Five

Starting a business from scratch is hard, Jayne and her Foreverbunnies is no exception, this is a little of Jayne's story minus all the hard work, frustration and blisters gathered along the way and which continues to this day. I keep Foreverbunny away from my blog posts as I know you don't want blatant advertising stuffed down your necks, I only post it as today's blog entry as I'm astounded at just quite what she has achieved in five months after standing with her yesterday at the latest Foreverbunny event.

OCTOBER

At the beginning of October Jayne was sat behind me in the studio with a set of paints, some wood, pens, glue and a whole head full of inspiration to try and make all the bunny related things she couldn't find in the shops but really, really wanted. It wasn't an easy task, Jayne had not done any of this before so everything was trial and error but eventually after a few weeks she had managed to come up with the basics of what she  imagined in her head. It took her until the start of November before she was happy that she had created something special, the first true Foreverbunny.

NOVEMBER

We worked together like this for many weeks, me painting Impossimals, Jayne sawing, painting and designing until she had her first range of wooden Foreverbunnies created from old disused pallets, string and left over paint. They looked great, the Foreverbunny idea had been burning away for years, finally it was beginning to take shape. Next it needed a little push in the right direction with a website and maybe a craft fair to see if  anybody was really interested in Foreverbunny or if Jayne was just being a silly bunny lady.

The first website, an off the peg site, went live in the middle of November. It contained information but no online shop facilities which was frustrating and very little else apart from an events guide. Around the same time Jayne started testing the water with craft and gift fairs.

These proved to be a tough testing ground, not only do they require a lot of work beforehand but on the day you are open to the vagaries of the weather, the event organisation and of course random visitors. Hand made items sometimes sit uncomfortably next to commercially bought items and Foreverbunny was no exception. Their handmade nature makes them naturally more expensive than mass produced but also brings along a little bit of charm with it. As Jayne attended the events so did the Foreverbunnies reach further afield.

DECEMBER
With the last of the events out of the way it was a return to the studio to take on board everything she had learned. The range had to be bigger with more varied products, single bunnies were fine but as mostly families attended the events the range opened up to include a few new additions.

The first Foreverbunny family was created and was swiftly followed by several more variations, decorated hearts and an idea to go even further. They were renamed the core Classic Foreverbunny range, immediately colour and style identifiable Foreverbunny had a brand in the making. Foreverbunnies had made the jump from impulse items to consideration items as the price structure expanded out of the £10-20 range and into the £10-80, the idea of affordable Forevebunny luxury was one step closer.

JANUARY

January was a big turning point for Foreverbunny, after only three months it had grown to take up most of Jayne's time. From sourcing wood, paint and additional equipment such as band and power saws Jayne had also entered into the world of fabrics, a complimentary range requiring different skills to expand the Foreverbunny collection. What was needed was a shop front to showcase it all...

The Foreverbunny website may look swish but the website and shop cost time and very little money to arrange, all it needed was a digital camera for product shots, text and a few little tweaks and it was away. Combining this with a selection of Facebook promotion posts launched the whole thing mid-January. Domain, hosting, website, online shop and promotion all for the princely sum of, wait for it, £50, bargain! Foreverbunny Online at last.

FEBRUARY
Thoughts had started to turn to Spring as the nights started to get lighter, with it an addition to the Foreverbunny stable, the Garden range. Taking colours from a very Spring like palette Jayne created the Garden range to look completely different from the Scandinavian feel of the Classic Foreverbunny.

Silver plated springs added a more decadent look to the latest creations and switching the hearts to flowers completed the Garden feel.

So after five months of hard work Jayne attended a craft event yesterday to promote Foreverbunny and sold two cards in six hours such is the unpredictability of organised events. You know it didn't really matter, what really mattered was that she had done it all from scratch and that sense of achievement is difficult to knock and the reason I'm so proud at everything she does.

Yay Foreverbunny!

As a special thank you to everyone who has supported Foreverbunny over the last five months Jayne has given out a 5% discount code on her Facebook and Twitter pages, both of which can be found here :
Foreverbunny Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/foreverbunnyhome
Foreverbunny Twitter - https://twitter.com/ForeverbunnyUK

Randomness is just around the corner, Monday it's back and I'm off my rocker.

The Secret Art Of Cricket Fighting

Martial arts have been around for quite a while and are considered old hat I today's society, a new craze sweeping the nation is cricket, this combined with our need for unnecessary violence in our lives have led to Cricket Club, the secret society of Cricket Fighting. It only has one rule, LBW but that doesn't apply here.

We will skip weaponry, I'm sure you can already make a pair of makeshift nunchucks from a couple of wickets so we will get straight into the secret methods with 'How To Start And Win A Fight'

First choose you opponent, this can be done anywhere or anytime and some Cricket Fighters may find it easier after a drink. Take the stance shown above called 'The Challenge', then shout 'Oi, mate, you look at my pint?' or the more eloquent 'Lookin' at me or chewing a brick caus' either way yer lose yer teeth.'

Before they can answer pull the 'Tight Taunt' pose and shout 'Fink yer 'ard enough do ya?'. Notice how the right hand is already fist shaped.

Do not wait for a reply to your taunt, instead skip your legs into this position for the 'Stumper' and launch a devastating punch using the full force of your upper body. Aim for the jaw and shout 'Take that!' as you connect. Step back place your hand on your chin as if you are stroking a beard and laugh whilst nodding.

If your opponent fails to get up then skip to the last picture, if by any chance the old boy gets back up then you need to put the next stage into action.

'The Clouter' is a simple move to learn, take hold of your cricket batten that you carry always in your back pocket and raise it over your right shoulder as shown and say 'Want sum of this do ya? I'm gunna bat your balls over your shoulders'. Take one step forward.

And thwack! Twist your body in one lightening movement and concentrate your full force on the end of the bat with a scream of anger. Aim the blow between your opponents legs and watch them fly until they snap back as if they are on elastic. Occasionally they may detach but this can be considered a six, well played.

With your opponent defeated all the remains is the 'Scoop'. Frisk them down and remove any items of value to compensate for your insult. Return back to the club house and add a perfect century to your score. Occasionally you will accidentally challenge a fellow Cricket Fighter, this can be considered being 'Caught Out' and you should both shake hands before beating each other to a pulp. The winner in this case is the one to keep their teeth.

Cricket fighting is a dangerous art and should only be practiced by trained professionals or people familiar with Golf Grappling, the secret art of wrestling on the golf course.

Visit our website for more details www.cricketfighterswwfhulkbigdaddyultimatewarrior.ouch.that.hurt.com

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Loo Zoo

Over the years I have discovered to my delight that I share the studio with a varied range of creatures, a kind of studio zoo that was once described as a Shitzu, although I don't know how a breed of dog describes my small collection of creatures. Anyway, here's a few of my fellow studio companions that help with the long hours of isolation.

My first great find was this Pencilla Canius, I found it after hearing a feint bark from behind my easel. It lives on wood shavings and old paint, it's easy to find once you know what to look for. Simply follow any graphite style lines and invariably you will find one, although a lot immediately go into hiding on being found and they retract their limbs so they may be confused with a humble pencil.

This was a surprise, a Bristle Bear. I was painting away when I heard a scrubbing sound to my right. Looking over I saw this little fellow scrubbing away trying to tidy up some dried paint. I picked him up and treated him to a stubborn stain I had been trying to remove for months. He now takes care of all the cleaning duties in the studio overnight so every morning I wake up to a spanking clean place to work.

Mini Bunny has been hopping around in the studio for as long as I have been painting, he helps me with some of the finer brushstrokes and occasionally uses his feet and tail to paint in some of the backgrounds. His favourite colour is carrot orange.

Screw-U Bug only appears when you make a mistake. As if by magic it will crawl out of any hiding place to rub it in. Although it looks frightened in this picture they are actually using it as a form of sarcasm. When a couple are gathered together its collectively known as a Screw-U Too situation.

I have nearly lost fingers to this Zipper Snapper, it's prone to eating anything that comes within biting distance. That includes brushes, pens, fingers, hair, children and on one occasion a small Snauser called Colin. Can be temporarily disabled by pulling the side of its mouth causing a 'zipped up' expression, just don't be around when it manages to release itself again!

Dismal Derek is the opposite to the the Idea Ian Bulb, whereas Idea Ian appears whenever you have a flash of inspiration Dismal Derek is there all the other times casting darkness into your thoughts and making sure inspiration and creativity is always out of reach. He sometimes sits on my shoulder to shout encouraging depressive thoughts at me. His favourite catchphrase is 'Why bother?'. Occasionally Idea Ian and Dismal Derek fight which causes Confusion Colin to appear, then all hell breaks loose and I sit down to write the blog. Sheesh. Mood bulbs, can't live with them, can't live without them.

This fine Boodlebonce Bird always raises a smile when it appears. It makes no sound but amuses by appearing in the oddest of places at he most unexpected times. The down side is that it doesn't stay in the studio and has been known to appear in restaurants, toilet cubicles and on one occasion it bobbed along the edge of a desk during a visit to the doctors. Makes me smile though.

We all live with a varied collection of creatures such as this, if you are on Facebook and have a picture of a creature you have found post it for us all to see :)

Oh, just realised why its called a Shitzu...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Booty Pie

After having his galleon the Sloop Dog confiscated for firing a volley of sixty guns at a canal boat driven by an elderly couple in Norfolk Captn' Cannon Balls fell on hard times. Finally he managed to scrape up enough pieces of eight after pawning his parrot to open up a pie shop. We join Captn' Cannon Balls on the opening day of The Booty Pie.

In walks his first customer, a slim lady obviously wealthy.

'Ahoy me beauty, youre makin' my roger jolly. Can I interest you in a pie, it's chum free me darlin'

'Errr, I'm sorry, I think I'm in the wrong shop, didn't this used to be Molly's Haberdashery?'

'Aye! 'twas landlubber Molly's before, a fine beauty she was. I'd love to drop anchor in her lagoon'

'I beg your pardon?'

'All fresh me beauty, baked by my own fair hands did I. That's a treasure of a chest you have mind you'

'Hmm how crude, ok, what have you got?'

'I'd be 'avin a Salty Dog, a Beef Booty, a selection of Doubloon Rolls and a fine Minced Urchin Pasty'

'What's a Beef Booty? I'm unfamiliar with most of these pies.'

'It be 'avin beef in it.'

'Beef? What's the booty about then?'

'Booty is the other ingredient me beauty. Let me fire me cannon through your porthole.''

'Vile man, What other ingredient?'

Cough, 'Shark n'stuff'

'Shark!'

'Aye, n'stuff'

'What stuff?'

'It be nuthin to concern yourself with me beauty.'

'What stuff?'

Cough, 'Me first mate'

'Why you murderer! Police, police!'

'You'd not be needin' them me beauty, think of it like buried treasure. I never laid a finger on him'

'Then how did he get in the pie?'

'Shark ate him'

'Seriously? You expect me to believe that?'

'Smartly, me lass, he was mendin' me ship and the shark nabbed 'im'

'So what's in the Salty Dog then, dog?'

'Aye, that would be silly, it's Puffin'

'Puffin?'

'Aye, Puffin the cabin boy'

'Another murder! Help! Help!'

'Now don't be gettin' all haulin' keel, it was his suggestion'

'Oh my god, how can it be his suggestion?'

'He suggested he wanted to be captain of me vessel the Sloop Dog me lass'

'You have a boat?'

'Aye, I do me beauty'

'And is it big?'

'Aye, it's a sixty footer, a cannon for each foot and a crew of thirty bloodthirsty scallywags awaitin' adventure.'

'Hmm, do you have any treasure?'

'Alas no lass, but I have a map. It marks the spot of Great Blacklegs haul, booty beyond imaginin'

'That's a nice cutlass you have there.'

'Aye it is that lass'

'What you need is a good scabbard to put it in.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me, come show me how you bury your treasure me lad'

'Hang on, I'm the pirate here.'

'Aye, let me scrape the barnacles off your rudder'

'Out! This is a respectable pie shop, out!'

'No need to get your yard arm in a twist, fancy going for a blackjack of grog later matey? I've crushed men's skulls between my thighs'

'Out, out, out!'

The lady leaves.

'Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I'm not having any of that kind of filth in my shop'

In walks the next customer, a middle aged lady.

'Mornin' lass, yes it is a horn pipe in my pocket and i'm pleased to see you, if you want to see me urchins I'll show you a real yard arm to split your booty'

Sadly Captn' Cannon Balls Booty Pie shop closed down several days later after numerous complaints about suggestive behaviour and inappropriate swashbuckling. Further investigations revealed the Captn' to be a figment of the authors warped imagination just before he was fastened in a straight jacket and placed in a padded cell accompanied by the shouts of 'Prepare to be boarded me beauty' and 'I'll smash yer back doors in'. Psychology results still pending provided they can get him to stop typing random blog entries like this one.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Rock Scissor Balls

You know it's gong to be one of those days when you venture out of the studio for supplies and the first thing you see is this. I have no doubt it does exactly what it says it's more about the implications that bother me. 'Cuts the THICKEST', wow, are we talking width, depth or height? Seriously I want to know at what point toe nail clippers become heavy duty and not garden shears. Anyway, I bought one out of curiosity and tried cutting various things resembling toenails such as plastic sheeting, ceramic tiles and of course the claws of a sabre toothed tiger. Of course I didn't buy one, I'm perfectly happy using the angle grinder on mine, why on earth would I want to ruin their natural beauty. Another thing, why are they called pliers when they cut? I want to trim them not bend them to shape in some funky way.

Anyway, it was a strange day and it all started with my warped Mr Benn moment, where as Mr Benn goes to a fancy dress shop, strips down to his smalls, chooses a costume and leaves through a different door to an adventure mine always seem to start with me stood in a public toilet with a random stranger. You can read into that what you will with your one track minds but mine is purely clean. I use a public toilet for convenience not adventure, although I have had my moments up and down the country. From naked men scrubbing up, banging on walls to Jayne only finding out it was a Welsh man when he asked me what I wanted 'boyo', to realising on one occasion that where I was stood I could see passers by and they could see me.

So imagine my unsurprised feeling when I was answering the call of nature and these three rolled down the trough towards me. Six feet to my right some old guy who decided to have a bit of fun and splash these my way, he didn't have to follow it with a wink though when I glanced his way in disgust. He obviously wanted me to 'knock 'em back', lord knows why the pervert. Anyway he left and I decided to snap this photo to show you how disgusted I was when he came back in and saw me taking this shot, this time he looked disgusted and almost mouthed the word pervert. Really, it was not a good start was it?

And so my day unfolded, the day before I had witnessed, truly witnessed something I had never seen before on the motorway. A car being towed at high speed by a car unsuitable for towing so some bright spark had decided to use a third car to push it along bumper to bumper to help. I digress, back to my day and a nice little tea room that served a fab bacon sandwich in quite unique surroundings, I always like it when you get the sugar served properly and if anybody calls me posh for liking sugar this way I shall ask you to attend my study where my footman will rebuke you severely.

The main reason for the blog though is another toilet, not just any toilet but a massively sumptuous one, bare in mind this was in a tea room, it had reading material, pictures, plates, mirrors and such an assortment of objects that it almost beaconed users to stay for a good twenty minute strain at a time. So just let me know if you ever fancy a posh poo or playing tiddle tennis, I have just the venues for you.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Product Pacement

In a vain effort to raise funds for the blog we are now allowing advertisers to tout their wares however dubious. Here's a few words from our sponsors.

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'Grab my melons, pull my plums!'

Watch as we 'double up' on a apple and get down and dirty with a pretty peach.

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Should you wish to advertise on these pages simply send ten pounds and a naked picture of yourself to the usual address, sorry, pictures submitted cannot be returned and may be used for training purposes.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Delightful

Not normally the type of thing I receive through the post but I knew exactly what it was, artwork and sculpture from a new and first time collector Harriette aged ten.

Harriette visited The Acorn Gallery in Pocklington and fell in love with 'Thumpers In Jumpers' my Impossimal version of our very own thumpers Aaran, Jura and Iona. Harriet's spent the weekend talking about it, drawing and making models of Impossimals until she finally asked her Mum and Dad if she could buy it with her own personal savings.

I learnt all this from the gallery who emailed me straight after Harriettes purchase, a delightful heart warming tale and I'm proud to have Harriette's sculpture and artwork in my studio. If you are reading this Harriette 'Love In The Clouds' is fab and your Impossimal sculpture has taken it's place next to Lubba and Lucinda, two of my first Impossimal sculptures from 2005. Enjoy your Thumpers :)

You can read a little more about Harriette's story here

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Pea Brain

Brains. We all have them, they are pink and grey and look like bubble gum probably which is why zombies like them, but what do we really know about our brains. Luckily I have condensed all the details into one handy blog entry, 'Brains, do we really need them?'

The brain is an organ, not to be confused with a Hammond Organ although a brain allows you to play a Hammond Organ it's not an organ as in musical. It does like a bit of music too as long as its not a Hammond organ. With me so far? Good, we use our brain to control how you think, remember, feel and to make sure you keep everything in the toilet bowl using the 'aim' mechanism.

Section 'A' shown above controls the thought process when you want a cup of tea, the three layered tissue, called meninges, decides if you should have a biscuit with the tea or if you take sugar. People with blue eyes tend to have sugar whilst green eyed individuals prefer a biscuit. Biscuit preferring people are known in medical terms as Biscuitbrains whilst sugar people are called Sweetbrains, which one are you I wonder? Check your eyes in the mirror to find out. Brown eyed people prefer coffee, any other coloured eyes hint at a deep rooted problem with wine and vodka so be careful.

Take a close look at 'B', this area controls vision so whilst you have just looked at it you have used your 'B'. One interesting thing to note is that you have a zoom control, simply stick your right finger up your left nostril and twist. Clockwise will zoom in anticlockwise will zoom out, press your belly button to disable the ability to look up and down.

'C' helps you to make sense of the world, if for any reason this gets disabled such as a blow to the head from a cushion you will see the real world. Basically it's full of cloud unicorns, wooly pigs, eight foot high rocking horses, purple hills and everyone is naked and called Derek.

'D' controls your hand movements, it's this one that keeps your arm in check from smashing everyone that annoys you in the face, although this can be bypassed again with a glass of wine. To see how uncontrollable it is try this simple experiment and feel your arm raise and about to lash out. Simply stand against a wall and push your arm against it with as much pressure as you can, don't press your body against the wall just your arm. Do this for two minutes, then step away and relax your arms. This fools your brain into thinking you are being annoyed and your arm will magically raise all on its own. Caution, press for any longer than two minutes and your arm will become annoyed with you and will beat you senseless unless you sit on it for two minutes.

Finally 'E', controlling the nose it can distinguish subtle differences in smells such as the minute difference between the smell of a rose and horse manure. To understand how it works lets look at what happens when you smell something unpleasant such as entering a public convenience that has just been vacated by a thirty minute sitter who's failed to flush.

First 'E' registers a pong that it doesn't like, it then informs 'A' that maybe you don't need sugar or a biscuit and changes the command to wanting to wretch instead. 'A' informs 'B' to clean the smell away by causing your eyes to water which also tells 'C' that the smell is not of this world and is considered unholy, 'C' quickly sends a signal to 'D' which raises your hand to your mouth. Unfortunately it fails to inform 'F' the gag reflex and you blow chunks through your fingers.

Simple. Now you understand the intricacies of your brain, try this final experiment. Pull both of your ear lobes and stick out your tongue at the same time, it doesn't do anything to you but it triggers a reaction in other people's brains, try it today at that important meeting or at passing strangers in the street, the results can be quite startling.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

New Season Finds

With Spring just around the corner why not spruce up you house with our new range of home wares and exciting designer furniture? We at Pumpin' Chuffin' Products present our new 2013 collection mixing vintage innovation with cutting edge design.

First up is our latest Steamsofa, the ultimate in personal luxury with heated seats all year round and the ability to move from room to room effortlessly due to its OO gauge railway traction unit so you can chuff away round the house come rain or shine. The chimney stack is completely dismountable and constructed from the finest pig iron. Guaranteed not to empty it's coals unexpectedly our patented chute system is self cleaning and all your coal storage needs is catered for in the handy coal cellar underneath the cushions. All our steam sofas come complete with coke bucket and fire grill. N.B. use in a well ventilated room, purchase optional light attachments for use in tunnels, under the stairs etc.

Why not go for our luxurious Bufferbed with real piston action. Relax in comfort as it pumps away and imagine travelling across Europe on the Orient Express sleeper carriage. The adjustable stack can be made to blow smoke and an optional whistle can be attached for use as an alarm clock or warning. Just one full stoke before bedtime and it will stay warm under the covers all night. With our special rail system it can easily be converted into you very own personal indoor railway system, buffers are included as standard and the underfed storage unit allows you to keep all the shovels and oily rags away from view. Forget water beds for the ultimate in bed action get pumped with steam driven bed rocking indulgence for less than the price of a train ticket to Hull.

Our new kitchen range solves the problem of meat identification, use our handy Dobbin Dishes to separate all your cow, horse and pig products effortlessly. After today's news we will be adding a Mechanically Recovered Residue tray to our range later in the week just for sausages and chicken products so you can enjoy all the slurry in one go.

Using a combination of water and wind the Supa-Sucky roller ball vacuum cleaner will suck like no other. The handy windmill rotates in a light breeze to drive a land drill system contained in the handle far into the ground until it hits the water table. Then the side waterwheel taps into this underground torrent and powers the Supa-Sucky into action. Environmentally friendly using sustainable energy the sucking power is the equivalent of sucking a tennis ball through a hosepipe. Such extreme power requires caution and we recommend you take our 'Vacuum Awareness Course' before purchasing as the Supa-Sucky has been know to rip carpets, curtains and in one occasion the trousers and underpants of a well known celebrity. N.B. the term '...ball vacuum cleaner' refers to the steering system and not the recommended usage you pervert.

The fashion for signs and plaques continues with our House-swear range, attractively framed foul language to spruce up that blank wall. Imagine the surprise and delight when envious neighbours enter your kitchen only to find a three foot framed expletive telling them exactly where to go. Included in our range is a set of blanks so you can be as creative in your insults as you wish.

Finally the ultimate in personal protection, the Hostess Tank Drinks Dispenser and Plate Warmer. Containing a 25mm calibre cannon and undercarriage bomb delivery system this stylish unit keeps all your food warm and safe whilst offering an easy solution to unwanted guests. This time really drop the bomb at the dinner table, threaten other guests with the cannon swivel action and when things start to die down slide back the iron lid to reveal a hidden cocktail bar. Fully remote controlled, it's inbuilt CCTV system allows you to control the Hostess Tank from a safe distance, an intelligent targeting system allows you to take out individual guests effortlessly whilst leaving little collateral damage to the room. Jets can be added for a small charge to allow the Hostess Tank to travel up and down staircases. Poison gas dispenser also available.

We hope you like our new range, see you soon at www.pumpinchuffinproductsltd.sod.it

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Come Whine With Me

Just a couple of things before today's blog to sort out, if any of you are watching this weeks Come Dine With Me in Mansfield I would just like to point out a few inconsistencies just in case you have decided to visit Mansfield and see the worlds largest sundial. It's not there, in fact it's five miles away in Sutton-in-Ashfield, likewise we don't have any casinos so being a croupier would be a tad difficult. Also missing was a typical Mansfield accent mi'duck, mushy peas, cockles, Greggs, t'pit, chips, fights and a Saturday night with sights that will forever remained burned on your retina. In fact it seems they had trouble getting anybody from Mansfield to take part as in the second episode it had sneakily changed to Mansfield and the surrounding areas.

So in the spirit of putting the 'Mansfield' back in I thought I would come up with my own menu and entertainment.

So suspend your disbelief, place your tongue firmly in your cheek and get ready to...

Come Whine With Me

Dress Code - Tracky Bottoms, trainers and bling. Bring yer own fags.

STARTERS

You want a bloody starter? What do you want that for, think your posh or summat? I'll give you a bloody starter, pass me that tin of prawns and that green stuff that rabbits eat. There you go, prawn cocktail, you wouldn't get that bleeder in a restaurant. Eh duck, pass us that lager, I'm parched. Mek us a sarnie whilst your at it.

MAIN

Right you buggers, what do you want for dinner? I've got menus from seven tek-aways, you can ave a chinky, injun or pizza, just keep it under a tenner, I'm not made o'money. None o'that garlic bread either, it stinks the bloody place out. Reet, so that's one chow mein'n'chips, a chicken tikka'n'chips, a bag'o'chips with a pukka pie and a large meat pizza wi' none o'that green stuff on it. It'll tek 'bout twenty minutes if he gets a bob on, just enough for a couple o'pints. Pass us another lager duck, me mouths like Gandhi's flip flop.

Whilst were waitin I got us some entertainment, my friend Mike, he does Elvis on the spoons, tek it away Elvis.

I don't know what 'appened, he's not normally drunk at this time of day, pick 'im up and clear that sick up before grub arrives. Fair put me off has that, pass me a lager. There's some wine in the fridge if any of you poshies want it. No I don't know what bloody grape it is, I got red and white, we don't all live on bloody champagne and caviar you bloody laahdy-dars.

Tek lid off and tuck in, not bad eh? None o'that cooking crap, this is proper grub.

Some time later...

And another thing, none of them know what they are doin, it all went down hill when pits shut, then they shut all o'factories, now all we got is nothin, not even a big sundial. Meks me weep.

DESSERT

Ah got summat really special for puddin', it a Viennetta and a Yorkshire puddin' wi' jam on it. Don't say I don't spoil ya, cost a bomb this did.

Don't you like it? Why aren't you eatin' it? Not good enough for yer is it? Right the lot of yer, sling yer hook, I've had enough, come dine with me, more like come and take the p*ss. Pick a window, yer leavin!

SCORES

7/10 - I've had quite a nice time although I'm still getting glass out of my hair.

9/10 - Top food, great host, please don't hit me again.

2/10 - Food was rubbish, I didn't even get a cheese slice wi' mi' chips and he should 'ave gone for Arctic Roll and none of the foreign crap.

5/10 - Average, although I did like it when Elvis dropped his pants when he stood on the table to show us his 'Hound Dog' impression although it did spoil it a bit when he projectile vomited over us all.

Mansfield, tek it or leave it.

Now that's the program I wanted to see, none of this false rubbish, keep it real, keep it Mansfield!

Where's me mushy peas and cockles gone? Jayne, fetch me a lager, I'm parched.

 

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