Scissors Scissoring Sizzling Succulent Sausages

Free gift Fryday and your chance to wake up every morning to breakfast in bed with this superb Hide The Sausage Breakfast Mobile. You will require, two metal coat hangers, some string and a pair of scissors. Please get an adult to cut out the pieces from the screen if you are under the age of six. N.B. not suitable for porridge eaters, fruit fanciers or children under two months.

Here's your prize starter complete with handy hole ready to string. This elegant pork and tomato banger is a nice chunky average size, just what you want first thing in the morning. None of your cheap stuff here only genuine 100% British pork imported from Europe goes into these handmade with a machine artisan mass produced bangers. Cut it out and move on.

To a nice fried egg, just look at that juicy yolk waiting to be poked. Imagine laying in bed watching your egg moon slowly rotate above you in graceful motion as it circles the black pudding. Well dream no longer, cut it out and move on.

Crispy bacon done to a T. No breakfast is complete without bacon, indeed no meal is complete without bacon. Hell, I even have bacon and custard for dessert. Top tip, cut this out and rub across a spare rasher, not only will you have your bacon but first thing in a morning you will also smell it, ahh, the aroma, it's magical. Cut out and move on.

A bit of toast or fried bread? Don't mind if I do. A sumptuous piece of bread used as a sponge to soak up your daily intake of saturated fat. Spread this one with butter once you have cut it out to add a splash of colour.

Love it or hate it black pudding is here to stay. Enjoy this meal of congealed blood, it makes a perfect accompaniment to your breakfast and tastes even better if you treat it like a biscuit and dunk it in your tea first. Rub with boot polish for an increased black pudding effect. Cut out and move on.

Now we have most of the ingredients ready there's not mushroom left. See what I did there? Did you? I used mushroom instead of much room, how clever is that. So to be a fungi, 'fun guy', get it? Cut this out as many times as you need mushrooms and move on.

Nearly there, don't make a hash of it quite yet. I did it again, I used hash under this hash brown, puns don't get any better than this. Anyway, cut this one out carefully as its made of potato and hashes and move on.

Fried tomato, the breakfast staple, add a little bit of good olive oil and a pinch of salt to taste, place this with the others, it doesn't need cooking for too long and it's safe to eat raw.

Finally baked beans, simply cut out two hundred of these to decorate the ceiling around your mobile. Stick them on like little stars to create your own Beaniverse, occasionally group clusters together for solar systems and leave a blank circle somewhere to simulate a beanhole, the breakfast equivelent of a black hole.

Now you have all your parts take the two coat hangers and twist them together. Place hanger one over hanger two and pull flap three from part C, finally get down on both knees and tug at U. Tie items on with shoelaces or string.

You should now have a mobile that looks like this. Simply hang it above your bed in the Beaniverse and wake up every day to a stellar breakfast experience. Rotate clockwise to witness the hide the sausage effect as it gracefully wafts by the bacon and skims your fried egg. Watch in delight as it seemingly nosedives at the black pudding only to pull up at the last minute narrowly avoiding the hash brown. Breakfast ballet for your soul absolutely free.

Don't forget to send me pictures of your Beaniverse and mobile, get those scissors scissoring sizzling succulent sausages!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Invention Test

Something was rattling at the bottom of my swimming bag, thrusting my hand in the pouch revealed an assortment of odd objects I didn't recollect packing with my trunks. It was my combination lock that had somehow managed to spontaneously combust over night to become a 3D jigsaw.

It's set the theme for today, I'm back model making for my last Lost Impossimal so after fiddling with the lock and understanding how it works I decided to crack on and start to build a new lighting rig.

Here's the start, this will be turned into a miniature television, just got a few things to hack into it including this jumble of wires.

Some old LED lights I saved after their transformer burned out, I knew they would come in useful. Chopping a few off I checked that they still worked.

Yay! Blutac and a nine volt battery and we are away. So today I will be constructing another scene so I can get exactly the right atmosphere for the Impossimals. I have used this method a couple of times when lighting has been required, this model I made last year.

Part of a cross between a machine called The Turk and a fortune telling machine similar to the one in The movie Big. The painting required moody lighting so I constructed this in a shoe box, the final painting reflected this moody look and allowed me to get some real depth into it.

One of the biggest pieces though was this, the scene for the return of the Sherlock Sidewinder and his most deadly adversary. I'm only showing a small portion but I built an entire Victorian street complete with railings, pavement and road, bridge and of course lit lampposts which you can see here. The resulting glow cast its light across walls and using a tight triple perspective I constructed a scene that places you in the street, the feel of three dimensions is quite uncanny but time consuming to paint. On the ground is three hundred cobbles, each painted individually and lit from two directions, one with a warm gas light glow the other with a blue cast from the mist under the bridge.

This is a daylight detail shot, measurements for the house were taken from old Victorian building plans and the bridge was also modelled from accurate measurements. The whole thing is made from balsa wood, card, paper and lots of hot glue. When finished the complete set was five foot long and was only used for one painting before being dismantled and eventually turned into this.

Which brings me back round to my lighting rig project for today to add some much needed shadows into the scene. Better get cracking, it's not going to make itself!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Ride The Rampant Stamp Stallion

Stamp collecting can be a fascinating hobby if you happen to be in 1956 with little to do on your hands so in celebration of this most noble of past times here's a quick guide to the exciting underground world of Stamp Club. Sufferers gather in large groups of two and Ooo and Ahh over their latest finds, lets see what all the fuss is about as we throw open the doors and take a trip down the stamp stairway...

This is a fine example of just how diverse stamps can be, this is a rare example of a Nicaraguan wife tilting competition, you can see the judge, Simione Callow, to the left. This wife angle is difficult to achieve so this 62 degree legs akimbo deserves a round of applause as well as its own stamp. Later issues of this included a whopping 189 degree angle causing several bystanders to feint with heart palpitations, I have yet to find that stamp but fear it may be banned out of public decency or in sordid collections worldwide.

Fans of Star Wars will be happy to know that Guinea, home to millions of Guinea Pigs issued this 10 peso stamp showing Darth Vader (right) using his force powers to fling Han Solo and Chewbacca into the disposal tubes of the Death Star, Darths secret planet destroying ball of fun hidden from sight by being planet shaped and prone to light aircraft shooting missiles down its flue. All shown here in vivid technicolor. This stamp alone is worth a whopping £0.02p on the open market with unfranked editions being swapped for similar stamps worldwide on the trading website Swalstampsforgoldthenswapgoldformetalthenswapforcash.com

Celebrities are not left out, this stamp from Magyar celebrates the diversity of Nicki Minaj.

Postal services from around the world differ greatly and add to the mystique of collecting. Shown here is the postal service in Swindon, Africa where the residents have just discovered that the postie has three parcels from eBay which he failed to deliver and are about to puncture him to death using oversized toothpicks.

Where as in Margate residents teach cats to change light bulbs whilst waiting for the post to arrive.

Never let yourself be open to stamp abuse, this selection of stamps were traded anonymously online, they are worthless, anything like the penny black (top left) is not even worth the paper it's printed on. Stamps should be colourful and have fights or cats on them, avoid drab looking ones and you'll be fine.

A double hit from Anguilla, stamps featuring stamps. These will have you spooging all around the room in double ecstasy. It's like the inception of the stamp world and your mind will nearly explode thinking about it. Stamps within stamps, like wow!

Egypt celebrates great comics with Tommy Cooper always a favourite.

Whilst Guernsey combines coin collecting, bovine spotting and stamps for a triple hobby hit that will have you running around the room gibbering to yourself before you don your large coat and stand on deserted platforms waiting for a triple chuffer puffer from Nuneaton to pull in to platform three so you can write the number down.

Britain has the finest stamps, indeed putting Barbara Cartland on them was a stroke of genius. Occasionally special editions are issued which feature great events and people, only last year we had stamps featuring Little and Large and one that depicted something called the O-limp-hicks.

This morning the Royal Mail announced a new stamp is being issued and the prices will be adjusted accordingly. 1st Class will now be £10 for items under 3cm square and a sliding scale will be used for sizes above that. There will also be prices for packets, mini-parcels, small parcels, parcels, medium parcels, medium to middling parcels, middling to large parcels and large parcels providing they are no more than 20cm square and have a surface area less than a Mars bar.

2nd class will now be the new first class and will cost significantly less at £9.99 and a new budget stamp the 3rd class will come into effect tomorrow.

The 'Sorry I'm Late. Again.' will cost £2 for a standard postcard and will be delivered as and when we see fit if at all. Featuring a colourful snail logo it will no doubt be a collectors edition to savour for the future. In further changes all postboxes will now be pay-to-post with their postal slots only opening after depositing the correct change. They will be emptied every Friday in the third week of each month and your daily collections will be improved for your convenience by reducing them to once a week.

So there we are, a thrilling ride roughshod over the rampant stamp stallion taking you to heaven and back. Try it, you never know you might like it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Party!

Saturday 25th May, 12-4pm

Summer With The Impossimals

Castle Galleries, Meadowhall, Sheffield

You are all invited to Summer With The Impossimals, two brand new editions released at a launch party being held at Castle Galleries, Meadowhall later this May. It promises to be a great event with stories, dedications, drink, new editions, drink and lots and lots of Impossimals on display, did I mention drink?

Both myself and Jayne will be there for this free event and no invite is required, just turn up on the day. You will also get a free Impossimal badge and hear first hand about the secret that is Bloodline, an Impossimally over the top collection making its startling appearance later this year.

This is a one off event, don't miss it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

BUSSRQ

The line moved steadily forward as the queue of people shuffled along like some gigantic centipede dragging all of its heels simultaniously. Children dressed in rags milled about lawlessly through crowds of cackling mothers whilst fathers stood stoically looking somewhere into the distance, painful memories of toil would occasionally wash over their faces and they would briefly lower their head with tears in their eyes.

The queue was designed to sap life, degrade, torment and control the population, there was no getting away from it, all the other exits were closed this was the only way through. It was policed by one guard who snapped and pointed at one of four possible destinations, bags were searched at random, items were split from packaging on the lookout for stolen goods being concealed within. One elderly woman could take no more, she threw down her bag and pushed her way past the guard uttering gutteral oaths only to be caught by a second waiting behind the heavily guarded security desk. We saw her no more, she was ushered off shouting and screaming and then there was silence as if a savage blow had silenced her plea's.

Soviet Russia has nothing on the Orwellian self service checkout yesterday at my local DIY store. Queues, shouts, screams, they were all real, the level of control these superstores now place on the consumer is beyond belief. Self service checkouts are a blight, they remove us from contact with fellow humans, they help us lose compassion for our fellow man. Yesterday the old lady I mentioned above was having serious trouble understanding the concept of the self checkout whilst trying to buy a few plants, she was from a different age that much was apparent by I also saw something else, a deep panic that I see time and time again in people, a panic that is unable to cope with modern life and the speed at which it changes. Think about how different things are now compared to say ten years ago. Did you do most of your shopping online then? Did you control your bank account, pay bills, switch electricity and gas suppliers, have fifty passwords for fifty sites, use Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, have TV on demand, watch streaming movies, read novels, share photos, music and video using a cloud all online?

No, most of the boom has also been our decline. That old lady realised that yesterday, she didn't fit anymore. Our fast paced way of life had pulled away from her and she couldn't cope. The assistant was too busy sorting out the other shoppers problems like the lack of barcodes or items that needed to remain in the basket to really show any kind of concern that maybe, just maybe there are people in this world that have never used a self service checkout before and are quite frankly overwhelmed.

Before I get all spouty about it lets lighten the mood and change the subject to the only time I had visited the DIY store and actually went to a manned till. It was only a few weeks ago but I remember it well as the checkout lady was drunk. No, really, she was off her trolley, so much so we had to wrestle the scanning device from her hands and scan our own stuff through whilst she looked on through rheumy eyes, slowly swaying with our arm movements. We had to be patient whilst she tried to use the credit card machine and we picked up various objects she had dropped along the way, it took a while and we had to listen intently to understand what was said. We left her swaying, looking like anytime now she was going to hurl on a customer or at the very least pass out. That's the thing about self service checkouts, where on earth are you going to get service like that?

Top tip for today, don't go to a DIY superstore on a Bank Holiday, it's hells waiting room.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Dirty Gerty

£7 for a pair of new pyjamas hidden under a pile of other nightwear in my supermarkets men's department, quite a bargain. Ok, they may be gaudy shade of blue but my current ones are so full of mystery holes as I explained last week that really they were too good an offer to miss. I paid my money and skipped out of the store convinced a bargain was snatched from under their noses.

That was two weeks ago, this morning I stood looking in the mirror through that bleary eyed look you get first thing in the morning and wondered why I had grown a pair of breasts overnight. Sticking out from underneath my new pyjamas were two enormous knockers, I stood swaying not knowing if I should be in raptures as I'll have something to play with or crying that I'll have to start wearing a 38DD. Maybe I was still dreaming and this was some weird cross dressing hermaphrodite nightmare.

Puzzled I washed my face to brighten myself up a little and looked back in the mirror. They were gone, vanished, I was boobless. Whoa! What the hell? No matter how much I pressed my chest together I couldn't get them to appear again, I even twisted a nipple radio dial like trying to bring them back thinking maybe its like a secret inflation button that women don't tell men about but all to no avail. Bemused I walked back into the bedroom.

'What's with the breasts?' said Jayne.

Looking down my whoppers were back, my hands instinctively went to cup them and was met by thin air, it was then it dawned on me. I was wearing women's pyjamas. The top had been cut in such a way as to cup the breasts, not apparent when you slip them on but spend a night wriggling about in bed and the next morning they have pulled in such a way that they bellow up exactly where they are needed giving me at least the impression of a couple of fun puppies.

As you can see, it puckers nicely to cup delicately across the chest.

I checked the label, FM which I assume stands for female and the closer I looked at them the more I noticed it all looked a bit feminine, even down to, now don't laugh, the delicate bow around the waist. I can see you stifling a laugh, silly old Peter, how could you not know? How indeed, for the last two weeks I have been cavorting around Bunnyopolis at night and even answered the door dressed fruitily in my girly sleepover nightware to sign for a parcel, god knows what everybody thought but then again if I can talk about twenty uses for Shredded Wheat or write a sketch about armchair cowboy doctors then I suppose cross dressing no matter how accidental is probably par for the course. Only yesterday I found myself carefully glueing back together the shell of an egg and making a cream pie (don't laugh again! You lot really do have a one track mind) from plasticine, cotton wool and real jelly, life doesn't get any more exciting than this.

Do I carry on wearing them and put up with the lady lumps or buy a pair of fluffy slippers to go with them?

I don't know, I'll have a think about it after I have removed my makeup and took off my black patent six inch heels which are killing me. Now where are my keys, they must be in my handbag somewhere...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Well I Never!

It's the return of 'Well I Never!' And this weeks question comes from Ms Twiddly Ramsbottom in Oxfordshire who wrote in asking what she can do with a box of Shredded Wheat found at the back of the kitchen cupboard as she has no idea where it came from or indeed what to do with them.

Well Ms Twiddly, fear not, for today we have twenty things to do with surplus Shredded Wheat. You ask, we answer!

1. Replace all the tiles on the roof of your house with shredded wheat for an instant thatched cottage look.

2. Due to their rough texture they make ideal pan scrubbers for baked on food.

3. Two tied around your shins provide protection when playing sport. Pop one down he front of your trousers for extra protection.

4. Or put one in your swimming gear when taking a dip to impress.

5. Nearly forgot, make sure it's in the front of your swimming gear and NOT the back.

6. Don't follow number 4 if you wear a bikini.

7. Strap one to each of a cats paws for a makeshift buoyant set of shoes that allows cats to walk on water.

8. Mini Shreddies attached to wire make attractive earrings and you will always have a snack to hand if you feel peckish.

9. Paint your shereddies green, yellow, blue and red to give yourself an instant set of Sticklebricks. If they fail to stickle dip them in milk first.

10. Place a Shreddie in a bowl cover with orange juice and leave for twenty four hours. Return to your Shreddie now that it has soaked up all the juice and stick a fork in the narrow end making sure it penetrates the Shreddie at least half way. Place your Shreddie fork combo in a freezer and wait for a warm day. Simply remove from the freezer, hold the fork and munch away on a refreshing cooling orange lolly with plenty of roughage. If you drop your Shreddie use the handy included fork to eat it off the floor with no mess.

11. A Shreddie placed in the back of your pants will avoid embarassing flatulance problems by absorbing any smells and muffling any noises. Remember to replace every twenty four hours due to shedding.

12. Crumble six shereddies into a tray to create instant pet litter. Once soiled pour in milk and leave five minutes until it turns into a solid lump that can easily be lifted out and disposed of.

13. Using glue stick one to each heel of your shoes to turn them into Cuban heels and look fashionable.

14. Ladies are your eyebrows too thin? Using two mini shreddies covered in black mascara attach them using nail glue to where your eyebrows should be. Now you will be able to flutter your eyebrows along with your lashes when you do a duck face.

15. Paint a Shreddie white or black and stick a piece of foil to one side. Hold it in one hand and tap it with your other, occasionally swipe your Shreddie to give the impression you have a smart phone or iShred. Hollow out your Shreddie and pop your old phone inside to give a more realistic effect especially when you receive a call.

16. Having trouble shredding your Shreddie? Turn any bike upside down and spin the wheels. Thrust your Shreddie into the spokes as it rotates and voila! You will be amazed, bike wheels make fantastic Shreddie shredding shredders.

17. Own a kindle but want to impress friends with your extensive library? Take a box of shreddies and paint them booky colours like dark reds and greens. Using a gold felt tip write amusing and serious titles on the side and arrange in an empty shoebox.

18. Make a joke 'floater' by covering one in chocolate and leaving it in an unflushed toilet.

19. Use shreddies instead of expensive briquettes for your barbecues.

20. Write a blog about using shreddies in unusual circumstances to avoid painting for as long as you can until you get to number twenty and realise its time to start work.

21. Carry on typing hoping it may go away.

22. Realise that you are delaying the inevitable.

23. Cry.

24. Look out of the window.

25. Make a coffee.

26. Look at painting and panic.

27. Realise you need to finish the blog entry otherwise you will never paint and become destitute finally selling your body for shillings on the town hall steps.

28. Like last Friday when I made fifty pence.

29. Maybe I should have charged a little more.

30. Especially when it included feathers and a donkey.

31. Ahh, just thought of another one.

32. No I haven't, Shreddie based staircases are not funny.

You are sure to find something in there Ms Twiddly, good luck with your Shreddies and don't forget to send us all your Shreddie related pictures.

Goodbye from 'Well I Never!', don't forget to read our companion blog 'Bugger Me!' A week on Tuesday where we will be telling you how to make a fairground ride from surgical trusses.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Armchair Cowboy

Meet Clint Stetson, the coolest armchair cowboy around these parts as we join him on a typical day.

'Yee-haw! ride em' cowboy!' Clint shouted as he mounted the back of his loyal armchair steed Dusty Cushion. Made from the sturdiest of foam and floral material Dusty had been Clint's faithful steed for many years and seen him through many life threatening situations including Clint's brush with Chief Wig Wam Thank You Mam and his tribe of broom carrying sofa squaws.

'Today Dusty we ride into Dodgem City and round up the on the dodge cattle rustler Bad Benny and get us some of that reward money'

Clint tilted his fifty gallon hat, whipped out his gun and shot out the table lamp then kicked in his spurs and bounced up and down on the stiff cushion until he had built up quite a sweat.

'Nearly there Dusty, look you can see the saloon from here, I can't wait for four fingers of red eye'. If Dusty could look he would have seen through the window the saloon and realised that Clint had rather poor eyesight. 'Curl Up And Dye' was a new beauty salon that had opened up opposite.

'Dang, this is hard work, how about we break camp here for a while Dusty and have some chuck, we need to be alert, this area is full of road agents.' Clint gets down from his stuffed mount and lays out a small striped blanket from his saddlebag. Opening up a tin of beans Clint looks around for a source of firewood, finding little in the arid desert of the room he smashes up his last wooden chair and lights it using some papers on his desk. Smoke billows around the room as the small campfire burns a hole in the floorboards. Clint's beans are soon bubbling away but visibility is getting poor.

'Dang Dusty, that's some damp wood, all this smoke will attract injuns, what we need a good whippety snippet of a wind. I'm going to climb that dang dare hill and see if we've been spotted.' Clambering onto a small occasional table Clint steps boldly onto his desk, with one hand shielding his eyes from the glaring light of the 100 watt bulb he scans the horizon just as the desk collapses under the weight of Clint in full western gear plunging him head first into the waste paper basket.

'Dusty! Dusty! Help! I've fell into a disused gold mine and its that dark I can't see!' Stumbling around the room Clint stubs his toe on the desk. 'Oh no! Dusty! Dusty! I'm a goner, I've been bitten by a rattler!'. Hopping around temporarily blinded and holding his foot Clint stumbles uncontrollably into the wall knocking himself backwards and landing heavily in front of Dusty Cushion. The waste paper basket, now dislodged, rolls away harmlessly.

After several unconscious minutes Clint awakes. 'You did it Dusty! You old faithful steed, I knew I could count on you. Did you find me from my calls and drag me out using your teeth? Good old Dusty.'

Just then a buzzing noise causes Clint to spin around and draw his gun, on instinct he fires a few shots only to find there's nothing there. 'I'm a bit jumpy Dusty, it must be the snake bite'

Bzzzzzzt.

'Doctor, are you ready for your next patient?'

Clint walks over to the desk and presses a button.

'Yes, nurse, just give me a few minutes please then send them in.'

'Ok, Doctor.'

'Dang Dusty, at this rate we will never get to Dogem but I'm not going out without a fight!'

Doctor Stetson tips over his desk to face the door, telling Dusty Cushion to take cover he lines up his ammunition and a few sticks of dynamite to wait for his first patient of the day.

Suddenly an explosion took out most of the door frame, Dr Benny rode in on Black Bessy, his trusty swivel chair on wheels, firing wildly at Dr Stetson. Dusty took a bullet and feathers sprayed into the air. Before Dr Stetson could return fire both their attentions were drawn to the charred door frame from where a 'awawawawawawa' noise was coming from.

Nurse Nightingale stepped out in full Indian gear, took aim with her bow and disarmed both doctors with two quickly fired arrows.

'Right you two, that's enough, no more cowboys and Indians. For god sake you are doctors and should be setting an example. After all it's Wednesday and as you well know it's astronaut day, here's your helmets and suits, this time don't walk so quickly Dr Stetson its unrealistic.'

THE END

Or is it?

I have just read that back to myself and at first glance I fear for my sanity.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Wonders Of Electricity

Electricity has been with us for a long time, from the first static sparks created rubbing two sticks together in 60,000BC to today's clean green electricity made from fans spinning to the gusts of flatulent cows. Today we explore electricity of the ancients and uncover the secrets of internal wiring before trumpeting cows were even invented.

Rome and the colosseum, home to the Roman spectacle of donkey shaving, an orgy of creativity as competitors try to out shave their opponents donkey, truly one of the seven wonders of the world. To shave donkeys safely they needed good lighting and that was provided using a triple spur mounted cable shuffler.

These shufflers enable the electricity being created by Nubian slaves on large treadmills to be transported from neighbouring Spain using cable made from reeds and the spit of the humble dung beetle. These cables ran for many miles finally meeting at the colosseum to provide not only lighting but the first ever two point shaving socket. So the next time you plug your shaver in spare a thought for the Romans and the humble donkey, without them you wouldn't know how to shave.

Slightly smaller than our magnificent Blackpool tower the 162ft Eyeful tower was erected in 1635, six years after the one in the northern resort. Originally intended to be the worlds biggest helter skelter a freak accident involving one of the spirals plunged a workman to his death as he sped around the tower at speeds reaching 264mph (that's 8726kmph in old money) until his coconut mat caught fire and his shoes combusted blasting him twenty two miles only to land in a smouldering heap through the window of a bakery in Calais. He declared the ride 'grand' before expiring on a pile of cream horns.

Anyway, this is the massive junction box that powered the tower in 1704. Rumour has it that when the switch was thrown the static burst was so big that Parisians hair stood on end for three months. The junction box was used to power a small electric light at the top of the Eyeful Tower that was visible to aeroplanes, great foresight as aeroplanes were still 200 years into the future.

Possibly the most complex wiring job ever taken on was Stonehenge, or as it used to be known No.6 Salisbury Way, Camelot, England. The first ever domestic two up, two down house that today looks a shambles. Archeologists differ on their opinions of why Stonehenge exists but really the answer is quite simple after scientists deciphered strange markings on the side of one of the stones.

This is the markings, the first ever wiring diagram for a domestic setting, proof indeed that ancient man was way ahead of its time. Electricians have studied this diagram and came to the conclusion that the ancient sparky go his sums wrong and sent a full 20v to the hallway and 240v to the kitchen where a new gas pipe was being laid. The resulting explosion destroyed everything around it for miles leaving only what we see today. A stone slab found in Wales from the explosion had the words 'Shi' etched on it, possibly the last words our ancient electrician ever scratched.

By the miracle of modern science our very own Battersea power station opened in 1902. Powered by a thousand dogs on treadmills trying to catch a dancing bone it remained in full use until 1944 when it was bombed heavily during the war. After WWII it was replaced with a more sustainable cat and ball of wool system although that tended to randomly do what it wanted and occasionally plunged everyone into darkness if anybody left a cardboard box around.

Inside was a simple system to feed our need for electricity, three cables, one for earth that is placed in the ground, on called neutral that was left loose for cats to bat and one live that carried the cat bats energy generated directly to kitchens up and down the country.

Finally the secrets of the Pharaohs, a four point pin socket that reveals that it was not all about Sirius, Nubius, Dubious and Mummies. During excavations of Tutankhamen's chamber they found a curious item resembling scissors. It turned out to be curling tongs and when out together with an unusual shaped gap in the centre of the pyramid it was revealed for the first time that the great pyramid was in fact an ancient beauty salon specialising in the curling of hair.

You can see here that the socket found fits perfectly with all four corners of the pyramid and also helped design the look for Toblerone.

A set of hieroglyphic markings on one of the internal chamber turned out to be a price list with bikini lines costing a jar of asses milk whilst a short back and sides was a whopping bushel of corn. Amazing stuff I'm sure you will agree.

I hope you have enjoyed your travel through time, tomorrow we will discuss Facebook through the centuries and the founding of Twitter in 0BC with the very first tweet 'no @mary I'm not following a bloody star to Bethlehem it's Christmas #leaveittothethreekings'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals