Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Card Shark

Playing card games have been around since 1857 when the playing card was first invented taking its rectangular shape from the humble wheel (round wheels didn't take off until 1878 because they were considered flamboyant) but what do you really know about playing cards and their origins? Read on to find out more true facts.

1) The first card game created ten years before decks of cards was called snap and involved two players drawing cards from the top of a face down deck and placing them face up on top of each other. If any of the cards matched then 'snap' was shouted and the player who got the first 'snap' in wins the cards. Unfortunately once cards were invented all fifty two cards were made different so games could last for several days without anybody calling snap. It was only several years later that it was suggested that maybe 'snap' should be called when the numbers match and not the whole number and suit.

2) The card called the Ace Of Spades gets it's name from the song of the same name by Motörhead who originally penned this classic after translating an old Gregorgian Monk manuscript from 1324 containing the original lyrics and guitar riffs.

Original lyrics as translated by Lemmy

If thy wilst gamble, I prithy thee I'm thy squire,
Thy win some, lose some, all differences equal to thy,
Thus gigglefax is to tarry, maketh no differences what thy speaketh,
I doth bequeath your greed, thy wanton card I doth seek,
The Ace Of Spades

Anon 1324 - Circecees Gregorgian Monestry, Hull.

3) The follow up song The Number Nine Of Diamonds failed to be as successful for Motörhead and only charted at number 28 in the Peruvian Rain Forest Classic FM charts in 1989

4) Magicians often use cards as part of their magic act, unfortunately magic was heresy in the Middle Ages and anyone wearing a tuxedo or carrying a wand was taken to the local stocks and locked up until they recanted their belief in Ali Bongo, deity of the Magic Circle. Later this punishment was changed to be more severe after the first ever appearance of Paul Daniels. Magicians now have to pretend to live in a glass box for attention.

5) Popular in 1578 the game 'Poker' took off in bawdy taverns throughout the land. Players were dealt cards until they made twenty one or went bust betting on each turn of the card. A tally was made of winners and losers, winners got to keep the steady growing pot of money whilst losers were given heated pokers and left to beat each other, hence the term 'Poker' entered our language. Unfortunately the term poker has changed over the years and now is often heard in clubs and bars up and down the country as in 'I dunno, would you poker?'

6) If you lay out all fifty two cards and count all the symbols on every card adding them all together then devide the answer by four you probably would be better getting a life and only doing it for one suit and times it by four for the same result.

7) The biggest playing cards in the world were Montezumas Mammoths, a deck of cards so large that it helped Columbus to see land twenty five miles out at sea helping him discover Mexico. The cards were used at several special Inca events where it took two hundred slaves just to shuffle the pack and often led to injury.

8) A person who is good at cards is often called a Cardicianallytallywally or a cheat for short and should be disposed of accordingly.

9) Greeting cards are a spin off from our well known deck of cards, collectors of greeting cards can often have 'decks' containing as much as a thousand different cards. Snap is played by matching occasions rather than the numbers on the cards, although greeting card numbers can go up to a hundred. Casinos have been slow to take up this new game along with the equally popular Loolette, a game involving rotating toilets and a football.

10) Place a playing card in the spokes of your bike for a pleasing engine noise.

We hope you enjoyed our true card facts, have a nice day!

Just one thing to add, have you seen the trailer for the new Paddington Bear movie? It's awful, Paddington was a teddy bear not a half bear, man child in drag who can turn nasty and why have a baddie that wants to kill and stuff animals? It's not for me, it's my childhood in tatters. :(

 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Balls

At the beginning of the year we deemed 2014 the year of the Impossimal and both myself and Jayne started working on a massive amount of Impossimal related adventures to increase the interactivity we have with all our Impossimal collectors, many of which we feel we now know as friends, friends that have made this journey so much fun over the years. The blog is only one such tool we use to keep in touch, to help we have now expanded to include Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn and more recently the new World Of Impossimals Facebook page and the World Of Impossimals online collectable store all of which keeps us busy with updates, new content and email queries each day. The internet used to be far, far simpler I'm sure, but if your looking for an Impossimal fix the are plenty of places to look.

We are currently trailing out a new forum system for our website, basically it's like a localised version of Facebook and if it works we should have a nice little area dedicated to Impossimal chat and Impossimal finding. It's early days, fingers crossed we will have it up and running by July.

Anyway, always trying out something new is what we enjoy so over at the World Of Impossimals since the start of the World Cup and whilst England remain in the competition we are adding one unique item to the collectable store that is only available for twenty four hours. All the items added are hard to find; in some cases may be the only one left anywhere or unique in some kind of way. Yesterday was the turn of the very rare 'Happy Shopping' greeting card which managed to last online for five minutes before all three were sold. For thirty minutes we also listed an Impossimal limited edition for, wait for it, 1p to keep everyone on their toes!

Don't forget you can always join us on our page at https://www.facebook.com/Impossimals to view behind the scenes glimpses, unique Impossimal artwork, never seen before sketches and all the latest news with posts every day including the build up to the new Impossimal limited edition launch later this year. Or you could visit www.world-of-Impossimals.co.uk to watch for the latest 24 hour rarepossimal item to appear and browse some of the forgotten items from the Impossimal years. Finally you can locate Impossimal galleries, browse all the Impossimal releases by year, read all the Lost Impossimal stories and find the latest Mission Impossimal Magazine online at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk As usual if you want to see Impossimals out in the wild so to speak a full list of galleries that have Impossimal limited editions can be found right here.

Phew!

Don't forget we need your photos and articles for our next Mission Impossimal magazine so if you have something Impossimal to share be it a cake, photos, event or a story then get in touch at impossimal@gmail.com, we'd love to hear from you.

That's about it for today's blog, If you wonder why I have plugged all our websites and Impossimal stuff today it's all down to one simple thing; to help the vast amount of new collectors that have joined us this year that are still discovering the Impossimals and posts like this help to pull everything together, simple!

I'm sure we will be back to the random silliness tomorrow as I am working on quite a silly piece at the moment called The Big Dipper involving a rather large pot of dipping chocolate...

 

Monday, June 16, 2014

ForeCast

I'm currently reading loads of old 1980's computer magazines after discovering my stash of them under a pile of books in the garage. I didn't realise at the time just how much of a step into the unknown computers were for people as a whole, the computer industry was viewed with excited scepticism coupled with a boom and bust mentality as company after company produced the latest computer only to go to the wall a year later. Between 1981-86 losses were high, Jupiter Cantab, Mattel, Texas, Oric and even Sinclair by 1986 were defunct although by this time computers were becoming common home entertainment systems. Of course there were several notable names that changed the face of computing completely, Microsoft and Apple for example all active around this period and growing in size. Would you believe it Apple was already flinging around lawsuits at this early stage according to the news sections.

Anyway, around Christmas time they always had a review of the coming year and a stab at the future in computing technology. There were many things written that make me chortle today. For example one journalist suggested that the mouse was dead as a computer accessory almost as soon as it appeared, another predicted that by 2000 we would all be downloading our software from the Teletext service and communicating via Prestel, a kind of Internet of its day if it was bought from a pound shop. Some predicted a future where word processors would correct your spelling and grammar, this derived much critism from many readers who refused to believe that computers would ever be able to do this effectively but then the same readers went on to agree that we face a future in which robots played a big role around the house entrusting robots with the complex task of vacuum cleaning.

One magazine set aside ten pages to describe a futuristic computer heaven and for the most got it all entirely wrong apart from one small section that even they said was a little outlandish, a section that described a small tablet shaped computer that we could carry around and use like a piece of paper to record documents and view plug-in films, possibly with a VHS attachment. It was not too far fetched, in 1983 Sinclair Research was already looking to create the first affordable flat screen television and there were rumours that the new CD formats that were just beginning to see the light of day could herald a new storage solution although at this time nobody had any idea how this would work. The small tablet described was also capable of simple communication through a modem and telephone system allowing international communication as long as you could afford the phone bills. It all sounded so far fetched.

Yesterday I stood in the very same Tesco's that I used to purchase the computer magazines from thirty years ago and pondered the small box I had picked up. It was this...

I pulled out my small tablet which we now know as a smart phone and thought back to the article I had recently read, not bad I thought, they did come pretty close. I used its inbuilt communication system to surf the world via the internet to gather information from the international community so to speak to confirm that indeed I was looking at another leap in technology that would make me chortle with delight. A Chromecast.

Chromecast was released in the USA In 2013, it only really made it across to these shores a few months ago and supplies were initially limited. The Chromcast is a £30 piece of kit that plugs into the HDMI socket of your television that allows you to stream music, video, photos and numerous other compatable services directly to your television from smartphones, tablets or standalone computers via your wifi network. Apple already has a more sophisticated version of this but the beauty of the Google Chromecast is it's initial impulse purchase price and it's projected degree of flexibility. It's simple to use and within five minutes I had it up and running with no problems whatsoever.

Coupled with apps and websites like Netflix and BBC iPlayer it's outstanding, simply press the icon on the screen and the movie or episode you are watching is 'cast' onto your television in 1080p, simple in application and execution. It certainly has revolutionised the little television I do watch, now I can avoid the adverts altogether and edit my own schedule before casting it to television. I can imagine it would be even more useful in multi set households where every television can have its own Chromecast and different media can be cast to different screens in the same house. One app allows you to set up a party wall on your television containing a unique code, this code when entered on another phone or smart tablet allows photos to be cast onto a shared screen. Imagine doing this at a party or an event for example where everyone has the code on their phone so everyone's photos get bundled together to create an ever changing video wall of memories which it automatically converts into a film of the night, how cool is that?

This apparently is just the start, the SDK or developers kit for the Chromecast has just been made widely available so expect more and more apps and websites to start to integrate it into their products in the following months. If you do get chance and you don't have an internet enabled television check it out, for £30 it really is quite remarkable.

 

Friday, June 13, 2014

Oh Mer Gaad!

My worst fears were confirmed this morning as the letterbox rattled at an unusually early time. On the doormat was a newspaper but not any newspaper, it was The Sun. Let me reclassify that, an emotional fuelled rumour pamphlet landed on my doormat entirely unexpected. I of course treated it as I would somebody urinating through my letterbox and grabbed it ready to rip it to shreds and toss it in the bin, for you see me and newspapers don't really see eye to eye.

Then I paused, what was I doing? It's blog fodder! Yay!

I gave up on newspapers in the early nineties as they annoy me somewhat with their content and never returned to them since. Newspapers went the same way as wristwatches which I haven't worn since 2003 and for one year (2009) I also cut out the television, films and cinema. It may seem quite strange to hear that, cutting out large chunks of society sounds a bit strange but it allowed me to appreciate the real things in life without the distractions of modern day society and to this day it allow me to balance out my exposure to such things giving me more time to do and be with the things I love.

Anyway, apparently 22 million 'historic edition' Sun's are being given out free so the odds of you getting one too is unfortunately quite high, sorry.

The front page has a 'this is our England' photo montage, I tried circling everyone I recognised then lost all interest when I realised James Corden and Wayne Rooney was in there. I couldn't find Winston Churchill, Shakespeare or Darwin but I did find Eddie The Eagle Edwards which was some recompense. On the next page they have a survey of who is the greatest living English person. Hmm, who would you choose? the Queen perhaps? Or how about Stephen Hawking? Hmm, all reasonable choices instead we have in the top ten Ant and Dec.

Let that sink in a bit.

Ant and Dec, the greatest living English people, now you understand why I gave up television. A further 21% suggested someone else and 13% could not even name anybody so answered 'don't know'. Yay, go Great Britain!

Moaning and getting drunk was in the list of top English characteristics and for top English inventions we have a list that includes The World Wide Web (Err, not exactly sure we did ALL that on our own) and rubber bands which are English but not exactly earth shatteringly great, more convenient I think but at least they managed to completely miss the Industrial revolution and a few other thousand inventions key to everyday life.

Some of the fab things suggested I don't want to do include wear a silly costume and attend a darts event, pretend to call on Mr Darcy at Chatsworth house (!? And just how does one pretend to do that?), enjoy a night in Newcastle, watch a game of football at West Bromwich Albions ground and take a 'Walk Of Faith' at Blackpool tower. Not to be confused with the walk of faith you take just by visiting Blackpool.

Here's some other top quotes from this historical edition that caught my eye.

'We invented almost everything that matters'

'No one else on the planet comes close to our genius'

'The spirit of Psycho'

And the absolute vomit inducing 'Hope springs eternal in the human breast, especially one encased in an England shirt'

So you see this is why I don't do newspapers, I just can't help myself commenting on everything in them which I suppose is the reason they are so popular. Enjoy your free glimpse into the Sun, just don't stare for too long it damages the eyes.

Oh yes, nearly forgot, they still go on about '66 as well as Maradona's hand of god for flips sake.

Just don't mention the war.

Oops! Page 15!

 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Memories

Bit of a strange blog entry today triggered by a sort out of photos from the last nine years as I rediscover some extraordinary moments as I build up the World Of Impossimals board on Pinterest. I'm trying to get together all the photos from ourselves and collectors that have made it such a memorable time and share them with you and maybe even add some of your photos. So if you have any photos you would like me to include on the new Pinterest board just let me know, it can be of you with an Impossimal picture, something you have made or just some random Impossimal related item.

To get you started here are a few random photos and things from over the years starting with the above photo, a shot taken at my publishers in 2010 as I let them see the latest batch of Impossimals for the first time.

Around the same time we did the Great Impossimal Giveaway, the idea was to simply send in a photo of you with an Impossimal and the most creative would get a prize.

Instead we had already decided to give prizes to everyone who entered and eventually gave away over £5000 in prizes after receiving some marvellous entries.

One night this photograph popped into our in box from a collector. It's a hand carved wooden Impossimal chess set specially created for their love of Impossimals. It really is a work of art and each piece is highly detailed.

The Elephant Parade was a big turning point for the Impossimals, an estimated 56 million people saw the event when over two hundred life sized baby elephants invaded London for a summer event I will never forget involving so many fabulous people and places and finally cumulating with a television and photo session at the National History Museum.

In 2014 we returned for the third year running to help judge the UK's Children Fine Art Exhibition, a superb free entry event run in conjunction with the International Children's Fine Art Exhibition. It's such an important event being the only nationally run competition encouraging children and art so it's no surprise that the judge lineup includes some of the top artists working today.

Further memories came flooding back as we discovered the photos from our many school visits over the years.

It's always great to see how young minds tackle the Impossimals and in some cases you get nothing but pure Impossimal innocence and some fabulous paintings.

Plus as a bonus I get to sit on small chairs in the dining room and have proper school dinners, gravy, custard, the lot!

Other random events take us out of our comfort zone and into uncharted territories as we found out bumping into this top chef unexpectedly at one summer event.

Globally the Impossimals have been steadily moving around the continents, in 2008 they were featured in the Hong Kong Marie Claire which was first bought to our attention when the hits on our website from Hong Kong suddenly spiked over a weekend.

Inside was a little feature called Heart With Art and we were sent photos of the exhibition to use on our website.

We had already seen Impossimals reach the USA and several galleries in key locations and the Impossimals continue to find new collectors far and wide.

Of course all of this wouldn't have been possible without the support of all the galleries and collectors we have met along the way and it's reflective blog entries like this that make you realise how incredibly fortunate we have been.

If you want to become part of the Impossimal family send in your Impossimal photos to impossimal@gmail.com It can be something you have created, wedding cakes, tattoos - absolutely anything and we will stick it on our new Pinterest board and occasionally feature them on our World Of Impossimals Facebook page.

 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Talking Ballcocks

Part seven of our gentle series of scientific discussions continues with 'Talking Ballcocks', this week Reginald and Harold discuss the wind giving properties of pickle based items.

The scene opens with a gentle river flowing through idyllic countryside, our two gentlemen drift aimlessly in a small wooden boat. We join them admist a conversation that had been going on for some time.

'...and with that it blew out the upper floor windows and singed her eyelashes!'

'Good god Reginald that would make a stuffed bird laugh, all that from a pickled onion you say?'

'Indeed, she started off nanty narking and before I knew it she'd popped one in, mad as hops I say. She never really recovered and her eyes never did uncross.'

'My, what a tale, and these are the pickled onions are they?'

'I'd handle them very carefully Harold, they are pickled in Dr Canes Ptang Yang Kipperbang Pickling Peculiar, a very potent brew heavy with sulphur. The label tells you to have one onion a day divided into four equal portions to be taken at rise, midday, afternoon tea and supper to keep you regular. It's very strict about the dosage and you can see why Mrs Dangle took it so badly, she did choose a particularly large one though. Pity, it still looks like she's ridden a horse.'

'What's in the other jar? It looks like a jar full of eyes.'

'Ahh, this Harold is what I wanted to show you. It's a delicacy eaten by the lower classes but I'll warn you now, the smell is odious to say the least. They call it pickled eggs, lord knows how they stomach such stuff, personally I find it offensive to my sauce-box. I bought it from a ruffian in a drinking establishment who had had this jar handed down to him as an heirloom, apparently it's quite common for the pickled eggs to go from generation to generation only being eaten on New Years Eve to help with the celebrations for they create the most fearsome erutications of intestinal gas on earth, the Barking Mumper or Pant Ripper as it's more commonly known. It causes great merriment amongst the common, it's also blamed for the explosions in coal mines so there is a ban on taking them down there in your lunch. Indeed they have special canaries trained to sniff them out.'

'And you want me to try one?'

'Yes, I can't bare the thought of it myself but in the interests of science one of us must try it. I know you are a fellow to try anything once after your last experience with that funnel and castor oil. By the way has the leaking stopped yet?'

'Only just as long as I clench.'

'Here, smell them now the lids off.'

'My god, that could drop a horse! I hope they taste better than they smell, it reminds me of the time I stood too close to that elephants behind and it took my hat off and parted my hair.'

'Here, I have pulled one out for you, pop it in like a good fellow and let's see what happens.'

'Nom, nom, doesn't taste, nom, too, nom, bad. Egg you say? It tastes a little rubbery but not bad at all.'

'Anything?'

'No'

'Anything now?'

'No, hang on, I can feel something'

'And?'

'Pooot!'

'Was that it? A poot? It's supposed to be an absolute Krakatoa of a chuff and all we get is a mouse trumpet! The cad has sold me a dud, I shall return and challenge him to the fisticuffs club.'

'Here, try another.'

'Nom, nom, nom. Mmm, these are quite nice. Here we go! Pooot!'

'Another bally poot! I knew he was a lushington, the drunken mumper.'

'Let me have the jar, I'll finish them off, nom, nom, nom. Hang on, what's this? There's a label on the bottom.'

'Hand it here, let me read it. Hmm, it's badly written but I think I can make it out. It says 'beware of second wind' what on earth could that mean?'

'Oh no. OH NO!'

'What is it Harold? Do you know what it means?'

'Know what it means! It means that the real action starts on the second Poot, I have done two eggs and two poots, I have a double whammy coming!'

'Quad whammy Harold, you have eaten two more!'

'Pooot! Pooot! Bugger!'

The resulting explosion could be heard ten miles away, Harold's legs were found in York and his hat in London. Reginald was left completely hairless with a permanent look of surprise and was found clutching a piece of fabric from Harold's jacket sat bolt upright in half a boat that had landed in Cambridge. Such was the power of the blast that pickled onions from the other jar were found embedded in tree trunks around the area. A smell of rotting cabbage hung in the air across the centre of the country for much of the week, sunsets had taken on a strange hue that drew many a comment and moves were taken by parliament to ban further egg based heirlooms, a practice that continues to this day.

Next episode Reginald finds a replacement for Harold, experiments with hallucinating drugs and meets a talking dog called Colin who writes poetry.

 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Free Gift For Every Reader!

As a loyal reader you are entitled to today's free gift of an Impossimal Secret Cupcake Cave Diorama With Rocking Impossimal (N.B. Some assembly required)

You will need a printout of this...

...and a pair of scissors (ask an adult first), some spray glue or Pritt Stick equivalent and a sturdy piece of card that an adult has allowed you to cut up.

Step One

Print out the free image on an A4 page and glue it to the sturdy card being careful not to glue fingers, pets or relatives in the process.

Step Two

Carefully cut around the shapes as shown above making sure you create a little curve at the Impossimals feet. Don't worry about being too accurate at this stage as the final result will be disappointing no matter how accurate you cut.

Step Three

Take the Secret Cupcake Cave and bend it as shown above using a ruler to create a 3D wow. It looks so real you could almost step in there yourself.

Step Five

Next take your Impossimal and cut out a small curve from a spare bit of card, if you have thrown it in the bin go fish it out again until I say you have finished with it. Got it? Good. This curve will be your Impossimal rocker allowing it to simulate a walking Impossimal.

Step Whatever

Attach to the back as shown, add a strengthening piece if it remains floppy.

Step Pointless

From the side it should look like this, the rocker is in place. Gently poke your upright Impossimal to see it come alive and move convincingly.

Step Voila

Clear your desk at work and assemble your free items, voila, an impressive 3D moving Impossimal diorama. Make additional ones for friends and colleagues, create several to give away as gifts at Christmas.

Have a great day from all of us at the World Of Impossimals, don't forget to let us see your creations you never know there may be a prize for the most imaginative.

Have fun!

 

Monday, June 09, 2014

TRAVEL-TRON

Yay! The first batch of Impossimals are complete so I can return to writing the silly blog entries on a daily basis. Let's kick it off with something useful...

I am Travel-Tron, your handy app to help you on your world travels in our International multicultural world. I detect that you are in England and I have adjusted my common phrases to help you. Please find my helpful suggestions to situations you may find in the countries you will visit.

Spain

'Vine aquí para una cerveza y una pelea y me he quedado sin cervezas'

I came here for a beer and a fight and I'm all out of beers.

'Disculpe señor, hay un toro en mi habitación con un sombrero de pequeña'

Excuse me sir, there is a bull in my room wearing a small hat.

'La última cosa que recuerdo es cantar como Doris Day y correr desnudo por el vestíbulo, ¿podría decirme cómo llegar al baño más cercano como me temo que puedo lanzar'

The last thing I remember is singing like Doris Day and running naked through the foyer, could you please direct me to the nearest toilet as I fear I may hurl

I detect you are about to embark to Brazil for the World Cup, here are some useful Portuguese phrases, it may be useful to copy them out on small cards to hold up as you will have difficulty saying them with your northern accent.

Brazil

Me gustaría informar que he perdido mi peine durante los disparos, gritos y sirenas afuera de mi puerta anoche antes de ser degradado por varios hombres enmascarados que me ataban a la cama y saquearon mi equipaje. He tenido ese hombre peine y el niño, si alguien se lo da en por favor me informen inmediatamente.

I would like to report I have lost my comb during the gunfire, screams and sirens outside my door last night before it was broken down by several masked men who tied me to the bed and ransacked my luggage. I have had that comb man and boy, if anybody hands it in please inform me immediately.

¿Sabes Copacabana de Barry Manilow, oigo su una melodía pegadiza.

Do you know Copacabana by Barry Manilow, I hear its a catchy tune.

Haga el favor de liberar mis bolas, que escuece.

Will you please release my balls, it smarts.

Usted es un hombre!

You are a man!

According to your Facebook posts we have automatically linked to this app we see you are about to go to Skegness, here's some traditional translations for you to try on the locals.

Skegness

Alrate yoof, note rammel in skeggy

Are you alright young man? There's nothing rubbish in Skegness.

Avin a piddle up jitty

Relieving oneself in a small alleyway

Other words you may find useful

Snap - food, lunch, Blubber - to cry or weep, Mash - to brew as in 'mash a cup of tea'. Not to be tried south of Birmingham as you will end up with a mug full of potato.

Usefull terms to remember when visiting Willy Wonka's factory.

A Tummyscrummy

A delightful piece of confection that makes your stomach sing

The Wangfoodle Room

A place where Foodle is created by several Wangs who knit Foodle from candy floss and liquorice laces.

Tastetinglingtonguetiedstrawberrychocbomb

Wonka's latest invention the Tastetinglingtonguetiedstrawberrychocbomb, a sugar coated almond sized sweet that tastes of strawberry which then melts away to an ice cream coating still frozen before the heat of your tongue activates the chocolate center which then explodes coating the inside of your mouth with some of the most fantastic chocolate you have ever tasted.

Thankyou for using Travel-Tron, further country translation packs are available at 0.69p each. Just added Sweary Mary for four letter fun in any language, buy two and get Slur Translator absolutely free, decipher any language no matter how drunk they are.

 

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

What Fun

Although this year is all about the Impossimals I do set aside a little time to start outlining several new Lost Impossimal pieces one of which is a pitched battle across Londons skyline. It's a piece that has been rattling about in my head for sometime, not content with the challenges set with the Whatabanker and Big Ben I have decided to go a little further with a piece involving Tower Bridge. I doubt even my paltry model making skills are quite up to the challenge so I did the next best thing to be a head start and purchased a clip together model which will be destroyed in the process of creating the scene.

The whole thing will hinge on a nine foot set, lit from three areas to give a sense of moodiness. I'll also use a smoke machine to add a murky feel and extra backdrop props from the time period for realism. The main scene will be two Lost Impossimals, one will be the Whatabanker and the second, well, for that you will have to wait and see, suffice to say it will be an equal match. The idea is the painting will set the scene for the rest of the images, from the naive and delightful Lost Impossimals that hold the key to our childhood to action packed adventures with the Sherlock Sidewinder and Moriarty meeting head to head in a hackney carriage gunfight in gas lit streets.

It's getting quite exciting designing all the things I will need to put them together and gives me something else to think about as I paint the Impossimals although the list of props has already exceeded the size of the studio.

Talking of traditional Impossimals the first batch of Impossimals is ready to go, just a few finishing touches and they will be sent to the publisher and will go towards some new images to be released in September. The images sent to he galleries will include originals, oils sketches and quite possibly some of the maquettes we have created this year for the collection. From July onwards I paint the second batch of Impossimals ready for Spring 2015 and then in late 2014 I start work on the Lost Impossimals taken from the ideas I'm working on now for 2015/16 whilst painting normal Impossimals in 2014.

Confusing? You betcha!

But damn good fun.

 

Monday, June 02, 2014

Comp-U-M8

Let us find your ideal partner, simply answer our specially designed questions honestly and we will find you your hottest match around for everlasting love you long time only from Comp-U-M8.

1. I am looking for...

A) Animal
B) Vegetable
C) Mineral
D) Human

2. Build?

A) Svelt
B) Huge
C) Two up, two down
D) Insanely well proportioned with room on top for a bunk bed

3. Age range

A) 18yrs and a goer
B) 30yrs and a knower
C) 40yrs and a rover
D) 60yrs and a Noah

4. Must be...

A) Good with dogs, kids and chinchillas
B) Loaded
C) Drunk
D) Have own car and willing to travel as far as Cricklewood

5. Hobbies?

A) Art and other useless skills
B) Curling up in a ball and mewling at the world
C) Drinking
D) Pasta making in the rain

6. I do not want...

A) Anybody who cuts their toenails on the bus
B) Keith Chegwin
C) People with an 'A' in their name
D) David Dickensons stunt double

7. I'm willing to every night, are you willing to...

A) Give me the television controller every night
B) Cook my meal every night
C) Sing 'Sally Was A Sausage, A Silly Sausage' to me every night
D) Go to sleep every night

8. What is the way to a perfect relationship?

A) Never go to sleep before resolving any arguments about luncheon meat
B) Never go naked bowling without sun screen
C) Drink heavily
D) Listen to each other and make allowances for each other's differences using a wall chart to mark each annoying episode you share together.

9. I describe myself as...

A) Sexy, foxy, romantic flubbawubba with bingo wings and side saddles
B) Moobtastic with a tendency to break wind to Michael Jackson records
C) Coming from a large family of moo cows with excellent teets and crazy teeth
D) A French fancy tart who likes a bit of bourbon and custard creams

10) Hair colour?

A) Monkey but not chimpanzee or howler
B) Tortoise with areas closer to snail
C) Blonde from a bottle to cover up the grey
D) Green spikes with pink trim

Your ideal partner is...

Mostly A's - Miserable Martha

An absolute catch Martha is our longest serving member and has yet to find true love. This may be your lucky day as Martha is also known for her unique ability to always win 'Dutch Ovens' a shared pastime the whole family can play.

Mostly B's - Rambo Stallone

Get your rocks off with this hunk who will be gunning for you. Comes with own weaponry and the ability to slur speech and decimate anything that gets in their way. Wig extra, muscles may or may not be pressed.

Mostly C's - Super Stunner Mystical Mary

Classy chick with dainty dimples willing to fulfil every fantasy as long as you are as attractive. Only applies if you are not plump, old, poor and you are vastly rich. Has tattoo of rose bed on bottom for decoration, accent slightly worrying.

Mostly D's - Billy Joe Bob Cleetus

Half man, half hunk, half thug, this man also has a big chopper (pictured) and an obsession with the eighth of March. You don't choose him, he chooses you...forever. You have scored big time and Billy and his chopper will be the last thing / person you will ever see.

Thankyou for using Comp-U-M8 we hope you had a pleasant experience, please call again, have a nice day.

 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Mystery Man

Around twenty five years ago I stumbled across an old paperback in a secondhand bookshop that drew my attention with its outlandish content of unsolved mysteries. I always love a good story and after flicking through its pages and noticing it was first printed the year I was born out came my 15p and I bought it.

It's still a book I occasionally get out to re-read even though it's tape battered edges have seen better days. The stories are still worth reading, who wouldn't want to read a book that has the opening lines to its first story SYMPHONIES OF DEATH presented like this...

"If you harbour a deadly grudge and seek revenge there is a way to obtain it which will baffle the most astute criminologist" a musician once told me. "send your intended victim a recording of Pathetique from Tschaikovsky's Sixth Symphony. If he dosen't die soon after listening to it, someone close to him will...

The story goes on to list instances where symphonies have caused death time and time again right up until a point where several have been banned from ever being played again. Other intriguing story's include Sultan Mkwawa's Missing Skull, a skull that holds the key to restoring peace in Africa, The Human Cork charting the exploits of Angelo Faticoni and unsinkable person who once swam from Manhattan to Hoboken whilst tied in a chair. My favourite though is The Water-into-Gasoline Mystery a story about John Andrews who's home brew experiments enabled him to turn water drawn from any source including sea water into working gasoline.

It still fascinates me to this day so I decided to do a bit of research online to see what I could find that would further expand on the story. Well, not much really but everything I did find didn't tally with each other. For a start dates changed, the way Johns invention had been discovered by the authorities; some said by accident, others by Johns approach to the government and others by John visiting England with a view to selling his invention. Even more curious is the end of the story, from returning a penniless hermit to mysterious disappearances and even murder. Either way all the story's seem to confirm that John Andrews existed as per the Navy records at the time in America and that they conducted water to gasoline tests with him which eventually abruptly stopped after a short period of time.

Now with so many discrepancies I thought I was researching some kind of hoax but instead after reading everything I could find I think I actually found out some explanation for the story.

It seems that John Andrews in 1916 stumbled on a reaction he quite genuinely thought he had created gasoline, he never made much of a fuss but prefered to test it out in customers cars at his gas station which eventually dre the attention of the military, primarily the Navy. When the Navy got involved and watched an engine start using seawater after John had added the contents of his bag to the water they investigated further they also thought he had done the impossible. A few months later the experiments were quietly abandoned, it was only after a period of time later that all the rumours sprung up that he had been abducted, murdered, made pennyless to finish off the story but I think it was rather more mundane than all that exciting stuff.

There is something you can add to water to give it the illusion of gasoline and that's Clacium Carbide. It reacts with water to produce acetylene gas and calcium hydroxide, the resultant C2H2 is combustible. The only problem is that Ca(OH)2 is corrosive so any usefulness is restricted as it would damage any engine in a short period of time.

So John added a known ingredient to the water giving a short lived fuel, when the authorities found out they simply lost interest as damaged engines is not what they were looking for. Simple, I assume the extra bits tagged on were to enhance the story, either way it's still and intriguing one to me and remains my favourite in the book.

Oh, that and the Secret Of The Bourbon Street Harem, oh, and Odyssey Of Hubert The Hippo and maybe The Riddle Of Marshal Michelle Ney it looks like I have a few more stories to catch up on. I wonder what I will find online forty seven years later, more mysteries perhaps?

 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Sam 'BLING BLING' Spangles


SAM 'BLING BLING' SPANGLES POPTASTIC GROOVY REVIEWS AND BARBECUE FOODS

It's been a record breaking week in the record industry with not one but ten brand new releases ready to storm our charts. Get downloading folks you ain't never had it so groovy. We bring you the best and baddest reviews around, I'm so down with the kids it's sick! Schizzle my rizzle you razzers, ain't that right Scooby?

Rhur is Raggy, Rikes!

1. Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby

Nightmare bubbling from a large pink foam turd with legs to a rhythm that only the dance impaired could groove to. Bonus effect is that it also makes you want to set fire to Noel's beard.

82% Dancefloor anthem for 2014 mark my words!

2. Pitbull - Worldwide Stud Muffin

Taking lyrics from his worldwide hits, Mr self styled worldwide goes for worldwide dominance with his latest worldwide tune Worldwide Stud Muffin that's bound to be popular worldwide.

With such stunning linguistic skills such as this from worldwide hit 'Wild Wild Love'

I don't know if I can handle all five
But baby we can try tonight, dale

In which he tries to organise some kind of sleepover with friends to the more subtle lines from his other worldwide hit 'International Love'

In Romania she pulled me to the side and told me, "Pit, you can have me and my sister."

In which he accepts an offer from two young ladies for a sleepover, then of course there is the worldwide masterpiece that is 'Rain Over Me' in which he seems to be confused between Mr Worldwide, somebody named Marc and Kemo Sabe, the lone rangers sidekick.


Mr. Worldwide, Marc Anthony, tú sabe
I was playing with her, she was playing with me
Next thing you know, we were playing with three

Still, he manages to organise some kind of entertainment with three players, all I can think of is the card game Gin Rummy but I might be wrong. Pure rap genius, I can't wait to listen to Worldwide Stud Muffin as I am sure it will contain many meaningful lyrics to hum along to.

90% Mr Worldwide does it again with his slightly naive look on life and innocent lyrics.

3. Cliff Richard - Anything
No really, anything by Cliff should carry a warning that you might feel like ripping your ears off with an additional warning on the cover of Millennium Prayer that listeners may experience nausea and chest pains.

-272636% Cliff cloff claff. Say no more.

4. Mile Eee Cyruss - Wretching Ball
If you are into lizard tongue scantily dressed ladies twerking and swinging on large balls then visit www.lizardtonguescantilydressedladiestwerkingandswingingonlargeballs.com, if you are not then watch this video of Mile Eeeeeeeeeee's latest release a heart warming rendition of regret bashed out through a pristine set of white gnashers set in a demolition yard and you will find out just why it's called Wretching Ball. Guaranteed to make you gip and gag.

100% bonafide ball breaking hit! Watch out for Mile Eeeeeeee as it won't be long before she has a pet monkey, wears gloves and crash and burns.

4. St. Winifred's School Choir - There's No One Quite Like Grandma
If you are looking for a tune to start a house party or illegal rave and you love bangin' lyrics then this is one chart topper that will set your pulse racing. From the first opening verse when they drop the bass to the last tinkle of the piano it's music at it finest.

There's no one quite like Grandma
She always has a smile
She never hurries us along
Just stays a little while

It builds up to an astonishing crescendo before exploding with its final power chorus where the entire backing choir joins in to blow the audience away. The video is even more amazing set in a school assembly hall, obviously the influence that Britney Spears used for her average video 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'.

100000% THE BEST SONG EVER!

Top Ten Barbeque Foods

1. Burgers
2. Sausages
3. Bacon
4. Chicken
5. Cadburys Creme Eggs
6. Fish
7. Fiat Uno
8. Chopsticks
9. Queen Mothers Teeth
10. Spam

This is Sam Spangles signing off, keep Krunking kids!