Loose Moose Fat Fighting Sooper Shoos

Right all you festive fun loving people, it's nearly the new year so I, the fitness moose will help you all to shed those extra few pounds you have put on over the holidays with my new product the Loose Moose Flab Fighting Sooper Shoos. Specially adapted footwear will enable you to do your normal tasks whilst burning away those extra calories.

Each Shoo has been tested for ultimate comfort and fitted with a patented tilting system causing you to correct your balance every step. It's these balance corrections that will cause your muscles to work overtime and shed calories as fast as you eat them. Results may vary as will the associated injuries from using these footwear incorrectly. For your chance to own this cutting edge fitness technology simply cut out this coupon and mail it to P.O.Box 62737262513.1 and pay no money now.

BONUS!

As part of our introductory Shoo offer you will also get our Food Fitness program of which you can find excerpts from below. Eat yourself to a better body with our scientifically proven system guaranteed to change your body shape. N.B. Results may vary and may not be what you expect.

Banana Bends

Who would have thought a simple banana would help you lose weight? Using just your hands pick up two bananas one in each hand as illustrated above. Using only your teeth try to peel each banana until the fleshy bits are exposed. This should take you a few minutes, feel free to gag as much as you like as the pithy stuff gets stuck in your clack. Once both are peeled eat them both at the same time by bringing your arms together in a arcing movement and force them into your mouth. Chew each piece twice, the object is to eat them both in less than ten seconds. Congratulations you have now started to lose weight.

How Does It Work?

It seems like magic but actually its based on sound principles, you had to hold a banana in each hand forcing you to use your teeth, this extra jaw motion burnt two calories whilst the gagging out of disgust burnt another one calorie. This combined with force feeding yourself made your jaws move faster and your heart rate increase as you found it difficult to breath. We all know an increased heart rate burns fat so the rest is simple fitness science, jaw movement + gagging + heart rate increase = fat burning! N.B. not suitable for monkeys and apes as they tend to cheat or indeed homosapiens of any age. Always follow the guidelines and don't replace bananas with marrows as injury could occur.

Remember, keep hydrated at all times, wine makes a good isotonic drink and should be consumed freely during Foodercise as its good for your heart or something.

Healthy Cookie Fat Reducing Smoothie

Take one pack of cookies and place them in a small tub.

Keep hydrated, drink a little more then carry on.

Add one full tube of low fat mayonnaise, this is important as it helps break down the fatty cookies.

Keep hydrated, it's really important!

Next, add to the cookie and mayonnaise a whole twelve pack of low fat crisps, this adds an extra 'crunch' to to your new power food. Shake it all around until the contents are entirely covered in mayonnaise. Get somebody to tie your hands behind your back and place the full tub on a sturdy table. Using only your mouth try to eat the entire contents of the tub safe in the knowledge that all the extra low fat content will offset the fatty cookies.

How Does It Work?

Because the crisps and mayonnaise are low fat they act as negative calories so you can easily offset any food be it cheese, pork scratchings or even chocolate by covering them in low fat mayonnaise and low fat crisps, it's a secret that food manufacturers have kept from us for years. We have added the extra excercising of eating without your hands to pimp up the negative calorie effects. After consuming your fat reducing smoothie it's perfectly normal to feel bloated and sick, it's all part of the fitness regime working with your body. For best results take the smoothie twice a day for six weeks, you will feel and look like a different person and people will comment. Probably.

The above is an excerpt from the multi award winning Foodercise - Eat More, Lose More, Gain More, Drink More, Grow More, Your Key To A New You, my free gift to you with each Sooper Shoo purchase, get yours today and start 2013 with a new Sooper Shoo You!!!

Ah, now I have got that out of my system I did notice this festive message on an advert over Christmas should you wish to borrow a few quid...

I'm really in the wrong business, anybody want a few quid to tie themselves over in the New Year? I have perfectly reasonable rates at only 277% APR. undercutting my competitors by £££ and I promise I won't kick down your door and empty your house if your default by as much as 1p. Probably.

I'll even throw in a Sooper Shoo, see, now your tempted!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Tufty Club

Things used to be so simple, a public information film starring Tufty the squirrel used to help us learn how to cross the road, an important skill presented in a memorable way. Stop, Look and Listen, three basic rules to extending your life when you are rushing over to the ice cream man before he drives off, so imagine my confusion when after all these years of understanding what a Belisha Beacon is and recognising its orange dome on a striped pole from Tuftys excellent tutorials to come across this during a brisk walk yesterday.

It's the love child of a street lamp beacon affair, you can even see the lamp looking guilty on the left. These things are huge, it's as though the designers couldn't be arsed to lower the height to match other street lamps so just stuck it on top at a rushed meeting on what would be the next must have street accessory, it's probably called something exotic too like a Bleacon or a Street Lamblecon which in some roundabout way brings me around to stumble on to today's blog theme...

A long time ago I was involved in a scheme, (actually a job rather than a scheme, a scheme sounds like a bid to take over the world) to create a new inner ring road in my home town of Mansfield. Its a long story but it involved a lot of surveying, using a porta cabin on site as my office, dealing with frozen toilets and climbing in the back of Tarmac lorries with a digital thermometer. During one memorable frozen toilet day where even the water from a boiled kettle couldn't unblock it I found myself flicking through a brochure.

It's not that I was looking for anything for the home or deciding on a mail order outfit as the brochure wasun inspiringly called 'The Best Of Street Furniture' and resembled a very posh catalogue. Can you imagine a sexy brochure selling litter bins and park benches? No neither could I but after flicking through the pages I became convinced I needed a powder coated polycarbonate bus shelter in my living room after seeing one seductively displayed outside a chip shop with several models enjoying the moulded seating included in the price.

Really, this was a whole new world, items that you pass everyday being touted as fashion accessories. Young couples tossing litter in a cast iron fake victorian litter bin, business men leaning on the latest urine proof lamp posts taking important calls on their stylish 80's brick telephones. Bollards with names like the Brunel and Churchill when really they looked like they should have been called Dominator and Destroyer due to their shapely curves. Even signs were given suggestive names like the Fingerpost and Header Boards. "I say Derek, did you order those pointing signs for the town centre?", "Certainly did Sir, I ordered a Fingerpost each and we both get a free Header with them, if we order three they will also give us a Shaft, a new retracting bollard they have designed."

Street benches were even better with names like the Recliner and The vandal proof Endurance, some even had names of towns and cities so if you went for a Westminster for example you got an ornate cast iron seat complete with lions and crests held together with oak timbers. If you chose the Mansfield you got two breeze blocks and a floorboard. Actually I was kidding with that one, you actually just got the breeze blocks to sit on.

Litter bins come with big beefy names to suggest they can digest litter at phenomenal rates, why buy a cast iron space saver when you could have instead a fireproof Elephant 150, seriously, a quick look on the web and we still have bins called Buffalo for sale and more awkwardly a dog waste bin called a Neptune, missed a trick there I think, it should have been called the Bad Fido or the Poocrate, not that many seem to be used now days judging by the amount of Poorniments we see hanging around.

Anyway, it seems it all runs out of steam when we get to bins created for cigarettes, they are simply called Ashtrays. How boring.

So in the interest of having nothing better to do I have decided to sex up my house and rename the furniture. So tonight I will sit down on my Cheeky Loungemaster Buttcaresser and watch a little bit of television whilst casting admiring glances over to my new acquisition the Essex EaZY Lay, a table of distinction. They all seem to fit in perfectly with my new Glasgow Tent hallway bus shelter and Jayne seems pleased with her new retractable Rampant bollard I've had installed in the kitchen. All in all I'm pleased with my purchases and I shall be ordering more in the new year.

And if you think today's blog is a load of bollards just wait until tomorrow, I'm almost at the bottom of the barrel.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

That's Amazing!

Today we celebrate all the achievements of 2012 with a quick look back at the people, products and events that shaped this memorable year.

In January Arthur T Grumple pictured above broke a world knitting record when he managed to complete a knitted bootie set and bobble hat in the amazing time of thirty minutes using only his spun chest hair. It was the first time the record for spun chest hair knitting has been broken since it was set by Edna Beard after her lightening sock knit in 2006 in which two people were injured by broken needles. Edna's chest hair socks have kindly been donated to Knittercity, the worlds biggest and greatest knitted chest hair museum.

After a cold February Ms T.Trimble became an overnight sensation after her YouTube video, 'How To Hula Hoop Using Just Your Neck' received 364 hits in one month. There followed a Hula Neck craze leading to hospitals being overrun by hula induced whiplash injuries. Ms Trimble remains unrepentant and followed it up in March with 'Crack Catch' a video explaining the mysteries of using your bottom cheeks to catch a variety of objects including footballs, cats and even pianos. Ms Trimble is currently appearing in the Pantomime Snow White where she can be seen catching the seven dwarfs betwixt her cheeks as they are fired out of a cannon.

April bought us a smile with Mable Scrubbable, who took on the world record for teeth cleaning. She heroically managed to brush her teeth for six days until she completely erased her head.

In June the annual Brush Bash took place in London. Pictured above is Sissy and Dotty just before the opening event. Over thirty women took part in the event which involved cat fights and hair pulling along with heated arguments over a dressing table. Sissy pictured left was the first lady to be knocked out when Dotty threw a particularly large soft hairbrush across the room hitting Sissy at the back of the head. Dotty subsequently said she deserved it for calling me a bitch under her breath the bitch.

Apple wowed the world with the latest gadget in August, the hands free iHead. This eagerly awaited device allowed Apple to directly control the thoughts of its users effectively turning them into iClones. A glitch in the mapping system caused mayhem at the launch after users reported believing they were in Peru and the geotagging location placed them in Narnia. Over forty million iHeads have since been sold and the latest add on iOwnyou has been heralded as the greatest thing since Apples last greatest thing. Some users have since returned their product after they realised you could not turn off the feature that automatically took your wallet out of your pocket and opened it in every Apple store after first checking your bank account details to see if you were fluid enough to enter in the first place.

The founder of Phooowar! magazine Arnold Letch celebrated it's thousandth issue by appearing as the centrefold nude holding just his walking stick. Never one to shy away from controversy this groundbreaking issue featured more fruit related erotic photographs than ever before and introduced for the first time the only existing picture of Arnold's most famous creations Naked Farm Fun Fondling Fruit Freely, a photo containing three goats, two pigs, an ostrich, seven bantam chickens, over a hundred melons, one suggestive banana, three kumquats, a rampant zebra and several pots of jelly. Witnesses report people uttering 'Mother of god!' before fainting in newsagents after accidentally seeing the picture.

In December all our dreams came true when engineers announced that they had managed to create a hover board made famous in the time travelling Back To The Future movies. The picture above shows their hoverbus version capable of carrying up to five passengers as they glide noiselessly around town. Remember, you have seen it here first!

Hover boards and hover buses will go into service after the technical faults have been ironed out such as the need to remove the gentlemen that help 'support' the levitation system. Experts predict that by 2013 we will all no longer walk but rather glide on superhighways called motorglides. The government has already announced funding to the tune of £3 billion and hailed it as the way forward comparing it to Betamax video cassettes as a games changer.

So an amazing year, if 2012 has been this great just what marvels does 2013 have in store!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

'Tis The Season To Be Grumpy

I'm absolutely knackered, delivering all those presents and stuffing my fat ass down all those chimneys really does tire me out. Over one night I put on three hundred and sixty two stone because of those damn mince pies, I burst throught the door into the arms of Mrs Claus in the early hours of Christmas Day only to be sent to the spare room because I was drunk again. It's a hazard of the job I said but it fell on deaf ears, it'll take me weeks to get over the hangover and months before I regain my svelt figure.

To make matters worse as I got the sled out on Christmas Eve I discovered I had a 'flat' when one of the reindeers had decided to party hard the night before and was found upside down in a pile of tinsel singing a rude version of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Rudolph was not amused and refused to come out of his dressing room until I pleaded with him and only then would he come out if he could wear his new bling antlers. Bloody primadonna, not content with leading the sleigh he also has a song written about him when all I get is 'Here comes Santa Claus' and have to dress up in a stupid red costume and laugh ridiculously with a Ho,Ho,Ho. Really, who laughs with a Ho,Ho,Ho? Do you know how difficult that is? Even Blitzen, a normally reliable reindeer got off his trolley when he heard the news that Rudolph, yet again, was to lead the sleigh at night and he had to stare at his smarmy backside for the next twenty two million miles.

In these times I have to be very cautious, I mean if I had to describe what I did for a living how would I get over the fact that I sneak into children's bedrooms at the dead of night unbeknownst to their parents and leave them a present from a stranger. I have had to give up smoking a cigar too, you can never be too careful.

At least I have a day off today before I get those bloomin pesky elves to start on next years presents. The things I have to endure, elf benefits, pixie bonuses, the endless squeaky voices and banging of hammers as they assemble the toys. Did you know it costs me more and more each year to insure them against injury? Only last week did I have a claim when an elf injured itself after falling off a rocking horse which it was stupidly using to reach a box of teddy bear ears, I ask you, elves are so stupid, it's no wonder they have so many accidents, have you seen the state of their footwear? Highly inappropriate but when I suggest steel toe caps they go on strike because they are not curly enough at the end.

So I think today I will sit in front of the television and soak my feet, the reindeers are absolutely knackered running all that way in the air and the sled needs new runners after a crash landing that took out three chimney stacks when Rudolph was distracted and decided to show off when we flew over the house of his idol Champion The Wonder Horse. It didn't help that I was absolutely smashed too, I really don't know how I got back home, the last thing I remember is Grimsby and falling into a Christmas tree.

Enjoy your break you lucky people, I'm off to bash a few elves and sort out your Christmas for next year, why oh why can't you all just be naughty for a change, it would make my life so much easier. Maybe you would like to buy me a present, I have just the thing. In fact I have made a list, I only want two things that would give me a quiet life...

Santas Christmas List

1. Sod

2. Off

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Yule Be Back

It's Christmas Eve and all is quiet, Bunnyopolis is on standby for a visit from Santa with Aaran, Jura and Iona all hanging bunny shaped stockings up in preparation and the Impossimals are all safely tucked away in the studio until next year. All that remains is for myself and Jayne to thank you all for your continued support with both the artwork and at the fantastic appearances we have had this year. A special thank you goes out to all the galleries that host our Impossimals and a final wish for you all to have a very merry Christmas indeed.

The blog will return on Boxing Day along with mince pies, turkey sandwiches and of course a further decline in blog standards. Keep up to date during the festive period by joining us on Twitter and Facebook to view the Christmas With The Impossimals LIVE event taking place at a small pigeon hole, number 104 in London.

Have a great one and see you soon!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Guidelines For Christmas

After the killjoy stories appearing in today's news warning us of the perils of enjoying ourselves over the festive period I have decided to candidly reveal the real risks of too much fun and how to avoid it.

Christmas Day

Opening presents can be hazardous, make sure your family is safe from the perils of excitement by assigning a member of the public to open them on your behalf from behind a screen of some sort. The 'opener' can then dispel any excitement on your behalf and you avoid the stress you may endure when opening a particularly good or bad present. Excessive unwrapping has been shown to lead to smiles, unexpected thrills and occasionally joy, all should be avoided as they cause over excitement, heart problems and possibly death a government survey has announced.

The average person will consume over sixty two pounds of lard, drink the equivalent of twenty six pints of sherry and eat three Christmas crackers during the day before slumping down in front of the television to watch the Queen over the top of their stomach. Avoid enjoying your Christmas day meal by drinking heavily for breakfast, this saves 1,200 calories that a fried breakfast would normally contain. Carry on drinking heavily until you pass out around twelve'o'clock, by the time you wake up around eight at night you will have avoided all the fat and calories from the Christmas Day meal making you fit and healthy and ready to treat yourself to a drunken fry up and all those Christmas leftovers like the yard of chocolate and sixty two bags of crisps waiting for you. You can then tell so called do-gooders that you had a healthy Christmas Day and laugh at them for being so silly eating what they liked when government guidelines indicate that a blow out at Christmas seriously puts you at risk of diabetes, heart disease, tennis elbow and delirium bought on by enjoying yourself and in no way does your diet for the rest of the year have any bearing on any of this.

Boxing Day

A day specifically bought in to resolve Christmas Day family disputes with a healthy six rounds in the ring has now degenerated into a day of leftovers. Leftovers no matter how they are stored leads to food poisoning, eat leftovers at any point and you will die local government guidelines predict. Further government advice suggests that any food if left unattended for more than five minutes out of a fridge will show signs of bacteria growth and will become unfit for consumption. Sandwiches show dangerous 'curls' at the corners when they are ready to attack whilst mugs of tea go dangerously luke warm before becoming poisonous. Dr Anabelladelladingdong leading supermarket profit analysis professional from the University of Blackpool suggest throwing all food away the minute you stop eating and replace it will fresh supermarket produce.

New Years Eve

Drinking heavily in celebration has been revealed to be the main cause of drunkenness and should be avoided at all costs. A spokesman from the governments health agency recommends nothing more than a small peppermint tea around 4pm should be fun enough to last you the whole night anything stronger such as earl grey or the addictive drug coffee should be avoided completely and it is also recommended to retire to bed before the midnight hour and to record any festivities onto your digital recorder to watch calmly the next day. Should you find yourself unable to avoid New Year's Eve parties then take with you a snuggie and sit in a corner wearing it singing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' softly to yourself until either the party ends or you are taken home out of pity.

New Years Day

Scientists have revealed in the latest government funded report that drinking is the main cause of hangovers in this country. If you have a hangover new guidelines indicate that from 2013 onwards you will be struck off the NHS list, unable to see a doctor or a dentist and will be reported to your insurance company who will make your life insurance null and void whilst bumping up your premiums now that you have become a serious health risk. Any Facebook, Twitter or Google+ pictures or statuses that you have uploaded will be stored indefinitely and used as proof at a later date of your incapability to be a model citizen.

Now that you have made it through into the New Year you can look forward to a year in which we at the government like to call 'less is more' a promise we can keep.

P.S. if your name is Peter Smith, we would like to inform you that when we sent you three contradicting letters the other day messing your bin collection about we also failed to mention that the collection of your green bin for yesterday, although it was listed, was cancelled, so you will now get no collection of household waste for nearly three weeks allowing your turkey carcass from Christmas Day to completely rot down before we take it. We also recommend you avoid eating it for this period as it may cause stomach upsets. Don't worry though, our inefficiency has made you the butt of your neighbours jokes as you ashamedly wheeled your full bin back last night after a day of it living on the street alone. Enjoy your stinky bins. Yours Lo. Cal. council.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

An Impossimal Christmas LIVE

So the Mayans got it wrong and the DFS sale hasn't ended today which was disappointing, so to blow away that end of the earth feeling why not enjoy Christmas With The Impossimals Live. As part of an initiative from Marketreach by Royal Mail, a set of pigeon holes have been set up to act as a social network. Members can mail items to their pigeon hole which will then be photographed and shown under your pigeon hole number online at www.welcometoreal.com, mines number 104 and the fun is about to begin.

Last week I finally mailed my Real experience, instead of opting to post things about my life or places I have been I decided to turn my pigeon hole into a stage set and have the Impossimals perform over the course of a few weeks a small sketch. It took a lot of preparation, around seventy seperate pieces make up the show and I mailed them in seperate envelopes along with written instructions and photos to enable the guys at Real to recreate what I had done I the studio. Yesterday it all began with three changes, Tweeted live, which you can find at either @WeLoveReal or at #ImpossimalChristmas The envelopes containing the pieces have been purposely split so as not to reveal the next part to the guys at Real, I wanted them to be in on the experience too although by the last envelope they may be tested on their balancing Impossimal skills!

So here's the beginning of our story, a Whoosh!! From the chimney, who on earth could it be?

I see two little legs, could it be the big man himself? Find out later by joining @WeLoveReal, following #ImpossimalChristmas, checking out pigeon hole 104 on www.welcometoreal.com or wait for my tweets and posts on Facebook later today.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Hoff Yourself A Very Merry Christmas

If like me you always have the perfect Christmas with perfect food, presents and me then you should give me a call, if not, all you other non-Hoffs can follow my handy guide to Christmas. Ho Ho Hoff and away we go!

Christmas dinner for the Hoff is a perfect plate on a perfect table in a perfect house in a perfect world, Hoff world, to save you from yourself here's a guide on what type of Christmas cook you are and how to avoid a un-Hoff Christmas disaster.

If your Christmas dinner looks like this then you are what I call a 'drowner'. Overcooked veg and limp slimy meat partially saved by a large Yorkshire pudding is then hidden under a Tsunami of gravy that has started to separate into fat around the edges. This is un-Hoffy, it should resemble my massively chiseled handsome features, stare at a picture of me until you understand the Hoff and try again or learn to cook Beef Stroganhoff.

If you serve this you are too Hoff to handle. Man, the beauty of waffles instead of potatoes and luncheon meat wrapped sausages and frozen mixed veg is Hoff the scale, well done, you can sit at my table anytime. I might even show you my pocket Kitt.

Only the Hoff can serve deconstructed food because only the Hoff is awesome enough in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the bedroom, dang, I'm awesome everywhere don't hassle the Hoff with this bring me something Hoff the scale like a burger.

This is more like it, there is nothing more satisfying for the Hoff than settling down in my perfect body to chow down on a Pot Noodle and to finish off with a banhoffie pie. The ideal meal to share with your other Hoff on Christmas Day and whilst you dream about me as you eat your banhoffie pie you must listen to the Hoff and his special choice of music and gifts.

You can't get more Christmassy than this, listen to classics like All I Want For Christmas Is Hoff and The Hoffy And The Ivy sang by my friend who helped me bring down the Berlin Wall, penned 'Freedom' with me and advised me to wear a jacket filled with Christmas lights many years ago.

Straight Hoff the peg is my special Christmas jumper to cover my superb muscular body, get ready to get Hoff on this girls, nobody fills a jumper like the Hoff.

Hoff the time spent in the kitchen this Christmas with my self propelled rolling pin, the perfect kitchen aid accompaniment whilst you drink a hot cup of Hoffee.

The Hoff doesn't forget the little ones either, how about this attractive toy, it's only Hoff price at the moment an Hoffer you can't refuse.

As one final surprise I, the Hoff have allowed all my chest hair to be donated and turned into these attractive dog wigs. Sure enhoff they will be available shortly from my online store Hoffelujah.hoff, only one per customer. Wear the Hoff, feel the Hoff, worship the Hoff you know you want to, some like it Hoff.

Hoff yourself a very Merry Christmas, I'm logging Hoff but will return, you cant keep a good Hoff down.

Today's blog entry bought to you by the Hoff Outreach Foundation Family or HOFF for short.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rubbish

Bare with this one, it does get funny but you have to trawl through this first...

It's not very often I rant on here, well, yes it is actually but that's not the point, excuse me whilst my dial gets turned up to ten.

Before I continue with Knob Twiddlers Christmas Day listing I would just like to thank my local council for sending me three letters yesterday informing me that my bin collection has shifted. After carefully using a bin change chart supplied by the council in their 'lifestyle' magazine to work out when my next collection is these three letters which plopped through my letterbox took me into the twilight zone as each contradicted the chart and indeed each other. So I can now sleep peacefully knowing all my Christmas wrapping paper in my recycle bin will not be collected for nearly three weeks whilst my household waste bin will indeed be collected on Wednesday 2nd January or Thursday 3rd depending on which letter you read even though they all dropped through the letterbox on the same day and are all dated the same day. Its like working to the Mayan calendar, maybe the world is going to end on Friday as predicted, best not worry about the bins then.

Before I forget, thank you too for bringing to my attention in all the letters that my bin will not be collected if the lid is, god forbid, slightly open or I leave any additional waste nearby that may have accumulated through waiting an extra week and enjoying Christmas festivities involving wrapping paper. I'd wish you all a Merry Christmas but I believe that Christmas has now been moved to the middle of Easter or is that the middle of June? I seem to have mislaid the letters that updated my calendar. It's always nice to see my council tax is being used in an efficient and worthwhile manner and I congratulate you on the way two pieces of information have been skilfully crafted to warrant three letters complete with postage when silly old me would have just used one letter which would have been checked before being sent out.

Click!, dial set back to my usual level one, just don't ask me to tell you about charges for bin collections we endure, the mysterious street sweeper that refuses to sweep part of our street time and time again because it would involve an extra ten seconds of work and the ridiculous offer of hosting a grit bin on our property which we would not be able to use to grit the path to the grit bin so potential grit spreading neighbours don't slip and fall on our property because it is on our property and the grit is for the highway not property use.

Ok, the dial may have slipped back up to eight so I will leave you with a bit of valuable (genuine) advice from the council regarding Christmas crime. 'If two cars are next to each other and one is stuffed with Christmas gifts and the other is empty offenders will choose to break into the one where they can see there is something to be taken' Thanks for that Sherlock but what do I do when I get home? Do you have any advice for me? 'Well, yes I do, think about not putting presents out until Christmas Eve, it will add to the surprises and keep potential burglars away.' Gee, thanks for that, maybe I should consider chucking away all my opened presents on Christmas Day after I have had the surprise, that way by getting rid of my new acquisitions I'm avoiding tempting burglars yet again. Merry Christmas.

Your handy TV Guide Pt 2

Christmas Day

10:00am Gordon's Christmas Cookalong Live - Follow tirade after tirade as Gordon teaches you to swear at your turkey and hurl abuse at relatives, all useful skills for later on in the day when the grim reality that you are not having that perfect Christmas sinks in and you open that bottle of scotch.

11:00am The Snowman And The Snowdog (Repeated endlessly until the New Year) In a sequel to the incredibly popular grim Snowman thirty years later the snowman returns to kidnap another unsuspecting child using his dog to entice him out at the stroke of midnight. After another 'trip' he visits more dancing snowmen before extracting revenge on the original snowman using an hairdryer.

12:00pm Classic Top Of The Pops - Edited version, all DJ's replaced by a cartoon cigar smoking pig.

1:00pm FILM Scrooge - Ebeneezer is visited by three ghosts who compliment him on his penny pinching skills and convince him to start his own bank and become a member of the county council. Bob Cratchit is kicked out of his house and Tiny Tim is forced to sell his crutches after going overdrawn at Scrooge PLC to the tune of one penny. Heart warming classic.

3:00pm The Queen - This years traditional message follows on from the Queens parachute jump for the Olympics as she teams up again with Bond to tackle SMERSH in the tunnels beneath Buckingham Palace, tunnels the Queen secretly uses to shop at Lidl. Contains graphic violence, strong language, crowns, corgis and horrific ears. Oh, and a horse. At least it looks like a horse but one can never be too sure can one.

5:00pm You've Been Framed - A short program on the perils of framing. Watch video after video of framers 'getting it wrong' as they mis-cut mount board, try to mount items in unusual shapes and use coloured frames on black and white photographs.

7:00pm Emmerdale - In a revenge attack to win the soap awards the cast of Emmerdale join in the fighting at Coronation Street and bring with it several new disasters to our Christmas screens with rampaging cows, out of control tractors and rabid sheep cumulating in a death match in t'top field.

8:45pm Downton Abbey - Stylised period drama in the style of a modern day soap, expect perambulator crashes, tipping of hats and décolletage shots aplenty.

9:00pm That Dog Can Dance! - Clutching at entertainment straws in an in-depth look at the lowest of Britain's Not Got Talent. Stretched out to an hour this excruciating show will test your patience in the quality of national television. Rating - Poke your eyes out.

11:00pm Worlds Strongest Man - Watch nearly bursting competitors compete in Herculean tasks such as pulling a big thing, picking up big things and tossing big things all given exciting names like Dead Lift and Giant Dumbbell Press. Marvel as their veins expand to popping point, they run out of oxygen and strain muscles whilst grunting and groaning. A bit like going to the toilet on Boxing Day then.

1:00am The Jeremy Kyle Show - Extreme dentist edition. Witness shocking gnashers attached to heartwarming individuals with nothing better to do than air their laundry live on television in an attempt to get the attention they miss at home. Today's edition features Carl, the young dad of twenty five miniature ponies all claiming income from the government and the results of a DNA test to decide if five hundred stone Tracey's blood is actually gravy.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bumper

Your pocket guide to Christmas Day television and beyond, simply use our patent screen scissors to cut out your computer or laptop screen to have this free guide to Christmas always handy.

Christmas Eve

9am Sinbad And The Eye Of The Chicken - Sinbad stumbles from a fantastic voyage battling mythical creatures into a well known chicken drive through restaurant only to find his Chicken burger is looking back at him. A fight ensues and Sinbad discovers there's more to his burger than he first thought as he uncovers a secret lips, eyes and arsehole processing factory. Disgusted he releases the Kraken in revenge and opens an ethical restaurant in Hull.

1pm Cash In The Attic - We visit celebrities with the HMRC for a Christmas tax avoidance special and find out just how much untaxed cash they really stuff in the attic and under their beds. Special guest appearance sponsored by Starloadsabucks.

2pm FILM - Santa Clause - When Santa falls down a chimney a legal battle ensues as Santa sues the entire population of the world for having unsafe chimneys and householders for enticing him with booze leading to alcoholism and mince pies leading to diabeties. Using legal aid Santa manages to win his case forcing banks to pay out billions in compensation, governments to announce austerity cutbacks worldwide and banks to ask for bail outs. As we slide as a nation into anarchy Santa sues again, this time for not allowing for his disabilities and failing to supply parking facilities for his sled and reindeers. Another win for Santa further squeezes the coffers and budgets to schools, hospitals, the emergency services and highway maintenance leaving the government no option but to announce will the last one to leave the UK please turn off the light. Entertaining! 5/5 *****

5pm Strictly Dancing On Ice In The Jungle - Dant and Eck, our chirpy presenters take seventy three has been celebs through several trials as they attempt to foxtrot wearing ice skates over crocodile infested pools whilst eating kangaroo gonads. Vote lines are now open dial 0800 YES-PLEASE to vote yes and make sure that we throw Dant and Eck to the crocs.

6pm The Snowman - Shown every year its a sad tale of a disillusional boy who has no friends and has to make them out of snow. Uncaring parents let him cavort about outside wearing nothing but his pyjamas and allow him to open his door to a naked stranger wearing just a hat and a scalf in the dead of night, a stranger that sinisterly tries out his parents false teeth before abducting the boy. A drug fuelled sequence shows the turmoil in the boys head as he experiences a flying sensation and dancing snowmen before being dumped infront of a jolly drunk who entices him with the promise of a present. Cert 18 - May contain disturbing drug induced scenes and a death sequence at the end.

7pm Coronation Street - In a family Christmas special a posse of Eastenders invade the street in an attempt to win this years soap awards. Gail Platt throws the first punch at Peggy Mitchell who retaliates by setting fire to Ken Barlows hair, twenty six fights occur simultaneously as the street erupts into Christmas violence when it is revealed that Pat Butcher is the love child of Ena Sharples and Arthur Fowler. A tram crashes through the flimsy sets whilst a multi car pileup causes mayhem in the shop when it tips over a display of tea bags. Featuring four plane crashes, three murders, two affairs and a partridge in a pair tree this episode will bring a smile to everyone this Christmas.

9pm A Christmas Nativity - Problems abound at Canterbury Cathederal when a donkey bought in to stand next to the manger goes berserk knocking baby Jesus to the floor and stamping on several wise men before being restrained. A delightful modern production guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye even if it's just for a wish for it to end.

9:30pm Lets Rev Your Kid Up - A program special designed to get your kids ripped up to maximum excitement levels so they play you up when you tell them it's time for bed. Guaranteed to make sure they wake up every twenty minutes from 1am to check for Santa.

12pm Carols From Westminster - Hopefully 24,365 Carols will attend this yearly event to try and break last years record of 22,615 Carols in one place. Participants must bring their birth certificate along on the day as proof of being a Carol. Our most popular broadcast will take you through the Carols as they file in and out of Westminster and are counted along the way. Rivetting stuff.

Tomorrow we have Christmas Day covered.

TV listings courtesy of Knob Twiddlers Weakly, your only guide to Knob Twiddling.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fab

Sunday was the last Christmas With The Impossimals event at the Original Art Shop in Trentham Gardens and it went out with a bang. Oodles of collectors came along on the day to the Impossimal filled gallery making for a memorable four and a half hours of packed story telling, picture dedicating, collector meeting Impossimal fun. We were quite lucky to have two originals to finish off the four event special, 'Yummy Mummy' (centre top) and the original to 'The Lovers' (centre bottom) which we only managed to secure last minute and a plethora of rare pieces.

The gallery was packed and stayed packed the whole event, very quickly gaps started to appear on the walls as Impossimals found new homes and we extended the appearance to cope with the crowds and had to introduce a ticket system as the gallery got even fuller!

So a fantastic end to four great events. We have met loads of new collectors along the way and enjoyed it immensely.

We even decorated a few baubles so to speak, this little Impossimal reindeer (but not the bauble) will be shortly making an appearance in the Impossimal Christmas Story in my pigeon hole at www.welcometoreal.com.

A big thankyou to everyone that came along to the events, thanks to all the galleries involved and of course it goes without saying that we both hope you all have a great Christmas and a happy New Year!

The blog returns to its normal madness tomorrow as I spiral out of control and return to the studio.
Brace yourself!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals