Big Benned

I have just spent two days absolutely brain dead, no ideas, no creative thoughts whatsoever that it started to get more than a little worrying. Eventually I came to the conclusion that the last six months workload had contributed to the moment along with my last Lost Impossimal painting, Big Ben.

It was a tall order, make Big Ben from cardboard, place it in a scene with an Impossimal and paint it in the traditional style of the turn of the century 1900. Boy, did it take some doing.

First the construction of Big Ben. I had no detailed scale to work to so employed my old architect skills and used measurements from photographs to come up with a rough proportion shape which I fashioned out of an old cardboard box for rigidity. You can see the construction lines above. This was then placed in my scene and I started work on the plasticine Impossimal that was going to feature in it. The whole process took three days to model, adjust, strengthen when it collapsed, model again and finally photograph ready for the next process, transferring all that work onto a prepared board for painting.

I'd like to say it was painless but actually it was far from it. The angle I wished to work at used multiple vanishing points, all of which had to be adjusted to account for the inaccuracy of my model, further more my Impossimal had real hands so using photographs of my own these had to be worked in to grip on to Big Ben in the right places.

Getting the brickwork looking Big Ben'ish was cruicial, this was the first stage of a nine day painting process on the clock that took into account all the detail before I painted over the top of it in places with my Lost Impossimal. Every aspect was checked and the painting turned upside down occasionally to look for errors.

Eventually I made it to the clock face and decoration, another days work using a mapping system I learned many years ago when surveying a road network.

It paid dividends, here's the first face halfway through the detailing, already it's looking rather accurate.

Four weeks from start to finish, joining nine others raring to go. Only they will have to wait a while longer. Two more to paint over the next two months then I start on tying up all the links between the items in the paintings and rewriting the stories accordingly. Then and only then will I start to build the final document that will form Bloodline, a story of household items, a surprising chain of historical events, nostalgia, horror and ultimately murder. I can't wait!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Roll Up, Roll Up

In times of need there are changes indeed, roll up, roll up and witness the first ever farm and fairground hybrid in the country. Destined to be a 'must see' money saving attraction. Why go to the fair, why go to the farm when you can do both at the travelling Funfarmfair.

Love pigs? Then try our coconut sty and send your nuts flying. Simply load your pigs tail with a wooden ball, guide it into position using a wooden board and walking stick then fire! Kapow! In no time at all you will be a pigapult specialist and also have a lovely new pink friend to play with. Prizes include a years free manure, all the pork scratchings you can eat or our special prize of a chance to muck out Matilda, our twenty six ton Gloucestershire Old Spot using only a dining fork.

Prepared to be scared to death with our spooky Goats Train! Witness goat-ly surprises around every corner as your muck cart trundles around our makeshift barn. Cower I fear as Count Dracugoat swoops from above, cover your ears as you approach the bleating of the Goatshees, be physically sick as Frankengoat sprays you with fresh milk, devours everything in sight and poops small marbles that smell of pure evil. Survive all that and you get to see a real poltergoat in action, you never know where the next bleat will come from. Left or right? Or just maybe YOU will be the one that's bleating to get out alive.

On the Goat Train nobody can hear you bleat.

N.B. The Goat Train is manned by real goats, keep all your hands and limbs inside the muck cart at all times unless you want to lose them. Also hold on to any bags containing food, hats, scarves, gloves, watches, small children etc as our spooky goats get very, very hungry indeed.

Say flook to hook a duck and hi to Hook a Hen its 21st Century replacement. A hundred hens are bobbing around in small boats in a water filled feeding trough. All you have to do is hook their boat using our magnetic hooks and reel them safely in. If you find that the hen has an egg then you get to keep it! How cool is that, real hens, real eggs, real fun. It doesn't get more 'hens on' than this, play more than once to win more and you could go home with an omelette!

Forget mirrors, the Hall of Moos is far superior. Inside we have a selection of cows waiting, simply walk down the line until a cow moos. Stop at that cow and read its name for hilarious results. Are you a Fat Cow? Or maybe a Skinny Cow?, did the Ugly Cow moo at YOU? Such fun. Take along the wife, the mother in-law or any of a multitude of people you wish to be appraised. New for 2013 the Irritating Cow and Loud Cow.

N.B. We do offer a mother in-law special service where for an additional £5 you tell us which cow should moo and we'll do the rest.

Lambs love to run around haphazardly, leaping about like little springs. Now you can enjoy in their gambolling too by using our foam rings and gently trying to hoop a lamb. A simple game that will leave you entranced and delighted all at the same time and put you in the right frame of mind for our next attraction.

Real unwashed wool, dyed pink and dipped in sugar. It's the food that keeps on giving, one stick of candy wool will last forever, well, it seems like forever as you suck away all the sweetness inside. Once done you are left with a pile of fresh wool that you can use to knit yourself a nice jumper. Our gift to you.

We do hope you visit soon, for you information here's where we will be over the next few weeks :

28 April - Old McDonalds Farm, Eieio, Andonthatfarm, Hehadapig. EIE IO. tel. 5318008

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Spoonful of Invention

Take the humble spoon, a simple item masking a whole world of coolness that you never realised existed. Forget chucking away those plastic spoons, horde them and in turn you will have a treasure chest of useful and entertaining objects. Come with me and enter the world of Spoonventions, parts of the Forkatry skill set we discussed yesterday.

Problems with ninjas? Fear no more with this spuriken, a lethal throwing weapon known only to Dojen Hiyah Kung Po masters. Simply strap together four spoons as shown and carefully sharpen the edges using a potato peeler. Throw at any hiding ninjas for ninja free zone. in fact they are so good since I made mine I have been completely ninja free.

If you prefer a more hands on approach then become Wolverine instantly. No catch, you really can pretend to be Wolverine with this.

Place small blobs of glue onto your fingers and place in the bowls of five spoons like above. When you lift you will have instant extendable claws, try slashing toilet paper to see the impressive shredding action then blame the results on a passing cat. To retract your claws simply make a fist and the will miraculously vanish, open you hand quickly to extend.

N.B. remove before using the toilet to avoid nasty accidents.

Want to play a game? No problem, simply get a pack of cards and copy the symbols and numbers onto fifty two spoons for your own easy grip playing card spoons. As they fit comfortably together they will travel in your back pocket effortlessly rendering traditional card packs useless. Impress friends and strangers alike as you play snap, poker, Klondike and many more games using your stylish pack. Decorate on the reverse for extra wow factor.

If you have kids then feeding time can be a nightmare. Trying to hit the cake hole whilst they move their head like they are possessed has always been a problem but if you fasten three spoons together then you have increased your chances of filling their pie chute instantly. Also useful for eating yoghurt really fast.

Still having trouble feeding the little dears? Then you need an Aerospoon, the latest in airborne food delivery. To save having to make engine noises and swooping with your hand to deliver your payload simply stand the other side of the room, load it up and throw it towards a child. Their surprise will cause their mouth to open wide and the plane will land safely after gliding gracefully into their open mouth. Tie a piece of thread to the tail fin and you don't even have to go and retrieve it, just a small tug and it returns effortlessly.

Still having trouble feeding? Then amuse them into submission with this animated toy rabbit. Skilful use of the ear spoons will enable the bunny to look and listen.

Here bunny has heard a noise. What is it you ask?

It's the cast of Top Gear made entirely from spoons, how cool is that! Play with Jeremy, Stig and Hammond as they miraculously appear in 3D. Review cars, go on road trips, meet celebs, crash cars all whilst filming your own special Top Gear show.

N.B. Voices, cars, celebs not supplied but can be easily made following our advanced origami with toilet paper course.

Want to make some extra money this weekend? Get a stall at a craft show and sell Spoollery, jewellery made from spoons! You will be quids in and a millionaire by this time next week.

Finally the ultimate spoon hack. Need to eat your Chinese meal in a hurry? Simply snap off the spoon bowls and discard to be left with...chopsticks! Who'd have thought it possible, I'm never going to eat the same again.

Spoonventions part of the Culinariology Forketry Society of Great Britain, founded in 1482 sometime around tea time.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Patiently Shopping

I walked along looking in all their windows. A nice selection of costume jewellery caught my eye and I pondered over a small brooch when my nose caught a whiff of something tempting. Coffee. Next door to the jewellery shop was Costa, I breezed in and made a purchase. Coffee is better with something to read so it was quite handy to have a newsagents next door. This was the life, shopping all under cover, there was even parking although you did have to pay for that. Further on I passed a few vending machines and mooted over a Kitkat chunky but by now I needed to sit down. Fortunately I had reached my destination and a nice row of chairs beckoned me.

You wouldn't have guessed it would you but I have just described a walk through a hospital. Yes, they have shops, Costa and god knows what else when all you really need is care not concessions. Yesterday we had to visit A&E with Jaynes mother after a random phonecall early yesterday morning which was also the reason there was no blog.

It's been a long, long time since I have been in a hospital as I tend to avoid them. An avoidance which sprung from being given an overdose by a junior nurse that knocked me out for eighteen hours and before that left bleeding face down in a bathroom after nasal surgery, hospitals and me are not compatible. Boy has it changed though, I nearly turned around as I entered thinking I had mistaken an out of town shopping outlet for a hospital, since when do you need costume jewellery in a medical emergency? I walked around in wonder. Apart from the odd person striding speedily through the shopping area in some kind of uniform you would not know you were in a medical facility at all. It seems commercialisation has really bitten hard.

I suppose that would explain the slots on the wheelchairs that look uncannily similar to the pound coin slots on supermarket trolleys. Right next to A&E we passed a small selection of staff vehicles, around six to be precise with an accumulated value of around half a million pounds. It's always heartwarming to see such a display of wealth so close to a cash strapped overworked A&E.

The A&E department itself was efficient and inpersonal for the main although the doctor we finally managed to see was a jolly fellow with a fine bedside manner, humour and compassion. The visit disturbed me though. Sat in A&E I noticed a welcome leaflet, inside it explained everything from your rights to how patients are treated in order according to severity. These leaflets were distributed widely and worked as a quick introduction until you turned it over and found this.

On the back page of the Hospitals welcome leaflet, I'll say that again, WELCOME LEAFLET was a full page advert for personal injury solicitors. Hi, welcome to our hospital, why you are sat there in misery contemplating dark thoughts why not think about suing the ass off everyone involved. Broke your leg when you fell off your bike? No problem, lets sue the shop that sold you the bike, the bike manufacturer for making such a dangerous item as a bike, the ancestors of the Penny Fathing inventor for coming up with something so lethal and finally the hospital for making you sit uncomfortably for more than five minutes. We sat in silence listening to another couple weighing up who they could sue for a minor hand injury that needed little more than a plaster and just how much they could get, it was sickening. You only had to look around though.

In the centre of the room was this board, it has small advertisements for charities such as Childline, Bliss, the Heart Foundation and the services they offer apart from the six stand out items in the middle, they offer yet again personal injury lawyers complete with take away business cards. Welcome to 2013, it sucks.

I perused a few other leaflets scattered around. The government has produced a series of high profile ones following the theme of healthy living. I flicked though the healthy eating one, heavy on sensible advice but I wonder how many would really take notice when to the left of me was a vending machine full of nothing but chocolate and bags of crisps? Around the corner was another machine with a small selection of bottled water and a large selection of fizzy drinks. Mixed messages? Don't offer me advice and temptation within ten feet of each other. Are we talking common sense or money? Probably the latter. I read a leaflet on problem drinking and was bitterly disappointed to not find a machine dispensing cans of lager, don't you hate double standards.

It seemed quite inappropriate to pass people in the corridors clutching cups of branded coffee and eating chocolate bars whilst incapacitated patients were being wheeled around with drips. We had to stop at a corridor junction as an obvious emergency case was rushed by, not a pretty sight and my heart gave a bit of a leap. A family opposite stopped too to make way and looked on as if they were watching their favourite reality show, even pointing as they passed whilst munching their way through a bag of crisps and slurping their coffee. Not a flicker of emotion and they strode away possibly looking to buy that nice set of earrings they saw earlier.

The whole hospital experience felt a little like a product, personally I think this type of commercial approach runs the risk of separating the medical staff from patients and the shopping centre feel helps to desensitise the general public to the real and great work a hospital does, I don't agree with it but then again there is very little I can do about it either.

Sigh.

OMG. I just remembered another reason I'm not compatible with hospitals, I was a practice pin cushion when I had my appendix out. After eight, yes, eight attempts at a needle being stuck in my arm I eventually passed out. My appendix surgery occurred some time in the wee hours of the morning where I was slashed away and sewn up again in some weird manner. Over twenty three years later the skin still looks like It was cut open using those peculiar zigzag scissors and the three stitches looking like little '6's are still there in the form of scars. Brutal. You know what's worse? They didn't even have a jewellery store back then, how shocking is that?

OMG, three sixes? That explains the hoofs.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Trotting Clippers

I'm Dixie Normous owner and stylist at Trotting Clippers an exclusive hair studio in the heart of Mansfield. We offer competitive clips, comfortable clops and styles you wouldn't believe, we are stylists to the stars and are the first to offer the 'Rip Strip' the excruciating painful way to have a perfect bikini line using superglue and an old dish cloth.

This is Liberace Sweet Cheeks our top stylist, he's most famous for working along side John Wayne during his film career.

As you can see he has produced some stunning designs. Over the years from our shop in Mansfield, just down from the old Tesco's and up two flights of stairs, pop the light on and climb the step ladder in the attic and your there, we have built up a roster of famous barnets sculptured to perfection here at Trotting Cloppers.

After many years of practice we came up with the Justin, here shown on our current model. We came up with this now famous hairstyle for no other than Roger Moore who needed something to accompany his massive eyebrows.

Doesn't he look stunning! Roger loved this hairstyle so much he bequeathed it to the entire music industry and is paraded today by some of the biggest or smallest stars depending on which way you look at it. Although we don't hold it responsible for writing inappropriate comments in visitor books or indeed anything to do with monkeys.

Our biggest claim to fame is the restyling for George Lucas of the entire Star Wars cast, underneath all that makeup for the very first time we can reveal the real look of Star Wars.

In my new book Star Wars - Beneath The Helmets I show you stunning photos taken on set a few of which are shown here.

Darth had a serious problem, he was worried he wasn't going to be taken seriously when threatening to destroy the Rebel Alliance and decided what he needed was a new look. We suggested this lovely blond sweep, not quite Farrah Fawcet but subtle enough to give Darth a whole new image and boy did he feel fabulous. Feel the force of this baby, this will light up your sabre. Hubba Hubba!

Peter Cushion, ever the joker decided on this outlandish style, a style mirrored by Katy Perry many years later after we showed her this photo just last week when she popped in to say hello as she did her weekly shop at Lidl. Apparently they are doing three tins for two in their hotdog range Katy informed us. Peter would sashay onto set in a long red dress before donning his working gear and acting up a storm. Way to go Peter, what a diva!

Han was more of a problem, we needed him to look macho, tactile, vulnerable and sexy all at the same time so we crossed a 'Justin' with an 'Owen' to give him his own 'Hans Off' style. Just look at that pout, work it baby!

In my next book Raiders Of The Lost Wig I will reveal more insider secrets when I tell you all about the outlandish requests of Indiana Jones, some will make your toes curl. Here's a sneak preview of what was really under Indianas hat during filming...

Finally we offer a pet grooming service, should your pet require a Petwig or would like a 'Justin' to pop on down. No fur too big or small, prices from £2.45 for a short back and sides to £5.64 for a full Lady Gaga.

Yay! Trotting Clippers, because you're worth it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Trees

It was always the pan to upgrade Bunnyopolis so this weekend stage one started now that the threat of snow has subsided. With Spring finally in its way it is time to replace last years picnic table now that it has started to show serious signs of wear. Aaran, Jura and Iona love it, when I took it out of Bunnyopolis last night they followed me around the garden obviously worried that it wasn't coming back making me feel so guilty even though I'm building them a new one so I placed it back in until the replacement is ready. They really know how to play the guilt card.

Anyway, we did manage to alter a few other things and make it a bit more fun for them.

In went two apple trees surrounded by some Scottish cobbles and several bedded in larger cobbles. OK, it's not much but it's just a start and they soon settled into their new surroundings. Still to be added is a bench, for us not them although it will be at a bunny friendly height and a new bunny bridge I'm building which should replace their favourite picnic table, either that or there's going to be three sulky rabbits. A few more plants to brighten everything up and a small wooden flexible toy made from fruit wood. This is in addition to the original Bunnyopolis which if you didn't know looks like this...

Bunnyopolis - plenty of room to live, play and generally be bunny and on a day like this it looks even better.

To the left is the open run, secured with wire and removable Perspex screens ideal for keeping out all the nasty weather. It's filled with straw which they can dig and move around to their hearts content. They can often be found like minature diggers, both paws stretched out in front pushing piles of the stuff into corners to make a bed. Middle right you will see a small bunny flap in the wall, that leads...

Into the living quarters complete with artwork of course, vet bed, low level heating, triple carpets and more importantly to keep things nice and clean...

The hay bar and twin toilet trays, both of which they like to sit in and eat. Very clean, they never bother anywhere else and they just replicate their natural instinct.

Finally a storage area which houses all the hay, usually four large bales, newspapers and assorted other items required for looking after our three continental giant rabbits. Everything has to be upscaled, tomorrow they are going for their inoculations (don't tell them!) and for that we have to use a purpose built carry case along with reinforced handles, all together around four and a half stone of bunny to lift. To the right you can see Bunnycam and left of the clock is homemade dried apple, carrot and compressed grass rings, the only treats they get as their diet consists of hay, hay, more hay, free grass and quality pellets. Doing it this way and not using a prepared rabbit mix stops selective feeding and encourages the natural rabbit digestive process.

That's it, Bunnyopolis, twice the size of my studio, something not quite right with that!

And what do Aaran, Jura and Iona think?

Well, here's Jura enjoying a bit of morning sun on a small shelf I built wondering why the hell I'm photographing and not doing something useful like feeding her banana or dried apple.

And judging from this picture it looks like a thumbs up from Iona who bounced, binkied and generally skipped away to her hearts content through the latest additions.

Aaran however just loves to look gorgeous in his big ears, never mind Bunnyopolis look at me!

Bunnyopolis, built from the rabbit up.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals