Can't Touch Tips - MC Stanner

It's Monday so it must be the return of Top Tip Tapir, get through the day with these life changing ideas.

If you have trouble waking up in a morning take short naps at work when nobody is looking, that way you will feel bright and refreshed when you get home and will be able to stay on Facebook until the early hours of the morning. Repeat as necessary.

Shave a coconut and stick the coconut hairs to Sellotape, voila, an instant wig for bald cats at half the price.

Instead of watching the news channel in a morning simply read the obituaries in your local paper, it's far less depressing.

Blend lard, milk and food colouring for an amusing thick shake just like the fast food restaurants do it. As it contains calcium it's healthy too!

Hang on, what's this I have found?

Stop the Top Tip Tapir this is far more interesting, I didn't even know things like this existed!

Wow, a professional government Top Tip leaflet, must have some sound advice to offer.

Lets have a look, Short Duration Work, max 30mins. Not long is it and as it doesn't tell you how long to wait in between using a ladder theoretically you only get thirty minutes your whole lifetime. That's safety gone mad if you ask me. Start saving your ladder minutes up you never know when you will need them. Firemen must have an awful time, 'I'm sorry Miss I can't rescue your cat from the tree I only have two minutes ladder usage left and I was saving that for a real emergency'

Light Work up to 10k. But I'm heavier than that does that mean I can't use a ladder or do I have to send up a small child instead? It's like Victorian child chimney sweeps all over again, you will be telling me next to send all under fives t'pit to sort through t'muck.

Ladder angle 75 degrees, 1 unit out for every 4 up. I didn't know ladders we so technical, no wonder I have been falling off them so much, from now on I will stop placing them flat with the wall I'm climbing up and thus avoid landing on my back still gripping the ladder again. Well I never.

Always grip the ladder when climbing. Ah, I see now, so none of my precarious balancing I do, does that also mean I can wear better footwear instead of the ballerina slippers I normally use for grip? Additionally do I still need my tightrope balancing pole now I can use my hand as it currently restricts the number of bricks I can carry in my hod.

Make sure your belt buckle (navel) stay within the stiles and keep both feet on the same rung during the task. I tried this, firstly my first task to climb the ladders failed as I placed both feet on the first rung and realised I would have to break this rule to continue. When I did break the rule I spent most of my time checking my navel was kept in line and failed to stop at the top after looking for an arrangement of steps that allow people but not animals over a fence. I was found in a twisted heap two hours later, I never did find the stile.

Do not work off the top three rungs, this provides a handhold. We have a foot stool that has three rungs, does that mean I cannot use it any more? If so that means I will never be able to reach the soup tins in my kitchen or change a lightbulb ever again. I was going to use a chair instead but after reading your guide 'Top Tips For Correct Chair Usage' It informed me to use a ladder instead of a chair for reaching high places. I'm confused, you do not have guidelines restricting sitting on a foot stool, what's going on?

Whilst we are at it what is your stance on staircases? I'm worried than I'm positioning my navel wrong and gripping the handrail unnecessary when ascending whilst descending has become more difficult as I get older because nobody has informed me not to come down on my bottom as I have done since a child.

Please send me more guidance, I would particularly like to see guidelines on 'Common Sense - Where Has It Gone?', 'Its All About Me - Achieve Happy Selfishness' and one I have really been waiting for 'Sod It, Last One Out Turn Off The Light - A Guide To Modern Britain'.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Summerbun

It's gone all Spring like at Bunnyopolis, the sun is shining, there's a little frost on the lawn and Aaran decided he wanted to go mental. As soon as the door opened he was out and about binkying around like some demented bucking bronco. Ears flapping in all directions until at last with one mighty flick he turned 180 degrees and froze, unable to work out how he had done in.

Meanwhile the two girls Jura and Iona (Iona is the one with the big bottom) sat watching, unimpressed but strangely curious as to what the big yellow thing in the sky is. Obviously remembering last week when they stood in the same place watching a snowstorm sweep the country.

Eventually they all came out if only to find something new to do. Moss licking. Seriously buns, is this really necessary? You have dog bowls full of water, five star accommodation, all the hay you can eat, bales of straw to bed down in, a bunny conservatory, heating, artwork, CCTV and you prefer licking moss?

Roll on Summer!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

That's Tragic!

For one day only the secretive Tragic Circle throws open its doors to reveal some of its secrets exclusively just for you. These sorcery secrets have remained covered in secrecy and kept secret for a secret number of years. Indeed they are so secret that its secret that I even know the secrets contained in today's secret blog. So get ready to learn real tragic secrets that confound and fool the professionals.

Lets start with a mystery number secret. I like to call it the Number Secret!

Face your audience and ask them to think of a number between 1 and 50.

Get them to double it.

Tell them to add 22 then ask them to divide the result by two.

Face your audience and proudly announce...

...is this your card?

Retire to your dressing room to rapturous applause and watch your bookings come in.

HOW IT WORKS

The mental power needed by the audience drains them into submission so you can bend their thought patterns to get the result you want.

Next, The Mentalist!

Strut on stage and tell your audience that they are going to see the best piece of tragic they have ever seen.

Tell them to stand on one leg.

Using their left hand get them to pat their head.

With the remaining right hand ask the to rub their tummy in a clockwise direction.

Now, and only now, ask them the important question 'Name an orange vegetable'

Everybody without exception will tragically say 'Apple'. Once again strut off to shouts of amazement.

HOW IT WORKS

Rubbing your tummy and patting your head caused static to build up in your tummy button, this is discharged to the brain causing a retiring of the thought process. The only thing they can then think of is 'Apple'

Next our finest most complex tragic secret ever and one that all Tragic Society members must memorise upon joining.

The Circle Of Tragic Mystery Of The Ancients

Ask you audience to draw the above, a circle with a dot at the centre without taking the pen off the paper.

Laugh uncontrollably as they feebly attempt to do it. Call them names as they struggle, swear at them for being so stupid. After they have failed miserably enough times snatch the pen from them and proudly announce that you have a far superior brain and you are now going to show all the stupid people how to do it.

Here's the complex bit, fold over the corner of the paper carefully.

Take the pen and start with a dot at the corner of the fold and follow the complex guide above to see the direction the pen should take.

Lift up the corner and complete your circle to applause, cheers and armfuls of flowers. Enjoy a successful career as a television magician until you fall out of favour. Don't forget to bolster your image by pretending to do dangerous stunts in complete safety until you manage to make it to Las Vegas where you will get mauled by a lion.

One final secret, remember the question I asked you three years ago to this day? Well, is this your card?

Thought it was, I'm so impressive.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Paul Blaine Ali Bongo Nixon Daniels, senior member of the Tragic Circle.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Gear Top

Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkingson and welcome to Top Pedal. On this weeks show we review one car using jazzy camera shots, have a drag race between supercharged ice cream vans and attempt to drive from Monte Carlo to Sheffield in a car made out of old shoes.

Before we start we had a shock in the studio when this wonderful beast rolled through the doors. Zaz's latest creation the sexy 968-A, not to be confused with the 967-A although looking at the streamlined body it's hard not to fall in love with it. You get a lot of car for your money but optional extras include seats, hub caps, working indicators and Casio cassette player. 0-60 in one second lived up to its claim as we drove it off a cliff, after hitting the floor in a ball of flame it's unique sturdy roll age design enabled Pilchard Hammond to walk way from it unscathed. The car, unsurprisingly for a Zaz started first time with the crank handle.

Boy racers have a new kid on the block from which to shout abuse from the windows. Volkswagen have upped their game and bought out the Golf. In a typically Volkswagen fashion it's been named after old men's retirement dreams with Golf being added to the already popular car with mint sucking men, the Polo.

Features include a wheel at each corner and four doors so your mates can each have their own wind down window to shout from. Early shortages have hit deliveries and currently it's only available to anyone called Darren.

Hot car of the week is The Ford Capri, boy is this going to get you the chicks, it's bullet nose and fabric roof is the dogs and with its two week rust free guarantee its a snip at £1000 plus a deposit of £4289 and thirty six payments of £287 at 0% finance with an APR of 36.78366%. Get one, get girls, it really is that simple.

Some people call him names, but sticks and stones may break his bones, calling names doesn't hurt him. We call him the Dig.

As Dig makes he way around the track on Raleighs newest stabiliser model he likes to listen to the sound of kittens, an unusual choice some would say. Here he comes up to Gambon...and he's through, it looks slow so it's going to be a fast time. Wow, looks like the Dig has smashed all records, his high speed peddling almost ripped his trousers as he approached 100mph. The Dig finished on his £99 Raleigh with a time of 1.29, five seconds faster than the £2m Veyron.

In other news the 2013 Car Of The Year has been announced, as the whole of Europe merges into one there has been an increase in demand for communist styled cars and the Chrysler Simca is no exception. A shoe box on wheels, built like a tank this family cruiser will grace many a driveways this year. Comes complete with ammo box and emergency ration kit (a potato). Only 78 roubles and shipped direct from it's distribution warehouse in Siberia.

And on that bombshell, goodbye!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Fly Me To The Moon

We are only years away from taking our holiday in Tenerife to taking them on the MOON! Experts predict that in the year 2014 we will all be issued pocket rockets that will replace the humble motor car. Top Gear will change its name to Top Thrust and a new driving test will replace the existing one. It will cost £1,000,000 and will be mandatory. It will include parking between two stars light years apart and how to brake safely at 50,000 miles an hour.

To help you on your way and to plan next years break here's a map of the moon, we still don't know what's on the other side but we have a sneaking suspicion it's something to do with cats.

Enjoy such pleasures as the Sea Of Moisture, a shallow bay full of dust, ideal to absorb deadly unshielded ultra violet rays from the sun and get an instant tan. So you feel home from home we have opened a restaurant that serves English food so you never need to start the day without a good old fry up. Moon Chips Bar and Grill can be found in nearby Palmieri, just next to the strip club.

Mood destinations are our speciality. the Sea of Crises is just that, one crisis after another guaranteed, if that's not your bag then choose between Lick or to be Lick-d. We are not quite sure why we named it that but it's kinda cool to say I'm going on holiday to Lick, we even have T-Shirts with the slogan 'I have been mooned and Lick-d'. Suffer from insomnia? Then try our relaxing Palus Somni, the marsh of sleep. Only a short moon buggy trip from nearby Da Vinci, please check timetables before departing earth, ticket required from booking office in Yerkes, no dogs.

To make you really feel at home we have created earth on the moon, travel 238,857 miles to visit Birmingham, the alps or even Teneriffe! Imagine your families surprise as they are issued with piddle packs and step off the rocket to be greeted with endless grey sand, no oxygen and of course our wonderful clear skies. You will have a crater of a time, feel like a superhero with our exclusive weightlessness, take one small step for mankind at our plant a flag events and laugh uncontrollably as fellow travellers fail to secure their spacesuit correctly and implode into a gooey mess.

Future thrills include putting golf balls into orbit, emptying the sanitary facilities safely without blowback, filling oxygen tanks with laughing gas and of course our highly anticipated zero G swimming pool, experience swimming without water or indeed a pool!

Give a whole new meaning to a Honeymoon, It's the future, get over it!

N.B. due to the nature of the moon we can only land when it's a full moon, we tried landing on the dark bit but its kinda scary and possibly something to do with moon cats. Buy two adult tickets and hamsters travel free!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Zesty, Sharp, Tangy

I found this lemon rather curious, the logo looked like the Universal Films logo, maybe in a different reality Universal Fruits made all the classic and not so classic films...

Who can forget Jaws, just when you thought it was safe to drink your gin. The film opens with a girl sipping out of a tumbler unaware that just below the surface of her gin is Jaws, the killer lemon. The opening scene of a lemon accompanied by an oboe sound effect as it latches onto her bottom lip is horrific. Lets move on...

Flash Gordon's Gin and Ming The Lemon, a classic cult film full of great lines like 'Gordons Gin is alive?!'. Despite flopping at the box office on release its now available on VHS and Betamax. Action figures of Ming The Lemon can still be found at supermarkets today (may require assembly)

ET, Extra Tasty, a left field hit that bought us the first Lemonalien to our screens and into our hearts. Who could not cry after witnessing the goodbye scene when ET squirted lemon juice in Elliot's eyes.

And on to Jurassic Lark, a mad scientist mutates lemons into limeosaurs and lemondactils which then go on a rampage after discovering that humans have machines to extract the juice out of fruit. The approach of a Tyrannalemon Rex is particularly noteworthy as is the destruction of Jurassic Lark theme park that explodes in a spectacular fashion scattering pips far and wide.

Finally is Too Fast Too Lemony, starring Vin Dieselemon. Vin needed no makeup for this role, a role he suited so well. Vin plays a hard type of person who gets involved with juicing cars, essentially pipping them up and racing them. The final scene has Vin racing his Lemonescort against several pipped up Limepolos, one by one each car gets peeled as they race over the zester circuit, a notorious rough track in the centre of Tokyo. Pictured above is Vin about to start the race.

Universal Fruit we salute you, great films and great lemons, what a combo!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pull Me

Don't say I never give you anything, today you get your own personal Fruity Machine absolutely free that you can play time and time again. Re-live the thrills of a good old fashioned one arm bandit in the comfort of your living room or office. Excellent replay value, includes holds and nudges as standard. Just a few simple things to add for that authentic fruit machine feel.

Lets pop something in the slot to begin. As you insert a coin say the word 'blurp' to simulate the coin eating noise. If you are sat in you car at this point change gear to simulate pulling the handle, if indoors then raise your left arm and use your right hand to pull it.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. It's so exciting!

Wow, you have got a cherry, a bell and a seven, good but not good enough for a payout, lets spin again.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. I can hardly contain myself.

That's a little better, a plum followed by a pop for your cherry, if we had two pops for you cherry we would be laughing. Try again only this time with feeling.

Say 'ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,ksk,chk' rapidly as the reels spin. I'm going to wet myself with anticipation!

You have the 007, two plums and a seven, even better you have been given the chance to hold. What are you waiting for? Hold your plums and pull it again, you may be onto a winner here!

Maybe not, although you held your plums you have ended up with a bell at the end. Wait, what is this?

Yay! You have a chance to nudge your bell at the end. If you look carefully it looks like there may be another plum below. Press nudge on your bell at the end to see.

There is the beauty, a full set of plums coming right up.

It's not very often you see a set of plums this good, you have hit the jackpot. Stand back its going to go mental! (Flash the lights in your room for effect whilst shouting 'wah,wah,wah' throw some frozen peas into a cup whilst standing on a chair to make the sound of a gigantic payout)

Take your 4p winnings, boy this is awesome and the fun never stops. Shall we have another go?

Yes? Then simply start at the top and read this again for more fruity excitement. Play with several friends for added effect!

Visit our website for more free machines www.mentalmachinesinmyhead.sad.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals