Chicken of the Sea, those poor, poor sea chickens and Dolphin frendly tuna, poor dolphins have had their best friends taken away people, don't you care!' the Doctor screamed, immediately drawing attention to the fact that his pockets were stuffed to the brim with goods.

After a brief chase the Doctor found himself cornered in the bakery department in the futuristic hell he had landed in. Brandishing a French stick and his pepperoni sword the good Doctor challenged all comers to 'Come and have a go' according to the arresting officers notes. Several witnesses came forward to describe the Doctors final moments as he furiously beat off security with blows from his rapidly disintegrating bread, one security guard ended up in hospital with severe bruising after receiving several pepperoni stabs to his arm and yolk injuries from an egg granade which exploded on the nearby cake counter.

Over eleven pounds worth of damage was caused and several floured baps had to be removed from display after it emerged they had been poked by a contaminated stick.

'You are in big trouble Sir.' said the officer pointing to the Doctor sat in the managers office. The manager just shook his head and opened his drawer. 'You seem to be under the illusion that this is the future, you do know that it's not real don't you Sir?, Sir?''. The Doctor was not listening, his attention was drawn to the manager who had reached to the back of the drawer and pulled out a Yorkie bar.

'Dog murderer!' Shouted the Doctor as he leapt up and broke the managers nose with a concealed cucumber, a weapon hidden for occasions just like this.

Ahem, now I have got that off my chest don't forget that today is the last day to enter the Children's Christmas Card Competition by Evergreen Art Cafe with a chance for the winning entry to be on sale in Waitrose! Full details can be found by visiting my website and clicking the link or visiting www.evergreenartcafe.co.uk.

Christmas With The Impossimals events seem to be expanding as more galleries climb aboard, we will now be adding The Original Art Shop in Trentham to the list with a special appearance on Sunday the 16th December, I'll post full details of all the appearances later on this week on the website.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal