Gear Top

Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkingson and welcome to Top Pedal. On this weeks show we review one car using jazzy camera shots, have a drag race between supercharged ice cream vans and attempt to drive from Monte Carlo to Sheffield in a car made out of old shoes.

Before we start we had a shock in the studio when this wonderful beast rolled through the doors. Zaz's latest creation the sexy 968-A, not to be confused with the 967-A although looking at the streamlined body it's hard not to fall in love with it. You get a lot of car for your money but optional extras include seats, hub caps, working indicators and Casio cassette player. 0-60 in one second lived up to its claim as we drove it off a cliff, after hitting the floor in a ball of flame it's unique sturdy roll age design enabled Pilchard Hammond to walk way from it unscathed. The car, unsurprisingly for a Zaz started first time with the crank handle.

Boy racers have a new kid on the block from which to shout abuse from the windows. Volkswagen have upped their game and bought out the Golf. In a typically Volkswagen fashion it's been named after old men's retirement dreams with Golf being added to the already popular car with mint sucking men, the Polo.

Features include a wheel at each corner and four doors so your mates can each have their own wind down window to shout from. Early shortages have hit deliveries and currently it's only available to anyone called Darren.

Hot car of the week is The Ford Capri, boy is this going to get you the chicks, it's bullet nose and fabric roof is the dogs and with its two week rust free guarantee its a snip at £1000 plus a deposit of £4289 and thirty six payments of £287 at 0% finance with an APR of 36.78366%. Get one, get girls, it really is that simple.

Some people call him names, but sticks and stones may break his bones, calling names doesn't hurt him. We call him the Dig.

As Dig makes he way around the track on Raleighs newest stabiliser model he likes to listen to the sound of kittens, an unusual choice some would say. Here he comes up to Gambon...and he's through, it looks slow so it's going to be a fast time. Wow, looks like the Dig has smashed all records, his high speed peddling almost ripped his trousers as he approached 100mph. The Dig finished on his £99 Raleigh with a time of 1.29, five seconds faster than the £2m Veyron.

In other news the 2013 Car Of The Year has been announced, as the whole of Europe merges into one there has been an increase in demand for communist styled cars and the Chrysler Simca is no exception. A shoe box on wheels, built like a tank this family cruiser will grace many a driveways this year. Comes complete with ammo box and emergency ration kit (a potato). Only 78 roubles and shipped direct from it's distribution warehouse in Siberia.

And on that bombshell, goodbye!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fly Me To The Moon

We are only years away from taking our holiday in Tenerife to taking them on the MOON! Experts predict that in the year 2014 we will all be issued pocket rockets that will replace the humble motor car. Top Gear will change its name to Top Thrust and a new driving test will replace the existing one. It will cost £1,000,000 and will be mandatory. It will include parking between two stars light years apart and how to brake safely at 50,000 miles an hour.

To help you on your way and to plan next years break here's a map of the moon, we still don't know what's on the other side but we have a sneaking suspicion it's something to do with cats.

Enjoy such pleasures as the Sea Of Moisture, a shallow bay full of dust, ideal to absorb deadly unshielded ultra violet rays from the sun and get an instant tan. So you feel home from home we have opened a restaurant that serves English food so you never need to start the day without a good old fry up. Moon Chips Bar and Grill can be found in nearby Palmieri, just next to the strip club.

Mood destinations are our speciality. the Sea of Crises is just that, one crisis after another guaranteed, if that's not your bag then choose between Lick or to be Lick-d. We are not quite sure why we named it that but it's kinda cool to say I'm going on holiday to Lick, we even have T-Shirts with the slogan 'I have been mooned and Lick-d'. Suffer from insomnia? Then try our relaxing Palus Somni, the marsh of sleep. Only a short moon buggy trip from nearby Da Vinci, please check timetables before departing earth, ticket required from booking office in Yerkes, no dogs.

To make you really feel at home we have created earth on the moon, travel 238,857 miles to visit Birmingham, the alps or even Teneriffe! Imagine your families surprise as they are issued with piddle packs and step off the rocket to be greeted with endless grey sand, no oxygen and of course our wonderful clear skies. You will have a crater of a time, feel like a superhero with our exclusive weightlessness, take one small step for mankind at our plant a flag events and laugh uncontrollably as fellow travellers fail to secure their spacesuit correctly and implode into a gooey mess.

Future thrills include putting golf balls into orbit, emptying the sanitary facilities safely without blowback, filling oxygen tanks with laughing gas and of course our highly anticipated zero G swimming pool, experience swimming without water or indeed a pool!

Give a whole new meaning to a Honeymoon, It's the future, get over it!

N.B. due to the nature of the moon we can only land when it's a full moon, we tried landing on the dark bit but its kinda scary and possibly something to do with moon cats. Buy two adult tickets and hamsters travel free!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Zesty, Sharp, Tangy

I found this lemon rather curious, the logo looked like the Universal Films logo, maybe in a different reality Universal Fruits made all the classic and not so classic films...

Who can forget Jaws, just when you thought it was safe to drink your gin. The film opens with a girl sipping out of a tumbler unaware that just below the surface of her gin is Jaws, the killer lemon. The opening scene of a lemon accompanied by an oboe sound effect as it latches onto her bottom lip is horrific. Lets move on...

Flash Gordon's Gin and Ming The Lemon, a classic cult film full of great lines like 'Gordons Gin is alive?!'. Despite flopping at the box office on release its now available on VHS and Betamax. Action figures of Ming The Lemon can still be found at supermarkets today (may require assembly)

ET, Extra Tasty, a left field hit that bought us the first Lemonalien to our screens and into our hearts. Who could not cry after witnessing the goodbye scene when ET squirted lemon juice in Elliot's eyes.

And on to Jurassic Lark, a mad scientist mutates lemons into limeosaurs and lemondactils which then go on a rampage after discovering that humans have machines to extract the juice out of fruit. The approach of a Tyrannalemon Rex is particularly noteworthy as is the destruction of Jurassic Lark theme park that explodes in a spectacular fashion scattering pips far and wide.

Finally is Too Fast Too Lemony, starring Vin Dieselemon. Vin needed no makeup for this role, a role he suited so well. Vin plays a hard type of person who gets involved with juicing cars, essentially pipping them up and racing them. The final scene has Vin racing his Lemonescort against several pipped up Limepolos, one by one each car gets peeled as they race over the zester circuit, a notorious rough track in the centre of Tokyo. Pictured above is Vin about to start the race.

Universal Fruit we salute you, great films and great lemons, what a combo!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pull Me

Don't say I never give you anything, today you get your own personal Fruity Machine absolutely free that you can play time and time again. Re-live the thrills of a good old fashioned one arm bandit in the comfort of your living room or office. Excellent replay value, includes holds and nudges as standard. Just a few simple things to add for that authentic fruit machine feel.

Lets pop something in the slot to begin. As you insert a coin say the word 'blurp' to simulate the coin eating noise. If you are sat in you car at this point change gear to simulate pulling the handle, if indoors then raise your left arm and use your right hand to pull it.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. It's so exciting!

Wow, you have got a cherry, a bell and a seven, good but not good enough for a payout, lets spin again.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. I can hardly contain myself.

That's a little better, a plum followed by a pop for your cherry, if we had two pops for you cherry we would be laughing. Try again only this time with feeling.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. I'm going to wet myself with anticipation!

You have the 007, two plums and a seven, even better you have been given the chance to hold. What are you waiting for? Hold your plums and pull it again, you may be onto a winner here!

Maybe not, although you held your plums you have ended up with a bell at the end. Wait, what is this?

Yay! You have a chance to nudge your bell at the end. If you look carefully it looks like there may be another plum below. Press nudge on your bell at the end to see.

There is the beauty, a full set of plums coming right up.

It's not very often you see a set of plums this good, you have hit the jackpot. Stand back its going to go mental! (Flash the lights in your room for effect whilst shouting 'wah,wah,wah' throw some frozen peas into a cup whilst standing on a chair to make the sound of a gigantic payout)

Take your 4p winnings, boy this is awesome and the fun never stops. Shall we have another go?

Yes? Then simply start at the top and read this again for more fruity excitement. Play with several friends for added effect!

Visit our website for more free machines www.mentalmachinesinmyhead.sad.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Virtual Reality

LOADING

(C) 1984 Sarcastic Adams Adventure Series

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Light Lamp"

You light the lamp, you are in a dark cavern holding a lamp. On the floor is nothing, exits are North. Lighting the lamp caused the smelly gas to explode.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Go North"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'Go North'

"North"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'North'

"N"

You go North, you are in a smelly dark cavern, on the floor is a lamp. Exits are North.

"What?"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'What?'

"N"

You go North, in the dark you trip over the lamp and break your neck.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Nothing"

You do nothing. In walks a six foot fire breathing toilet that beats you to death with a broom. Maybe some light would have been a good idea.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Fight six foot fire breathing toilet"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'Fight six foot fire breathing toilet'

"What a crap game"

You sit down in the dark smelly cavern and have a crap, in walks a hippopotamus carrying a duck. They proceed to trample you to death whilst singing the Birdie Song.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"No, I think the question is what would YOU like me to do"

You are in a cavern trying to be a smart ass, in walks a bag of midget gems, you taste one and choke to death for being so cocky.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Take the bloody lamp and stick it up your arse"

I'm sorry, I don't understand 'bloody lamp' but I do understand 'arse' so for that in walks your mum, I say walk it's more like in wobbles your mum because she's so fat. She trips and crushes you with her left breast.

You are dead (Again? Y/N)

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"Take lamp but DO NOT light it"

You take the lamp and do not light it. You are in a dark smelly cavern, on the floor you see nothing. Exits are North.

"N and don't trip this time"

You go North, very carefully you avoid tripping. You are in poorly decorated room, the cave exit disappears. You see a bright light over your left shoulder. Exits are Nowhere.

"Look"

You are in poorly decorated room, there is a bright light over your left shoulder. Exits are Nowhere.

"Look at light"

You look at the light. It's actually a window, if you look carefully you can see other people passing by. It's called LIFE, go and get one you geek.

"Wha!"

I'm sorry, I don't understand "Wha!" just like I don't understand LOL or TXT SPK, this is a text adventure, it's 2013, go and talk to someone instead of sitting inside twiddling your knobs or whatever you do with your tablet computer. Whilst we are at it pull your pants up you look ridiculous.

"Quit"

Yeah, just quit you quitter, it's a wonder you even knew that word. I bet you say things like 'I woz quit plezed wiv me self' lol.

Quit (Y/N)

"Y"

Welcome To Smelly Cavern Adventure Pt 1

You are in a cavern it is dark and smelly, you see a lamp on the floor, exits are North.

What would you like to do?

"For flippers sake, what a load of shunt"

For flipping me a shunt in walks a whale, it's your partner, together you get married, you have kids. No, literally, your kids look like baby goats and you look like a horse and will probably be made into burgers sometime in the future. I quit, enjoy your day loser.

Thank you for playing a (C) 1984 Sarcastic Adams Adventure Series production. Why not try our other award winning games like 'The Bus Stop' and the 'Mysterious Dustcart'. Now go North and multiply. have a nice day.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Top Ten Valentine Treats

Stuck what to do on this special day? Here's a few sure fire ideas to get you romantically revved...

1. Anything pink is a good bet, so a trip to your nearest pig farm is sure to be a hit. Be sure to make plenty of references and hints to having a romantic night by using the word 'porking' but avoid the word 'porky' unless of course you are referring to your bacon sandwich you thoughtfully packed along with the bubbly.

2. In ancient times horse dung was used as a deodorant, indeed during the 16th century horse dung and watercress salads were all the rage just like horse lasagna today. Treat them to this special 'history' meal and serve this historic dung cress salad with a side order of blue bottles a la sauté.

3. Go Valentines serenading. On your own, in a bush, naked, just watching, outside your valentines house. Very little singing involved.

4. Drive somewhere romantic like the Tipton refuge tip, point out the seagulls and rats, search through the garbage together looking for a ring you have pretended to hide. Fall into each others arms as the noxious gases overcome you both.

5. Go to the cinema, watch Les Miserable, cry in each others arms, buy the biggest card possible and have it presented at the end of the film. Write inside 'You make me les miserable xxx' suggest they turn to prostitution to pay your evil inn keeper then storm the barricades outside JBSports in protest. Cry. Go home alone.

6. Become your valentines fantasy partner, choose any character from Pokemon and dress up as them. Suggest they join in by dressing up as Arthur Mullard in a thong riding a donkey. 'Get it on' by sharing photographs of 1950's e-class shunter steam engines and discussing the plot of any Star Trek episode.

7. Visit a restaurant on valentines day so they will be impressed that you have wasted money on inflated prices. Further compound it by buying a single rose for £15 instead of a bunch the rest of the year for £10. Allow yourself to become one with valentines by also purchasing any cuddly toy clutching a heart, pink bubbly, a helium balloon that says 'I Love You' and a box of overpriced chocolate.

8. Promise your valentines the ride of their life, blindfold them and whisk them away to a secret location. It may take a while but eventually they will warm to a Sedgeway.

9. When you write your card include this romantic verse...

Roses are grey,

Violets are grey,

I'm a dog,

Lol.

They will be putty in your hands.

10. Not really sure this one will work but hey, here goes...

Buy a nice tasteful card and write in it what you really feel for them, be thoughtful and courteous throughout the day, any special little surprises are always nice to include but make sure you have plenty of time for each other. Listen when you need to, support when it's required, always be there everyday for that special someone in your life. Be truthful, reliable and loving, every day not just for valentines.

There, not quite sure how that's going to work but hey, it's nearly valentines day, so good luck!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

You Don't Say

After the Horsegate scandal and the discovery of Dobbinburgers in supermarkets a fresh wave of uncertainty swept across the nation yesterday as spaghetti bolognese ready meals were removed along with a few other choice products, apparently they were found to contain flavour so were considered unsafe. Fearing the worst I raided our cupboards to find out if we had any mystery meat ingredients hidden away, after working out that Blue Dragon sauces didn't contain any dragons I stopped panicking and delved further only to find a healthy dose of stupid.

Tuna, a fish, and if I had purchased tuna in the supermarket I would expect to get tuna which if you didn't know is a fish. Tuna can be quite 'fishy', it's a fish you know. Oh, I'm sorry, did I tell you that tuna is a fish? Apparently we have all had lobotomies so thoughtfully emblazoned on the tin of tuna is a nice handy 'contains fish', for extra emphasis the word 'fish' has been printed in bold. I'm glad they told me that, here I was sat in my underpants about to open it and expect Beyonce to fly out riding a pig. Really, they should label things far more clearly.

Well I never, sweet corn is vegetarian. All along I though it was a fish.

Mushroom soup, yum! Did you know that the list of ingredients on the back of a product is listed in order of quantity? Those listed first are the main ingredients and it reduces to the smallest at the end. So you can imagine my amazement that mushroom soup, being made of mushrooms contains only 8% mushrooms, the rest is mostly water and thickening agents. I worked out that the price of this tin of soup divided by the mushroom percentage works out that each mushroom costs you around 12p. Lets just think about that for a minute, if the mushrooms quantity was raised to 25% you would have a tin costing £3, that's some serious mushroom soup. After that bombshell I'm off to have some chicken soup.

Or should that be chicken flavoured starchy water? Only 4% chicken? You're spoiling us.

Still, it's always pleasing to know that there's someone out there to help you. Struggling to know what to do with a time of beans? Maybe you have been slotting them in your ear instead of your mouth, well struggle no longer, phone this handy Consumer Careline and they will tell you where to shove them.

Nuts contain nuts and are not suitable for nut allergy sufferers because they are made in a factory that uses nut ingredients, but you already knew that didn't you. Did you know a nut isn't a fish and tuna isn't a nut?

But I'm sorry it has gone too far, the most unacceptable thing I have come across is that they have now started spoiling my enjoyment of those little bags of air I buy from them by putting a few crisps at the bottom of the bag and that is downright despicable.

Today's blog has been bought to you by www.groundgrandmotheringredients.co.com, bulking meat products since 1066.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Place In Our Hearts

A few months ago I blogged my support for Saying Goodbye (www.sayinggoodbye.org, a film about Saying Goodbye can be found here), an international organisation offering support and rememberence services for anyone who has lost in pregnancy, at birth or in the early years. This month I have completed a special original that is being donated to Saying Goodbye to help raise funds and continue its invaluable support.

Taking the story of its founders, Zoe and Andy Clark-Coates I decided to paint a gentle piece that reflected the aims of Saying Goodbye, indeed the title of the painting is actually called 'A Place In Our Hearts', mirroring the positive stance that Saying Goodbye takes towards it's goal of providing support, understanding and a collective way to cope with the loss of a child.

Framed in a distressed white with slip the back of the piece is decorated with Impossimals and a unique dedication, I'll let you know just when and where this donated original will be available later in the year.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Underpants Of Mystery

It was over breakfast Monday morning that the series of weird events started to unfold. This weekend was the two day showcase event called the Spring Launch from my publisher Washington Green, essentially all the artists show their latest creations to a plethora of galleries who descend on the ICC in Birmingham and we all have a jolly good time.

They day before had been very busy and ended with a memorable night on the twenty fifth floor for a Christmas party, we went to bed happy if slightly wobbly.

The next morning though it was time to do it all again, like Groundhog Day we had breakfast, got ready for the show and started to pack our cases to check out. Only this time I noticed a small drawer in the centre of the table that I had not explored. Normally I check out every thing, sometimes to breaking point but I had overlooked this one and full of excitement expected to pull it open and find a free shoe mitt. I found pants and a small pair of ladies socks.

What do you do? Obviously I was intrigued and disgusted at the same time, intrigued that these two items appeared together in one drawer, disgusted that they looked, how shall I say it, used? Not used but placed in a manner that they may have been removed in a hurry. The socks however were scrunched into a ball. How did they end up sharing a drawer? The pants looked quite big and of the Y-front variety (I used a pencil to turn them over CSI style) whilst the socks were tiny (I used a pencil and a shoe horn to find out) images of a burly businessman indulging his fetish of wearing ladies socks entered my mind and The pants slid off the end of the pencil and onto my foot.

No,No! NO!!

Jayne found me hopping about semi naked with a shoe horn and a pencil, it took some explaining I can tell you. We checked out after creating a mystery, the pants we left enticingly peering from the top of the wardrobe whilst the socks were used as novelty feet for the cushion monster we left on the bed, it even had towel arms and eyes made from soap.

The car was a short walk away and we popped the case in the boot and seeing it was a little early decided to sit inside for a few minutes before going to the show. It was locked. No, really, it was locked. No amount of key pressing would budge it. Both electronic keys just caused it to make a small whine and I'm sure a huff, it was not happy.

So we missed the final day. Two and a half hours in a car park waiting for the recovery vehicle that couldn't find me because I didn't have a phone signal in the undercover car park and couldn't drive in because his van was too tall only to find that the engine management system had been working overtime and drained the battery. We finally got the car open manually and one jump start later the engine started, the only problem was that if we stopped, although the battery was in full working order the management system drained it quite rapidly. There was only one alternative and that was to get it into a garage, gloomily we proceeded to drive back to our dealership waving our day goodbye.

So if you were passing the Mailbox in Birmingham around 12:40pm yesterday you would have found me parked outside, bonnet up, shaking my head along with the guy from the RAC and watching pound signs flittering away into the air. Sorry if I didn't wave back.

Anyway, the blogs not about that, it's about things I find, I'm like a crap Bagpuss, I find things and quite possibly break them or make them do things they don't want to.

Take this for example, one of those magnifying mirrors that make you look really ugly in HD, great for makeup I'd imagine, although I tend to smudge my lipstick, even better for turning them into a search light. At the right angle you can shine nearby lights onto other things. Cool.

They are a bit crap for taking phone pictures for Facebook profiles though. This was my best duck face but the magnification missed me completely. It was awesome too.

Beware, hotels are now putting in these novelty microphone units in the shower, I was singing away to Tom Jones and Sex Bomb when I decided to do his trademark swing the mic between your legs when it went off. I now know what Apollo thirteen felt like when it launched. It's not very often you get pressure washed there, you have been warned.

I deduced that this was a spy camera skilfully placed at either side of the bed to create those sexy tape things you see on the Interwebspace. I pointed them up to the ceiling before I removed any items of clothing.

The free water tasted off though, I made sure by drinking all four bottles but, yes, it didn't taste like tap water.

I'm glad they included this although I fear it may be inaccurate, we have water at home that is cold so to generalise that water is hot is maybe a little foolish.

That concludes my weekend, a fun day, a strange night, a pair of pants, a van that was too big, a poorly car, a garage bill and finally as I sit typing this, snow, further scuppering our plans for today.

It's been a strange old week, I wonder if I can make it any stranger?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals