Christmas Shopping Made Easy

We at Shopping Home Offers During Dinnertime Yields channel, SHODDY for short have a massive list of bargains to fulfil everyone's Christmas needs and make shopping as painless as possible whilst delivering fantastic gifts at fantastic prices for all the family.

First up is for the man who has everything, a back shaver. No more getting the wife to trim your back hair with shears, all it takes is this handy tool and you will be back stripping in no time. Comes complete with three extra blades and a set of matching first aid plasters. Why not add out hair catching belt to your order for the ultimate in back tidy trimming.

With chart music now seemingly out of touch with the majority indulge your loved one with the sound of clattering sticks and tinkling bells as four grown men hit each other with inflated pigs bladders to the tune of a penny flute. Instantly you will be transported back in time to a gentle period where men wore brightly coloured clothes and danced around each other ignoring girls. Bliss.

If you don't fancy a bit of light music why not settle down with a nice mug of tea, light your pipe and put your feet up to the tune of a Brimmington Master Plough turning over twenty six tons of soil. Over six hours of tractor rolling action. See entire fields ploughed in less than an hour, marvel as we join the POV camera action from the drivers seat of a Spudstoker 2000 as it performs a hair raising thirty six point turn with a muck spreader! Order today and receive the XXX rated video Spicy Sheep Pt II Ramtastic absolutely free!

Tea bagging as you are probably aware is the art of folding tea bags into unusual shapes. Imagine receiving this delightful tea bagging book in your Christmas stocking and spending Christmas Day tea bagging all the relatives. This step by step guide will allow you to transform the humble tea bag into elephants, ducks, rockets, skyscrapers, planets, universes and mugs of steaming hot tea right here in your own home. Invite friends around to tea bag, make delightful gifts for tea bagging parties and for the adventurous amongst you try tea bagging blindfolded.

*NB Since this books released it has been bought to our attention that Tea Bagging is NOT tea bag folding. Buyer Beware!

Want that fancy new drill but also need something for the wife/girlfriends Christmas stocking? Our two in one designer leopard skin cordless power drill delivers on both levels. Your wife/girlfriend will be impresses/thrilled with this combo present which can be delicately displayed on any dressing table for admirers or used to secure shelves, drill masonry or screw screws. An optional clutch bag attachment is recommended for all those pesky drill bits.

Maybe you have a friend with a delicate problem, you know, one that you find a little difficult to bring up in conversation. Well our new range of Blunt Books uses children to get their message across in a delightful charming way. From drugs to alcohol, from public nudity to uncleanliness we have a book for every problem. Show them you care, let them know you know their problem this Christmas.

Also available 'Mummy, Why Do I Look Like The Milkman' and 'There's Wally' the ultimate Where's Wally spoiler book.

Know a cool person? Maybe it's you? Maybe it's a friend, either way then can upgrade their coolness to awesomeness using this handy guide. Just buy this book and dress in jeans, a comfy sweater and have a haircut just like this awesome guy on the cover and you will be awesoming awesome stuff everywhere. Awesome!

If you have any children and they have reached that tender age approaching their teen years then this book will help them through the rest of their life. A book to be cherished as it teaches everyday lessons through the use of expletive language and graphic illustrations to show the process from childhood to angst torn twenties through the cocky thirties, coping with middle age madness, the quick slide downhill with saggy bits and ultimately, death. It doesn't get any better than this, the book that keeps on giving.

Finally a book for that problem we all get time to time, needless to say this multi-million selling book has been reliving the symptoms of constipation since 1972. Written in a jovial familiar style it details just how to release Pooh effortless and painless with the help of a few friends.

We hope with have given you a few must have items on today's show, as usual, all our goods carry a money back guarantee that no money will be given back, you can have our word on that.

A SHODDY production for Freesat Channel 525536.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Let's Get Quizzical

Time gentlemen please! It's the bi-annual weekly fortnightly once in a blue moon pub quizzical quiz of quite queer questions, so eyes down for a full house, here's your starter for ten and the chance of winning naff all.

1. What was the original name for 7-Up?

2. Muhammad Ali and William Shatner all claim to have seen a what?

3. The part of Alex Foley in Beverly Hills Cops was originally going to be played by whom?

4. Slugs have four what?

5. In London's 1911 Juvenile court records what was the offending word shouted that caused one individual to be charged?

That's about all I can think of for the moment so if you want to too your self up the bar is still open. I'll give you a few minutes then I'll reveal the answers.

Two pints of lager and a Babycham Miss? Certainly, would you like a cherry in that?

Right, pens at the ready...

HOW DID YOU DO?

1. BIB-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda, quite a mouthful really.

2. A UFO, although in Shatners case I cannot believe that his judgement may have been clouded after all those years on the Enterprise, come to think of it Ali had a few blows to the head too.

3. Sylvester Stallone, and if you think that's strange Indiana Jones was going to be played by Tom Selleck and Dustin Hoffman was offered the role of Rambo in First Blood.

4. Noses, that explains the trail then.

5. Celery, if you then added Rhubarb you were probably deported.

Thank you people, thank you, if you could all calm down, they are all entirely true so less of the swearing please. The bars about to close so if you want your last orders, get them now. You at the back, you're barred, I know your type.

You've had your fun, now f'off!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Gazing

With Jayne's Foreverbunny debut only a day away an unexpected parcel arrived at Bunnyopolis. A gazebo, an essential tool for outside events some of which she has booked in December. To make sure it doesn't look like a scene from Carry On Camping the first time it's set up we had a trial run in the garden. It was a good job we did.

The instructions try to be comprehensive but only succeed in describing what can only be taken as dance steps. Hold opposite legs and gently step away from each other, turn to your right and approach the opposite leg, again pull the leg gently away from your partner whilst walking backwards. Be careful of obstacles when doing this manoeuvre such as trees, furniture and sharks. Actually it didn't say sharks but then again it didn't say don't erect it in the sea.

So anybody looking down on Bunnyopolis would have seen two people waltzing the gazebo waltz as the mini 3m x 3m tent slowly erected itself and took shape.

Looks a bit like a wedding tent for unpopular people, just enough for the couple, a vicar and a small dog as a witness. We erected it in almost perfect calm weather, the next time this goes up is in a field on the 2nd of December and you can bet that it will be raining, blowing a gale and freezing cold such are these things. So if you find a small tent passing your bedroom window as you wake on the 2nd give us a wave as we tumble by on the cusp of a hurricane.

We have invested in some extra windbars and importantly weighted leg attachments to save using the tent ropes and to avoid a tripping hazard, apart from that there's not much to blog about a gazebo is there? It's white, it's very tent-ish and its got flaps and plastic windows where you can pretend by walking slowly past them whilst gradually bending your knees on a pretend set of stairs, that it indeed has a basement.

It gets even better to passers by if you repeat the manoeuvre but this time come up the 'stairs' carrying a box.

If you would like to meet Jayne at any of the Foreverbunny events and be one of the first to see the full range of Foreverbunnies then a full listing can be found on the events page of www.foreverbunny.co.uk or for this weekends events see below. I'm sure Jayne would love to see you there :)

Saturday 17th November 2012 10am-4pm

Arrow Farm Christmas Craft and Food Fair

Steetley,

Worksop,

Nottinghamshire.

S80 3DZ

 

Sunday 18th November 2012 10am-4pm

Christmas Craft Fair

North Notts Arena,

Eastgate,

Worksop,

Nottinghamshire.

S80 1QS

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

I Love You Too

This was the original idea for this piece, a very simple sketch a couple of inches in size about unconditional love. The painting needed to be pure, no fussy things cluttering the image just all the power concentrated on the Impossimal and heart.

For this to work I needed an oil sketch to bring it all together and tweak the pose to have the power it needed. You can see across the bottom of the oil sketch the amount of colours I'm building up to use in the main oil painting. I moved the heart from the right to the left and made it transparent to show depth using the Impossimal stripe to enhance it.

So onto the main oil and a quick sketch out on a buff coloured board to give it some warmth.

Shadows and highlights are added using the oil sketch as reference and the colours are smoothed out as I go along.

The piercing eyes needed several layers so they go in quite early and it enables me to make sure the heart lolly is in the correct place.

That done to heart is added, more smoothing done on the highlights and shadows and fabric is painted below with the emphasis on the Impossimal gripping it.

Next comes the all important stripe, very roughly at first then it's gradually smoothed out using brushes and a fine edge is given to it using a small long haired brush.

Outside to get the benefit of natural daylight as I start to apply glaze after glaze to bring out the colours. After a week or so it gets its final coat and its complete.

'I Love You Too', part of the Impossimals you will see at the Christmas With The Impossimals events continuing Saturday 24th November with a free event at Castle Galleries, Solihull. Contact the gallery for details of new Impossimal paintings :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Egg Wallace

Welcome to Mastercheffy the Professional Amateurs, my name is Egg Wallace and we will be taking our chefs through two gruelling rounds to test their cooking skills to the limits. Helping me to judge this years contestants is Michel RouxellettecheffyIhavetwostarssoupyours, Jr's feared Sous Chef, Harmonica Jellybaby. What skill challenge do we have for them today Harmonica?

It's this Egg, one of the chefs most feared ingredients and arguably one of the most difficult to prepare. A banana, which I want them to deconstruct and come up with their own signature dish. It must be prepared to exacting standards, I remember throwing a young chef out of the kitchen for peeling it from the wrong end. In fact Michel once beat me senseless and shut me in the walk in freezer for two days after I failed to peel it with four equal strips.

Here it is fully prepared and presented to Michelin star standard. Wow, that was amazing Harmonica, I never knew you could peel a banana like that using just your teeth and thighs, can I eat it now? Nom,nom,nom...

Well, what a sorry bunch, I'm not impressed with the first contestants Harmonica, are you? No Egg, they were awful, I don't think I have ever seen a banana peeled using just your buttocks since I went to Chester Zoo and passed out after witnessing a Orangutang using this method to prepare a fruit salad.

Lets swiftly move on to the next challenge and let them show us what they are really made of.

Well, for a first dish Harmonica they have really pulled out the stops with this deconstructed pork main with a side rasher and dipping sauce. The way they have cooked the bacon in dripping, toasted one side of the bread and added that colourful splash of HP Brown sauce tells me that we are dealing with a true professional, that is a Michelin star meal if I ever saw one Harmonica. I'm impressed. Can I eat it now? nom, nom, nom...

Just shocking Harmonica, we asked them to prepare your signature dish and we get hand dived scallops on a black pudding and pea mash presented horribly on a posh plate. Everything is just too clean and it's trying to be something it isn't, it's a cooking competition not an art competition. I agree with you Egg, it's a far cry from my bosses signature dish of pie and mash, serve this in a Michelin star restaurant and I guarantee you would get complaints. When you are paying a lot of money for a dish you expect only the best ingredients, this should have been a fried battery farm egg on a hash brown, skilfully balanced on tinned baked beans. Not this rubbish, it's awful, take it away.

I quite like this Egg, the chef has obviously got good knife skills to cut a segment out of that apple so cleanly and the way the cheese is balanced shows an eye for detail. I'm going to have to disagree with you Harmonica, the cheese should have been Red Leicester and not that French stuff, it clashes on your palete, I don't know, I want to like it but that cheese is stopping me.

It's been a long time Harmonica since I have seen a chef have the courage to use tinned hotdogs, the careful balance of sinew and gristle in that meal sandwiched betwix a split cob makes my mouth water just looking at it. I Know Egg, I can't wait to get that sausage in my mouth. I know the feeling Harmonica...

Egg! Egg! Are you OK?

Unfortunately we have to leave today's episode after a dish placed in front of Egg consisted of sixteen scoops of ice cream, meringue swirls, chocolate flakes, two full squirts of canned cream and a cherry caused Egg to go into spasms of delight at the first spoonful. Just before Egg collapsed he was heard to shout 'Oh my god Harmonica!' as he went in for a second spoonful.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Newsmares

Newsmares is the new service bringing you all the latest news directly to your home via our journalist horror team worldwide.

BREAKING NEWS

Police have finally called off the search for Jack The Ripper after it was revealed he would now be over 130 years old. Responsible for several murders police were alerted to the possibility that they may never find him when a member of the public pointed out that we are no longer in the 19th Century and the last murder occurred 124 years ago. The 'Jack' team, dubbed Jack Officers was disbanded on Monday when 1,273 officers returned to their post still convinced that he is out there somewhere.

Should you have any information regarding the location of Jack then contact Whitechapel Constabulary by telegram immediately.

Newsfright presenter Baron Von Paxman has lashed out at the BBC accusing it of ageism after being sacked from his role in the latest shake up. Paxman believes he has been asked to leave the show because they no longer want to employ mature presenters and prefer a fresh look to attract a younger viewer. Paxman recently celebrated his 863 birthday and only found out that he had been ousted when he read the gossip column in the Daily Bat.

The government has revealed plans to introduce a new tax on cushions. Called the 'You're too comfy' tax the prime minister Dave Cameroon pictured above said 'For too long people of this country have been too comfy, I plan to make life more uncomfortable for the majority and raise funds. This extra money will then be spent on important things like expenses and other things.' A leaked report states that households with more than two cushions will have to pay a further 10% in income tax per extra cushion. Since this new stealth tax was revealed cushion burning protests have been witnessed in major cities.

'I will bleed you dry' was the stern warning from deputy prime minister Nick Biteyourneck as measures were announced to raise fuel duty by a massive 99p per egg cup full. 'These measures are necessary to save the planet and ensure that our children have a future. They categorically have nothing to do with inefficiency or the wasting of public funds on police elections or the £26 billion we have thrown away on computer blunders'. Plans we also announced to turn off all street lights from 5pm to 7am because its believed that a total blackout will be safer as people can't see anything to be naughty with.

In entertainment news Skyvamp, the latest in the Bite franchise has hit an all time high after raking in a staggering £2.56 with its opening event in Hull. Cinema goers at the Bingo Hall said it had been a fantastic experience describing the film as 'stunning' although several other viewers subsequently changed that to 'stunned'. Others were upset though even with the films soaring reputation. Mrs Ida Broomhandle told us that she was disappointed that Malcolm had been asked to cancel his Bingo calling after it interfered with the showing. 'He was rate sad was our Malcolm, callin' is his life and he lives for two fat ducks.' she added.

Skyvamp opens this weekend in Urmston's Pigeon Club with events planned throughout the UK's village halls network in conjunction with the Old 8mm Restoration Cinema Projectionist Association providing the reels don't break.

Don't have Newsmares!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Perky

After this weekends fun and japes in the gallery I thought I would share with you a few japes that I grew up with, one in particular was a comic called Krazy. It often carried fake adverts and general randomness but I really enjoyed the imagination that went into the back cover so over the course of the year it was transformed into numerous things so you could disguise the fact the you were reading or indeed carrying your comic. I don't have half of them but here's a few...

Simply roll up your comic and it becomes a handy stock of rock. Quite what I would use it for is beyond me at the moment but this additional bit of thought appealed to me in my younger years.

More useful was this, a mock up of a school exercise book which as you can see I have conveniently filled in ready to fool teacher. Simply flick you comic and it becomes just another book on your desk. Obviously it all falls apart when you open it to reveal cartoon strips but hey, I believed it could work.

Want to read at the dinner table instead of gobbling all those stuff greens? No problem, transform your comic into a place mat and voila, camouflaged comic ready for a perusal between courses. So in the spirit of the Krazy comic I decided to bring it up to date and give you your own office jape using the latest technology.

It's incredibly complex to do so bare with me, you will need a printer, a photocopier and of course a victims.

Save the above image and print it out ten times onto normal photocopy paper. Go to your office photocopier and load in the pre printed paper so the printed side will not be covered when something is photocopied. Wait. Watch. Laugh. Then promptly you will probably be sacked but that's all part of the fun.

Imagine an important meeting, a table full of serious faces all ready to go through the latest report which is facing them on the table. They all pick it up and start flicking though it, then one of them notices the word FUTTOCK! written across the report of the person opposite and starts sniggering. They in turn look over and see the word FUTTOCK! too and joins in. Pretty soon the whole office is laughing at such a clever jape and they start an internal inquiry to find the culprit and thank them for making their day. Probably.

So its Monday, start your day with a FUTTOCK! and brighten up meetings, important documents and kick start your promotion today!

Today's blog has been bought to you by the FUTTOCK! Appreciation Society of Great Britain, putting Futtocks First since 1972. The F.A.S. is part of the CREVICE and CRACK Society and in no way is associated with the MANHOLE and BLOWHOLE Club.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Christmas With The Impossimals PT 1

Yesterday was the opening event in a festive Chester when Castle Galleries turned over to an invasion of Impossimals with a diverse collection of limited editions, oil sketches and originals adorning the wall. We arrived quite early so we could take in some of the splendour of this great city but as with all these things we were here not to sight see but to celebrate ten years of Impossimals with all the collectors that have supported us over the years.

The event was to be held inside this grand building, impressive from the outside as is most of the buildings in ancient Chester.

The gallery had made a magnificent Impossimal display that covered the entire top floor of the gallery and on cue at exactly 12'o'clock the appearance began...

It got very busy at times as collector after collector came through the door to celebrate. With plenty of Impossimals to view and drink on hand both myself and Jayne found ourselves pretty much tied up until the end of the event at 3'o'clock but it didn't stop there.

We managed to chat about a lot of things during the day including for the first time these unique oil sketches, these differ from the previous ones as they are sketches that break down the painting process to include all the codes and colours that goes into them. So for the very first time you can see exactly what colour I used first, how I mixed them and more importantly the first draft from imagination to canvas.

We met loads of people on the day and the event had to be extended a few more hours to cope with the demand and we finally left happy and exhausted just after 5pm.

All that remains is to say a big thank you to Castle Galleries, Chester and all the collectors who came along to Christmas With The Impossimals. One down, three to go.

The next free event is at Castle Galleries in Solihull on the 24th November between 1-4pm so come along and join us for what promises to be a spectacular Impossimal fuelled day in a great fun filled gallery.

See you there!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal