It's Madness!

'It's carpet madness at Carpetright this weekend' (other carpet showrooms are available including a delightful feel my pile section at Shagpiles'r'Us)

Seriously, just what type of madness are we talking about here? Do customers arriving through the door get thrown into a world that involves cross dressing goats, baths full of prawns and a chance to beat the life out of a naked employee wearing a pair of small Axminster underpants?

Maybe I'm taking this all wrong, but the adverts sounded so convincing. Probably stretching it a bit to knock a few quid off and call it madness but then again who knows what counts for madness in the murky world of under shoe coverings.

But then again I'm reading everything wrong at the moment. Take this advert, 30% less sugar it proudly announces. I'd take that to be 30% less sugar in the product advertised, wouldn't you? If you read the small print it's actually 30% less than most other full sugared drinks so really they may not have even taken any sugar out at all, just compared it to the most sugary, notice the word 'most' and found a statistic to exploit.

My favourite though is the neat little statistics they throw in, '85% of women agree that their hair felt like real hair after using our products' or '92% of men couldn't tell the difference, 8% couldn't give a toss'. See, statistics, only this time they are pretty meaningless as they are usually followed by 'from a survey of 135 women' or 'we asked 89 men over a three month period', don't you get the impression that most of this is actually made up? Do you know of any reputable survey businesses that use such a low amount of people in a survey? Buying a product on the basis that the number of people that gave it the thumbs up would fit on a bus compared to a population of 63,200,000 is a tad silly. 85% of 135 people is around 114.9 give or take a finger or two, lets say its 115. Take that as a percentage of the population and you have 0.0002%, pretty tiny isn't it?

Many years ago our household was selected for a survey into mental illness, don't ask me how or why and I can see you smirking but we sat there incredulous as the first question was 'are you mentally unstable?' No, but I work at a carpet shop and I'm full of madness at the weekends. Seriously, as an opening question it's a bit blunt, it was followed by questions not designed to give an insight into mental illness but instead carried on in a similar vain with 'Do you feel happy all the time?' and the incredulous 'If you had voices in your head would you attack somebody?', no, if I had voices in my head I'm sure they would tell me to take mental illness seriously and rip up your silly little survey that isn't helping one bit.

If you need any more silliness in 2006 I received a phonecall doing a survey that was looking at the kind of value that creative services generate in our region, try as I might they would not believe I was just an artist working from my dining room they had the impression that I employed thousands so I was feeling a bit rakish when she asked the question 'Just what kind of figures does your company bring into the region?' I replied £175 million. She wrote it down.

'Excuse me, did you just write that down?'

'Yes, it will help with the survey when we generate the final report.'

'Do you check the information your given?'

'That's what I'm doing now, that's why we are phoning people directly rather than sending the survey through the post.'

'But I just lied.'

'Did you, on what, the number of employees?'

And there in lies the problem, in reality I'm a one man band that works in a dining room farting around with brushes but so easily on paper you can become a multinational company with thousands of employees dabbling in multimillion deals skewing the creative industry demographic for the region for years ahead.

It seems madness is not only restricted to carpets.

Oh, and the mental health survey said I was a borderline psychotic schizophrenic bipolar disordered depressive individual with a penchant for statistics and random blog entries. Got that one wrong didn't they!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Murder She Wrote

I'm on the last leg of Bloodlines, tidying everything up including all the oil sketches that went into creating the collection. Over the last two weeks I have been writing all the stories from my notes, tying up dates, objects and people through a timeline that covers around six hundred years. It's been quite tough, a years work for twelve paintings, each one starting with a scene built in miniature, scenes that have covered streets, kitchens, meadows, shops, clock towers, underwater and even one set in a fortune telling amusement cabinet.

To all that was added objects, a little under three hundred were painted in with weird items like sandwiches, bank notes, guns, false teeth and balloon whisks. Add a sprinkle of hidden objects, codes to break and things to find twisted with popular culture and icons to mix it all up. Then came the names, a Slurping Sipper Slosher, The Monsterous Rampant Jekylled Whatabanker, not your normal names I think you would agree. Finally the stories, a series of letters passed between two people that chart the discovery of the history behind each painting cumulating in a murderous game of cat and mouse.

That is Bloodlines, a mentally unstable dash through history. I'll leave you with the last lines of the story...

' We need to do something Edward, this whole business is starting to unnerve me; I’m constantly looking over my shoulder and questioning everything around me. The Lost Impossimals contain some kind of secret, a dangerous secret that has been hidden for hundreds of years, we are fools to try and unlock its mysteries. It’s been made worse by two new discoveries this morning, firstly all the paintings are connected like an intricate jigsaw and secondly hidden in every painting is...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

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Why Lionel Why?

Hello Blog, it's been four days since I went away to write the rest of Bloodlines so I seem to have neglected you lately. So now I'm back and poised at the keyboard what shall we talk about?

Hi, I'm Lionel, the mystical question answering lying lion, what is your first question?

Hi Lionel, why is the sky blue?

The sky is blue due to an incredibly complex series of events that rely on generations of mice choirs. The choirs normally perform between the hours of 1-2am on hills throughout the land where their voices produce visible musical notes that fly into the sky and pass through the clouds. As they get higher and higher the air used to produce the note is squeezed out and they turn blue. In the morning the sun warms them up and they glow a lovely shade of light blue which is why we have blue skies. In 1967 the mice decided to rebel and instead went to the hills and bottom trumpeted in unison, the very next day we were treated to a spectacular display of colour in the sky and the underlying smell of rotten eggs that lasted a week.

Hi Lionel, do you lie?

No I do not, lies are bad, something I said to Charles Darwin just before he published his Origin Of Species. 'It's a bit far fetched isn't it' I said to Charles, why not chuck in a bit of sauce, everyone loves some rumpypumpy but he was having none of it. Pity as I'm sure it would have been a great sensation, he could have called it Fifty Shades Of Natural Selection With Bondage - Fantastic worldwide locations, hot nights in the jungle, HMS Beagle cruising action and sexy tortoises.

Hi Lionel, Toki Pona is the worlds easiest language with only 123 words to learn to express the most using the least, is that true?

Actually the easiest language to learn is Mubu Tubu and consists of two words. Mwahadimduba-alala-dingalingadingdong and Na, which translates as yes and no. Everything is reduced to simple yes, no structures enabling easy communication although it makes asking questions a little difficult so it's recommended you learn a second language to help.

Hi Lionel, I'm popping to the shops do you want anything fetching?

No thanks, I don't need to go shopping any more I have one of those new 3D printers and I print everything I want to eat. I just download the blueprints from the Interwebspace and viola, instant twenty six course menus and if I bored I'll download the blue print for a Lancaster Bomber and go for a bit of dambusting. Only last night I got it to print out a hot dog, including the gristle, it came out piping hot and tasted delicious.

Hi Lionel, how do I attract girls?

It's really very easy, when you go out to a bar or club simply go naked and smear yourself in strawberry jam. Slip small donuts over your fingers for bling. Stand on the dance floor and bend over to the front to touch your toes, repeat until you get all the female attention you can handle. Alternatively use this chat up line 'OMG LOL WTF ROTFL I SPK TXT SPK DO U CAUS I WNT 2 TXT UR INBOX WIV MI DONGLE' be sure to make a clicking sound between each word to simulate typing a text.

Hi Lionel, I'm stuck on Candy Crush can you help?

I can't but I know who can. Visit your nearest Candy Crush Addicts Recovery Centre, you will find them in the yellow pages. They will be able to guide you safely through all 350 levels whilst easing your addiction by recreating the pain of crushing candy. They will strap you to a chair and pass varying levels of electricity through your nipples according to how much you crush. From a simple twelve volts for creating a horizontal stripe to virtually blowing your nipples off if you get a sugar rush. One addict mistakenly joined two colour bombs made from matching five which sent a whopping 20,000 volts through his ring piece causing him to pucker so severely he broke his legs.

Hi Lionel, what is the meaning of life?

Well, you get out what you put in unless you eat sweetcorn which always comes out the same as it goes in which is really weird when you think about it. Come to think about it that doesn't apply to vending machines either. Life it seems is a series of mitigated disasters filled with assholes each spaced out over the years to strategically give you the chance to meet one every day only punctuated with moments of joy when you manage to have a good dump.

Hi Lionel, how did the dinosaurs become extinct?

It's all down to the Tyrannasaurus Rex, when Noah was loading the ark he wrote to all the dinosaurs to ask them to come along before it started raining, it would be fun he said, just let us know you can make it and we will make space. Unfortunately the brontosaurus that dealt with the dinosaurs mail was off ill that week and his replacement the T-Rex couldn't reach down to pick up the mail so it remained unopened until the ark sailed away. The dinosaurs were furious and decided instead to live underground and that's the reason we find so many bones buried today.

Hi Lionel, are you mad?

If thinking about flying dogs spinning tea cups on their noses whilst breakdancing cats pop out moves in front of the pope is normal then no, I am perfectly sane.

Woof.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

You're a Star, I'm a Star, Everyone's a Starfish.

Being a middle aged starfish in today's society isn't easy. All I want to do is be a star shape fish but I'm shown skinny starfish in all the magazines to make me body conscious, I'm told what I eat is bad for me, not to smoke, do more exercise like star jumps or swimming and I'm made to fear the world through the scaremongering media whilst my savings are drained with little interest paid and food, petrol, insurance and a multitude of other things rising in price. It's just not worth being a starfish somedays, I just want to go wishywashy in the sea and bob around without a care in the world but because of the pollution I'm forced to live in this one up one down emergency accommodation.

Sigh, being a middle aged starfish is tough, it's the little things that annoy though.

I love a cup of coffee, it makes my points tingle even though the kettle is not starfish friendly I manage to struggle most days and get it to boil.

The bloody milk bottles though, completely unsuitable for starfish. Who on earth designed them? I may have five limbs but even I can't lift a full four pints, not only that they put the milk shelf so high in a fridge it takes me fifteen minutes to climb up to it. Even when I get it back down I still have the problem of twisting the cap, my little arms are getting weaker and I have trouble twisting.

It's the same if I fancy a snack, I mean what starfish could stretch far enough to rip open a bag of crisps when the bags are made out of such tough plastic. Last time I tried I could only open it a few inches and spent the rest of the night having to crawl in and out of the bag every time I wanted one. Pringles are as bad, come on guys I only have short arms, think on!

I do like a good read though but I have to stick to the old fashioned books. Using a kindle is a nightmare and I slip off the screen.

So how does a middle aged emergency housed starfish cope with all this modern inconvenience? Easy, I use a whole new concept. I call it the Stardrunk, it's like a Starjump only you end up face down feeling rough instead of leaping up full of energy. Works for me!

Burp! Oh, hell. Where am I, what did I do with that minnow last night? I knew that triple tequila Guinness whiskey slammer was a mishtake.

Did I just say mish?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fingering For An Answer

 

One of the biggest problems for me with painting and using the chemicals associated with them is dry cracked hands. Over the years I have used many methods to avoid it with varying degrees of success so I decided to google it and see what I could find.

Well, I haven't had my retina burned as much since I decided to innocently search for a 'nice cream pie'

"I cook every day with butter and always rub it on my hands, I also rub in bacon grease and any animal fat I cook with. Rub it in hard then let your dog lick it off, my fingertips haven't cracked for two seasons."

I bet. Unfortunately I don't fancy my fingers smelling like sausages to passing pooches, call me picky but doesn't it make life a little difficult leaving greasy bacon flavoured marks on everything you touch? Anyway, I soldered on and found this bit of sage advice.

"I wonder why they use world plant oils as a replacement for the animal skin oil we lose that results in dry skin, too bad they don't have lotion made from human oil skin"

WTF! Freshly pressed humans to make an oil hat nourishes your skin? Seriously, you have issues, well played Internet, well played indeed.

"Burn a candle and pour the hot wax over the cracked areas, it may sting but the wax will seal in the moisture."

Wow, never thought of that, I must set fire to a wax stick immediately, I'm sure the burning sensation will make me completely forget about the cracks and the third degree burns will remind me how effective it is as a remedy. I suppose you might be the same person that suggested wire wool and detol makes a great scrub for your genitals. Took me three weeks with my legs in stirrups to get over that one.

"Use udder cream or nipple cracking cream, both are ideal to soothe damaged hands. Regularly rub udder cream in vigorously and work it into a lather to make them feel extra sexy"

Eeek, I think you are posting in the wrong forum, the last thing I want to do is 'work up a sexy lather' when dealing with udder cream, try Cow Pokers Corner, the forum for Cow Fanciers With Dubious Practices next door.

"I tried all kind of lotions, bandaids and superglue before I tried Tipex and now I wouldn't use anything else. A blob of Tipex on the end of my fingers each day seals the tips and I haven't had dry or cracked skin for years."

You have probably not had any friends either as they were too embarrassed to be seen with you and your white tipped digits. Superglue? I know it was developed to heal wounds in the Vietnam war but using it on cracked fingers is a little extreme, I mean, what if it isn't dry and you nip to the loo? Last thing I want is a digit permanently stuck to my bottom hole.

This next one delivers a little too much information, if you are looking to steal an identity he's your guy. This was posted openly as a reply to cracked and dry hands...

"I'm a male, 5' 9" and 140 pounds soaking wet after eating a pizza LOL. but I suffer the same problem. However, I've been working long hours in the last month or so though (I work in advertising, so sometimes days are 9am - 10pm or later), at my company's building, and incidentally, washing my hands with the soap in the lav there much more than in the past.

But I went to college in the midwest, just south of Lake Michigan, and survived some brutal winters....with and without gloves, and NEVER experienced this problem before."

I'm sure the guy has a problem but in two short paragraphs we know his name, height, weight, preference for food, job type, hours worked, toilet hygiene habits and where he went to college, a brief look at his profile and we have his age too and we also know he has cracked and sore fingers. It gets worse. On the same site was this...

"I used to have cracked fingers from fishing but I found that if I stroke an otter after touching fish my fingers don't crack any more, it's as if otter oil is protecting my fingers. Does anybody make otter oil?"

Oh Internet you really have excelled yourself, I must try that and nip to Boots to see if they have an otter I can purchase to liberally rub up against every day, it will match the goose I stroke to relieve my symptoms of anxiety and the pygmy goat I lick to relieve flatulance.

"the best treatment for severely dry, cracking skin is prevention."

Hang on, prevention is not treatment, it's like, prevention.

"Rub castor oil on your hands and wear cotton socks on them overnight."

Yes, and wake up screaming when you think your legs are wrapped around the back of your neck.

"You might consider increasing the amount of oil you consume in your diet, drinking more olive or hemp oil will increase the suppleness of your skin and prevent a variety of skin disorders."

Really? Well pour me a pint of your finest virgin olive oil and fire up the chip pan, I'm about to grease my insides up, I can almost feel the lubrication oozing out of every pore. It may prevent a variety of skin disorders apart from one, stretching. A couple of weeks of this and my skin will feel like a babies bum that coupled with the twenty six stone I have piled on will increase my confidence and allow me to call myself 'bubbly'.

"Handle some sheep! Makes your hands soft as a babys butt. Use Lanolin, just don't get too close to a male sheep during breeding season, as that lanolin is some strong-smelling stuff!"

No comment.

You always know its time to stop googling when you reach entries like this.

"I know of a brick mason that came to my taxidermy shop to beg bear fat to render for his hands, failing that he wanted possum."

And this...

"I find fat or grease hard to wear so I have come up with a handy alternative. Go to Walmart and buy some dollar sausages, fry them and let them cool. Use a sharp knife and cut them lengthways before sliding them onto your fingers. Keep them on for as long as possible then eat them, I haven't had problems since."

No, I bet you haven't.

It's been really difficult typing this today what with all the Tipex, oil and sausage grease dripping off my fingers that I have had to resort to wrapping them in my underpants so I'm sat here butt naked next to an otter sipping at my gin and Mazola. I hope one of these works or I'm going to feel a real idiot but at least I'll have a snack to cheer me up and I have managed to work up a sexy lather.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Stickywicky

 

Move the camera I thought, it will be easy I thought. The camera in Bunnyopolis we decided need a slight adjustment so we could see more of the area, it was only a simple move from one corner to the other but as usual with these things it all got rather messy.

I unscrewed the fixings from the roof and made little holes ready in the new position,a five minute job. The camera has several screws that can be tightened or loosened depending on how much you want to swivel it and this needed to be adjusted before I fixed it in place. Lets just say they are fiddly, even more so when a screw the size of a gnats chuff pops out and falls in a bale of hay. Now I have hit the age where my eyesight requires telescopes to focus properly anymore looking for something the size of a grain of rice in a pile of dried grass is about as funny as accidentally trapping my testicles in a vice.

Without the missing screw the camera just hung limply and had no intention of standing upright which again draws similarities between it and the vice accident, and yes that did occur and no I'm not going to elaborate but I will add I was fully clothed so none of your sordid thoughts, I know your type. Anyway, I found the screw about six foot away from the bale I had taken apart. The buns weren't amused and gave me a leg poke in disgust as if to say 'stupid' we knew it was there. With screw found the camera regained its normal stiffness, all it needed now was to be fixed in place.

For some unfathomable reason they have housed one of the screws directly under the camera housing so getting to it and fixing it in the ceiling requires gymnastic dexterity and the flexibility of being eight when you could trip and bounce down the stairs without harm. I however do not share this dexterous feat and found myself leaning backwards, neck twisted and hunched in a corner whilst I balanced on one foot and wriggled around trying to locate the screw. It was about then I was startled by a tap on my head in an empty Bunnyopolis and swung around frightened what I might see. Is Bunnyopolis haunted?

No it isn't, the fly tape we hang to catch flies in Bunnyopolis had stick to my hair, not only that as I swung around it wrapped around my face and across my mouth, flies and all. I don't know if you have ever touched fly tape but let me say its like no other sticky stuff you have ever touched before. It's like a cross between the old Bostick mixed with treacle and superglue.

I screamed, well, I tried to scream but just swallowed flies so I did the next best thing and panicked to an audience of three startled rabbits. Pulling the strip off my face removed enough hair so I didn't have to shave for three days and came off with the noise of ripping calico taking half an eyebrow with it too. I got enough off to shout Jayne who rushed in thinking I was having some kind of seizure, I must have looked a sight wobbling about with hair strewn everywhere and fly tape flailing around me as I tried to keep it away by holding it like one would a poison snake. It was still attached to the back of my head and I dared not rip it off as quite possibly I would have tore a nice little bald path up to my already balding crown making it look like a path to a picnic area, albeit a bare one.

It took a good half hour to extract the tape without too much hair loss, I'm still finding flies though in the oddest of places and I found my hands were covered in a sticky tackiness that allows me to perform miraculous lifting feats by merely brushing objects. Only yesterday I managed to lift a chest of draws by simply placing my palms on the top and raising my arms. I dare not stroke the buns for fear of lifting them up and eating is a nightmare as Jayne has to now cut everything and throw them into my mouth. It took three hours to remove a banana from my hand after I fancied a snack.

So top tip, if you have the misfortune to get fly paper in your hair never ever tug at it unless of course you want the equivalent of a Brazilian to your head and never speak with a mouthful of flies, Bluebottles do not taste like chicken.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Party!

Castle Galleries in Meadowhall looked great on Saturday, an ideal setting for a Impossimal launch party, nice and colourful filled with Impossimals to make you smile.

 It got very busy, very quickly, this was one of the only shots of the gallery we could snatch for the first two hours as collector after collector came in through the door.

 Many were Facebook friends, others we new faces mixed in with familiar ones we have met over the course of the years. A great atmosphere with plenty of smiles.

We had a constant stream of collectors and managed to give away a whopping 287 badges, a fantastic amount but it was so busy halfway through we had to turn the queues around to open the space up a little.

So a big thank you to everyone who came, I know it was a little manic at times and to try and cater for this we stayed an extra two hours extending the appearance until close to six'o'clock that night.

 A tremendous day, I leave you with Roy and his first Impossimal piece 'The Best Things In Life Are Sweet'

Thanks guys! We will be back later in the year and we can't wait!

Saturday 25th May

Before the blog gets back to its normal mental overload just one last post about the great event this Saturday the 25th May at Castle Galleries, Meadowhall. An Impossimal launch party for the two new pieces 'Cake'O'Clock and 'Meet The Family', its entirely free so come along and join in the fun between 1-4pm. We will both be there along with the two originals to the new releases to chat about the Impossimals and generally have a great fun filled afternoon, there will even be a free badge for all that attend.

So a wonderful weekend lined up, the gallery is ready, the Impossimals are waiting, see you tomorrow!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Building A Bloodline

Nine months ago I set myself a task, no ordinary task though, I was going to recreate the streets of Victorian London. In miniature, in my studio, in six square feet of space. Looking back it was absolute madness to think about it, how on earth was I going to do it, not only that but I wanted to populate it with Lost Impossimals too.

This morning I put the final brushstrokes to the last painting, it joins an army of preparatory work including charcoal and oil sketches, plein air studies and miniatures all used to build up the final imagery and to create Bloodlines, the second part of the Lost Impossimals. In my diary I noted that the model making alone had taken up nearly six weeks of the nine months so I thought today I would have a flick through some of the more unusual things I created.

Above is the first scene I built, it's a four foot street with two storey buildings and a viaduct at the end, primarily this was to be the setting for a showdown between the Sherlock Sidewinder and its greatest adversary. To make it all look real I needed to light it correctly as the encounter was to take place at night.

So I built several lighting rigs from old batteries, bulbs and in this case wood and screws for the terminals. These were used in mock lamp posts to cast light and shadows.

The lighting rig remained in use as I continued to build with my version of a fortune telling machine created using a shoebox and an old picture frame. Another prop for another painting.

By the time I had reached model number twelve I had started to become a little more ambitious, this one had forty objects created for it, all part of a Victorian picnic spread out on a striped blanket.

But it was nothing compared to the next model which combined the history of the Magic Circle with flying false teeth, guillotenes, mirrors made out of silver foil and a peculiar puzzle box sat on a table.

Just when I thought I couldn't push it any further I decided to build Big Ben, the sculpture was around two foot tall made out of sturdy card, it had to be as it had to withstand a plasticine Impossimal weighing a couple of pounds in weight. The model was used to get the correct angle and perspective, I then used photographs to work out all the detailing. The image above shows the working out of all the angles and perspectives and was probably one of the most difficult to paint, Big Ben took a week to get right before I could start on the rest of it.

Constructing a Victorian kitchen was aided by watching a program from the 70's called simply the Victorian Kitchen, a gentle romp through the duties of cook and gardener working to supply a grand house with food throught the year. The range is based on a common design whilst the other furniture was created to scale to fit in. The beauty of using sets is the ability to move the camera around to find new angles with which to capture adding a more dynamic approach.

Finally the Victorian Sweetshop and street, I left the best till last, this was to be lit from the left and from the inside of the Sweetshop to create multiple shadows and light sources. Three days to model, three weeks to paint.

So that's it, all done. Each painting has been carefully created to give you a glimpse into a different world, a world that looks real because in effect it has been painted from real life. Over three hundred objects are contained in the paintings covering stories involving baking, thrifty living, retro sweets, chocolate, the magic circle, murder mysteries, board games, money, time, picnics, candy crush and much more with nods to Bram Stoker, Roald Dahl, Mary Berry, Mrs Beeton, Arthur Conan Doyle and many more along the way, that is just the tip of the iceberg though. Codes, hidden object games and connections through pieces and their contents adds a new puzzle level whilst the inclusion of dynamic under painting and natural light finishing will make them reveal even more after dark.

In essence Bloodlines is a world that existed with stories that will twist your reality to the extreme, you get to peek through it's windows this September.

I hope you are ready.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Blowhole

Last night I wasted two hours of my life. Not out of choice mind you but I was conned into it. Let me explain.

A few days ago I recorded a program about the Dambusters, more to the point, a program about recreating a bouncing bomb from scratch made famous by the daring midnight raids that ninteen lancaster bombers took part in to destroy three dams and in turn Germanys heavy manufacturing infrastructure. I have a massive interest in how everything works and the bouncing bomb had intrigued me since I was young, I even experimented myself using tin cans to try and understand the logic that went into the making of such a device. It was complex, but I quickly discovered by reading an excellent book that the tin can needed to rotate against the direction of travel, this helped the bounce. Not only that but the angle of the drop counted too so I made a small launcher using a couple of wire coat hangers and played away until I understood a little about the complexities.

So as the program started last night we were shown the immense task ahead, they were going to build a replica dam and blow it up bouncing bomb style. Wow, lets pop open a bottle and settle down to watch. Well, it didn't get off to a good start. A Cambridge professor was shown dropping two wood and cardboard bombs from the top of Kings College only to land in a child's sandpit, not very thrilling. I was even less thrilled as the top engineering lecturer decided to research Barnes Wallis using his old archived papers and didn't realise from the start the bomb had to spin so we had to watch some poor attempts at a recreation before the light bulb moment came on.

It was mildly interesting but never got into the nitty gritty of it all, he only needed to have looked on Wikipedia and he could have gotten to the bombing bit a little faster. What really interested me though was the special permission they had been granted in Canada to build a small scale dam and breach it with a bomb. Thrilling. It must have cost a fortune too, how cool, build it and blast it. There followed a few practice sessions away from the dam, some interesting, some laughable as they used a contraption that looked uncannily like my coat hanger one to release the bomb. Interestingly the spinning of the bomb was done before the aircraft took off as opposed to using a small engine as they did in the real Dambusters planes adding to a few more problems.

One hundred and ten minutes in and finally the dam was built and the plane was about to make its first real practice run. Then the dam sprung a leak, oh no! Fearing it wasn't going to last too long the pilot swooped down and dropped the dummy bomb. It bounced and bounced and bounced eventually slamming into the wall of the dam to ragged cheers. Things were looking good but with only minutes of the program left how are we going to take in the final real run using proper explosives?

We wasn't that was the answer. Health and safety stepped in and instead of loading the bomb onto the plane to do it for real it was gently lowered to the correct place beside the dam using a fishing rod contraption and detonated once everyone was clear. I'm not joking, a bloody program about a bouncing bomb and not only doesn't it bounce at the end but we see a hastily rushed finish because the dam had been shoddily constructed and had more leaks than cock-a-leekie soup.

This type of thing annoys me greatly, the whole point was to recreate the bomb and blow up a dam with it, they just forgot until the very end to say they wasn't going to use a plane or even bounce the real bomb it was all too dangerous, what a con. Even all the construction and testing of the bomb throughout the program were all problems that were already well documented but I could have let that go if they had done what they advertised, so essentially the whole program was in reality pointless but rather lavishly funded.

I must learn to stop watching documentaries, they seem to have got to a point of mindlessness with no real outcome. I haven't been so disappointed since finding out that Andrews Liver Salts for flatulance is to actually stop it not start it. What an odd thought.

I have an idea for a documentary, I want to become a British Le Petomane and use my blowhole to shoot marbles through cardboard. Any offers of funding?

Don't know who Le Petomane is? Have a look here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Pétomane you won't see that on Britains Got Talent.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

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PIRATE BIRDS EXIST DECLARES BOFFIN

To you and me the noise birds make may sound pleasant but a top boffin at the university of Oxbridgeshire has revealed that bird talk, or tweets, are actually a new form of file sharing piracy. After listening to a ZX-Spectrum loading from tape boffin Alf noticed a similar noise was made by birds, so using a portable tape deck he recorded the noises and played them back into the ZX-Spectrum, the results were astounding as Justin Biebers 'Girlfriend' beeped out of the speaker. After recording numerous other birds and 'LOADING' them into the ancient computer he soon had a collection of pop hits and apps that that would grace any iPod today.

Fears in the entertainment industry that a new airborne Netflix, dubbed Megatweetupload is about to turn the industry on its head has caused widespread panic, especially after boffin Alf recorded the sounds of a Song Thrush only to find he had downloaded the Blu-ray version of the yet unreleased seventh Star Wars film.

Lady Gaga was in the news again this week after becoming a full time pirate with plans to set sail later this year and terrorise ships around the Cape of Good Hope. Quoted as saying 'Ooh Ahh, my beauties, I be after your booty' the singer was unavailable for comment as she was receiving parrot balancing lessons.

Plans for the pirate ship ride at Blackpool pleasure beach to be changed to a train have received the go ahead today only days after the tragic accident that saw the boat come loose and hurl itself into a crowd of candy floss eaters causing one bystander to receive medical treatment after candy floss became terrifyingly tangled in their hair.

The train will be hauled into place later this week with additional carriages added later depending on popularity. Ticket prices will be increased in line with inflation and season tickets will be available for train swing commuters. A buffet car will be added in high season.

As a special offer all readers of Newspound have a chance to purchase this stylish Solar Bear with Glowing Acorn lamp for the special price of £6.99, not only that but receive this gorgeous Bicycle Vase absolutely free.

Ride around in style showing off your favourite blooms courtesy of Newspound, pound for pound we are worth every pound. Only one pound available from all good newsagents and a few shops that dabble in magazines and stuff.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals