Duh Ya Tek Papal Mi'Duck?

Some days the blog just writes itself. The other day I had an email from Paypal asking if I was interested in Paypal Here, a sort of mobile chip and pin machine that works with your phone. We already have a chip and pin machine but clicked on the link anyway to see how it works because I'm a bit nosey when it comes to technology and gadgets even though I'm approaching an old fart age. So I clicked on the video to see it in action so to speak.

Wow, a veritable metropolis, perfectly flat, clean, green patches carefully preserved in a garden like city, I wonder where this could be? The music swells, it sounds like something out of Dallas with oil barons and the like strutting around with their padded shoulder power dressing girlfriends and wives.

It looks even better at night, what a wonderous city teaming with adventure, restaurants, theatres and nightlife like no other. Take in a bit of ballet, go to a comedy club or even see a show the choice is yours. Let's zoom in a little shall we and take a look at utopia...

Oh, it's Mansfield. No really, Paypal had anywhere in the world to use that represented a teaming metropolis and they choose Mansfield. As metropolis's go it's not very metropolis, even Superman would feel a little disappointed although he would have plenty to do. Obviously I'm flattered they did choose Mansfield, I have very fond memories of Mansfield in its hayday and after all Mansfield needs things like this to help bring it back to life but secretly I was feeling a little duped by the build up. It's a bit like using footage from Bali to advertise Skegness.

Hey ho, let's see what adventures unfold. Hmm, a purchase from a bread stall from a charming lady who turns around and gets in a taxi. Hang on, that's not right, Taxis aren't allowed where that taxi is, that's just down from the pea and cockle stand, anyway how come she gets a taxi so easily? If it was a Friday or Saturday night she'd better have her mouth and fists in gear! I wonder where she is going on our one way system?

Hmm, not sure where this is, there's not many three lane roads in Mansfield and nobody has shouted abuse at her yet, not very realistic is it? Don't recognise the lamposts either, how sad is that?

Oh, you have actually drove about a fifty feet. In a circle. Maybe she fancied a ride now that the old kiddies roundabout in the marketplace no longer stands on a Saturday. I wouldn't sit down there love it looks a bit greasy, trust me I have sat down on a greasy curved seat and it's not pleasant, I bet there's a few chips around the base of it to warn you. No dialogue, just smiling, like I said totally unrealistic, not an 'eh up mi'duck' in sight.

That's a bit posh isn't it? They have even got those outside standy uppy tables so you can sip your frappacappachappinomochachocalatte whilst raising your little finger pretentiously. Unfortunately I cannot recall where this location is and I have plenty of experience in dodgy park places let me tell you. Ahem, I shouldn't have said that it can be misconstrued, let's pretend you never read it eh? Nope, not a clue, it all looks posh, if you have spotted this coffee stand in Mansfield let me know, it should be declared a local point of interest and placed on tourist maps or something.

Now many of you will be thinking what a dick bashing Mansfield like that, on the contrary I love Mansfield. Yes it has it's faults, everywhere has it's faults if you stay long enough but Mansfield is where I live, where I grew up and where I work. Mansfield is ideal to access the national road network in any direction, has within easy reach Sherwood Forest, Chatsworth House, Hardwick Hall, Rufford Country Park, Newstead Abbey, the Derbyshire peaks, the National tram museum, has it's own fine art collage in a grand building which unfortunately is relocating with much sadness and has a few fine parks scattered through the town including Carr Bank, a park classed as one of the finest urban parks in the UK and of course it's not Skegness, the list could go on. Sorry for Alvin Stardust though, yep he's Mansfield too and a piddling little artist that writes blogs whilst farting around creating Impossimalarky or something. His name eludes me, Peter stupid or something.

So Mansfield gets another notch in it's bulging waistline belt, not content with getting Ronald Regan to advertise Mansfield Bitter (that's a alcoholic drink, not a statement) in the 80's, getting a few gold medals courtesy of swimming sensation Rebecca Adlington, having a world class Cantamus Choir and giving the world Alvin Stardust, deeply sorry about that, I really can't apologise enough, we now attract multinational companies such as Paypal and Greggs. Mansfield, gateway to the world, whatever next? Before you know it we will have colour television and telephones, amazing!

And that is why I love Mansfield, I get the thrill of going back to the future every time I travel anywhere else.

Just don't mention Alvin Stardust to me, I get easily confused between him and Alvin the chipmunk, some of the leather clad, glove wearing chipmunk dreams have haunted me for years.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Too Gruel For School

The curtains were drawn on a lovely sunny afternoon, hushed expectant crowds gathered around the dance floor occasionally giggling and whispering swigging on bottles of fizzy pop as the flashing lights suddenly burst into action. The first opening bars of 'True' by Spandau Ballet blasts out of the six foot high light festooned speakers from 'Dave The Rave' and his mobile disco, for it is said that during the eighties all mobile disco DJ's must be called Dave and slowly the school hall starts to see movement as pupils push each other out onto the dance floor, giggling and pulling their friends.

Dave tries to inject a bit of enthusiasm by occasionally shouting out something inaudiable and ramps it up by playing Abba. Girls flock to Dave, a forty year old divorcee who invested the small amount of income he still has in a twenty foot metal disco rig with flashing lights, two mega speakers and ten cases full of singles in a last attempt to woo. Dave bathes in all the attention and conjures up images of his rock star lifestyle on the road with his passion wagon as he calls his white transit van. Girls swoon and Dave raves on with a bit of Queen ignoring the boys attempts to get him to play the Clash or Sex Pistols.

It's not long before everyone is sitting on the floor doing 'Rock The Boat' and feeling that buried terror that is the slow dance creep up on you. There it is, Dave has played your worst nightmare as 10cc's I'm Not In Love kickstarts the obligatory slow dance and you stand petrified, petrified that you won't be picked and absolutely mortified and petrified if somebody does approach you. If you did manage to shuffle to the dancefloor with somebody for the slow dance you then awkwardly shuffled around looking at hysterical friends pulling rude gestures until the music ends and you part quicker than a cork from a bottle.

School Disco's, a staple of school life often dreaded by pupils and teachers alike so why, oh why have we ended up with school proms?

School disco's were naff beyond belief but they at least gave us a few cheesy memories with little expectations, today proms are more than a disco they are a chance to live out your own celebrity music video fantasy complete with expensive cars, bling, make up, dresses, suits, indeed everything you would love to have when you make it big as a celebrity. And the expense! All of this costs money which I'm sure puts pressure on families budgets. Invariably Proms work the wrong way round, they raise expectations of the real world and you get one day at the end of school life that invariably you will not live up to as soon as you leave school and the harsh reality of earning a living kicks in.

Oh hum, that's Mr Getting Old kicking in no doubt, next I'll be advocating caning, gruel for meals and a return to slate boards and standing in a corner for punishment. The change of schools discos are only indicative of the whole school system though with a move to keep pupils entertained. Gone are the days of dusty classrooms on a warm afternoon ploughing through a Shakespeare play or harsh cross country punishment in PE during the winter months but I still have a nagging feeling that maybe we could do with a return to some of the old methods, after all I turned out fine even though I see imaginary creatures, write obscure drivel on a daily basis, paint upside down and have the ability to make up new words like Bobbledongle and Flampant.

School discos did alter my expectations though. For example if I hear Dancing In The Moonlight I expect to be physically sick and I expect to come out in a rash during 10cc's I'm Not In Love. The only bonus was that I got to learn dad dancing from the teachers.

Great expectations during my childhood?

Yes, if it's a school disco expect it to be crap.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Little Or Large?

(Theme tune)

Is it little, is it large,
We don't know so let us ask,
Little or large is such a blast,
Asking comics from the past.

It's the Little Or Large Show!

(Applause and cue laughter)

Is it little or is it large? Our first guests are celebrity legendary comedians Eddie Large and Syd Little who haven't spoken to each other in years. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable and without further ado here's our first conundrum.

Elephants, are they little or large?

Eddie : They make Syd look like a borrower!

Syd : I'd say they are large based solely on the fact that they are the same size as Eddie.

Result : Large

 

Matchsticks, little or large?

Eddie : Where's Syd, ah there you are, hiding behind the matchstick again? Hahaha.

Syd : If I had a matchstick for everytime you have told a thin or skinny joke about me I'd own Swan Vesta. They are little, unlike big mouth over there.

Eddie : Well, dagnabbit if it ain't a talking stick that looks like a Thunderbird character.

Syd : Eddie, Deputy Dawg impressions went out in the 70's along with Frank Spencer, Mike Yarwood and that hair perm.

Eddie : Why you little £@!?

Syd : Why you large @£?!@&£?!

Unfortunately we will have to cut it there as we escort our special guests out of the studio, who's next?

We are up for a treat folks with legendary little and large comedians The Krankies, give them a warm welcome please as they come on stage avoiding the fighting double act.

(Applause)

Wee Jimmy Krankie : I told you that beanstalk wasn't safe, just go up you said, it'll be fun you said.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : I didn't know it was unsafe until I shook it.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : Well @&£?! Fan-Dabi-Dozi! That the first time you told me you shook it, it's no wonder I fell off you @")£&!, I only managed to get out Fan-Dabi before I hit the ground. It knocked my Crackerjack badge clean off.

Jimmys Dad, Ian : Oh, did I not tell you that before? Bugger.

Wee Jimmy Krankie : That's the last time I'm dressing up like a schoolboy for you again!

Ahem, I think we should leave it there. Quick! security get them out of the building. Sorry about that folks, let's have our final guest for tonight, it's no other than...

(Applause)

...comedy legends Cannon and Ball, rock on Tommy!

Bobby Ball : That's my line!

I'm sorry, welcome to the show.

Bobby Ball : Tommy, he's just stolen my line, I'm going to piggin hit him Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : Calm down Bobby, he didn't mean it.

Bobby Ball : You little liar! He piggin meant it, hold me back Tommy!

Tommy Cannon : It's alright, let's just get on with the show.

Bobby Ball : That'll do for me cocker, I'm still watching him though. I'm dead excited!

Unfortunately folks we have run out of time, see you again next week at the same time for more Little or Large!

Bobby Ball : Deep piggin down, you really hate me don't yer!

No!

Bobby Ball : You piggin liar, I'm going to have him Tommy, hold me back, hold me back. Gerroff Tommy you've got me skin!

(Applause)

(Curtains down)

(Roll Credits)

Todays blog has been desperately bought to you by Crap Blog Entries Ltd purveyors of crap blogs since 1763

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Flickety Flick Flick

Remember the television series 'One Foot In The Grave' with the ever suffering Victor Meldrew? I remember it primarily because my life seems to revolve around Victor Meldrew moments, moments that you wonder if they have been scripted or arranged for maximum surrealness by unknown hands. Take Monday for instance where I found myself and Jayne sat in a small room waiting for a nurse. It's a long story so I won't bore you with the details let's just say things started to go a little strange very quickly...

We had only been sat in the room for about two minutes when we heard a shuffling in the corridor outside and in stepped a gentleman in bedroom attire, obviously a patient.

I think I had better warn you at this stage that I have replaced certain words that may offend, use your imagination to translate flick, flickers, blasted, runt, hiss, hollyhocks and anchors as you see fit for you see our new companion was a master of the potty mouth, a veritable black belt in oral filth, forget Chubby Brown even he couldn't make every second word this bad.

'I'm flicking sick of these runts, flicking me around while he flicks around, hissing about the anchors!'

And that dear blog reader was his first greeting to two strangers he had only just met, how nice.

'He wants flicking locking up the flicker, he's a right runt the blasted, I'd kick him in the hollyhocks the runt.'

Apparently a patient in his room wasn't playing ball and was causing a bit of a ruckus, which can be a problem, even more so if you had had a heart operation as he had so understandably he was quite upset. But then he got more upset.

'Mother flicking holy runt, flicking flicker he's full of hollyhocks the old blasted, they should deck him, let me have a flicking go I'll punch the runt out', I should point out at this time he was quite animated and throwing a few punches as a demonstration. I looked at Jayne in a stunned silence.

'And you know what the flicker did then? He threw a flicking cup at me the mother flicking runting anchor blasted. It hit me right here.' He then proceeded to remove his clothes.

'Ah yes' we both nodded, we both didn't want to talk much just in case a flicker popped out in sympathy at his semi naked torso.

'Sent me out they did, go and sit in the day room they said, I'll chin the flicker I said and threw the phone at him!'

Whimper! I said to myself internally and my sphincter did a little squeeze, I didn't feel like having some telephonic equipment shoved in my ear to the tune of take that you blasted flicker, we both slid closer to each other on the sofa with only a small easily overturned and thrown table between us.

'And you know what flick face did then? He said he was going to kill me the runt, so I threw the flicking table at the blasted flicking runt the flicker hissing runt, I'll stamp on his hollyhocks and hiss on his head'

I don't know what was worse, the fact that he was describing the type of violence him and this bloke shared or the fact that he turned to us and said he was a self proclaimed gypsy bare knuckle fighter that could beat another patient to death with his slipper and disembowel them with a chair leg.

He had a point, the ward he was in was small, only four beds and was full of recently operated on heart patients with serious recovery options so to have a potentially disruptive patient wrecking havok in a small area you are understandably concerned about your own health, the last thing you need is a cup thrown at you after having a pacemaker fitted but at this moment in time we were more concerned about our own safety and possibly affected vocabulary from the flicking verbal assault.

'Are you ok?' Said a nurse popping her head around the door.

'I'm perfectly fine, what's the flicking runt like?' said our companion.

She rolled eyes, obviously they were having a lot of trouble.

'Let me flicking back in there, I'll deck the runt. Flick the police, flick everybody, what he wants is a flicking good kicking, runt, runt, the blasted anchor is full of hollyhocks.'

If anybody had ever seen the television series 'Sorry!' with wee Ronnie Corbett then you would understand the urge that I was battling with to shout 'Language Timothy!' but I feared any admonishment would result in me being able to feel what it was like to be chair legged to death.

Needless to say we had to endure another fifteen minutes of this with each outburst getting worse and worse, at one point he pulled out his own portable heart monitor and started swinging it around like a club and bringing it smashing down into the table which was apparently the flickers face.

Finally a nurse popped her head around the door as said quite cheerily to us both 'You are ok to visit now'

My sphincter let out a Yankee Doodle Dandy and clapped, mightily happy to get out of there.

'Cheers, nice to meet you. Have a good day' said our new companion and with that my jaw hit the floor.

'Are you sure there shouldn't have been a flicker in there?' is what I wanted to say but instead found myself in a very British way wishing him a speedy recovery and you know I really flickety flick flick meant it and secretly still wanted to keep my teeth.

Some days the blog just writes itself.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Speel Chequers

I have a theory, a theory that spell checkers are losing the ability to recognise intelligent English. I write a lot of words each year, either in stories, blog entries and stuff for websites that you tend to notice these things. For example, if it type ' I contemplate' I get the suggestion is it 'I co temp latte', thanks for that Mr Spellchecker, take a reasonable statement and change it into gibberish or gibbering as you suggested. Unfortunately it recognises lol, without a problem, WTF is ok too and ROTFL works like a dream but try and type I. (See, it's just done it again, I went to type 'in' and it automatically changed it to capital 'I' and a full stop, it's mental!) so I'll try again, try and type in establishment and half way through it suggests 'establish mints', no Mr Smart Tablet I'm not about to establish a mint based business or indeed any type of fresh minty venture now or in the future.

It's getting so annoying, I'm spending more time backtracking errors as I type than I used too but keep the language simple and it's fine, use common slang and it's fine, type well known names though and a whole new section kicks in. I type in motorhead and it automatically changes it to Motörhead, type burger king and you get the above as it changes it to the Burger King brand. What if I had wanted to call somebody who loves cars a motor head? Well then I have to do an extra click on the little cross to ignore the suggestion, quite often I have to do this three or four times a paragraph with various words. Let's try an experiment, I'll type a sentance and accept all the suggestions shall I?

'Mary had a little lamb which she wheeled around in a pram as it munched on luncheon spam'

Nothing, not a bloody thing autocorrected or suggested, what's wrong with it? Why does it never do it when you want it to? Ok, let's up the English a little and look for alternative words to include. Let's ask it for an alternative synonym of 'little', you know, maybe 'small' or 'miniature' anything to help. No, instead I get this.

Seriously? You don't know what it means? Ok maybe I haven't downloaded the dictionary pack to get the full definitions so I'll cut you some slack and I'll click the 'search web' button whilst it's downloading.

 

Hmm, back to the advertising with Littlewoods and Little Mix, not very helpful on the English front are we? Imagine growing up and having a spell checker leap in on everything you do, it's going to be pretty difficult to learn just what is right and wrong, no wonder it's easier just 2 spk lk ths, it fools the spellchecker and suggests nothing to replace it, yay! So th rst ov th blg wil b wri10 lk ths..

'Twice a he err we all go to the seaside to eat an I. Cream' a complete. -We form of writing I'm sure.'

Having trouble reading it? You're not alone as the spellchecker has made plenty of mistakes, it actually says quite boringly 'Twice a year we all go to the seaside to eat an I scream' - a completely new form of writing I'm sure. You may have also noticed with this paragraph it has annoyingly changed ice cream to 'I scream' and again and typing this paragraph for a third time (yawn) it had another go and did this...

Aaaargh!

I scream ( I meant I scream that time ) at the stupidity of it all sometimes and I'd like to think that it actually helps but personally I remember looking up words in a dictionary that I didn't know and that helped me more to not only spell words but also I got the bonus of understanding what the word meant. Spellcheckers seem a little too far removed from all that and sometimes they also seem to be a cosmic communication device to another world after typing in continuation and getting constipation the other week. I got a really random one a few weeks ago when I typed Voodoo and got back Who Do, so I retyped Voodoo and got a reply You Do.

Smart arse, damn thing also thinks it's a poet.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

The Secret Diary Of A Pigeon

Monday

Felt bored, walked around Mr Smiths roof and kicked a couple of slates, he had shooed me away earlier and I was out for revenge. Sat on his aerial and had a poop, a big poop that made a satisfactory splat sound as it hit the slabs below. Felt pleased. Flew home and had trouble getting in the large conifer where I had built my home, must stop eating fattening things.

Tuesday

Found some chips. Accidentally dropped chip on Mr Smiths garden furniture causing him to shout. Couldn't have done better if I tried, may try to irate him more later by fighting with Cyril on the top of his conservatory. Bad landing tonight, crashed into conifer and panicked, noise attracted Mr Smith who shouted abuse at me. I think he may be an intolerant neighbour.

Wednesday

Up nice an early and made my way to a big open window where I sat on the roof above and cooed my heart out. Didn't know it was Mr Smiths bedroom window until he lent out, threw a shoe at me and shouted the time. Flew to aerial and had a poop. Felt good.

Thursday

It wasn't my fault I didn't see Mr Smith until the last minute, I was distracted. The bird bath was too full anyway and I'm sure a bit of water didn't hurt him. I flailed around a little and was maybe a tad over dramatic, after all he was in splashing distance, before flying away and crashing into the conifer. Must stop eating fatty things, I'm getting quite podgy.

Friday

Sat pecking at jam sandwich minding my own business when out of nowhere comes Mr Smith shouting and flapping for no reason whatsoever. Of course dear diary I flew away bemused by the whole thing, after all jam will wash out of cream garden furniture cushions I'm sure. He does show off sometimes. Flew to aerial and had two poops. Result! Must have been the jam.

Saturday

Got completely smashed eating some fresh vegetables from Mr Smiths garden, spent the next few hours flapping from roof to roof singing and fighting with Cyril. Mr Smith got very angry. Every time I tried to approach him to explain I was happy he just shouted and flapped his arms. He will never fly, he's too fat lol. Cyril said we must do more to annoy him, I think Cyril may be right.

Sunday

Oh my god, Cyril has done an amazing thing. He flew into Mr Smiths house! Straight through the double doors he went, did a couple of circles and flew back out. Cyril said it was the best thing he had ever done although he couldn't control his bladder whilst he was in there. Mr Smith was not happy, it took him the rest of the day to clean the conservatory. Cyril smiled all day, what an adventure! Decided to have my afternoon poop over the back door for a change, it makes a lovely different sploshing sound as it hits the decking instead of slabbing.

Monday

A new week, I feel a bit ill, I think I ate a dodgy kebab last night and my guts are really off. Mr Smith is out in the garden, I might try and fly to him to try and apologise for Cyril's behaviour although Mr Smith is quite stupid and dosen't understand what I'm saying. On second thoughts I'll just go and let all this out over his newly cleaned car, I'll keep you posted dear diary...

Tuesday

OMG he went mental! I was like hahahaha he was like WTF, Cyril laughed so much he pooped a tank full. He nearly covered two square feet in one go. Mr Smith didn't find that funny either and started to jump up and down in a rage, I fear he may be one of those attention seekers. We are going to try and fly as close to him as we can later, should be fun!

TBC

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Then And Now

Remember when...

Emmerdale

1970's It's about t'top field, pint at Woolpack and sheep.

1990's The start of many 'tragic' accidents and dramas, no sheep are mentioned.

2014 Deaths, weddings, births, affairs and lies all in one episode. Sheep have been evicted or turned into chops.

Music Videos In The UK

1970's Top Of The Pop footage, odd video if song went to number one. Expectations to see your favourite band make a video are high.

1980's MTV and the age of music video with a 24 hour music channel, Top Of The Pops regularly shows videos. Seeing your favourite bands next video is a must.

1990's MTV Starts listing directors on the music video credits as music videos become more expensive and sexy. Music videos become more important than the songs.

2014 You are lucky if you get a music video on MTV between the adverts. Music videos contain any or all of the following; money, sex, suggestive moves, controversy and gangsta mentality. Most feature the word love but confuse it with lust and all include offers of 'the best night of your life' or similar enticing lyrics.

The News

1970's The news is on the BBC at six'o'clock precisely, local news is on your regional channels and News At Ten is your final update. An ordered view on the world delivered in an informative style from an uncomfortable chair, live footage is grainy and often smuggled out of the eastern bloc.

1990's News channels have 24 hour coverage, satellite and cable viewers have access to World news channels as reporting becomes more diverse. News starts to become a little familiar with its viewers, live feeds are more common and comfy couches are wheeled into the revamped studios.

2014 News lives for headlines, the more attention grabbing snippets are turned into adverts. 'Shock, death and horror, coming later on news at ten' delivered by a tie wearing presenter perched on the edge of a desk positively urging you to revel in its misery. News is delivered with more emotive words and ticker tape additions flash by on screen to help fill your misery meter.

Children's Television

1970's Bagpuss, Pipkins, Andy Pandy, The Herb Garden, Playschool - No shouting, enjoy childhood.

1990's Get Your Own Back, Fun House, Ninja Turtles - Teaching children to be loud, beat things up with karate chops and talk back to their parents because they are clever.

2014 Cartoons on demand, children's TV removed from main channels, programs added to help children become performers, meet celebrities and lots of mini versions of adult shows. Innocence is aimed squarely at the three and under market.

Police Car's

1970's Flying squads and Sweeny coppers bash narks from sooped up Jaguars. Traditional policemen ride around in a small blue and white Austin 1300 ice cream vans with blue flashing lights and nee-naa sound. Equipment includes truncheon, handcuffs and a notebook, seats were uncomfy.

1990's Everyone has sooped up Jaguars, all cars are stuffed full of body armour, bigger truncheons, a working heater and comfy seats. A few nice bright blue and red lights and a woooooeeeee siren.

2014 Top of the range cars included in the fleet, can't tell if it's a police car, emergency paramedic, or highway police. Lots more lights added including the ability to synchronise the headlights with the flashing display. Siren now emits a variable ooooooeeeeeeoooooahhhhhoooeeeoooahhh followed by a brrrrp, brrrrp. Seats extremely comfortable and heated.

Chocolate Bars

1970's Match the size of the packaging and taste like chocolate.

1990's Match 2/3rds of the size of the packaging, doesn't taste like it used to.

2014 Doesn't even match the picture on the packet and is so skillfully packed in the same size packaging as you remember but is now only half it's size. Tastes like flavoured chip fat and probably is.

Money

1970's £1 would buy you a ten pints, a nice meal and the bus home.

1980's £1 would buy you a pint in a pub.

2014 £1 buys you half a shandy.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Psychic Gherkins

Welcome to the official page of the World Cup Psychic Gherkins who first came to the attention of the world in 2013 when they correctly predicted World War Two, a prediction so accurate that the Psychic Gherkins even gave a start date of 1939 confirmed by top historians of being so accurate it's uncanny.

'Its uncanny!' said one top historian, 'It's uncanny!' said another top historian.

So let's see what the Psychic Gherkins have in store for the World Cup, will they predict a winner? Will they predict a win for England tonight after England had a massive boost in confidence when the realised they wouldn't be the first to be knocked out? Let's find out...

England vs Anyone

'We predict that England will win, that win may or may not be to do with the World Cup or even a sporting event but we confidently predict a win at some point, somewhere in something during an undisclosed year. '

So that's a win for England, yay! You heard it here first folks straight from the Psychic Gherkins own mouth and you can't get better than that.

What will tonight's score be?

'We confidently predict that tonight's score will be made of numbers, possibly including zeros but that could change. The final score will consist of two numbers, that we can be quite accurate on.'

Looks like we are in for a treat folks, we are going to get a score made up of two numbers making it perfectly clear what the score is, wow, those Gherkins are accurate!

How do you think tonight's match will go?

'We predict a massive rectangle of grass in some kind of stadium, men will approach the grass area and produce a ball which they will kick around for many minutes before walking off and receiving a massive sum of money equal to the national deficit whilst commentators and old footballers refer back to '66.'

Wow, that sounds exactly like what we are expecting, that so accurate it's uncanny!

Any more predictions Psychic Gherkins?

'Yes, traffic will be at a minimum at 8:00pm and electric and alcohol consumption will be at an all time high, the next three hours will be filled with groans, shouts at the ref, occasional cheers that are cut short and plenty of disappointment. Bitter, bitter disappointment.'

Hmm, what are you trying to say Psychic Gherkins?

'Just saying, I can't remember the last time I have enjoyed myself so much.'

Why is that Psychic Gherkin?

'I'm not watching it.'

Today's blog has been bought to you by www.ohnonotthebloodyworldcup.com by your other half who is sat in another room watching Mamma Mia!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Card Shark

Playing card games have been around since 1857 when the playing card was first invented taking its rectangular shape from the humble wheel (round wheels didn't take off until 1878 because they were considered flamboyant) but what do you really know about playing cards and their origins? Read on to find out more true facts.

1) The first card game created ten years before decks of cards was called snap and involved two players drawing cards from the top of a face down deck and placing them face up on top of each other. If any of the cards matched then 'snap' was shouted and the player who got the first 'snap' in wins the cards. Unfortunately once cards were invented all fifty two cards were made different so games could last for several days without anybody calling snap. It was only several years later that it was suggested that maybe 'snap' should be called when the numbers match and not the whole number and suit.

2) The card called the Ace Of Spades gets it's name from the song of the same name by Motörhead who originally penned this classic after translating an old Gregorgian Monk manuscript from 1324 containing the original lyrics and guitar riffs.

Original lyrics as translated by Lemmy

If thy wilst gamble, I prithy thee I'm thy squire,

Thy win some, lose some, all differences equal to thy,

Thus gigglefax is to tarry, maketh no differences what thy speaketh,

I doth bequeath your greed, thy wanton card I doth seek,

The Ace Of Spades

Anon 1324 - Circecees Gregorgian Monestry, Hull.

3) The follow up song The Number Nine Of Diamonds failed to be as successful for Motörhead and only charted at number 28 in the Peruvian Rain Forest Classic FM charts in 1989

4) Magicians often use cards as part of their magic act, unfortunately magic was heresy in the Middle Ages and anyone wearing a tuxedo or carrying a wand was taken to the local stocks and locked up until they recanted their belief in Ali Bongo, deity of the Magic Circle. Later this punishment was changed to be more severe after the first ever appearance of Paul Daniels. Magicians now have to pretend to live in a glass box for attention.

5) Popular in 1578 the game 'Poker' took off in bawdy taverns throughout the land. Players were dealt cards until they made twenty one or went bust betting on each turn of the card. A tally was made of winners and losers, winners got to keep the steady growing pot of money whilst losers were given heated pokers and left to beat each other, hence the term 'Poker' entered our language. Unfortunately the term poker has changed over the years and now is often heard in clubs and bars up and down the country as in 'I dunno, would you poker?'

6) If you lay out all fifty two cards and count all the symbols on every card adding them all together then devide the answer by four you probably would be better getting a life and only doing it for one suit and times it by four for the same result.

7) The biggest playing cards in the world were Montezumas Mammoths, a deck of cards so large that it helped Columbus to see land twenty five miles out at sea helping him discover Mexico. The cards were used at several special Inca events where it took two hundred slaves just to shuffle the pack and often led to injury.

8) A person who is good at cards is often called a Cardicianallytallywally or a cheat for short and should be disposed of accordingly.

9) Greeting cards are a spin off from our well known deck of cards, collectors of greeting cards can often have 'decks' containing as much as a thousand different cards. Snap is played by matching occasions rather than the numbers on the cards, although greeting card numbers can go up to a hundred. Casinos have been slow to take up this new game along with the equally popular Loolette, a game involving rotating toilets and a football.

10) Place a playing card in the spokes of your bike for a pleasing engine noise.

We hope you enjoyed our true card facts, have a nice day!

Just one thing to add, have you seen the trailer for the new Paddington Bear movie? It's awful, Paddington was a teddy bear not a half bear, man child in drag who can turn nasty and why have a baddie that wants to kill and stuff animals? It's not for me, it's my childhood in tatters. :(

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Balls

At the beginning of the year we deemed 2014 the year of the Impossimal and both myself and Jayne started working on a massive amount of Impossimal related adventures to increase the interactivity we have with all our Impossimal collectors, many of which we feel we now know as friends, friends that have made this journey so much fun over the years. The blog is only one such tool we use to keep in touch, to help we have now expanded to include Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn and more recently the new World Of Impossimals Facebook page and the World Of Impossimals online collectable store all of which keeps us busy with updates, new content and email queries each day. The internet used to be far, far simpler I'm sure, but if your looking for an Impossimal fix the are plenty of places to look.

We are currently trailing out a new forum system for our website, basically it's like a localised version of Facebook and if it works we should have a nice little area dedicated to Impossimal chat and Impossimal finding. It's early days, fingers crossed we will have it up and running by July.

Anyway, always trying out something new is what we enjoy so over at the World Of Impossimals since the start of the World Cup and whilst England remain in the competition we are adding one unique item to the collectable store that is only available for twenty four hours. All the items added are hard to find; in some cases may be the only one left anywhere or unique in some kind of way. Yesterday was the turn of the very rare 'Happy Shopping' greeting card which managed to last online for five minutes before all three were sold. For thirty minutes we also listed an Impossimal limited edition for, wait for it, 1p to keep everyone on their toes!

Don't forget you can always join us on our page at https://www.facebook.com/Impossimals to view behind the scenes glimpses, unique Impossimal artwork, never seen before sketches and all the latest news with posts every day including the build up to the new Impossimal limited edition launch later this year. Or you could visit www.world-of-Impossimals.co.uk to watch for the latest 24 hour rarepossimal item to appear and browse some of the forgotten items from the Impossimal years. Finally you can locate Impossimal galleries, browse all the Impossimal releases by year, read all the Lost Impossimal stories and find the latest Mission Impossimal Magazine online at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk As usual if you want to see Impossimals out in the wild so to speak a full list of galleries that have Impossimal limited editions can be found right here.

Phew!

Don't forget we need your photos and articles for our next Mission Impossimal magazine so if you have something Impossimal to share be it a cake, photos, event or a story then get in touch at impossimal@gmail.com, we'd love to hear from you.

That's about it for today's blog, If you wonder why I have plugged all our websites and Impossimal stuff today it's all down to one simple thing; to help the vast amount of new collectors that have joined us this year that are still discovering the Impossimals and posts like this help to pull everything together, simple!

I'm sure we will be back to the random silliness tomorrow as I am working on quite a silly piece at the moment called The Big Dipper involving a rather large pot of dipping chocolate...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

ForeCast

I'm currently reading loads of old 1980's computer magazines after discovering my stash of them under a pile of books in the garage. I didn't realise at the time just how much of a step into the unknown computers were for people as a whole, the computer industry was viewed with excited scepticism coupled with a boom and bust mentality as company after company produced the latest computer only to go to the wall a year later. Between 1981-86 losses were high, Jupiter Cantab, Mattel, Texas, Oric and even Sinclair by 1986 were defunct although by this time computers were becoming common home entertainment systems. Of course there were several notable names that changed the face of computing completely, Microsoft and Apple for example all active around this period and growing in size. Would you believe it Apple was already flinging around lawsuits at this early stage according to the news sections.

Anyway, around Christmas time they always had a review of the coming year and a stab at the future in computing technology. There were many things written that make me chortle today. For example one journalist suggested that the mouse was dead as a computer accessory almost as soon as it appeared, another predicted that by 2000 we would all be downloading our software from the Teletext service and communicating via Prestel, a kind of Internet of its day if it was bought from a pound shop. Some predicted a future where word processors would correct your spelling and grammar, this derived much critism from many readers who refused to believe that computers would ever be able to do this effectively but then the same readers went on to agree that we face a future in which robots played a big role around the house entrusting robots with the complex task of vacuum cleaning.

One magazine set aside ten pages to describe a futuristic computer heaven and for the most got it all entirely wrong apart from one small section that even they said was a little outlandish, a section that described a small tablet shaped computer that we could carry around and use like a piece of paper to record documents and view plug-in films, possibly with a VHS attachment. It was not too far fetched, in 1983 Sinclair Research was already looking to create the first affordable flat screen television and there were rumours that the new CD formats that were just beginning to see the light of day could herald a new storage solution although at this time nobody had any idea how this would work. The small tablet described was also capable of simple communication through a modem and telephone system allowing international communication as long as you could afford the phone bills. It all sounded so far fetched.

Yesterday I stood in the very same Tesco's that I used to purchase the computer magazines from thirty years ago and pondered the small box I had picked up. It was this...

I pulled out my small tablet which we now know as a smart phone and thought back to the article I had recently read, not bad I thought, they did come pretty close. I used its inbuilt communication system to surf the world via the internet to gather information from the international community so to speak to confirm that indeed I was looking at another leap in technology that would make me chortle with delight. A Chromecast.

Chromecast was released in the USA In 2013, it only really made it across to these shores a few months ago and supplies were initially limited. The Chromcast is a £30 piece of kit that plugs into the HDMI socket of your television that allows you to stream music, video, photos and numerous other compatable services directly to your television from smartphones, tablets or standalone computers via your wifi network. Apple already has a more sophisticated version of this but the beauty of the Google Chromecast is it's initial impulse purchase price and it's projected degree of flexibility. It's simple to use and within five minutes I had it up and running with no problems whatsoever.

Coupled with apps and websites like Netflix and BBC iPlayer it's outstanding, simply press the icon on the screen and the movie or episode you are watching is 'cast' onto your television in 1080p, simple in application and execution. It certainly has revolutionised the little television I do watch, now I can avoid the adverts altogether and edit my own schedule before casting it to television. I can imagine it would be even more useful in multi set households where every television can have its own Chromecast and different media can be cast to different screens in the same house. One app allows you to set up a party wall on your television containing a unique code, this code when entered on another phone or smart tablet allows photos to be cast onto a shared screen. Imagine doing this at a party or an event for example where everyone has the code on their phone so everyone's photos get bundled together to create an ever changing video wall of memories which it automatically converts into a film of the night, how cool is that?

This apparently is just the start, the SDK or developers kit for the Chromecast has just been made widely available so expect more and more apps and websites to start to integrate it into their products in the following months. If you do get chance and you don't have an internet enabled television check it out, for £30 it really is quite remarkable.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Oh Mer Gaad!

My worst fears were confirmed this morning as the letterbox rattled at an unusually early time. On the doormat was a newspaper but not any newspaper, it was The Sun. Let me reclassify that, an emotional fuelled rumour pamphlet landed on my doormat entirely unexpected. I of course treated it as I would somebody urinating through my letterbox and grabbed it ready to rip it to shreds and toss it in the bin, for you see me and newspapers don't really see eye to eye.

Then I paused, what was I doing? It's blog fodder! Yay!

I gave up on newspapers in the early nineties as they annoy me somewhat with their content and never returned to them since. Newspapers went the same way as wristwatches which I haven't worn since 2003 and for one year (2009) I also cut out the television, films and cinema. It may seem quite strange to hear that, cutting out large chunks of society sounds a bit strange but it allowed me to appreciate the real things in life without the distractions of modern day society and to this day it allow me to balance out my exposure to such things giving me more time to do and be with the things I love.

Anyway, apparently 22 million 'historic edition' Sun's are being given out free so the odds of you getting one too is unfortunately quite high, sorry.

The front page has a 'this is our England' photo montage, I tried circling everyone I recognised then lost all interest when I realised James Corden and Wayne Rooney was in there. I couldn't find Winston Churchill, Shakespeare or Darwin but I did find Eddie The Eagle Edwards which was some recompense. On the next page they have a survey of who is the greatest living English person. Hmm, who would you choose? the Queen perhaps? Or how about Stephen Hawking? Hmm, all reasonable choices instead we have in the top ten Ant and Dec.

Let that sink in a bit.

Ant and Dec, the greatest living English people, now you understand why I gave up television. A further 21% suggested someone else and 13% could not even name anybody so answered 'don't know'. Yay, go Great Britain!

Moaning and getting drunk was in the list of top English characteristics and for top English inventions we have a list that includes The World Wide Web (Err, not exactly sure we did ALL that on our own) and rubber bands which are English but not exactly earth shatteringly great, more convenient I think but at least they managed to completely miss the Industrial revolution and a few other thousand inventions key to everyday life.

Some of the fab things suggested I don't want to do include wear a silly costume and attend a darts event, pretend to call on Mr Darcy at Chatsworth house (!? And just how does one pretend to do that?), enjoy a night in Newcastle, watch a game of football at West Bromwich Albions ground and take a 'Walk Of Faith' at Blackpool tower. Not to be confused with the walk of faith you take just by visiting Blackpool.

Here's some other top quotes from this historical edition that caught my eye.

'We invented almost everything that matters'

'No one else on the planet comes close to our genius'

'The spirit of Psycho'

And the absolute vomit inducing 'Hope springs eternal in the human breast, especially one encased in an England shirt'

So you see this is why I don't do newspapers, I just can't help myself commenting on everything in them which I suppose is the reason they are so popular. Enjoy your free glimpse into the Sun, just don't stare for too long it damages the eyes.

Oh yes, nearly forgot, they still go on about '66 as well as Maradona's hand of god for flips sake.

Just don't mention the war.

Oops! Page 15!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Memories

Bit of a strange blog entry today triggered by a sort out of photos from the last nine years as I rediscover some extraordinary moments as I build up the World Of Impossimals board on Pinterest. I'm trying to get together all the photos from ourselves and collectors that have made it such a memorable time and share them with you and maybe even add some of your photos. So if you have any photos you would like me to include on the new Pinterest board just let me know, it can be of you with an Impossimal picture, something you have made or just some random Impossimal related item.

To get you started here are a few random photos and things from over the years starting with the above photo, a shot taken at my publishers in 2010 as I let them see the latest batch of Impossimals for the first time.

Around the same time we did the Great Impossimal Giveaway, the idea was to simply send in a photo of you with an Impossimal and the most creative would get a prize.

Instead we had already decided to give prizes to everyone who entered and eventually gave away over £5000 in prizes after receiving some marvellous entries.

One night this photograph popped into our in box from a collector. It's a hand carved wooden Impossimal chess set specially created for their love of Impossimals. It really is a work of art and each piece is highly detailed.

The Elephant Parade was a big turning point for the Impossimals, an estimated 56 million people saw the event when over two hundred life sized baby elephants invaded London for a summer event I will never forget involving so many fabulous people and places and finally cumulating with a television and photo session at the National History Museum.

In 2014 we returned for the third year running to help judge the UK's Children Fine Art Exhibition, a superb free entry event run in conjunction with the International Children's Fine Art Exhibition. It's such an important event being the only nationally run competition encouraging children and art so it's no surprise that the judge lineup includes some of the top artists working today.

Further memories came flooding back as we discovered the photos from our many school visits over the years.

It's always great to see how young minds tackle the Impossimals and in some cases you get nothing but pure Impossimal innocence and some fabulous paintings.

Plus as a bonus I get to sit on small chairs in the dining room and have proper school dinners, gravy, custard, the lot!

Other random events take us out of our comfort zone and into uncharted territories as we found out bumping into this top chef unexpectedly at one summer event.

Globally the Impossimals have been steadily moving around the continents, in 2008 they were featured in the Hong Kong Marie Claire which was first bought to our attention when the hits on our website from Hong Kong suddenly spiked over a weekend.

Inside was a little feature called Heart With Art and we were sent photos of the exhibition to use on our website.

We had already seen Impossimals reach the USA and several galleries in key locations and the Impossimals continue to find new collectors far and wide.

Of course all of this wouldn't have been possible without the support of all the galleries and collectors we have met along the way and it's reflective blog entries like this that make you realise how incredibly fortunate we have been.

If you want to become part of the Impossimal family send in your Impossimal photos to impossimal@gmail.com It can be something you have created, wedding cakes, tattoos - absolutely anything and we will stick it on our new Pinterest board and occasionally feature them on our World Of Impossimals Facebook page.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals