Here at Bunnyfluffs Health & Safety Tufty Club Ltd I want to inform you of the potential hazards in your daily routine and help you avoid potential accidents and inconvenience.
Lets start with potty training, as an adult you may think you know everything about going to the loo la but did you know that 14,263 slipping seat accidents could have been avoided last year if people had been informed about the correct way to sit? The most important thing when making yourself comfortable is to make sure both feet touch the floor, sliding backwards or 'dunking the apples' as its known is a common mistake. Make sure that both feet touch the floor and remain vertical to your body, splaying at this stage will cause unnecessary pressure on your lower back whilst leaning forwards will cause you to tumble into a messy forward roll.
The are of course exceptions, if you have had a particularly heavy night you are of course allowed to assume the brace position using towel rails and toilet roll holders. In extreme cases the toilet brush can be used as an emergency crutch.
Toilet roll should be completely unwound to check for sharp corners before being rewound onto the spool. At night trap one end of the toilet roll in the lid of the toilet and return to your bed leaving behind a trail of toilet paper like the Andrex puppy. Pull this tight and tie it to your bed post, then if you have the urge to use the loo in the night simply straddle the paper and shuffle along keeping the paper between your legs to find the toilet in the dark without the need for pesky lights.
Always wash your hands, I personally wash my hands six times in a row, spin round three times, throw salt over my left shoulder and chant 'Now I have been, six times thrice I am clean'. A simple routine I'm sure you will find easy to incorporate, after all it's hygienic.
Carrots are the best food to eat, they are orange and you can eat the packaging. They will give you x-ray vision, they smell carroty and taste like carrots. Eating carrots is a great way to lose weight and maintain a healthy heart. Carrots taste like chocolate if chocolate tasted like carrot. Carrots make suitable substitutes for cigars and have less of the side effects, I have also been told they can be used for something else too but I seem to have forgotten what. Carrots are great. I love carrots. No really, I luuurve carrots. Gimme a carrot dammit. I'm being paid in carrots to write this lousy article, where are they?
I am not writing any more unless you give me a carrot.
Thankyou. I'll carry on... Munch,munch
What the hell is this? Whatever this is don't eat it, in fact don't even look at it. Look at it, it's hideous! Why is it all slimy and wet? Do you eat it raw?
Take it away, I'm disgusted. It's made my ears curl.
This is more like it. Knives cause more accidents in the kitchen than tins of beans. To avoid becoming a cropper learn to use your knives properly. Practice knife throwing in the kitchen, pretty soon you will be able to spear fruit from ten paces. Amaze visitors by pinning toast to the wall after it has been fired from a toaster. All this practice pays off and because of your new knife skills you will have less accidents, it really is that simple.
Running with scissors has always been frowned on but if you always carry a pair with you it soon becomes second nature. Here I am just about to take part in a marathon, notice I'm carrying my scissors, point out, so if I do fall I stab someone else instead.
When ascending any kind of staircase never, ever do it upright. The correct procedure is to bend down and slowly put your hand on the first step followed by one leg. Then slowly put the other hand on the step,and raise your second leg. Repeat until you reach the top and reverse the procedure to descend. If at work it is permissible for ladies to ascend and descend stairs in a sidesaddle way to avoid potential embarrassment. Simply sit on the step and keeping your legs together swing them up, repeat as necessary. If you need to carry anything up or down a staircase simply get an untrained colleague to do it for you. You never know you might get a comedy fall to laugh at.
Snow, a potential hazard, it is not recommended to stay out in it too long due to its freezing temperatures. To combat frost bite build all your snowmen indoors next to an open fire, not only will you be warm but the very next day your snowman will have miraculously tidied itself away.
Pricks. That's what you get from these very dangerous cacti, plants that have been known to hook small children and eat pets. Nasty things, if you see them run away before they fire their spikes at you.
This is called the Happy Truth Drink, I love this stuff, it's far safer than water and I recommend you consume the government guidelines of two litres a day to remain healthy and to cope with today's hectic lifestyle and pressures. I'm going to have a little drinky now, care to join me? I know it's early but somewhere in the world it's night time.
Wow, everything is like awesome. Did you know, did you know, did you know you are my best buddy. Hic!
Buuuurrpp! Pardon me garçon, that was a great kebab, put cheese on me chips and don't hold back on the vinegar. Cm'ere love, do you like rabbits? I've got a big car and stuff, let me show you my impression of an elephant using just my turned out pockets.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, what did I do last night. The only thing I can remember is running down the street naked shouting 'I'm the real Ken Dodd and here's my tickling stick, what a wonderful day for sticking a cucumber through a letterbox and shouting quick, the Martians have landed!'
Best thing to do to avoid any form of accidents is to stay in bed, yes, that's it, phone up work, phone up your school, phone a friend, tell them all you are not coming in today because of bed. I'm sure they will understand.
It is my duty to leave you with a handy poster to remind people of health and safety at work, print it out and pin it up in bathrooms, canteens and even in your own office.
Have a safe day!
www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals
