Booty Pie

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rock Scissor Balls

You know it's gong to be one of those days when you venture out of the studio for supplies and the first thing you see is this. I have no doubt it does exactly what it says it's more about the implications that bother me. 'Cuts the THICKEST', wow, are we talking width, depth or height? Seriously I want to know at what point toe nail clippers become heavy duty and not garden shears. Anyway, I bought one out of curiosity and tried cutting various things resembling toenails such as plastic sheeting, ceramic tiles and of course the claws of a sabre toothed tiger. Of course I didn't buy one, I'm perfectly happy using the angle grinder on mine, why on earth would I want to ruin their natural beauty. Another thing, why are they called pliers when they cut? I want to trim them not bend them to shape in some funky way.

Anyway, it was a strange day and it all started with my warped Mr Benn moment, where as Mr Benn goes to a fancy dress shop, strips down to his smalls, chooses a costume and leaves through a different door to an adventure mine always seem to start with me stood in a public toilet with a random stranger. You can read into that what you will with your one track minds but mine is purely clean. I use a public toilet for convenience not adventure, although I have had my moments up and down the country. From naked men scrubbing up, banging on walls to Jayne only finding out it was a Welsh man when he asked me what I wanted 'boyo', to realising on one occasion that where I was stood I could see passers by and they could see me.

So imagine my unsurprised feeling when I was answering the call of nature and these three rolled down the trough towards me. Six feet to my right some old guy who decided to have a bit of fun and splash these my way, he didn't have to follow it with a wink though when I glanced his way in disgust. He obviously wanted me to 'knock 'em back', lord knows why the pervert. Anyway he left and I decided to snap this photo to show you how disgusted I was when he came back in and saw me taking this shot, this time he looked disgusted and almost mouthed the word pervert. Really, it was not a good start was it?

And so my day unfolded, the day before I had witnessed, truly witnessed something I had never seen before on the motorway. A car being towed at high speed by a car unsuitable for towing so some bright spark had decided to use a third car to push it along bumper to bumper to help. I digress, back to my day and a nice little tea room that served a fab bacon sandwich in quite unique surroundings, I always like it when you get the sugar served properly and if anybody calls me posh for liking sugar this way I shall ask you to attend my study where my footman will rebuke you severely.

The main reason for the blog though is another toilet, not just any toilet but a massively sumptuous one, bare in mind this was in a tea room, it had reading material, pictures, plates, mirrors and such an assortment of objects that it almost beaconed users to stay for a good twenty minute strain at a time. So just let me know if you ever fancy a posh poo or playing tiddle tennis, I have just the venues for you.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Product Pacement

In a vain effort to raise funds for the blog we are now allowing advertisers to tout their wares however dubious. Here's a few words from our sponsors.

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'Grab my melons, pull my plums!'

Watch as we 'double up' on a apple and get down and dirty with a pretty peach.

TEXT "FRESH FRUIT ACTION" to 01827364 72646FRUITY1 and receive a torrent of fruity talk that will have you zesting at the mouth. WARNING : includes graphic descriptions of unpeeling bananas.

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'Its downright filthy!' - Ann Avid Gardener, Sussex.

Should you wish to advertise on these pages simply send ten pounds and a naked picture of yourself to the usual address, sorry, pictures submitted cannot be returned and may be used for training purposes.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Delightful

Not normally the type of thing I receive through the post but I knew exactly what it was, artwork and sculpture from a new and first time collector Harriette aged ten.

Harriette visited The Acorn Gallery in Pocklington and fell in love with 'Thumpers In Jumpers' my Impossimal version of our very own thumpers Aaran, Jura and Iona. Harriet's spent the weekend talking about it, drawing and making models of Impossimals until she finally asked her Mum and Dad if she could buy it with her own personal savings.

I learnt all this from the gallery who emailed me straight after Harriettes purchase, a delightful heart warming tale and I'm proud to have Harriette's sculpture and artwork in my studio. If you are reading this Harriette 'Love In The Clouds' is fab and your Impossimal sculpture has taken it's place next to Lubba and Lucinda, two of my first Impossimal sculptures from 2005. Enjoy your Thumpers :)

You can read a little more about Harriette's story here

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pea Brain

Brains. We all have them, they are pink and grey and look like bubble gum probably which is why zombies like them, but what do we really know about our brains. Luckily I have condensed all the details into one handy blog entry, 'Brains, do we really need them?'

The brain is an organ, not to be confused with a Hammond Organ although a brain allows you to play a Hammond Organ it's not an organ as in musical. It does like a bit of music too as long as its not a Hammond organ. With me so far? Good, we use our brain to control how you think, remember, feel and to make sure you keep everything in the toilet bowl using the 'aim' mechanism.

Section 'A' shown above controls the thought process when you want a cup of tea, the three layered tissue, called meninges, decides if you should have a biscuit with the tea or if you take sugar. People with blue eyes tend to have sugar whilst green eyed individuals prefer a biscuit. Biscuit preferring people are known in medical terms as Biscuitbrains whilst sugar people are called Sweetbrains, which one are you I wonder? Check your eyes in the mirror to find out. Brown eyed people prefer coffee, any other coloured eyes hint at a deep rooted problem with wine and vodka so be careful.

Take a close look at 'B', this area controls vision so whilst you have just looked at it you have used your 'B'. One interesting thing to note is that you have a zoom control, simply stick your right finger up your left nostril and twist. Clockwise will zoom in anticlockwise will zoom out, press your belly button to disable the ability to look up and down.

'C' helps you to make sense of the world, if for any reason this gets disabled such as a blow to the head from a cushion you will see the real world. Basically it's full of cloud unicorns, wooly pigs, eight foot high rocking horses, purple hills and everyone is naked and called Derek.

'D' controls your hand movements, it's this one that keeps your arm in check from smashing everyone that annoys you in the face, although this can be bypassed again with a glass of wine. To see how uncontrollable it is try this simple experiment and feel your arm raise and about to lash out. Simply stand against a wall and push your arm against it with as much pressure as you can, don't press your body against the wall just your arm. Do this for two minutes, then step away and relax your arms. This fools your brain into thinking you are being annoyed and your arm will magically raise all on its own. Caution, press for any longer than two minutes and your arm will become annoyed with you and will beat you senseless unless you sit on it for two minutes.

Finally 'E', controlling the nose it can distinguish subtle differences in smells such as the minute difference between the smell of a rose and horse manure. To understand how it works lets look at what happens when you smell something unpleasant such as entering a public convenience that has just been vacated by a thirty minute sitter who's failed to flush.

First 'E' registers a pong that it doesn't like, it then informs 'A' that maybe you don't need sugar or a biscuit and changes the command to wanting to wretch instead. 'A' informs 'B' to clean the smell away by causing your eyes to water which also tells 'C' that the smell is not of this world and is considered unholy, 'C' quickly sends a signal to 'D' which raises your hand to your mouth. Unfortunately it fails to inform 'F' the gag reflex and you blow chunks through your fingers.

Simple. Now you understand the intricacies of your brain, try this final experiment. Pull both of your ear lobes and stick out your tongue at the same time, it doesn't do anything to you but it triggers a reaction in other people's brains, try it today at that important meeting or at passing strangers in the street, the results can be quite startling.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

New Season Finds

With Spring just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2013 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Come Whine With Me

Just a couple of things before today's blog to sort out, if any of you are watching this weeks Come Dine With Me in Mansfield I would just like to point out a few inconsistencies just in case you have decided to visit Mansfield and see the worlds largest sundial. It's not there, in fact it's five miles away in Sutton-in-Ashfield, likewise we don't have any casinos so being a croupier would be a tad difficult. Also missing was a typical Mansfield accent mi'duck, mushy peas, cockles, Greggs, t'pit, chips, fights and a Saturday night with sights that will forever remained burned on your retina. In fact it seems they had trouble getting anybody from Mansfield to take part as in the second episode it had sneakily changed to Mansfield and the surrounding areas.

So in the spirit of putting the 'Mansfield' back in I thought I would come up with my own menu and entertainment.

So suspend your disbelief, place your tongue firmly in your cheek and get ready to...

Come Whine With Me

Dress Code - Tracky Bottoms, trainers and bling. Bring yer own fags.

STARTERS

You want a bloody starter? What do you want that for, think your posh or summat? I'll give you a bloody starter, pass me that tin of prawns and that green stuff that rabbits eat. There you go, prawn cocktail, you wouldn't get that bleeder in a restaurant. Eh duck, pass us that lager, I'm parched. Mek us a sarnie whilst your at it.

MAIN

Right you buggers, what do you want for dinner? I've got menus from seven tek-aways, you can ave a chinky, injun or pizza, just keep it under a tenner, I'm not made o'money. None o'that garlic bread either, it stinks the bloody place out. Reet, so that's one chow mein'n'chips, a chicken tikka'n'chips, a bag'o'chips with a pukka pie and a large meat pizza wi' none o'that green stuff on it. It'll tek 'bout twenty minutes if he gets a bob on, just enough for a couple o'pints. Pass us another lager duck, me mouths like Gandhi's flip flop.

Whilst were waitin I got us some entertainment, my friend Mike, he does Elvis on the spoons, tek it away Elvis.

I don't know what 'appened, he's not normally drunk at this time of day, pick 'im up and clear that sick up before grub arrives. Fair put me off has that, pass me a lager. There's some wine in the fridge if any of you poshies want it. No I don't know what bloody grape it is, I got red and white, we don't all live on bloody champagne and caviar you bloody laahdy-dars.

Tek lid off and tuck in, not bad eh? None o'that cooking crap, this is proper grub.

Some time later...

And another thing, none of them know what they are doin, it all went down hill when pits shut, then they shut all o'factories, now all we got is nothin, not even a big sundial. Meks me weep.

DESSERT

Ah got summat really special for puddin', it a Viennetta and a Yorkshire puddin' wi' jam on it. Don't say I don't spoil ya, cost a bomb this did.

Don't you like it? Why aren't you eatin' it? Not good enough for yer is it? Right the lot of yer, sling yer hook, I've had enough, come dine with me, more like come and take the p*ss. Pick a window, yer leavin!

SCORES

7/10 - I've had quite a nice time although I'm still getting glass out of my hair.

9/10 - Top food, great host, please don't hit me again.

2/10 - Food was rubbish, I didn't even get a cheese slice wi' mi' chips and he should 'ave gone for Arctic Roll and none of the foreign crap.

5/10 - Average, although I did like it when Elvis dropped his pants when he stood on the table to show us his 'Hound Dog' impression although it did spoil it a bit when he projectile vomited over us all.

Mansfield, tek it or leave it.

Now that's the program I wanted to see, none of this false rubbish, keep it real, keep it Mansfield!

Where's me mushy peas and cockles gone? Jayne, fetch me a lager, I'm parched.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Straining

It's been four years since I shed four and a half stone in a twelve month period and I'm sat here this morning wondering on just how the hell I have managed to keep it up. Even more remarkable was the fact that during the same twelve month period in 2009 I also gave up television, cinema, films or indeed anything broadcast and stopped reading the news.

I must say looking back it was quite a life changer, for a start as I lost weight I gradually felt fitter, food became a learning process as I analysed what I ate and the effect it had on my body. Bread in most forms for example piled on the carbohydrates and in turn fat whilst naan bread, the healthy choice version available didn't. I found replacements for many items I considered essential, some I found I could do without. I still don't use butter or salt, any oil other than olive oil, and banished red meat from my diet as I found it made me sluggish, which with hindsight was probably a good move. My additional enforced ban on the media changed my mood, no longer was it affected by news events, swayed by emotionally charged program's or dumbed by mindless drivel.

Of course it was not easy, not only did I have to learn a new way of eating but I also had to cope with filling my free time productively. I found myself reading more and setting myself little projects to do, fixing things, learning new skills and becoming gradually more relaxed as I freed myself from part of the real world. Then in 2010 I started to introduce things back in to my life. A little television was allowed only this time I made sure I only watched program's that suited how I felt not program's that changed the way I felt. Food was gradually altered to bring back little items that I missed such as cheese, only this time I made sure that it was all portion controlled and balanced with the rest of my diet.

And I put it all down to this unique slimming device, a humble tea strainer. This small gadget portion controls my daily intake, basically if I want cereal then a level strainer full is about 40-45g, a nice amount to have with frozen fruit and frommage frais. If I fancy rice then again another level strainer full gives me enough rice to stop me being hungry but not too much for it to affect my weight.

This all sounds rather silly and a little bit anal when you pop it down on paper and if somebody said to me all those years ago that I would be using a tea strainer to measure out food every day I would have laughed in their face and gone to the chip shop.

So a really boring blog entry today, a little bit reflective maybe as February is one of the worst months for giving up a new years resolution or dumping your gym membership but if any of you are trying to change your lifestyle stick with it no matter how hard it feels sometimes. You will have bad days and very bad days but gradually you and your body will get used to its new way of life until the bad days are a distant memory.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Aunt Hobby Horse

Aunt Hobby Horse, Britain's only genuine psychic agony aunt and hobby consultant horse. First questions please.

Dear Hobby Horse,

I have developed an unhealthy relationship with fruit. I find myself caressing melons in the supermarket, fondling bananas suggestively at the checkout and generally making a fool of myself with cherries. Now its gotten worse, over the last few days I have been leaving fruit sculptures on my neighbours doorstep, they finally caught me last night when I was about to suggestively place two oranges either side of the biggest banana I have ever seen. What can I do about it?

A Fruity Fondler, Chiswick

My what a lather we are in! Don't worry, you're not alone dear, fruit fetishes are unfortunately quite common, I often get aroused when I touch a strawberry for example and I'm sure many other people will have experienced the sharp thrill from a ripe bunch of grapes. However it can be a problem, may I suggest taking up a hobby and going on a fruit basket arranging course, this will help you with your fetish by providing hands on fruit experience in a controlled environment with other sufferers. It will even have the bonus that when you next leave suggestive fruit sculptures on random doorsteps they will look more attractive. Hang on, my psychic guide has appeared and wants me to tell you something. 'Yes Geronimo, I'll tell them'.

Geronimo my spirit goat guide says 'Use vegetables instead of fruit for your sculpture, a large marrow straddling two King Edward potatoes makes a far more suggestive statement, also buy a pig, you can feed it any leftovers when you have finished with the fruit and veg.' There you are dear, problem solved.

Dear Hobby Horse,

I live in a light house perched on a single rock two miles away from land and time on my own weighs heavy, can you suggest any ideal hobbies to take up and beat the boredom?

On My Lonesome, A Rock, Atlantic.

Well, I do have a few suggestions you may not have tried. How about pig training? Pigs are incredibly intelligent and can be trained to do many things, how about trying to be the first to teach a pig to sing? Or maybe chess is more your thing, in that case teach your new piggy friend Kasparov's opening moves and advanced checkmate gambits. Another idea is drop darts. If you have never heard of drop darts it's a game where you place a dartboard on the floor and drop darts from a height onto the board. Participants must be at least fifty feet up to start and have three darts each, being in a light house height should not be a problem and the run up and down the 276 steps after every three darts will keep you fit and trim. You could even train your pig to play and even send him down to retrieve the darts, although they are intelligent enough to know when you push it and if the mood takes them they can devour a whole body bones and all. Simples.

Dear Hobby Horse,

My house is haunted, last week a strange object in my house started to make a funny ringing noise, when I found it and picked it up the ringing stopped and all I could hear was a voice saying 'Hello?, Hello?' over and over again, but here's the weird thing, there was nobody in the room with me! I'm scared, the voice has moved to a box in the corner of the room that when I press a button it lights up and strange people start talking, if I look closely I can see small ghosts trapped inside the box. What shall I do, I'm at the end of my tether!

May Need Glasses, Hull.

Get out of your house now, it's definitely haunted by poltergeists and evil spirits. I will be round with my spirit goat Geronimo to perform a genuine exorcism on your haunted box. To pass the time take up a hobby like stamp collecting, it's a rewarding hobby and allows you to explore the world through stamps whilst taking your mind off the spirit world. Maybe consider taking in a lodger, a pig lodger, that way you can earn some extra income and pigs are well known to scare away ghosts with their awkward and strange corkscrew tail.

Dear Hobby Horse,

My husband has run off with a miniature pony, I only discovered the affair when I found hay in the bed and my lipstick smelt of horse. He did the same thing years ago with a shire horse but I still took him back even though he had trouble walking. I'm a fool I know and should have suspected earlier when he bought me a saddle and stirrups. Looking back whipping me to the tune of Black Beauty whilst getting me to bang two coconut halves together should have raised my suspicions. He's currently living in 'sin' at a council flat in Cricklewood, I only know this because I saw him at McDonalds with 'her', she was whinnying and flicking her tail like the tart she is and I followed them back home where I saw her draw the curtains with her teeth.

What shall I do? Do I try and win him back? Do I take him back? Please help!

Frustrated Filly, Cricklewood.

Take up fly fishing, it's a rewarding past time and it will allow you to reflect on your position. I have consulted Geronimo about your problem and he offers a bit of advice 'Buy a pig, they are easy to train and make ideal companions.' Pigs, it's the future!

Today's blog has been bought to you by the Pig Marketing Board, Buy Pig, it contains no horse.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

How To Have A Good Sit

Did you know just how important your posture is when sitting down concentrating? Sometimes you may be sat down for a few minutes, other times it may be for hours but having a good sit is all part of our natural day, although as you get older apparently it gets harder to sit and you may need medication to sleep and sit properly.

So what kind of sitter are you? Use this handy identification guide to help.

The Brucie.

Whilst having a good sit you love to think, this is a confident sit, knees bent head held respectably in thought concentrating on sitting properly, a masterclass in correct sitting posture. Didn't you sit well?

Shout If You Want To Go Faster

Shrieks and lots of hand flapping leads to a surprising sit, caught unexpectedly you needed to have a sit very quickly causing panic and the feeling of sitting on a roller coaster, accompanying noises may sound like a flock of pigeons being let out of a basket. This type of sitting normally follows a curry and lager night.

The Bracer.

You expect the worst sitting experience of your life, timing is everything as you need to maximise your sitting position just when you expect the unexpected. Place you hands behind your back and grip onto something you are going to ride that seat like a bucking bronco. Stay on for a full sixty seconds to win.

The Side Saddler

A special sitting position for delicate bottoms, no bracing this time just an elegant sitting position to show status and refinement. Not to be confused with the straddler and the bomb bay door positions, both of which are more suited to gentlemen of a discerning nature.

The Regretter.

Resignation that whichever way you sit it's going to be uncomfortable. Eating nuts, Jacobs crackers and hard boiled eggs can lead to this and should be avoided at all costs. This sitting position has once been described as feeling like broken glass scratching a balloon and is normally accompanied by colourful language as the sitter tries in vain to get comfortable. It's also a noisy sitting position sounding somewhere between a loose hose firing frozen peas into a bucket of water to the sound of king Edwards being dropped into the same bucket from twenty feet up.

The Fifty Shader

Lets be blunt, sitting this way is going to hurt, you have the wrong posture and will need handcuffs to keep you in the sitting position. For experienced sitters only.

The Puzzler.

You have been sitting for hours only to be rewarded with one of the most unsatisfactory sits since you first started sitting. Also known as the Houdini you will be wondering why you waster so much time trying to have a good sit in the first place.

The Cabaret.

All singing all dancing sitting position. Life is a cabaret old son, sit back, jiggle your arms and legs to stop them from going to sleep, jazz hand your way through a great sit. This sitting position has the bonus of being hugely entertaining to watch too, take a bowler hat into your favourite sitting place to enhance the whole experience.

What sitter are you?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Listen With Mother

Settle down children it's time for your afternoon nap and listen to a few delightful nursery rhymes...

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great ball,

All the kings horses and all the kings men,

Started to call him Odd Ball again.

 

Mary had a little lamb,

She also had some pies,

What was in them was probably horse,

And the packaging was lies.

 

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!

Bugger me, a talking sheep!

 

Hickory dickory dock,

The mouse ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

The others got away with minor injuries.

 

Old Mother Hubbard,

Went to the cupboard,

To get her poor doggie a bone,

When she got there,

The cupboard was bare,

So the poor little doggie had and absolute fit and in a piqué of anger devoured Old Mother Hubbard.

 

Mary Mary quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells and cockle shells,

It's a right mess, seaside in a garden? I don't think so.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

So That's How To Do It

How To Talk To A Dog

Dogs use a complex system of communication called a Bi-frequency Arrhythmic Relay Keytone to talk, you will need to learn this too. We will shorten it to BARK for easier reading but basically you need to BARK like your dog. It's not hard to learn and you can start out your training even if you don't have a dog, simply BARK at anything that moves until you learn the correct BARK frequency that startles individuals. You can add the more complex Grrrrs a little later, use the handy chart below to understand what you are BARK'ing.

No. of BARKS - Meaning

1 - Hi, great to meet you, may I sniff your butt.

2 - Oi, look at me, I don't know why but look at me.

3 - What are you doing? Are you mental? That jacket doesn't go with those shoes.

4 - Annoying, talk to the paw not the face.

5 - What time is tea because I'm starving and the cat looks very tasty from here.

6 - Does this dog meat contain horse because I'm seriously concerned its not sourced ethically and I like to know the origin of my meat products, please check.

7 - Ha,ha,ha!

8 - WARNING! if you BARK eight times at any dog it activates their internal shutdown mechanism and will completely disable your dog until you replace the batteries, this is one event not covered by your warranty. Twirling the tail whilst in this state will occasionally activate the clockwork mechanism and restart the battery but it has also been known to activate the angry software code with disastrous results.

How To Walk

A difficult one this but I'll aim to demystify walking, basically you place one leg in front of the other and repeat. Make sure you alternate between different legs otherwise you will be dragging yourself instead of walking. For those of you not sure what legs are they are the long bits at the bottom of your body that you put shoes on. If you find that you try to follow these walking instructions and you have difficulties keeping your balance, slurring your words and experience double vision then you are drunk and need to refer to How To Control Crazy Legs our How To guide on drunken walking.

How To Control Crazy Legs

Don't, simply sit back down and have a drink.

How To Break Wind In Public

You know the feeling, you are on a bus or in a packed room and suddenly you feel the urge to trumpet, have no fear, the first thing to establish is your position.

If you are sitting and feel the urge then its one of the easiest to get away with, first relax your buttock cheeks, I mean really relax them so you lower yourself at least an inch. It's like changing from a crack in a door that the wind whistles through to throwing it open so a hurricane can come in. Bigger is better. When you believe that you have achieved a suitable tunnel then you can safely trumpet but lean forward at the same time to allow it to escape from the back and not either side. If you are sat on a leather chair then follow the same procedure but half way through bounce up and down a little to avoid the leather squeaking.

If you are standing then you need to find the nearest wall quickly. Place your back against the wall an using your hips pin your buttocks safely to the brickwork. Raise one leg a couple of inches off the ground, now you are ready. Start by letting out a little bit of trumpet to test for acoustics, if it is still too loud then slightly squat and reduce the pressure your hips are giving your buttocks. When the tone is barely distinguishable raise one hand to your mouth and do one hard cough, this should be enough to dispel any air safely and agreeably. Once done simply walk back to where you were and carry on with whatever you were doing.

Depending where you are you may also need to vary the tone according to surroundings, if you are on a building site you don't want a high pitched tootle whilst Vicars may not need the sound of Thor's hammer hitting a tub of blamange when conducting a wedding. So there is one simple thing to remember, tighter to tootle, slacker to border disaster.

How To Cope With An Unexpected Trumpet

Don't like my grandad ever think that because you are seemingly in the middle of nowhere you can let rip with a trumpet heralding Armageddon and sounding like the crack of doom has just opened. He made this mistake not realising this until a nearby garage door opened and two men looked out and said 'Bet you were glad to get rid of that!', one of them had a nose bleed but my grandad always dismissed that as purely coincidental. What is true was that very same week the local paper reported a series of mysterious thunderous noises that produced loud rapports sounding like a thousand trifles being dropped simultaneously and the entire district took on a sharp smell of sulphur, it was attributed to a mini earthquake but I still have my doubts.

Anyway if you fear that your next trumpet will be Krakatoa's final hours I really don't have any advice for you other than make a makeshift muffler out of a small child, alternatively you could of course turn it into some kind of street theatre. Simply announce that you are going to recreate the final lift off of Saturn V from its base in Cape Canaveral, provide a thrilling countdown and squat. On reaching zero let everything fly whilst jumping up in the air, the extra 'thrust' will help you attain extra height, a technique used by professional high jumpers. Attend to any injures sustained from your air bomb and hand out tissues for bleeding noses, witnesses may be temporarily blinded and sore throats can last 48 hours after the event.

What Not To Do After A Trumpet

Do not be childish,never announce a trumpet as a 'Call To Arms' or describe it as an After Dinner Mint. Acceptable words to use are more polite, 'I'm sorry about my belching clown' for example, even 'Oh, that? It was probably just a fly breaking the sound barrier' either are suitable. Trumpets are just the ghosts of your meals and should be treated with respect. I once knew a gentleman that decided to hold all his trumpets in and never embarrass himself in public, by the sixth day he had swollen to double his size, they had to untie his belly button to let out the gas, it took three weeks for him to expel all the air and his skin never fitted him again. In fact every time after that when he trumpeted it just filled the areas in his now flapping skin back up and he had to install a flap at the back of his neck to act as a flue system to help.

Thats it for today, I hope you have learned many useful things, So That's How To Do It will return, in the next instalment how to horse shoe a cat and the correct way to use chimp scissors.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Familiar

 

'Having a party?', probably the most un-amusing and 'wow, that's not funny.' comment that I get when buying a few bottles of wine in my local supermarket. What is it with people and the need to interject a little interaction into your life when you least require it. I now just turn around and carefully look at the contents of their conveyor belt and say 'No, with all that food are you?'. Admittedly you have to dodge a few punches now and again but hey, you started it.

Anyway, sigh, we had it again yesterday, only this time at the front door. Jayne's car was being picked up for a service, a quite simple procedure. As Jayne handed the keys over our car collector said 'I hate garlic'.

'Pardon?' said Jayne.

'I really hate garlic, I have hated it since I was small and I was forced fed garlic bread'

At this point I hasten to add Jayne just stood there in disbelief, I was sat at my desk just around the corner so could listen undetected.

'Right, so my car will be back when?' Jayne continued.

'You really smell of garlic, do you eat garlic?'

I was stifling a snigger, here we have stranger about to take our car for a service stood on our doorstep telling Jayne she smells.

He hurried on with the insults 'Garlic turns my stomach, do you always use garlic because its horrible, I never touch it, it stinks.'

I peeped around the corner to see Jayne's face, it was on the edge of Tourette's, a second longer and I think his ears would have bled from the swearathon tirade that was building up inside her. Stepping out from around the corner broke the garlic spell and as if nothing had been said at all he turned to me and said 'it'll be ready around 4pm' and with that he was gone.

'What the hell was that all about, do I smell?' exclaimed Jayne.

See what I mean, people say the weirdest things at the most inappropriate moment. It gets worse and this one has happened twice to us because the delivery driver forgot he had tried this ploy before. Picture the scene, a delivery driver turns up and knocks on our door, Jayne answers and just as she is about to sign for the parcel the delivery mans phone rings. I say ring, what it actually does is bays like a donkey then screams out three times 'I have a big dick', he then laughs and says 'I have you know' with a glint in his eye.

Stop the world I want to get off. Seriously, what is wrong with people, it's like the bit in your brain that says 'hang on, let me run that by you again it may be inappropriate' has changed to 'wow, that's a really good thing to do, do it now before you forget'.

It can get a little more disturbing than this though, recently we have witnessed two incidents that quite frankly are unbelievable that it was considered acceptable to do. The first involved a yoof, I only call him a yoof because that is what he looked like, a 18 year old yoof. He was walking along the pavement bouncing a football, approaching him was a middle aged man on a push bike. As the cyclist drew level with him our yoof picked up the ball and using both hands thrust it inches from his face with such speed that the cyclist fell off into the road. Our yoof laughed and walked away waving goodbye with two fingers like he had just performed the greatest gag in the world. Not once did it enter his mind that it was dangerous, that the cyclist could be seriously injured as he fell towards moving vehicles or quite simply that you just don't do it.

The second involved a small car driven by a middle aged lady. She was being followed by two quad bikes, both riders wearing full masks and partially obscured licence plates, we were following them. As we travelled along the quad bikers decided to do a bit of bullying and they started to harass the driver in front, firstly by getting as close as possible then overtaking and weaving around in front of her causing her to keep braking sharply. From our viewpoint she was getting visibly distressed but carried on driving. One of the quad bikers then dropped back only to overtake her on the inside performing a two wheel stunt, he finished this by returning to four wheels and pacing the car level with the drivers window. Slowly he held out his left hand and formed a gun using his fingers, pretending to click it a few times in intimidation he blew away pretend smoke and sped off. The lady swerved and pulled in sharply. Not nice.

Slowly the lines of acceptable behaviour are being erased and replaced, the only thing is in today's society nobody really knows what to replace it with.

I for one are just about to go out and shout at a few people, maybe I will kick or punch a couple for a laugh but if I really want to have fun I'll go out and find that yoof and the quad bikers and string them up by their testicles, tell that delivery driver that his cheap method to get a bonk is pathetic and find our car collector so I can fill his car heater with garlic.

I'm off for a drink, and no, I'm not having a party.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Skyfail

If you haven't seen the latest Bond move Skyfall then it's probably best not to carry on reading this blog, I'm about to spoil it for you.

If you are still reading then welcome to Skyfail, a blog entry about disappointment which seems to have eluded all the film reviews out there regarding the latest Bond adventure.

I grew up watching James Bond films, from the suave sophisticated Connery to the silly but still amusing Moore years over to the blatant gadget filled polished turds that was the Brosnan years, they all to some degree, entertained. Then in stepped Daniel Craig and Casino Royal.

Wow, what a film, containing all the elegance of Bond, the style, sophistication, exotic locations, fast cars, evil criminals and tight script to produce the best Bond film so far, Bond was back. Yay!

I chose not to watch Skyfall at the cinema, instead I waited for it to be released on Bluray so I could watch it in the comfort of my home away from popcorn munchers, cramped seats and neighbours prodding each other saying 'watch this bit, it's good'. It took a lot to avoid reading the reviews beforehand, although the hype had portrayed the film as the best in the fifty years of Bond, I resisted and didn't even bother reading about the plot, if it was the best I wanted to enjoy it all to my self so I got comfy and pressed play.

Oh, is that it? Skyfall is a ram shackled house in Scotland in which an adult version of Home Alone is played out? Really? You have a homoerotic baddie with a Boris Johnson hair problem that decides to hit back by electronically switching on all the gas taps at MI6 to cause an explosion, yay, way to go. Whilst your at it why not fart about on a crap deserted island with your electronic equipment in a attempt to 'get caught' so you can be imprisoned Magneto style in a plastic cube without a toilet that you escape from without explanation apart from the fact it may have had electronic locks and your a computer expert etc, etc, etc.

Really I should have guessed the pace of the film from the start. A fight on a train led to a bulldozer being used to deflect bullets and rip the train apart. Strange then that even though the back of the train is being ripped to shreds, oodles of bullets are being fired and a gaping hole appears behind their seats the passengers remain remarkably calm and surprised when Bond pops in through the demolished carriage. Me, I'd be running with full pants pushing women and children out of the way at the first sign of a mechanical digger ripping the arse off my train carriage. Then again, you need to suspend a little belief when watching a Bond film.

Anyway, that's just a mild irritant and all part of the Bond experience, what I really find annoying is two plot related things, actually it's many things but these two leap out at the moment. Firstly Bond gets shot at the start and we never find out what happens in between him getting shot and him appearing pissed as a fart in a bar apart from a vague opening sequence, secondly Bond was after a hard drive that contained the list of undercover MI6 agents. At the end of the film what happened to it? Is it still out there? Was it running Windows 8? Did it get reformatted and sold on eBay? Thirdly and I know I said two, don't employ a grounds keeper that is liable to show your exact position to any baddies in the area by waving a flashlight around, don't you ever learn Bond?

If you haven't seen the film I can probably sum the plot up in one short, longish sentence. Bond and everybody at MI6 gets old, an excuse is needed to change most of the cast, throw in a few old Bond references and a disgruntled ex-employee who wants to kill M, have a gas explosion that leaves British Gas puzzled and lure said employee to a location a la Crocodile Dundee 2 style where you have taken M for security so you can have an adult version of Home Alone minus the swinging paint cans only to see her die and thus make the whole film pointless as that was the basis of the main baddies intention, to kill M.

As a film and if you watch it with a sense of fun it's not bad, it's not the best but it will keep you entertained for a couple of hours. Cinematically it has some beautiful shots, the storyline however leaves a lot to be desired. The non fight in the Komodo dragon pit was laughable and only shoehorned in so the only new gadget in the film, a gun that can only be fired by Bond, fails to get fired just like it was suggested. Also the Komodo dragon kinda sucked.

Its a Bond film, for me a beautifully shot disappointment, a little more care and attention next time please?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Can't Touch Tips - MC Stanner

It's Monday so it must be the return of Top Tip Tapir, get through the day with these life changing ideas.

If you have trouble waking up in a morning take short naps at work when nobody is looking, that way you will feel bright and refreshed when you get home and will be able to stay on Facebook until the early hours of the morning. Repeat as necessary.

Shave a coconut and stick the coconut hairs to Sellotape, voila, an instant wig for bald cats at half the price.

Instead of watching the news channel in a morning simply read the obituaries in your local paper, it's far less depressing.

Blend lard, milk and food colouring for an amusing thick shake just like the fast food restaurants do it. As it contains calcium it's healthy too!

Hang on, what's this I have found?

Stop the Top Tip Tapir this is far more interesting, I didn't even know things like this existed!

Wow, a professional government Top Tip leaflet, must have some sound advice to offer.

Lets have a look, Short Duration Work, max 30mins. Not long is it and as it doesn't tell you how long to wait in between using a ladder theoretically you only get thirty minutes your whole lifetime. That's safety gone mad if you ask me. Start saving your ladder minutes up you never know when you will need them. Firemen must have an awful time, 'I'm sorry Miss I can't rescue your cat from the tree I only have two minutes ladder usage left and I was saving that for a real emergency'

Light Work up to 10k. But I'm heavier than that does that mean I can't use a ladder or do I have to send up a small child instead? It's like Victorian child chimney sweeps all over again, you will be telling me next to send all under fives t'pit to sort through t'muck.

Ladder angle 75 degrees, 1 unit out for every 4 up. I didn't know ladders we so technical, no wonder I have been falling off them so much, from now on I will stop placing them flat with the wall I'm climbing up and thus avoid landing on my back still gripping the ladder again. Well I never.

Always grip the ladder when climbing. Ah, I see now, so none of my precarious balancing I do, does that also mean I can wear better footwear instead of the ballerina slippers I normally use for grip? Additionally do I still need my tightrope balancing pole now I can use my hand as it currently restricts the number of bricks I can carry in my hod.

Make sure your belt buckle (navel) stay within the stiles and keep both feet on the same rung during the task. I tried this, firstly my first task to climb the ladders failed as I placed both feet on the first rung and realised I would have to break this rule to continue. When I did break the rule I spent most of my time checking my navel was kept in line and failed to stop at the top after looking for an arrangement of steps that allow people but not animals over a fence. I was found in a twisted heap two hours later, I never did find the stile.

Do not work off the top three rungs, this provides a handhold. We have a foot stool that has three rungs, does that mean I cannot use it any more? If so that means I will never be able to reach the soup tins in my kitchen or change a lightbulb ever again. I was going to use a chair instead but after reading your guide 'Top Tips For Correct Chair Usage' It informed me to use a ladder instead of a chair for reaching high places. I'm confused, you do not have guidelines restricting sitting on a foot stool, what's going on?

Whilst we are at it what is your stance on staircases? I'm worried than I'm positioning my navel wrong and gripping the handrail unnecessary when ascending whilst descending has become more difficult as I get older because nobody has informed me not to come down on my bottom as I have done since a child.

Please send me more guidance, I would particularly like to see guidelines on 'Common Sense - Where Has It Gone?', 'Its All About Me - Achieve Happy Selfishness' and one I have really been waiting for 'Sod It, Last One Out Turn Off The Light - A Guide To Modern Britain'.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals