Scrawl

Just got back from checking and signing off the Autumn Impossimal releases at the publishers prior to them being stretched and mounted over the next few days before reaching the galleries. The Lovers, one of the prints is actually quite special, its been printed on a gold canvas. Look at the bottom of the photo and you will see on one of the Impossimals the neck changes from white to gold as it reaches the edge. To further enhance the colours a heavy varnish has been added, this was more a last minute thing and it's been applied to all four images in the Autumn collection. Additionally "One at a time please" has been reproduced at my smallest ever size coming in at a comfortable 12'' x 12". I'll bring you more details as and when they will be available to view.

So, with that signed off its back to the studio for more Impossimal model making, a browse through some old magazines and a look through two crates of old LP's that I had forgotten we had.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Zucchinisnakeyette

Every year we grow courgettes, I don't know why because every year we have the same problem, what to do with them. We have tried everything to make them enjoyable, from grilling slices coated in garlic olive oil and sprinkled with Parmesan to adding them to a ragu, all with the same results of biting into a wet sponge and tasting like, well, like the word bland. If words had taste when you said them I'd rename courgettes disappointments which exactly describes the taste too.

I think my problem comes from they way it has the ability to hold on to all the heat and concentrate it in its watery contents so one bite and it's like the centre of the earth has been poured into your mouth, that's probably not quite true if like me you believe the centre of the earth not to be full of molten lava but instead populated by bowler hat wearing unicycling monkeys doing the wall of death, if they ever stop boy are we in trouble, gravity would not exist and Earth would stop spinning so keep on peddling my little primates.

Where was I? Rambling on again no doubt, I wonder if I have some kind of attention deficit disorder? Oh, puppies! Hey Macarena! I love lollipops.

Courgettes or vegetarian sausages from the devils own larder, have, this year decided to go berserk after a move from a small bed to the new Bunnyopolis veg bed. No longer are we getting sporadic fruit, now we are getting five a week each the size of donkeys doo-dahs. One that I dare not even approach is now the size of the Graf Zepplin and I swear if I carved out it would make a handy canoe for six. So what do we do?

Feeding them to the residents of Bunnyopolis is one idea but there is only a small amount their diet can handle, giving them away is another option but how many do you give away before "hey, thanks guys!" changes to "gee, another courgette, thanks."

So in the interest of science I made a fine sculpture, may I present Grass Snake Slithering Through Fallen Autumn Apples.

If you think that's good wait until you see my other 'Courgetture' sculpture, "Donkey Exposing a Trist Between Two Rampant Naked Sheep Whilst Mooning a Pig". From the looks of people's faces I have made a good job of impressing the neighbours, especially as I found the perfect use for the three foot one I had been saving, donkey would be so proud.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Gum My Buffers

Hand up if you remember Stanley Gibbons. No, not that well known window cleaner with arms like an monkey more along the lines of the finest purveyors of stamps known to man. I remember them more from their stamp club, a club that allowed you to visit parts of the world through their stamps, something undreamed of in a time before instant widespread communication. Imagine getting through the post stamps from exotic places like Greenland, Grenada and Cuba, who for some strange reason always used to show satellites and government buildings on their stamps, it felt exciting.

OK, that's about how much excitement I can muster over stamp collecting at the moment, whilst being a noble pastime it did get awfully boring sometimes. So to brighten things up a little I used to go for the more, how shall we say, unusual variety. For example, I have a particularly vivid one from Czechoslovakia of a dog sniffing another dogs bottom. From Bulgaria I have an impressive dark green stamp of a steamroller printed on what feels like newspaper. Taiwan stamps on the other hand in the 70's featured a lot of happy workers and serious leaders, whilst Germany, before 1945 had some of the smallest stamps I have ever seen and they looked like they were printed on a child's John Bull printing press. Nicaragua had the only awesome stamp of a sea creature killing a dinosaur amidst a blood bath in the sea, thrilling stuff! My favourite though was the single stamp I have from Egypt, a land of mystery and it seems leaders who on their stamps look exactly like a Zoltar machine from the film Big, all fezzed up, lots of medals and with an enigmatic look that tells you don't flip with me I'm on a stamp.

My interest waned when it dawned on me that endlessly filing square bits of paper on little flaps of gummed hinges was maybe a tad off putting to members of the opposite sex, instead I replaced it with train spotting, well, at least it got me out in the fresh air.

You should see the size of the sexy buffers on a 221 Ribble Roller Intercity 53, phwoar!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Newsround

For those that have never seen it the Weekly World News is an incredible source of information, not that it's all true of course but for sheer entertainment value its probably second to none. This old 1997 issue had so many revelations that I reeled from its vast knowledge and my own ignorance. Not really, but it was quite amusing.

To give you an idea of what it's like here's a few of its headlines, see if you can decide which are true and which stretch the imagination a little. "Wise Guy Bares Bottom on Highway and Gets Slammed into the Hereafter" - witnesses say he was standing on the highway with his pants down. True? I'd give it a 50/50.

"Space Aliens Drained My Blood Then Filled My Veins With a Mysterious Yellow Fluid" this probably stretches the imagination a little so I'd stick at 1/10

"All Cars To Have Ejection Seats By 2001", I think we all know that this one is a bit suspect, but then again what is that button for under the steering wheel? Maybe I should give it a try.

"Town Celebrates 45-Foot-Tall Goat Made Of Rice" I'd like to think this is entirely true but when I tried to find pictures of said goat all I found was the exact same article printed in 1994, I really wanted to see a goat made out of rice. Sob.

"Six Year Old Brats Feed Babysitter To Poodles" Words fail to describe what I'm thinking, the article even has pictures of the six year olds and the babysitter next to the poodle. Mmm.

Now my favourite, "DIETERS BEWARE! Don't Lick Stamps If You Want To Lose Weight" I love this because it's wrong on so many levels, the article goes on to describe that one lick of a stamp is the equivelent to one-tenth of a calorie and those looking to lose weight should consider self adhesive versions. Priceless.

Still, previous famous issues have included "Bat Child Found In Cave", "12 U.S. Senators Are Aliens" and the awesome "Woman Killed By Fur Coat - Full Length Mink Coat Comes Alive and Bites Widow to Death". Fabulous headlines and the reason I will buy only the Weekly World News to catch up with all the latest real world happenings.

I just wished they would use my headline "Twenty Foot Rabbit Hutch Called Bunnyopolis With Artwork and Carpets For Three Giant Rabbits", hang on, would I believe that if I read it?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

J.Okes

This made me laugh a lot this morning, I found it on the back of a very old joke book and before you add it, yes I know, all my jokes are old. It's an advert for taking exercise. As the blurb says "Don't kid yourself any longer, you're not proud of your body...the only attention you get is ridicule and abuse...other fellows walk off with the prettiest girls and the best jobs...it works for weak men, fat and skinny men- men like you who had all but given up" Gee, thanks for that pep talk, I had a complex about it before and now you have just made me want to curl up in a ball and sob. Not quite sure if our advert model is looking at the scantly clad female or at the contents of his budgie smugglers, either way its unnerving me. Anyway, old Charles Atlas and his dynamic tensioning is still going strong so it must be good which brings me on to part of today's blog, deep fried Mars bars and the strange case of a disclaimer issued to the creator of said fried bar announcing that Mars does not approve or condone deep fried Mars bars as it goes against their principles of promoting a healthy active lifestyle.

So instead I have decided to come up with a healthy Mars Atlas Fried diet lifestyle that will help you increase your muscle tone, fry food and eat a Mars bar whilst burning off those calories. For this you will need a washing machine, a deep fat fryer, two carrier bags of sand, a building brick and twenty four Mars bars. Stop being a slob, just look in the mirror you scarecrow, nows the time to become superhuman with the new Mars Atlas Fried Diet System, it's so not a diet it's just like eating real food on an electrical appliance.

Step one - warm your deep fat fryer up an place it next to your washing machine along with the Mars bars.

Step two - remove all your clothes for maximum wobble and put each arm through the carrier bag handle and let it rest on your wrists. You will already notice that everything takes a lot more effort due to the 24lbs of sand in the bags, that is good, it means it's working and you are well on your way to shedding fat and building muscle.

Step three - place the brick in the washing machine and sit on it. Set it to the fastest spin and hang on, the brick will throw off the centre point of your washing machine and your body will compensate by wobbling violently. Occasionally the washing machine will move with you on it, if you pass a window during this phase don't be afraid to wave to neighbours.

Step four - unwrap a Mars bar and dip in batter (forgot to tell you that bit but it's easily prepared whilst on the washing machine, just don't get any sand in it from the swaying bags on your arms). Carefully deep fry the Mars bar, this is the dangerous bit as occasionally Mars bars can be underdone so make sure you cook it well at temperatures approaching molten lava.

Step five - Eat Mars bar. Essentially all that swaying, jigging, wobbling that you have hardly noticed has burnt off 1000's of calories so go ahead stuff your self silly with deep fried confectionary until the spin cycle stops, that's you cue that the diet has worked. You will step off the washing machine feeling like a new person. Walk out side and punch something with your new sledgehammer fists and surging power fuelled rippling muscles.

NB Effects differ for different body shapes and ages, please consult a doctor, a vet and a chiropodist before starting this new regime, oh, and inform your fire brigade you are about to try stunt frying and they should be ready for any accidents. Also inform your local accident unit to be on standby to cope with broken limbs, possible burns and baby oil for your new rippling hulk of a body.

Any way, before I go I must show you this in the same book, it's a classic joke advertisement, these things were cool but ultimately you realised you were going to be a tad disappointed when your £1.20 giant skeleton was I fact made of cardboard, I'm still bemused why the advert says it would be good fun in the bedroom.

The reason this is in today's blog is my one vivid memory of using Exploding Cigarette Whiz Bangs, basically small triangular bits of card impregnated with gunpowder. These were billed as 'After a few puffs - bang! - and watch them jump'. What it didn't say was if your eight and you put one in your Granadads cigarette you had better be prepared to run like hell.

It was easy, he was out of the room so I opened his packet and placed one in the end of a cigarette and returned it to the packet, like a bit of cigarette based russian roulette I thought he would find it amusing and we would all laugh and say what a fantastic jape it was. Reality bit as he raised the cigarette to his lips and struck a match.

BOOM!!!!! Shake the room!

Not only did the thing explode with one blinding flash of light showering the room with tobacco but it blew the match into his lap and was starting its own bush fire as I watched. Apparently I had not stuck it in enough, the force of the explosion reduced his brand new cigarette to just the filter and set fire to his eyebrows. A small mushroom cloud rose above his head and a soot like deposit covered his hands. To say he looked surprised was an understatement, if you can imagine Wile-e Coyote after a stick of dynamite he was holding had exploded you are half way there.

I ran.

Still, I never learned when a few months later I tried a similar trick only this time with a new item The North Pole Blizzard, needless to say, no one was amused.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Cheap Drunk

A little trip into town and a bit of a treat, cockles and peas, the Mansfield equivalent of London's pie and mash and very tasty it was too on this sunny but blustery day. On our journey into town we use the cycle route, a popular shortcut used by many only today it had a mysterious trail to follow...

It started quite innocently with a discarded Rolo milkshake, a common enough bit of rubbish not to draw too much attention but next to it around six paces further was a can of something called a Ripper. Not quite sure what type of popular beverage it is but it did look a little unsavoury and more along the lines of paint stripper than enjoyable fluid.

Not very attractive is it? I can only assume we were following a person with a mission, a thirst quenching mission that was starting to show signs of desperation.

For next in line was vodka, none of that expensive rubbish, more along the lines of Glenn's Vodka, that well known brand that celebs drink. Our mystery drinker had cranked it up to level ten.

Sorry, level twenty. Two more vodka bottles lay strewn around the general area next to one shoe. Boy, they really are determined to quench that thirst and party on.

It showed that things were getting desperate for three more bottles lay steps away, oh, and another shoe. Now I had a pair, unfortunately they didn't fit but I was holding out for a jumper or a nice discarded hat instead.

I take my hat off to you sir or madam for you have reached level 99 and can level up no further. Hidden behind a tree, I say hidden it was more of a dumped behind a tree, was this, the photograph only shows five bottles because I had to quickly put my camera away when somebody came around the corner. It's bad enough that when they passed they looked at the bottles then at me and shook their head in disgust. So not only did I look suspicious crouched down in the undergrowth they will now relate tales about me to friends on how they came across an unsavoury drunk that had consumed superhuman amounts of vodka and was now bent over photographing dog eggs.

Anyway, the bottles were just the start, I counted 37. Yes, 37! It gets better, when they finished all the big bottles they then started on the miniatures so just as one trail ended a new miniature Glenn trail started. I have never partied THAT hard, congratulations sir or madam.

Sorry for the poor quality photographs in today's blog but it's awfully difficult to use a camera phone and drink from a vodka bottle at the same time, I do however have some awesome photographs of dog eggs.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

TV Handy

***** Rating indicates how much to drink before watching.

* A wee dram, ** Two pints and a Babycham, *** One bottle of Chablais and a Whisky chaser, **** One Tiger Blood, three Jaigermeister slammers, four jelly shots, a bottle of Stolly and a shandy, ***** Go to the supermarket and fill your trolley with as much alcohol as you can, return home and start drinking at 9am in the morning focusing on ten units an hour, by the time the program comes on your will be in the perfect state to enjoy it.

MONDAY

8:00pm BBC 1 The Great British Strip Off ****

Members of the public get to remove clothing in this new program combining cooking and exhibitionism in a game of strip baking. Judged by the Silver Stoat and Baking Godess Barely Merry contestants must create three fantastic tarts and remove clothes exotically to the latest dance tracks whilst host Perky Sue utilises the pole in the centre of the tent.

6:30pm ITV On The Buses (R) **

Hilarious entertainment in this award winning fly on the wall documentary about Stan the bus man. Watch how he ignores bus stops, brakes quickly to topple old ladies and finally removes the upper deck after driving under a low bridge for a dare.

TUESDAY

7:00pm BBC 3. Dr Wooooo *****

Dr Wooooo faces his greatest challenge when a shift in the time space continum places his toilet cubicle time machine in the centre of the Crossroads motel set. Watch as he battles Benny, has a spat with Amy Turtle and falls through the wall of room two only to reveal its all an elaborate set up to hide Crossroads real motive to sell antiques through the guise of Acorn Antiques masterminded by Miss Babs.

WEDNESDAY

7:00pm until Christmas Day ITV 1, ITV 2, ITV 3 Z-Factor ******************

Prepare yourself for an onslaught of entertainment by watching something else but if you really must watch this episode lasts for four months so make sure you are on a alcohol drip feed. Highlights include sob stories about pet dogs, that's about it really.

9:00pm FILM Mastercheffy Goes Bananas C4*** & a fruit cake

When Gorden Ramsical enters the kitchen and cooks a triple chocolate candy coated three foot high starfish with whipped cream and cherries Gregg Walnut takes one bite and writhes around the floor in ecstasy for the next 90 minutes before Jon Terroldio stabs Gorden in a jealous rage over the filleting of a stickleback. One to watch!

SATURDAY

10:00am The Keremy Jyle Show BBC2*****

Wannabe celebrity guests compare teeth and fight with a chance of winning a prize of a full set of dentures courtesy of ChavChops, dentist to the stars.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Love

Forever Together

Finishing a true story that started nine years ago this final piece brings together all the paintings in one piece. Starting in 2004 I decided to follow one individual’s life who at that time was single. In 2005 I released ‘A Fools Moon’, the start of the journey, a single Impossimal on a hill, looking to his future come what may. In 2006 he had found a partner and again this was shown in the painting Always and Forever. 2007 he became engaged in ‘Make a Wish’ in 2009 he had two children shown under the dot-2-dot stars spelling LOVE it what was to be the final piece ‘Forever Family’

I realised I had not finished the story off completely, something was missing, a real ending was needed. So I painted ‘Forever Together’. Sat on a hill looking back at nine years together you can follow their path over the ups and downs of life, one path shared through four other hills representing the four other paintings. The hearts are all the memories over the years they have shared.

The house is placed on the original hill that started it all way back in 2004, instead of it being a desolate place it has now turned into a house, no, not a house, a home, a loving place built on their relationship. Inside is their family, security and warmth, all adding to this beacon of emotion they share. For this is where we should leave their story, it’s reached its natural end and their wishes is in this sentiment, they have reached the stage where they really know what they want for the future. To stay ‘Forever Together.

A time to enjoy and a time to share,

A moment to pause, reflect and declare,

A forever love,

For we are both already there.

And the last piece in the Autumn collection...

The Lovers

An opulent collection of gold, flowers and hearts dancing around two intimately entwined Impossimals, in love, with love, have love. An Impossimal love story.

Scale Model

"One at a Time Please" another Autumn Impossimal release and one of my favourites to model and paint. Here's what I wrote about this piece.

'I'm sure the damn thing lies, no matter how little of my body touches the scales it always screams out a random set of numbers that looks like I have just asked for the price of a ticket to Peru. From lips to hips it mocks, even it's number eight looks strangely rotund as if it's smirking in some general fashion. I will however beat you Mr Scales, it may take some time but one day I may make you, make me, smile.'

The set though was quite a messy affair, for a start I needed a bath tub and basin, all modelled from plasticine and balsa wood with a little polystyrene thrown in for bulk. The tower draped over the bath is actually kitchen roll and the floor is a simple printed black and white check with a sheet of acetate over it to show the reflections. The blinds are made of a spare bit of fabric weighted down with a cocktail stick whilst the background is all made of corrugated painted cardboard with a plasticine window ledge and balsa wood skirting board. Around five hours work I would guess to get it all modelled, set up and lit so I could take a few photographs and adjust the pose.

The final photograph pretty much resembles the painting apart from an increase in body size for amusement purposes. The beauty of working like this is that you get to endlessly tweak the composition before committing it to paint, last minute adjustments on this included ear angles and the moving of the right foot to give the right amount of balancing effect. Any additions like the hands and numbers on the scale were added using a felt tip pen.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Autumn

I'm halfway through the Autumn release show but I couldn't wait to share "Home Comforts" with you, based on a real family I wanted to do two things, firstly capture family life centred around the most recognisable bit of furniture and also include what a simple sofa meant to me.

It was a ship when I was small, a climbing frame as I grew, a place to eat when I was a teenager and now a place to sit, contentedly, and lose myself in everything it has seen. Settee, big chair or cushion catcher, call it what you will, to me a sofa will always feel like home and with a family, it becomes complete.

To get this as accurate as possible though required the modelling of the entire room, starting of course with a balsa wood and plasticine sofa. All the Impossimals were then modelled, placed and posed until it look right, then I added a cat on the arm and a dog of the floor to recreate an everyfamily scene but with enough characteristics in it to reflect the real life subjects. I dropped in a mug and added a hastily painted backdrop for detail. Finally the whole scene was lit using two spotlights, one from the front pointing through a square apature cut into cardboard giving the effect of a TV glow and secondly a blue light from the left to simulate the light from another room.

So I eventually ended up with this, my starting point, a photograph, a lit model and a blank canvas.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

004.5 Licence to Lark Around

When I was only four I took up the Important role of becoming the youngest ever secret agent, a fact I can now share after forty one years of secrecy. In my guise as an agent I worked for two agencies, Fireball and Warlord, both deep undercover operations that taught me new skills as a young recruit. By the age of six I was wearing dinner jackets, sipping cocktails and indulging in my new found hobby of smoking. It was only a mistimed accident whilst abseiling from the top of mount Etna after destroying yet another not so secret base that I retired aged eight.

The mission went according to plan, I had infiltrated the base disguised as a shark, which gave me difficulties as not many sharks are to be seen climbing volcanoes so in hind sight it was a poor choice, still, I managed to convice the guards I was here for the newly installed shark pool underneath the trapdoor floor. After being caught whilst changing into another outfit, this time an inflatable Sumo suit, I was put in a badly guarded cell with all my gadgets still intact. Using my banana cosh attached to my left shoe I subdued the one unarmed guard and made my way deeper into MASHMEANSMASH lair until I found the evil device. A loudspeaker that was poised to endlessly play 'Hey Jude' to the world unless a ransom was paid of £1,000,000.1p in old money.

I will never forget the sound as the explosions ripped apart the loudspeaker just as it reached 'Take a sad song and make it better' which coincidentally exactly what I was doing by destroying it. I swear till this day I almost heard Sir Paul shout 'Nooooooooooo....' to the tune of Mull of Kintyre as bits of the Hey Jude single flew over my head. Apparently it took Sir Paul over thirty years to find all the pieces and put them together to unleash his revenge at the Olympics.

Abseiling away I realised that I had forgotten to destroy the secret cache of Barry Manilows that was being used as an evil backup plan. Operation Cocacabanadrama could devastate society and my mind suddenly drifted to this problem as I accidentally let go and mistimed my fall crushing a young goat herder (sorry!) and sliding 1000 feet down the mountain side on the back of a startled Elk. My failure to destroy the cache was my last mission and another more experienced agent aged nine was sent in instead.

So now, many years later I'm allowed to write up my memoirs. From the evil Punch Your Judy scheme that used exploding sandcastles as a summer sabotage to the equally devious Man of Ice's idea to make all ice cream taste like cabbage and thus bring down the worlds Ice cream stock prices so he could dominate the untainted ice cream market, I was the agent that stopped all theses deeds which is exactly the reason why you never heard of them before. A secret you see, that's how they work.

In my new book 'Moonraking Golden Guns Whilst Playing Octopussy at the Casino Royale' I will reveal more on my double agent life and just why I would never take a drink from a six fingered giant with three nipples and metal teeth or indeed use a toilet on a stationary train. Only .99p from bargain bins worldwide.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Four

It's been almost a year since the last Impossimal releases so in anticipation of this weekends events here's a little preview of what is coming your way. I have put together a simple collection of four pieces, each offering something different, one is family based, another amusing, one to compliment a sculpture and finally one to complete a story.

First is this, Home Comforts, again based around a real family, this time the entire scene was modelled and photographed before being painted. The sofa is made it of balsa wood and plasticine whilst the backdrop is cardboard and paper. The final painting was lit from the front and left sides to recreate a homely feel.

The second piece again was modelled in full, you may have seen the blog entry about this a while ago before we decided to go ahead and publish it, it's one of my favourites.

The final piece in a long running collection 'Together Forever', this time based on a short poem.

A time to enjoy and a time to share,

A moment to pause, reflect and declare,

A forever love,

For we are both already there.

And this, the inspiration to the Lovers sculpture and one we have been trying to get right for a year or so due to its heavy use of metal and gold leaf. Now it looks great so I have decided to finally release it.

Hopefully something for everyone, the Impossimals Remastered will just have to wait a little longer I'm afraid...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Feasty

I love food. No, really, I love food I just don't always eat enough of it but when I do I like to enjoy what I eat but I have noticed a trend amongst food manufacturers, if the packaging changes so does the food. This didn't used to worry me but now I look more closely at the contents they really do push it some times.

To flavour some of the meals we have we use a pre-made stock, be it vegetable or chicken so when the packaging changed I thought uh oh, something's amiss. And it was, our healthy stock had funky new packaging and a new healthy amount of bad stuff thrown in too. An 100g of the stuff had grown from 95 calories to 160, carbohydrates had shockingly rose from 4.9g to 27g and now included 9g of sugar. Salt and fat had been reduced, but only marginally that the other ingredients more than compensated.

Now this all sounds trivial moaning about small movements in quantities but multiply this by all the products you use and by stealth, even eating the same products that kept you in shape, you will slowly gain weight. It's no wonder people are so confused with packaging and on just what is healthy and what isn't, don't even get me started on price comparison and weights, I could write a book on some of the things I have noticed.

Anyway, the blog is about fun so let's brush all that aside and not get my Snickers in a Twix, whilst looking up various chocolate bars for a story I am writing I came across some peculiar entries on Wikipedia.

Anybody tried a Godiva? I'm intrigued by the description, 'A lot of kinds. With stuffing inside', personally chocolate coated stuffing doesn't do it for me, whatever next, chicken wings in chocolate to go with it. Although I do like the sound of the sordid Golden Rough, did you know there's one called Menthe? Isn't that what hardened drinkers drink? Still, somebody could buy you a Moody, or even the suggestively sounding Oh Henry!

Still, Koreans get to enjoy a Crunky, which I can't help but think its spelt wrong, then again it does contain, if you look closely 'Rice Crips'. A perfect accompament to Welch Fudge, which sounds so wrong that it should be a in a manual somewhere on what not to get in to.

Before I Revel in more chocolaty Bounty I have just noticed its After Eight and I have the Munchies which is no Picnic I can tell you. Here's a challenge for you, today try and fit as many chocolate bar names into your everyday banter. In a meeting? No problem, try using terms like 'That's a great idea, definitely a Yorkie' or 'The statistics show we are completely Double Deckered'. Work in Health Care? Then try 'I'm sorry, but you have contracted a bout of Caramac Breakaway'. Even members of the law can indulge, imagine slapping on the handcuffs to the phrase 'You're Kit-Kat my son, I'm taking you in for a Penguin, you'll need a Bounty to get out of this one.'

See, easy, and it will brighten up everyone's day. Rolo. :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal

Diary of a Lion

Being the Essex lion is a tough job, I had spent loads of time preparing for my big day and timed it perfectly when I strode across the field in all my glory trying to look as big as possible. Obviously I had over eaten for days before to get my large bulk but I also needed to get my mane to look right, after all, I was going to be a star.

It all started a week ago, I was sat thinking about how gorgeous I am when lo and behold a documentary came on the talking box that my pets watch. It was some kind of soap opera, Big Cat Diary I think it was called, lots of celebrity cats acting out stories in something called a den. From that point onwards I knew what I wanted in life, to be a celebracat!

Obviously my friends thought I was mad, Arthur had already tried his hand at the X-Cat auditions earlier this year with his failed toast catching act, whilst Tom had been booed off stage after pretending to be a dog. But I knew I would make it, and it seems the gods are smiling, royal ginger things seemed to be dominating the press, one more wouldn't hurt.

So I started to pretty myself up with a nice relaxing bath, making sure to cover my mane to keep it fluffy, because I'm worth it.

Simple dog tried to join in and uttered some rubbish about entering Britains Got Talent and going one better than dancing. Honestly diary, I don't think the world is ready for a dog wearing dentures that breaks wind to music. Stupid dog, he's so provincial.

Still dismal Dill, the depressed wig wearing self styled hipster cat was no better, instead of wishing me good luck he just shrugged and carried on eating. What does he know anyway, I'm going to be a star just you wait and see.

So here it is, my final photo before I stride out into that field, a quick hit of catnip then I'll cast off my robe and away I go, break a leg as they say in luvvie land.

UPDATE

OMG!!!!!! I'm SO excited!!!! I'm a star!!!! I had paparazzi, police escort, helicopters and everything. I'm a star! tra-la-la!!!!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Everything Impossimal