You Have Mail

You may remember a blog entry from a month or so ago about a series of adverts placed in comics during the 70's and 80's offering all manner of fun through the unusual mail order items delivered directly to your door. I used to be fascinated by them and although I never sent off for any I did have a fondness for their descriptive text and simple line drawn graphics, it really did leave a barb in a child's imagination. Who could resist foaming sugar, monster neck bolts, revolting rubber feet and of course the daddy of them all the swoon inducing X-Ray goggles.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending on which end you look at it from I was within walking distance of a great joke shop that sold most of these items so I did get to see a lot of them for what they were. It didn't stop me buying them of course, I was a kid, what else was I going to do with 10p other than buy a tube of North Pole Freezing Liquid; put some of this on a seat and they won't sit there for long! So I ended up with many a gag but still the adverts intrigued me as half of the items defied explanation, especially for the price. Just how do you get a Go-Go Skeleton that glows in the dark, that dances to music and moves to your command for only 65p? Or even better a millionaires wallet complete with bank notes, driving and flying license, wine club, yacht club and business cards all for the pittance that is 40p?

These adverts seduced me into thinking that for a few weeks of pocket money I could upgrade my life with these enhancing products, it was powerful stuff, the claims were unbelievable but there was always the question, was it too good to be true?

So this week to my utter delight I got to find out all those dirty secrets behind the childhood adverts when I accidentally stumbled upon this book, Mail-Order Mysteries by Kirk Demarais. I don't know how I found it, but as soon as I was aware of its existence I had to have it.

So today I sat and read the whole thing through twice, learning all the secrets behind many of the products. Some, like the X-Ray Specs I had already discovered after dissecting my own pair only to find its all done with real feathers, still, it was nice to see it was the opener for the book and not only described the product but also the childhood expectations and the more often than not below average reality when it arrived.

A glorious book if you are into this kind of thing and I was even more pleased when I found the entry for one particular product that I only remembered from an old BBC television show called 'Thats Life' with Esther Rantzen. They included a letter from a disgruntled buyer of the seven foot life sized ghost, essentially a balloon, a white trash bag and a plastic collar to hold it all together, controlled using a fishing line. The last I saw of this item the 'That's Life' team had purchased the ghost and made it float eerily through some ruins, cementing this little item in my memory until I was unsure, as with most things at my age, that I even remembered it correctly at all.

A delightful book of insights that I would recommend, even if it is just for the chance to see the reality of ordering a pack of seven, four foot gigantic dinosaurs.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

I See All

Welcome to the studio, after the shocking announcement of Teddypocalypse earlier this week we thought we would ask world renowned psychic Colin Future and his tortoise spirit guide Tom for a glimpse into the future and possibly find out what really happened to the 5p I lost down the sofa and of course will we all still be here in 2013.

'Hi Colin, so do you have any news for us?'

'They know you know.'

'Err, who knows what Colin?'

'THEY KNOW.'

'Ok, they know, what do they know Colin?'

'Everything'

'Bloody great, I ask a 'psychic' on the blog for the first time and I get one that's full of crystal balls, I knew you were going to be trouble.'

'I knew you were going to say that.'

'No, you didn't.'

'They told me, they know everything'

'Oh god, this is going to be painful isn't it? Do you do anything other than swan around in that awful dressing gown with a tea towel on your head? I thought you could read the future?'

'I can and I knew you were going to say that too, they know EVERYTHING.'

'Right you, out! I won't have you cluttering up my studio with all this dribble unless you start coming up with something right now!'

'OK, keep you hair on, let me just get into my channeling position and contact my spirit guide, Tom, a time travelling tortoise that once fought at the battle of Hastings, in fact King Harold only got hit by an arrow because he had ignored advice from Tom. Tom said 'duck' but Harold who was hard of hearing thought he said 'look' and as he peered into the sky, wham, a arrow hit him.'

'Really?'

'Oh, yes, and there's more. The October Revolution in Russia, it was led by Tom, Lenin came along for a ride after a drunken bet when Lenin turned to Tom and said, 'You know, things are a bit slow around here, lets start a pub crawl'. Pretty soon Tom had gathered boozers from every drinking den in Petrograd before things got out of hand and started a revolution. He left Lenin nursing a massive hangover and a idol of tens of thousands of new drinking buddies after what was called at the time 'an awesomski party'

'You're just making this up!'

'No I'm not, do you want proof? I have got proof!'

'Show me then.'

'I have left it at home.'

'Left what at home?'

'The photo of Tom on the moon.'

'Wha! You really expect me to believe that?'

'It's all true, Tom was there when Buzz Lightyear stepped off the Apollo Tie Fighter on the moon and made history with the words a 'one small step for man one gigantic leap for mans best friend.' He was talking to Tom.'

'No he wasn't, first it was Neil Armstrong and secondly it was 'for mankind' not man's best friend.'

'Static, it was radio static that made it sound like that, Tom told me.'

'For god sake, are you for real? You really expect me to believe all this? Tom is a figment of your imagination, Tom does not exist. Period.'

'Do you want to see Tom?'

'Your kidding aren't you? Tom cannot exist, a time travelling tortoise my bottom'

'Do you want to see Tom? He knows everything.'

'Alright, alright, if I must, show me Tom so I can ask him what he was doing during the great fire of London, or maybe I could ask him just what the hell he was doing messing around with the Egyptians all those years ago when he helped build the pyramids all by himself. Jeese!

'You need to be quiet whilst I fetch Tom'

'Ok,ok, anything to stop this, just show me Tom and go away.'

'Here's Tom!'

'That's not Tom.'

'Yes it is, look, he's enshrined in the clothing of Gre, Tom is over a million years old thats why he is wrinkly.'

'That's not Tom.'

'Yes it is, speak Tom, speak! Mmmm, this... is... Tom speaking... I predict you are wearing socks.'

'Right, that's it, out you go with your stupid ventriloquist act performed on a Cornish pasty from Greggs, it's not the clothing of Gre, it's the wrapper of Greggs, now get out!'

'Noooo! Tom! Tom! What's happened to you! You have kidnapped him! Kidnapper!!!!'

We have to leave the studio there as Colin Future has been escorted from the building clutching a half eaten pasty. So there we have it folks, time travelling tortoise indeed, what a load of hokum. This has been a special report from the Marquis of Gandola, the only talking time travelling turtle in existence and debunker of all things tortoise.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Mend And Make Do

The studio has been a hive of activity for the last four days after being turned into a small modelling studio for the construction of some of the most detailed Impossimals so far. Over five hundred items have been created to populate six new paintings and include snooker cues, sandwiches, star fish and even hookah pipes. It's taken such a long time that I almost forgot the blog today and you was going to get an off the wall look at gadgets instead you get me sat in front of the fire furiously typing this so I can get back and finish off a trombone so to speak.

Some of you may have seen part of a bigger piece yesterday when I posted a teasmaid on Facebook, I'll try and post a few more later this week as I take the final photographs in the studio.

So a bit of a short entry today after yesterday's Play School madness, normal service will resume just as soon as I finish this particularly tricky plasticine snorkelling snail...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Millions Will Die

The end of the world is nigh, according to expert historian Norman Nutter in his new book 'Teddypocalypse - The Day We Get Stuffed' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office). Teddy bears and other stuffed toys will rise up and destroy mankind in what has been dubbed by experts as T-Day, the 21st of December 2012.

This special date is the end-date of a 5,125 year long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and coincides with the Christmas light switch on in Nob End, South Lancashire, a terrifying coincidence which will trigger satellites to transmit a 'switch on' signal to all stuffed entities. A signal that according to Norman was planted in all satellites by a disgruntled toy maker turned scientist during experiments in the 1960's into capoc and stuffing DNA which resulted in the untimely death of seven scientists when a cushion suddenly exploded after leaping up and singing 'My Way'.

TOSSER

Norman explains that when the clock strikes 3:30pm the signal will be broadcast worldwide and urges the public to barricade themselves in a safe place and get ready to fight the stuffed hordes. Cushions, teddy bears and even Hello Kitties should be placed outside and away from weapons such as water pistols and foam hammers. Norman further compares it to a zombie apocalypse as injured soft toys have the ability to reanimate unless their tags have been removed.

RAMPANT

Following six years of research Norman also reveals that during one experiment Little Ted and Humpty caused extensive damage to a secret facility after being reanimated and had to be sedated with injections of T-24X, a drug that allowed them to be handled without injury. Unable to deactivate them both they remained under sedation they formed part of the Play School project, a secretive underground white room with three windows. Professor Brian Cant, lead scientist Toni Arthur and head of the activation unit Floella Benjamin interacted with Little Ted and Humpty whilst fellow scientists watched, unfortunately in 1964 a technical problem occurred and the live video feed was aired on terrestrial television forcing the BBC to add the recently reanimated Hamble and Big Ted to the project as a cover up operation after realising that too many people had seen it. The live feed to Play School was eventually turned off in 1988 after it was also revealed that Jackanory, a popular story telling program was in fact a sedation channel for the toy asylum in Cricklewood.

STREETS OF STUFFING

Local governments are preparing defences and are urging members of the public to avoid adding any more soft furnishings or toys to their household. Early reports have warned that one satellite may have misfired the trigger over Hull due to the millennium bug and have advised the public to avoid the area after one witness reported seeing a ten foot Huffenpluff throwing a Teletubby from the roof of Greggs and a multi cushion pile up in the city centre.

PIFFLE PAFFLE

An expert at Cambridge University told us 'What a load of rubbish! Everyone knows that it's going to be cats that are activated and they will all reveal they have thumbs. Their demigod Grumpy Cat appeared on earth earlier this year, a sure sign of impending doom, Catpocalypse is on the cards I tell you!', professor Ivor Twangle is the author of ' Catpocalypse - Hello Kitty, No Kitty, Argh Kitty!' (£4.95 from Urmston Post Office)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Fonz

'Happy Days' started life as a very rough sketch sometime during the Summer months. As with all the latest Impossimals it began with a oil sketch to make sure the poses, colours and general composition worked. I primed the board with a nice pink as the background was going to be quite plain so as not to detract from the image.

It took a bit of playing around but eventually I was happy with the result. It looks simple in concept but to get it to this stage required nineteen different colours to give it increased complexity.

You can see I chart the colour usage as I move along, this allows me to gradually balance the palette and helps when I work on the main oil painting.

Using my oil sketch as a guide I transfer the image to a larger board for the final piece adjusting the pose as necessary which in this case meant dropping the ears slightly and resizing the eyes.

Normally I would concentrate on the background but as its one colour I went straight ahead and painted in the Impossimal base colour and the props.

Once dry in went the all important stripe colours along with a base coat of white to define the eyes.

Once the eyes to in the whole piece starts to come alive. The stripes have only had two layers added at this stage and need a lot more work to bring out the colours.

The background goes in and the whole thing is allowed to dry for a few days before it returns to the studio for a week of glazing.

By the end the colours have been lifted, the background darkened and little blobs of light added to the lolly and eyes finally completing 'Happy Days', a recreation of a perfect Summer with someone special in your life.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Problem Pump

I don't venture out of the studio much but when I do I like everything to be full of hassle and orchestrated to give maximum annoyance such as my trip into town last week. At least that's what it feels like every time I poke my head out into the world so forgive me today's blog as I tell you the tale of the problem pump, an epic time wasting adventure at my local supermarket forecourt that I was given the star role in.

As I pulled into the forecourt I went into the typical, which pump do I go to? Will that old lady filling up her Nissan Midget Gem be quicker than the bloke with the 4x4 Rampant Stallion With Small Trouser Department? Will the lady with the look at me convertible use pay at the pump and be quicker than family guy with a poor taste in car colour? (it was lime green with pink furry dice) You have probably done the same, my issue though was compounded with the placement of road cones in front of four of them rendering them out of order.

Eventually I opted for a space behind one car that seemed close to finishing and they looked with it enough to pay quite quickly. I don't really know what happened then, but ten long minutes later the guy I was behind stumbled out of the shop after paying for his petrol and buying up the entire stock of Ginsters. Seriously, I have never seen anyone buy more than one of those things at a time, this guy had armfuls. Maybe he was having a Ginster party or something either way it wasn't going to be fun judging by the ten cans of Red Bull sticking out from a carrier bag and the large bag of M&M's. Hey, I'm having a party, do you want to come? It's an all you can eat Ginster buffet and we can get ripped on Red Bull whilst popping M&M's like a gangsta? You up for that bro?

No. Never. Ever.

Anyway, he tootled away to his Ginster party and possibly a prolapsed colon and I pulled up at the pump and marvelled at how much petrol he had put in. £98.23, don't ask me how, why or where he stuck all this petrol, he was only driving a small car, all I can think is he drank it to get rid of the taste of Ginsters. I clicked Pay at Pump and inserted my card, popped in my four digit code, and whilst we are on this track here's a thing you can try at supermarket checkouts if you want to freak people out. Wait until the person in front types their four digit code then immediately say, "Hey, you have exactly the same four digit code that I have on my card!", gets them every time.

Picking up the nozzle I stuck it in and pressed the button. The pump sighed. No, I mean really sighed like it was in a huff or something then did nothing. Zip, zilch, nothing came out of the nozzle but get this, it remembered the number £98.23 and decided to add my pumped air to the total and I watched in amazement as it increased rapidly over £100. Wha! No! I pulled it out quickly and stood looking in disbelief as air shot out of the end and it continued to add £££ even though I had released the trigger. This one armed bandit was charging me for a blow dry whilst I had visions of spiralling into debt with a petrol pump bill that would require me to take out a hefty sum from a loan shark which I would then default on and he would come round and break my legs as compensation.

With my best "Why me?" look I tried to attract the attention of the petrol attendant by waving my wind blowing pump but they were too busy selling more Ginsters whilst other motorists started to edge away worried that I was a maniac and I was going to suddenly whip out a box of matches to start a small bush fire on the forecourt. I suppose I did look a bit odd, but hey, I was being charged for a petrol pump that had ambitions to become a hairdryer. Fearing the worst I placed the pump back, with a triumphant sigh the pump stopped pumping and it nicely decided to charge over £150 to my card then inform me that there was no till roll to print out a receipt as proof.

You see, my days sometime resemble a sketch show and other times an episode of the Twilight Zone, today was both. You would not imagine the problems I had in explaining all this to an assistant who obviously cared enough to not give a toss and decided that his nails needed a bit of a clean with the pen whilst I pleaded to get the £150 quid back with an apparently stupid story that the pump had blown air at me and possibly spoke too. So far it had taken me thirty long minutes.

Three explanations later and two trips out to the pump the whole thing was reset and I found myself again inserting my credit card assured by the nail cleaner that it was indeed fine to go ahead as there was nothing wrong in the slightest with the pump and maybe in some way I had antagonised it into blowing air. So imagine how surprised I was when it just farted air and charged £22 to my card again. I almost lost it enough to go inside and overturn the Ginster fridge. If they were watching the CCTV they would have seen me mouth 'For flips sake' (use your imagination) and then do a little dance as I wrestled with the pump like I was fighting an anaconda.

Obviously, explaining the problem for a second time proved even more difficult as by now I was filed under asshole who can't use a pump and probably shouldn't be driving or indeed allowed out alone. This time I was escorted out to the pump by the manager who showed me how to use the newly reset pump like I was a child of five. He even unscrewed the cap on my car to make sure I was humiliated to the max.

In went my card, I picked up the pump and pressed the trigger. Nothing happened. 'Yippee!' I looked at my new patronising friend and grinned. 'See!' I said triumphantly but his face never altered, he just reached over and took the pump from my hand, pressed the trigger and out oozed petrol. 'See?' He said with a look that would have withered flowers, 'There is nothing wrong with it'

Wha! The bloody motherflipper! how on earth can a petrol pump be so cruel, apart from the price of petrol that is. Forty minutes to put thirty pounds of petrol in and now I'm branded a bit of a nutter that wrestles petrol pumps, pretends that they are hairdryers and refuse to buy Ginsters. My CCTV footage has probably been flashed around the country banning me from forecourts everywhere.

So as compensation I'm sat with my new friend eating a selection from the Ginster buffet, slamming down Red Bull and getting high on M&M's. I wonder if he has invited anyone else?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Blog That Was Not Blogged

After the weekends antics I was going to write an amusing article on the use of helium balloons as makeshift ghosts, was being the operative word, for one day later after bringing these beauties back from the appearance in Solihull they seem to have gone rather flat and prefer rolling around rather than bobbing. A bit of a disappointment really, I had even fashioned some kitchen roll as a neck ruff and cut strips out of another for the body. It was going to be controlled using a thin line of thread and it was supposed to haunt Bunnyopolis by flying in and out the door so I could 'capture' it on the Bunnycam.

The failure if the balloons also out paid to another piece of tomfoolery that I was going to do and that was releasing a balloon into the wild with a email address attached. The finder had to answer the question by emailing the answer and if they were correct they would have won a prize. Looks like I will have to shelve both ideas until I get a balloon that can last more than a day. So I'm a bit disappointed, instead you get a boring blog entry about a blog entry that never was.

On a lighter note we did have the unveiling of a new original at the weekend. 'Happy Days' was so new it hadn't even been framed for the event and had to be rushed out because all the originals earmarked for the day had been snapped up. Nice to see it again.

This week I will be hard at work building sets again using a variety of cardboard components and lots and lots of plasticine, painting several new pieces and putting the finishing touches to a few other paintings. A busy week planned that ends at the weekend with two Foreverbunny events with Jayne leading us nicely into December and the run down to the day a big jolly fat bloke wearing a costume bursts into your bedroom and empties his sack into your stocking. Nice.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Super Solihull

The second Christmas With The Impossimals was held at Castle Galleries in Solihull, we arrived to a great window display, banners and balloons festooning the entrance to the gallery.

Inside everything looked fab with Impossimals old and new adorning the walls and of course a few surprise originals after the ones allocated for the show were sold before the event started.

So, glasses at the ready the event began, this time with a different start to normal, an Impossimal cake!

Baked by collector Cathy pictured above the cake was a fantastic gift and a great addition to what was to be a great day at the gallery and indeed a great little set of events leading up to Christmas.

It quickly filled up as collector after collector came through the door until around 2pm when it started to get really full.

This was the last photo we managed to snap before it got so busy that we spent the rest of the appearance chatting away with collectors. I lost count of the amount of dedications we managed to sign over the event but one special one I do remember was this...

A joint dedication with Elliott, a young fan who always brings me a picture to keep when I visit Solihull. This time he joined me and added his own special Christmas tree to the back and I added several Impossimals before we both signed it, this is exactly what these events are all about, smiling, a great deal of fun and a great chance for us to try and give something back to all the collectors that have supported us over the years. We managed to leave the gallery two hours later than the official finishing time, exhausted but very happy indeed.

So all that remains is to say a big thank you to the incredible team at Castle Galleries, Solihull for a great day and another big thank you to all the collectors that came along to the event. Next it's the turn of Evergreen Art Cafe in Daventry on the 8th of December to receive the Christmas With The Impossimals event along with a selection of unseen originals and a very special prize giving ceremony for the winners of the recent design an Impossimal Christmas Card in conjunction with the gallery and Waitrose. It should be another great day and as usual you are all welcome to come along and join in the fun :)

All that remains is a goodbye from me and a goodbye from him. Nom, nom, nom!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

And Back Again

I'll update the blog after I have recovered from the latest packed Christmas With This Impossimals event, until then here's a nice picture of a cake a collector made for us on the day :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Christmas With The Impossimals Pt 2

Hi, it's me, Peter, this Saturday the 24th Of November myself and Jayne will be appearing at Castle Galleries in Solihull between 1-4pm for another free Christmas With The Impossimals Event and your all welcome to come along.

Artists can be scary in real life so to prepare you here's a few things you need to know. Being an artist means that my diet must meet strict colour criteria so I will only eat food that is red. This in no way restricts my diet, if a food is a different colour I will cover it in tomato sauce before I eat it, simple!

I do like chillies though and I can often be found in the garden attending my special Capascicumgiganticas fiery spicy flue buster chillies. A chilli that once eaten allows me to belch flame over twenty feet, of course I will not be doing this at this weekends event so don't worry about getting scorched.

More often than not I can be found every day at the bottom of one of these, it's all in the name of art as every week I save all the corks up to add to a new art installation.

It's called 'Corked!' And so far included all the corks from this weeks bottles, around 243 to be precise and is assembled around forty beer cans and a bottle of scotch, essential artists equipment used to silence the inner turmoil. Of course I will not be bringing my cork collection with me this weekend.

In my spare time I attend to my three giant rabbits, each one is over twenty feet tall and weighs the same as two double decker buses. They live in Bunnyopolis, a purpose build construction with over 20,000 cubic feet of space hidden behind a waterfall in the garden. Facilities include satellite and radar coverage of the UK and early warning systems spanning the globe to alert the buns to the possibility of free cabbage.

They do knock me about a bit though so with that in mind they will not be accompanying us both at this weekends appearance.

Peter & Jayne will be at Castle Galleries, Solihull on Saturday 24th between 1-4pm, before the event you will find them sitting in the skip behind M&S swigging from a wine bottle wrapped in brown paper.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Well I Never!

In our continuing series of handy DIY hints today I demystify sandpapering, from the rough to the smooth, sanding any wood is a lengthy process involving dedication and a good right arm. Firstly decide what you would like to sand, it's recommended you sand materials like wood and wooden wood things although you can sand many things around the home. Shiny new table tops can be made to look dull and rough with an healthy application of sandpaper. Create an aged feel to children by using the roughest sandpaper to wipe them down at the end of a day or use a smooth grain to buff up sausages after cooking and also to remove sharp and burnt edges.

If you are using coarse sandpaper you will find the roughest grain has the dirtiest words on it for identification. The one shown above is a medium grain indicated by the mild expletive written in large letters on the front. For a really heavy grain you will need to choose carefully between your four letter words. Grades like Tit and Futtock should only be used for light sanding work and is particularly useful when dusting around the home, a quick wipe down of any surface will leave it smooth looking even though it may remove varnish or paint randomly.

To show you how versatile sandpaper can be take a block of wood as shown above. Simply select your sandpaper and very carefully sand away the edges and the inside to be left with this.

A perfect wooden ring, ideal for marriages between puppets or even for the noses of wooden bulls. With a little skill you can even fashion yourself a new set of teeth or a delightful ornament in the shape of a tapeworm.

Sandpaper can be used for more than just sanding, cover your living room floor with sandpaper to recreate that holiday beach feel and remove rough skin from you feet at the same time. Sandpaper covering a toilet seat will cut down on sitting times if you have a large family whilst wall papering with sandpaper will allow you to smooth any object around the house with a quick rub of the wall. For really smooth results you will need to switch to Emery paper, a paper covered with the mineral emery that gives a really fine finish and doubles up as a male fancy dress costume from the 70's. Simply strip naked and Sellotape Emery paper over your naughty bits to arrive in style as 70's cross dressing comedian Dick Emery.

I hope you found today's guide useful and informative, if you have sanded anything unusual and wish to share it then contact us directly at ihavebetterthingstodo@gooutsideandmeetpeople.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

New And Improved!

'Fill this in and sit over there' the Gruffalo eventually said after pointedly ignoring us for a few minutes whilst she talked about someone called John and an episode with a boiled sweet. I started to fill the first form in but was rudely interrupted by the Gruffalo asking me if I was deaf. 's'cuse me? You said fill it in and sit over there so that is what I'm doing'. 'You do it OVER THERE.', by now she had filed me under difficult and annoying not to mention simple and possibly hard of hearing. 'Over where exactly?' I asked, unsure as there was quite a bit of over there to choose from. 'Over there.', she indicated by flicking her hand in the general direction of the rest of the world and giving me a look that you would normally receive if you had taken a dump in someones handbag.

It's going to be one of those days I thought as I clutched my questionnaire, patient sheet and medical history form and took a seat in the dentists with a bewildering amount of paperwork to fill in. I compared forms with Jayne, we both had different ones. We sighed, we had filled in these forms over and over again each time we visit and each time they get bigger and bigger.

Here we go, title, surname, first name, e-mail, occupation, hang on, occupation? It's not a bloody job interview so I wrote astronaut. NHS number, what the hell is an NHS number? Underneath it said to find your NHS number click on this link. Nice if you can do it but I tend to find links printed on paper do not take you to websites easily when pressed. I pressed a few times to see if we were indeed in the year 2153 and was almost at the point of returning my form as faulty when Jayne stopped me, we were both laughing and Gruffalo looked like she didn't like laughing. In fact she tried it once in 1978 whilst watching an episode of the Goodies but quickly realised that fun in any form should not be allowed so her face had been a permanent downturned mouth since.

Sex, yes please! It always gets me and I'm sure they always find it amusing when people answer it that way, what's next? DoB, well I don't own a DoB so I left this one and moved on. Address, telephone, mobile, email, inside leg... It went on and on... When did you last visit the dentist? Oh, I don't know, you tell me. Oh, sorry, you have only been my dentist for the last ten years so how can I expect YOU to remember, silly me.

Next of Kin, wha! Since when has a checkup been life threatening? What are you planning to introduce torture check ups? Or marathon drill sessions to test my stamina? Oh, here we go, the meaty stuff, Are You Currently... Taking suppositories!? Wonder what triggered that question, I'd love to know the background to that story. Do You Suffer From Any Infectious Diseases? Suffer Indegestion? Allergic to Rubber? Did You As A Child Or Since, Have Growth Hormone Treatment In The Mid Eighties? Have Brain Surgery? These are are all true questions obviously designed to help insurance companies screw more money out of us at some future time when they can point out on your death bed that in 2012 you said yes to the question 'Have You Ever Eaten A Hotdog', our policy clearly states that you should never eat hotdogs or your life insurance is null and void, goodbye Mr Smith.

Then we get to the good bit, the filthy habits. Units Of Alcohol Per Day/Week/Month and of course Have You EVER Smoked In Your Life? I did of course get carpet burns one night, does that count? it was pretty smokin' but really I can't remember as I had just finished my usual tipple of two bottles of JD a day.

Last but not least come the off the wall ones no doubt tailored to get more business. Are You Satisfied With Your Teeth? Do You Wish Your Teeth Was Shaped Differently? As a matter of fact I do, if you could carve them so when I bite people it leaves my name imprinted on them that would be great and whilst we are at it I always fancied my back teeth to be made into hexagons and little crosses so I can unscrew things without resorting to an alan key and screwdriver, a sort of Swiss army mouth.

Do You Wish Your Breath Was Fresher? It depends what I have been licking I wrote, If You Could Alter Your Mouth What Would You Most Likely Change? The face and body surrounding it probably. Finally, the last question... Is There Anything That Frightened You In The Past Which You Are Anxious About Now? Well, when I was young I was biten by a small dog in a tartan coat so when I pass kilt shops or tins of shortbread I go into meltdown.

Really, what a load of tosh, I know that records are needed to maintain standards and safety but seventy, yes seventy questions is a little over the top. We were sent upstairs to sit an wait, at least that's what the Gruffalo told us to do, but she smirked as she said it which ment only one thing, there was no chairs. Revenge was her only aim and we both stood at the top of the stairs in a confined corridor barely two feet from three seated individuals. Five people in a red hot waiting area six feet square, I could smell feet too.

Anyway, not to bore you further we had our checkup and got poked around the mouth for sixty seconds then returned to the Gruffalo to cough up the thirty five quid and stepped out of the door to walk into Mansfield.

If you ever fancy going back in time when visiting Mansfield then Sally Twinkles is the place to be, a delightful shop full of buttons, ribbon, cloth of assorted variety and old fashioned display cabinets, not much has change from when I used to visit this as a child, even the staff remain remarkably endearing and batty in equal measures. There's not many places you can find three sizes of silver bells for Jaynes Foreverbunnies, or indeed a ribbon counter run by a ribbon obsessed assistant who loves ribbon order according to colour tone and texture. It was a bit of a oasis today for as soon as we left the madness returned.

'That will be £8.20 please.' Our cheerful assistant replied from behind the health food counter. Jayne pulled out a ten pound note and asked quite innocently 'Would you like the 20p to save your change?' Which of course is Jayne actually saying don't give me £1.80 of change to slush around my purse. I don't think we would have had an any worse reaction if we had said devide 534 by 73 then add your shoe size and age to the result before multiplying it by 9 and adding Pi to seventeen decimal places. We watched in amazement as she stopped, I mean really stopped as if somebody had pulled a plug on her and her eyes rolled up to the ceiling as if she was watching a balloon floating away. I swear if the store was quiet we would hear the sound of a marble rolling around an empty glass bowl before finally plopping into place. 'Err, I don't do mafs'. Walking away Jayne muttered 'Do I look like I work in a bloody arcade?' as she struggled to get the £1.80p in 10 pence pieces stuffed in her purse.

On to the next one, I needed an extra box of contact lenses, a simple matter, I return to the opticians, ask for a box and pay my money. Oh no you don't, not today, for today the world has been collectively hit by a stupid stick.

'Do you have any of these please? I need an extra box.'

'I'll just check' our assistant bounced over to a cabinet and pulled out a box. 'Here you are, name please?'

'And address?'

'Telephone number?'

'Have you or do you suffer from dizziness, headaches or impaired vision?'

'Do you plan on wearing these lenses for concerts, driving, ski...'

'Hang on young lady, I have come in here to buy an extra box to top up my stock that you deliver every three months and have done for the last four years not take a medical, I think by now I have got the hang of these contact lense things, here I'll take one out of my ear to show you. You mean they should go in my eyes? You don't say, we'll there's where I have been going wrong, it probably explains why I keep answering the iron and phoning people with a banana.'

'Oomp, I'll check'

I have been in here a million times I thought, every time it's a new assistant and they have to 'check'.

'Ah, you're back, any news on the can I have them front?'

'I'm afraid I cannot sell them to you.'

'Why? You have just sent me two packs through the post last week why can't I have a pack to top them up?'

'You need an eye test first.'

'Wha! Sorry? I could have sworn you said I need an eye test, funny thing is you said the same thing when I came in for my eye test last week, you know, the one where they render you nearly blind blowing air into your eyes then ask you to read small lettering fifty feet away that spells the word P E N I S'

'Oomp, I'll check'

'Too right!' I said indignantly marking me out as a bit of trouble no doubt.

'No, you need an eye test first' she said upon here return.

'But I have had an eye test, look on your computer, it was only last week, you served me!'

'Sorry, you have had an eye examination not an eye test'

'What's the difference?'

'On an eye test they use the charts to determine if you need a different prescription'

'But I did that!'

'Yes, it's part of the eye examination.'

'So what's the difference?'

'You didn't pay for that its part of your contact lens contract, you need to pay for an eye test before you can have the lenses.'

'You're plucking joking! (use your imagination), I need to pay you to have the same test under a different name to top up lenses that you sent me last week that were only sent because you sent me a letter telling me I needed an eye examination before you would send me lenses which I did. What, is this some kind of initiative test? What do I need to get my next boxes? teach a dog to dance? or maybe learn to walk on stilts?'

There followed a lengthy to and fro with various assistants until finally a senior optician 'allowed' me to take them.

'That will be £16.95 please!'

'Wha! no, that's more than what I pay each month for a box'

'Thats what it says here, do you want me to check?

'Of course I want you to check, I had made sure I took a half days holiday so I could fanny around in the opticians, be my guest, check away!'

She returned with a burly assistant that reminded me of the Gruffalo, 'I have met your sister today.' I said.

'Pardon? You said this was too expensive?'

'Wha! no, I said it's more expensive than my boxes I pay for each month by direct debit and wondered why it is more expensive.'

'The price reflects the convenience.'

I really don't believe I'm hearing this, 'So let me get this right, I drive into town, come into the store ask for a box, get questioned for six hours, save you postage and I'm willing to give you money for them and you are charging me because you conveniently have them available for me to buy?'

'Yes, if we didn't stock them we would have to order them and that is an inconvenience to us, so we have them in for your convenience.'

Conveniently or inconveniently depending on how you look at these things I didn't have a shovel with which to beat the entire staff with. It took another five minutes of gentle persuasion before I finally got them at the not so convenient normal price. It makes me wonder where will it all stop, will they start charging entry fees to supermarkets because they are convenient? Convenient is the new buzz word along with 'for your benefit' which never is and the 'I'm going to disguise the fact that this product is inferior' by adding the words new and improved to the front.

So for your convenience I am levying a charge on today's blog, obviously if it's here for you to read its convenient, if I don't post it somehow it will inconvenience me in ways I haven't though of yet so please leave your donation in the hat provided and fill out this short questionnaire.

1. Name

2. Have you ever touched a dolphin on the moon?

Please answer truthfully, all answers will be checked by the government, police, opticians, dentists and possibly the Queen. If you have never touched a dolphin on the moon there is a further charge to validate your claim, please fill in form number 174/72/A and include the appropriate payment to cover our inconvenience.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals