Diary of a Lion

Being the Essex lion is a tough job, I had spent loads of time preparing for my big day and timed it perfectly when I strode across the field in all my glory trying to look as big as possible. Obviously I had over eaten for days before to get my large bulk but I also needed to get my mane to look right, after all, I was going to be a star.

It all started a week ago, I was sat thinking about how gorgeous I am when lo and behold a documentary came on the talking box that my pets watch. It was some kind of soap opera, Big Cat Diary I think it was called, lots of celebrity cats acting out stories in something called a den. From that point onwards I knew what I wanted in life, to be a celebracat!

Obviously my friends thought I was mad, Arthur had already tried his hand at the X-Cat auditions earlier this year with his failed toast catching act, whilst Tom had been booed off stage after pretending to be a dog. But I knew I would make it, and it seems the gods are smiling, royal ginger things seemed to be dominating the press, one more wouldn't hurt.

So I started to pretty myself up with a nice relaxing bath, making sure to cover my mane to keep it fluffy, because I'm worth it.

Simple dog tried to join in and uttered some rubbish about entering Britains Got Talent and going one better than dancing. Honestly diary, I don't think the world is ready for a dog wearing dentures that breaks wind to music. Stupid dog, he's so provincial.

Still dismal Dill, the depressed wig wearing self styled hipster cat was no better, instead of wishing me good luck he just shrugged and carried on eating. What does he know anyway, I'm going to be a star just you wait and see.

So here it is, my final photo before I stride out into that field, a quick hit of catnip then I'll cast off my robe and away I go, break a leg as they say in luvvie land.

UPDATE

OMG!!!!!! I'm SO excited!!!! I'm a star!!!! I had paparazzi, police escort, helicopters and everything. I'm a star! tra-la-la!!!!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

It's a Snip

 

Straight from the studio that bought you Skewer Slippers comes the latest must have labour saving gadget, Scissorspoon 2000, the space age gadget that allows you to eat and snip at the same time. With its special 'spoon' simulators combined with the slicing action of its twin blades it will make short work of paper, pasta and slugs whilst feeding two spoonfuls a snip. Rated as rank by the Whattheflipisit Poll over 99% of people in our survey placed this device above breathing. (Poll taken in our office asking Derek the only member of staff and using the question 'Do you still want a job here?') For only £99.99 you can own this collectible cutlery and for a limited time only we will give you this free!

Our patented Crain Predictor Chart. Using the latest Catalogical Barometer you can now see the likely hood of it raining cats every single day. With its easy to read layout you will know accurately to expect everything from kitten showers to full blown tabby torrents. Why, you can even laugh as your neighbours unexpectedly get caught out and end up under a pile of pussies. For further enjoyment of this free gift we also recommend you purchase our Brollybounce to deflect falling cats and our unique Hooverminx to clean up all those strays left over in the garden after a heavy downpour.

 

Rated 10/10 in a category of one by Whattheflipisthat.co.uk.com.org.biz.xxx you really cannot get any better than this and it's FREE!

As a special bonus to readers of this blog we will also throw in the Barry Manilow Radio, bop to Barry all day long at the Copacabana, sipping Manilows in your white linen trousers and sandals. From jingles to jives, from smooches to smooth grooves Barry has it all covered so you too can get that party started and be the talk of the town. The Barryboombox, only from Ronkaterrible, your one stop shop for everything you need and nothing you want.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

M ssi g Let e s

Oh dear, it seems some of the words have fallen off today's innocent little blog, can you fit them all back in? To help you all the missing words at the bottom to print out.

As the horse _____ the nun pulled her _____ and gave him a jolly good _____. The vicar who was passing was _____, he had never seen a _____ pull her _____ like that before and wondered if he could join in. The nun just _____ and showed him her _____ which was very different indeed.

Just then three _____ burst onto the _____ and whipped out the largest _____ they had ever seen outside of a rhythm club. The vicar and the nun _____ then _____ ! Several passers by _____ and two took _____ , never before had they seen _____ and _____ going at it like like that before. It began to _____ and pretty soon everyone was _____ to the _____ . Slowly they all _____ and _____ until the _____ could take _____ and they all went to _____ with a big smile on their faces.

THE END

*Wept, todger, badgers, humper, old maid, spoke, looked, amazed, spank, bucket, gaping hole, forking, truncheon, naked, trunk, joggers, budgie smugglers, booty, stroked, pull, thrust, small pipecleaner, pictures, fainted, royal, crown jewels, Vegas, billiards, clowns pocket, back door, pushed, pummelled, smashed, ate, drank, stroked, cucumber, potato, baby carrot, hung, dogs, sheep, like a boss, secretary, planking, fireman, stripper, pole, soaked, bone, wet, core, bent, hospital, nurse, nuts, squirrels, a goat, actor, television, floor, over the table, up the alley, no more, home, pony, two pigs, a brown cow, the grocers, the swimming baths, the sauna.

*note, all words may or may not be applicable to this innocent little story.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Peppery

'I'll have a 100g of the sundries tomato stuffed olives, 100g of the garlic stuffed and four of the blue cheese stuffed please'. Not a massive amount of olives to order and really we just wanted to try out the blue cheese ones.

Little did we know that there beyond time and space is another dimension - a dimension of such weirdness you move into a land of shifting sands, random thoughts and silly signs. You don't know it yet but you have crossed into the Twilight Olive Zone.

We should have realised when we saw our deli counter assistant trying to halve an enormous piece of Parmesan using a breadknife. It was obviously a struggle, the knife was stuck at ninety degrees in the centre of the cheese and she was puffing and panting using both hands to push down with little success. Really what would have happend if she had slipped would have involved us picking up ten little fingers as they ran down the double edged blade and spoiling our day.

'Uh?'

'I would like some Olives please'

'Oh'. We looked around, the shop was deserted but she seemed strangely disappointed that we wished to buy something, either that or it was because we had stopped her digit removal fun momentarily.

'I'll have a 100g of the sundries tomato stuffed olives, 100g of the garlic stuffed and four of the blue cheese stuffed please'.

'These?' she said pointing to the stuffed mini peppers.

'No, those, the green ones with red poking out of them'.

'These?' pointing at the anchovy stuffed ones two bowls away.

'No, those, the green ones with the bits of red in them'.

'You mean the olives?'.

'Yes, the bloody olives, do you even work here or are you just paid to try and lose body parts for the customers?' I said inside my head but my mouth settled for a calm 'Yes, those please'

As you can see it didn't get off to a cracking start.

'How many?'

'100g please'. Oh my god, this is going to be painful, not only do we have to describe the food we are also going to have to remind her every three seconds. Fighting the urge to leap over the counter and take over we patiently waited a few minutes watching her carefully balance the olives in the plastic container trying to get exactly 100g. We stopped her as she chopped an olive in half to get it right and just before she quartered that piece too. OMG.

'Its 101g, is that, er, er, ok?'

'101g is fine, although we were hoping for 101.00001g but hey you can't have everything, right?' There followed a laborious process with the labelling machine until it choaked out a trim little label then a further few minutes of fumbling as the lid refused to seal.

'Anything else?' she said brightly, obviously her mind had drifted back to the thoughts of other ways to skirt with danger in the deli.

'Yes, a 100g of the garlic stuffed please'

'These?'. I came to buy olives not play show and tell, maybe they were new but you would have least expected a modicum of training to distinguish between olives and peppers. Her fixation with pointing at the peppers was unnerving, skilfully and patiently we guided her back to the olives and on to part two. 'How many?' it was about this point my mind zoomed away and I looked back on myself and exactly where in the universe I was placed. Apparently every so often an inverted black hole neutron, a very rare atom, explodes. it's only a small explosion but creates a stupidity bubble that lingers for many hours, I was squarely in that bubble and trapped by the gravitational pull of absurdness it creates.

All this pales into insignificance though when we got to buying four of the blue cheese ones. Imagine describing that we would like less than 100g and have opted to purchase just four, a risky proposition that bordered on reckless, it had already taken us nearly ten minutes to get the other two tubs.

'Four?, four? of these?' she said pointing yet again to the peppers. If you point again at those peppers young lady I'm going to take them and shove them up your nose. Give me the damn pot and you stand this side whilst I fart around in a silly hat cutting up olives accurate to twenty seven decimal points. Here, let me start the bacon slicer for you to play with, you will find it far more effective in reducing your hands to the equivelent of a dibber than that silly knife.

Words cannot describe the next five minutes, not only did we have to repeat our request numerous times but we also had a 'This days kinda silly' as a reply to 'Yes, just four PLEASE'

'Excuse me, I dont think this is right' I said as she handed me the tub.

'Why? Did you want peppers?'. When she got up from the kicking I gave her I pointed out that four olives, even of this quality should not cost the deficit of Greece and £34.46 was a little steep placing my four little olives in a category above gold ingots. With an exchange rate like that maybe you should start a Cash4Olives I suggested.

To cut a long story short and save you of untold woe as we realised all the tubs had been mislabelled we eventually left this corner of the deli after fifteen minutes only to start a new episode at the till.

Sitting in the car we pulled the lid off the sundried stuffed olives and tried one. Boy they were nice. Removing the olives though had exposed a secret. At the bottom was two perfectly formed stuffed peppers.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Mystic Gherkin Speaks!

The mists are clearing, the spirit world has spoken, the heavens have shown the celestial path and the gherkin of foretelling has sweet and sour predictions. Using careful study of the universe and no guessing whatsoever let the miracle begin...

Aries - A varied day ahead, you wil be chased by a tribe of head hunters down the high street only to find a pound coin in the doorway that you use to hide. Boa constrictors will play some part in a chance meeting with your future partner in crime. Together you will mastermind a bungled bank job and receive a life sentence for using the word piano inappropriately.

Taurus - Your bull headedness will increase, by tea time you will have horns and a swishy tail. Avoid china shops, red items and gaily dressed individuals with pointy hats and swords. Oh, and circular arenas.

Gemini - Now is the chance to expand your waistline. Being a twin theoretically means you have two stomachs and twice the metabolism so trough away guilt free safe in the knowledge that your spiritual twin will be taking all those calorie hits! I also predict that at some point today you will read this with your eyes open proving that all this is true. Believe!

Cancer - A chance encounter with a vacuum cleaner and a donkey will catapult you on to next weeks X-Factor where you will be laughed at mercilessly as you try to sing Little Donkey in the style of Jay-Z. Miraculously after spilling the beans about your childhood upbringing full of deprivation and tales of living for years in a bin you get to go to boot camp. You then find out the real use for a donkey and a vacuum cleaner and it will take another thirty years of therapy to remove the mental scars.

Leo - You will be petted by passersby until you remove somebody's arm outside Greggs. After this you will need a lion down to get over it.

Virgo - Waking this morning from the dream you had last night of eating the worlds biggest marshmallow you will find your pillow has disappeared. Virgo is gentle and delicate and prefers to stand back and analyse before stepping in, you prefer the company of goats and the colour of hiccups, which of course is Burple.

Libra - With a star sign that sounds like a cheap alcoholic drink you are probably need a quick 'nip' to get you through the day. I don't blame you really, today is a shocker. I f you could see what I could see, my god it's really is going to be bad. Shockanory is one way to describe it. Good luck!

Impossimal - A new star sign. You are a gentle person living in a gentle world, the fact that you have a rotund body, stripes, a long nose and no mouth pose no problems and you are perfectly capable of handling important items like macaroons, hearts and rabbits.

Scorpio - Today is nude day for all Scorpio star signs so shed those clothes and march proudly into work wearing nothing but your birthday suit. Be careful though if your occupation uses power tools, or hot water. Firemen and policemen may, as a sign of their position, wear a helmet.

Sagittarius - After an early start your day your commute to work will involve several wilder beasts, a dachshund called Derek and a twenty seven piece orchestra. The works photocopier will only photocopy body parts which you will send to Mystic Gherkin, PO Box 53536, Astra Plane 25, The Universe, for my perusal. Oh my! Please excuse the shaky typing.

Capricorn - Your guaranteed winning lucky lotto numbers are 23,14,17,1,2,9. *Guaranteed to win!! (*may take 52 million draws over many centuries but at some point they will win, you saw it here first!) The most gullible of star signs you will eventually work out why dogs can't look up and why putting your finger in your ear when you swallow will cause your other ear to pop.

Aquarius - You will be banned from the swimming baths for urinating in the water after being caught by the attendant. Next time don't do it from the side, wait until you get in. Further embarrassment will occur when you mistakenly ask at the hairdressers for a pullet rather than a mullet and up looking a cock.

Pisces - Now is the time to take on a new challenge and become Le Petomane a professional flatulist. Amaze and shock your friends in equal measures as you skillfully recreate the bombardment of Port Arthur, a buzz saw, popping corks and the sound of a creaking door. End your performance by blowing out a candle from ten feet away with carefull control.

The mists have fallen and the Mystic Gherkin is silent once again. Placed in its esteemed position at the back of the kitchen cupboard it will return to predict when Christmas will occur (sometime around the 25th of December) and the outcome of the world record attempt to place an elephant on a matchstick whilst it's balanced on Mr T's nose.

CLASSIFIEDS

Anne Ole Joike - Singer, book for stag, club, parties. Own teeth.

B.D. Biddlesworth - Victorian Dad, hire for children's parties. Makes sure children are seen and not heard. Specialities include balloon bursting, castor oil tasting and spanking. Comes complete with cane.

Emma Dreaming & Arthur White - Ideal for Xmas parties, for additional fee Chris Muss will attend to make a trio. Pixie dress optional extra.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Trip

Colour wheels have always held a fascination for me, in the studio I have several of these devices which contribute not only to the mixing of colours but also working with secondary, tertiary, warm and cool colours. The most complex of these is my largest wheel which covers colour relationship, these prove invaluable when working and tracking Impossimal colours against various backgrounds using the tint, tone and shade. Tint is a colour plus white, tone is a colour plus grey and finally shade is colour plus black.

Which brings me on to this, a black and white colour wheel. No, really, it's a colour wheel. Usings spatial aeronautical dynamic convolution theory is what I would like to say it uses but really it's an illusion to trick your eyes. To turn this black and white circle into colour you first need to print it out so it's approximately 18cm in diameter. Cut the circle out and puncture the centre with a cocktail stick or pin. When spun you will see different colours appear, spin it in the opposite direction for the colours to appear in a different place.

Completely useless I know but for five minutes after making myself dizzy on my swivel chair first I swear when I spun it I visited a planet called Walnetto on the back of a glitter pig and spoke with a very talkative giraffe called Archibald about the price of fish.

Jayne found me minutes later wearing a paper hat and dancing with the chair.

Powerful stuff, be careful how you use this secret black and white colour enhancer it be trippin'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Moider

Call me picky but when I'm shopping for bedside cabinets I'm not really in the market place for blood stained furniture, although the store we visited seemed to do a particular roaring trade in the stuff. It really did stop us in our tracks and I had to snap this admittedly blurred shot just to let it sink in that yes, it was blood.

It's not paint, it's not ink, it had started to take on that brownish tinge that blood goes and you know is going to be a bitch to remove from anything. Even worse it started from the bottom left corner leg, right across the front diagonally and finally across the top. Looking closely, but not that close, it even had the teardrop shape that signified a spray, possibly from a slashing a la Scream style. Needless to say because they didn't have a matching wardrobe with blood splat motif or indeed a blood soaked bedside lamp we passed on this bargain. Still, with a bit of thought and some spare parts from the butchers we could have done something nice.

Which brings me neatly on to this, something I found wedged down the back of the storage in the garage. Rabid by David Cronenberg in the trendy VHS format. I was obviously very naughty and failed to rewind the tape fully. It's part of many I found that came from the last days of the video store as places like the Blockbusters chain and the like accelerated the demise of the local video shop after it reached its peak in the late 80's. It amazing how chunky these still feel and it still makes you want to get out one of the big clunky video players and stick one in to see if it still works.

Imagine that, a blood soaked television stand, a clunky retro video player, a TV without a remote, Rabid playing on the colour portable and plenty of chunks of meat and sinew scattered around for effect. I'm sure our furniture showroom would make millions, you could call it the Rabidvideonasty with occasional table, the serial killer of lounge furniture. Nice. I'd buy two!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Korky

Dandy will discontinue its printed edition in December bringing to an end 75 years of printed history, although its characters will go on digitally the decline of its comic readers from highs of two million a week to just 8000 today is a sad loss.

One of the highlights of the year for children like myself of the 70's was the Christmas annual, basically a super sized edition of the comic you had been reading for the past 52 weeks packed full of all your favourite characters, a few puzzles, games and of course it became your bedtime reading material for the next few days. It's difficult to relate to today's generation just how important comics were during the 60's and 70's, amusement came in small doses so a weekly injection of illustrated imagination, strong stories and characters that made you laugh made all the difference.

The only thing looking back through the annuals is the casual attitide to many things that would not feature in comics of today. For instance you wouldn't get many characters other than in Viz called Dirty Dick or Spunky and his Spider both taken from the annual pictured above. Neither would your stories feature a crippled sailor beating a cat up with his two wooden legs, or indeed many characters either puffing away on cigars and cigarettes whilst others get spanked by various members of the public. Not to mention a darts match that ends up with the characters throwing darts at each others backsides. Shame, not that we should have more crippled sailors beating people up and it's not that casual violence was funny it was just that we knew the difference between fact and fiction and it was delivered in a kid friendly fashion that encouraged imagination and reading. A little bit naughty, silly and we wouldn't dare do some of the things but it was in a comic so it we knew it was fiction. Simple.

So the demise of the Dandy takes another step forward as it falls to the digital age. I know it was only a comic but it was a halfway house to a book and books built Britain, comics are fuel for imagination and at a young age its exactly what we should be stimulating as a whole rather than dumbing down. You can never replicate the feeling of holding a classic comic, its rough pulp paper and its inevitable smell after being in storage just like you can never relive your childhood so I bid farewell to Britains oldest comic as it joins cassette tapes, LP's, Watch with Mother and a multitude of other yesteryear objects in digital memories.

On a brighter note because of the Internet reading skills have risen over the last twenty years, after all you need to read to use the net, but here's the problem, only to a point. The Internet requires you to read but the use of txt spk makes one tlk like this and ultimately skills suffer. Which is exactly why you see posts like this "How do you spell droor, like the thing you put things in."

Reading skills according to a recent report have estimated that in some areas 15% of eleven year olds have the reading skills of a seven year old, so they would even struggle with my Dandy book and I find that quite sad.

Maybe, just maybe, pulling the plug on the net for just a few hours a week and having an old school pile of comics to read may just be the answer, now we will never know.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Once Upon a Dramatisation

Gift number 5,653 from good old JD dropped through my door, the latest in a long line of history I have with JD since I idly filled in a beer mat sometime during the 18th century, such is the length of time these things have been plopping through my door. Previous items have included bottle openers, key rings, clips of varying uses, calendars and enough other items to fill a small JD related museum. I used to get a little annoyed and tried relentlessly but pointlessly to remove myself from its mailing list, but, times are a changing.

The latest is a bit different, thoughts have turned to food with a recipie book that uses JD as the main ingredient on all it's stuff of course and a nice packet of steak and rib seasoning. It's not everyday somebody sends you random spices through the post and I am now starting to warm to the twice a year plop of the envelope through the door and the silly excitement that wonders what on earth are the going to send next. Unfortunately it's never been a crate of the stuff itself but hey, when they do send it I will use my JD keying, hang up my JD calendar, open a beer with my JD opener and place it on my JD placemat whilst I fire up the BBQ for a JD food fest fronted with a JD spiced steak.

In unrelated news four new Impossimal prints will be released in a few weeks time as we swing towards Autumn, I'll bring you more on that a little later.

In even more unrelated news I recently purchased a small portable radiator for the studio, it's a simple affair, you plug it I and it gets warm, not hot, just warm so you could put your hand in it all day and not get burnt. Hey, you can even kick it over and it's safe and there are no nasty places to insert objects to cause injury. So I was quite surprised when I read the instructions.

The appliance apparently is not to be used by persons with reduced mental capacity, physical injuries or sensory deprivation. Sounds a bit harsh, basically if you're hungover it's a no, no then. I mean, what type of reduced mental capacity are we thinking of? Does that mean if you have forgot where you have put the car keys you cannot switch it on? It carries on too, lack of experience and knowledge is also listed as a reason not to flick the switch unless, get this, unless you have been trained by a person responsible for your safety.

Still, it seems to be a trend, I happen to catch an advert the other day for a product, I forget what it was but it's something like a toilet fresher or something but it was animated and featured lots of fairy tale stuff. Splashed across the bottom was a disclaimer. 'Product advertised features Fairy Tale dramatisation'

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was real when that unicorn flew out of the toilet and Rapunzel used her hair to clean the lavatory bowl. I'll certainly think twice when I sit down now and i'll be sure to shoo away Billy Goat Gruff first.

Honestly! I must go now, there's Pinocchio waving to me from the garden and I must join him as we are going to Cinderellas ball where she has got some glass slippers for me to try. Here's my pumpkin coach now pulled by six mice dressed as butlers. Bye!

*Today's blog features fairy tale dramatisation and reference to alcohol. Contains infrequent innuendo's, slightly amusing sentences and sometimes facts. We do not endorse cleaning any toilet with your own hair or the wearing of glass slippers, especially when under the influence of alcohol. This disclaimer is not for people with reduced little fingers, if your little finger is littler than your middle finger then please find a suitably digitally trained individual to train you to read this disclaimer. Hickory dickory dock, the mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the others got away with minor injuries. Humpy Dumpty sat on his ball, ouch!

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Half Naked Exploding Penguins

The other day I noticed another thing in a long line of mystifying things I notice only this time it was on the washing machine. It's the symbols they use that mystify me, this one looks like I'm about to receive a loaf of bread out of its circular door whilst the last symbol that you can just make out looks like the time machine vortex in Austin Powers. That aside though I was even more mystified as I left the supermarket a few minutes ago to see a customer carrying a brand new boxed vacuum cleaner called, wait for it, for it said it very proudly on the box, the Naked Truth. Yes, a vacuum cleaner that proclaims naked truth.

What a strange concept, I can imagine what went on at those meetings.

'Right then chaps, sales at Vacu-sucks PLC have take a bit of beating with this old recession malarkey so we need a new angle, you know, sex it up a little. Give it some of that Grey effect thats out there, any ideas?'

'I know sir, why don't we change the colour!'

'Not sexy enough Simpkins, we have a product that deals with filth, ramp it up a bit!'

'How about calling it the Sir Suckalot and make it all in chrome, or, or, paint it pink and call it the Dirty Girty?'

'Close Simpkin, you're on a roll, give it some more, really let fly!'

'Err, right then, the Sucking @!*??@&? Thruster with Pulsating Throbing Handles and Ramming Action plus our first ever crevice diddler attachment.

'Whoa! Too far Simpkins, too far! Come to think of it deeply worrying too, rein it in boy!'

'Sorry Sir, got a bit carried away with that one, sorry for thrusting in your face at the same time too.'

'Try again Simpkins, just keep your trousers on and get off the table.'

'That's it! That's it Sir, Naked! Naked as nature intended with all our bits on display so to speak, you want to see the action well now you can, all that sucking and pumping on display, it shall be called the Naked, the Naked Truth!'

'Well done my boy, well done. Genius. You know what the best thing is? We don't change a thing, just make it in see through plastic and write Naked Truth in red letters on the side of the box so even people in supermarket car parks will notice it and give us a mention. Have a pay rise Simpkins and oh, go and change your trousers'

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Running With Javelins

After such a great send off you all must be missing that Olympic feeling so why not create your own using this handy guide to DIY eventing.

Opening Ceremony - Pets make excellent sheep recreating the countryside feeling as in the real event, toilet roll tubes look a lot like chimneys and wearing a moustache will allow you to feel all Victorian. Pop the radio on Smooth FM for the right music, just turn it off if Hey Jude comes on so not to spoil the fun. Light 300 candles all strapped together for an Olympic cauldron and get the family to march in and out of your living room changing clothes in between to give you that authentic feeling that Olympic teams are passing by. A two pence piece makes an excellent bronze medal, a bottle top for silver and a chocolate coin for gold.

Marathon - place the finish line at the top of a flight of stairs, run on the spot at the bottom for approximately three hours then sprint up the stairs to experience 'the wall', collapse over the finish line with the same exhausted elation of a marathon runner.

High Jump - Using different sizes of furniture start with an stool placed next to your bed for a soft landing and jump over it, gradually increase the size of furniture until you can skilfully clear a wardrobe for the gold medal.

Long Jump - Similar to the high jump this time use a line of settee cushions or several mattresses to act as a sand pit, use a placemat to act as the final step to launch from and coat this in wet paint, this will allow you to see exactly where you landed on the cushions and avoid disputes with relatives. Alternatively order a few tons of builders sand and dig a channel in the garden, scatter bits of builders rubble in the sand for extra injury excitement.

Javelin - Take a broom handle and attach a piece of foam to the end for extra weight and to avoid injury for a remarkable safety javelin. Paint a target on the wall and dip your end in a bit of paint for a new event, Javeldarts.

Shot Putt - Fill a tennis ball with cement and let harden, voila, instant shot putt. Spin yourself on a swivel seat then pick up your putt and try and to throw it though a narrow doorway to simulate the safety net effect. Your miss timed throws will safely bounce off your plaster walls.

Show jumping - This event requires two people, one to be the horse and the other to ride piggy back style. Arrange furniture in the garden adding unusual things like a settee near a pond for a water jump and upturned beds for those leg breakers on landing. See who is the faster around your course without damaging furniture or indeed your 'horsy'. You may of course whip your human horsy using a length of garden hose should you wish or indeed enjoy for encouragement.

100m Sprint - Place a bed underneath your highest window, leap from said window to drop at the same speed as Usain Bolt and safely onto your crash mat, it's the only way your going to recreate his speed anyway. Alternatively using several friends run a real 100m with all your opponents shoe laces tied together to experience that winning with ease feeling.

Swimming - Fill your bath until the water is flowing over the top, jump from a stool for a fast start and begin to swim, your head will stop you moving forward when it hits the tap end and you can carry on swimming without moving. Every twenty seconds do a forward roll and flail about until you have turned around successfully. Repeat until your metreage is complete and with a splash reach forward touch the taps to finish.

Cycling - Use bricks to raise a child's bike off the floor. Get on and pedal with a cardboard box on your head for streamlining, get a friend to blow a hair dryer at you to simulate wind. Get them to scream 'come on Team GB' or something similar for encouragement after every lap.

Trap Shooting - Using a water pistol filled with paint get a friend to throw various crockery into a room as you attempt to take them down, misses will show on the wall to allow you to alter you aim accordingly and items will be marked when hit.

Use several training steps that children use to reach the toilet to act as podiums, instead of using National Anthems use appropriate popular songs like Prodigy's 'Smack my bitch up' for the boxing winner and The theme from Blade for the fencing winner.

You can of course Supersize your Olympics by offering a platinum medal, the only event in this field though is to fight Chuck Norris which is exactly why they keep this event quiet at the real Olympics.

Closing Ceremony - Cover your house in Newspaper avoiding page three of the Sun, drive a car through your front door with friends dressed as the Spice Girls for a dramatic entrance. Alternatively burst through the door naked to feel like Jessie J and sing anything by Queen. Put on any of your old LPs to recreate classic tracks, use 500 party poppers tied together so one string sets them all off to literally blow your roof off and impress the neighbours whilst flicking your light switch on and off to the music for a dramatic light show. Finally wear a scruffy wig and hand over the responsibility of clearing it all up to a random stranger and tell them in four years time its their turn.

Voila! Instant Olympics, as a second income you can sell raffle ticket based event tickets to rooms around your house and even make a few more bob by touting them yourself at your front door to passers by.

Go Team GB!

Tomorrow how to recreate Krakatoa and host a beach volleyball pool party in your kitchen sink.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Rung

In a short series of one, today is part seventy six of Emergency! Your guide to safer living.

How often have you been trapped in a well, needed to reach a cat stuck in a tree, rescue people from a burning building or just wanted to clean those pesky high windows three stories up and only had a newspaper to hand? Well, struggle no more with our step by step guide to the Laddermagic'o'matic, you will be on the first rung in no time and you will never suffer from ladder lacking facilities again.

All you need is newspaper and a bit of sticky tape, or spit if none is available at your location. Place each sheet together as shown in the detailed instructions, beginners may need to be supervised at this stage to get the correct ladder height. Roughly each sheet will give you eight inches of erection and two rungs. In this example we are going to construct a rigid six rung twenty four inch, ideal for reaching those top cupboards.

Roll your ladder into a relatively loose roll, too tight and you will have trouble with your erection, too slack and your ladder will not maintain its erection.

To add your rungs slightly flatten your tube and cut out this rung shape, you may use a template if required to get accurate rungage.

Bend your ladder as shown in the above directions, keeping it pointed away from you at all times. Clear away small children and pets before erecting. Depending on your initial preparation and how many sheets you used its quite possible to suddenly get a twenty footer that may require two people.

Insert your finger in the exposed ladder tube and gently pull, do this both sides in equal measures until your first rung appears.

You should now have something like this, further working the ladder with more tugging will expose more rungs, pull until you can pull no more. You will know when you are nearly done as the ladder will start to go rigid.

It really is that easy, you can now see we have been left with a perfectly safe, strong ladder for everyday needs. I used this to easily climb over a shoe box, you can use yours to change that aerial, mend that broken roof tile or even let it help with all your decorating needs! *

*Paper ladders are for professionals only and will not replace the paper scaffolding shown previously. Maximum weight restrictions apply, if unsure use our toilet roll version for extra stability. Paper ladders are not recommended for ages 0-76, those over 76 do so at their own risk and must not overreach the ladders safety distance. Always use a stable surface to mount your ladder and avoid rain, fire and wind. Using different sheets of newspaper within the same ladder will generate weak points and is not recommended.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Bill Stickers

And why do we need underlay? Well, take a look here, go on have a walk on it, this has no underlay, here is our medium one and here sir is our top underlay. It keeps the pile stiff and extends wear. True enough it felt better as I walked up and down a six foot bit of blue carpet in the middle of a carpet emporium but what was wrong with the underlay I already had?

Apparently underlay used to be made in the UK from old car tyres, a noble use for such a product but underlay today is more likely to be made of sponge with crumb rubber for high traffic areas, you can even buy underlay with, get this, a low tog rating. I want to walk on it not sleep under it. Apparently using things other than old car tyres is more ecological, personally I think reusing car tyres is just as ecological, what on earth would they use them for otherwise?

In America they once tried to use old tyres as a foundation for a highway, everything went fine until they spontaneously combusted and turned the highway into the equivalent of a roll of liquorice at least they behaved themselves when turned into comfy flooring.

Admittedly our underlay looked well sad and almost down to the paper it had shed so much rubber so we decided to replace it. You would not believe the amount of questions you have to answer, is it for heavy traffic?, Are you a wheelchair user? Do you have pets? Children? Shoe size? I made that last one up but I wouldn't have been surprised to have been asked it. Then comes the guilt, would you be happy with a bronze underlay or do you deserve the comfort of gold?

Frankly, when I have to answer underlay questions using an Olympic theme I think things have gone a little too far. What's below bronze? I asked hopefully.

Floorboards sir, we have nothing below bronze.

Oh.

So we eventually sorted out the underlay then went through the usual how much for fitting? When can you do it? And why do carpet places always have balloons outside and sell beds too? I wonder who first decided to say 'I know, I'll open a carpet shop up to sell the best floor coverings available, hmm, I need something else to entice people in, how about beds, yes, beds, they go together' As most carpets are usually layed at the same time as decorating wouldn't it have been more sensible to sell paint and wallpaper, after all you could then call yourself something like Wall2Floor, which sounds like what usually happens after a wee drinky.

If you wonder why there is a picture of a label on this page it's actually taken from our old underlay. I still don't understand it, why should the label be returned with any complaint when the label has nothing else on it apart from those instructions?

Answers on a postcard please I'm off for a lay down under our new underlay, apparently it's tog rating of 20 makes it feel like the finest eiderdown.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Comic

After finding a few things the other day it set me off wanting to discover just what else I had tucked away for a rainy day. In the loft is a box I packed many many years ago when I left home, now was the time to open this little time capsule.

 

Joy! inside was my comic collection, all wrapped up although not in perfect condition. Sat on top was Star Wars Weekly from 1979, quite a comic of its time as over the course of its publication it managed to serialise all the Star Wars films and include some rather obscure adverts such as one in the first issue that proudly boasts 'Now See The Film At Home' what it really advertised was a K6 Silent Max Cine Projector for £19.95 and the chance to own a Black and White Silent 200' spool of approximate 8 minutes showing highlights from the film. Probably required a healthy dose of imagination to recreate that cinema experience but with video thin on the ground this was the best you was going to get.

Now a strange one, a comic edited by a Thargian, namely Tharg, the almighty 2000AD. This became a staple of my week with its incredibly artwork, story lines and of course the ever powerful Judge Dredd, which incidentally didn't appear until the second issue. Wish I had kept my Free Space Spinner though.

Going further back in time bought us to mighty Marvel, this issue from 1973 contained many odd items like a column dedicated to Stan Lee sounding off, adverts to convert you into a real He-Man and an unlikely villain for Daredevil in the guise of the malevolent menace of the Masked Matador which basically involved flicking around an overly large towel and taking a poke at Daredevil with a play sword that breaks on impact with anything harder than cheese. Still, kept me entertained.

The oldest item from this collection has to be the Disneyland Magazine from 1971, as far as I'm aware it was the first ever official UK magazine dedicated to Disney and although mine is a little battered It still stands the test of time with its characters, story telling and of course it's excellent artwork which at this time reflected accurately what the whole Disney experience was all about.

Just need to sort out my Shiver and Shakes, Whoopie, Whizzer and Chips, Cheeky and Mad Magazines, looks like I'm going to be here a long, long time...

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Sraw Rats

Sorting out a load of old magazines as part of my studio shift unearthed a few surprises that I had completely forgotten about. In 1979 I was in a local model shop when I noticed a special publication, for a whopping £1.50 you could by this sacred tome and learn how to model the famous spaceships you saw on the silver screen exactly as they appeared in the films and indeed real life in some cases. The list of spacecraft spanned many years, from Buck Rogers El Dorado to X-Wings, Tie Fighters and the Enterprise all the way to reality with Saturn V and the Orbiter.

Not only that, it went into detail on how to make everything look as realistic as possible using technical drawings and innovative techniques for the time, things such as adding fibre optics to the Battlestar Galactica Vipers, panel scribing to remove rough edges and add in extra details, in some cases they offer alternative constructions such as converting the starship Enterprise into a tug.

All nerdy I suppose but it was quite interesting to read all the studio notes contained, for example to show you just how nerdy it got, did you know the X-Wing Fighter is 29-foot long with a 25-foot wingspan, quad fuel burning rockes with air intakes... You get the picture.

Then I saw this. The Death Stars planet smashing laser canon and everything made sense. Forget Darth Vader and all that smoke screen, the Death Star was just a cover name, it's real name is Earth. What you are looking at is the Hadron Collider, we ARE the Death Star. Cool.

Set the phasors to kill captin' we have some planets to smash, a galactic princess to save and we all get to wear black and strut around breathing heavily.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal