Christmas With The Impossimals Pt 2

Hi, it's me, Peter, this Saturday the 24th Of November myself and Jayne will be appearing at Castle Galleries in Solihull between 1-4pm for another free Christmas With The Impossimals Event and your all welcome to come along.

Artists can be scary in real life so to prepare you here's a few things you need to know. Being an artist means that my diet must meet strict colour criteria so I will only eat food that is red. This in no way restricts my diet, if a food is a different colour I will cover it in tomato sauce before I eat it, simple!

I do like chillies though and I can often be found in the garden attending my special Capascicumgiganticas fiery spicy flue buster chillies. A chilli that once eaten allows me to belch flame over twenty feet, of course I will not be doing this at this weekends event so don't worry about getting scorched.

More often than not I can be found every day at the bottom of one of these, it's all in the name of art as every week I save all the corks up to add to a new art installation.

It's called 'Corked!' And so far included all the corks from this weeks bottles, around 243 to be precise and is assembled around forty beer cans and a bottle of scotch, essential artists equipment used to silence the inner turmoil. Of course I will not be bringing my cork collection with me this weekend.

In my spare time I attend to my three giant rabbits, each one is over twenty feet tall and weighs the same as two double decker buses. They live in Bunnyopolis, a purpose build construction with over 20,000 cubic feet of space hidden behind a waterfall in the garden. Facilities include satellite and radar coverage of the UK and early warning systems spanning the globe to alert the buns to the possibility of free cabbage.

They do knock me about a bit though so with that in mind they will not be accompanying us both at this weekends appearance.

Peter & Jayne will be at Castle Galleries, Solihull on Saturday 24th between 1-4pm, before the event you will find them sitting in the skip behind M&S swigging from a wine bottle wrapped in brown paper.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Well I Never!

In our continuing series of handy DIY hints today I demystify sandpapering, from the rough to the smooth, sanding any wood is a lengthy process involving dedication and a good right arm. Firstly decide what you would like to sand, it's recommended you sand materials like wood and wooden wood things although you can sand many things around the home. Shiny new table tops can be made to look dull and rough with an healthy application of sandpaper. Create an aged feel to children by using the roughest sandpaper to wipe them down at the end of a day or use a smooth grain to buff up sausages after cooking and also to remove sharp and burnt edges.

If you are using coarse sandpaper you will find the roughest grain has the dirtiest words on it for identification. The one shown above is a medium grain indicated by the mild expletive written in large letters on the front. For a really heavy grain you will need to choose carefully between your four letter words. Grades like Tit and Futtock should only be used for light sanding work and is particularly useful when dusting around the home, a quick wipe down of any surface will leave it smooth looking even though it may remove varnish or paint randomly.

To show you how versatile sandpaper can be take a block of wood as shown above. Simply select your sandpaper and very carefully sand away the edges and the inside to be left with this.

A perfect wooden ring, ideal for marriages between puppets or even for the noses of wooden bulls. With a little skill you can even fashion yourself a new set of teeth or a delightful ornament in the shape of a tapeworm.

Sandpaper can be used for more than just sanding, cover your living room floor with sandpaper to recreate that holiday beach feel and remove rough skin from you feet at the same time. Sandpaper covering a toilet seat will cut down on sitting times if you have a large family whilst wall papering with sandpaper will allow you to smooth any object around the house with a quick rub of the wall. For really smooth results you will need to switch to Emery paper, a paper covered with the mineral emery that gives a really fine finish and doubles up as a male fancy dress costume from the 70's. Simply strip naked and Sellotape Emery paper over your naughty bits to arrive in style as 70's cross dressing comedian Dick Emery.

I hope you found today's guide useful and informative, if you have sanded anything unusual and wish to share it then contact us directly at ihavebetterthingstodo@gooutsideandmeetpeople.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

New And Improved!

'Fill this in and sit over there' the Gruffalo eventually said after pointedly ignoring us for a few minutes whilst she talked about someone called John and an episode with a boiled sweet. I started to fill the first form in but was rudely interrupted by the Gruffalo asking me if I was deaf. 's'cuse me? You said fill it in and sit over there so that is what I'm doing'. 'You do it OVER THERE.', by now she had filed me under difficult and annoying not to mention simple and possibly hard of hearing. 'Over where exactly?' I asked, unsure as there was quite a bit of over there to choose from. 'Over there.', she indicated by flicking her hand in the general direction of the rest of the world and giving me a look that you would normally receive if you had taken a dump in someones handbag.

It's going to be one of those days I thought as I clutched my questionnaire, patient sheet and medical history form and took a seat in the dentists with a bewildering amount of paperwork to fill in. I compared forms with Jayne, we both had different ones. We sighed, we had filled in these forms over and over again each time we visit and each time they get bigger and bigger.

Here we go, title, surname, first name, e-mail, occupation, hang on, occupation? It's not a bloody job interview so I wrote astronaut. NHS number, what the hell is an NHS number? Underneath it said to find your NHS number click on this link. Nice if you can do it but I tend to find links printed on paper do not take you to websites easily when pressed. I pressed a few times to see if we were indeed in the year 2153 and was almost at the point of returning my form as faulty when Jayne stopped me, we were both laughing and Gruffalo looked like she didn't like laughing. In fact she tried it once in 1978 whilst watching an episode of the Goodies but quickly realised that fun in any form should not be allowed so her face had been a permanent downturned mouth since.

Sex, yes please! It always gets me and I'm sure they always find it amusing when people answer it that way, what's next? DoB, well I don't own a DoB so I left this one and moved on. Address, telephone, mobile, email, inside leg... It went on and on... When did you last visit the dentist? Oh, I don't know, you tell me. Oh, sorry, you have only been my dentist for the last ten years so how can I expect YOU to remember, silly me.

Next of Kin, wha! Since when has a checkup been life threatening? What are you planning to introduce torture check ups? Or marathon drill sessions to test my stamina? Oh, here we go, the meaty stuff, Are You Currently... Taking suppositories!? Wonder what triggered that question, I'd love to know the background to that story. Do You Suffer From Any Infectious Diseases? Suffer Indegestion? Allergic to Rubber? Did You As A Child Or Since, Have Growth Hormone Treatment In The Mid Eighties? Have Brain Surgery? These are are all true questions obviously designed to help insurance companies screw more money out of us at some future time when they can point out on your death bed that in 2012 you said yes to the question 'Have You Ever Eaten A Hotdog', our policy clearly states that you should never eat hotdogs or your life insurance is null and void, goodbye Mr Smith.

Then we get to the good bit, the filthy habits. Units Of Alcohol Per Day/Week/Month and of course Have You EVER Smoked In Your Life? I did of course get carpet burns one night, does that count? it was pretty smokin' but really I can't remember as I had just finished my usual tipple of two bottles of JD a day.

Last but not least come the off the wall ones no doubt tailored to get more business. Are You Satisfied With Your Teeth? Do You Wish Your Teeth Was Shaped Differently? As a matter of fact I do, if you could carve them so when I bite people it leaves my name imprinted on them that would be great and whilst we are at it I always fancied my back teeth to be made into hexagons and little crosses so I can unscrew things without resorting to an alan key and screwdriver, a sort of Swiss army mouth.

Do You Wish Your Breath Was Fresher? It depends what I have been licking I wrote, If You Could Alter Your Mouth What Would You Most Likely Change? The face and body surrounding it probably. Finally, the last question... Is There Anything That Frightened You In The Past Which You Are Anxious About Now? Well, when I was young I was biten by a small dog in a tartan coat so when I pass kilt shops or tins of shortbread I go into meltdown.

Really, what a load of tosh, I know that records are needed to maintain standards and safety but seventy, yes seventy questions is a little over the top. We were sent upstairs to sit an wait, at least that's what the Gruffalo told us to do, but she smirked as she said it which ment only one thing, there was no chairs. Revenge was her only aim and we both stood at the top of the stairs in a confined corridor barely two feet from three seated individuals. Five people in a red hot waiting area six feet square, I could smell feet too.

Anyway, not to bore you further we had our checkup and got poked around the mouth for sixty seconds then returned to the Gruffalo to cough up the thirty five quid and stepped out of the door to walk into Mansfield.

If you ever fancy going back in time when visiting Mansfield then Sally Twinkles is the place to be, a delightful shop full of buttons, ribbon, cloth of assorted variety and old fashioned display cabinets, not much has change from when I used to visit this as a child, even the staff remain remarkably endearing and batty in equal measures. There's not many places you can find three sizes of silver bells for Jaynes Foreverbunnies, or indeed a ribbon counter run by a ribbon obsessed assistant who loves ribbon order according to colour tone and texture. It was a bit of a oasis today for as soon as we left the madness returned.

'That will be £8.20 please.' Our cheerful assistant replied from behind the health food counter. Jayne pulled out a ten pound note and asked quite innocently 'Would you like the 20p to save your change?' Which of course is Jayne actually saying don't give me £1.80 of change to slush around my purse. I don't think we would have had an any worse reaction if we had said devide 534 by 73 then add your shoe size and age to the result before multiplying it by 9 and adding Pi to seventeen decimal places. We watched in amazement as she stopped, I mean really stopped as if somebody had pulled a plug on her and her eyes rolled up to the ceiling as if she was watching a balloon floating away. I swear if the store was quiet we would hear the sound of a marble rolling around an empty glass bowl before finally plopping into place. 'Err, I don't do mafs'. Walking away Jayne muttered 'Do I look like I work in a bloody arcade?' as she struggled to get the £1.80p in 10 pence pieces stuffed in her purse.

On to the next one, I needed an extra box of contact lenses, a simple matter, I return to the opticians, ask for a box and pay my money. Oh no you don't, not today, for today the world has been collectively hit by a stupid stick.

'Do you have any of these please? I need an extra box.'

'I'll just check' our assistant bounced over to a cabinet and pulled out a box. 'Here you are, name please?'

'And address?'

'Telephone number?'

'Have you or do you suffer from dizziness, headaches or impaired vision?'

'Do you plan on wearing these lenses for concerts, driving, ski...'

'Hang on young lady, I have come in here to buy an extra box to top up my stock that you deliver every three months and have done for the last four years not take a medical, I think by now I have got the hang of these contact lense things, here I'll take one out of my ear to show you. You mean they should go in my eyes? You don't say, we'll there's where I have been going wrong, it probably explains why I keep answering the iron and phoning people with a banana.'

'Oomp, I'll check'

I have been in here a million times I thought, every time it's a new assistant and they have to 'check'.

'Ah, you're back, any news on the can I have them front?'

'I'm afraid I cannot sell them to you.'

'Why? You have just sent me two packs through the post last week why can't I have a pack to top them up?'

'You need an eye test first.'

'Wha! Sorry? I could have sworn you said I need an eye test, funny thing is you said the same thing when I came in for my eye test last week, you know, the one where they render you nearly blind blowing air into your eyes then ask you to read small lettering fifty feet away that spells the word P E N I S'

'Oomp, I'll check'

'Too right!' I said indignantly marking me out as a bit of trouble no doubt.

'No, you need an eye test first' she said upon here return.

'But I have had an eye test, look on your computer, it was only last week, you served me!'

'Sorry, you have had an eye examination not an eye test'

'What's the difference?'

'On an eye test they use the charts to determine if you need a different prescription'

'But I did that!'

'Yes, it's part of the eye examination.'

'So what's the difference?'

'You didn't pay for that its part of your contact lens contract, you need to pay for an eye test before you can have the lenses.'

'You're plucking joking! (use your imagination), I need to pay you to have the same test under a different name to top up lenses that you sent me last week that were only sent because you sent me a letter telling me I needed an eye examination before you would send me lenses which I did. What, is this some kind of initiative test? What do I need to get my next boxes? teach a dog to dance? or maybe learn to walk on stilts?'

There followed a lengthy to and fro with various assistants until finally a senior optician 'allowed' me to take them.

'That will be £16.95 please!'

'Wha! no, that's more than what I pay each month for a box'

'Thats what it says here, do you want me to check?

'Of course I want you to check, I had made sure I took a half days holiday so I could fanny around in the opticians, be my guest, check away!'

She returned with a burly assistant that reminded me of the Gruffalo, 'I have met your sister today.' I said.

'Pardon? You said this was too expensive?'

'Wha! no, I said it's more expensive than my boxes I pay for each month by direct debit and wondered why it is more expensive.'

'The price reflects the convenience.'

I really don't believe I'm hearing this, 'So let me get this right, I drive into town, come into the store ask for a box, get questioned for six hours, save you postage and I'm willing to give you money for them and you are charging me because you conveniently have them available for me to buy?'

'Yes, if we didn't stock them we would have to order them and that is an inconvenience to us, so we have them in for your convenience.'

Conveniently or inconveniently depending on how you look at these things I didn't have a shovel with which to beat the entire staff with. It took another five minutes of gentle persuasion before I finally got them at the not so convenient normal price. It makes me wonder where will it all stop, will they start charging entry fees to supermarkets because they are convenient? Convenient is the new buzz word along with 'for your benefit' which never is and the 'I'm going to disguise the fact that this product is inferior' by adding the words new and improved to the front.

So for your convenience I am levying a charge on today's blog, obviously if it's here for you to read its convenient, if I don't post it somehow it will inconvenience me in ways I haven't though of yet so please leave your donation in the hat provided and fill out this short questionnaire.

1. Name

2. Have you ever touched a dolphin on the moon?

Please answer truthfully, all answers will be checked by the government, police, opticians, dentists and possibly the Queen. If you have never touched a dolphin on the moon there is a further charge to validate your claim, please fill in form number 174/72/A and include the appropriate payment to cover our inconvenience.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Special Gifts For Special People

Yesterday we bought you the ultimate Christmas gifts, today we bring you Megagifts, our XXL selection of Christmas Gifts to blow you away. From the useful to the exhilarating our latest gifts will leave you stunned and amazed.

Let's start off with a couple of romantic gifts, how about a free hug experience? Yes, hugs absolutely free! For £12.99 we will reveal Britain's most huggable location shown above. Just visit anytime on your own between the hours of 1am and 4am for your free hug. Guaranteed to change your life our free hug comes with the guarantee that you will not have been hugged like this before. Ever. Treat yourself today!

Want to find that perfect partner? Then look no further, with this always in your fridge a healthy, long lasting relationship and marriage will ensue, probably. Desert bars that are of the perfect match for couples that match perfectly. Cement your relationship with Marry Me bars and trick unwitting partners into asking 'Do You Want A Marry Me?'. 'Yes, Please! I'll book the church right away, lets go find a dress, a ring, sort out the seating arrangements, book a vicar, book a church, book a honeymoon and make sure we don't invite Aunty Mabel because of her wind problem.'

Grab your Golden Ticket your going to Willy Wonka's!!! For the nominal sum of £567.23 your goldish looking ticket freshly printed on glossy inkjet paper will give you exclusive access to Wonka's secret factory shown above. Find out just what it feels like to be Oompa Lumpered. Try Wonka's new lickable lap dancing pole or brace yourself to visit Wonka's special red room for an experience that will put a look on your face that is difficult to remove. Ticket non refundable, over eighteens only, wear clean underwear. N.B. Location changes frequently to avoid 'sightseers'. Experience may be recorded and broadcast on various websites live for training purposes.

A brand new delivery here at SHODDY allows us to bring you the brand new iPhnoe 4 at the bargain price of £10. Yes, for just £10 you too can have your very own iPhnoe 4 and have access to the latest technology like the new Applely Maps App called iMlost, guaranteed to place you in the middle of nowhere everywhere. Use it for all those times you don't want to visit friends and relatives. Sorry, my iPhnoe gave me the wrong directions to your house, maybe next time eh? Maybe never with the new iPhnoe 4 from Ranco. Full ingrish instructions included.

The perfect husband. Does it exist? Is there a man that will please you every day of the week just by being there? One who always smells fantastic, always quiet and will sit with you never complaining, doesn't need feeding and fulfils your every need? Well, there is now, Brownie Husband will do all this and more and when you are sick of him just add cream and he turns into the dessert of your dreams. Also comes with optional chocolate fingers for a small nominal charge.

Be the envy of friends and neighbours and disguise your house from undesirables with our false nose and glasses. No longer will your house look 'traditional' with this stunning addition that will be the envy of everyone that sees it. Using your front door as a make shift mouth you can pretend that your house 'eats' people as they enter, hilarity will ensue I'm sure. Planning permission is not required but I'm sure when the council find out they will be laughing along with you. Optional extras include battery operated moving eyebrows and a snot dispenser for those unwanted doorstep guests.

Finally a word from our sponsor Grumpy Cat.

'Thank you for support, in this world there are two types of people and I don't like either'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Christmas Shopping Made Easy

We at Shopping Home Offers During Dinnertime Yields channel, SHODDY for short have a massive list of bargains to fulfil everyone's Christmas needs and make shopping as painless as possible whilst delivering fantastic gifts at fantastic prices for all the family.

First up is for the man who has everything, a back shaver. No more getting the wife to trim your back hair with shears, all it takes is this handy tool and you will be back stripping in no time. Comes complete with three extra blades and a set of matching first aid plasters. Why not add out hair catching belt to your order for the ultimate in back tidy trimming.

With chart music now seemingly out of touch with the majority indulge your loved one with the sound of clattering sticks and tinkling bells as four grown men hit each other with inflated pigs bladders to the tune of a penny flute. Instantly you will be transported back in time to a gentle period where men wore brightly coloured clothes and danced around each other ignoring girls. Bliss.

If you don't fancy a bit of light music why not settle down with a nice mug of tea, light your pipe and put your feet up to the tune of a Brimmington Master Plough turning over twenty six tons of soil. Over six hours of tractor rolling action. See entire fields ploughed in less than an hour, marvel as we join the POV camera action from the drivers seat of a Spudstoker 2000 as it performs a hair raising thirty six point turn with a muck spreader! Order today and receive the XXX rated video Spicy Sheep Pt II Ramtastic absolutely free!

Tea bagging as you are probably aware is the art of folding tea bags into unusual shapes. Imagine receiving this delightful tea bagging book in your Christmas stocking and spending Christmas Day tea bagging all the relatives. This step by step guide will allow you to transform the humble tea bag into elephants, ducks, rockets, skyscrapers, planets, universes and mugs of steaming hot tea right here in your own home. Invite friends around to tea bag, make delightful gifts for tea bagging parties and for the adventurous amongst you try tea bagging blindfolded.

*NB Since this books released it has been bought to our attention that Tea Bagging is NOT tea bag folding. Buyer Beware!

Want that fancy new drill but also need something for the wife/girlfriends Christmas stocking? Our two in one designer leopard skin cordless power drill delivers on both levels. Your wife/girlfriend will be impresses/thrilled with this combo present which can be delicately displayed on any dressing table for admirers or used to secure shelves, drill masonry or screw screws. An optional clutch bag attachment is recommended for all those pesky drill bits.

Maybe you have a friend with a delicate problem, you know, one that you find a little difficult to bring up in conversation. Well our new range of Blunt Books uses children to get their message across in a delightful charming way. From drugs to alcohol, from public nudity to uncleanliness we have a book for every problem. Show them you care, let them know you know their problem this Christmas.

Also available 'Mummy, Why Do I Look Like The Milkman' and 'There's Wally' the ultimate Where's Wally spoiler book.

Know a cool person? Maybe it's you? Maybe it's a friend, either way then can upgrade their coolness to awesomeness using this handy guide. Just buy this book and dress in jeans, a comfy sweater and have a haircut just like this awesome guy on the cover and you will be awesoming awesome stuff everywhere. Awesome!

If you have any children and they have reached that tender age approaching their teen years then this book will help them through the rest of their life. A book to be cherished as it teaches everyday lessons through the use of expletive language and graphic illustrations to show the process from childhood to angst torn twenties through the cocky thirties, coping with middle age madness, the quick slide downhill with saggy bits and ultimately, death. It doesn't get any better than this, the book that keeps on giving.

Finally a book for that problem we all get time to time, needless to say this multi-million selling book has been reliving the symptoms of constipation since 1972. Written in a jovial familiar style it details just how to release Pooh effortless and painless with the help of a few friends.

We hope with have given you a few must have items on today's show, as usual, all our goods carry a money back guarantee that no money will be given back, you can have our word on that.

A SHODDY production for Freesat Channel 525536.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Let's Get Quizzical

Time gentlemen please! It's the bi-annual weekly fortnightly once in a blue moon pub quizzical quiz of quite queer questions, so eyes down for a full house, here's your starter for ten and the chance of winning naff all.

1. What was the original name for 7-Up?

2. Muhammad Ali and William Shatner all claim to have seen a what?

3. The part of Alex Foley in Beverly Hills Cops was originally going to be played by whom?

4. Slugs have four what?

5. In London's 1911 Juvenile court records what was the offending word shouted that caused one individual to be charged?

That's about all I can think of for the moment so if you want to too your self up the bar is still open. I'll give you a few minutes then I'll reveal the answers.

Two pints of lager and a Babycham Miss? Certainly, would you like a cherry in that?

Right, pens at the ready...

HOW DID YOU DO?

1. BIB-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda, quite a mouthful really.

2. A UFO, although in Shatners case I cannot believe that his judgement may have been clouded after all those years on the Enterprise, come to think of it Ali had a few blows to the head too.

3. Sylvester Stallone, and if you think that's strange Indiana Jones was going to be played by Tom Selleck and Dustin Hoffman was offered the role of Rambo in First Blood.

4. Noses, that explains the trail then.

5. Celery, if you then added Rhubarb you were probably deported.

Thank you people, thank you, if you could all calm down, they are all entirely true so less of the swearing please. The bars about to close so if you want your last orders, get them now. You at the back, you're barred, I know your type.

You've had your fun, now f'off!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Gazing

With Jayne's Foreverbunny debut only a day away an unexpected parcel arrived at Bunnyopolis. A gazebo, an essential tool for outside events some of which she has booked in December. To make sure it doesn't look like a scene from Carry On Camping the first time it's set up we had a trial run in the garden. It was a good job we did.

The instructions try to be comprehensive but only succeed in describing what can only be taken as dance steps. Hold opposite legs and gently step away from each other, turn to your right and approach the opposite leg, again pull the leg gently away from your partner whilst walking backwards. Be careful of obstacles when doing this manoeuvre such as trees, furniture and sharks. Actually it didn't say sharks but then again it didn't say don't erect it in the sea.

So anybody looking down on Bunnyopolis would have seen two people waltzing the gazebo waltz as the mini 3m x 3m tent slowly erected itself and took shape.

Looks a bit like a wedding tent for unpopular people, just enough for the couple, a vicar and a small dog as a witness. We erected it in almost perfect calm weather, the next time this goes up is in a field on the 2nd of December and you can bet that it will be raining, blowing a gale and freezing cold such are these things. So if you find a small tent passing your bedroom window as you wake on the 2nd give us a wave as we tumble by on the cusp of a hurricane.

We have invested in some extra windbars and importantly weighted leg attachments to save using the tent ropes and to avoid a tripping hazard, apart from that there's not much to blog about a gazebo is there? It's white, it's very tent-ish and its got flaps and plastic windows where you can pretend by walking slowly past them whilst gradually bending your knees on a pretend set of stairs, that it indeed has a basement.

It gets even better to passers by if you repeat the manoeuvre but this time come up the 'stairs' carrying a box.

If you would like to meet Jayne at any of the Foreverbunny events and be one of the first to see the full range of Foreverbunnies then a full listing can be found on the events page of www.foreverbunny.co.uk or for this weekends events see below. I'm sure Jayne would love to see you there :)

Saturday 17th November 2012 10am-4pm

Arrow Farm Christmas Craft and Food Fair

Steetley,

Worksop,

Nottinghamshire.

S80 3DZ

 

Sunday 18th November 2012 10am-4pm

Christmas Craft Fair

North Notts Arena,

Eastgate,

Worksop,

Nottinghamshire.

S80 1QS

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

I Love You Too

This was the original idea for this piece, a very simple sketch a couple of inches in size about unconditional love. The painting needed to be pure, no fussy things cluttering the image just all the power concentrated on the Impossimal and heart.

For this to work I needed an oil sketch to bring it all together and tweak the pose to have the power it needed. You can see across the bottom of the oil sketch the amount of colours I'm building up to use in the main oil painting. I moved the heart from the right to the left and made it transparent to show depth using the Impossimal stripe to enhance it.

So onto the main oil and a quick sketch out on a buff coloured board to give it some warmth.

Shadows and highlights are added using the oil sketch as reference and the colours are smoothed out as I go along.

The piercing eyes needed several layers so they go in quite early and it enables me to make sure the heart lolly is in the correct place.

That done to heart is added, more smoothing done on the highlights and shadows and fabric is painted below with the emphasis on the Impossimal gripping it.

Next comes the all important stripe, very roughly at first then it's gradually smoothed out using brushes and a fine edge is given to it using a small long haired brush.

Outside to get the benefit of natural daylight as I start to apply glaze after glaze to bring out the colours. After a week or so it gets its final coat and its complete.

'I Love You Too', part of the Impossimals you will see at the Christmas With The Impossimals events continuing Saturday 24th November with a free event at Castle Galleries, Solihull. Contact the gallery for details of new Impossimal paintings :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Egg Wallace

Welcome to Mastercheffy the Professional Amateurs, my name is Egg Wallace and we will be taking our chefs through two gruelling rounds to test their cooking skills to the limits. Helping me to judge this years contestants is Michel RouxellettecheffyIhavetwostarssoupyours, Jr's feared Sous Chef, Harmonica Jellybaby. What skill challenge do we have for them today Harmonica?

It's this Egg, one of the chefs most feared ingredients and arguably one of the most difficult to prepare. A banana, which I want them to deconstruct and come up with their own signature dish. It must be prepared to exacting standards, I remember throwing a young chef out of the kitchen for peeling it from the wrong end. In fact Michel once beat me senseless and shut me in the walk in freezer for two days after I failed to peel it with four equal strips.

Here it is fully prepared and presented to Michelin star standard. Wow, that was amazing Harmonica, I never knew you could peel a banana like that using just your teeth and thighs, can I eat it now? Nom,nom,nom...

Well, what a sorry bunch, I'm not impressed with the first contestants Harmonica, are you? No Egg, they were awful, I don't think I have ever seen a banana peeled using just your buttocks since I went to Chester Zoo and passed out after witnessing a Orangutang using this method to prepare a fruit salad.

Lets swiftly move on to the next challenge and let them show us what they are really made of.

Well, for a first dish Harmonica they have really pulled out the stops with this deconstructed pork main with a side rasher and dipping sauce. The way they have cooked the bacon in dripping, toasted one side of the bread and added that colourful splash of HP Brown sauce tells me that we are dealing with a true professional, that is a Michelin star meal if I ever saw one Harmonica. I'm impressed. Can I eat it now? nom, nom, nom...

Just shocking Harmonica, we asked them to prepare your signature dish and we get hand dived scallops on a black pudding and pea mash presented horribly on a posh plate. Everything is just too clean and it's trying to be something it isn't, it's a cooking competition not an art competition. I agree with you Egg, it's a far cry from my bosses signature dish of pie and mash, serve this in a Michelin star restaurant and I guarantee you would get complaints. When you are paying a lot of money for a dish you expect only the best ingredients, this should have been a fried battery farm egg on a hash brown, skilfully balanced on tinned baked beans. Not this rubbish, it's awful, take it away.

I quite like this Egg, the chef has obviously got good knife skills to cut a segment out of that apple so cleanly and the way the cheese is balanced shows an eye for detail. I'm going to have to disagree with you Harmonica, the cheese should have been Red Leicester and not that French stuff, it clashes on your palete, I don't know, I want to like it but that cheese is stopping me.

It's been a long time Harmonica since I have seen a chef have the courage to use tinned hotdogs, the careful balance of sinew and gristle in that meal sandwiched betwix a split cob makes my mouth water just looking at it. I Know Egg, I can't wait to get that sausage in my mouth. I know the feeling Harmonica...

Egg! Egg! Are you OK?

Unfortunately we have to leave today's episode after a dish placed in front of Egg consisted of sixteen scoops of ice cream, meringue swirls, chocolate flakes, two full squirts of canned cream and a cherry caused Egg to go into spasms of delight at the first spoonful. Just before Egg collapsed he was heard to shout 'Oh my god Harmonica!' as he went in for a second spoonful.

 

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