Back To The Froopture

My name is A.Bradshaw D.D, M.D, C.D, BA Hons L.O.L, T.I.T and I would like to open the space time portal in an attempt to explain this weekends last ever appearance for the artist previously known as Peter Smith, now to be known as '%' in Cambridge. Although '%' will be at Castle Galleries tomorrow, 21st December, 1-4pm, a free event where everyone is welcome I thought we would tiptoe through history to meet other unfortunate individuals with strange delusions.

To do this we need to get my patented CYCLOTRONic 1000, which uses capital letters to make it sound more awesome up to a cruising speed of 85mph. Hang on, I'll just plug it in.

Here we go, 10mph...27mph...58mph...85mph! Prepare to turn yourself inside out anus first!

CRRRACK!!!!

1889 Miss Lydia Per'culiar - Poet

Well prithy thy traveller, I am Miss Per'culiar, poet extraordinaire and would adore to shower you with prose. My latest is called Love Sonnet Bonnet, a soothing tale of young passion and red hot crustaceans, I hope you like it.

"The boy stood on the windswept moors eating red hot scollops,

One dropped down his trousers and burnt him on his ankles.

Missed his b******s completely."

AHEM! Let's press that button and move on shall we? Whooooossshhh!!!!

1915 Arthur Lloyd Hardy - Comedian

How do! Come on my little chicks, How do!, I can't hear you mother, one last time How do! Let's get this bandwagon rolling and I'll let you rub my washer board, likes a good scrub doesn't it mother?

How do!

I say, I say, I say, what do you call a lady with two jugs?

I don't know, what do you call a lady with two jugs?

You've got two jugs haven't you mother, and nice jugs two, how do! You call her mother, how do! Can you hear me at the back, I can't hear you laughing!

I say, I say, I say, what is the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

I don't know, what is the difference between a goldfish and a goat?

One mucks around in fountains the other f**** around in mountains!

How do!

You there, yes, you at the front, is she always that ugly? How do!

AHEM, looks like we need to move on...WHOOOSHHH!!!!

1980 Miss Berber Cartwheel - Romantic Novelist

Hello dearie, I'm the award winning Berber Cartwheel author of 7264 novels of romanticism, inventor of the escapist romp and heavy duty make up wearer. You may know me from titles such as 'I Can Ride One Of These For You' and 'Hurrah For Buns And Cheese'. My latest 'Hold On, I've Half A Mind To Lug You Off' is a steaming hotbed of passion set in a 18th century pie shop. Here's a tantalising excerpt...

'She took hold of his pasties and lifted them up to her face. He threw his head back to flick his hair suductively, a subtle accompaniment to his slow hip thrusts which grew all the more rampant as he fondled her steak and kidney pie. Slowly he stuck it in to her AHEM! let's move on quickly, WHOOOOSSHHH!!!!

1950 Clarke Crooner - Las Vegas Singer

Well hello ladies, my name is Clarke, would you like a drink whilst you are waiting? Good, let me get you a large one, seems like I already have one here for you waiting.

How fortunate.

Do you know what a Las Vegas singer says first thing in a morning?

No?

Do you want to find out?

Here, let me brush that hair away from your face, it must have hurt.

You seem puzzled, all I'm saying is that it must have hurt when you fell from heaven.

Did the sun just come up or did you just smile at me?

Your place or mine, I'll show you my mic stand...

AHEM!!! Let's get out of here, our final destination, surely we can make sense of all of this! WHOOOSHHH!

1989 Dr Risland Bonce - Psychological Expert

In my medical opinion Peter is borderline insane and I urge you to see him at his last event tomorrow before I lock him up for good and throw away the key. I have even invented a new condition to describe his mania, it's called Peteractuallyisatosserobia and affects less than 0.00000001% of the population, essentially Peter is the only sufferer although he regularly makes other suffer his infernal blog.

See you tomorrow at the final appearance and the last ever car park picnic!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Problem Moose Christmas Special

Dear Problem Moose,

What kind of tree should I get this year, I usually prefer a real tree but this year I'm considering a fake tree, which is the most Eco friendly?

B.Crosby

Well if I were you dear I'd go for the biggest fabulous most flamboyant tree you could find decorated with fluffy pink boa's and forget about the environment, life is all about being fabulous darling. Whilst you are at it hire a couple of semi naked male models to stand either side to scatter glitter over you as you open your gorgeous presents. Fake it baby, it's what all the gorgeous people do, it's either that or get a real tree and be boring, go back to your beige walls, brown sofa and slippers, the mundanity of it all is crushing dearie, be fabulous, be glorious, I will survive, I've got all my life to live, I've got all me love to give and I'll survive! WoooOOoooOOOOoooo!

Dear Problem Moose,

I have my wife's family coming for Christmas dinner but I have never cooked anything more than toast, what should I do?

J.Oliver

Just wing it dear, get people in, it's what all the celebrities do. Did you know William Shatner once had staff in to serve just ONE chocolate eclair to Leonard Nemoy during a special screening of Shatner Sings? Beyoncé once famously hired the entire country of Japan to work in her local Yo Sushi! to make it more authentic. Just get those bad boys in and nobody will be the wiser whilst you can swish around looking fabulous. Sprinkle a bit of glitter on the table for some pizzaz and towards the end of the meal change into a slinky sequinned outfit and belt out 'Hey big spender' whilst wrapping your feather boa seductively around her fathers neck.

Dear Problem Moose,

This blog isn't really going anywhere, when will you blog about something funny?

Happy?

See yawl tomorrow's

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Leftovers

We all hate leftover especially over the Christmas period so today I'm going to show you how to make the most your meals starting with the humble carrot.

Carrots are incredibly versatile and healthy, if sharpened they make great orange pens, if frozen use instead of ice cubes to add a bit of novelty to any drink, or you could make the latest 'must have' decorations like this beautiful candy cane.

Take any carrot and leave in a relatively warm room for several days, the carrot needs to feel limp with a texture not unlike loose skin. Once at this stage they are ready to cane-ify.

Taking a marker pen quickly add the stripes all the way down, no firmly but not too hard press on the thin end until it starts to bend. Don't over do this bit or the carrot will snap before you know it and you will be in a right mess I can tell you. If required, practice a little by bending a few green beans first. If you have done it correctly you should have the attractive carrot cane shown above. If not keep trying, it takes practice but is totally worth it.

Guess what, we are not done yet, with all those broken carrots it's time to create your own Santa's Grotto complete with Santa, child and a queue of parents.

Carefully slice the remaining pieces until you have enough 'actors' to star in your scene. Using a marker pen add eyes and mouths to the players and carefully cut a 'V' for the legs. Use any old bit of paper to fashion yourself a small beard and hat, use our template if you are struggling.

Et voilà, a fantastic Santa scene recreated entirely from leftovers. Professionals should be able to modify these instructions to create a Nativity scene, real dedication though is required to go one step further and use all that leftover meat.

Want a last minute present but only have the left over carrots from your Santa scene? No problem, how about Yuletide carrot prints?

Take one carrot and carefully using a knife (under 40's ask your parents for permission first) carve out a festive 'Y' as shown above.

Then very simply get yourself some cheap paint or use food colouring and get stamping! As you can see it works a treat, simply wrap up the carrot and paint, possibly with a blank piece of paper so they can get stamping them out straight away and the you have it, a Yuletide Carrot Stamp made with love.

BONUS PARTY TRICK

Want to impress at the dinner table and balance ANY ball on a piece of string? This amazing trick is impossible to detect and uses clever misdirection to achieve this FANTASTIC result.

Very simply carry along with you a ball of string and the ball of your choice, tennis balls are good but to really impress use a beach ball.

Start by announcing that you are going to show them something amazing and pull out the string. Grip both ends and pull it tight, allow fellow diners to examine the string for trickery and select one member to hold the end whilst you hold the other. Make sure the strung is tight and announce you are going to balance this ball (show your balls) on the piece of string.

Now for the trick, pretend to have a bit of a choking fit, cough and splutter before reaching for your handkerchief under the table and bending double so effectively the audience cannot see your face and they are too busy being concerned.

Now it's just a matter of taking out the masking tape you have had clenched between your legs and pulling out enough with your teeth to hold your ball tight on the string. Place the tape on the back of the ball away from the audience and sit back up. Announce you are now indeed fine and still holding the ball with the tape at the back carefully place on the string and secure.

Bathe in the applause then quickly remove the ball and tape and ask other diners to try the same trick to no avail. Be the life and soul of the party, finish with a flourish and play the theme tune to Eastenders using just the wine glasses and a spoon. End the rendition by shouting 'Bianca!' In a London accent then add a dramatic boom, boom, boom by banging your shoe on the table.

Tomorrow hairbrush fires and how to tackle them over the festive period.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

TV Pluschoiceradiotimes

Welcome to your 14-Day Guide

All your family favourites!

Best Value Double Issue 95p

CHRISTMAS DAY HIGHLIGHTS

Guide written by TV Pundit, Ivor Crimblecock

BBC1

4:00am Christmas LIVE

Secret cameras record children as they wake up and drag their drunk parents out of bed to watch them rip open mountains of presents and discard them in a corner because they had not been bought the latest Furby. Watch them sulk as they get slippers, watch them shout as they get socks, watch them leave dad to set up that train set he always wanted whilst mother struggles with the turkey and the possibility of coping with family.

10:00am Christmas Day: From Westminster Abbey

Fun and frolics as the donkey goes berserk after sniffing a scented candle during a nativity scene accompanied by the specially rewritten classic budget Christmas carol, Lidl Donkey.

11:00am Chicken Run

Time for a mindless film that nobody will watch as everybody is too busy arguing, drinking, boiling veg or picking up aged relatives.

3:00am The Queen

Her Majesty's Christmas massage to the nation. In this episode she shows you how to relieve a bad back and why she has worn shoes styled on Minnie Mouse's footwear for all these years. Warning may feature Corgis.

5:00pm Strictly Come Dancing

Why strictly? It's quite stern when you think about it, when I was growing up it was called 'Come Dancing' a far more gentle feel and it was always from the Blackpool Ballroom in Blackpool, Blackpool Tower which is actually in Blackpool. None of this flouncy, huff puff stuff we get today with its slapped on smiles and unknown, well known celebrities who gained fame for being, well, just for being, we shall leave it there as I feel a rant coming on and are now forming the backbone of our Christmas entertainment as we all sit around having the televisual experience of a full frontal lobotomy.

7:30pm Doctor Who

Not content with episode after episode with no explanation as to what or how the bloody sonic screwdriver works we have a Christmas special featuring, yawn, yet another doctor disappearing and another, yawn, appearing. Get ready for the new doctor, yawn, if, yawn, you can, yawn, stay awake, zzzzzzz.

N.B. May feature some creature or some weird force that 'kills' the doctor, but really you know he is always going to regenerate so it kinda takes the fun out of it, albeit this time he comes back as a old person, I hope he's grumpy with it. Respawn!

8:30pm Eastenders

In an hour long episode David attacks Carol with a sausage as a tram crashes into Bianca's hair causing Albert Square to be covered in a strange ginger fur. The Vic gets a new landlord and Nikki arrives at the hospital for the insane after seeing Rolly emerge along with Angie and Dirty Den from Arthur Fowlers kitchen. In other news I'm writing about characters who I have never seen as I have never watched Eastenders but I know Grant will probably still be in it.

BBC2

7:20am Herbie Goes Bananas

Deciding to show the least entertaining of the Herbie films, the first being Lovebug, the channel is hoping to capture the attention of 0% of the population by showing poor judged films.

11:00am - 9:30pm Morecombe & Wise

In an attempt to recreate the stunning programming of days gone by when Christmas television including the films were special, a mishmash of programs to evoke nostalgia interspliced with surreptitious adverts for Doctor Who masquerading as programs such as Doctor Who at the Proms (Yawn) and An Adventure In Space And Time ( Yawn, yawn) and finishing with The Two Ronnie's and again Morecombe & Wise.

N.B. I quote from knowledgable fact that Christmas television went downhill from around 1984 as I used to collect the Christmas edition Radio and TV Times. Yes, it's quite sad I know but as soon as satellite television reached the UK we were doomed from the start and I stopped collecting.

ITV

9:25am Santa Claus: The Movie

What a flippin' surprise, yet again it's wheeled out of its box and the Betamax tape is run again to please the masses only it doesn't, it never did, not even in 1985 when it was released. Dudley Moore an Elf, really? Have you ever heard Derek and Clive? Not very Elfish is it? Anyway purveyors of dross will love this film as it singlehandedly makes Jingle All The Way with Arnold Scwartssssyyyyigger look like an Oscar award winning classic.

1:30pm You've Been Framed! At Christmas

A repeat. You've seen them all, it's all we have, would be a more apt name as we watch sledge accidents, snow problems and petulant kids in grainy footage. Hilarious, as much fun as having rectal surgery with a stick.

6:15pm Emmerdale vs Coronation Street

Head to head both soaps compete to find who can pack the most misery into one episode, choose from drunks flying into a rage in Coronation street to a drunk who pours petrol on a house in Emmerdale. Looks like someone has been reading each other's scripts. Don't worry if it didn't depress you enough it's repeated tomorrow so you can carry on weeping.

8:30pm Downton Abbey

Dress up, show off in loud voices that fail to convey the language of the age, have some romantic tryst, giggle, shout at the staff and storm out rakishly. Once I have done that I settle down to watch this gentle program about nothing as I have seen it all before when I used to watch Upstairs, Downstairs in 1979.

CHANNEL 4

I'm not bloody joking, it's the same every year. The Simpsons (again?), The Snowman (yes) and The Snowman and Snowdog back to back (don't push it), The Simpsons (can't you put anything on this channel that doesn't begin with 'The') followed by the person we thought would never get back on Christmas television after the awfully dire House Party, Mr Christmas himself, old Noely and Deal or No Deal. Quite frankly I stopped giving a deal many moons ago dear channel four. What else have you got?

8:30pm Bear's Wild Weekend With Stephen Fry

Ok, might be ok, does it contain some urine drinking experience, if not it's not worth watching. Just sayin'

11:05pm Father Ted

It better not be the one where they get trapped in the lingerie department. It flipping is isn't it! I'm not joking, this has been on more times than the bloody Snowman. It's a funny episode the first time, it's amusing the second, by the third it's getting a little strained, by this fifteenth time I'm ready to stove the television in, I hope your following it with something a little better.

12:15pm Father Ted - Back to Back Episodes

Feck! Drink!

CHANNEL 5

Or should I call you CHANNEL FILM?

Lots of classic films that cost tuppence to show with repeats about Eddie Stobbart and Christmas movies, like we haven't had enough yet followed by a premier film. Yipee!

9:30pm This Is It

Oh, it's the Michael Jackson film, just what I wanted to watch on Christmas Day a film about the tour that pushed him to his death, gee, thanks for that, what's next?

Repeats, glorious repeats!

I'd expect nothing else.

Really, me Ivor Crimblecock being asked to write a guide on such dross, I should be writing tomes on the History Of Belly Fluff or Noses - A Pickers Guide not reviewing mass entertainment waffle.

Instead here's my Ode to Christmas.

Christmas is a jolly time a bottle of misery a glass of whine,

With a magical feeling my heart gives a flutter as a jolly little bearded chap who really is no sucker,

Climbs down my chimney like a slide covered with butter to have a dump the cheeky little fu

THATS IT YOU'RE FIRED - EDITOR

We apologise for Mr Crimblecocks unseasonal outburst and offer as compensation a voucher for the next issue, simply cut out and present at the checkout to redeem. Only one per person, no cash equivalent.

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| TV Pluschoiceradiotimes 10p OFF |

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Still, there's always this...

Click to play or click here

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Last But Not Least

It was always going to be a hard weekend, two event, long distances with one unknown gallery and one we knew was going to be a busy one. They also both required early starts so with my best grumpy cat face I dragged myself out of bed to count my wrinkles.

By 7:30am we were on the road in reasonably heavy Christmas traffic, the car park was busy too when we arrived, Christmas was coming...

 So first up was a relatively new gallery, Castle Fine Art in Cheltenham and my is it a stunning space. Set in a  prestigious part of town the gallery really looks the part. Inside we were made most welcome and almost immediately we began.

 The three hours just flew by, collectors old an new came along including a couple who first met us in 2006 and had been collecting all these years. The funny thing is that I still recognised them after all that time much to my delight.

 For a first event it went extremely well indeed and we left rather in a rather buoyant mood and departed through a Christmas market complete with carolling, in a beautiful rendition of 'Away In A Manger', quite magical.

 A 4am start on Sunday for one of the biggest runs, Castle Galleries at Bluewater in Kent. The weekend was supposed to be one of the busiest of the year and Bluewater is one of the busiest shopping destinations every day of the year so put the two together and you quickly find out why the tens of thousands of car parking spaces fill up rather quickly. We arrived at 9:30am to a car park already half full, boy was it going to get manic.

A full on appearance, so many collectors came along and the gallery at times was fit to burst, in addition I must have signed nearly a hundred dedications along the way and added doodles and additions to lots of special presents. The whole event started early and ran over turning the three hours into nearly five hours, a fantastic event.

A great weekend, great galleries, great collectors and great fun.

So, I'm writing this blog with a headache and limbs like jelly, why? Well, over the 48 hour period we managed to work a whopping 36 of them and we arrived home after very heavy traffic and using the Satnav accident avoidance system last night a few minutes before ten. Within fifteen minutes of arriving home I was to be found zonked out in bed. Happy but very, very tired.

So, one left. It's a goody.

Saturday 21st December, Castle Fine Art, Cambridge 1-4pm.

The last appearance for years to come, one last chance to get that dedication or special doodle for Christmas. A free event and the final party destination of Bloodlines that we will be throwing everything at, see you this weekend.

Let's Roll

Psssst, only three appearances left to get your special Impossimal dedications or to hear the stories behind your Impossimal pieces before Peter gets locked in his studio for two years without food or water with only Plasticine and a few matchsticks for company.

This weekend is a big weekend, not only will Peter be bringing his Impossimals to a brand new gallery but he will also be appearing at one of the UK's largest shopping centres on Sunday when he visits Bluewater. Both events are free and will feature plenty of retro Impossimals, new Impossimals and the latest Bloodlines Lost Impossimals as the tour enters it's final flurry of appearances.

Saturday 14th December, 2-5pm Castle Fine Art, Cheltenham

Sunday 15th December, 1-4pm Castle Galleries, Bluewater

'I'd give my left ball to get to either of these appearances this weekend' - Elton John

'I'd karate chop my grandmother to get to either of these appearances.' - Bruce Lee

'I'd join the dark side to get to Cheltenham on Saturday to meet Peter.' - Princess Leia

'I don't give a toss, just look at my butt. LOOK AT IT!' - Mick Jagger

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the greatest of them all, it's me, cat, isn't it.' - Diedre Barlow

'I'm coming to the appearance with all my friends in revenge for all the cat pictures.' - Tigger

'It says here that he's a tosser. Just sayin' - Will Smith

'I can't believe it's not butter.' - Queen Elizabeth II

See you this weekend!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Nut Loose And Fancy Free

Before I start today's blog I would like to thank everyone for joining in on Facebook yesterday with the epic twelve days of Christmas posts, I wanted to bring back the old interactive Facebook that made it such fun all those years ago before advertising and 'personal experience' started to dampen it down. It made a great diversion and I hope you enjoyed it, just got to ween the Turtle Doves off hobnobs and I'll be fine.

I have just one more favour to ask, this weekend we are visiting a brand new gallery, one that has no previous history of Impossimal appearances and we would like it to be a great appearance for them, so if you could share, inform or generally let anybody you think might be interested in coming along know about the event so we can make the day go with a bang that would be appreciated. It all kicks off at Castle Fine Art in Cheltenham this Saturday 14th December between 2-5pm, which coincidentally is also Jaynes birthday so making her work instead of celebrating makes me feel a bit of a heel. If any of you can make it on the day please come along as they have some wonderful pieces including one original that we have been hiding away just for this event, the Mysterious Count Carpathian Von Porl. On Sunday 15th December we will be at the incredibly popular Castle Galleries in Bluewater, 1-4pm for our penultimate appearance.

Anyway, on with the blog...

LOOSE NUTS GUIDE TO A PERFECT CHRISTMAS

It's that time of year again when we all gather together and realise why we spend the rest of the year avoiding each other so what better than to follow a few handy tips to avoid the stress of wearing a sodding smile for so long that your ears hurt after getting yet another handkerchief set with your initials on.

CHRISTMAS EVE

Queue outside of the supermarket at 7am in the morning to do the big shop, as they will be shut for one day make sure you buy enough supplies to last for three weeks. Push, shove and bully your way through the shop, scrap over bags of brussels and don't forget the nuts and satsumas. Return home with no less than ten bags. Unpack.

Have a big sip of Advocaat or that cheeky brandy laced egg nog and wrap your presents ready for the big day. Panic when you realise that you have forgotten somebody then sigh with relief as you find a bottle of wine you were given that you hated. The tops been opened where you had a sniff but wrap it anyway after cleaning the dust off and add the label.

At this late stage with all the shops shut a bottle of wine is a perfectly acceptable gift for the under fives. Have another sip and carry on. Don't forget to check that all the toys have batteries, realise that you have inadvertently bought the batteries but forgot the toys. Wrap the batteries up and add a tag that says 'Toy Not Included'. Have another sip.

Carry on wrapping and sipping for the next hour until either all your presents are wrapped in some form or you start trying to wrap the cat. Giggle at the half wrapped cat then attempt to stroke it, go straight to the bathroom for the plasters and apply them to all the cuts and scratches.

Finish off the first bottle and get out all your vegetables for the big Christmas dinner. Put the brussels on as they will need at least twelve hours, potatoes can also go on as they should be grey in colour and devoid of taste. Return back to the onerous task of dealing with gifts.

Have a quick sip and place the tree under the presents. Look at the pretty baubles and dreamily watch your own reflection for a few minutes mesmerised by the flashing lights. Think 'my god, it's Christmas' and have a good swig of the bottle. Slowly close your eyes and collapse onto the pile of presents.

CHRISTMAS DAY

Wake up. Wonder why you are half naked under the tree, wonder why your mouth tastes like a stale shoe, wonder why the rest of your family is staring at you. Grab for the bottle and have a sip, ahh, that feels better.

Open your gifts with your family, smile unconvincingly at all the correct moments and wince uncontrollably as they open presents that are woefully disappointing. Explain to your five year old that a bottle of wine is actually a Buzz Lightyear spaceship filled with space juice for the journey. Demonstrate by drinking the contents.

Start Christmas breakfast, you know you are going to stuff yourself silly and by tea time you will look like you have swallowed a beach ball so with a wisdom based on tradition you decide that for breakfast you are going to have either a full English or something posh like smoked salmon just to get the ball rolling.

Suddenly remember as you are cooking the sausages that you have forgotten to defrost the turkey.

Spend the next hour with the turkey in the bath, crying uncontrollably and using a hair dryer to thaw it out.

Bung it in the oven, turn it up to full and start straining the vegetables out. Whilst the turkey is cooking start to make the gravy using some red wine. Realise that there is no wine in the house and scream before picking up a packet of Bisto instead and making do with the reality of surviving Christmas on just one bottle of sherry you bought for an ageing relative and a half bottle of Bells.

At 5pm weep uncontrollably again as you serve dinner four hours late to an empty table. Wake all your semi drunk guests and family from their slumped television slumber and give them party hats. Get angry that after slaving away for hours on end they don't appreciate you and the effort you have made this Christmas. Finish the Bells off and slice the turkey.

Spend the next ten minutes weeping and coming to terms that the turkey is only cooked on the outside. Look on the bright side at least you haven't had to endure the usual leg or breast jokes that grow so tiresome each and every bloody year. The brussels look more like mushy peas and the potatoes taste like glue but everyone says nothing and puts on a false glee that sees you through to the end of the meal.

Rant uncontrollably that you are never doing Christmas ever again, it's been a bloody mess from start to finish and everyone can cook their own dinner next year. Finish the sherry.

Rescue what you can from the turkey and make sandwiches, throw them in the laps of your guests and sit down to watch television. Realise you forgot to make a trifle. Quietly weep.

BOXING DAY

Stay in bed. Survive by making sorties to the kitchen for leftovers and working your way through a bucket of Miniature Heroes. Rally a little around tea time and pop next door to borrow a few bottles of wine. Feel better. Finish off the Christmas Toblerone, the festive box of Malteasers and the Milk Tray. Wash it all down with the wine.

27TH DECEMBER

Yay! Realise all the shops are open, go and stock up on all essential supplies such as wine and alcohol. Don't forget to get the crisps, dips and other assorted snacks ready for New Year.

NEW YEARS EVE

Weep uncontrollably at midnight as you regale all the misery from the year whilst smashed out of your tiny head and trying to sing Auld Lang Syne to strangers. Remove crudités from your hair whilst scooping handfulls of Dorritos into your mouth. Make a New Years resolution to never drink again and say next year is going to be different.

NEW YEARS DAY

Wake up under the tree again minus one shoe. Realise that its a New Year and you have got another 365 days of this crap. Start drinking.

CONGRATULATONS!

You have survived Christmas! Have a drink to celebrate!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Twelve Hours Of Christmas

https://www.facebook.com/Impossimal

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

From Russia With Love

Over the weekend I received this pleasant well written email obviously asking for some help.

"Hello

i'm a 30 lady digging for a younger man to give me heaven in bead

I want slammed in just about any position as long as it takes while for you to nut.

My last tumble was with a 23 year old that only took like 30 secs. What a waste of mime.

If you think you can pleasure me and can do this with no strings attached.

Look me Up and make sure you can take what you see before you message me

I'm in town for a few weeks.

See You Lisa"

So, being the helpful person I am I drafted a reply.

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for your delightful email, it was such a joy to receive such a missive from a complete stranger looking for a younger man and I'm indeed flattered that you should choose me even though I have reached the ripe old age of 79 but I'm sure I could give you a bead heaven. We have a haberdashery shop close to home that sells a wide range of beads for any occasion, a place I'm sure will feel like heaven and 'be right up your street' as we say in these parts. As for the digging bit you sound quite handy and I may be able to help there too, I have an allotment that requires plenty of digging this time of year, I grow everything from onions to carrots, cabbages to cauliflowers, digging is sometimes all I do. Let me know if you have your own spade.

I must say that although you offer to 'be slammed in just about any position' I'm reluctant to take you up on your offer as I do not indulge in slamming after trapping my finger in a car door many years ago, it does take me a long time to go nuts though as I'm a very passive person and not prone to outbursts.

That must have been a serious fall, I once fell down stairs but it didn't take me that long to reach the bottom, more like a few seconds for me, what on earth did you tumble down? a mountain? And were you miming at the same time? Wow, I can see why you say it was a waste of mime but tumbling for 30 seconds is still impressive even if nobody saw your version of 'trapped in a glass box' on the way down.

It entirely depends on what type of pleasure pursuits you have in mind, if it is miming then I'm not really a fan, I'm more of a homely type of person and get a lot of pleasure from simply being at home. I like nothing better than spending my days sitting on my commode reading the daily newspapers and watching cricket. Occasionally I will get up, pop on some underpants, turn on the radio and make myself some toast. I too believe that you can take these simple pleasures with no strings attached so as you see, we agree on something.

I certainly will look you up Lisa, in fact I have just clicked on the link you have just sent me, I didn't realise you had your own website SEXSTARVEDMILFS. I must say it opened my eyes a little, although I fail to see how any are starving as they all looked healthy and well fed to me. I'm also unfamiliar with the word Milfs, I can only assume it means, if I remember correctly from many years ago, Milk Is Lacking Fibre, a slogan from the war advising us to eat more fruit and vegetables. Another was BIGTITS, or British Infantry Guard Tasked Infiltration Team Solution, another was SHAT, but I forget what that was for.

Let me know if you would like a good rogering, my cricket bat is always polished and ready for play should you wish, a full game lasts far more than 30 seconds and after an hour I'm sure you will be begging for more after I let you try out a few positions you may not have heard of. There's nothing quite like the slap of leather on willow and once you get the hang of it we will be knocking your stumps over in no time and rubbing my ball vigorously.

Don't forget to send me your contact details, I only need a contact number and of course your bank details and sort code to enable me to verify your identity, one can never be too careful online as you probably well know.

Look forward to our 'meet', if I could bring along my commode it would be really helpful, its on wheels we just need to make sure wherever you decide to meet it has a ramp.

xxx

Q.Bickle
Toilet Attendant Assistant
Platform 9 1/2
Waterloo Station
London

Wonder if I will get a reply?

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Offaly Good

Today's blog contains mild peril, scenes of mild terror and sections that may cause nausea, oh, and some other stuff about things. Please don't eat whilst reading today's entry unless of course you like offal.

Driving around the country over the last three months has felt like a really slow road trip, masses of miles at the weekend with almost a full working week crammed in then its zombieville for Monday and Tuesday whilst we recover. Wednesday and Thursday is trying to cram everything in you would normally spend a week doing then Friday is getting ready for the weekend again. It all sounds like it should be simpler but this far down the line and after well over two hundred appearances you treat it more like a military operation even though the event are immense fun and you get to meet some great people.

So with only three left and the prospect of no Impossimals for a while and no appearances for the foreseeable future planned I'm sat this morning reflecting on the weekend and holding back the urge to lavishly upchuck. Let me explain.

We visited Reading and Chelmsford, both long runs racking up nearly six hundred miles in two days and requiring 4am starts, wearily we got out of bed and stumbled in to the bathroom. Staring back at me was an unshared brute of a man with droopy eyes, it was going to be a long day. 7:01 am found us thundering down the M1 and already it was busy when the Satnav suddenly awoke and alerted us that there would be a 45 minute delay on our route, normally we wouldn't worry too much about this only we were going to Reading, a very busy place especially near Christmas so we knew that if we didn't get to the car park early enough we would spend many a happy time trundling around looking for a space, it also had the added concern that Reading were playing at home so the football traffic would add to the misery if we were too late arriving.

Happily the satnav suggested an alternative route which returned us back to our original arrival time, things were looking good all we had to do was take the next exit, it couldn't be more simple.

Oh my.

As we approached the junction the car in front of us started to behave erratically, we could see they were using a similar satnav so we assumed they had received the same instructions. As we both left the motorway we saw that the slip road ended at a big roundabout and I do mean a big roundabout with six lanes but the satnav had remained tight lipped at what to do about it, logically we needed to go right so I positioned myself roughly central so I could see the road markings. The other car had decided that the best course of action was to stay tucked away on the left until further instructions. We trundled on at speed when ahead we saw what looked like a bin bag sprawled across one of the lanes, Jayne was quicker than I was an spotted that it was an unfortunate animal victim of the traffic and from the looks of it had been there a long time indeed. These things always make me a little unhappy at the best of times so I moved to a different lane to avoid it.

Just then the satnav burst into life, 'take the first exit on the left', left?, left? That can't be right, the satnav display was showing third exit on the right but the voice was insistent otherwise. Whilst my brain wrestled with this unique instruction and came to the conclusion quite quickly that it was talking bollards the other car had obviously received similar information and wavered slightly. Then like a bullet decided that indeed it was incorrect and the best way to correct it was to veer across four lanes into ours.

Well, I braked hard, they accelerated and hit the thing I was trying to avoid. Bugger.

For the sake of decency I will not describe the noise as the long time expired but grim looking carcass we saw earlier from a distance flipped up from their wheels and hit our car with the sound of a trifle hitting a wall, neither will I describe the slippy mess that sprawled down the passenger side as we both started to gag uncontrollably, the smell as it penetrated the air con was indeed memorable for its potency and my eyes started to water. The other car trundled away merrily unaware that it had just flipped up an entire ribcage and contents that had now disgorged itself over our bonnet.

I'm squeamish and like some sick version of the twilight zone we had just entered the automatic windscreen wipers kicked in and made sure that we saw plenty more before I finally pulled in our stomachs heaving.

It was not pleasant, using bottles of water we managed to remove most of it between doubling up, dry retching and many other yoga like positions that avoided us spectacularly adding to the mess.

Right, let's leave that there shall we and move on to the next awfulness.

We arrived in Reading, parked and sat in the car, dutifully we took our carpark picnic photo and started to tuck in to our usual picnic trying to put behind us and think of happy things. The smell still hung in the air a little making it a tad difficult to concentrate. Just as I lifted the first morsel up to my mouth I turned an looked at Jayne.

'Oh my god.'

'What is it?' said Jayne.

'Oh my god, oh my god.'

'What???'

'Look!' I pointed to Jaynes wing mirror.

Dangling away, obviously dislodged when the mirror folded in was some kind of, and it makes me gag even now, some kind of entrail, red and bloated swinging in the wind like some grim decoration.

I gagged. A big hulking gag that hurt my tummy. Why oh why do these things happen to us? I couldn't eat anything with that dangling away in my eyeline, Jayne was even closer to it and I saw her change to a pale shade of green.

There was nothing for it, I needed to get out and remove it. What should I use? All the water had been used earlier, all I had was coffee which I'm sure would add to the smell. Instead I opted for the only hard bit of plastic I had, something I'm sure would act as an adequate scraper, one of my disposable plastic contact lens cases. Ok, it was small but it had a nice hard edge which I knew I needed after removing the rest earlier.

I scraped away. I gagged. I scraped harder, it had really gone in every gap around the mirror. I doubled up and gagged again. The smell was horrid and I'm sure I popped something as I scraped, even worse now it was removed it was an inch from my fingers. I recoiled in horror and dropped the bit of plastic. With a woeful plop the goop landed squarely on my shoe.

I squealed, sorry if you were in the carpark and saw an aging flamboyantly dressed man flailing about like a fairy but really, it was called for.

Now here's the thing, by reflex I kicked out, you know, like you are kicking a football but instead of the slimy gristle flying off my shoe it half released itself and the remaining sticky bit pulled it backwards towards me. I watched and shrieked as it flew in an arc towards my face. Stumbling backwards it missed my nose by inches and I smelt it as it flew by only to watch it land on my other shoe. I have to admit this was a low point, 154 miles from home, in a car park trying to avoid flying offal whilst holding back a torrent of fluid that would only add a whole new dimension to the situation.

Now, new readers of the blog will no doubt assume that all this is made up totally for the purpose of entertainment, I can assure you, it's all entirely true, these things happen to me on an all too regular basis and whilst they make excellent blogging material I would have sooner been blogging about the nice weekend we have just had.

So, gingerly I tried to extract the gloop from my shoe laces, then using the emergency washing fluid water managed to remove the smell and also some of the finish from my shoes. It was then I noticed the wheel arch, it looked like we had hit a zombie.

It's very difficult to explain in a very full car park why we had what looked like raw meat scattered around the car and even harder to explain away the smell so we did what we could to tidy it up and did the next best thing, we walked away. I had visions of returning to the car later to find either a full forensic team gathered around or at the very least an army of cats tucking away.

Walking around Reading we decided the best action was to pop in somewhere and have a bite to eat away from the smell and rancid memories so we decided on a place we had used before. Unfortunately days like this have a habit of carrying on in a similar vein, the establishment was busy, the only tables were upstairs and were seated in a room with possibly the loudest woman in history who insisted on regaling stories of board meetings, gossip about someone called Jocasta and tales of woe regarding a diet of tofu. Just then her phone rang so she could include us in her witty banter regarding a 'bad day' not being able to get ethically sourced toilet rolls whilst she informed her table friends in whispering tones that it was her stupid housekeepers fault.

I guffawed, which made her look my way with a disapproving look. From my own experience of a bad day I realised that I now knew where we should have stuffed the car rim offal and fought the impulse to batter her with the overtly large pepper pot whilst asking her if the best recipe for tofu is to oil it on one side and to lightly toss it in the bin.

Instead she got away lightly and I only pushed her out of the second story window.

Really, a bad day based around ethical toilet roll, I ask you.

The day got much better after that, we spent an exasperating ten minutes explaining what a food dehydrator was in Lakeland plastics, a product they sell many of to an assistant who's only reply was 'so you want a refrigerator?' followed by a blank look that gave us the impression that this type of question didn't come up in the training. 'No young lady, I want to slam your head in a car door but we can't all get what we want can we?' Jayne sensing displeasure pulled me away and in her whispering tones told me basically to remain quiet, composed and above all not to resort to cartoon violence with members of staff not matter how trying they become. We came away instead with six foldable boot boxes which our new antagonist had placed awkwardly in a bag so they just touched and scraped along the floor as you walked no matter how you held them. Indeed, as days go it was not looking good.

So imagine our surprise when we reached the gallery and found this

A lovely fine Christmassy display which magically reversed the downward spiral day and instead gave us a great appearance, even better after a refreshing nights sleep the very next day we went to Chelmer Fine Art for our second great appearance of the week but what happened on our way there is a very different story indeed involving not one, but two hundred Santas, not something you get to say every day...

Tomorrow I have a request for this upcoming weekend, don't worry, it doesn't involve dehydrators, offal, loud people or irritating assistants, it's just that we are visiting a new location and a new gallery for the very first time and maybe you can help us make it a little bit special.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Are You Ready'ing? See What I Did There, lol, rotfl, OMG, oh dear.

If you would like to chat to a 'nut job' and be privy to an assortment of flowery words or alternatively have a piece dedicated for Christmas before they lock him away then come along to this weekends free events.

On Saturday 7th Peter will be at Castle Galleries in Reading between 1-4pm and on Sunday 8th Peter will be at Chelmer Fine Art in Chelmsford between 12-3pm. All welcome for some of the last events before we lock Peter away again in his studio and hopefully this time lose the key.

Should be a great weekend, Peter is now reaching critical flywheel stabiliser gyroscopic levels of madness which as we all well know adds to the excitement.

See you this weekend!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Windypops

Be careful out there today folks, as I'm sat he writing this the studio is rocking violently in these windy conditions.

I really shouldn't have eaten all the brussels yesterday.

So in a special report today we have a guide on how to cope with severe wind at any occasion, it's got pictures too.

BETTER OUT THAN IN

Trapped wind can become a nightmare if left untreated, it can cause bloating and if held in too long will cause a small vortex when released that has the real possibility of turning you inside out. If you do get to this stage never stand near a naked flame upon release. The resulting gas will ignite and witnesses will describe it as 'blowtorch like' before you literally 'pop' in a fiery explosion that will leave the crowds clapping for more.

ON THE BUS

If you feel the need to pass a 'wafer thin mint' in the presence of others after the bouncing of the bus has hastened the moment then you will need to prepare yourself to avoid detection.

First look wistfully out of the window, maybe point at something in the distance and ask your fellow passengers to look too. Once their attention is distracted extend one leg out straight and apply a downward pressure with the others to give your bomb bay doors some clearance. Very quickly fire one out, your elevated position will act as a noise suppression only emitting a slight muffled sound very much like the sound of a silenced gun being shot into a cushion.

Should the be an accompanying stench then pretend you are hot and borrow a newspaper to waft your face, this should help move the smell to the roof where due to its fartogen dioxide it will fall harmlessly into others without suspicion.

IN A QUEUE

The scenario, you are inthe post office queue, it's nearly twenty people long and you start to get the feeling that you are going to split your seams. There's nothing for it, you are going to blow. You have two choices.

1. THE ENTERTAINER

This is probably the most straightforward to achieve, basically you deflect any embarrassment with entertainment. To start bend your knees, then begin the Hopak or Cossack Dance bouncing up and down with arms crossed extending first your left leg whilst balancing on your right still crouched then reverse the step multiple times. Work your crowd up to a frenzy by increasing the pace, occasionally throw in a few 'hop! ' sounds, eventually your gathering crowds will start to join in. This is when you reach your finale, drop into a squat and start to let out your trouser trumpet whilst launching yourself high into the air with arms outspread in a star jump.

The crowds will be startled, you will be relieved and no one will be the wiser on just how close you came to steam pressing your Calvins. Quietly resume your queuing graciously taking any applause. Always use caution, occasionally this maneuver can go quite wrong and you can underestimate your sphincter siren, the resulting mess is never pleasant and quite possibly you will be banned from the post office for ever.

2. THE SNEAK

Part both legs as if you are riding a horse to allow sufficient space for air to move. Bend over slowly, you don't want to force it out early and make to tie your shoe lace. This will force anybody behind in the blast area to move back a little. Now the pop tart manoeuvre which needs to be done in quick succession, twist to the left to point your package away from the queue raise your arm and frump, at exactly the same time as twisting and frumping return to standing upright and close the gap between your legs. Doing this correctly will change any noise emitted taking it from the equivalent of a drum roll to a high pitched kazoo and finally an ear piercing shriek before sliding off the scale much to the annoyance of passing dogs.

If you have done this correctly it should have all been over in less than a second and any noise would have been over so quickly that it will be dismissed as 'hearing things'. One thing to note, if anyone in the queue is wearing an hearing aid they may suffer nose bleeds from the resulting feedback. Any dogs that responded to your whistle can then be removed from the post office by the staff.

GENERAL POOTING

THE CHAPLIN

Carrying shopping bags in both arms puts excess pressure on your middle regions forcing any trapped air to move in a downward motion. It can be awkward to relieve this problem unless you resort to this new method and take on a new walk.

Very simply it involves turning both feet outward and slightly bending your legs. Start to swing both arms gently and carry on walking with a slight waddle. The grinding motion your booty will go through will slowly ease it out, the resultant chaffing will give a pleasing heat and it will come out with a steady flubbawubba sound that will be so low on the scale that will sound like you are groaning under the weight of your bags. Move swiftly though to disturb the air behind you as much as possible, any trubulance you create will help mask any unpleasantness.

THE MAGICIAN

This takes skill and practice, it's done entirely for show and makes an amazing party trick so it's not one to be embarrassed about. Basically you announce to your audience that you have an amazing trick to show them and they need to gather around.

You turn away from them and remove a handkerchief from your pocket, quickly you spin around and open the handkerchief and let it go. The handkerchief looks like it's draped over an invisible ball and it slowly rises into the air before gradually it fades and the handkerchief descend to the floor.

Here's the secret, you need to practice ninjatrombones, the ancient art of releasing undetectable gas in a short killer burst. Once you have mastered this technique then the rest is easy. When you turn away immediately ninjatrombone, swiftly remove your handkerchief and turn around. The ninjatrombone will now be somewhere around chest level, quickly drape the handkerchief in midair to catch it. Be careful at this stage not to burst it as any disturbance will be noticed as members of your audience will pass out.

Take a step back and watch as it glides effortlessly into the air. More impressive feats and a faster rising action can be adjusted by your intake, cabbage will give lift whilst hotdogs will add width.

SURPISES

Sometimes just walking can trigger a 'snart', a successfully suppressed honker that suddenly gets released by a sneeze. Turn this into a comedy trip to avoid detection. Unfortunately a snart can sometimes trigger a grundle rundle leading to a raspberry rattler, both of which require a change of clothes.

Hope these handy tips keep you safe during the windy conditions, be careful out there it's like a mouse on a motorcycle.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals