Potato Spud Tuber

They are not the most prettiest attachments but they are useful if you don't have a shower handy in the bathroom. I have used it a thousand times over the years we have had it until last week when inexplicably to cold tap on the bath just sighed. No water, just a noise sounding like a deflating balloon as if it had given up on life completely. A mere tap trump and I'm stumped as to what it could be. Air lock, faulty washer and numerous other things I have investigated illicited nothing so I put the bath back together and turned my attention to getting the shower attachment to work on the basin that stands next to the bath.

Now here's a thing, it's supposed to be a universal attachment but when I tried it on the basin the taps mysteriously were two inches further apart than the bath. I quickly did a tour of the other basins in the house and yes, they were all different to each other too. How annoying. Still, I managed to wrangle the ends onto the taps then began the laborious job of trying to get an even flow through them whilst avoiding being sprayed by the back flow. It's a nightmare, you turn on one tap and the water flys out of the rubber seal on the other, adjust that and the other one becomes a problem, it's only through minute adjustments do you eventually get the right balance and it becomes usable.

Then I found out that the two inches really do make a difference, take that whichever way you like. I turned the taps on and picked the shower up, immediately I heard a hissing sound. Oh no! It's gonna blow! I lunged for the rubber seal just as the pressure hit maximum and both bits flew off the tap simultaneously. The shower unit turned into an incontinent snake flailing around whilst spraying me and the bathroom with water. The sudden blast from both now free taps shot the water forward and over the edge of the basin to land squarely on my crotch area.

Jayne peered in, 'Having fun?'

'Having bloody fun? This things just assaulted me, not content with liberally spraying me it also decided to splash my crotch and now it's stationary its leaking into my slipper.'

So I'm sat here whilst my clothes dry typing this drippingly onto the screen and it got me thinking. Why do things like the distance between taps differ so much? I suppose it's because of the same reason our boiler system cannot be serviced anymore, not because it can't be service and not because its unsafe but rather that the firm refuses to be bothered with anything they consider beyond it's lifespan which in this case is eight years.

It's crazy so many things seem to be at your inconvenience. I purchased a well known Sat-Nav, partly because I was ready for a new one but also because the map upgrades had become extortionate and this offered a lifetime maps guarantee. Yippee! No more paying for maps. Wrong. Lifetime maps actually refer to a time scale that the manufacturers believe is a lifetime, so in two year time when a new range of Sat-Navs come out it will be classed as at the end of its life and you are back to paying for maps again. How can any of this be right?

Anyway today's blog isn't about a good old whine it's about this picture I found on the Chive a few days ago.

Seriously, how uncanny is that? After I had finished laughing all I could come up with was John Lemon.

But on my search to bring you food related celebs I found something even more disturbing, Celebrities That Look Like Mattresses. I know I couldn't believe it either but here it is http://www.buzzfeed.com/franklynr/25-celebrities-that-look-like-mattresses-53ux

So I decided to take a look at googles other suggestions...

Puppets? dogs? I'm intrigued, maybe I have stumbled onto greatness or oh, my god, what's that it's suggested?

Celebs picking up dog poo.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-03-19/11-celebs-picking-up-dog-poop/

I'm off for a lay down, wake me when the world stops, I want to get off.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sweary Mary

It's Monday and you're already sat at work bored, what do you do? Well, you could make your very own Sweary Mary Bobbins, all the fun of Mary Poppins combined with the latest crazy for crafting and swearing.

For this you will need :

An old fashioned Bobbin, a match stick, a toothpick or thin piece of wood twice as long as a matchstick, an elastic or hair band, two pieces of blu-tak and of course a brolly combined with your own potty mouth. N.B. Don't use a full size brolly, the gear ratio of your Mary Bobbins can only pull at around 126bhp. Yes, I know there's a pipe cleaner there too, I thought I might need it.

Thread the band through the middle of the bobbin and secure with half a matchstick one side and your longer piece of wood the other. The longer piece will act as the thrust, the shorter this is the faster it will go unless of course it's that short it cannot reach the table.

Secure the shorter end using blu-tak and rotate the larger piece until the band in the middle starts to twist. Keep twisting until you can go no further and the band is tight with tension and Mary is ready to go.

Now very carefully attach your brolly to the longer piece of wood using blu-tak making sure you pin it down as shown, we don't want Mary flying off the handle just yet.

When you a ready shout 'nut sack' and follow it with a tirade of naughty words as you let go, see how many you can shout before Mary Bobbins is spent. You can see in the above picture when I tried it it shot off with such power it crashed through the front door and raced up the street. So apologies to the neighbours for running up the street half naked chasing a speeding bobbin and shouting obscenities again this morning, I don't think they got over the last time, although to be fair I was fully naked then.

For added authenticity you can improvise, here I have added a small matchbox musical instrument that plays 'A Spoonful Of Sugar' and of course a spoon for said sugar, the amount of fun is literally endless!

I'm off to wind it up again and see if I can break my record of sixty two swears, tomorrow we will make a Harry Hill Helicopter out of a boiled egg, a rubber band, two lolly sticks and a pair of glasses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Five

Starting a business from scratch is hard, Jayne and her Foreverbunnies is no exception, this is a little of Jayne's story minus all the hard work, frustration and blisters gathered along the way and which continues to this day. I keep Foreverbunny away from my blog posts as I know you don't want blatant advertising stuffed down your necks, I only post it as today's blog entry as I'm astounded at just quite what she has achieved in five months after standing with her yesterday at the latest Foreverbunny event.

OCTOBER

At the beginning of October Jayne was sat behind me in the studio with a set of paints, some wood, pens, glue and a whole head full of inspiration to try and make all the bunny related things she couldn't find in the shops but really, really wanted. It wasn't an easy task, Jayne had not done any of this before so everything was trial and error but eventually after a few weeks she had managed to come up with the basics of what she  imagined in her head. It took her until the start of November before she was happy that she had created something special, the first true Foreverbunny.

NOVEMBER

We worked together like this for many weeks, me painting Impossimals, Jayne sawing, painting and designing until she had her first range of wooden Foreverbunnies created from old disused pallets, string and left over paint. They looked great, the Foreverbunny idea had been burning away for years, finally it was beginning to take shape. Next it needed a little push in the right direction with a website and maybe a craft fair to see if  anybody was really interested in Foreverbunny or if Jayne was just being a silly bunny lady.

The first website, an off the peg site, went live in the middle of November. It contained information but no online shop facilities which was frustrating and very little else apart from an events guide. Around the same time Jayne started testing the water with craft and gift fairs.

These proved to be a tough testing ground, not only do they require a lot of work beforehand but on the day you are open to the vagaries of the weather, the event organisation and of course random visitors. Hand made items sometimes sit uncomfortably next to commercially bought items and Foreverbunny was no exception. Their handmade nature makes them naturally more expensive than mass produced but also brings along a little bit of charm with it. As Jayne attended the events so did the Foreverbunnies reach further afield.

DECEMBER
With the last of the events out of the way it was a return to the studio to take on board everything she had learned. The range had to be bigger with more varied products, single bunnies were fine but as mostly families attended the events the range opened up to include a few new additions.

The first Foreverbunny family was created and was swiftly followed by several more variations, decorated hearts and an idea to go even further. They were renamed the core Classic Foreverbunny range, immediately colour and style identifiable Foreverbunny had a brand in the making. Foreverbunnies had made the jump from impulse items to consideration items as the price structure expanded out of the £10-20 range and into the £10-80, the idea of affordable Forevebunny luxury was one step closer.

JANUARY

January was a big turning point for Foreverbunny, after only three months it had grown to take up most of Jayne's time. From sourcing wood, paint and additional equipment such as band and power saws Jayne had also entered into the world of fabrics, a complimentary range requiring different skills to expand the Foreverbunny collection. What was needed was a shop front to showcase it all...

The Foreverbunny website may look swish but the website and shop cost time and very little money to arrange, all it needed was a digital camera for product shots, text and a few little tweaks and it was away. Combining this with a selection of Facebook promotion posts launched the whole thing mid-January. Domain, hosting, website, online shop and promotion all for the princely sum of, wait for it, £50, bargain! Foreverbunny Online at last.

FEBRUARY
Thoughts had started to turn to Spring as the nights started to get lighter, with it an addition to the Foreverbunny stable, the Garden range. Taking colours from a very Spring like palette Jayne created the Garden range to look completely different from the Scandinavian feel of the Classic Foreverbunny.

Silver plated springs added a more decadent look to the latest creations and switching the hearts to flowers completed the Garden feel.

So after five months of hard work Jayne attended a craft event yesterday to promote Foreverbunny and sold two cards in six hours such is the unpredictability of organised events. You know it didn't really matter, what really mattered was that she had done it all from scratch and that sense of achievement is difficult to knock and the reason I'm so proud at everything she does.

Yay Foreverbunny!

As a special thank you to everyone who has supported Foreverbunny over the last five months Jayne has given out a 5% discount code on her Facebook and Twitter pages, both of which can be found here :
Foreverbunny Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/foreverbunnyhome
Foreverbunny Twitter - https://twitter.com/ForeverbunnyUK

Randomness is just around the corner, Monday it's back and I'm off my rocker.

The Secret Art Of Cricket Fighting

Martial arts have been around for quite a while and are considered old hat I today's society, a new craze sweeping the nation is cricket, this combined with our need for unnecessary violence in our lives have led to Cricket Club, the secret society of Cricket Fighting. It only has one rule, LBW but that doesn't apply here.

We will skip weaponry, I'm sure you can already make a pair of makeshift nunchucks from a couple of wickets so we will get straight into the secret methods with 'How To Start And Win A Fight'

First choose you opponent, this can be done anywhere or anytime and some Cricket Fighters may find it easier after a drink. Take the stance shown above called 'The Challenge', then shout 'Oi, mate, you look at my pint?' or the more eloquent 'Lookin' at me or chewing a brick caus' either way yer lose yer teeth.'

Before they can answer pull the 'Tight Taunt' pose and shout 'Fink yer 'ard enough do ya?'. Notice how the right hand is already fist shaped.

Do not wait for a reply to your taunt, instead skip your legs into this position for the 'Stumper' and launch a devastating punch using the full force of your upper body. Aim for the jaw and shout 'Take that!' as you connect. Step back place your hand on your chin as if you are stroking a beard and laugh whilst nodding.

If your opponent fails to get up then skip to the last picture, if by any chance the old boy gets back up then you need to put the next stage into action.

'The Clouter' is a simple move to learn, take hold of your cricket batten that you carry always in your back pocket and raise it over your right shoulder as shown and say 'Want sum of this do ya? I'm gunna bat your balls over your shoulders'. Take one step forward.

And thwack! Twist your body in one lightening movement and concentrate your full force on the end of the bat with a scream of anger. Aim the blow between your opponents legs and watch them fly until they snap back as if they are on elastic. Occasionally they may detach but this can be considered a six, well played.

With your opponent defeated all the remains is the 'Scoop'. Frisk them down and remove any items of value to compensate for your insult. Return back to the club house and add a perfect century to your score. Occasionally you will accidentally challenge a fellow Cricket Fighter, this can be considered being 'Caught Out' and you should both shake hands before beating each other to a pulp. The winner in this case is the one to keep their teeth.

Cricket fighting is a dangerous art and should only be practiced by trained professionals or people familiar with Golf Grappling, the secret art of wrestling on the golf course.

Visit our website for more details www.cricketfighterswwfhulkbigdaddyultimatewarrior.ouch.that.hurt.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Loo Zoo

Over the years I have discovered to my delight that I share the studio with a varied range of creatures, a kind of studio zoo that was once described as a Shitzu, although I don't know how a breed of dog describes my small collection of creatures. Anyway, here's a few of my fellow studio companions that help with the long hours of isolation.

My first great find was this Pencilla Canius, I found it after hearing a feint bark from behind my easel. It lives on wood shavings and old paint, it's easy to find once you know what to look for. Simply follow any graphite style lines and invariably you will find one, although a lot immediately go into hiding on being found and they retract their limbs so they may be confused with a humble pencil.

This was a surprise, a Bristle Bear. I was painting away when I heard a scrubbing sound to my right. Looking over I saw this little fellow scrubbing away trying to tidy up some dried paint. I picked him up and treated him to a stubborn stain I had been trying to remove for months. He now takes care of all the cleaning duties in the studio overnight so every morning I wake up to a spanking clean place to work.

Mini Bunny has been hopping around in the studio for as long as I have been painting, he helps me with some of the finer brushstrokes and occasionally uses his feet and tail to paint in some of the backgrounds. His favourite colour is carrot orange.

Screw-U Bug only appears when you make a mistake. As if by magic it will crawl out of any hiding place to rub it in. Although it looks frightened in this picture they are actually using it as a form of sarcasm. When a couple are gathered together its collectively known as a Screw-U Too situation.

I have nearly lost fingers to this Zipper Snapper, it's prone to eating anything that comes within biting distance. That includes brushes, pens, fingers, hair, children and on one occasion a small Snauser called Colin. Can be temporarily disabled by pulling the side of its mouth causing a 'zipped up' expression, just don't be around when it manages to release itself again!

Dismal Derek is the opposite to the the Idea Ian Bulb, whereas Idea Ian appears whenever you have a flash of inspiration Dismal Derek is there all the other times casting darkness into your thoughts and making sure inspiration and creativity is always out of reach. He sometimes sits on my shoulder to shout encouraging depressive thoughts at me. His favourite catchphrase is 'Why bother?'. Occasionally Idea Ian and Dismal Derek fight which causes Confusion Colin to appear, then all hell breaks loose and I sit down to write the blog. Sheesh. Mood bulbs, can't live with them, can't live without them.

This fine Boodlebonce Bird always raises a smile when it appears. It makes no sound but amuses by appearing in the oddest of places at he most unexpected times. The down side is that it doesn't stay in the studio and has been known to appear in restaurants, toilet cubicles and on one occasion it bobbed along the edge of a desk during a visit to the doctors. Makes me smile though.

We all live with a varied collection of creatures such as this, if you are on Facebook and have a picture of a creature you have found post it for us all to see :)

Oh, just realised why its called a Shitzu...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Booty Pie

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rock Scissor Balls

You know it's gong to be one of those days when you venture out of the studio for supplies and the first thing you see is this. I have no doubt it does exactly what it says it's more about the implications that bother me. 'Cuts the THICKEST', wow, are we talking width, depth or height? Seriously I want to know at what point toe nail clippers become heavy duty and not garden shears. Anyway, I bought one out of curiosity and tried cutting various things resembling toenails such as plastic sheeting, ceramic tiles and of course the claws of a sabre toothed tiger. Of course I didn't buy one, I'm perfectly happy using the angle grinder on mine, why on earth would I want to ruin their natural beauty. Another thing, why are they called pliers when they cut? I want to trim them not bend them to shape in some funky way.

Anyway, it was a strange day and it all started with my warped Mr Benn moment, where as Mr Benn goes to a fancy dress shop, strips down to his smalls, chooses a costume and leaves through a different door to an adventure mine always seem to start with me stood in a public toilet with a random stranger. You can read into that what you will with your one track minds but mine is purely clean. I use a public toilet for convenience not adventure, although I have had my moments up and down the country. From naked men scrubbing up, banging on walls to Jayne only finding out it was a Welsh man when he asked me what I wanted 'boyo', to realising on one occasion that where I was stood I could see passers by and they could see me.

So imagine my unsurprised feeling when I was answering the call of nature and these three rolled down the trough towards me. Six feet to my right some old guy who decided to have a bit of fun and splash these my way, he didn't have to follow it with a wink though when I glanced his way in disgust. He obviously wanted me to 'knock 'em back', lord knows why the pervert. Anyway he left and I decided to snap this photo to show you how disgusted I was when he came back in and saw me taking this shot, this time he looked disgusted and almost mouthed the word pervert. Really, it was not a good start was it?

And so my day unfolded, the day before I had witnessed, truly witnessed something I had never seen before on the motorway. A car being towed at high speed by a car unsuitable for towing so some bright spark had decided to use a third car to push it along bumper to bumper to help. I digress, back to my day and a nice little tea room that served a fab bacon sandwich in quite unique surroundings, I always like it when you get the sugar served properly and if anybody calls me posh for liking sugar this way I shall ask you to attend my study where my footman will rebuke you severely.

The main reason for the blog though is another toilet, not just any toilet but a massively sumptuous one, bare in mind this was in a tea room, it had reading material, pictures, plates, mirrors and such an assortment of objects that it almost beaconed users to stay for a good twenty minute strain at a time. So just let me know if you ever fancy a posh poo or playing tiddle tennis, I have just the venues for you.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Product Pacement

In a vain effort to raise funds for the blog we are now allowing advertisers to tout their wares however dubious. Here's a few words from our sponsors.

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Should you wish to advertise on these pages simply send ten pounds and a naked picture of yourself to the usual address, sorry, pictures submitted cannot be returned and may be used for training purposes.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals