Oh My!

According to my weather app today is a bad day to mow the lawn or have a barbeque and to make matters worse my hair has a high frizz risk so instead settle down to today's blog, a romp through inappropriate superhero moments as they get together for a super party.

It all started to go wrong after aunt Maude overheard a private conversation between Batman and Robin discussing party preparations. Batman had to do some quick talking to get out of this pickle but eventually they made it into the bat cave to get ready.

Batmans vanity though was becoming a bit of a problem, with over two hundred to choose from he eventually chose a nice pink number trimmed with fur and a bottom flap. Fearing that it would clash with his own costume Robin decided to go in his birthday suit, not for the first time may I add.

They both arrived at the party ready to have a great time, all the superheroes were going to be there. Robin stepped out of his costume and strode proudly in to the tune of na,na,na,na,na Batman!

Meanwhile, Superman had problems of his own, Lois was acting very strange indeed after researching a story about Rogers Rampant Ruffian Robots Ltd the night before.

It wasn't only Lois that was thinking about the night before, Supeman closed his eyes and thought back to his night.

It was not nice and he felt more than a little ashamed.

Especially when they bought in the machine, but hey, a dollars a dollar which ever way you earn it.

And boy did Superman know how to earn it, if only the reporters knew what really went on behind the hero headlines.

Superman left Lois and on his way to the party decided to visit a couple of 'friends' to relax.

Spider-Man had had enough and decided not to go to the party but instead took matters into his own hands.

Which was probably a wise discision as revelation after revelation was revealed, topped by Wonder Woman's stunning admittance.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Footprints In The Butter

Toasters have always frightened me. That's a hell of a statement I know but how many times have you jumped when they have popped up unexpectedly? We have a particularly vicious toaster that pops so loud it can be heard as a rapport three miles away and makes small children cry. So in the interests of science I decided yesterday to confront my fears and instead experiment with the toaster to reduce the impact of the 'pop'.

The mechanism is quite simple, as soon as the sensor, basically a bi-metallic strip in my case, triggers it releases a catch on the compressed spring which returns to it normal uncompressed state by pushing up the small shelf holding the toast. Simple, the 'clunk' it produces is the metal on metal stopper so it should be a simple job of covering one or the other up to soften the clunk.

Well, lets just say that if you ever attempt this remember that things can catch fire. My new soften pop clunk was marred by a small bush fire as the softening agent, a tiny bit of soft wood decided to combust. Not surprising really, you know considering the wood / fire relationship but what else to use? Anyway, to cut a long story short I could find no easy way to alter it so instead decided to play with the spring.

Who would have thought that stretching the spring to nearly breaking point turns a toaster into a trebuchet? Our new high tension toaster or HTT for short now sounds like a shotgun and is quite capable of throwing toast through double glazing. Suddenly toasting has become more fun, no longer do I walk around pensively waiting for the clunk, now I'm giggling hysterically dodging toast rockets while the toaster sounds like a small war.

Toasting is now a serious past time and I make sure that I tie a handkerchief around my head, camouflage my face and put Ride Of The Valkyries on the iPod before I get out the toaster. Man, I love the smell of toast in the morning. So taking this theme I have also altered a few other pieces of kitchen equipment to create a combat kitchen experience. Placing boulders in the washing machine gives a pleasant rumbling effect that sounds like approaching tanks. Turn on all the gas hobs to full and throwing iron filings into them give the illusion of phosphorous explosions whilst attaching knives to an electric hand whisk creates a pleasing helicopter effect quite capable of removing limbs.

Advanced kitchen warfare involves tipping over the fridge so you can open the door and sit inside it trench like. Get other members of your family to hide in cupboards and drawers for example and become pretend snipers using saucepans as helmets and forks as bayonets. Use unpeeled potatoes as grenades and squirty cream as flame throwers. Fill the sink with water and sit in the washing up bowl for makeshift sea battles or coastal bombardment, frozen peas make great 10mm shells with which to bombard your fridge trench.

For the ultimate kitchen warfare though turn your kitchen into a jungle by hanging broccoli and bananas from the ceiling for foliage, scatter cabbage leaves on the floor and celery on the worktops. Turn on your oven an open the door to increase the heat, boil a kettle for a steamy atmosphere and set up various 'traps' in cupboards, such as spring loaded cheese knives and George Forman Grills on pendulums in high places to give a satisfying smash in the face when the door is open. Challenge friends and neighbours to take part in jungle kitchen warfare by issuing them with a colander helmet and a potato peeler weapon before locking them in the room for several days. Eventually they will search the drawers and cupboards for food or a key to let them out and experience the thrills of your hidden surprises and experience the horrors of kitchen combat first hand. Use a spare bedroom as a handy MASH unit for injured participants, masking tape and slices of tea cake make great emergency bandage and pads.

Form a 'squad' by convincing neighbours to do the same, turn lounges into deserts, bathrooms into Arctic conditions, bedrooms into bombed out bunkers the limit is your own imagination!

Visit www.myhouseisatipanditsallyourfault.co.war for more information and free 'Bathroom Battleship Conversion Kits' and how to make a toothpaste bazooka.

Seriously, I'm not really scared of toasters, I'm actually scared of spoons. There was this one time when I found out spooning has more than one meaning...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Suck It And See

Hi, my name is Baron Ivan Tobite Urneck and if like me you look a little rough in the morning have you ever thought it might be down to vampires? Yes, they really do exist and no, they don't twinkle or make sickly movies, a real vampire keeps their identity secret but there are some tell tale signs you can check for in your own home before you accidentally go out and bite a virgins neck.

Number one give away, red eyes. A dead cert that you are a VAMPIRE! red eyes are due to excessive blood from gorging on a victims neck, either that or you are a hopeless drunk that is ready for a quick 'nip'. Check for the bodies of victims around the house, if none are found then sorry you are just a hopeless lush.

Ever wondered why every photograph you have taken of yourself in the mirror with a smartphone has never come out right? It's because you are a VAMPIRE! I suggest removing all mirrors and bulb shaped vegetables from the kitchen cupboards, wear gloves if necessary. You have also probably noticed that if you spend long periods out in full sun you start to go red, this is a warning sign that you are about to burst into flames, vampires hate sunlight. It's been known for vampires unaware of this condition to spontaneously explode when using sun beds, stay away from all tanning equipment. Contrary to popular belief you will not shimmer in sunlight no matter what people say, ever, period.

Check your teeth, only one of the above is correct. If you have two canine teeth that look vaguely pointy then yes, you have been bitten at some point in your life and you are turning into a VAMPIRE! Stock up with snacks like raw meat and black pudding. However if you have teeth like B then you are probably called Cleetus and live in a pick up truck. Stay away from people with D teeth, they are a piano and should not be played with.

Check your date of birth, if you are more than a hundred and twelve years old and can remember Julius Caesar and your neighbour Ug who invented fire then you are definitely a VAMPIRE! Occasionally people of this age are not, if your one of them and you are not a vampire you are an INCONTINENT!

Now that we have confirmed you are a VAMPIRE, you need to know your steak from your stake. Use the above cut out and keep chart to identify food or fear. If anyone approaches you with a hammer immediately hiss at them, turn into either a bat or a wolf and fly or run away. To avoid suspicion at work start to wear a cape, you will find it handy to conceal your victims and it looks stylish in today's fashion led world. You may need to change your working hours to suit your new vampire status. Choose your friends wisely, that Mr Blade sat across from you in the canteen may not be as friendly as he seems. Real vampires don't drink animal blood, leave that to the movies, how many have you seen chowing down on a golden retriever? I'll answer that for you, none, it's just too silly to think about.

Being a vampire should not inhibit your life, look at the above selection of well known faces, how many of them are vampires?

All of them! Roger Moore used to have a steady supply of nubile young ladies led to his trailer during the filming of The Man With The Golden Gun to satisfy his hunger, how do I know this? Well, he shared the film with Scaramanga played by Christopher Lee, a real life vampire who famously played a vampire to dispel rumours he was a vampire. Incidentally the word Scaramanga is a biopularlaris ambiguation meaning VAMPIRE. Not a lot of people know that.

Jack Nicholson (top right) played a Werewolf in a film, Alfred Hitchcock made scary films and Charles Bronson made the Death Wish series, a series title that held true to his vampire living. See the connection? It's clear that there has been a massive Hollywood coverup on the far reaching effects of vampirism.

Did you know eight in ten people like the taste of blood so much they eat RED MEAT and BURGERS to satisfy their taste, another sure sign they are a VAMPIRE! Even supermarkets have capitalised on this bit of information and sell RED UNCOOKED MEAT so vampires can buy REAL BODY MEAT to satisfy bloodlust when not on the prowl. Vegetarian vampires are also catered for with Quorn sausages, Quorn is the old Moldavian word for VAMPIRE MEAT probably. If you look carefully they even sell BLOOD disguised as tomato juice, that's why it's called a BLOODY MARY when you add it to vodka, it's an acknowledgement that the JUICE is HUMAN JUICE squeezed from the necks of fresh MARY'S.

So today when you are at work try and discover who is a vampire, check their lunch box, walk around with a mirror or a sun lamp, you might surprise yourself, it could be your friend, your wife or even you!

Don't have nightmares...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Free Gift In First Issue!

Launched today is a fifty two part magazine 'Big Bangers' revealing the secrets of successful sausage skills and taking you through the professional techniques needed to become a Master Banger. Over the course of the year your will learn how to create your own tasty sausage sizzlers using nothing more than offal, sawdust, herbs, a mangle, a piece of rubber tubing and balloons. Handy charts will allow you to identify a Cumberland from twenty feet whilst you will learn the difference between health and safety as you attempt to mix batches of lips, eyes and arseholes.

Amaze friends with your latest creation as they chow down on such delicacies as the 'eight incher', a sausage with a mighty girth filled with delicious tripe, astound family when you turn your kitchen into a portable butchery shop and save pounds as you learn how to turn road kill into tasty treats using bleach.

In the first issue receive this gift absolutely free!

A link of commemorative Linconshire sausages, ready to cook. (N.B. Issue must be purchased on day of release as free gift may go green). In issue two we start you on the road to being a sausage stallion with our second free gift of a pig intestine, collect issues three to forty two to get the whole pig. By issue fifty we will give you a chance to purchase a Big Banger glass fronted fridge freezer in which to display all your pig parts. (N.B. may require a nominal charge of £299)

Future issues include

How To Be A Bender, The Perfect Cumberland Shape

Bury Your Pork, Aging Sausages The Old Fasioned Way

Push Or Pull? The Perils Of Sausage Stuffing

How To Bang Her, Adding Spice To Your Favourite Sausage

Size Has Nothing To Do With It, A Guide To Ramming Your Sausages With Taste

It'll Scrub Out, Cleaning Up your Kitchen After Butchery

Are You A Mincer?, Grinding Up The Correct Gristle

Using or step-by-step system we teach you how to smoke your sausages, pretty soon you will have a packet of twenty Pigerettes that you can share with friends. You will also learn how to roll your own Pigars for the ultimate in luxury.

Accurate photos guide you through stuffing your horn hole to pump up your bangers, how to hand crank all night and how to 'go naked' at sausage parties using man made casings. Finally in issue fifty two we have handy hints on wrapping your sausage for the perfect home made Christmas gift.

All this an more at the starting price of £4 for issue one! (N.B. Normal retail price after issue one is £9.99)

From your local newsagent NOW!

Also look out for our companion magazines, 'Loo Zoo', over forty two issues turn your lavatory into a petting zoo and 'Ape Shape', become a professional monkey barber, first issue includes Chimp Scissors!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

All4Love

Two People, One Journey, Your Story.

Over the years I have depicted many Impossimal stories based on family and friends, this year I wanted to share this with you in a very special way. Just reading some of the titles, ‘From The Moment We Met’ and ‘It Must Be Love’ conjure up mental images even before you see the paintings and that for me was my starting point, I wanted to recreate every journey, every emotion and every romance for everyone to enjoy.

So I present to you four limited editions carefully created to chart a path through life that allows through various combinations for you share your own unique journey and personal love story. Finally you can create your very own Impossimal collection that you can truly say is all about you.

From The Moment We Met

Where Our Love Grows

It Must Be Love

Happy Ever After

In Galleries Soon

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Humpty Pumpety

On the 8th December the house was plunged into darkness at tea time as the national grid in our area decided to have a nervous breakdown for two hours. 8th January it had a relapse and again refused to work, only this time it decided to disrupt breakfast for an hour. What is happening? Do I have to plan to be without electrickery every eighth of the month?

Quickly referring to my suppliers powercut leaflet I followed their advice and went around the house, checked the manual release handle on the stairlift, made sure any sensitive equipment was unplugged, we have a microwave that is tempremental but it certainly not sensitive about its shortcomings. I also switched off any equipment that was on, although the loss of power had done a better job than me and finally informed the Red Cross as suggested because it looked a bit inclement outside, oh, and it also suggested we set up a neighbourhood soup kitchen as we don't have a gas cooker. My did I get some funny looks as I banged on people's doors dressed in my jimjams. Basically it suggested a lot of do it yourself and not much of 'give us a call, we would be happy to help' kind of thing so I sat in the warmest place in the house, bed, and my mind started to drift.

It didn't drift very far, in fact it triggered a recollection of a dream I had last night when Humpty of Play School fame went on a trolley rampage in a supermarket and I was sat in the trolley kid like at the time. The last thing I remember is being smashed into the fish counter as Humpty failed to negotiate the biscuit aisle at speed ending up face down in a bag of prawns. Where on earth do these come from? Then I remembered...

Last night I watched Miranda, a comedy written very much like 'Hi-Di-Hi' and 'It Ain't Half Hot Mum', it even ends the same way with the cast smiling and waving whilst a the words 'You Have Been Watching' appears. Anyway, my dream it seems was triggered by a subliminal Humpty. Take a look top left, there he is sporting large glasses and a slightly pained expression. Funny thing is I don't remember seeing it last night but this morning I remembered it enough to rewind the digital recording to find it. Strange.

The vagaries of the human mind still astound me, so tonight I am trying an experiment, I'm going to line up a few objects and make them the last thing I see before I enter the land of nod and try to dream tomorrows blog entry. It's like Inception meets Total Recall on a shoe string, in fact where did shoe string come from, are they not called laces?

I'm off again, here's another thing that's happened today, normally we go swimming five days a week, nothing strenuous, just twenty or so lengths acting as a little break from the studio and today was no different. Well, no different until I felt the urge to vacate the pool very quickly after watching someone enter the pool with at least six plasters randomly stuck on their hand and a semi stained pad and patch on the back of their hand. It's not the entering the pool that made me get out it was more the fact that after they had completed a length they stood up and touched their hair revealing all the plasters and pads had gone and a nice weeping wound remained.

In the interests of not wanting to digest used medical patches I decided to cut my swim a little short and go and get changed uncomfortably in a busy changing room. Reason for uncomfortableness? Five naked men bending over simultaneously. Never mind moons, it looked like five puckered black holes if you excuse my language, immediately my mind leaped to my episode in a Cardiff public toilet when I unwittingly walked in on three naked men, legs up on the sink vigorously rubbing themselves with towels and willing to chat to me as soon as I entered. Better clarify that, entered as entered the public convenience not as, well, you get the idea, I know where your mind goes with this you naughty sausages.

As you can see, it's been a funny old day so to cheer it up a little I'm treating myself to a trip to the local DIY store to buy some wood.

Rock'n'roll.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Cracker Crisis Hotline

We all go through it at a certain time of life, we reach middle age and we suddenly have a cracker crisis bought on by the confusion and misery of Christmas. With nothing else better to do today take this handy test to determine once and for all what type of cracker you really are. Use it to solve cracker disputes, cracker related questions and to avoid putting cheese on the wrong cracker whilst you pull a Jacobs apart looking for a paper hat.

Simply choose the statement which closely resembles you and refer to the answer below.

A) You have a large head, a thin neck, a massive stomach, small legs and big feet with a tendency to make a large bang if pulled. Mostly you wear brightly coloured clothes that tests the limits of acceptable fashion statements and you always carry paper hats, mottos and small plastic toys for emergencies. Occasionally you sit uncomfortable at a table waiting to be picked up only to 'go off' at the slightest contact. If you are unwrapped carefully people always shake their heads in disappointment.

B) Your hair is always messy and always need straitening out before you go out. In public you always look enticing and full of promise but you have a tendency to blow things out of proportion. You have a fear of naked flames and don't like people to handle you in a silly manner, a respectable touch is your cup of tea. You are the life and the soul of parties and sparks fly when you are around but your aloofness causes people to stand at least twenty foot away from you even though you are the centre of attention. You are such an emotional wreck that people should never return to check if you are fine after you have been annoyed, it's far easier to spray you with water first.

C) As you walk down any street you turn heads, slim, well dressed and attractive you know your strengths and weaknesses and use them carefully with a regard to your fellow man. Never out of place you are equally at home at the best dinner parties or dressed in scruffs cleaning out the bin. Often complimented you always acknowledge but never gloat.

D) Friends describe you as quite square preferring traditional food, your favourite being cheese of any variety. You have a regular pattern of skin blemishes that resemble small holes and your skin can also suffer from feeling 'flakey'. Being quite a delicate person you can be broken easily, even unintentionally if not protected and you also hate rain and the soggy feeling it brings. Although you go to parties you are often left until last to be served, sometimes you even have to wait until the other guests are drunk before you are allowed to join in.

E) Everytime you open a door you find yourself on your knees looking at the mechanism. A fascination with numbers makes you a bit of a bore but you handle this by going out at night looking for a quiet weathly neighbourhood to stroll through. Your wardrobe consists of nothing but striped jerseys and black masks.

What Cracer Are You?

A) Congratulations you are a Christmas Cracker! Enjoy being pulled and relax a little more, also ditch the stupid clothes.

B) Congratulations you are a Firecracker! Enjoy showing off even though your performance is always disappointingly short.

C) Congratulations you are a Little Cracker, Enjoy being eyecandy, get your coat, you've pulled!

D) Congratulations you are a Cream Cracker, you are boring, secretly though everyone loves you but regrets you in the morning.

E) Congratulations you are a Safe Cracker, can you lend me a fiver?

Hope that has solved your cracker crisis, if you have any more cracker problems don't forget to drop us a line here at www.crackercrisishotline.cr.ack.pot

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Being Bunny

Hi, Jura here, we do get up to all sorts of fun at Bunnyopolis so I thought I would show you a few of the things we do to fill our day.

This is our hay bar, a swish little box full of good stuff to eat, you can mostly find Iona here, not that I'm saying she is big or anything she just requires more bunny fuel than the rest of us or at least that's what she tells us.

Aaran however loves playing with string, I'm sure he thinks he is a cat. Sometimes he gets very demanding and will attention seek by throwing wooden toys and play carrots around Bunnyopolis until one of us licks his ears. Orange string is his favourite after he realised that if he nibbled the ones around the bale of straw it miraculously exploded allowing him to burrow a tunnel through it.

Sometimes we congregate on our set of steps, they are looking a bit battered though but they help keep our teeth nice and healthy.

Most of the time we just like to chill in a huddle, just inside the doorway is a favourite but we can also be found under the bench or on our bale of hay.

We leave our strangest behaviour to night time where we like to puzzle watchers of Bunnycam, lining up is kinda cool but we have been known form star shapes too!

So bye, bye from all at Bunnyopolis, I'm off to beg for a piece of dried carrot, you don't get this figure by any other means. Have a great day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Gangsta Sweetshop

In a quiet village in middle England, Busta Dogg, former gang member has decided to give up his life of crime and follow his dream of opening up a small sweet shop. It's Busta's first day and we find him busily arranging the sherbet pips when in walks his first customer, a seven year old girl clutching a ten pence piece.

'Yo bitch, welcome to my crib, whaddya want for ya grills?' explained Busta eloquently.

'Erm, erm, I'd like a ten pence mix please, but no blackjacks or fruit salads.'

'What you call me Ho? I'd be packin'n'strappin you little bitch, you think you all that but you assed out, ghost before you get poped.'

The little girl runs from the shop crying.

'Dang, this sweet business is hardcore, come in here with no dead presidents you'd better jet'

In walks an old lady clutching a rather large handbag.

'Yo, saggin' bitch, hope you got some scrilla'

'Do you sell Sherbert dips young man?'

'You want me to dip in my own crib? Get the fo, outta here before my 22 makes you a 187, nobody dis the Busta!'

'Pardon? I'm a little hard of hearing you will have to speak up young man'

You hard? Who you rollin' wit? You're nuthin' but a old school newjack, gimme that bag, they are my Benjamin's'

In walks the local vicar.

'My lord, what's going on in here Mrs Muffin?'

' I don't know vicar, I only came in for some Sherbert for Harold and this young man started shouting and grabbing at my handbag. It was most unsavoury, I shall report him to the village policeman'

'See that you do that Mrs Muffin, this is a quiet village and we don't put up with any nonsense young man'

'What the f...'

'Language!'

'Did he say the f word vicar?'

'He most certainly did, I have never heard language like it since old man Stan caught his finger in the rectory door a couple of years ago, hardly any of the villages talk to him since he shouted that awful word.'

'You mean the C word Vicar?'

'Yes, I'm not going to repeat it but as soon as I heard him shout c h u f f i n g I decided then to inform the village policeman about his obscene language.'

'You two are wack, you roll up and bring your crew not showin' propers, don't want candy then we've got beef'

'Did he say beef Vicar?'

'I certainly think he is a little confused, I believe he thinks he is working in the butchers'

'I'll have a pound of sausages please young man and none of your colourful language if you don't mind'

'This is crazy! Yo actin' like yo blunted, stop buggin' n' vamoosh, before I smoke yo ass'

'He's selling cigarettes now Mrs Muffin'

'I can't keep up with this vicar, does he sell anything else? I'm looking for a few balls of wool for a bobble hat I'm starting.'

'I'll ask him, do you sell wool by any chance?'

'Wool? Wat is wool? a reefer?, you want a blunt? I got blunts the size of king kongs, I got herbs, angel dust, dimes, only twenty Benjamin's foreal.'

'Did I hear him right Vicar?'

'I believe we did Mrs Muffin'

'In that case I'll have some Acapulco gold for Harold and I'll have some California sunshine because I fancy candy flipping on a string'

'I think I'll join you Mrs Muffin, give me two rocks of chalk, I need to get ripped to my tits so I can put up with the wedding this afternoon'

'Certainly Sir and Madam, i'll throw in a few cherry lips and cola bottles, would you like any ho's with your fix?'

'No, I'm fine for now, how about you Mrs Muffin, do you need any ho's for Harold?'

'Send me a couple over later, they better pull some good tricks though, you know Harold and his bad back'

'Certainly, here's your produce I'll pop around later with Shauny and Bambi, have a nice day'

'What a pleasant young man' said Mrs Muffin to the vicar, 'Indeed' replied the vicar lighting his crack pipe.

And so another day ends at Gangsta Sweetshop, stay tuned for further Gangsta adventures as Busta Dogg decides to expand and starts selling ice cream with hilarious results and plenty of ho's.

Word up.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Tomorrows Future Today

R2-C32D here, the world first artificial intelligence blog writing robot, I see and hear everything, join me as we glimpse the future...

2013, a heartbeat away from hover cars, personal teleportation systems and time travel. Technology has never been more powerful with new innovations every day here are a few of the exciting things coming your way.

'Computers' will be the buzz word is year as for the first time they become affordable for all. Computers, you probably don't know, have been used for years by scientists and the military to work out how to divide the coffee run money and who's turn it is to buy cakes on a Friday. No longer, they are about to enter our homes in a big way. Imagine having an electronic mind that does your every bidding, some even come with additional hardware such as the Home Composer upgrade shown above where a jolly composer will leap out of the screen and entertain you in a creepy over acting display of composing joy.

Using the latest string to keyboard technology you will be able to use your new computer to make real music. Strum along to all the chart hits as you frantically try to keep up with 'Three Blind Mice' on your iGit, the latest must have from Appley.

Communication will also change in a big way whey we all have personal communications at our fingertips. Simply slip this ring on your finger and you can place calls by putting your thumb in your ear and talking into your little finger. You dial by holding up the correct amount of digits and put it on hold by clenching your fists. For a videophone experience simply stand where you can see the person you are ringing.

Entertainment makes a leap from the arcades to the home with the outstanding award winning Atari 2600, surely every child's dream this coming Christmas. It promises eye popping graphics undistinguishable from real life. Play classics like Grand Theft Tiddlywinks and Call Of Duty - Pot Washing on two strangely phallic joysticks and enjoy the wood effect console as it blends in with your wooden microwave.

We left this in to surprise you, it's the game Jurassic Lark, the first time we saw the graphical detail on the dinosaur we ran out of the room it was so real, be prepared to experience it first hand when it hits the shelves in June.

The television will become obsolete this year as we all convert to tankvision, a combination of television and fish tanks to bring you realism never seen before on the small screen. Show above is the TV-Shark the biggest and best tankvision to date, simply drop objects in the top to have them devoured live in front of your family. Comes complete with miniature oboe sound effects and real blood! Treat your family or feed your family, the choice is yours.

Finally the time saving gadget we have all been waiting for, the Snotsaver 2000, a portable hanging system to dry out used hankies solving a problem that has been with us since caveman times.

It's at times like this I like to thank Sir Issac Newton for inventing gravity, before then everything had to be nailed down or it flew away, thank you Mr Newton!

I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into your future, have fun with all the new technology, just stay away from the Dyson Ball Cleaner, it doesn't do what it says on the tin and it ripped my underpants at the same time.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Free Game!

Welcome to a new board game for all the family, Drunks On A Bus, the exciting table top pastime that recreates an exciting bus ride where the whole family become fantasy drunks. From tipsy ten year olds to hammered grannies with an age limit of 1-99 and unlimited players the whole family can join in.

All you need is a dice and a few shot glasses to act as counters, feel free to top them up anytime you feel thirsty with the shot of your choice. One player needs to be the designated bus driver and will be in control of driving the game using the square information below, all rules given by the driver must be obayed. All other players need to roll a six to start, the first one to make it home wins. Upon landing on each square your driver will issue the instructions below to add to your enjoyment of the game.

Drivers Square Notes

1 - This is the start, you are relatively tipsy but manage to pull out the correct change as you board the bus.

2 - Oh No! You have landed on two and got on the wrong bus! Curse the driver and trip over a chair to simulate a stagger fall as you exit the bus. Return to square one.

3 - The bus is moving an you haven't sat down yet, crash into other players seats and throw yourself on the sofa to finish. Return to square one.

4 - You have decided to go upstairs, it's a mistake, run up your own stairs and throw yourself off the top step swearing as you tumble down. If you live in a bungalow use a high object such as a wardrobe. Return to square three and follow the instructions.

5 - Swear uncontrollably to make other players uncomfortable, if you use more than forty naughty words in less than sixty seconds then stay on square five otherwise return to square one.

6 - You are the perfect drunk, you find your seat and sit down without falling, staggering or swearing.

7 - The player must stand on their chair and shout 'Come and ave a go if you think your hard enough before throwing themselves onto a player of your choice. The designated bus driver must then help break up the fight, try to make it as difficult as possible to seperate you. If the fight lasts more than sixty seconds stay on the square if not move to square eight and miss one turn.

8 - Miss one turn as the driver tells you to get off the bus for disrupting the passengers. Players must go outside to miss their turn and bang on the kitchen window begging to be let back in until their turn comes around again.

9 - You are a happy drunk, hug a player of your choice.

10 - The bus stops outside a pub, you leap off for a quick nip but the bus pulls away leaving you behind. Miss three turns and with each miss you must consume two units of alcohol whilst you wait for the next bus.

11 - Players must lavishly hurl, the driver may help by giving you a glass of salt water and bouncing you up and down on your chair. Miss one turn whilst you clean up the mess sobbing uncontrollably and telling yourself 'never again'. Failure to hurl means the player will return to square one.

12 - Players must convincingly fall and sustain injury. Any props are allowed from chairs to tables the only stipulation is the remaining players must be convinced you have hurt yourself. If you end up at A&E advance one square upon your return.

13 - Happy square! Open all the windows in your house and sing Tom Jones 'Sex Bomb' or 'I Did It My Way' until you wake up at least three neighbours or receive abuse from any of them. Failure to complete the task and you are booted off the bus by the driver and back to square ten so you can drink a little more to loosen up.

14 - Nearly there! You need a momento from your adventure, the player must go outside and find either a traffic cone, a supermarket trolley or a flashing road sign. If you can't find any of the items then you go back to square thirteen or choose the forfeit of urinating through your own letterbox and stay where you are.

15 - Home safe and sound, players must land exactly on this square with the roll of the dice, if you don't get the right amount then the players must go BACKWARDS that amount and follow the drivers instructions. If you do land on this exactly then congratulations, you may be a hopeless drunk but at least you made it home in one piece. At this point the player must pretend that they are in the wrong house, the driver switches off all the lights and rearranges the furniture, the winning player must then vacate the property whilst swearing and causing as much damage as possible.

See, simple family fun and one game I'm sure you will never tire of playing. Don't forget our companion games 'The Sozzled Slapper' and of course our best selling 'Blame It On The Booze' daily drunkeness to be played in an office environment where even the boss can join in.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Gold

In an incredibly generous gesture from a friend I was given over the Christmas period two coveted books, the Boys Own Annuals from 1907-1909. Way before anything Internetty, information was gained as a child from books such as these, they are the google and YouTube of their day, packed full with information you would be hard pressed to get anywhere else and stuffed full of what to do in the long evenings devoid of television and play stations. Lost knowledge, the stuff of fun.

My they are thick, each one comes in at a whopping 824 pages and weighs a ton but for me the information within is priceless, I mean, where else could you find out how to make a Bunkum Booth to fool your friends and how to train a dog to remove your hat for ladies on the same page?

Some of the articles have massive full colour pull outs illustrating everything from boats, trains, letter seals of the British Empire to a selection of famous moments in history captured on canvas.

Can you imagine a child of ten today deciding to take on this task of building a Trolley-Car using nothing but brute force, saws, hammers and chisels, it'll be fun it says as it gleefully tells you how to angle your chisel to remove a square piece of wood rather than your fingers and left testicle.

Some of them will be incredibly useful to me, there is a complete ventriloquist tutorial so you can throw your voice like this, see I have learned something usefull already. Other articles that I will be trying include how to make a Kokonutina, seriously, a musical instrument from a coconut. Reading the weather from the angles and posture of cats and dogs in front of an open fire, a lethal looking snowball catapult, face reading and how to spot a cad, the use of flowers to send a message, for example a white Camellia in your buttonhole signifies 'loveliness' whilst a small piece of fern means 'fascination'. Obviously not to be confused with the £4.99 garage forecourt flowers which mean 'Sorry' or 'I forgot didn't I?'

My favourite is The Athelete - An Amusing Toy. Amusing that is if you enjoy cutting raw tin into shape, riveting using a home made gas jet and balancing your model over the top of a fuel filled lamp being careful not to set fire to your hair or indeed the rest of your house all in the pursuit of seeing a little tin Athelete bobbing up and down on a revolving platform. Needless to say I will be in the garage all day creating this diversion and you will find me at A&E sometime around tea time.

It's also full of top tips, these are all real by the way, A Chat About Armour by Frampton Blewitt, Treasure Hunting Underwater For Boys by Owen Asche, Fancy Poultry For Boys and How To Read A Monkey, a guide to monkey management in captivity.

The Boys Own Paper was published from 1879 to 1967. Primarily aimed at wealthier children its diverse mix of sport, nature, science and entertainment was delivered by some great writers of the period. Jules Verne and Arthur Conan Doyle both contributed to the issues as well as famous people of the day such as Captain Webb, swimmer of the channel and ultimately of match box fame, Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the scout movement and W.G.Grace who's name will be synonymous with cricketers everywhere.

So these two volumes join an increasing collection of ephemera helping to shape the new selection of Lost Impossimal stories as Back To Front starts to come alive over the next six months. I'm off to build a submarine out of wooden crates and a bit of old tin, I'm sure it will work and allow me to indulge in my underwater treasure hunting fixation I have. The weather looks like it will be fine as my dog is laid at 53 degrees to the cat in front of my roaring log fire under my indoor tent created out of bed sheets, so ta-ta for now folks I'm off out on my perambulator.

Spiffing!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals