Being Bunny

Hi, Jura here, we do get up to all sorts of fun at Bunnyopolis so I thought I would show you a few of the things we do to fill our day.

This is our hay bar, a swish little box full of good stuff to eat, you can mostly find Iona here, not that I'm saying she is big or anything she just requires more bunny fuel than the rest of us or at least that's what she tells us.

Aaran however loves playing with string, I'm sure he thinks he is a cat. Sometimes he gets very demanding and will attention seek by throwing wooden toys and play carrots around Bunnyopolis until one of us licks his ears. Orange string is his favourite after he realised that if he nibbled the ones around the bale of straw it miraculously exploded allowing him to burrow a tunnel through it.

Sometimes we congregate on our set of steps, they are looking a bit battered though but they help keep our teeth nice and healthy.

Most of the time we just like to chill in a huddle, just inside the doorway is a favourite but we can also be found under the bench or on our bale of hay.

We leave our strangest behaviour to night time where we like to puzzle watchers of Bunnycam, lining up is kinda cool but we have been known form star shapes too!

So bye, bye from all at Bunnyopolis, I'm off to beg for a piece of dried carrot, you don't get this figure by any other means. Have a great day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Gangsta Sweetshop

In a quiet village in middle England, Busta Dogg, former gang member has decided to give up his life of crime and follow his dream of opening up a small sweet shop. It's Busta's first day and we find him busily arranging the sherbet pips when in walks his first customer, a seven year old girl clutching a ten pence piece.

'Yo bitch, welcome to my crib, whaddya want for ya grills?' explained Busta eloquently.

'Erm, erm, I'd like a ten pence mix please, but no blackjacks or fruit salads.'

'What you call me Ho? I'd be packin'n'strappin you little bitch, you think you all that but you assed out, ghost before you get poped.'

The little girl runs from the shop crying.

'Dang, this sweet business is hardcore, come in here with no dead presidents you'd better jet'

In walks an old lady clutching a rather large handbag.

'Yo, saggin' bitch, hope you got some scrilla'

'Do you sell Sherbert dips young man?'

'You want me to dip in my own crib? Get the fo, outta here before my 22 makes you a 187, nobody dis the Busta!'

'Pardon? I'm a little hard of hearing you will have to speak up young man'

You hard? Who you rollin' wit? You're nuthin' but a old school newjack, gimme that bag, they are my Benjamin's'

In walks the local vicar.

'My lord, what's going on in here Mrs Muffin?'

' I don't know vicar, I only came in for some Sherbert for Harold and this young man started shouting and grabbing at my handbag. It was most unsavoury, I shall report him to the village policeman'

'See that you do that Mrs Muffin, this is a quiet village and we don't put up with any nonsense young man'

'What the f...'

'Language!'

'Did he say the f word vicar?'

'He most certainly did, I have never heard language like it since old man Stan caught his finger in the rectory door a couple of years ago, hardly any of the villages talk to him since he shouted that awful word.'

'You mean the C word Vicar?'

'Yes, I'm not going to repeat it but as soon as I heard him shout c h u f f i n g I decided then to inform the village policeman about his obscene language.'

'You two are wack, you roll up and bring your crew not showin' propers, don't want candy then we've got beef'

'Did he say beef Vicar?'

'I certainly think he is a little confused, I believe he thinks he is working in the butchers'

'I'll have a pound of sausages please young man and none of your colourful language if you don't mind'

'This is crazy! Yo actin' like yo blunted, stop buggin' n' vamoosh, before I smoke yo ass'

'He's selling cigarettes now Mrs Muffin'

'I can't keep up with this vicar, does he sell anything else? I'm looking for a few balls of wool for a bobble hat I'm starting.'

'I'll ask him, do you sell wool by any chance?'

'Wool? Wat is wool? a reefer?, you want a blunt? I got blunts the size of king kongs, I got herbs, angel dust, dimes, only twenty Benjamin's foreal.'

'Did I hear him right Vicar?'

'I believe we did Mrs Muffin'

'In that case I'll have some Acapulco gold for Harold and I'll have some California sunshine because I fancy candy flipping on a string'

'I think I'll join you Mrs Muffin, give me two rocks of chalk, I need to get ripped to my tits so I can put up with the wedding this afternoon'

'Certainly Sir and Madam, i'll throw in a few cherry lips and cola bottles, would you like any ho's with your fix?'

'No, I'm fine for now, how about you Mrs Muffin, do you need any ho's for Harold?'

'Send me a couple over later, they better pull some good tricks though, you know Harold and his bad back'

'Certainly, here's your produce I'll pop around later with Shauny and Bambi, have a nice day'

'What a pleasant young man' said Mrs Muffin to the vicar, 'Indeed' replied the vicar lighting his crack pipe.

And so another day ends at Gangsta Sweetshop, stay tuned for further Gangsta adventures as Busta Dogg decides to expand and starts selling ice cream with hilarious results and plenty of ho's.

Word up.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Tomorrows Future Today

R2-C32D here, the world first artificial intelligence blog writing robot, I see and hear everything, join me as we glimpse the future...

2013, a heartbeat away from hover cars, personal teleportation systems and time travel. Technology has never been more powerful with new innovations every day here are a few of the exciting things coming your way.

'Computers' will be the buzz word is year as for the first time they become affordable for all. Computers, you probably don't know, have been used for years by scientists and the military to work out how to divide the coffee run money and who's turn it is to buy cakes on a Friday. No longer, they are about to enter our homes in a big way. Imagine having an electronic mind that does your every bidding, some even come with additional hardware such as the Home Composer upgrade shown above where a jolly composer will leap out of the screen and entertain you in a creepy over acting display of composing joy.

Using the latest string to keyboard technology you will be able to use your new computer to make real music. Strum along to all the chart hits as you frantically try to keep up with 'Three Blind Mice' on your iGit, the latest must have from Appley.

Communication will also change in a big way whey we all have personal communications at our fingertips. Simply slip this ring on your finger and you can place calls by putting your thumb in your ear and talking into your little finger. You dial by holding up the correct amount of digits and put it on hold by clenching your fists. For a videophone experience simply stand where you can see the person you are ringing.

Entertainment makes a leap from the arcades to the home with the outstanding award winning Atari 2600, surely every child's dream this coming Christmas. It promises eye popping graphics undistinguishable from real life. Play classics like Grand Theft Tiddlywinks and Call Of Duty - Pot Washing on two strangely phallic joysticks and enjoy the wood effect console as it blends in with your wooden microwave.

We left this in to surprise you, it's the game Jurassic Lark, the first time we saw the graphical detail on the dinosaur we ran out of the room it was so real, be prepared to experience it first hand when it hits the shelves in June.

The television will become obsolete this year as we all convert to tankvision, a combination of television and fish tanks to bring you realism never seen before on the small screen. Show above is the TV-Shark the biggest and best tankvision to date, simply drop objects in the top to have them devoured live in front of your family. Comes complete with miniature oboe sound effects and real blood! Treat your family or feed your family, the choice is yours.

Finally the time saving gadget we have all been waiting for, the Snotsaver 2000, a portable hanging system to dry out used hankies solving a problem that has been with us since caveman times.

It's at times like this I like to thank Sir Issac Newton for inventing gravity, before then everything had to be nailed down or it flew away, thank you Mr Newton!

I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into your future, have fun with all the new technology, just stay away from the Dyson Ball Cleaner, it doesn't do what it says on the tin and it ripped my underpants at the same time.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Free Game!

Welcome to a new board game for all the family, Drunks On A Bus, the exciting table top pastime that recreates an exciting bus ride where the whole family become fantasy drunks. From tipsy ten year olds to hammered grannies with an age limit of 1-99 and unlimited players the whole family can join in.

All you need is a dice and a few shot glasses to act as counters, feel free to top them up anytime you feel thirsty with the shot of your choice. One player needs to be the designated bus driver and will be in control of driving the game using the square information below, all rules given by the driver must be obayed. All other players need to roll a six to start, the first one to make it home wins. Upon landing on each square your driver will issue the instructions below to add to your enjoyment of the game.

Drivers Square Notes

1 - This is the start, you are relatively tipsy but manage to pull out the correct change as you board the bus.

2 - Oh No! You have landed on two and got on the wrong bus! Curse the driver and trip over a chair to simulate a stagger fall as you exit the bus. Return to square one.

3 - The bus is moving an you haven't sat down yet, crash into other players seats and throw yourself on the sofa to finish. Return to square one.

4 - You have decided to go upstairs, it's a mistake, run up your own stairs and throw yourself off the top step swearing as you tumble down. If you live in a bungalow use a high object such as a wardrobe. Return to square three and follow the instructions.

5 - Swear uncontrollably to make other players uncomfortable, if you use more than forty naughty words in less than sixty seconds then stay on square five otherwise return to square one.

6 - You are the perfect drunk, you find your seat and sit down without falling, staggering or swearing.

7 - The player must stand on their chair and shout 'Come and ave a go if you think your hard enough before throwing themselves onto a player of your choice. The designated bus driver must then help break up the fight, try to make it as difficult as possible to seperate you. If the fight lasts more than sixty seconds stay on the square if not move to square eight and miss one turn.

8 - Miss one turn as the driver tells you to get off the bus for disrupting the passengers. Players must go outside to miss their turn and bang on the kitchen window begging to be let back in until their turn comes around again.

9 - You are a happy drunk, hug a player of your choice.

10 - The bus stops outside a pub, you leap off for a quick nip but the bus pulls away leaving you behind. Miss three turns and with each miss you must consume two units of alcohol whilst you wait for the next bus.

11 - Players must lavishly hurl, the driver may help by giving you a glass of salt water and bouncing you up and down on your chair. Miss one turn whilst you clean up the mess sobbing uncontrollably and telling yourself 'never again'. Failure to hurl means the player will return to square one.

12 - Players must convincingly fall and sustain injury. Any props are allowed from chairs to tables the only stipulation is the remaining players must be convinced you have hurt yourself. If you end up at A&E advance one square upon your return.

13 - Happy square! Open all the windows in your house and sing Tom Jones 'Sex Bomb' or 'I Did It My Way' until you wake up at least three neighbours or receive abuse from any of them. Failure to complete the task and you are booted off the bus by the driver and back to square ten so you can drink a little more to loosen up.

14 - Nearly there! You need a momento from your adventure, the player must go outside and find either a traffic cone, a supermarket trolley or a flashing road sign. If you can't find any of the items then you go back to square thirteen or choose the forfeit of urinating through your own letterbox and stay where you are.

15 - Home safe and sound, players must land exactly on this square with the roll of the dice, if you don't get the right amount then the players must go BACKWARDS that amount and follow the drivers instructions. If you do land on this exactly then congratulations, you may be a hopeless drunk but at least you made it home in one piece. At this point the player must pretend that they are in the wrong house, the driver switches off all the lights and rearranges the furniture, the winning player must then vacate the property whilst swearing and causing as much damage as possible.

See, simple family fun and one game I'm sure you will never tire of playing. Don't forget our companion games 'The Sozzled Slapper' and of course our best selling 'Blame It On The Booze' daily drunkeness to be played in an office environment where even the boss can join in.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Gold

In an incredibly generous gesture from a friend I was given over the Christmas period two coveted books, the Boys Own Annuals from 1907-1909. Way before anything Internetty, information was gained as a child from books such as these, they are the google and YouTube of their day, packed full with information you would be hard pressed to get anywhere else and stuffed full of what to do in the long evenings devoid of television and play stations. Lost knowledge, the stuff of fun.

My they are thick, each one comes in at a whopping 824 pages and weighs a ton but for me the information within is priceless, I mean, where else could you find out how to make a Bunkum Booth to fool your friends and how to train a dog to remove your hat for ladies on the same page?

Some of the articles have massive full colour pull outs illustrating everything from boats, trains, letter seals of the British Empire to a selection of famous moments in history captured on canvas.

Can you imagine a child of ten today deciding to take on this task of building a Trolley-Car using nothing but brute force, saws, hammers and chisels, it'll be fun it says as it gleefully tells you how to angle your chisel to remove a square piece of wood rather than your fingers and left testicle.

Some of them will be incredibly useful to me, there is a complete ventriloquist tutorial so you can throw your voice like this, see I have learned something usefull already. Other articles that I will be trying include how to make a Kokonutina, seriously, a musical instrument from a coconut. Reading the weather from the angles and posture of cats and dogs in front of an open fire, a lethal looking snowball catapult, face reading and how to spot a cad, the use of flowers to send a message, for example a white Camellia in your buttonhole signifies 'loveliness' whilst a small piece of fern means 'fascination'. Obviously not to be confused with the £4.99 garage forecourt flowers which mean 'Sorry' or 'I forgot didn't I?'

My favourite is The Athelete - An Amusing Toy. Amusing that is if you enjoy cutting raw tin into shape, riveting using a home made gas jet and balancing your model over the top of a fuel filled lamp being careful not to set fire to your hair or indeed the rest of your house all in the pursuit of seeing a little tin Athelete bobbing up and down on a revolving platform. Needless to say I will be in the garage all day creating this diversion and you will find me at A&E sometime around tea time.

It's also full of top tips, these are all real by the way, A Chat About Armour by Frampton Blewitt, Treasure Hunting Underwater For Boys by Owen Asche, Fancy Poultry For Boys and How To Read A Monkey, a guide to monkey management in captivity.

The Boys Own Paper was published from 1879 to 1967. Primarily aimed at wealthier children its diverse mix of sport, nature, science and entertainment was delivered by some great writers of the period. Jules Verne and Arthur Conan Doyle both contributed to the issues as well as famous people of the day such as Captain Webb, swimmer of the channel and ultimately of match box fame, Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the scout movement and W.G.Grace who's name will be synonymous with cricketers everywhere.

So these two volumes join an increasing collection of ephemera helping to shape the new selection of Lost Impossimal stories as Back To Front starts to come alive over the next six months. I'm off to build a submarine out of wooden crates and a bit of old tin, I'm sure it will work and allow me to indulge in my underwater treasure hunting fixation I have. The weather looks like it will be fine as my dog is laid at 53 degrees to the cat in front of my roaring log fire under my indoor tent created out of bed sheets, so ta-ta for now folks I'm off out on my perambulator.

Spiffing!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Into D Using Part G

New Year Eve and time for all the decorations to come down, the house always feels empty when you put them all away as you realise you have become used to all the flashing lights, sparkly bits and baubles scattered around. Fortunately this year we don't have the comedy routine to endure manhandling out a real Christmas tree, a sequence of events that managed to cover the entire lounge carpet in six and a half million pine needles, some of which I'm still finding in my socks and underwear to this day. We still call it Treemageddon day such was the devastation, we hadn't had so much clearing up to do since we foolishly filled a piñata full of chocolate and systematically destroyed it with a walking stick last New Year. The donkeys leg flew off as the whole thing exploded and it ripped itself away spinning from the ceiling and scattering chocolate, glitter and small plastic earrings like it had lost control of its bowels.

So bye, bye Crimbo tree, until next year when I fetch you out again and realise I have forgotten how to assemble you and refer to your informative instructions.

Who on earth writes these things? Take a look at the above photo, notice anything missing? Try the letters 'A' and 'F'. The instructions tell you to work from the bottom up but they are labeled from the top down, obviously they have also missed out the letters WTF. Think that's confusing then chuck in a random set of branches that are not on the list and you are in la-la land for a few hours whilst you work it all out.

'L', where the bloody 'L' does that go?, even the eight foot one doesn't have an 'L', eventually I worked out that 'L' is in fact 'C' using the handy colour coding system that includes 'A' and 'F'. More frighteningly is the fact it goes up to 'S' which by my estimate gives you a sixteen footer, how many people can take a sixteen footer? No, don't answer that and no, I won't bend over so you can show me.

It's like the Krypton Factor meets the Crystal Maze as I now have to work out each colour coded row and with instructions like 'G - Purple or Purple and White with side panel' you know it's not going to be easy. Again it tells you to begin with panels at the bottom, call me picky but I thought I was assembling the branches of a tree, so imagine my embarrassment when I went to the garden centre and asked for a tree with lovely full panels.

Even the cartoon man is doing it wrong, it said start at the bottom stupid! Not sure what the symbols mean beside him as nothing else had to be slotted in that resembled three condoms. See! I told you they were branches! Now I have to remove all those panels and start again. As for the other pictures of the branches I haven't the foggiest why they are there as they basically show you nothing apart from a dramatic close up. Oh, and it's probably sexist to show the lady working away whilst the man just stands there and rams the branches in, I suppose it's a bit like men and barbeques.

So Christmas is all packed away for another year, just one more hurdle, the New Year celebrations. I'll try to see if we can survive this one without a) Smashing a chocolate filled donkey to bits, b) Going on Chatroulette wearing a Cheryl Cole mask and dancing to Donald Where's Your Trousers, c) Playing beer pong using ping pong balls on fire, d) Half naked limbo dancing (don't ask) and finally e) Drinking absinth until I believe I am a Chello and try to pluck my own strings to the tune of Tom Jones Love Bomb.

Have a great New Year, see you in 2013 with something a little different, All4Love coming soon!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Meanwhile, In Pigeon Hole 104...

If you have been following the Christmas With The Impossimals LIVE in pigeon hole 104 you may have noticed a gap in posts due to the holidays at www.welcometoreal.co.uk so I have unearthed my original photos to finish off the story before the new year. 

The story so far...

Santa visited a wide awake Impossimal who was waiting for his arrival but when asked if they had been naughty or nice they cheekily replied 'Naughty!' whereupon Santa whipped out a large candy cane and whacked them over the head before chasing them around the room. With a swift swipe, Santa tripped up the Impossimal and asked again 'Naughty or Nice?'. 'Nice' said the Impossimal, 'Wrong!' said Santa and proceeded to list the fourteen counts of naughtiness before shouting for Rudolph to 'Send The Boys In'. Thirty reindeer rushed through the door whilst a bemused Impossimal looked on, they all lined up...

 'Oh No! What Now Santa?' said the Impossimal.

 Santa whips out a pair of shades and utters the words 'Hey, Sexy Lady'

 Santa's gone all Gangnam Style, is nothing safe from this horse riding ass whipping craze?

 Let the dance begin!

 Even the reindeer join in, dig those sexy shades!

Three days work, five envelopes, fifty seven items, one carpet, chair and Christmas tree made up twenty four scenes of the Impossimal Christmas LIVE all assembled from my photographs and descriptions in a little pigeon hole number 104 in central London, a unique experiment in social medial using the post courtesy of The Royal Mail. I had enough to do a full 365 day pigeon hole but as you are only allocated a month I though it a little unwise to attempt it, maybe next time :-)

Have a great New Year!

Loose Moose Fat Fighting Sooper Shoos

Right all you festive fun loving people, it's nearly the new year so I, the fitness moose will help you all to shed those extra few pounds you have put on over the holidays with my new product the Loose Moose Flab Fighting Sooper Shoos. Specially adapted footwear will enable you to do your normal tasks whilst burning away those extra calories.

Each Shoo has been tested for ultimate comfort and fitted with a patented tilting system causing you to correct your balance every step. It's these balance corrections that will cause your muscles to work overtime and shed calories as fast as you eat them. Results may vary as will the associated injuries from using these footwear incorrectly. For your chance to own this cutting edge fitness technology simply cut out this coupon and mail it to P.O.Box 62737262513.1 and pay no money now.

BONUS!

As part of our introductory Shoo offer you will also get our Food Fitness program of which you can find excerpts from below. Eat yourself to a better body with our scientifically proven system guaranteed to change your body shape. N.B. Results may vary and may not be what you expect.

Banana Bends

Who would have thought a simple banana would help you lose weight? Using just your hands pick up two bananas one in each hand as illustrated above. Using only your teeth try to peel each banana until the fleshy bits are exposed. This should take you a few minutes, feel free to gag as much as you like as the pithy stuff gets stuck in your clack. Once both are peeled eat them both at the same time by bringing your arms together in a arcing movement and force them into your mouth. Chew each piece twice, the object is to eat them both in less than ten seconds. Congratulations you have now started to lose weight.

How Does It Work?

It seems like magic but actually its based on sound principles, you had to hold a banana in each hand forcing you to use your teeth, this extra jaw motion burnt two calories whilst the gagging out of disgust burnt another one calorie. This combined with force feeding yourself made your jaws move faster and your heart rate increase as you found it difficult to breath. We all know an increased heart rate burns fat so the rest is simple fitness science, jaw movement + gagging + heart rate increase = fat burning! N.B. not suitable for monkeys and apes as they tend to cheat or indeed homosapiens of any age. Always follow the guidelines and don't replace bananas with marrows as injury could occur.

Remember, keep hydrated at all times, wine makes a good isotonic drink and should be consumed freely during Foodercise as its good for your heart or something.

Healthy Cookie Fat Reducing Smoothie

Take one pack of cookies and place them in a small tub.

Keep hydrated, drink a little more then carry on.

Add one full tube of low fat mayonnaise, this is important as it helps break down the fatty cookies.

Keep hydrated, it's really important!

Next, add to the cookie and mayonnaise a whole twelve pack of low fat crisps, this adds an extra 'crunch' to to your new power food. Shake it all around until the contents are entirely covered in mayonnaise. Get somebody to tie your hands behind your back and place the full tub on a sturdy table. Using only your mouth try to eat the entire contents of the tub safe in the knowledge that all the extra low fat content will offset the fatty cookies.

How Does It Work?

Because the crisps and mayonnaise are low fat they act as negative calories so you can easily offset any food be it cheese, pork scratchings or even chocolate by covering them in low fat mayonnaise and low fat crisps, it's a secret that food manufacturers have kept from us for years. We have added the extra excercising of eating without your hands to pimp up the negative calorie effects. After consuming your fat reducing smoothie it's perfectly normal to feel bloated and sick, it's all part of the fitness regime working with your body. For best results take the smoothie twice a day for six weeks, you will feel and look like a different person and people will comment. Probably.

The above is an excerpt from the multi award winning Foodercise - Eat More, Lose More, Gain More, Drink More, Grow More, Your Key To A New You, my free gift to you with each Sooper Shoo purchase, get yours today and start 2013 with a new Sooper Shoo You!!!

Ah, now I have got that out of my system I did notice this festive message on an advert over Christmas should you wish to borrow a few quid...

I'm really in the wrong business, anybody want a few quid to tie themselves over in the New Year? I have perfectly reasonable rates at only 277% APR. undercutting my competitors by £££ and I promise I won't kick down your door and empty your house if your default by as much as 1p. Probably.

I'll even throw in a Sooper Shoo, see, now your tempted!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Tufty Club

Things used to be so simple, a public information film starring Tufty the squirrel used to help us learn how to cross the road, an important skill presented in a memorable way. Stop, Look and Listen, three basic rules to extending your life when you are rushing over to the ice cream man before he drives off, so imagine my confusion when after all these years of understanding what a Belisha Beacon is and recognising its orange dome on a striped pole from Tuftys excellent tutorials to come across this during a brisk walk yesterday.

It's the love child of a street lamp beacon affair, you can even see the lamp looking guilty on the left. These things are huge, it's as though the designers couldn't be arsed to lower the height to match other street lamps so just stuck it on top at a rushed meeting on what would be the next must have street accessory, it's probably called something exotic too like a Bleacon or a Street Lamblecon which in some roundabout way brings me around to stumble on to today's blog theme...

A long time ago I was involved in a scheme, (actually a job rather than a scheme, a scheme sounds like a bid to take over the world) to create a new inner ring road in my home town of Mansfield. Its a long story but it involved a lot of surveying, using a porta cabin on site as my office, dealing with frozen toilets and climbing in the back of Tarmac lorries with a digital thermometer. During one memorable frozen toilet day where even the water from a boiled kettle couldn't unblock it I found myself flicking through a brochure.

It's not that I was looking for anything for the home or deciding on a mail order outfit as the brochure wasun inspiringly called 'The Best Of Street Furniture' and resembled a very posh catalogue. Can you imagine a sexy brochure selling litter bins and park benches? No neither could I but after flicking through the pages I became convinced I needed a powder coated polycarbonate bus shelter in my living room after seeing one seductively displayed outside a chip shop with several models enjoying the moulded seating included in the price.

Really, this was a whole new world, items that you pass everyday being touted as fashion accessories. Young couples tossing litter in a cast iron fake victorian litter bin, business men leaning on the latest urine proof lamp posts taking important calls on their stylish 80's brick telephones. Bollards with names like the Brunel and Churchill when really they looked like they should have been called Dominator and Destroyer due to their shapely curves. Even signs were given suggestive names like the Fingerpost and Header Boards. "I say Derek, did you order those pointing signs for the town centre?", "Certainly did Sir, I ordered a Fingerpost each and we both get a free Header with them, if we order three they will also give us a Shaft, a new retracting bollard they have designed."

Street benches were even better with names like the Recliner and The vandal proof Endurance, some even had names of towns and cities so if you went for a Westminster for example you got an ornate cast iron seat complete with lions and crests held together with oak timbers. If you chose the Mansfield you got two breeze blocks and a floorboard. Actually I was kidding with that one, you actually just got the breeze blocks to sit on.

Litter bins come with big beefy names to suggest they can digest litter at phenomenal rates, why buy a cast iron space saver when you could have instead a fireproof Elephant 150, seriously, a quick look on the web and we still have bins called Buffalo for sale and more awkwardly a dog waste bin called a Neptune, missed a trick there I think, it should have been called the Bad Fido or the Poocrate, not that many seem to be used now days judging by the amount of Poorniments we see hanging around.

Anyway, it seems it all runs out of steam when we get to bins created for cigarettes, they are simply called Ashtrays. How boring.

So in the interest of having nothing better to do I have decided to sex up my house and rename the furniture. So tonight I will sit down on my Cheeky Loungemaster Buttcaresser and watch a little bit of television whilst casting admiring glances over to my new acquisition the Essex EaZY Lay, a table of distinction. They all seem to fit in perfectly with my new Glasgow Tent hallway bus shelter and Jayne seems pleased with her new retractable Rampant bollard I've had installed in the kitchen. All in all I'm pleased with my purchases and I shall be ordering more in the new year.

And if you think today's blog is a load of bollards just wait until tomorrow, I'm almost at the bottom of the barrel.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals