Underpants Of Mystery

It was over breakfast Monday morning that the series of weird events started to unfold. This weekend was the two day showcase event called the Spring Launch from my publisher Washington Green, essentially all the artists show their latest creations to a plethora of galleries who descend on the ICC in Birmingham and we all have a jolly good time.

They day before had been very busy and ended with a memorable night on the twenty fifth floor for a Christmas party, we went to bed happy if slightly wobbly.

The next morning though it was time to do it all again, like Groundhog Day we had breakfast, got ready for the show and started to pack our cases to check out. Only this time I noticed a small drawer in the centre of the table that I had not explored. Normally I check out every thing, sometimes to breaking point but I had overlooked this one and full of excitement expected to pull it open and find a free shoe mitt. I found pants and a small pair of ladies socks.

What do you do? Obviously I was intrigued and disgusted at the same time, intrigued that these two items appeared together in one drawer, disgusted that they looked, how shall I say it, used? Not used but placed in a manner that they may have been removed in a hurry. The socks however were scrunched into a ball. How did they end up sharing a drawer? The pants looked quite big and of the Y-front variety (I used a pencil to turn them over CSI style) whilst the socks were tiny (I used a pencil and a shoe horn to find out) images of a burly businessman indulging his fetish of wearing ladies socks entered my mind and The pants slid off the end of the pencil and onto my foot.

No,No! NO!!

Jayne found me hopping about semi naked with a shoe horn and a pencil, it took some explaining I can tell you. We checked out after creating a mystery, the pants we left enticingly peering from the top of the wardrobe whilst the socks were used as novelty feet for the cushion monster we left on the bed, it even had towel arms and eyes made from soap.

The car was a short walk away and we popped the case in the boot and seeing it was a little early decided to sit inside for a few minutes before going to the show. It was locked. No, really, it was locked. No amount of key pressing would budge it. Both electronic keys just caused it to make a small whine and I'm sure a huff, it was not happy.

So we missed the final day. Two and a half hours in a car park waiting for the recovery vehicle that couldn't find me because I didn't have a phone signal in the undercover car park and couldn't drive in because his van was too tall only to find that the engine management system had been working overtime and drained the battery. We finally got the car open manually and one jump start later the engine started, the only problem was that if we stopped, although the battery was in full working order the management system drained it quite rapidly. There was only one alternative and that was to get it into a garage, gloomily we proceeded to drive back to our dealership waving our day goodbye.

So if you were passing the Mailbox in Birmingham around 12:40pm yesterday you would have found me parked outside, bonnet up, shaking my head along with the guy from the RAC and watching pound signs flittering away into the air. Sorry if I didn't wave back.

Anyway, the blogs not about that, it's about things I find, I'm like a crap Bagpuss, I find things and quite possibly break them or make them do things they don't want to.

Take this for example, one of those magnifying mirrors that make you look really ugly in HD, great for makeup I'd imagine, although I tend to smudge my lipstick, even better for turning them into a search light. At the right angle you can shine nearby lights onto other things. Cool.

They are a bit crap for taking phone pictures for Facebook profiles though. This was my best duck face but the magnification missed me completely. It was awesome too.

Beware, hotels are now putting in these novelty microphone units in the shower, I was singing away to Tom Jones and Sex Bomb when I decided to do his trademark swing the mic between your legs when it went off. I now know what Apollo thirteen felt like when it launched. It's not very often you get pressure washed there, you have been warned.

I deduced that this was a spy camera skilfully placed at either side of the bed to create those sexy tape things you see on the Interwebspace. I pointed them up to the ceiling before I removed any items of clothing.

The free water tasted off though, I made sure by drinking all four bottles but, yes, it didn't taste like tap water.

I'm glad they included this although I fear it may be inaccurate, we have water at home that is cold so to generalise that water is hot is maybe a little foolish.

That concludes my weekend, a fun day, a strange night, a pair of pants, a van that was too big, a poorly car, a garage bill and finally as I sit typing this, snow, further scuppering our plans for today.

It's been a strange old week, I wonder if I can make it any stranger?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

CHFC

Maudlin Maude here to bring you the latest in reality blogging, Celebrity Historical Fight Club, a no hold barred smash fest, there can be only one!

Our first bout is between...

Top Model vs A Commoner, who will win? Place your bets now.

Well that was quick, after a nervous start our commoner managed to strike a blow across our top models head with his hefty shovel. Undeterred she leapt back up sporting a remarkable bruise and proceeded to pummel our commoner into submission with the back of her stilettos. As a final insult she used her bra as a makeshift sling shot hitting our commoner in the face with a bottle of perfume.

Winner - Top Model

Next up, William Shakespeare vs Stephenson's Rocket, Place your bets now!

Shakespeare made a brave attempt but really a quill is not going to help when faced with a full head of steam. Stephenson's Rocket hit the bard at a staggering 3mph causing him to spill his ink, Shakespeare retaliated by quoting from Midsommers Night Dream but the Rocket wasn't listening. Using extreme pumping action the Rockets whistle neatly parted the bards hair into what we see in paintings of the bard today. Declaring the whole event to be 'Piff Paffle' Shakespeare made the mistake of walking away from the Rocket only to find it roaring up behind at its top speed of 5mph, Shakespears simple sidestep off the tracks caused the Rocket to panic and the distinct sound of 'Focket' came from Stephenson as it ploughed into the buffers six miles away after realising that he had forgotten to install a brake. Stephenson suffered a small graze from the crash and the Rocket received a small 2inch dent from the high speed crash.

Winner - Shakespeare

Next, the Queen Mary vs Albert Flatcap and his coracle, place your bets!

This one looked like a no brainer, the Queen Mary seriously outclassed Alberts coracle until Albert unleashed his special move. As the liner raced towards him he paddled like mad using all his strength gained from whippet racing propelling himself towards the liner at a fantastic speed. Just before the collision Albert threw his cap frisbee like at the captain of the liner and leapt out of the coricle shouting 'by gum, that wa' a close bugger!'. The flat cap hit the captain temporarily blinding him as the coracle hit and punctured the liners hull. Alberts coricle was secretly made of Sheffield steel, one of the hardest things in the world apart from ferrets and clogs. The liner sunk within two minutes whilst Albert climbed back in his coracle and could last be seen paddling away to empty his eel nets.

Winner - Albert Flatcap and his coracle.

Finally a special event, Moody Ape vs Sleepy Cat in our special venue, Stonehenge, place your bets!

So sorry, this even has been called off due to cat, apparently he was too sleepy to get out of bed. When we told Moody Ape he went ape and wrecked the stadium, we are now banned from Stonehenge but you can still see today all the damage that Moody Ape did that will baffle scientists for years to come.

Tomorrow fire walking with Pinocchio whilst on the top show Loose Women, Cinderella, Snow White and Rapunzel talk about bitch.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Merry Valentine Christmas

A special occasion demands a special declaration of your love, what better way to do it than to use all those left over Christmas items. Think of it as up cycling your love and saving the environment not to mention its also a nifty way to get rid of those toe nail clippers you got bought. So in a never ending deluge of strange blog entries here's how to impress your Valentines this Easter with special Christmas gifts for their birthday.

Crackers make ideal secret admirer gifts, simply post them to the object of your desire but change the motto inside to read something a little more romantic. Imagine their surprise when they find a cracker stuck through the letterbox, imagine their further surprise when it's pulled to reveal a paper hat, plastic ring and a motto that reads 'lol, you pulled me off :) will you go out with me? Xxx A secret admirer. P.S. I'm not stalking you but I hope you don't mind me saying your diary contains terrible handwriting'

If like me you still have that old real Christmas tree stuck on its side in the back garden slowly dying away to a pile of brown needles then you have the perfect opportunity to really shine. Simply stand it back upright and vacuum the remaining needles away so you are left with a bare tree sculpture. Photograph your own buttocks and print it out a hundred times passport style size. Loop a piece of string to each one and hang them decoratively on your tree. Pop the tree outside the front door of your Valentine early in the morning and instead of an angel place a sign on top that simply says, 'I'd bend over backwards for you'. Quite simply upon discovery your Valentine will be stunned with such generosity and romance is assured.

Use old left over festive food to make a hamper of love in an old shoebox, include the following poem to describe what each item means to you and your Valentine.

'Mince pies remind me of your eyes, Christmas pud is because I would, Pringles cause you give me tingles, Christmas trifle for my Valentine eyeful, turkey breast because you have boobies. Xxx'

Using an old Santa costume trim away the white cuffs until you are left with a red suit, using lipstick give yourself two rosy cheeks and drop the beard for an instant and impressive cherub look. Wait outside your Valentines with a bow and arrow until they leave the house then leap out and try to hit them with your 'love arrows' any direct hit and they will instantly fall in love with you.

Alternatively using your old Christmas stocking strip yourself naked, attach a bow around your neck and climb in. Get a friend to write the address of your Valentine on the front and post you. Miraculously you will be delivered to your Valentine like magic, as they open up the mystery sack leap out and shout 'Sexy surprise!' and wiggle your bits. Gets them every time.

Finally, if you are still reading this drivel, take any hideous gifts you were given at Christmas and attach a bow to each, instantly they become Valentined and will be appreciated immensely by your Valentine, but for the ultimate declaration of your love wait until the stroke of midnight on the thirteenth of February and climb onto the roof of your Valentine with a bottle of Malibu. Strip down to your pants and holler 'Naughty or nice, here I come!' as you climb down the chimney. Shout 'Ho,Ho,Ho, I'm here to show how I function with my love truncheon' as you slip and slide down into the bedroom of your Valentine. Burst out from the fireplace and immediately launch yourself on top of them and whisper 'Will you be my Valentine?' in their ear.

Celebrate by sharing your Malibu.

Follow these handy tips and you will have the perfect romantic day, tomorrow I show you how to celebrate a birthday using real tigers, a shoe and several hammers.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Love Story

Love is in the air and the Impossimals are feeling all romantic, this Valentines the latest releases All4Love takes us through an Impossimal love story.

But what is your love story?

As part of the Valentines celebrations the Impossimals want to do something special for you. If you own an Impossimal print, painting or sculpture that is part of your story tell us about it, include a romantic photo with your Impossimal that we can feature on the blog and your address and send it to :-

impossimal@gmail.com

The first twenty we receive will get a personal Valentines dedication in return to go with their piece. :)

You have until the 7th February to tell us your story and we will make sure you get your dedication by Valentines day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sensible Safety

Here at Bunnyfluffs Health & Safety Tufty Club Ltd I want to inform you of the potential hazards in your daily routine and help you avoid potential accidents and inconvenience.

Lets start with potty training, as an adult you may think you know everything about going to the loo la but did you know that 14,263 slipping seat accidents could have been avoided last year if people had been informed about the correct way to sit? The most important thing when making yourself comfortable is to make sure both feet touch the floor, sliding backwards or 'dunking the apples' as its known is a common mistake. Make sure that both feet touch the floor and remain vertical to your body, splaying at this stage will cause unnecessary pressure on your lower back whilst leaning forwards will cause you to tumble into a messy forward roll.

The are of course exceptions, if you have had a particularly heavy night you are of course allowed to assume the brace position using towel rails and toilet roll holders. In extreme cases the toilet brush can be used as an emergency crutch.

Toilet roll should be completely unwound to check for sharp corners before being rewound onto the spool. At night trap one end of the toilet roll in the lid of the toilet and return to your bed leaving behind a trail of toilet paper like the Andrex puppy. Pull this tight and tie it to your bed post, then if you have the urge to use the loo in the night simply straddle the paper and shuffle along keeping the paper between your legs to find the toilet in the dark without the need for pesky lights.

Always wash your hands, I personally wash my hands six times in a row, spin round three times, throw salt over my left shoulder and chant 'Now I have been, six times thrice I am clean'. A simple routine I'm sure you will find easy to incorporate, after all it's hygienic.

Carrots are the best food to eat, they are orange and you can eat the packaging. They will give you x-ray vision, they smell carroty and taste like carrots. Eating carrots is a great way to lose weight and maintain a healthy heart. Carrots taste like chocolate if chocolate tasted like carrot. Carrots make suitable substitutes for cigars and have less of the side effects, I have also been told they can be used for something else too but I seem to have forgotten what. Carrots are great. I love carrots. No really, I luuurve carrots. Gimme a carrot dammit. I'm being paid in carrots to write this lousy article, where are they?

I am not writing any more unless you give me a carrot.

Thankyou. I'll carry on... Munch,munch

What the hell is this? Whatever this is don't eat it, in fact don't even look at it. Look at it, it's hideous! Why is it all slimy and wet? Do you eat it raw?

Take it away, I'm disgusted. It's made my ears curl.

This is more like it. Knives cause more accidents in the kitchen than tins of beans. To avoid becoming a cropper learn to use your knives properly. Practice knife throwing in the kitchen, pretty soon you will be able to spear fruit from ten paces. Amaze visitors by pinning toast to the wall after it has been fired from a toaster. All this practice pays off and because of your new knife skills you will have less accidents, it really is that simple.

Running with scissors has always been frowned on but if you always carry a pair with you it soon becomes second nature. Here I am just about to take part in a marathon, notice I'm carrying my scissors, point out, so if I do fall I stab someone else instead.

When ascending any kind of staircase never, ever do it upright. The correct procedure is to bend down and slowly put your hand on the first step followed by one leg. Then slowly put the other hand on the step,and raise your second leg. Repeat until you reach the top and reverse the procedure to descend. If at work it is permissible for ladies to ascend and descend stairs in a sidesaddle way to avoid potential embarrassment. Simply sit on the step and keeping your legs together swing them up, repeat as necessary. If you need to carry anything up or down a staircase simply get an untrained colleague to do it for you. You never know you might get a comedy fall to laugh at.

Snow, a potential hazard, it is not recommended to stay out in it too long due to its freezing temperatures. To combat frost bite build all your snowmen indoors next to an open fire, not only will you be warm but the very next day your snowman will have miraculously tidied itself away.

Pricks. That's what you get from these very dangerous cacti, plants that have been known to hook small children and eat pets. Nasty things, if you see them run away before they fire their spikes at you.

This is called the Happy Truth Drink, I love this stuff, it's far safer than water and I recommend you consume the government guidelines of two litres a day to remain healthy and to cope with today's hectic lifestyle and pressures. I'm going to have a little drinky now, care to join me? I know it's early but somewhere in the world it's night time.

Wow, everything is like awesome. Did you know, did you know, did you know you are my best buddy. Hic!

Buuuurrpp! Pardon me garçon, that was a great kebab, put cheese on me chips and don't hold back on the vinegar. Cm'ere love, do you like rabbits? I've got a big car and stuff, let me show you my impression of an elephant using just my turned out pockets.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, what did I do last night. The only thing I can remember is running down the street naked shouting 'I'm the real Ken Dodd and here's my tickling stick, what a wonderful day for sticking a cucumber through a letterbox and shouting quick, the Martians have landed!'

Best thing to do to avoid any form of accidents is to stay in bed, yes, that's it, phone up work, phone up your school, phone a friend, tell them all you are not coming in today because of bed. I'm sure they will understand.

It is my duty to leave you with a handy poster to remind people of health and safety at work, print it out and pin it up in bathrooms, canteens and even in your own office.

Have a safe day!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Masterminder

Arthur Daley here, Your modern entrepreneur is constantly gazing into the crystal ball of opportunity so have a gander at my latest money maker, a quiz show. Get anything wrong and I'll send Terry round to push you down the apple and pears.

Your chosen subject is answering questions using a song title, lets begin.

Q. What was Fergie, The Duchess Of York known as and by whom?

A. Queen and 'Fat Bottomed Girls'

Q. In the popular book Fifty Shades Of Grey what happens in the red room?

A. Meat Loaf and 'I'd do anything for love (But I won't do that)'

Q. You discover a small insect in the bath, what is it?

A. Beatles and 'She Came In Through The Bathroom Window'

Q. In fiscal policy describe the current euro situation in three words.

A. Europe and 'The Final Countdown'

Q. In the bible what chapter did Moses appear in and what could he not do?

A. Genesis and 'I Can't Dance'

 

That's it for this round, now for the general knowledge round where you supply a question to my answer.

A. Chimp Scissors.

Q. What do you call scissors for cutting chest hair?

A. A Clowns Pocket.

Q. Where would a clown put his hankie?

A. No.

Q. Is there a way to scratch a scratch card without scratching it?

A. A Blowhole.

Q. If you eat a curry followed by pizza and six pints of lager what do you get?

 

Finally for a bonus point fill in the blanks using just one word.

------- is good for you although you can get wet handling it and a slippery one is difficult to hold on to. ------- come in all sizes, from the disappointing to the oh my god variety, size though makes no difference to your enjoyment unless of course you are trying to please a lot of people at once.

The correct answer was of course 'fish'

You have scored 0/0

Want to buy a new motor?

I have just the one for you, only one lady owner.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Monday Madness

Check your kitchen cupboard, check your fridge, check your groceries, they are everywhere! Disguised as innocent looking cabbages a new life form threatens your existence. Meet King Cabbagedula The Merciless, intelligent brain like leader of the Vegatobulis, a race of grocery looking aliens hell bent on our destruction.

Earthlings, I am King Cabbagedula The Merciless, not to be confused with Cucumbadula The Hard One or indeed Bananadula The Useful One. I am here to inform you that we, the Vegatobulis have taken over your puny earth right under your noses. We have been here for many centuries but our numbers were decimated for years until the early 1970's when demand for our flesh started to decline. Our population tripled as you humans decided to become more convenient and enjoy burgers and pizza instead. Our revenge will be sweet, already we have inflicted a swelling of the stomach disease that your scientists have failed to explain. Your next generations are already showing signs of being defeated although some of your are fighting back with small pockets of resistance which will soon be crushed as we carry on increasing our prices until you cannot afford us any more.

Recently I have enlisted help from Fruitimuti, founders of the Fierce Fruit movement that helped make fruit expensive in an attempt to counteract the Change For Life campaign by your disordered leaders. We cannot be beaten, we will not be stopped, pretty soon you will be on your knees begging for our help to reverse your afflictions. We will win!

Is that a talking cabbage?

I think it is you know. Hey you lot, come out here, there's a talking cabbage!

Mmmmph, mmph, chomp, munch, munch. Not saying much is he? You must have been hearing things Jura.

THE END

OR IS IT?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sunday Super Sheep Shop

As a reader of this blog this month we are giving you the chance to buy some of the latest in sheep lambology. If you place an order within the next ten days I will give you a foldaway feed bag on wheels entirely free!

 iBaaBaa - Cordless communication with flock to flock technology. £3
Want to know who's on the other side of the hedge? Screen your friends before you let them into the barn from the safety of your straw bed. Comes complete with panic alarm to alert friends when its going to rain and thus avoid them shrinking in the downpour.

 Ladybaa Tent - Hours of fun. Only 14d in coppers.
Keep you amused for ages, simple to erect even a giddy goat can do it. It has a secret entrance and a door. Hours of fun by going in and out the door again and again. Grass free inside, bring your own.

 Posh Storage Table - Saves Space. £999
Ewes show off to your Baafriend with this exquisite space saving coffee table. No more cluttered fields, simply put everything in this handy storage system which doubles up as a nifty hay rack in emergencies. Sit down and nibble a tuft of grass safe in the knowledge your field is tidy and secure. NB Item made of wood, not suitable for pipe smoking sheep.

 Easy Wear Baaftan - Fashion At Its Most Convenient. £1.29
Flattering Baaftan, one size fits all, even ewe. Perfect for all day wear with its full length flowing style. Versatile and waterproof it feels as light as a feather, ideal for use after being shorn. NB Not for use on farms owned by amorous farmers.

 Electric Grindbaa - Super Tool At An Affordable Price. £1000
Sand, grind, drill or sharpen other farm animals with minimum effort but maximum results. Start up a pedicure business, be the first in your field. Remarkable opportunity. Manufactured with lambs in mind, easy grip, comes with fifty attachments.

64K Lambtop - Surf The Interweb. Wi-Fi enabled. Only 2p!

Using the latest Wi-Field technology surf the Interweb whilst enjoying the sun and that ever so special patch of grass you have found to sit on. Laugh at Cats, find Ram Porn, Post on Farmbook! Comes complete with Webcam for Face to Face Baatime. NB Not weatherproof, needs mains supply, please check with your farmer that its available in your field.

Comfy Cushion - Got a Baad Back? No More! £83.34
Our support pillow is the perfect end of the day comfort your barn has been crying out for. Be the envy of the pigs and cows as you snuggle down into this pillow resting your aching back after chewing the cud for several hours. Lots of fun. NB May smell after a few days, tumble dry for best results. The pillow that is, not you, it may shrink. You that is not the pillow.

Phone orders taken immediately or visit our website at www.sundaysupersheepshopdirect.baa.co.uk

That's Snowpossimal!

Spurred on by all your wonderful Snowpossimals this week I have been bitten by the Snowimpossimal bug big time, so today when I had seen it had snowed heavily I rushed outside to check the consistency. Yes, I know that's quite sad but really I wanted one last go at something really complex. Fortunately the snow was exactly what is required for snow sculpture, slightly firm and wet, not powdery at all. So out came the trowel, dibber and fingers and away I went.

I piled everything together and packed it all down by hand, then I etched in the outlines of the Impossimals so I could gauge the dimensions, just like painting really.

Once that was in place I started to hack away I to the snow, removing all the bits that didn't look Impossimal using a printout of the piece I was recreating. I had made all this before in plasticine for the painting so I pretty much knew what to expect.

Gradually it came to life, although the chair arm did collapse once but a bit more snow took care of that.

Nearly there, just add the donut, mug and mutt to complete.

Home Comforts, snow style, three foot high and around seven foot long, total time to make, one hour :)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals