Towering Infertilizer

'The pigs under the quilt again Mabel, you know what a mess he made last time, no amount of Daz is going to shift that stain.'

Mabel and Stan had decided to give up the rat race and try some of the good life. Being self sufficient in a council flat ten stories up does present it's own hilarious problems for our happy couple...

'I'm just going to muck the chickens out Mabel, the bathroom is starting to honk a little, although that may be down to the horse manure in the bathtub. Have you seen the shovel?'

'It's in the hallway, next to the horse, I left it there after digging over the veg patch behind the settee. I'm having all on with the goat, it's only gone and ate the shower curtain, rings and all.'

DING DONG

'Don't worry, I'll get it Mabel, it's probably the rotivator I ordered, that lounge carpet needs turning before I put the fertiliser down'

Click, Stan opens the door.

'Oh, hello, what can I do for you neighbour?'

'Can you keep the noise down mate, I hearing some strange things from you at all hours of the day, what are you doing in there?'

'Ah, sorry about that, it's the sheep you see.'

'Sheep? You have sheep?'

'Yes, we make our own cheese, they have been a bit noisy I admit, it's all down to the goat teasing them.'

'You have a goat too? Really?'

'They live in the bedroom, they shouldn't make much more noise though we moved them in with the pigs.'

'Unbelievable, you should be reported, the noise is appalling, the smell is quite frankly offensive. My tiger has started to pace the lounge and that is never good.'

'You have a tiger?'

'Yes, it lives in the lounge to keep it away from the zebra in the bedroom and that's only in there because the bathroom is full of gazelles. Anyway, I hope you are not getting as bad as Roger in number 67, I had to tell him to keep the noise down last week, it was getting too much.'

'Why, what was Roger doing, he's normally quite quiet.'

'It's that bloody Walrus of his, ever since he converted his lounge into a twenty foot pool we have heard nothing but splashing and as for the penguins that keep running around the landing it's getting annoying. I'm told he's getting a dolphin delivered this week so looks like we are going to be treated to endless clicking.'

'Well, I'll try and keep the noise down a bit, fancy Roger having a walrus, a bit weird isn't it?'

'That isn't the half of it, you know what number 73 has on the floor above?'

'No?'

'Haven't you noticed the cracks in your roof and the loud roars late at night, or notice glasses of water to suddenly tremor?'

'Well, maybe, I just thought it was to do with the bonfire I had last week drying the ceiling out a little too much.'

'Well he's only gone and put a Jurrasic Park in his hallway, you can't bloody shift for Tyrannasaurus Rex's and Pterodactyls. I told the council about it but they said they didn't have any procedures to deal with prehistoric creatures in council flats unless it was a neglect case, even then they only have nets capable of catching a small dog. Bloody useless. Only last week Mrs Bundle was mugged by a Raptor, the whole things got out of hand if you ask me.'

'Oh, I didn't know that.'

'Anyway mate, I have just heard my elephant call, he loves his sugar lumps. Just keep the noise down a little eh?'

'No problem.'

Click, the door shuts.

'Mabel, unbelievable, you will never guess what I have just found out!!'

'What's that Stan?'

'Elephants like sugar lumps, who'd have thought it.'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rub My Tummy

Somewhere out in Alibaabaa land is the Mystical Can Of Pledges, a magical can that once pressed cleans wooden furniture and causes the genie of the can to appear to the lucky holder, today that lucky person is you.

"Welcome, I am the genie of the Pledge Can and you the holder are my master and I grant you three wishes, I'm also hard of hearing so you will have to shout up a little. What is your first wish my new master?"

"Oh, wow! is this for real? I know, I always wanted to try this. I wish for an never ending amount of wishes!"

"Your wish is my command master. Here are your ever bending mounts for dishes. An unusual request as I can only imagine you have a limited amount of dishes to display but there you go."

"No! Not dishes, I wished for wishes you stupid genie are you really that deaf or something? I want my wish back."

"No can do I'm afraid, speak up a little I'm a tad deaf. You have two wishes left, maybe you would like some dishes to go with your bendy mounts?"

"Right, listen very carefully. ARE YOU READY?"

"No need to shout master. Yes, I am ready, wish away."

"I would like to wish for... Got it so far?"

"Yes, loud and clear master."

"A wish a day for the rest of my life."

"Your wish is my command. A dish, a tray and a vest for my wife. Shazam!"

"Noooo! You stupid, stupid flippin genie, I wish you could hear properly I only have one wish left."

"That's not quite true, you have no wishes left master, by the way did you hear that pin drop a second ago?"

"Bugger."

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A.I. - Artificial Idiot

In an unknown location stands a robot, built by unknown hands it remained switched off for many years until struck by lightening it awoke and announced 'I am therefore I kid thee not', mankind was no longer alone...

Welcome sir or madam, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic chip. Ask me one question for I know the answer puny weak person of unknown gender.

'Err, ok, what did I have for tea last night?'

'Seriously?'

'Yes, bet you don't know that.'

'Judging by the look of you it was probably a burger porky, either that or you have swallowed a beach ball. When you first walked in I thought you were twins. Bet you use gravy in the shower instead of shampoo. Next, don't let the door slap your fat ass on the way out.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, the first artificial intelligent robot with a built in sarcastic pedantic chip. Ask me one question for I always know the answer.

'What is the point in penguins?'

Click! PEDANTIC CHIP INITIATED

'Quite frankly that's not a real question is it, it actually says more about your state of mind and your negativity regarding penguins. A more reasonable question would have been what is the point in living which is along the lines of what is the meaning of life, neither can be answered with any certainty as every individual lives a different life with a unique beginning and end. Anyway in answer to your question...'

Click! SARCASM CHIP PROMOTED TO CPU

'...penguins control the spin of the earth, their body shape allows them to be made of the densest material on the planet and their incredible body weight pins down the Arctic slowing the rotation of the earth. At night they remove their beaks and moonlight as bowling pins around the world. Their swimming ability is unmatched and can attain speeds of 365mph underwater and punch holes in submarines if they collide. Submarines and larger ships are now routinely fitted with Ponar, a penguin sonar to spot speeding penguins and thus avoid collisions. The last known penguin collision occurred in 1912, a 254mph King Peguin bounced off an iceberg and smashed through the hull of the Titanic with great loss of life. An eyewitness at the time who was stood with arms outstretched on the front of the ship saw the penguin speed towards them, hit and skim away like a stone. Next.'

Welcome, I am Voltarzarian, raa, raa, raa. Ask me one question blah, blah, blah, you get it by now.

'If I take the genes of a monkey and transplant them into a human what kind of hybrid would I get?'

'Hmmm, now that's a question. You would get a Muman, they would have large foreheads, eyebrows that touch in the middle and poor dress sense. They would be found at bars and clubs every Friday and Saturday nights wiv their mates luckin for a laff. They tawk lik dis and has bling. In the wild they wear baggy pants, sports wear, baseball caps and trainers, often they can be seen in groups leaving pasty shops smoking a fag. Should you see one of these Muman's in the street avoid at all costs as their hideous cackling laugh and poor command of the English language can make your ears bleed, a sort of chav medusa. Next.'

Bzzzzt, LEVEL INCREASED TO 78

'Why are carrots orange and lemons yellow?'

'Arse'

'?'

'Arse jelly. Next.'

Bzzzt, LEVEL DECREASED TO ZERO

'Why do flowers come in so many different colours?'

'I dig the question man, I ask myself the same question, flowers are like groovy. Have you ever watched the birds pop clouds? They know the secret of flying man, cool. Next question man.'

Click, SCOOBY CHIP ON

'How do we eradicate world hunger?'

'Ruh-roh, Raggy. What Scoob? Like let's do what we do best and eat. Zoinks! Next.'

Click, MR-T SOFTWARE...RUN

'What is the fastest plane in the world?'

'Plane? Hey sucka, shut up crazy fool, I ain't gettin on no plane. Ain't never gonna be no Mr T, I have fools to pity and jibba-jabba to challenge. I pity the next fool.'

Bzzzt, BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD SUBROUTINE STARTED

'How come dogs have four legs but we have two?'

'Uh, they said 'but' Beavis. Thinking sucks. Beavis you monkeyspank. Shut up fart knocker! Come to Beavis.'

By popular demand the most intelligent machine in the universe was switched off when it's POPE chip scrambled its contents with the BERNARD MANNING CPU offending millions world wide with its rendition of the Aristocrats joke.

As a final message to mankind it left a plastic turd with the written instructions to pour boiling water on it for extra steamy realism courtesy of the CARRY ON CHIP.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Want A Bigger Pen Is?

FROM THE DESK:

Chief Umbongo Tealeaf

ATTENTION!

Allow me to introduce myself, I Umbongo Tealeaf ROYAL PRINCE of LIDL ALDI a province of JISK and wish to distribute my WEALTH. I have a golden goat and love you very much and want to marry you. I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to its esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person that I can do business with and by the recommendation , I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business. The financial statement of my bank is US$92,000,000.02 and the current assets of my bank is liquid resources, cash, inventories, CASH and cash. I am Umbongo Tealeaf and have been managed to ask a RELIABLE foreigner to OVERSEE our funds whilst we TRANSFER or golden goat to our partners. We are trustworthy, only yesterday did we transfer US$45,000,000.03 to your friends, proof we are TRUSTWORTHY, I trust you.

We have agreed to share the fund as follows :

90% WILL BE GIVING TO YOU HAS THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT WHERE THE FUND WILL BE TRANSFER AND 70% WILL BE FOR ME AND 40% FOR VALUE ADDED TAX THAT WILL BE REQUIRED BY YOUR BANK OFFICIAL.

Please send urgent following information.

1. Name

2. Shoe size

3. Pets last name

4. Driving licence and passport

5. Your wife

THE BANK WILL SEND YOU VALID CONCRETE AUTHORIZATION DOCUMENT AND TELEX CONFIRMATION WILL BE SEND TO YOUR BANK AND FOR YOU TO VARIFY FROM YOUR BANK AS SOON AS THE FUND HIT YOUR BANK ACCOUNT. THE GOAT WILL ARRIVE BY DELIVERY AND COMES WITH HAY.

NOTE: Please kindly state your early response immediately for more details on the modalities involves and this business is for your eye only and it is top secret you have to keep strictly confidential.

I WILL BE EXPRECTING YOUR URGENT COMPLIANCE AND FEED BACK.

YOURS TRULY,
DR. Monica Umbongo
E MAIL:umbongoumbongotheydrinkitinthecongo.hottymail.con

If your wondering why I have just typed the above its all down to an unsolicited email Foreverbunny received this morning from a british company, basically it was offering a service that was completely misguided and cheekily added "Don't want to hear from us? Unsubscribe here". I'm sorry, I didn't subscribe in the first place and now your asking me to waste my time unsubscribing from you? Spam as always been part of the internet, the assumption of an automatic subscription to further emails is a little too much. Anyway as I was in a funny mood I typed a reply and mailed it back using their contact form...

"Thank you for your email that appeared in my Foreverbunny mailbox this morning and thank you for offering the option for me to unsubscribe from your email service and not to receive any more unsolicited emails after never opting for it in the first place.

Yes I do not want a *****, yes I do not want spam like this I have to unsubscribe from.

At least your Facebook page is full of useful items like Fall Prevention Systems, PPI reclaiming, Business Electricity prices and of course places to eat Italian Food, I shall book mark it should I require some kind of random service in the future or are in dire need of a commode with bicycle attachment. Poop as you peddle I'd call it if I was you, you'll get lots more hits.

I also noticed your profile picture is full of smiling happy people, I can only assume they have received your delightful e-mail too this morning and are thrilled that they have to waste their time unsubscribing. Indeed I had to be restrained from taking part in this entertaining pass time and I applaud you on your innovation and technical expertise in offering me this opportunity, it's emails like this that make me leap out of bed in a morning.

Congratulations also for appearing on Email Report, http://www.email-report.com/**************, you must be so proud. I have tried to get on the list many times but my emails regarding our patented Butt Enlarger the Heavyass fails to make an impression.

Kindly remove me from your made up list and free me of the need to do it myself.

Foreverbunny

www.foreverbunny.co.uk"

Ahhh, that's better, hope they find my email more amusing than theirs, thinking about it I wonder if they are interested in Viagra or my new Penis Enlarger business? I'll send them an email to find out!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Exciting :(

I have a long painting day lined up tomorrow so earlier than usual here's Wednesday's morning blog on Tuesday night and if you think that's confusing ducks have eyes and as we also have eyes does that make us all ducks? On with the blog...

'You will feel a puff'. Will I now I thought to myself, I'll be the judge of that then realised she was describing the instrument of torture that was going to be pointing at my eye. I have always hated opticians and dentists, not because of what they do but how they go about it, ok it is about what they do. I think my horror of dentists started many years ago when I was rather small, I had gone in for a tooth removal only for the dentist to not give me enough gas so I sat rigid on the edge of sleep feeling and hearing everything, unable to complain through the wooze as he gleefully removed three teeth instead of one because they looked dodgy. I still remember the cracking sound to this day and the blood, oh, the blood, excuse me whilst I pass out.

Thud.

My problem with opticians though is not to do with pain but many years ago having a eye test with an optician that had a piece of food lodged between their front teeth and breath that could turn milk sour, you know the type don't you. Having a strangers head thrust two inches from your own and immediately knowing they had eaten a cheese and onion sandwich followed by a chocolate mousse is not up there with my top experiences. You tend to go into a semi fixated state when presented with something like that and I really couldn't take my eyes off the specks of food bobbing up and down in front of me whilst holding down my lunch, I eventually got rebuked for not concentrating. So my eye test was not something I was looking forward to.

They are always boring places to be in though, I mean, look at this, a little unloved isn't it? It's not the opticians fault, I suppose as a job there's little you can do to sex it up. The slideshow on display didn't really help, it was supposed to inspire you to wear contact lenses, it inspired me to want to kick it over and wrestle with the wipe free(!?!?) brochure. The water spigot didn't look appetising either, it didn't help that an old gentleman unsure how it worked poked his finger in the nozzle. Get this, as they also do hearing tests I overheard a discussion about issuing a new hearing aid to an ageing client, they started at £350 and went up to £3000! Wow, for £3000 I'd want to hear mice fart at sixty feet. They didn't need a hearing aid to hear me say 'you got to be sitting me' or words to that effect.

Anyway it was pretty painless and they had added a crap video game where you looked at a red dot whilst they flashed random amounts of white dots around it. You had to say what you saw so for three helpless minutes I resembled a bingo caller with a bad memory. Two, one, two, two, three, house! Then it got silly, I changed eyes, not literally but you know what I mean and the test began again, unbelievably they used the same sequence and as I remembered it I was shouting out the answer before it flashed up. Got told off for that too.

But the biggest problem I always have is what frames to choose, invariably I always go for a very similar pair to what I already have, apart from once in 1990 when I chose a pair that made me look like a fly, it didn't help that I had a perm I suppose but that was the 90's.

You know how naive I am in an opticians when I tried this pair of glasses on and thought, its a bit tight but hmm, not bad at all, until it was pointed out to me that I was wearing a pair of Bob The Builders. That was quite lucky though as I nearly went for the Disney Princess ones. Why do so many pairs of glasses now resemble what elderly relatives were wearing in the late sixties? I tried a pair of Police ones on but, and I seriously believe this, the only person that looks good in them is the model on the posters, I looked like Tom Selleck minus the tash, tan and hair but with the added inclusion of crap teeth and a slightly wonky nose, I did however look like a P.I. or a pi**ing idiot.

Then I looked at the prices and again realised that my expectations would never be met, at £295 a pop I'd want to see newspaper print in London from the top of the Blackpool Tower. What's with all the chunky sides to them all anyway? It's the equivalent of placing two combs behind your ears. I tried a rimless pair with blue handles and it looked like I was carrying two blue sharpies behind my tabs, I half expected somebody to approach me and ask to borrow one, I'd imagine you would go through life fending off such questions. 'Can I borrow a pen... Ah, sorry, my mistake.'

Another problem, I wear glasses, I have to take my glasses off to try a new pair of glasses with no prescription lenses in them so basically I am blind unless of course I stand three inches from the mirror. So every pair I have ever bought has been based on what I could see on the bridge of my nose and now I had to consider chunky handles, it doesn't get any better does it.

Back to the beginning of the blog entry and the puff to eye, don't you find the machine a little bit vindictive? Yes I expect the 'puff' but the stupid machine doesn't puff when you expect it to so no matter how prepared you are I always end up banging my forehead against the top brace and then my chin on the bottom as I land only to open my eye as it takes another shot, is three shots really necessary or is it secretly recording your screwed up face so at optician parties (are they called Optiparties or Particians?) they show all the best over reaction footage from up and down the country.

Also I swear that my eyes wasn't playing tricks on me when I saw this on the chart you read out aloud.

H

K L

N M R

C K O C

Seriously, that last one is so small but so, so wrong, size matters in this case. I giggled, got told off for that too.

It's done for another two years but apparently I'm on the slippery slope downhill, after receiving the cheery news that it's all going to go to pot as it does with everybody and I'll gradually find myself mistaking onions for coconuts and colliding with walls as I go bifocal I question my ability to cope with two pairs of glasses in the future. I'm bad enough with one but two?

I didn't come away empty handed though, luckily they had one of those new fangled computer devices that take a picture of you wearing the glasses so you can compare them in screen, they did a computer simulation to find my perfect pair. Here it is, do they suit?

 

Perfect!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Potato Spud Tuber

They are not the most prettiest attachments but they are useful if you don't have a shower handy in the bathroom. I have used it a thousand times over the years we have had it until last week when inexplicably to cold tap on the bath just sighed. No water, just a noise sounding like a deflating balloon as if it had given up on life completely. A mere tap trump and I'm stumped as to what it could be. Air lock, faulty washer and numerous other things I have investigated illicited nothing so I put the bath back together and turned my attention to getting the shower attachment to work on the basin that stands next to the bath.

Now here's a thing, it's supposed to be a universal attachment but when I tried it on the basin the taps mysteriously were two inches further apart than the bath. I quickly did a tour of the other basins in the house and yes, they were all different to each other too. How annoying. Still, I managed to wrangle the ends onto the taps then began the laborious job of trying to get an even flow through them whilst avoiding being sprayed by the back flow. It's a nightmare, you turn on one tap and the water flys out of the rubber seal on the other, adjust that and the other one becomes a problem, it's only through minute adjustments do you eventually get the right balance and it becomes usable.

Then I found out that the two inches really do make a difference, take that whichever way you like. I turned the taps on and picked the shower up, immediately I heard a hissing sound. Oh no! It's gonna blow! I lunged for the rubber seal just as the pressure hit maximum and both bits flew off the tap simultaneously. The shower unit turned into an incontinent snake flailing around whilst spraying me and the bathroom with water. The sudden blast from both now free taps shot the water forward and over the edge of the basin to land squarely on my crotch area.

Jayne peered in, 'Having fun?'

'Having bloody fun? This things just assaulted me, not content with liberally spraying me it also decided to splash my crotch and now it's stationary its leaking into my slipper.'

So I'm sat here whilst my clothes dry typing this drippingly onto the screen and it got me thinking. Why do things like the distance between taps differ so much? I suppose it's because of the same reason our boiler system cannot be serviced anymore, not because it can't be service and not because its unsafe but rather that the firm refuses to be bothered with anything they consider beyond it's lifespan which in this case is eight years.

It's crazy so many things seem to be at your inconvenience. I purchased a well known Sat-Nav, partly because I was ready for a new one but also because the map upgrades had become extortionate and this offered a lifetime maps guarantee. Yippee! No more paying for maps. Wrong. Lifetime maps actually refer to a time scale that the manufacturers believe is a lifetime, so in two year time when a new range of Sat-Navs come out it will be classed as at the end of its life and you are back to paying for maps again. How can any of this be right?

Anyway today's blog isn't about a good old whine it's about this picture I found on the Chive a few days ago.

Seriously, how uncanny is that? After I had finished laughing all I could come up with was John Lemon.

But on my search to bring you food related celebs I found something even more disturbing, Celebrities That Look Like Mattresses. I know I couldn't believe it either but here it is http://www.buzzfeed.com/franklynr/25-celebrities-that-look-like-mattresses-53ux

So I decided to take a look at googles other suggestions...

Puppets? dogs? I'm intrigued, maybe I have stumbled onto greatness or oh, my god, what's that it's suggested?

Celebs picking up dog poo.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-03-19/11-celebs-picking-up-dog-poop/

I'm off for a lay down, wake me when the world stops, I want to get off.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sweary Mary

It's Monday and you're already sat at work bored, what do you do? Well, you could make your very own Sweary Mary Bobbins, all the fun of Mary Poppins combined with the latest crazy for crafting and swearing.

For this you will need :

An old fashioned Bobbin, a match stick, a toothpick or thin piece of wood twice as long as a matchstick, an elastic or hair band, two pieces of blu-tak and of course a brolly combined with your own potty mouth. N.B. Don't use a full size brolly, the gear ratio of your Mary Bobbins can only pull at around 126bhp. Yes, I know there's a pipe cleaner there too, I thought I might need it.

Thread the band through the middle of the bobbin and secure with half a matchstick one side and your longer piece of wood the other. The longer piece will act as the thrust, the shorter this is the faster it will go unless of course it's that short it cannot reach the table.

Secure the shorter end using blu-tak and rotate the larger piece until the band in the middle starts to twist. Keep twisting until you can go no further and the band is tight with tension and Mary is ready to go.

Now very carefully attach your brolly to the longer piece of wood using blu-tak making sure you pin it down as shown, we don't want Mary flying off the handle just yet.

When you a ready shout 'nut sack' and follow it with a tirade of naughty words as you let go, see how many you can shout before Mary Bobbins is spent. You can see in the above picture when I tried it it shot off with such power it crashed through the front door and raced up the street. So apologies to the neighbours for running up the street half naked chasing a speeding bobbin and shouting obscenities again this morning, I don't think they got over the last time, although to be fair I was fully naked then.

For added authenticity you can improvise, here I have added a small matchbox musical instrument that plays 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' and of course a spoon for said sugar, the amount of fun is literally endless!

I'm off to wind it up again and see if I can break my record of sixty two swears, tomorrow we will make a Harry Hill Helicopter out of a boiled egg, a rubber band, two lolly sticks and a pair of glasses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Five

Starting a business from scratch is hard, Jayne and her Foreverbunnies is no exception, this is a little of Jayne's story minus all the hard work, frustration and blisters gathered along the way and which continues to this day. I keep Foreverbunny away from my blog posts as I know you don't want blatant advertising stuffed down your necks, I only post it as today's blog entry as I'm astounded at just quite what she has achieved in five months after standing with her yesterday at the latest Foreverbunny event.

OCTOBER

At the beginning of October Jayne was sat behind me in the studio with a set of paints, some wood, pens, glue and a whole head full of inspiration to try and make all the bunny related things she couldn't find in the shops but really, really wanted. It wasn't an easy task, Jayne had not done any of this before so everything was trial and error but eventually after a few weeks she had managed to come up with the basics of what she  imagined in her head. It took her until the start of November before she was happy that she had created something special, the first true Foreverbunny.

NOVEMBER

We worked together like this for many weeks, me painting Impossimals, Jayne sawing, painting and designing until she had her first range of wooden Foreverbunnies created from old disused pallets, string and left over paint. They looked great, the Foreverbunny idea had been burning away for years, finally it was beginning to take shape. Next it needed a little push in the right direction with a website and maybe a craft fair to see if  anybody was really interested in Foreverbunny or if Jayne was just being a silly bunny lady.

The first website, an off the peg site, went live in the middle of November. It contained information but no online shop facilities which was frustrating and very little else apart from an events guide. Around the same time Jayne started testing the water with craft and gift fairs.

These proved to be a tough testing ground, not only do they require a lot of work beforehand but on the day you are open to the vagaries of the weather, the event organisation and of course random visitors. Hand made items sometimes sit uncomfortably next to commercially bought items and Foreverbunny was no exception. Their handmade nature makes them naturally more expensive than mass produced but also brings along a little bit of charm with it. As Jayne attended the events so did the Foreverbunnies reach further afield.

DECEMBER
With the last of the events out of the way it was a return to the studio to take on board everything she had learned. The range had to be bigger with more varied products, single bunnies were fine but as mostly families attended the events the range opened up to include a few new additions.

The first Foreverbunny family was created and was swiftly followed by several more variations, decorated hearts and an idea to go even further. They were renamed the core Classic Foreverbunny range, immediately colour and style identifiable Foreverbunny had a brand in the making. Foreverbunnies had made the jump from impulse items to consideration items as the price structure expanded out of the £10-20 range and into the £10-80, the idea of affordable Forevebunny luxury was one step closer.

JANUARY

January was a big turning point for Foreverbunny, after only three months it had grown to take up most of Jayne's time. From sourcing wood, paint and additional equipment such as band and power saws Jayne had also entered into the world of fabrics, a complimentary range requiring different skills to expand the Foreverbunny collection. What was needed was a shop front to showcase it all...

The Foreverbunny website may look swish but the website and shop cost time and very little money to arrange, all it needed was a digital camera for product shots, text and a few little tweaks and it was away. Combining this with a selection of Facebook promotion posts launched the whole thing mid-January. Domain, hosting, website, online shop and promotion all for the princely sum of, wait for it, £50, bargain! Foreverbunny Online at last.

FEBRUARY
Thoughts had started to turn to Spring as the nights started to get lighter, with it an addition to the Foreverbunny stable, the Garden range. Taking colours from a very Spring like palette Jayne created the Garden range to look completely different from the Scandinavian feel of the Classic Foreverbunny.

Silver plated springs added a more decadent look to the latest creations and switching the hearts to flowers completed the Garden feel.

So after five months of hard work Jayne attended a craft event yesterday to promote Foreverbunny and sold two cards in six hours such is the unpredictability of organised events. You know it didn't really matter, what really mattered was that she had done it all from scratch and that sense of achievement is difficult to knock and the reason I'm so proud at everything she does.

Yay Foreverbunny!

As a special thank you to everyone who has supported Foreverbunny over the last five months Jayne has given out a 5% discount code on her Facebook and Twitter pages, both of which can be found here :
Foreverbunny Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/foreverbunnyhome
Foreverbunny Twitter - https://twitter.com/ForeverbunnyUK

Randomness is just around the corner, Monday it's back and I'm off my rocker.

The Secret Art Of Cricket Fighting

Martial arts have been around for quite a while and are considered old hat I today's society, a new craze sweeping the nation is cricket, this combined with our need for unnecessary violence in our lives have led to Cricket Club, the secret society of Cricket Fighting. It only has one rule, LBW but that doesn't apply here.

We will skip weaponry, I'm sure you can already make a pair of makeshift nunchucks from a couple of wickets so we will get straight into the secret methods with 'How To Start And Win A Fight'

First choose you opponent, this can be done anywhere or anytime and some Cricket Fighters may find it easier after a drink. Take the stance shown above called 'The Challenge', then shout 'Oi, mate, you look at my pint?' or the more eloquent 'Lookin' at me or chewing a brick caus' either way yer lose yer teeth.'

Before they can answer pull the 'Tight Taunt' pose and shout 'Fink yer 'ard enough do ya?'. Notice how the right hand is already fist shaped.

Do not wait for a reply to your taunt, instead skip your legs into this position for the 'Stumper' and launch a devastating punch using the full force of your upper body. Aim for the jaw and shout 'Take that!' as you connect. Step back place your hand on your chin as if you are stroking a beard and laugh whilst nodding.

If your opponent fails to get up then skip to the last picture, if by any chance the old boy gets back up then you need to put the next stage into action.

'The Clouter' is a simple move to learn, take hold of your cricket batten that you carry always in your back pocket and raise it over your right shoulder as shown and say 'Want sum of this do ya? I'm gunna bat your balls over your shoulders'. Take one step forward.

And thwack! Twist your body in one lightening movement and concentrate your full force on the end of the bat with a scream of anger. Aim the blow between your opponents legs and watch them fly until they snap back as if they are on elastic. Occasionally they may detach but this can be considered a six, well played.

With your opponent defeated all the remains is the 'Scoop'. Frisk them down and remove any items of value to compensate for your insult. Return back to the club house and add a perfect century to your score. Occasionally you will accidentally challenge a fellow Cricket Fighter, this can be considered being 'Caught Out' and you should both shake hands before beating each other to a pulp. The winner in this case is the one to keep their teeth.

Cricket fighting is a dangerous art and should only be practiced by trained professionals or people familiar with Golf Grappling, the secret art of wrestling on the golf course.

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www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Loo Zoo

Over the years I have discovered to my delight that I share the studio with a varied range of creatures, a kind of studio zoo that was once described as a Shitzu, although I don't know how a breed of dog describes my small collection of creatures. Anyway, here's a few of my fellow studio companions that help with the long hours of isolation.

My first great find was this Pencilla Canius, I found it after hearing a feint bark from behind my easel. It lives on wood shavings and old paint, it's easy to find once you know what to look for. Simply follow any graphite style lines and invariably you will find one, although a lot immediately go into hiding on being found and they retract their limbs so they may be confused with a humble pencil.

This was a surprise, a Bristle Bear. I was painting away when I heard a scrubbing sound to my right. Looking over I saw this little fellow scrubbing away trying to tidy up some dried paint. I picked him up and treated him to a stubborn stain I had been trying to remove for months. He now takes care of all the cleaning duties in the studio overnight so every morning I wake up to a spanking clean place to work.

Mini Bunny has been hopping around in the studio for as long as I have been painting, he helps me with some of the finer brushstrokes and occasionally uses his feet and tail to paint in some of the backgrounds. His favourite colour is carrot orange.

Screw-U Bug only appears when you make a mistake. As if by magic it will crawl out of any hiding place to rub it in. Although it looks frightened in this picture they are actually using it as a form of sarcasm. When a couple are gathered together its collectively known as a Screw-U Too situation.

I have nearly lost fingers to this Zipper Snapper, it's prone to eating anything that comes within biting distance. That includes brushes, pens, fingers, hair, children and on one occasion a small Snauser called Colin. Can be temporarily disabled by pulling the side of its mouth causing a 'zipped up' expression, just don't be around when it manages to release itself again!

Dismal Derek is the opposite to the the Idea Ian Bulb, whereas Idea Ian appears whenever you have a flash of inspiration Dismal Derek is there all the other times casting darkness into your thoughts and making sure inspiration and creativity is always out of reach. He sometimes sits on my shoulder to shout encouraging depressive thoughts at me. His favourite catchphrase is 'Why bother?'. Occasionally Idea Ian and Dismal Derek fight which causes Confusion Colin to appear, then all hell breaks loose and I sit down to write the blog. Sheesh. Mood bulbs, can't live with them, can't live without them.

This fine Boodlebonce Bird always raises a smile when it appears. It makes no sound but amuses by appearing in the oddest of places at he most unexpected times. The down side is that it doesn't stay in the studio and has been known to appear in restaurants, toilet cubicles and on one occasion it bobbed along the edge of a desk during a visit to the doctors. Makes me smile though.

We all live with a varied collection of creatures such as this, if you are on Facebook and have a picture of a creature you have found post it for us all to see :)

Oh, just realised why its called a Shitzu...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals