Patiently Shopping

I walked along looking in all their windows. A nice selection of costume jewellery caught my eye and I pondered over a small brooch when my nose caught a whiff of something tempting. Coffee. Next door to the jewellery shop was Costa, I breezed in and made a purchase. Coffee is better with something to read so it was quite handy to have a newsagents next door. This was the life, shopping all under cover, there was even parking although you did have to pay for that. Further on I passed a few vending machines and mooted over a Kitkat chunky but by now I needed to sit down. Fortunately I had reached my destination and a nice row of chairs beckoned me.

You wouldn't have guessed it would you but I have just described a walk through a hospital. Yes, they have shops, Costa and god knows what else when all you really need is care not concessions. Yesterday we had to visit A&E with Jaynes mother after a random phonecall early yesterday morning which was also the reason there was no blog.

It's been a long, long time since I have been in a hospital as I tend to avoid them. An avoidance which sprung from being given an overdose by a junior nurse that knocked me out for eighteen hours and before that left bleeding face down in a bathroom after nasal surgery, hospitals and me are not compatible. Boy has it changed though, I nearly turned around as I entered thinking I had mistaken an out of town shopping outlet for a hospital, since when do you need costume jewellery in a medical emergency? I walked around in wonder. Apart from the odd person striding speedily through the shopping area in some kind of uniform you would not know you were in a medical facility at all. It seems commercialisation has really bitten hard.

I suppose that would explain the slots on the wheelchairs that look uncannily similar to the pound coin slots on supermarket trolleys. Right next to A&E we passed a small selection of staff vehicles, around six to be precise with an accumulated value of around half a million pounds. It's always heartwarming to see such a display of wealth so close to a cash strapped overworked A&E.

The A&E department itself was efficient and inpersonal for the main although the doctor we finally managed to see was a jolly fellow with a fine bedside manner, humour and compassion. The visit disturbed me though. Sat in A&E I noticed a welcome leaflet, inside it explained everything from your rights to how patients are treated in order according to severity. These leaflets were distributed widely and worked as a quick introduction until you turned it over and found this.

On the back page of the Hospitals welcome leaflet, I'll say that again, WELCOME LEAFLET was a full page advert for personal injury solicitors. Hi, welcome to our hospital, why you are sat there in misery contemplating dark thoughts why not think about suing the ass off everyone involved. Broke your leg when you fell off your bike? No problem, lets sue the shop that sold you the bike, the bike manufacturer for making such a dangerous item as a bike, the ancestors of the Penny Fathing inventor for coming up with something so lethal and finally the hospital for making you sit uncomfortably for more than five minutes. We sat in silence listening to another couple weighing up who they could sue for a minor hand injury that needed little more than a plaster and just how much they could get, it was sickening. You only had to look around though.

In the centre of the room was this board, it has small advertisements for charities such as Childline, Bliss, the Heart Foundation and the services they offer apart from the six stand out items in the middle, they offer yet again personal injury lawyers complete with take away business cards. Welcome to 2013, it sucks.

I perused a few other leaflets scattered around. The government has produced a series of high profile ones following the theme of healthy living. I flicked though the healthy eating one, heavy on sensible advice but I wonder how many would really take notice when to the left of me was a vending machine full of nothing but chocolate and bags of crisps? Around the corner was another machine with a small selection of bottled water and a large selection of fizzy drinks. Mixed messages? Don't offer me advice and temptation within ten feet of each other. Are we talking common sense or money? Probably the latter. I read a leaflet on problem drinking and was bitterly disappointed to not find a machine dispensing cans of lager, don't you hate double standards.

It seemed quite inappropriate to pass people in the corridors clutching cups of branded coffee and eating chocolate bars whilst incapacitated patients were being wheeled around with drips. We had to stop at a corridor junction as an obvious emergency case was rushed by, not a pretty sight and my heart gave a bit of a leap. A family opposite stopped too to make way and looked on as if they were watching their favourite reality show, even pointing as they passed whilst munching their way through a bag of crisps and slurping their coffee. Not a flicker of emotion and they strode away possibly looking to buy that nice set of earrings they saw earlier.

The whole hospital experience felt a little like a product, personally I think this type of commercial approach runs the risk of separating the medical staff from patients and the shopping centre feel helps to desensitise the general public to the real and great work a hospital does, I don't agree with it but then again there is very little I can do about it either.

Sigh.

OMG. I just remembered another reason I'm not compatible with hospitals, I was a practice pin cushion when I had my appendix out. After eight, yes, eight attempts at a needle being stuck in my arm I eventually passed out. My appendix surgery occurred some time in the wee hours of the morning where I was slashed away and sewn up again in some weird manner. Over twenty three years later the skin still looks like It was cut open using those peculiar zigzag scissors and the three stitches looking like little '6's are still there in the form of scars. Brutal. You know what's worse? They didn't even have a jewellery store back then, how shocking is that?

OMG, three sixes? That explains the hoofs.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Trotting Clippers

I'm Dixie Normous owner and stylist at Trotting Clippers an exclusive hair studio in the heart of Mansfield. We offer competitive clips, comfortable clops and styles you wouldn't believe, we are stylists to the stars and are the first to offer the 'Rip Strip' the excruciating painful way to have a perfect bikini line using superglue and an old dish cloth.

This is Liberace Sweet Cheeks our top stylist, he's most famous for working along side John Wayne during his film career.

As you can see he has produced some stunning designs. Over the years from our shop in Mansfield, just down from the old Tesco's and up two flights of stairs, pop the light on and climb the step ladder in the attic and your there, we have built up a roster of famous barnets sculptured to perfection here at Trotting Cloppers.

After many years of practice we came up with the Justin, here shown on our current model. We came up with this now famous hairstyle for no other than Roger Moore who needed something to accompany his massive eyebrows.

Doesn't he look stunning! Roger loved this hairstyle so much he bequeathed it to the entire music industry and is paraded today by some of the biggest or smallest stars depending on which way you look at it. Although we don't hold it responsible for writing inappropriate comments in visitor books or indeed anything to do with monkeys.

Our biggest claim to fame is the restyling for George Lucas of the entire Star Wars cast, underneath all that makeup for the very first time we can reveal the real look of Star Wars.

In my new book Star Wars - Beneath The Helmets I show you stunning photos taken on set a few of which are shown here.

Darth had a serious problem, he was worried he wasn't going to be taken seriously when threatening to destroy the Rebel Alliance and decided what he needed was a new look. We suggested this lovely blond sweep, not quite Farrah Fawcet but subtle enough to give Darth a whole new image and boy did he feel fabulous. Feel the force of this baby, this will light up your sabre. Hubba Hubba!

Peter Cushion, ever the joker decided on this outlandish style, a style mirrored by Katy Perry many years later after we showed her this photo just last week when she popped in to say hello as she did her weekly shop at Lidl. Apparently they are doing three tins for two in their hotdog range Katy informed us. Peter would sashay onto set in a long red dress before donning his working gear and acting up a storm. Way to go Peter, what a diva!

Han was more of a problem, we needed him to look macho, tactile, vulnerable and sexy all at the same time so we crossed a 'Justin' with an 'Owen' to give him his own 'Hans Off' style. Just look at that pout, work it baby!

In my next book Raiders Of The Lost Wig I will reveal more insider secrets when I tell you all about the outlandish requests of Indiana Jones, some will make your toes curl. Here's a sneak preview of what was really under Indianas hat during filming...

Finally we offer a pet grooming service, should your pet require a Petwig or would like a 'Justin' to pop on down. No fur too big or small, prices from £2.45 for a short back and sides to £5.64 for a full Lady Gaga.

Yay! Trotting Clippers, because you're worth it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Trees

It was always the pan to upgrade Bunnyopolis so this weekend stage one started now that the threat of snow has subsided. With Spring finally in its way it is time to replace last years picnic table now that it has started to show serious signs of wear. Aaran, Jura and Iona love it, when I took it out of Bunnyopolis last night they followed me around the garden obviously worried that it wasn't coming back making me feel so guilty even though I'm building them a new one so I placed it back in until the replacement is ready. They really know how to play the guilt card.

Anyway, we did manage to alter a few other things and make it a bit more fun for them.

In went two apple trees surrounded by some Scottish cobbles and several bedded in larger cobbles. OK, it's not much but it's just a start and they soon settled into their new surroundings. Still to be added is a bench, for us not them although it will be at a bunny friendly height and a new bunny bridge I'm building which should replace their favourite picnic table, either that or there's going to be three sulky rabbits. A few more plants to brighten everything up and a small wooden flexible toy made from fruit wood. This is in addition to the original Bunnyopolis which if you didn't know looks like this...

Bunnyopolis - plenty of room to live, play and generally be bunny and on a day like this it looks even better.

To the left is the open run, secured with wire and removable Perspex screens ideal for keeping out all the nasty weather. It's filled with straw which they can dig and move around to their hearts content. They can often be found like minature diggers, both paws stretched out in front pushing piles of the stuff into corners to make a bed. Middle right you will see a small bunny flap in the wall, that leads...

Into the living quarters complete with artwork of course, vet bed, low level heating, triple carpets and more importantly to keep things nice and clean...

The hay bar and twin toilet trays, both of which they like to sit in and eat. Very clean, they never bother anywhere else and they just replicate their natural instinct.

Finally a storage area which houses all the hay, usually four large bales, newspapers and assorted other items required for looking after our three continental giant rabbits. Everything has to be upscaled, tomorrow they are going for their inoculations (don't tell them!) and for that we have to use a purpose built carry case along with reinforced handles, all together around four and a half stone of bunny to lift. To the right you can see Bunnycam and left of the clock is homemade dried apple, carrot and compressed grass rings, the only treats they get as their diet consists of hay, hay, more hay, free grass and quality pellets. Doing it this way and not using a prepared rabbit mix stops selective feeding and encourages the natural rabbit digestive process.

That's it, Bunnyopolis, twice the size of my studio, something not quite right with that!

And what do Aaran, Jura and Iona think?

Well, here's Jura enjoying a bit of morning sun on a small shelf I built wondering why the hell I'm photographing and not doing something useful like feeding her banana or dried apple.

And judging from this picture it looks like a thumbs up from Iona who bounced, binkied and generally skipped away to her hearts content through the latest additions.

Aaran however just loves to look gorgeous in his big ears, never mind Bunnyopolis look at me!

Bunnyopolis, built from the rabbit up.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Weather Or Not

Last night we returned from Jayne's Foreverbunny event at the Derbyshire Eco Centre in good spirits. It had been a great day, plenty of things happening, lots to see and do all with fine food served throughout so we looked forward to Sunday, our second day only to be disappointed.

The weather sucked. Not only did it suck but Sky, BBC, Met Office, Accuweather and numerous other tomes of weather information all predicted the same thing more or less. A lashing of heavy rain and possible flooding overnight followed by a consistent stream up until 3-4pm on Sunday. A washout. We checked and checked the weather right up to 10pm last night and unfortunately we had to make the discision that standing out in the open with just a gazebo between us, the wooden and fabric Foreverbunnies and heavy rain was not a great idea.

We typed an email and cancelled it for today. The car was unpacked, the stock back in the system and went to bed.

So imagine our disbelief and frustration when we woke up this morning to glorious sunshine, no rain and a temperature rise of another eight degrees from yesterday and too late to do anything about it!

Really, how can they get it so wrong? I could understand if there was still a few showers and it was a little chilly but hey, it's full on sunshine! So, I'm sat writing this to glorious sunshine, a little wind and temperatures climbing to 25 degrees here in the conservatory thinking, damn, what a crock the met office is.

I know weather can be unpredictable but the must have been a hint that rain was going to turn into blue skies or am I missing something? According to a report in one of the newspapers earlier this year it suggested that most weather giving information should be taken as vague at the very least as predictions can be difficult. Not great news if you are wondering if you should take a brolly or sun tan cream with you when you go out.

Yesterday a gentlemen came to our Forevebunny marquee and we talked about the weather, it had started to drizzle and we voiced our concerns for the next day. Don't worry he said, it will be fine and sunny but windy, we however had our doubts, after all we had the latest technology to tell us. Today we are thinking how did he know? Well, he was a farmer and didn't rely on television, weather apps or as he put it professional storytelling instead he used his vast knowledge of the seasons and a barometer he had kept for over fifty years.

Experience it seems can predict more than technology.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bin'n'Gone

Tomorrow may be Saturday or again Saturday might not come after Friday. It's possible it may be Thursday But that's open to change. Tomorrow is Saturday.

OK, you have just read a load of bullocks, something very similar to the gobbledygook letter I received from the council yesterday regarding my bin collection. Before I start if I wanted to inform a household that a bin collection day is changing I think I would say something along the lines of 'Dear Resident, as of 15th April your brown garden wast pe bin will be emptied on a Thursday. If you have any questions etc..' Quite simple you would think but oh, no, that's too simple, lets build up hope before dashing it to the floor. Here's the letter I received.

Dear Resident,

RE: Possible change to your brown bin collection day.

RE:? What the hell is RE:? It's not an email you are replying too and it's not a question I have asked so why have you RE'd me? And let me get this right you are saying a 'possible' change, does that mean its going to change or not? I'd better read on...

'As of 15th April the day your brown garden waste bin is emptied might be changing.'

Might? Might be changing? You are sending me a letter to tell me that my bin collection could possibly and might be changing? Is it changing or not, don't be afraid just tell it like it is, I can take it!

'Your collection day will be THURSDAY in the same week as your BLUE bin'

Ahh, so you have just built false hopes up that it 'might' change and it 'possibly' could only to dash them all and tell me in one frank statement that it is changing. Not only that you have highlighted irrelevant points by changing them to capitals so it looks like YOU ARE SHOUTING. If I scanned this quickly to pick out the important highlighted information I would have only read THURSDAY BLUE and unless you are planning to put on some sordid show for the residents of Mansfield I think it would be more appropriate to highlight relevant brown bin changing information.

Dear Council,

RE: Letter from you regarding Thursday Blue

I was thrilled after scanning your recent missive to my household that you are planning to hold Blue Thursdays for the residents of Mansfield. This type of thing has been needed for so long to bring a smile to people's faces during these tough times. Knowing how difficult it is to book good acts for these events I thought you would like the relevant information to help you on your way. These are several 'entertainers' that I can thoroughly recommend, many of which 'GO ALL THE WAY'

Glad to be of service and can I possibly be guaranteed a front row seat at the first event?

Martha Pole Hugger and her Rampant Reptile - Top act banned in several cities

Bend Over Backwards Billy - Fires snooker balls from places you would never believe.

Slinky Slapper - Pure class from a thirty stone diva, comes with her own mud bath.

Sincerely,

A.Happy Resident.

P.S. Is my bin collection day changing or not?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pass

Think back, no, way, way back to a time when we had it easy. How is that possible you may say, for today everything is at hand, mobile phones, iPads, digital downloads and much much more at the touch of a button so how could we have had it easier than today way back then?

Well, it's down to one thing. Passwords.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of cataloging my password collection, I call it a collection for it has now exceeded seventy. I have passwords for social media, stores, digital downloads, mail, personal website access, bank accounts, gaming accounts, energy suppliers, both mobile and static phone companies, supermarkets and oodles more for each and every business I have ever bought a product from. In total 76, all different and it seems to grow weekly and on top of that you give me PIN numbers to remember too.

The must be a critical mass of passwords and pin numbers that you can mentally handle, it really is getting insane. Multiply my average by the population and take away around 25% and you have something like 3,656,250,000 passwords knocking around for the UK alone. Figures like that are crazy, think back to what you had to remember twenty years ago. Probably a PIN number and little else, even better you could remember it along with your bank account number and a few phone numbers. Go back thirty years and it gets better, less clutter to remember so you could at least get on with your life.

The mind boggles, a few days ago I wanted to buy a toner cartridge. A simple affair you would think but because it was my first order I had to register, a password was sent to me which I was told to change immediately unless I wanted hackers to drain my bank account, then I had to log in again to access my checkout. Once that bit of tomfoolery was done I followed the process and typed in the credit card details an hit return. A second box popped up asking me for the first, third and sixth letter of my password for my credit card as they used an off site checking service. Of course I couldn't remember, so went through the usual routine of getting it wrong three times until it asks me details about my shoe size, address, school grades, medical reports and the like to ascertain that I am indeed who I say I am and allow me to reset my password to something more memorable, like 'password'. Only this is where it gets sneaky, I type in a new password and it proudly announces, 'Sorry, you have used that password before, please try again'. I enter a new one and I get, 'Sorry, password contains too many weak characters, try using a combination of letters and numbers'.

I'm sorry, I thought Twilight had too many weak characters not my password. Anyway I decided to play around a little and typed 'ILLEGALHACKATTEMPT' as a password and got blacklisted. To cut a long story short I eventually managed to change it and returned back to the site and logged in again to carry on shopping. What a palaver, if this is happening now what am I going to be like when I'm old?

I awoke on my 76th birthday, its the year 2043 and the alarm clock failed to wake me as I hadn't fathomed out the instructions as they needed to be downloaded from a secure server for which I needed a PIN number. I poured out a bowl of vitamins and sat in front of the Tri-D projector. I wanted to watch Bargain Hunter 2024 and Euros In The Attic but there had been a software update and I needed to log in to Tri-D central to access my personal entertainment centre. I had forgotten my twenty six letter introductory passcode that allowed me five minutes of free viewing before the credit card system embedded underneath my skin started to charge per minute so instead looked out of the window.

Suddenly the view changed from the back garden to an advert for pile cream. New government strategy in 2036 had forced all window companies to install back screen LCD technology in all double glazing to help the advertising industry in paying shareholders. I hated it.

The doorbell rang. Standing outside was a brand spanking new Royal Mail Delivery Android holding in its vice like grip a small parcel. A parcel it wouldn't let go unless I entered the delivery code, a code that was in my personal account protected by a password that should have arrived in a email the day before. It didn't arrive, I had try to change my email password the day before but after getting it wrong three times it locked me out and I had to wait for my new password generator to arrive in the post looking suspiciously like the parcel now before me.

A countdown time ticked on the chest of the delivery android, thirty seconds left and then it returns the parcel back to central office, now located in London, a hundred and twenty six miles away. It could only be collected in person on Tuesdays as that's the only day they now employ real people and you need an emailed code to hand over on the day.

I slammed the door shut as the android bounded away...

See what I'm going to experience one day, if it wasn't for those pesky passwords I would have gotten away with it you meddling techies!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

What's My Name

Oh no! A chance find on the Internet has set my mind all a quiver this morning and turned my stomach in equal measures but more of that later. Coming across this candle creatively named 'Whiskers On Kittens' led me on an electronic paper chase to find other names used to describe burning paraffin. You wouldn't believe some of the names I found but I really started to enjoy myself when I found a section called Man Candles with exciting names like 'Man Town' and 'Riding Mower'. Seriously, those board meetings must have oozed testosterone. I'm waiting for two new fragrances to be released, 'In The Pub' and 'Meat and Two Veg' to cater for the typical man on the street and make a nice companion to the other two fragrances 'Muscled Moron' and 'Babe Magnet'

See, it's set me off again so whilst we are at it lets look at the crazy world of paint names, can you guess the colour from these?

1. Sexy Pink - OK, this one is pink but how the hell do you make pink sexy? Maybe you need a bit of this...

DO YA THINK IM SEXY?

There, I have passed the curse of Dogs In Pantyhose on and turned your stomach too, once seen never forgotten. This image is burned on my retina, that along with a naked Anne Widecombe riding a pig. Who does these things? Anyway where was I, ah, paint colours.

2. First Dawn - A pale blue

3. Dogs Ear - Pink again, getting creative aren't they?

4. Baby Turtle - Soft Green, a little odd but hey, somebody must like it.

5. I'm bored now - No really, I'm bored so lets make our own paint range up and name it...

Here's our new Spring Collection entitled Mansfield Memories...

Lets start with the red/brown colour bottom left, it's called 'Hint Of Dog Egg', inspiration has come from little walks and spotting this particular colour left in small curly pyramid shapes adding a splash of colour to otherwise grey pavements.

The blues are from our 'Sing The Blues' collection, a blue for every blue mood you will ever get. Purple, that attractive splash in the middle of our palette is called 'Saturday Night Bruiser' followed by the crimson top right 'Nose Bleed'. The brown at the top middle is from the 'Takeaway' feature wall colours, this particular one is 'Curried Revenge'. The rest of the range is called apathy and I can't really be bothered to tell you about it.

Didn't believe it the first time? Didn't think so, here's one last one to make you hurl this morning. I'm off for a spot of painting and a bit of therapy to try and remove some of these images.

Don't have nightmares!

Eeeeeeek!!!!!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Facephore

With the latest announcement that Facebook is going to charge users to up to £10 to contact people not on their friend list they are giving users an additional option at no extra charge. They are introducing Facephore, the popular flag based signalling method bought right up to date for today's fast paced world. Here's a brief run down of the most popular Facephore statuses being launched soon...

 Hi, I'm single and possibly weird, I'm not giving anything away in my photo although I may be mentally unstable.

 Married, together we fly the flag of togetherness until we argue and then we try to stick the dam flag up each  others backside.

Its complicated. Its that complicated that I don't even know where to start apart from the fact that seven Peruvian pygmy goats and that fellow from across the road had nothing to do with it.

 I'm at work, sucks doesn't it.

 I have kids and its awful. Why did they not tell me that they do random stuff, shout, squeal, run around, be petulant and make a mess?

 It's my birthday folks, I'm going to celebrate I'm getting closer to incontinence.

 I'm drunk, too drunk to even wave this dam flag. 

 I need a poo but I can't go.

Yay! I did a poo and it was grand!

 I have a new hat.

 I own a cat, although owning a cat is like saying I own a small Caribbean island. Its all in your head and cats only rub up against you to get rid of their static build up. If they didn't do that their hair would stand on end and they would be prone to starting electrical fires.

 I own a doggy, it takes me for a walk.

 Look, an elephant! I wonder what it's name is?

 I like tarts. Strawberry jam ones especially although I do prefer lime ones said nobody ever.

Finally one that can be used in many occasions to show disbelief, displeasure, shock, horror or even good old apathy.

Enjoy!