Extra Special

Tomorrow, Saturday 8th December is the latest Christmas With The Impossimals appearance at Evergreen Art Cafe (www.evergreenartcafe.co.uk) in Daventry. If you do get chance to come along to this special event then you will see something even more special as the gallery has asked me to bring along my clay and cardboard sculptures for all to see. So in addition to the appearance, competition winners presentation and assorted fun you will get for the very first time to see four full models, including the ones shown above, showing the various stages of Impossimal construction and mock sculptures from part of the Impossimals development. A little bit of potted history bringing everything right up to date with models created only last week.

It should be a great day, the winning Christmas cards are flying out the door raising funds for charity and they will be for sale on the day along with plenty of Impossimals and a few special originals too.

See you tomorrow for the penultimate date in the Christmas With The Impossimals calendar!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Top Tip Tapir

Tipping top tips the Top Tip Tapir tips will enhance your life and bring you health, wealth and happiness. Maybe. Stroke my nose for extra special tips.

Tapirs Tips

Recreate a posh iPad by simply looking in a mirror and talking to yourself in 'Facetime', occasionally run your fingers across the mirror to pretend swipe.

Want a white Christmas this year? Simply cover the garden with Smash ready mix potato for a safe alternative that won't melt.

In a restaurant place a small plastic shark in your dessert and inform the manager that you have been given shark infested custard and demand a refund.

Recreate a visit from the Men In Black by drinking two bottles of scotch. The very next day you will awake in a strange place with no memory of events the night before.

Don't buy special convenience food, simply take a sandwich to eat on the toilet.

Hold any book at forty five degrees and whilst reading it slowly move it away from you for a thrilling Star Wars intro feel. Alternatively read the ending then all the pages in between in a random order to recreate a Pulp Fiction feel.

Cold hands? Simply get warm by setting fire to your gloves.

Crave attention when you break wind in a crowded elevator? Simply ask the people around you if they can smell popcorn, you'll get all the attention you need when they take a good deep breath.

Annoyed that you can't get an appointment at the doctors? Phone the vets instead and get in immediately, you may need to turn up in a cage or wearing a collar and lead to convince the pesky receptionist.

Make everyday a Scooby Doo day by adding Zoinks! to the start of every sentence and ending your day at work by saying to your colleagues 'I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky people'

Fasten strips of fatty bacon to the tyres of your car to recreate a skid pan feel. Alternatively Sellotape monkey nut shells to them for super snow grip during the winter months.

Pistachio shells banged together make excellent sound effects for miniature horses.

Builders pretend your posh by lifting your steaming cuppa to drink using only your little finger.

Tapirs Top Tip Handy Signs

Avoid embarrassment by hanging this outside the loo after a good session.

Worried that slamming your back door will eventually lead to it having to be replaced? Use this handy sign to ask people to be gentle with your back door.

Finally a solution to your monkey car problems. Warn other motorists that your vehicle may shed banana skins and the loose monkeys could impart your driving ability with this handy warning sign.

That's it from the Top Tip Tapir so until next time it's ta ta from Tapir. Have a great day.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How Old Are You?

The new gameshow 'How Old Are You?' leaps from its prime slot on national television to become a feature on today's blog. For those of you that have never seen this incredibly popular and entertaining television show enjoyed by millions it aims to help contestants that have forgotten how old they are rediscover their age, accurate to within ten years, probably.

So without further ado, let me introduce your host for today Reg Todgers and his hilarious sidekick Busty Din fresh from his other hit show 3,2,1 I'm Going To Hurl.

'Hi, my name is Reg Todgers and what a show we have lined up for you folks so settle back in your high chair, arm chair or commode and get ready to play 'How Old Are You?

(Applause)

'As always we start with our catchphrase 'How Old Are YOU?'

Audience - 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

(Applause and laughter)

'Here we go, remember your starting age is zero, each question you answer will add a number to your age, add them all together to get your real age. Question one'

'You are in the library and you see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' filed under the romance section, do you...

A) Remove the filth and place it in the bin

B) Pick it up and let it naturally flop open hoping to find the dirtiest page

C) Move it to the children's section

D) Snot

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question two, visual question'

'Does this make you...'

A) Sob uncontrollably at the state of society and write an angry letter to your MP.

B) Laugh uncontrollably until you are sick and take a photo of it.

C) Post it on your blog as part of a desperate effort to entertain.

D) Fart.

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1


'Question three, choose the correct words to fit both blanks...'

'I would like to _____ your _____ said Bert as he started stripping.'

A) fumble, frumpit

B) curdle, milk

C) wallpaper, wall

D) burp, name

Add this to your age A)5 B)4 C)20 D)1


'Question four, what is it?'

A) At my age I expect to be able to relieve my bladder every thirty minutes, this is most inconvenient and I will be reporting it to the manager.

B) Captains log star date XXXL

C) The work of a genius and the result of an awesome party.

D) Poo

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)5 D)1


'Final question folks, We have skilfully hidden a message in this picture, see how long it takes you to find it...'

A) Less than a second

B) Over thirty seconds but less than a minute

C) I'm absolutely disgusted with this, I will be writing a letter to my MP

D) Plop

Add this to your age A)5 B)10 C)50 D)1

'That's it folks, add up your scores and you should finally have your real age, write it down it may be useful later in job interviews or when trying to buy alcohol. How Old Are You?'

(Applause) 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

Age Chart

You scored less than ten - Well done, you are a real toddler and the life and soul of any party providing it involves jelly and ice cream.

Between ten and forty - Well done, you are rapidly approaching the age where bits flop or drop off, get out the nasal trimmer and get ready, it's grim but you are the life and soul of those 'special' parties we know you go to.

Between forty and forty two - Enjoy your mid life crisis. Buy a fast car and pretend you are twenty, when you eventually come out the other end enjoy the downhill ride that's coming.

Forty three to seventy - Gradually start to moan about the good old days and how things were better in your day, write a blog if it helps to avoid you thinking about the bits that are stiff, don't work or are generally not as flexible as before. Start drinking heavily if it helps to block it all out and avoid using computers as you are not really very good at it because in your day you used pen and paper. Watch the news everyday to increase your depression and check the obituaries every week to see if any of your friends are in it.

Seventy to two hundred - It's all too late now to do anything about it so feel free to speak your mind anytime and be politically incorrect. It's also the time that you realise the best things in life aren't things at all so leave them with a cliff hanger and make your last words be 'Knock, knock' or 'Wow, so that's what it's all about'

If you are reading this on Facebook feel free to post your scores below :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Winners

This coming Saturday 8th December is the third Christmas With The Impossimals event and the cumulation of Evergreen Art Cafe children's Christmas card competition in conjunction with Waitrose and JR Press. We will both be there between 11am - 3pm on the day for what promises to be a great free event and everyone is welcome so come along for a bit of Impossimal fun.

Not only will there be Impossimals galore, some of the last originals left in the country and exclusive oil sketches but it will also be the day when we present the winners of the competition with their winning entry professionally framed. The winning entries have also been turned into greeting cards and are available from Waitrose in Daventry, the gallery and local shops in the area with all proceeds going to the local children's charity Pete Spence's Helping Hands.

After spending two days going through all the hundreds of fantastic entries we finally decided on these two fabulous paintings to represent an Impossimal Christmas.

First up is Harry Fitzpatrick aged six, this probably contains everything to have a perfect Christmas. From snow to Santa, from tree to present and of course Christmas dinner. It pretty much covers everything and even better includes an excited Impossimal. Great work Harry, see you on Saturday!

The second winner is Lola Preston aged nine with this stunning Impossimal reindeer complete with red nose and an Impossimal Santa and helpers. Great use of colour and a perfect piece for a special Christmas card. see you on Saturday Lola!

A big thank you to Evergreen Art Cafe for putting on such a wonderful competition and of course a big thank you to all the children that entered, they were all fantastic paintings and it really was such a tough decision to chose the winners. If you do get chance, pop along this weekend and say hello, full details of the event can be found here or by visiting www.evergreenartcafe.co.uk

See you Saturday!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Have Yourself A Homemade Ferry Mucking Christmas

With the sentiment 'Christmas is coming and times are hard here's your fecking Christmas card' ringing in my ears I thought I would bring you the bluffers guide to a perfect Christmas for less than 10p, probably. Impress family and friends with your thriftiness and thrill them all with special time saving gift tags, the ultimate Christmas tree using our handy planner and save £££ on crackers by simply making your own.

First up is this ornate gift tag cleverly using TXT SPK to appeal to youngsters (for all you oldies out there the above text speak actually says 'This is for you, a special gift from myself to a special friend). No more writing out personal messages, no boring Merry Christmas Grandad, enter the twenty second century and simply print out the above as many times as necessary and attach them to your gifts. It saves time, money and sentimentality when all you are interested in is what you're going to get. Occasionally you may get problems if the gifts get mixed up but hey, maybe Auntie Mabel wanted underarm hair removal cream, she could certainly do with it on her moustache.

Planning a perfect Christmas tree is never easy so why not use our handy chart. Simply print it out the same size as your tree and you can lay it down on a flat surface and try out different combinations safely and effectively before hanging it all on the tree. Avoid disputes, solve bauble position problems and work out the best way to trail tinsel. When happy with the layout use string to divide your actual tree into squares just like our grid and stand back shouting coordinates to your family as you hand them the decorations. Great fun and can be used year after year, no batteries required!

The price of mince pies and shots of brandy has skyrocketed this year so leaving a free plate out for Santa is a little foolhardy, he's fat enough and possibly on the verge of some serious medical conditions so help Santa out with this 3D imitation Santa treat for Christmas Eve. Santa will be thrilled, two, yes, two mince pies, a shot of the good stuff and of course a carrot for Rudolph, who after being picked on by the other reindeers you are now reinforcing his isolation from the rest of the group by only giving him a present. Fool children and adults alike by simply chucking the printout in the bin as soon as everyone goes to bed and replacing in with a real plate.

Do you prepare yourself for PP's on Christmas Day? PP stands for p*** poor and are last minute, unfathomable gifts that make you gasp in their awfulness. Often wrapped in the gaudiest of paper these shockers often cause major fights over the Christmas dinner as you continue to show your displeasure at getting a pair of slippers instead of a new convertible or private jet. Well, no more, now you can grimace and mouth abuse in secret with this handy grin on a stick. Simply hold this in front of your face for the duration of Christmas Day to fool everyone into thinking its the greatest Christmas ever.

Now for the ultimate cracker to pull look no further than the all-in-one Charade Cracker, a powerhouse of entertainment. For this you will need the following :

A Toilet Roll, kitchen roll, charades (write out your favourite movie or book title), a small dog lead (string), a toy dog (in this case an elegantly fashioned toy dog made from sturdy paper), a bang and of course a hat.

Simply make a toy dog, fold a small bit of paper to save money and embarrassment into a hat that fits on your finger, write BANG on a piece of card and stuff it all inside the toilet roll along with the string and secret charade.

It should look like this, use the remaining kitchen roll to stuff both ends. Place them around the table on Christmas Day and after dinner you can 'pull' them. The noiseless bang avoids worrying pets, the small hat nobody can wear avoids embarrassment, the winner of the pull gets a cherished toy dog which they can attach a lead to and 'walk' around the table and finally there is a charade for the winner to act out. My suggestion is you clear the table and get them to perform it on the table top in front of all your guests for the ultimate in table top games. I remember one year when auntie Maud's charade was 'Three Men and a Donkey'. After climbing on the dining room table, great grandad Bertie was rushed off with heart palpitations when she acted out the naked donkey scene and paramedics took two hours to extract her from the broken hostess trolley she used as a makeshift prop. It took a further three house to remove the crackers.

Good times.

So that's it for part one of the perfect thrifty Christmas, tomorrow how to cook dinner using free ingredients from dustbins and skips and of course how to jar jellied leftovers for friends, its the gift that keeps on giving.

Cheer up, it's nearly Christmas, were all in misery.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

You Have Mail

You may remember a blog entry from a month or so ago about a series of adverts placed in comics during the 70's and 80's offering all manner of fun through the unusual mail order items delivered directly to your door. I used to be fascinated by them and although I never sent off for any I did have a fondness for their descriptive text and simple line drawn graphics, it really did leave a barb in a child's imagination. Who could resist foaming sugar, monster neck bolts, revolting rubber feet and of course the daddy of them all the swoon inducing X-Ray goggles.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending on which end you look at it from I was within walking distance of a great joke shop that sold most of these items so I did get to see a lot of them for what they were. It didn't stop me buying them of course, I was a kid, what else was I going to do with 10p other than buy a tube of North Pole Freezing Liquid; put some of this on a seat and they won't sit there for long! So I ended up with many a gag but still the adverts intrigued me as half of the items defied explanation, especially for the price. Just how do you get a Go-Go Skeleton that glows in the dark, that dances to music and moves to your command for only 65p? Or even better a millionaires wallet complete with bank notes, driving and flying license, wine club, yacht club and business cards all for the pittance that is 40p?

These adverts seduced me into thinking that for a few weeks of pocket money I could upgrade my life with these enhancing products, it was powerful stuff, the claims were unbelievable but there was always the question, was it too good to be true?

So this week to my utter delight I got to find out all those dirty secrets behind the childhood adverts when I accidentally stumbled upon this book, Mail-Order Mysteries by Kirk Demarais. I don't know how I found it, but as soon as I was aware of its existence I had to have it.

So today I sat and read the whole thing through twice, learning all the secrets behind many of the products. Some, like the X-Ray Specs I had already discovered after dissecting my own pair only to find its all done with real feathers, still, it was nice to see it was the opener for the book and not only described the product but also the childhood expectations and the more often than not below average reality when it arrived.

A glorious book if you are into this kind of thing and I was even more pleased when I found the entry for one particular product that I only remembered from an old BBC television show called 'Thats Life' with Esther Rantzen. They included a letter from a disgruntled buyer of the seven foot life sized ghost, essentially a balloon, a white trash bag and a plastic collar to hold it all together, controlled using a fishing line. The last I saw of this item the 'That's Life' team had purchased the ghost and made it float eerily through some ruins, cementing this little item in my memory until I was unsure, as with most things at my age, that I even remembered it correctly at all.

A delightful book of insights that I would recommend, even if it is just for the chance to see the reality of ordering a pack of seven, four foot gigantic dinosaurs.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

I See All

Welcome to the studio, after the shocking announcement of Teddypocalypse earlier this week we thought we would ask world renowned psychic Colin Future and his tortoise spirit guide Tom for a glimpse into the future and possibly find out what really happened to the 5p I lost down the sofa and of course will we all still be here in 2013.

'Hi Colin, so do you have any news for us?'

'They know you know.'

'Err, who knows what Colin?'

'THEY KNOW.'

'Ok, they know, what do they know Colin?'

'Everything'

'Bloody great, I ask a 'psychic' on the blog for the first time and I get one that's full of crystal balls, I knew you were going to be trouble.'

'I knew you were going to say that.'

'No, you didn't.'

'They told me, they know everything'

'Oh god, this is going to be painful isn't it? Do you do anything other than swan around in that awful dressing gown with a tea towel on your head? I thought you could read the future?'

'I can and I knew you were going to say that too, they know EVERYTHING.'

'Right you, out! I won't have you cluttering up my studio with all this dribble unless you start coming up with something right now!'

'OK, keep you hair on, let me just get into my channeling position and contact my spirit guide, Tom, a time travelling tortoise that once fought at the battle of Hastings, in fact King Harold only got hit by an arrow because he had ignored advice from Tom. Tom said 'duck' but Harold who was hard of hearing thought he said 'look' and as he peered into the sky, wham, a arrow hit him.'

'Really?'

'Oh, yes, and there's more. The October Revolution in Russia, it was led by Tom, Lenin came along for a ride after a drunken bet when Lenin turned to Tom and said, 'You know, things are a bit slow around here, lets start a pub crawl'. Pretty soon Tom had gathered boozers from every drinking den in Petrograd before things got out of hand and started a revolution. He left Lenin nursing a massive hangover and a idol of tens of thousands of new drinking buddies after what was called at the time 'an awesomski party'

'You're just making this up!'

'No I'm not, do you want proof? I have got proof!'

'Show me then.'

'I have left it at home.'

'Left what at home?'

'The photo of Tom on the moon.'

'Wha! You really expect me to believe that?'

'It's all true, Tom was there when Buzz Lightyear stepped off the Apollo Tie Fighter on the moon and made history with the words a 'one small step for man one gigantic leap for mans best friend.' He was talking to Tom.'

'No he wasn't, first it was Neil Armstrong and secondly it was 'for mankind' not man's best friend.'

'Static, it was radio static that made it sound like that, Tom told me.'

'For god sake, are you for real? You really expect me to believe all this? Tom is a figment of your imagination, Tom does not exist. Period.'

'Do you want to see Tom?'

'Your kidding aren't you? Tom cannot exist, a time travelling tortoise my bottom'

'Do you want to see Tom? He knows everything.'

'Alright, alright, if I must, show me Tom so I can ask him what he was doing during the great fire of London, or maybe I could ask him just what the hell he was doing messing around with the Egyptians all those years ago when he helped build the pyramids all by himself. Jeese!

'You need to be quiet whilst I fetch Tom'

'Ok,ok, anything to stop this, just show me Tom and go away.'

'Here's Tom!'

'That's not Tom.'

'Yes it is, look, he's enshrined in the clothing of Gre, Tom is over a million years old thats why he is wrinkly.'

'That's not Tom.'

'Yes it is, speak Tom, speak! Mmmm, this... is... Tom speaking... I predict you are wearing socks.'

'Right, that's it, out you go with your stupid ventriloquist act performed on a Cornish pasty from Greggs, it's not the clothing of Gre, it's the wrapper of Greggs, now get out!'

'Noooo! Tom! Tom! What's happened to you! You have kidnapped him! Kidnapper!!!!'

We have to leave the studio there as Colin Future has been escorted from the building clutching a half eaten pasty. So there we have it folks, time travelling tortoise indeed, what a load of hokum. This has been a special report from the Marquis of Gandola, the only talking time travelling turtle in existence and debunker of all things tortoise.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Mend And Make Do

The studio has been a hive of activity for the last four days after being turned into a small modelling studio for the construction of some of the most detailed Impossimals so far. Over five hundred items have been created to populate six new paintings and include snooker cues, sandwiches, star fish and even hookah pipes. It's taken such a long time that I almost forgot the blog today and you was going to get an off the wall look at gadgets instead you get me sat in front of the fire furiously typing this so I can get back and finish off a trombone so to speak.

Some of you may have seen part of a bigger piece yesterday when I posted a teasmaid on Facebook, I'll try and post a few more later this week as I take the final photographs in the studio.

So a bit of a short entry today after yesterday's Play School madness, normal service will resume just as soon as I finish this particularly tricky plasticine snorkelling snail...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Millions Will Die

The end of the world is nigh, according to expert historian Norman Nutter in his new book 'Teddypocalypse - The Day We Get Stuffed' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office). Teddy bears and other stuffed toys will rise up and destroy mankind in what has been dubbed by experts as T-Day, the 21st of December 2012.

This special date is the end-date of a 5,125 year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and coincides with the Christmas light switch on in Nob End, South Lancashire, a terrifying coincidence which will trigger satellites to transmit a 'switch on' signal to all stuffed entities. A signal that according to Norman was planted in all satellites by a disgruntled toy maker turned scientist during experiments in the 1960's into capoc and stuffing DNA which resulted in the untimely death of seven scientists when a cushion suddenly exploded after leaping up and singing 'My Way'.

TOSSER

Norman explains that when the clock strikes 3:30pm the signal will be broadcast worldwide and urges the public to barricade themselves in a safe place and get ready to fight the stuffed hordes. Cushions, teddy bears and even Hello Kitties should be placed outside and away from weapons such as water pistols and foam hammers. Norman further compares it to a zombie apocalypse as injured soft toys have the ability to reanimate unless their tags have been removed.

RAMPANT

Following six years of research Norman also reveals that during one experiment Little Ted and Humpty caused extensive damage to a secret facility after being reanimated and had to be sedated with injections of T-24X, a drug that allowed them to be handled without injury. Unable to deactivate them both they remained under sedation they formed part of the Play School project, a secretive underground white room with three windows. Professor Brian Cant, lead scientist Toni Arthur and head of the activation unit Floella Benjamin interacted with Little Ted and Humpty whilst fellow scientists watched, unfortunately in 1964 a technical problem occurred and the live video feed was aired on terrestrial television forcing the BBC to add the recently reanimated Hamble and Big Ted to the project as a cover up operation after realising that too many people had seen it. The live feed to Play School was eventually turned off in 1988 after it was also revealed that Jackanory, a popular story telling program was in fact a sedation channel for the toy asylum in Cricklewood.

STREETS OF STUFFING

Local governments are preparing defences and are urging members of the public to avoid adding any more soft furnishings or toys to their household. Early reports have warned that one satellite may have misfired the trigger over Hull due to the millennium bug and have advised the public to avoid the area after one witness reported seeing a ten foot Huffenpluff throwing a Teletubby from the roof of Greggs and a multi cushion pile up in the city centre.

PIFFLE PAFFLE

An expert at Cambridge University told us 'What a load of rubbish! Everyone knows that it's going to be cats that are activated and they will all reveal they have thumbs. Their demigod Grumpy Cat appeared on earth earlier this year, a sure sign of impending doom, Catpocalypse is on the cards I tell you!', professor Ivor Twangle is the author of ' Catpocalypse - Hello Kitty, No Kitty, Argh Kitty!' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Fonz

'Happy Days' started life as a very rough sketch sometime during the Summer months. As with all the latest Impossimals it began with a oil sketch to make sure the poses, colours and general composition worked. I primed the board with a nice pink as the background was going to be quite plain so as not to detract from the image.

It took a bit of playing around but eventually I was happy with the result. It looks simple in concept but to get it to this stage required nineteen different colours to give it increased complexity.

You can see I chart the colour usage as I move along, this allows me to gradually balance the palette and helps when I work on the main oil painting.

Using my oil sketch as a guide I transfer the image to a larger board for the final piece adjusting the pose as necessary which in this case meant dropping the ears slightly and resizing the eyes.

Normally I would concentrate on the background but as its one colour I went straight ahead and painted in the Impossimal base colour and the props.

Once dry in went the all important stripe colours along with a base coat of white to define the eyes.

Once the eyes to in the whole piece starts to come alive. The stripes have only had two layers added at this stage and need a lot more work to bring out the colours.

The background goes in and the whole thing is allowed to dry for a few days before it returns to the studio for a week of glazing.

By the end the colours have been lifted, the background darkened and little blobs of light added to the lolly and eyes finally completing 'Happy Days', a recreation of a perfect Summer with someone special in your life.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Problem Pump

I don't venture out of the studio much but when I do I like everything to be full of hassle and orchestrated to give maximum annoyance such as my trip into town last week. At least that's what it feels like every time I poke my head out into the world so forgive me today's blog as I tell you the tale of the problem pump, an epic time wasting adventure at my local supermarket forecourt that I was given the star role in.

As I pulled into the forecourt I went into the typical, which pump do I go to? Will that old lady filling up her Nissan Midget Gem be quicker than the bloke with the 4x4 Rampant Stallion With Small Trouser Department? Will the lady with the look at me convertible use pay at the pump and be quicker than family guy with a poor taste in car colour? (it was lime green with pink furry dice) You have probably done the same, my issue though was compounded with the placement of road cones in front of four of them rendering them out of order.

Eventually I opted for a space behind one car that seemed close to finishing and they looked with it enough to pay quite quickly. I don't really know what happened then, but ten long minutes later the guy I was behind stumbled out of the shop after paying for his petrol and buying up the entire stock of Ginsters. Seriously, I have never seen anyone buy more than one of those things at a time, this guy had armfuls. Maybe he was having a Ginster party or something either way it wasn't going to be fun judging by the ten cans of Red Bull sticking out from a carrier bag and the large bag of M&M's. Hey, I'm having a party, do you want to come? It's an all you can eat Ginster buffet and we can get ripped on Red Bull whilst popping M&M's like a gangsta? You up for that bro?

No. Never. Ever.

Anyway, he tootled away to his Ginster party and possibly a prolapsed colon and I pulled up at the pump and marvelled at how much petrol he had put in. £98.23, don't ask me how, why or where he stuck all this petrol, he was only driving a small car, all I can think is he drank it to get rid of the taste of Ginsters. I clicked Pay at Pump and inserted my card, popped in my four digit code, and whilst we are on this track here's a thing you can try at supermarket checkouts if you want to freak people out. Wait until the person in front types their four digit code then immediately say, "Hey, you have exactly the same four digit code that I have on my card!", gets them every time.

Picking up the nozzle I stuck it in and pressed the button. The pump sighed. No, I mean really sighed like it was in a huff or something then did nothing. Zip, zilch, nothing came out of the nozzle but get this, it remembered the number £98.23 and decided to add my pumped air to the total and I watched in amazement as it increased rapidly over £100. Wha! No! I pulled it out quickly and stood looking in disbelief as air shot out of the end and it continued to add £££ even though I had released the trigger. This one armed bandit was charging me for a blow dry whilst I had visions of spiralling into debt with a petrol pump bill that would require me to take out a hefty sum from a loan shark which I would then default on and he would come round and break my legs as compensation.

With my best "Why me?" look I tried to attract the attention of the petrol attendant by waving my wind blowing pump but they were too busy selling more Ginsters whilst other motorists started to edge away worried that I was a maniac and I was going to suddenly whip out a box of matches to start a small bush fire on the forecourt. I suppose I did look a bit odd, but hey, I was being charged for a petrol pump that had ambitions to become a hairdryer. Fearing the worst I placed the pump back, with a triumphant sigh the pump stopped pumping and it nicely decided to charge over £150 to my card then inform me that there was no till roll to print out a receipt as proof.

You see, my days sometime resemble a sketch show and other times an episode of the Twilight Zone, today was both. You would not imagine the problems I had in explaining all this to an assistant who obviously cared enough to not give a toss and decided that his nails needed a bit of a clean with the pen whilst I pleaded to get the £150 quid back with an apparently stupid story that the pump had blown air at me and possibly spoke too. So far it had taken me thirty long minutes.

Three explanations later and two trips out to the pump the whole thing was reset and I found myself again inserting my credit card assured by the nail cleaner that it was indeed fine to go ahead as there was nothing wrong in the slightest with the pump and maybe in some way I had antagonised it into blowing air. So imagine how surprised I was when it just farted air and charged £22 to my card again. I almost lost it enough to go inside and overturn the Ginster fridge. If they were watching the CCTV they would have seen me mouth 'For flips sake' (use your imagination) and then do a little dance as I wrestled with the pump like I was fighting an anaconda.

Obviously, explaining the problem for a second time proved even more difficult as by now I was filed under asshole who can't use a pump and probably shouldn't be driving or indeed allowed out alone. This time I was escorted out to the pump by the manager who showed me how to use the newly reset pump like I was a child of five. He even unscrewed the cap on my car to make sure I was humiliated to the max.

In went my card, I picked up the pump and pressed the trigger. Nothing happened. 'Yippee!' I looked at my new patronising friend and grinned. 'See!' I said triumphantly but his face never altered, he just reached over and took the pump from my hand, pressed the trigger and out oozed petrol. 'See?' He said with a look that would have withered flowers, 'There is nothing wrong with it'

Wha! The bloody motherflipper! how on earth can a petrol pump be so cruel, apart from the price of petrol that is. Forty minutes to put thirty pounds of petrol in and now I'm branded a bit of a nutter that wrestles petrol pumps, pretends that they are hairdryers and refuse to buy Ginsters. My CCTV footage has probably been flashed around the country banning me from forecourts everywhere.

So as compensation I'm sat with my new friend eating a selection from the Ginster buffet, slamming down Red Bull and getting high on M&M's. I wonder if he has invited anyone else?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Blog That Was Not Blogged

After the weekends antics I was going to write an amusing article on the use of helium balloons as makeshift ghosts, was being the operative word, for one day later after bringing these beauties back from the appearance in Solihull they seem to have gone rather flat and prefer rolling around rather than bobbing. A bit of a disappointment really, I had even fashioned some kitchen roll as a neck ruff and cut strips out of another for the body. It was going to be controlled using a thin line of thread and it was supposed to haunt Bunnyopolis by flying in and out the door so I could 'capture' it on the Bunnycam.

The failure if the balloons also out paid to another piece of tomfoolery that I was going to do and that was releasing a balloon into the wild with a email address attached. The finder had to answer the question by emailing the answer and if they were correct they would have won a prize. Looks like I will have to shelve both ideas until I get a balloon that can last more than a day. So I'm a bit disappointed, instead you get a boring blog entry about a blog entry that never was.

On a lighter note we did have the unveiling of a new original at the weekend. 'Happy Days' was so new it hadn't even been framed for the event and had to be rushed out because all the originals earmarked for the day had been snapped up. Nice to see it again.

This week I will be hard at work building sets again using a variety of cardboard components and lots and lots of plasticine, painting several new pieces and putting the finishing touches to a few other paintings. A busy week planned that ends at the weekend with two Foreverbunny events with Jayne leading us nicely into December and the run down to the day a big jolly fat bloke wearing a costume bursts into your bedroom and empties his sack into your stocking. Nice.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals