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Your pocket guide to Christmas Day television and beyond, simply use our patent screen scissors to cut out your computer or laptop screen to have this free guide to Christmas always handy.

Christmas Eve

9am Sinbad And The Eye Of The Chicken - Sinbad stumbles from a fantastic voyage battling mythical creatures into a well known chicken drive through restaurant only to find his Chicken burger is looking back at him. A fight ensues and Sinbad discovers there's more to his burger than he first thought as he uncovers a secret lips, eyes and arsehole processing factory. Disgusted he releases the Kraken in revenge and opens an ethical restaurant in Hull.

1pm Cash In The Attic - We visit celebrities with the HMRC for a Christmas tax avoidance special and find out just how much untaxed cash they really stuff in the attic and under their beds. Special guest appearance sponsored by Starloadsabucks.

2pm FILM - Santa Clause - When Santa falls down a chimney a legal battle ensues as Santa sues the entire population of the world for having unsafe chimneys and householders for enticing him with booze leading to alcoholism and mince pies leading to diabeties. Using legal aid Santa manages to win his case forcing banks to pay out billions in compensation, governments to announce austerity cutbacks worldwide and banks to ask for bail outs. As we slide as a nation into anarchy Santa sues again, this time for not allowing for his disabilities and failing to supply parking facilities for his sled and reindeers. Another win for Santa further squeezes the coffers and budgets to schools, hospitals, the emergency services and highway maintenance leaving the government no option but to announce will the last one to leave the UK please turn off the light. Entertaining! 5/5 *****

5pm Strictly Dancing On Ice In The Jungle - Dant and Eck, our chirpy presenters take seventy three has been celebs through several trials as they attempt to foxtrot wearing ice skates over crocodile infested pools whilst eating kangaroo gonads. Vote lines are now open dial 0800 YES-PLEASE to vote yes and make sure that we throw Dant and Eck to the crocs.

6pm The Snowman - Shown every year its a sad tale of a disillusional boy who has no friends and has to make them out of snow. Uncaring parents let him cavort about outside wearing nothing but his pyjamas and allow him to open his door to a naked stranger wearing just a hat and a scalf in the dead of night, a stranger that sinisterly tries out his parents false teeth before abducting the boy. A drug fuelled sequence shows the turmoil in the boys head as he experiences a flying sensation and dancing snowmen before being dumped infront of a jolly drunk who entices him with the promise of a present. Cert 18 - May contain disturbing drug induced scenes and a death sequence at the end.

7pm Coronation Street - In a family Christmas special a posse of Eastenders invade the street in an attempt to win this years soap awards. Gail Platt throws the first punch at Peggy Mitchell who retaliates by setting fire to Ken Barlows hair, twenty six fights occur simultaneously as the street erupts into Christmas violence when it is revealed that Pat Butcher is the love child of Ena Sharples and Arthur Fowler. A tram crashes through the flimsy sets whilst a multi car pileup causes mayhem in the shop when it tips over a display of tea bags. Featuring four plane crashes, three murders, two affairs and a partridge in a pair tree this episode will bring a smile to everyone this Christmas.

9pm A Christmas Nativity - Problems abound at Canterbury Cathederal when a donkey bought in to stand next to the manger goes berserk knocking baby Jesus to the floor and stamping on several wise men before being restrained. A delightful modern production guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye even if it's just for a wish for it to end.

9:30pm Lets Rev Your Kid Up - A program special designed to get your kids ripped up to maximum excitement levels so they play you up when you tell them it's time for bed. Guaranteed to make sure they wake up every twenty minutes from 1am to check for Santa.

12pm Carols From Westminster - Hopefully 24,365 Carols will attend this yearly event to try and break last years record of 22,615 Carols in one place. Participants must bring their birth certificate along on the day as proof of being a Carol. Our most popular broadcast will take you through the Carols as they file in and out of Westminster and are counted along the way. Rivetting stuff.

Tomorrow we have Christmas Day covered.

TV listings courtesy of Knob Twiddlers Weakly, your only guide to Knob Twiddling.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fab

Sunday was the last Christmas With The Impossimals event at the Original Art Shop in Trentham Gardens and it went out with a bang. Oodles of collectors came along on the day to the Impossimal filled gallery making for a memorable four and a half hours of packed story telling, picture dedicating, collector meeting Impossimal fun. We were quite lucky to have two originals to finish off the four event special, 'Yummy Mummy' (centre top) and the original to 'The Lovers' (centre bottom) which we only managed to secure last minute and a plethora of rare pieces.

The gallery was packed and stayed packed the whole event, very quickly gaps started to appear on the walls as Impossimals found new homes and we extended the appearance to cope with the crowds and had to introduce a ticket system as the gallery got even fuller!

So a fantastic end to four great events. We have met loads of new collectors along the way and enjoyed it immensely.

We even decorated a few baubles so to speak, this little Impossimal reindeer (but not the bauble) will be shortly making an appearance in the Impossimal Christmas Story in my pigeon hole at www.welcometoreal.com.

A big thankyou to everyone that came along to the events, thanks to all the galleries involved and of course it goes without saying that we both hope you all have a great Christmas and a happy New Year!

The blog returns to its normal madness tomorrow as I spiral out of control and return to the studio.
Brace yourself!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Big One

This weekend is the final event in the Christmas With The Impossimals calendar with my second visit this year to the awesomely popular Original Art Shop in Trentham Gardens. In what promises to be a great event there will be loads of special and rare Impossimals to see, new unseen originals and of course a great team on hand to boot. We will both be there on Sunday 16th December between 12-3pm to dedicate pictures, tell the stories to the Impossimal pieces and of course thank you for supporting the Impossimals through another year.

So come along and join us for a warm welcome on Sunday for what will be our last event for quite a while at the final Christmas With The Impossimals party!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

We Love Real

A few months ago I was invited to join in a new social network with a difference, a social network that used the mail system to update a real pigeon hole that would be photographed everyday and updated on a website. Have a look at www.welcometoreal.com to see what others are posting, you can even communicate between users by post using the pigeon hole numbering system. Quite a unique chance to participate in a fun way so I have thrown everything Impossimal at it to keep my pigeon hole entertaining for a few weeks so to speak.

The welcome pack contains everything I need and the last few days have been spent finishing off what I have been working on for a month. All the items have been placed in numbered envelopes along with instructions for each day to guide my pigeon hole through a Christmas that could only be Impossimal.

With a cast of seventy my little pigeon hole should be rocking to bursting point by the end as they all take to my makeshift pigeon hole stage...

Ta-da! I'll keep you posted as to when it goes live, just hope it all works!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Stan D'liver

Maudlin Maude here dear, I love to knit and hum at the same time but recently I have taken to wearing a mask and hanging around on towpaths with my blunderbuss, occasionally holding up passers by. It worried me so much that I decided to give myself a test and yes I was a modern day highwayman. How many others have this undiagnosed condition I wondered so to help you diagnose your condition I have created this handy test.

 

Question One

You are on a bus full of passengers going to Clackton halfway through your journey you...

A) Start your packed lunch of egg sandwiches and offer your companion a bite.

B) Finish off that nice little knitted cardigan

C) Tie a handkerchief around your face and pull out a flintlock pistol shouting 'Stand Sirs and throw us that you have about'ye' before kissing a pretty lady and leaping out of the back of bus fire door and onto your horse 'Black Bessie'

 

Question Two

What is it?

A) It's one of those fancy Turner art things I don't understand.

B) A handy ornate vase for some nice flowers.

C) It's a six inch coat pocket flintlock pistol with smooth bore. Equipped with hook to slip over a belt the craftsmanship on the internal doglock mechanism is second to none and was manufactured by Smithturner Esq in 1702. The dry powder chamber is prone to dampness and should be cleaned regularly.

Question Three

You are going to a party and are stuck for what to wear, do you...

A) Pop down to M&S and buy something nice that you have had your eye on and some comfortable underwear while you are at it.

B) Look through your wardrobe and pull out three items, after much deliberation you choose the appropriate one for a party.

C) Wrap a large cloak around you, wear a tricorn hat and leather boots and arrive at the party by crashing through the window. You stride down the buffet table kicking aside all the food whilst brandishing your newly acquired silver handled coach pistol before stealing all you can carry.

Question Four

You are late for work and have missed the bus, do you...

A) Phone work and apologise telling them you will make the time up.

B) Phone work and apologise, order a taxi and make the time up.

C) Saddle up Bessie, put on your best spurs and shout 'Out of the way varlets!' as you ride like the wind and gallop into the car park. Kick open the office door and shoot out the lights with your newly acquired multi shot flintlock pistol before crashing through your bosses window and pistol whipping him into submission. You then proceed to rob the petty cash.

Question Five

You are in a lift with three other people going up ten floors, do you...

A) Politely ignore eye contact and look at your shoes.

B) Hum to yourself and look at a middle distance to avoid eye contact.

C) Leave them naked and hogtied whilst you make off with their valuables by jumping out of the tenth story window onto your horse below.

How Did You Do?

Mostly A's - I'm sorry you appear to be normal, don't worry though, buy yourself a mask and practice on your neighbours, one day you may be a highwayman.

Mostly B's - I'm sorry you appear to be middle age, don't worry though, buy yourself a mask and a horse. Practice crashing through your neighbours windows.

Mostly C's - You are an undiagnosed Highwayman, congratulations, now go out and rob somebody.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Indiana Solo

Indiana Groans here, my rugged good looks is a hit with women, today I will let you into my secret, the secret that is the Mystical Corrupting Ruggedtash, a Green Tash Of Ruggedness and boyish good looks.

I was busy exploring the sacred Inca temple of Moustachazuma, a temple built to worship all things hairy, when I inadvertently triggered a trap and I was sent tumbling down a stubble slipway and into a pile of discarded trimmings. The fall was not intended to injure, I had found a secret entrance to the heart of the temple and was about to discover the greatest artefact I had ever found, the fabled Corrupting Ruggedtash. Whispered in conversations and written about in ancient texts it was a mystical item that granted the wearer rugged good looks. Being the explorer I am it was obvious I didn't need it but it needed to be safeguarded and put in a large crate to be forgotten along with that pesky ark thingy I found a few years ago. Nothing but bloody trouble was that, glad to see the back of it, just don't get me started about those cheap crystal skulls and that crap gimmicky cup I found next to that OAP knight.

So here I am about to see for the very first time the Ruggedtash, even I was amazed at what I found and believe me it takes a lot to impress me girls, even though you are impressed with my boyish rugged looks.

Behold, it even had its own inscribed case warning the holder of the potency of wearing this babe magnet. Waterproof too. It started to shake as my hand approached it, I assumed it couldn't cope with my awesomeness and sexy body. Suddenly it jumped up and attached itself to my face. I felt ruggedlicious.

Look how rugged it makes me, wow, I'd go for me. Hold on world I'm about to explode with so much manly ruggedness that there will be a babepocalypse.

See how it moves and transforms according to what I am thinking. This is the plumber come to fix your pipes if you know what I mean ladies, want to see my spanner? You know you do.

How can you resist the power of my ruggedness with these handlebars. Something to grip on to as you start to feel faint eh, ladies? Man I feel good, by the power of the tash I AM the original he-man.

Handsome overload, can you take any more girls? Magnum P.I. Tash and a mono brow, there is just too much of me and too little of you, I need to start a religion. Come worship Indiana, clothing optional, women only.

It doesn't get any more rugged than this, look into my eyes, I am what you are looking for, I am what everyone is looking for, a tash, tan and a fantastic body, you are powerless to resist, I even have a whip. I rule the world, you can't get better than me, I'm superman, I'm supermodel, I'm a god! All worship Indiana Groans!

Vader, I want that corrupting tash, forget that oversized planet you are building to take revenge on that princess, get it for me. Use your force powers to seize it from his grasping hands.

Tssshhhh Kaaaah, So be it, Tssshhh Kaaaah, Tssshhh Kaaaah...

I assume you dealt with Indiana Vader?

Tssshhhh Kaaaah, I dropped him off on the planet of the Wookies and stripped him of his tash and name, he is now called Han, a local name meaning freebooter of little or no value. We will not see him again. Tssshhhh Kaaaah, Tssshhhh Kaaaah.

Good. On with pursuing the princess using far superior technology, millions more troops and better weapons, what could possibly go wrong. Did you fix the smell in the lavatory block Vader?

Tssshhhh Kaaaah, it is fixed. I had them install an air conditioning port the size of a small proton missile, it may weaken the Death Star a little but nobody is going to notice that we have placed it at the end of a handy trench to make sure the smells escape. Tssshhhh Kaaaah.

Good. Do I look good Vader? Go on, you know I do. Damn, I feel rugged.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Light, Dark and Jeff

I'm sat typing this recovering from a very busy weekend indeed. Saturday was the third Christmas With The Impossimals event this time at the Evergreen Art Cafe in Daventry. The first time we had visited the gallery and we had a ball. From 11am-3pm we met not only the Christmas card competition winners but also plenty of collectors in fantastic surroundings, so a big thanks to Simon and Vicky for a great day and of course to all the collectors who came along on the day.

Getting home that night plunged us into a different world, one of darkness. Something we first noticed as we pulled onto the street; all the street lights were out as well all the houses. A power cut had plunged us back into the nineteenth century as we struggled with the concept of no heating, lighting or indeed X-Factor. Actually that last one was a blessing but we won't talk about my niggles with television program's at least not today.

If you had looked in our window around five thirty on Saturday you would have seen a scene from Charles Dickens. The both of us huddled around a candle in front of the gas fire, both wearing fingerless gloves, scarves and big coats. All it needed was a few top hats and a few sixpences to shuffle around and we would have looked like a pair of Fagin's plotting a stint of Christmas pickpocketing. It wasn't what I had in mind as an ending to a great day. It was further compounded with the electricity providers insistence to charge you for a phone call to find out how long it's going to be down. A weak electronic voice croaked 'give us an hour' before charging an extortionate amount to my bank balance to fund their Christmas party.

It seems even in times of need you will be charged for the inconvenience of being inconvenienced in a highly inconvenient way. Around a hour and a half later, just as we were getting used to the plummeting temperatures and finding our way around the house using our shins the power returned in an explosion of sight, sound and colour causing temporary blindness and allowing me to stumble upstairs in spectacular fashion. Unfortunately we found that returning back to the twenty first century X-Factor was still on as was Strictly and numerous other shows that seem to be permanently fixed in our brainless TV schedules. Needless to say the television remained off whilst we packed the boxes ready for another weekend event, a Foreverbunny Christmas.

At 5:30am Sunday morning we could be found getting ready for a pop up Foreverbunny stall at Cromford Mill in Derbyshire. It was to be very Christmassy, a small tent outside Arkwrights Cromford Mill that was host to a Christmas market complete with carols, Santa and of course reindeers. The reindeer above is called Jeff, he lives very saucily with two goats and is indeed as cute as be looks. From 9am onwards Jayne and myself had become stall holders and sent many a Foreverbunny on their way to their Foreverhomes until we packed it all away around 4pm until next weekend. Because next weekend is this...

The final Christmas With The Impossimals event, a massive appearance at the Original Art Shop in Trentham Gardens. These events at this time of year are always big and this is going to be no exception, it's not only the last event this year but our last event for a long time as we retire back into the studio and out of the galleries for a year, so this is really your last chance to witness one of the biggest gathering of Impossimals in one place, meet us both, find out all the stories behind the pieces and just what's happening in the Impossimal world for 2013. If you do get chance to come along to Trentham Gardens this weekend on Sunday 16th December between 12-3pm you won't only be treated to an excellent gallery stuffed full of Impossimals but also a fantastic shopping experience with oodles of places to buy all those Christmas presents.

Can't wait!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Extra Special

Tomorrow, Saturday 8th December is the latest Christmas With The Impossimals appearance at Evergreen Art Cafe (www.evergreenartcafe.co.uk) in Daventry. If you do get chance to come along to this special event then you will see something even more special as the gallery has asked me to bring along my clay and cardboard sculptures for all to see. So in addition to the appearance, competition winners presentation and assorted fun you will get for the very first time to see four full models, including the ones shown above, showing the various stages of Impossimal construction and mock sculptures from part of the Impossimals development. A little bit of potted history bringing everything right up to date with models created only last week.

It should be a great day, the winning Christmas cards are flying out the door raising funds for charity and they will be for sale on the day along with plenty of Impossimals and a few special originals too.

See you tomorrow for the penultimate date in the Christmas With The Impossimals calendar!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Top Tip Tapir

Tipping top tips the Top Tip Tapir tips will enhance your life and bring you health, wealth and happiness. Maybe. Stroke my nose for extra special tips.

Tapirs Tips

Recreate a posh iPad by simply looking in a mirror and talking to yourself in 'Facetime', occasionally run your fingers across the mirror to pretend swipe.

Want a white Christmas this year? Simply cover the garden with Smash ready mix potato for a safe alternative that won't melt.

In a restaurant place a small plastic shark in your dessert and inform the manager that you have been given shark infested custard and demand a refund.

Recreate a visit from the Men In Black by drinking two bottles of scotch. The very next day you will awake in a strange place with no memory of events the night before.

Don't buy special convenience food, simply take a sandwich to eat on the toilet.

Hold any book at forty five degrees and whilst reading it slowly move it away from you for a thrilling Star Wars intro feel. Alternatively read the ending then all the pages in between in a random order to recreate a Pulp Fiction feel.

Cold hands? Simply get warm by setting fire to your gloves.

Crave attention when you break wind in a crowded elevator? Simply ask the people around you if they can smell popcorn, you'll get all the attention you need when they take a good deep breath.

Annoyed that you can't get an appointment at the doctors? Phone the vets instead and get in immediately, you may need to turn up in a cage or wearing a collar and lead to convince the pesky receptionist.

Make everyday a Scooby Doo day by adding Zoinks! to the start of every sentence and ending your day at work by saying to your colleagues 'I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky people'

Fasten strips of fatty bacon to the tyres of your car to recreate a skid pan feel. Alternatively Sellotape monkey nut shells to them for super snow grip during the winter months.

Pistachio shells banged together make excellent sound effects for miniature horses.

Builders pretend your posh by lifting your steaming cuppa to drink using only your little finger.

Tapirs Top Tip Handy Signs

Avoid embarrassment by hanging this outside the loo after a good session.

Worried that slamming your back door will eventually lead to it having to be replaced? Use this handy sign to ask people to be gentle with your back door.

Finally a solution to your monkey car problems. Warn other motorists that your vehicle may shed banana skins and the loose monkeys could impart your driving ability with this handy warning sign.

That's it from the Top Tip Tapir so until next time it's ta ta from Tapir. Have a great day.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How Old Are You?

The new gameshow 'How Old Are You?' leaps from its prime slot on national television to become a feature on today's blog. For those of you that have never seen this incredibly popular and entertaining television show enjoyed by millions it aims to help contestants that have forgotten how old they are rediscover their age, accurate to within ten years, probably.

So without further ado, let me introduce your host for today Reg Todgers and his hilarious sidekick Busty Din fresh from his other hit show 3,2,1 I'm Going To Hurl.

'Hi, my name is Reg Todgers and what a show we have lined up for you folks so settle back in your high chair, arm chair or commode and get ready to play 'How Old Are You?

(Applause)

'As always we start with our catchphrase 'How Old Are YOU?'

Audience - 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

(Applause and laughter)

'Here we go, remember your starting age is zero, each question you answer will add a number to your age, add them all together to get your real age. Question one'

'You are in the library and you see 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' filed under the romance section, do you...

A) Remove the filth and place it in the bin

B) Pick it up and let it naturally flop open hoping to find the dirtiest page

C) Move it to the children's section

D) Snot

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1

'Question two, visual question'

'Does this make you...'

A) Sob uncontrollably at the state of society and write an angry letter to your MP.

B) Laugh uncontrollably until you are sick and take a photo of it.

C) Post it on your blog as part of a desperate effort to entertain.

D) Fart.

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)3 D)1


'Question three, choose the correct words to fit both blanks...'

'I would like to _____ your _____ said Bert as he started stripping.'

A) fumble, frumpit

B) curdle, milk

C) wallpaper, wall

D) burp, name

Add this to your age A)5 B)4 C)20 D)1


'Question four, what is it?'

A) At my age I expect to be able to relieve my bladder every thirty minutes, this is most inconvenient and I will be reporting it to the manager.

B) Captains log star date XXXL

C) The work of a genius and the result of an awesome party.

D) Poo

Add this to your age A)20 B)5 C)5 D)1


'Final question folks, We have skilfully hidden a message in this picture, see how long it takes you to find it...'

A) Less than a second

B) Over thirty seconds but less than a minute

C) I'm absolutely disgusted with this, I will be writing a letter to my MP

D) Plop

Add this to your age A)5 B)10 C)50 D)1

'That's it folks, add up your scores and you should finally have your real age, write it down it may be useful later in job interviews or when trying to buy alcohol. How Old Are You?'

(Applause) 'NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUNG MAN!'

Age Chart

You scored less than ten - Well done, you are a real toddler and the life and soul of any party providing it involves jelly and ice cream.

Between ten and forty - Well done, you are rapidly approaching the age where bits flop or drop off, get out the nasal trimmer and get ready, it's grim but you are the life and soul of those 'special' parties we know you go to.

Between forty and forty two - Enjoy your mid life crisis. Buy a fast car and pretend you are twenty, when you eventually come out the other end enjoy the downhill ride that's coming.

Forty three to seventy - Gradually start to moan about the good old days and how things were better in your day, write a blog if it helps to avoid you thinking about the bits that are stiff, don't work or are generally not as flexible as before. Start drinking heavily if it helps to block it all out and avoid using computers as you are not really very good at it because in your day you used pen and paper. Watch the news everyday to increase your depression and check the obituaries every week to see if any of your friends are in it.

Seventy to two hundred - It's all too late now to do anything about it so feel free to speak your mind anytime and be politically incorrect. It's also the time that you realise the best things in life aren't things at all so leave them with a cliff hanger and make your last words be 'Knock, knock' or 'Wow, so that's what it's all about'

If you are reading this on Facebook feel free to post your scores below :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals