Meet A Loon

Depending on how you did in yesterday's loon test you may wish to pop by Castle Galleries in Nottingham this coming Saturday 22nd between 1-4pm to meet two professional buffoons Peter & Jayne Smith who will be on show and without restraints for several hours. Come to stare, point, poke or generally prod but please this time no time travellers, (just because you used two different doors to get in the gallery doesn't make you Dr Who) or indeed balaclava masked criminals.

Also while we are talking about this please no stuffed sharks, harmonica playing or off duty mascots that decide to gatecrash for the attention, it's doesn't look good when we have to manhandle a seven foot parrot in a T-Shirt that says 'Squawk If You Shine' out of the gallery because they were walking around patting people on the head like in 2010.

All welcome (with the above exceptions, oh, and people that cut my head out of brochures to stick on lights switches so they can 'turn me on' and tell me as if it's the most perfectly normal thing in the world to do. Oh my!) at this free event that will feature plenty of Impossimally Impossimals along with the new range of sculpture and several originals to boot.

Today's blog has been bought to you by Shameless Plugs Ltd, See you Saturday where it's nearly your last chance to find golden hares and a chance to win big!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's Lunacy!

Scrabble, pill pot, cucumber, are you a closet loon? Or are you an intolerant creation of today's society? And if so how do you wibble know? Take Mr Loons handy quibble rhubarb how loony are you quiz to find out!

How It Works

You score 1 point for every A answer, 2 for a B and any comfortable amount for a C, you can also score yourself for a D even thought there are no D answers.

1) You do not have the right change for a carpark ticket machine, do you...

A) Politely ask another carpark customer if they could change a £5 note.

B) Get really annoyed and drop kick the ticket machine before finding the nearest fire extinguisher and spraying passersby with foam shouting 'How's that for sixpence!'.

C) You remove your left shoe and eat it before pulling a large saveloy from your inside pocket which you proceed to roll across the carpark using just your nose.

2) A bottle top is extremely stiff and refuses to budge, do you...

A) Run the end of the bottle under the warm tap and try again using a towel for grip.

B) Get a large hammer and smash the top off the bottle.

C) You hold the bottle in your arms and sing the bottle loosener song which goes like this whilst dancing around the room...

'Little bottle long and square how tight is your top I do dispair!

Please release your grip on my favourite sip as my unicorn requires regular maintenance from a selection of beverages inspired by the phases of the moon.

Once I drink I start to think of lollypops and sausages floating on a bed of beans, of candy bacon and salty queens, of chocolate eggs and bendy legs covered in a sauce made of clothes pegs.

So little bottle long and square, release and share your wonderful juice as I love my drink as long as it's not puce.'

You then place your hands firmly on the bottle top and do the twist, like you did last summer.

3) Sitting on the bus you miss your bus stop, what do you do?

A) Wait patiently for the next stop and walk.

B) Shout profanities and slap the back of the head of the person in front of you before ripping out the seat and chucking it through the window.

C) Pretend to be Noah and only allow people to leave the bus two by two whilst encouraging a singsong of the popular tune 'Wheels On The Giraffe'

'The wheels on the giraffe go up and down, up and down, up and down.

The doors on the giraffe go la, la, de, bop, poot, la, la, de, bop, poot, la, la, ,de, bop, poot.

The trapdoor on the giraffe goes flumpitydiddlyplop-plop as the donkey drops through it.

The donkey in the giraffe goes moo, moo, moo.

The cow in the donkey in the giraffe goes oink, oink, oink.

All day long'

4) You sit reading a blog entry about being a loon, do you?

A) Think 'this is utter rubbish, how does he find the time to write such crap' and do something more worthwhile of your time.

B) Get extremely angry at the sheer waste of time you spent reading this and make plans to meet the author this weekend at Castle Galleries on Saturday in Nottingham so you can tell them just what you think of them before you stamp on their feet and eat cod bites infront of them.

C) Agree with the bit about unicorn maintenance but add that you will need a cat ratchet to adjust unicorns properly.

How did you do?

Less than 4

Sorry, but you are absolutely bonkers you mad loony loon! It's people like you that are loony, keep it up you will go far! Half naked exploding penguins with Anne Widecome riding a pig naked, oops, this isn't google search is it?

Between 4 and 7.8273654772

Whoa! You are perfectly normal and have all the same anger issues that we generate in today's society, you will go far! Try finding your perfect job like auditioning for X-Factor or appear on Jeremy Kyle, well done!

Greater than 1216216 but less than 17266 divided by 536, is your card the number Queen of Hearts?

Really you need to be a bit different, stop being such a boring sheep, go and do something INTERESTING for a change.

How did you do?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

NOm's

I have learnt two new words a few days ago, cod bites. Up until now my life has remained unenlightened with this wonderful food stuff capable of turning a mouth into a sordid mixture of fish, spit and teeth and I must say it's changed my life.

Shopping, love it or hate it supermarket shopping at some time in our lives occurs. It's always a never ending battle with its stupid aisles and puzzling offers; Banana's 45p each or two for a pound, you know the type of thing one that prays on our busy lifestyle to empty our pockets. My biggest problem though is at the checkout as I always seem to draw some kind of unwanted attention. If I buy more than one bottle of wine you can bet some smart donkey will quip 'Avin' a party?' To which the correct reply is of course 'Indeed, I hear you are moving away from the area.' Unfortunately I tend not to use that one as a punch in the mouth is often the result so instead I smile thinly and resist the urge to pull out their tonsils through their nose.

It just happened I was in one such queue on Sunday, oh, before I start may I congratulate the gentleman that walked in front of us as we left House Of Fraser in Wolverhampton on the way to our appearance at the weekend, it really was the loudest and fiercest fart I have ever heard and probably the first time I had seen one make somebody 'hurry up' with a brief lift whilst parting my hair and filling my clothes with a odour I can only describe as bad eggs in a jar of pickled herring. Well played, also a thankyou to the gentleman on the phone that decided to call us 'fook@&g @anchors and address his friend on the other end of his phonecall as a c@&! whilst using two fingers to gangsta me.

Where was I? Ah, the checkout. It was a small queue, behind was a family and in front a bloke. I say bloke because he bloked if that made sense. He had bought his entire lunch from the hot buffet bar along with a packet of crisps and a can of fizzy beverage. Now I know life can be extremely busy and rushing about is what most people do but really is there any need for using the conveyor belt as a picnic table? Seriously, all the food stuff was laid out opened on the belt whilst the lady in front was served. A sip of coke, a nibble at the cheese and onion crisps and a bit of the roast chicken leg, he was clearly having a ball. I don't ooze blokeyness so I'm always at a disadvantage in these situations, should I congratulate him on being so manly and allowing grease stains to run along the conveyor belt or should I have congratulated him when he accidentally dropped the packet of crisps on top of my shopping? As he picked out the crisps from my apples my stomach turned as I noticed the ring of grease around his lips and a piece of chicken wedged between his teeth. Hideous. Needless to say he took one look at me and that was it, he sneered, he was superior and I was a non-blokey so he decided to show off his blokeyness to me as certain men do when they meet a non blokey type of person.

Why do I always get them? I already had rampant farting and abuse from Mr Pottymouth on Saturday and now on Sunday I have suddenly become a plaything from a man ape of a bloke that wanted to show how unblokey I was by feeding himself in front of me. Licking his lips he turned back to the conveyor belt and opened the remaining grease packet. Looking me squarely in the eye he pulled out a handful of the contents and mashed them into his mouth with his big fists, just like a giant would in a fairytale to show how horrid they are.

That was it, I was scarred for life, his mouth had turned into a turgid masticating mess of chicken bits, saliva, grease and horrors of all horrors this new foodstuff; cod bites. Chomping and slopping away he bent over to me and opened his mouth really wide and slowly mushed its contents around with his tongue. It was probably the most disgusting unasked for thing I have ever seen. He was obviously proud of it and burst out laughing showering me with fish bits and spittle. I stood shocked, why would anybody do that? I thought back through my life and couldn't remember a single episode where I filled my mouth with fishy meat and showed it off to strangers before blowing small chunks at them. I ended up with a fine spray of fluid over my face and small white pieces of cod decorating my shirt, I was so glad my mouth wasn't open at the time or I would be joining him in his snack. He nearly got a 'right back at you' when my stomach lurched and I was nearly lavishly sick over him but I managed somehow to hold it all in.

He finished all his items by the time he had got to the till and simply paid for all the empty packets and cans then left them and walked off leaving me to clear them up before I could continue shopping.

'You stink, can I smell fish?' Said Jayne when I got home.

'You can, but if you smell my face you can smell chicken too!' I replied jauntily and with that I passed out completely.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Socially Speaking

Before the blog gets back to it's random self tomorrow just a bit of an update on things at Impossimal HQ. Our website is having yet another update with lots of social media addons which we have grouped conveniently for the moment on one page, accessible via the red 'press me' button so over the course of the next few weeks expect things to change a little as we implement all the new stuff and Pinterest compatible art.

It's going to be an exciting 2015; new Impossimals have just been delivered to our publisher and work is well under way on Revelations, the next instalment of the Lost Impossimals which this time are bigger and grander in scale than ever before. Again, a special area on our website will be given to follow the progress throughout next year and a future announcement will tie in the Lost Impossimals with an extremely special event indeed...

So a bit of a damp squib of a blog today but if you feel like poking around one of our new bits so to speak then visit www.petersmithcollective.co.uk and press the read button.

Go on, you know you want to!

Back to the fun tomorrow, in the meantime here's a picture for your amusement.

That. Is a duck.

You Must Be Mad

I didn't really think a week later I would still be building the first Lost Impossimal set but here I am still with loads of work to go into the piece. It's been made entirely out of scraps, wire, cardboard and clay and everything is handmade even down to the March hares guillotine and the little iced buns.

Alice in the world of the Lost Impossimals has unfortunately realised that there is indeed two worlds of Wonderland and as she moves from one to another Alice changes. You can see part of her has altered as she leans across the table into a world of madness and her hair and clothing change. You will get a more dramatic effect as I put in the background and the lights, the entire landscape will be torn in two. Alice on the right will exist in a safe make believe world whilst the left will show a topsy turvy house with flying furniture and tableware. I'm absolutely loving making all the different items, I can wait to start some of the other pieces.

The entire scene when finished will be photographed and form the basis for the painting. For such a large amount of work I really can't see me destroying it like the previous Lost Impossimals scenes so instead it's going to be secured down and covered with a hard coating to preserve it and will more than likely feature at a future exhibition and will probably be offered for sale some time in the future.

A full feature length story is also being written to accompany the project; a story that will come together with twelve others to make a small book of short tales that expands on the opening Bloodline stories and unravels more of the mysteries of the Lost Impossimals.

Just the beginning of the journey, just remember a mind is a wonderful thing to lose.

Oh, nearly forgot! We are at Castle Galleries, Wolverhampton tomorrow Saturday 15th between 1-4pm, if you're passing pop in and say hello, we would love to see you!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

That's SO Sexy

Kim Kardishan has tried to break the Internet again (yawn) by showing off an unbelievably gigantic genetically modified naked bottom and football sized funbags so in a totally unrelated way I have decided to break the internet myself with some sexy artist shots to blow Kim out of the water. These are totally unmodified and candid shots that may be NSFW and liable to burn an image on your retina that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

HOT, HOT, HOT!!! strutting my sexy body in this fetching devilishly sexy suit was SOOOO gorgeous. Just think what I could get up to with those PRONGS, I could toast anything you like in several different sexy ways. Anybody want to pull my pointy tail? Meet the devil in me this weekend when we make an appearance on Saturday 15th at Castle Galleries, Wolverhampton between 1-4pm. Go on, be a devil and come along...

I got more than dat' ass to show you with a pair of dirty cushions to leer at. My blond hair cascades along my curves like a curvy cascade of golden showers whilst I pout pouty trout pouts prettily pursing my plump lips in anticipation of you coming along to this weekends appearance on Saturday 15th at Castle Galleries, Wolverhampton between 1-4pm. I will be waiting and pouting to see you...

Oh my! My dress has just nearly blown off with a freak upward blast of wind! Come along to this weekends appearance on Saturday 15th at Castle Galleries, Wolverhampton between 1-4pm to meet us and it might just fly off altogether leaving me NAKED! and VULNERABLE!

Eh up mi'duck, wats up love? Want to join me for a roller romp? A bit of a naughty nighty wrestle? I can't promise that but you can always come along to this weekends appearance on Saturday 15th at Castle Galleries, Wolverhampton between 1-4pm to meet me and play with my rollers.

Today's blog has been bought to you by a feeble attempt to promote this weekends appearance on Saturday 15th at Castle Galleries, Wolverhampton between 1-4pm, all welcome, may be NSFW or leave you bewildered depending on wether or not I decide to wear clothing.

See you there! It's going to be HOT, HOT, HOT!

P.S.Kim Kardishan beat that!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

TV WEAKLY

6:00am - 8:30am GOOD MOANING BRITAIN

Join us as we greet the morning with lots and lots of miserable moaning punctuated by miserable news items and the occasional uplifting moan about stuff in general. Presented annoyingly by smiling presenters in various states of fashion failures and featuring a selection of celebrities, and I say that in its loosest sense, who come along to flog a film, book, fitness DVD or some other assorted tat now we are on the rundown to Christmas. Expect more frippery and televisual lobotomy as we approach the festive season.

9:30am - 11:00am The Jeremy Vile Show

Oh Lordy, another airing of dirty laundry by the general public hosted by a goading presenter out for kicks. Check out the teeth, see if you can spot enough to make a full set. Today's episode features a paternity case to find out if Dave has fathered twenty six miniature piglets by seven different sows, something he denies as he was already having an afair with a Shetland pony at the time. Tomorrow's episode 'Holding Out For A Management Position Whilst On The Dole'

11:00am - 12:00pm Don't Get Done, Get Dome

Been ripped off? Taken for a ride by large companies? Charged too much for too little? Yeah, so have we, sucks doesn't it? Here's a program that offers the same service and gives you nothing in return for an hour out of your life.

12:00pm - 1:00pm Bargain Hunter

Join us in a fruitless quest by two couples as they try and make a bit of cash whilst useless antique dealers protective of the way they make their own money offer them useless advice and crap choices to ultimately leave them disappointed or elated with a £3 profit. Hosted by a self styled celebrity antique dealer with certain, how shall we say, selection of annoying habits and chats to the camera. At least we have lost 'Cheap As Chips' from the catchphrase. Prepare for a slow and agonising hour of feeble entertainment.

1:00pm - 2:00pm - Small Animal Hospital And Addiction Clinic

Over the top entertainer lavishly presents the harrowing scenes at a large vetinary surgery in the hope of making edge of your seat entertainment with tears. True, there are indeed tears but it's mostly from the realisation that somebody is being paid to flounce about with a loud voice around helpless animals. At least we can turn him off.

2:00pm - 3:00pm - Sixty Minute Makeupover

Filmed over the course of an entire day this carefully edited program offers the illusion of completely decorating key areas of you house seamlessly with a happy group of people all joining in. Try this yourself and it will take you an hour just to buy a tin of paint from the DIY store to which when you return home you will think sod this for a game of soldiers and watch this program instead. Armchair DIY if you like that kind of thing, still on the other side is some changing room thingy with that flowery Laurence Bowtie bloke which I met once and allowed him to completely ignore me as he thought I was one of his staff.

5:00pm - 6:00pm Flogging It

Jesus, not another bloody antique and auction program how did we get so bloody many? I'm sure I have seen most of the antiques on other programs before. I bet the antique dealers are laughing down their sleeves. 'Oh, not that bloody figurine again! How much did we say it was worth on Antiques Roadshow? £50 you say? Pretend to know something about it then point out something that is wrong to lower their expectations, I'll make sure they only get half at auction. I have a buyer in America that will pay £££'s for that!'

7:00pm - 8:00pm Strictly Come Prancing

Over analysis of a seriously over played dancing competition that lost its sparkle some time in the late 80's. This new resurrected program offers a lifeline to crumbly ex-celebrities and new 'known for nothing in particular' celebrities as they take the road to career failure. Expect most to pop up embarrassingly on other reality shows along the way. Cringe at the choreographed carnage and tight costumes, gasp as previously respectable people nutcracker and jive their way uncomfortably in full HD for your pleasure.

8:00pm - 9:00pm I'm Not Quite A Celebrity Get Me In There

Oh dear, dear, dear. We have got to the bottom of the barrel and it's not very nice. This years lineup has a token newsreader, some kind of rap artist to do with striding and, and, and, no, sorry I don't know anybody else. Expect the public to pick on somebody in particular to eat testicles, there will be arguments about food and a bit of semi-nakedness thrown in to help. They will all have to wear silly Australian hats for the promotional photos and cry uncontrollably when they win. I am SO looking forward to it this year, I'm not watching it.

9:00pm - 10:00pm Mastercheffy

It's supposed to be the professionals version, unfortunately some are professionals in a different profession. It's just not the same with Bear Gryllis, er I mean Markus Wearmeout hosting it. He's like a manic hobo and Harmonica has started to wear square glasses so she looks like Evil Edna from the children's program Will'o'the Wisp. Egg Wallace however still likes puddings so at least something never changes. Did you watch it last night? I had to whizz past the preparation of the bird as I was eating a pickled egg at the time.

11:00pm - 6:00pm

Various channels of gambling, filth, telesales and phone in flirting for your pleasure. What have we come to? Television used to be informative and programmed to get the best out of the viewing public. It was governed by a strict code of conduct that produced some of the best television in the world. Unfortunately we will no longer sit with our children to view Watch With Mother, be entertained by well written family entertainment like the Good Life or laugh along to double acts that earned their place on our television screens through good old fashioned talent and hard work unless it's a repeat or indeed watch a documentary that dosen't recap every five minutes and include 'dramatic footage' manufactured for effect.

Today's TV Guide has been bought to you by More Choice Less Satisfaction Ltd, established 1990.

What happened?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Spam

The latest dismal episode in the story of BRO'BOT, an irritating bit of artificial intelligence that has finally managed to stop being a dick, stopped being pedantic and lost his childishness with a brand new upgrade that unfortunately has left him open to a bit of spam...

Episode 1 - Dick! You can read HERE

Episode 2 - Dick Too! You can read HERE

Episode 3 - BRO'BOT V3 You can read HERE

Episode 4 - Spam

'Morning Bro'Bot, how are you today?'

I'm fine thankyou, I have received some emails over night would you like me to read them?

'That's very kind of you BRO'BOT but I'll leave them for later if you don't mind.'

I thought you might say that so I used my efficiency mode to automatically reply to them for you. I'm sure you will be happy with the results Prince Harold Of Zambia.

'What results and why did you just call me Prince Harold Of Zambia? What have you done BRO'BOT?'

I took the opportunity to take advantage of several unique opportunities that you may have otherwise declined now that you are also rich.

'BRO'BOT! What have you done!!'

If you check your bank account you should see that there has been a deposit of $6,000,000 USD from your sister Princess Harriet III of Namibia, apparently they have been trying to contact you for years and it was only when customs forced open a package that they found your name and $10,000,000 USD inside. I knew you would be pleased.

'You idiot! You do know its a con don't you? I hope you didn't pass on any details to them!'

Er, not really, only a few minor details...

'How minor?'

Really small little tiny ones that you wouldn't even notice...

'Just how small are we talking BRO'BOT? Just my name?'

Er, yes, just your name and...

'And?'

Your age...

'Thats not too bad then'

...followed by your address, date of birth, complete employment history, social security number, a full list of all your passwords and bank account details and photocopies of your driving licence, passport and birth certificate along with a cheque for £23.56.

'What! You stupid idiot! You have just handed over my life!!'

Not entirely, you're exaggerating, they don't know your shoe size.

'I'm ruined! Quick access my bank account I need to move the money!'

All done, money's been moved.

'Thank god, how did you do it so fast?'

It was nothing.

'What was nothing?'

Your bank account. It was nothing. Zero, zilch, 0.

'What!'

Cheer up I have ordered you a gift that keeps on giving.

'What gift?'

Remember the cheque for £23.56 I sent on your behalf...

'BRO'BOT! What have you done!'

...well I knew you would be pleased, it was a sound investment and I'm sure you will be even happier when your penis is longer.

'You're joking!'

No, my mirth and japes processor was removed, I cannot joke. You are the proud recipient of the Penielastic Pocket Rocket expander which according to my calculations by the time you have paid £23,546 into its unique subscription system and used it patented vacuum system you will be armed with a penis approaching 223 feet long.

'My life is ruined! You are such a turd BRO'BOT!'

Thankyou for texting the word TURD, welcome to the WORLD OF TURD picture of the day archive. Here's today's FREE picture.

To unsubscribe from WORLD OF TURD pictures text FISHFEET and we will remove you from our lists. Enjoy your daily turd!

'OMG, this is crazy, stop it BRO'BOT! I don't want WORLD OF TURD or FISHFEET I want my life back you dick!'

Thankyou for texting the word FISHFEET, welcome to the wacky world of FISH FEET OF THE DAY photo archive, here's today's free picture.

To unsubscribe please text the word BIGBALLS and we will remove you from the list.

'I'm not falling for that again BRO'BOT! That's it you ignorant pig, I'm pulling the plug on you!'

Thankyou for texting the word PIGPLUG, as a new subscriber you will get a hundred pig plug pictures every single day!

To unsubscribe from PIGPLUG text MORESPAM and we will remove you from our list.

'Bugger.'

More irregular adventures from BRO'BOT soon. If you no longer wish to read the purile rubbish on this blog then simply text WHATALOADOFTOSHPETERSMITHWRITES and we will safely remove you from our list.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's A Long One Today. Sorry.

I love carpark picnics but have you ever wondered why at every appearance we do have one? It's certainly not originally out of choice, it's more of something that has been thrust upon us over the years after experiencing varying miserable levels of service at some of the high street chains and peculiar events at hotels and in general.

This weekend we decided to ditch the picnic and spoil ourselves by trying again. It was a bit of a treat, no sitting in the car struggling with Tupperware, no flasks of coffee balancing on the dashboard instead we would be waited upon with steaming mugs of coffee and lashings of toast with scrambled egg. Lush.

We arrived nice and early too, it was 10:50am when we pulled into the Bluewater carpark and we were hungry. The place we had chosen was a well known one that we had visited one of their sister restaurants before during our visit to Reading and the thought of the lovely food awaiting was enticing. As we passed we looked in, it was half empty with only a few families enjoying a wonderful breakfast. Yum, yum!

'Sorry, we're full.'

'You are joking!'. As you can see from that remark we were quite taken aback.

'No, it's full, there's a fifteen minute wait for a table'

'But you are only half full! There's three tables behind you that are empty and another six down there!'

'I'm sorry but you will have to wait.'

'Wait for what? You're half empty!'

'We have reached capacity, I'm afraid you will have to wait for fifteen minutes.'

At this point a family left and the table behind him was cleared leaving at least twelve tables empty and six occupied.

'What about them? They have just left can we have their table?' I said pointing after them.

'Sorry, we are full, here's two vouchers for a free cup of coffee when you next visit.'

'You are @&?!*ng joking!'

At this point I was going to mention the name of the place but it makes me B-loomin ILL'S to think of the name. (hint)

So that's the reason we have carpark picnics. Everytime we try to do something different fate intervenes and farts in our face. In Milton Keynes we had a waitress that decided to memorise our order and came back with something completely different. Three times. In Edinburgh we tried to get a coffee from somewhere other than a stupid chain and ended up at what looked like a respectable place that quite candidly told us that it would take twenty minutes to bring us a coffee and a scone as they were quite busy serving real paying customers with food. In Leeds we dined at Harvey Nicks as a treat and chose the eggs benedict which when served consisted of just half a bagel covered in a creamy mess. Two mouthfuls and it was gone, we just managed to taste it before it disappeared and was possibly one of the smallest most expensive eggs benedict we have ever had.

In Cambridge we ended up being placed on a table beside a toilet door that hit the back of our chairs repeatedly, when we asked to be moved we were told to leave as we wasn't the usual clientele. At a boutique hotel in Birmingham we were served raw bacon. Let me say that again, RAW BACON, when we complained it was whisked away to be cremated whilst we was offered the option to return that night to dine with the promise of a £1 off. In an undisclosed location we were recommended a place that served one of the best breakfasts ever and walked in dressed up in gallery baffoonery clothes like a pair of tarts straight into a truckers greasy spoon cafe.

The list goes on, in Cardiff my coffee was the recipient of a globule of spit that had been launched from a balcony two stories up that hit with such a splash as I lifted the mug to my mouth that I was showered with scalding beverage over my crotch. We once stayed at a B&B that you had to fill in your breakfast requests each night and every morning without fail there was always something missing as they operated a five and out policy, in other words if they thought you were being greedy they would remove items on purpose. Guests were bewildered, we were bewildered until we gradually worked out that if you carefully selected just five items including toast you were fine.

We were once booked in to a budget hotel that was not only filthy but had a burger smeared over the window, which was quite strange as the hotel had no dining facilities and expected its clientele to enjoy a feast from their only vending machine. A grand time was had eating chocolate and crisps after travelling and working for twelve hours before. Not. Talking of hotels have you ever been booked into one during a cockney wedding? We have and had to endure pearly kings and queens having a knees up until the early hours. You know in some hotels they have a connecting door between certain rooms? We didn't realise until we pulled one open thinking it was a wardrobe only to find us looking into the preparations of a hen night next door.

The list goes on, an ancient lift broke down in Bath with us in it and the room had a double bed that had a gaping hole in the middle that slowly ate me overnight. There was a memorable breakfast the next morning too as the waiter dropped a small pot of conserve into the orange juice jug and retrieved it by rolling his sleeves up and dipping in. He then served us our breakfast which included a sausage that refused to be cut and folded in two along with beans with a crust. In London a respectable hotel booked us a taxi which we didn't find out until we were in it was an illegal one that decided to try and 'learn the knowledge' with us in it. About a thousand miles later he dropped us off and guessed a price. It was the wrong location. Also in London we ended up in a hotel room with just a small window facing a hundred foot drop and was instructed on how to use the wall hook and grappling equipment in the wardrobe in case a fire occurred. In Bristol a Corby trouser press turned itself on in the night and steamed the room whilst in Chelmsford the hotel was so extensive and puzzling that the staff had to draw a map to get to the room, seriously, it was that awkward.

In Southampton we scrambled down the fire escape from ten floors up dressed in pyjamas after a wedding guest decided to hit the fire alarm button and in Chester we arrived at the hotel only to find that there were no rooms available as there had been a double booking and that they had secured another room for us at a different hotel. Turns out that it was next to a railway station and at that time of night was asked if I fancied a good time by the ladies of the night that plied their trade inside and outside the place. In Leeds a wonderful night was ruined by a demonstration and a riot just outside complete with mounted police and in Burnley we witnessed two fights, trod on a syringe and the taxi from the hotel decided to try and kill us by ramming as many cars as possible. Only last year we ended up at a hotel that was keen on golfing and every time I left my table at breakfast for the self service returned to find a keen golfer had taken my place and was trying to chat Jayne up over a sausage sandwich, I wouldn't have minded but they even asked 'who are you?' When I returned and didn't believe Jayne when she said I was her husband. It happened twice!

Memorable events to say the least so call me picky but I will stick with my good old carpark picnic, I just need to figure out how to stop all the staring people (Cardiff, Bristol, Sheffield and lots of other places) and the strangers that think it's ok to bang on the window and ask to join in ( Manchester ) or people that like to lick my face (Leeds). Oh and to try and stop being threatened by a knife wielding chefs demanding a free sketch (Dorchester) and to avoid armed gangs of balaclava clad criminals (Nottingham 2007), high street heists (Nottingham 2013) whilst wriggling out of the way of people who cut out my face from brochures to stick on light switches so they can 'turn me on' every day (Dorchester again!) I also avoid other places due to over familiarity such as Windsor where I was expected to hold a newborn baby for a photo with lady that wanted to see if I was a suitable catch by recreating a perfect family photo and in Norwich where I was mistaken for a vagrant and told to move on whilst tying my shoes and getting in between a fight between a Scottish piper and a Peruvian Pan Pipe band that resulted in a broken bagpipe.

Sheesh, it's all true and that's only the start of what I remember, think what I have blanked out!

And that ladies and gentlemen is why I love carpark picnics.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

FREE A-Z Of Trumpeting

ARAPTURE - Passing gas at such an high speed that internal Fracking occurs and your legs tremble uncontrollably as you sink to the floor.

BRUMPING - Like a trapped burp this one sits at the edge until it expels with a Floomph, similar to the sound of a gun being muffled by a cushion.

CRICKETTY - Unexpected high volume gas that squeals out in multiples of three and causes insects to reply. e.g. 'I though I was going to Brump but it came out all Cricketty and now I'm surrounded by grasshoppers.'

DUMPLINGTON - The low rumbling sound that precedes an Effinghell. Approximately 2.5 on the Richter scale.

EFFINHELL - A rumbly Dumplington start that increases in speed and pitch that ends in a noise similar to ripping calico. Often heard in toilet cubicles - 'Effinhell mate, are you alright?'

FARTASTIC - A bottom cheer that draws applause and congratulations.

GRUMBLETOOT - An uncomfortable emission that 'flaps' as it erupts and wavers between low and mid tones but also comes with an unpleasant odour. 'You Grumbletoot like that again and I'm putting you outside.'

HARK! - Sounds like a platoon of angels with trumpets has just announced your arrival, finish with a flourish by saying to those around you 'Ta-da!'

INSTRUCTOR - The once in a lifetime passing of gas that surprises you in some way and teaches you something new about your body.

JAMMER - It's there but it won't come out, when it does it has the loudness of a Rasta Ghettoblaster and causes you to have a bit of a boogie in celebration.

KRACKERKNACKER - Often felt when wearing restrictive clothing like a wetsuit. Unable to escape the gas actually comes forward looking for escape holes whilst emitting a sound like Squeee!

LUNGER - The bending of knees to aid release, often suppresses the noise by allowing a bigger release area. Also called the 'Ello, Ello, Ello' after the stance often taken by Policemen of old.

MOOLAH - The noise you make which is a combination of coughing and retching when you walk into a Nastypasty.

NASTYPASTY - Gas created by eating from highstreet sandwich chains every lunchtime. Never much noise when released but has the ability to clear rooms.

OOMPAHPUMPAH - A small annoying trumpet that sounds like a bass drum but brings tears to your eyes and makes your face red.

PRAMWHEELS - High pitched wind that sounds like a squeaky wheel. 'Wow! I have never heard Pramwheeling like that before, do you need stabilisers or a bit of oil?'

Q-CUTTER - A silent emission that has the ability to reduce queues in supermarkets and render small children unconscious.

RECTORCORRECTOR - A small gusty twister that rotates your exit point by 180 degrees and causes you to walk a few paces like you are clutching a thruppenny bit between your cheeks.

SLIPPYSUPPLER - One that doesn't touch the sides but parts the hair of a friend. Also called a Frictionfreefrump.

THE VOICE - Breaking wind on public transport to see who turns around first.

UGG - One that even you are disgusted with causing you to screw up your face and blame the dog.

VICTORIANSHUNTER - A wind so powerful that it threatens to rip the space time continuum and catapult you back a hundred years.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - Like the cracking of a whip it rapports across vast distances often up to two miles away and leaves you with a temporary deafness. 'Did you hear that whippersnapper Mabel? It's made my nose bleed.'

X-FACTORING - A wobbly noise that sounds like a cross between singing and pleading, often brings tears to those around you.

YULETIDER - A most dreadful emission only ever experienced after dinner on Christmas Day when the effect of all the rich food, chocolate, brussels and assorted nuts combine to bring you an absolute duffle coat of a trumpet that sticks to clothing and smothers furniture for several hours.'Jeez, which Yuletider has dropped a blanket? Nobody light a match until I open a window.' Not to be confused with a GHOSTOFCHRISTMASPAST.

ZOINKER - Very flappy and with a tendancy to sound like Scooby Doo trying to say 'Sauasages' to which the correct reply to hearing a ZOINKER is of course 'Groovy'

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Look! It's An Arty Type!

Want to meet a real life artist in captivity? Well this weekend on Saturday 8th November why not come along to Castle Galleries, Bluewater between 1-4pm to meet not just one but two captive artists.

They will arrive in style during the day in a fortified steel cage before being fed on baked beans and tethered for your safety in the gallery. Please note, artists can be incredibly self absorbed and may unwittingly bore you to death or make your ears bleed with their endless talking, approach at your own peril. Please keep all items of clothing, limbs and alcohol away from the artists at all times. Should they lunge for you we have a marksman nearby armed with tranquilliser darts, your safety as always is our concern.

Warning, flowery language may NOT be used at this event. Our captive artists do not respond to words such as 'narratives', 'composition' and other words which may infer formal training. They are commoners from 'Up North and should be treated accordingly. Please take pity on them, stuck in a make believe world of innocence and happiness means they are deluded so go steady and excuse them their eccentricities. Unless of course they lunge at you, then you can beat them with a stick if you please.

Artists like to sign things, it makes them feel important so feel free to bring along anything you want signing. Avoid bringing sharp pens and pencils though, we only allow our artists to have soft tipped stationary for your safety.

Should you arrive early enough feel free to find the mobile artist display in the car park, here you will find our artists tucking into a specially prepared nutritious picnic whilst sat in a car as part of their artists tableaux installation. Please do not bang on the windows as it disturbs their feeding, although feel free to follow the example of a young man in Cardiff who stood for twenty minutes staring intently.

So here's a recap, meet Peter and Jayne our captive artists this Saturday 8th November at Castle Galleries, Bluewater between 1-4pm. All welcome, there will even be golden hares to find and lots of Impossimals too!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

It's Not All Stupid Hats And Pointy Beards

Today is the day we celebrate Guy Fawkes 'having a go' but how much do you really know about the 5th November celebrations?

1) Guy Fawkes was not his real name, it was his stage name for when he liked to dress up in bawdy underwear and strut around Ole London in nothing but his breeches. In 1605 he misheard a conversation in the local public house and believed that under the houses of parliament was barrels of Fun Powder so went to investigate. Records show that he was found stark naked doing something unspeakable with a yard brush whilst emptying barrel after barrel in a quest for Fun Powder.

2) The word firework comes from the Latin word 'fire' and the old English word for work, 'work'. Firework was a job that involved starting fires for a living, one of the most famous fires took place in 1666, called the great fire of London it was started when a baker on Pudding lane left his iPad on charge overnight and a short circuit sparked a small bush fire in his wife's beard. London was destroyed in the fire and they rebuilt it with the help of Nubian slaves that had recently become unemployed after building the fireproof pyramids.

3) The smallest firework ever produced measured .00002mm in length and was lit on the 5th November 2009 by Mr Derrick Onkey of Bradford. The resulting explosion launched Derrick high into the air whilst shouting 'Fracking Hell' coining the now popular craze for Fracking. He landed unharmed in Skegness and was quoted as saying 'What the Fracking hell is this shot hole?' Which we think is to do with the packing cartridge that held the 'shot' in his firework.

4) Sausages are commonly called bangers due to their explosive properties which is why they are kept in fridges at Supermarkets. When you buy a pack of 'bangers' you have exactly sixty minutes until they warm up sufficiently to 'go off'. The worst banger disaster occurred at Sausagefest in Swindon when a two foot long Cumberland burst in a shower of lips, eyes and arseholes splattering sausage goers with meaty rain.

5) Eat a curry and edible glitter for a stunning indoor toilet display the next day.

6) Blackpool was host to the worlds biggest rocket when it erected the Blackpool Tower in 1824. Many attempts have been made to set it off with the hope that it takes Blackpool with it.

7) Popular dishes for November 5th celebrations are mushy peas, hot dogs and bonfire toffee. It wasn't always like this, up until 1979 traditional food included boiled eggs, chocolate dipped brussels and cabbage crisps. November 6th was known as the Big Stink which was moved to December 26th and forms our now traditional Boxing Day.

8) Guy Fawkes came up with the gunpowder plot after receiving his gas and electric bill and finding out that MP's had been secretly claiming for candles on second homes. He also shared a nations notion that all MP's are out of touch with reality and we would all be a lot better off if we could catch all the hot air produced in parliament to use to heat our homes. Oh, he also believed they were all tossers. He was only caught at the last minute because of his evil looking pointed beard and the fact that he was carrying a barrel with the words 'gunpowder' written on it and asked for a match.

9) In firework etiquette it is expected to go 'wow' and 'ooo' for the first few, then go silent for the rest as you realise they are really, really boring despite the packaging promising 'golden showers', 'fairy sprinkles' and 'fiery sparkles' for essentially the same spray of sparks.

10) Stay safe this November 5th, just remember this firework safety rhyme 'There was a bohemian monk, who fell asleep in his bunk, he dreamt that Venus, was sucking his elbow and woke up covered in perspiration'

Unravel

Today marks the start of a long haul; the creation of twelve new Lost Impossimals that will make the collection called Revelations. This will be the biggest and grandest collection yet carrying on the stories and imagination from all the previous Lost Impossimals only with a twist - it will feature augmented reality.

Technology has advanced enough for entire paintings to be virtually tagged so imagine if you will approaching a new Lost Impossimal painting and pointing your smartphone at it, not only will your phone tell you the title but it will automatically give you the story and show you interesting features automatically and virtually. Essentially a small world of information will hover over the painting for you to explore.

Sounds far fetched? Not really, yesterday I tagged items around the house with text and sounds so as I walked around my smartphone highlighted objects and spoke to me. A strange experience but one that is set to become incredibly powerful over the next few years with items like the Occulus Rift and Google Glass, augumented reality is the next logical technology step.

So with that in mind I am building my first gigantic set, a four foot long table on which to host a tea party in the twisted Lost Impossimal version of the Mad Hatters quite peculiar event as you have never seen it before. It will be followed by a trip to the land of Oz, a tour of a curious shop that sells childhood, a carriage gunfight in victorian London and a pitched battle on Tower Bridge for the Whatabanker. All the sets once created will be kept and stored to hopefully go on display later next year along with the new paintings.

To whet your appetite I thought we would pull a short story from the archives that is not on our website, the story of the...

Bored Tiddlyrockers – Arctic, 1881

During our research into the Crystal Tipped Unicone and the Arctic regions Lost Impossimals we came across the old crew roster for the Vigilant, Charles Burroughs charted ship for his 1880-82 expedition to the Arctic Circle. Included in the list is the name Joseph Fincher underlined in red ink with the year 1881 written beside it, a practice normally used when a crew member has gone missing whereabouts unknown. Unusual because Charles does not mention this in his diaries, even more unusual because the disembarkation and paymaster records at the Maritime Institute in Bristol show that when the Vigilant returned Joseph Fincher was onboard. Two other names Milton Bradley and George S Parker are also highlighted, this timewith a small red tick.

We could find no link between the three men until we found a torn note behind the cover of one of Charles diaries. It’s difficult to make out most of it but what we have deciphered is this.

‘...approached. We watched from a distance, they had managed to combat the long days and nights in the region by creating amusement and simple games from a selection of curious shaped objects. They slide along gracefully on curved legs and dine on spongy wrapped rolls full of what looked like our ice cream. These ‘Arctic Rolls’ as we have dubbed them will form part of the collection when we return; if we can we will also manage to bring some of the curious objects along too.

JF.’

It’s not much but we think there was a secret expedition that Charles didn’t write about as we have discovered that all the three men are linked. We believe that all three men bought back with them several objects which were split accordingly, we also believe that Charles was involved but why and what he wished to gain we don’t yet know. Milton Bradley was in the game industry, he had already successfully released The Game of Life in 1860 so if he had heard rumours of the Tiddlyrockers that would have been his reason to jump at the chance to join Charles. Geroge S Parker was a young cabin boy on the expedition, upon his return he immediately and unexpectedly created his own board game, a year later in 1883. he had his own gaming business Parker Brothers. But the lynchpin is Joseph Fincher, he lay dormant for a number of years until 1888 when he filed a patent for Tiddlywinks, one of the games now identified in the Bored Tiddlyrockers painting.

We have a pattern emerging, these groups of people are not here by chance and the more we dig into the files we are uncovering more groups of linked individuals all tied inexplicably to several other Lost Impossimals.

Hold on tight, my minds about to unravel!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Spoil Sport

Over the weekend we visited Cumbria for our appearance at Treeby & Bolton in Keswick, it was a lovely day and a great appearance in such a unique location that we decided to extend our visit by moving on to Windermere for the night. Well it was delightful and we had a nice relaxing night to finish off the day.

The next morning though we were up early and itching to get walking in this incredible area of the country. It's actually where our love of walking first started entirely by chance when we huffed and puffed many unfit years ago up a relatively small incline towards Orrest Head, apparently the first fell that Alfred Wainwright climbed that had such an effect on his life that he wrote an whole chapter about it later. We were unprepared; the climb way back in 2007 seemed hard (it isn't) and the 423 feet seemed on top of the world (it isn't) when we got there expecting nothing more than 'a bit of a view'. Instead we got a stunning 360 degree vista that blew us away, especially when two fighter jets flew some distance beneath us over Ambleside and proceeded to twist and turn through the gorgeous scenery. We stood alone taking in the view, that small walk led us to roam further, something we continue to this day.

So after breakfast we raced up to tackle Orrest Head again, knowing full well it would only take us ten or so minutes to reach the summit and not the forty unfit minutes we managed to trudge up the first time. The views were pretty much the same, a timeless beauty that you could never tire of, we were even lucky enough to have such clear skies this late in the year. Wonderful.

We were not alone this time, being such a small and easily accessible walk we were joined by a number of others eager to take in the view then with all too regular occurance in my life the moment was shattered when some rambling arse decided to regale us with his presence. Now you may not know this but there are three types of walkers; the ones that enjoy it but don't neccesary wear the full equipment like ourselves, we have waterproofs, rucksacks etc but they are of a very inferior brand and we are instantly recognisable because we look either unprepared for a force ten gale with hailstorm and rolling thunder or we don't wear shorts and roll down our socks. There is a multitude of other giveaways we exhibit apparently and we represent every one of them as we are normally sneered at, ignored or in this case trampled around by a group of three obviously experienced walkers. The second type of walker is dangerous enough; the fully prepared spider walker, normally using two sticks, wearing all the right clothing and walking in groups but we had the unfortunate experience of being in the presence of the third and most annoying type, the professional rambler. Fully geared up with a wealth of experience with mouth to match and a knowledge of how to take a leak in a pop bottle a thousand feet up in a snowstorm whilst eating egg sandwiches (you wouldn't believe the amount that eat egg sandwiches BTW) In short an irritating little turd.

He sat directly behind us within irritating distance accompanied by two friends, another borderline professional rambler and a lady who would like to ramble.

We got both barrels.

The views were fantastic, the silence was golden so why on earth did we end up with a booming Brian Blessed impersonator behind us shouting 'IT'S A FULL 360 DEGREE FEAST FOR THE EYES!' Sorry for the capitals but he SHOUTED a lot. 'LOOK! LOOK! YOU WILL NOT SEE A BETTER VIEW IN YOUR LIFE, ITS SPLENDID!' His companions looked and nodded as he shouted again 'IF WORDSWORTH WERE ALIVE TODAY HE WOULD WRITE A POEM ABOUT THIS DAY' then proceeded to mis-shout Wordsworth's 'I wandered lonely as a cloud' which came out including shouts as 'I wondered IF I was A CLOUD...'

OMG FFS

Why does this always happen? Stuck atop a small fell with megaphone man, if he had shouted 'GORDONS ALIVE!' I would have been happy but no, we had to listen after his annoying poem to tales of his exploits on 'YONDER PEAKS'

'...WHEN I CLIMBED OLD SCRUTTOCKS OVER THERE I HAD TO OVERCOME SEVERAL DIFFICULTIES. THE MAP WAS INCORRECT, I HAD TO TAKE A SMALL DEVIATION TO THE RIGHT AND CLIMB 2000 FEET UNAIDED USING NOTHING BUT KNICKER ELASTIC AND A SMALL SAFETY PIN TO SECURE MY ASCENT...'

He went on...

...and on...

'THAT OVER THERE IS PIKE POINT, ITS LIKE HERRING RIDGE BUT NOT AS TALL AS COD CLIMB OR INDEED SALMON SLOPE. EGG SANDWICHES YOU SAY? DON'T MIND IF I DO!'

His companions sat down beside him and dutifully listened; other walkers had appeared, winced at the noise, spent a few minutes taking in the view then unable to put up with the noise any longer threw themselves off the edge in dispair. I was contemplating forming a small gang to tip him over the edge but we too had almost had enough of Mr Boomer booming away, I bet they could hear him miles away like an irritating yodeller. Imagine sitting in a tea room five miles away at the other end of lake Windermere and hearing 'SO I PUT MY FINGER IN THE HOLE AND PULLED MYSELF UP TO THE SURPRISE OF THE SHEEP' coming from nowhere.

Anyway, he made the descent a no brainer when the lady sat between them made the mistake of saying it was like a rose between two thorns to which he boomed 'I HAVE A PRICK?'

No kidding.

Five miles away Mabel turned Harold and slapped him. 'Don't be so disgusting!' She retorted. 'I can't take you anywhere with your potty mouth.'

We left, our timing was impeccable as he rose too and followed us down. Can you believe it? It was like having a radio on behind us tuned to Arsehole FM. I suggested to Jayne that we raced ahead and lay in wait, one good shove should do it but alas we had to listen to Brian Blessed all the way down no matter how far away we managed to scramble. At one point we raced down a wriggly bit only to come face to face with him as he had taken a short cut. How annoying.

Still, we managed to get into a few more typical situations, one including the biggest swan I had ever seen that had taken a shine to my balding head and decided to chase me Benny Hill style whilst also managing to be followed around by security in one small shop because I wasn't dressed like anybody else (i.e. I didn't resemble a walker or shout, although I was accompanied by a swan)

Include the four hour heavy end of school holiday traffic we endured on the way back and the calm peace we had experienced the day before had dissipated quite quickly.

As I got out of the car back home I swear just for an instant that I heard something in the distance. I strained to listen and it was very feint but I eventually heard a voice, it said 'I ONCE SAT BEHIND THIS AMATEUR ON ORREST HEAD, ARTY TYPE HE WAS, ABSOLUTELY UNPREPARED WITH NO EGG SANDWICHES WHATSOEVER!' and my day was complete.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Strictly Halloween Special

Brucie reveals for the first time that the versatile entertainer is the victim of a major haunting at his new million pound mansion and it's driving him to the brink of sanity. 'Strictly Come Dancing give me chance to forget about all the strange goings on, it's only when I return at night that my nightmare starts' said Brucie yesterday. For Brucie is haunted by what experts are calling a catastrophic materialisation of felinity, a full blown spectral emission that causes Brucies new mansion to be visited by cats.

Brucie seen here stood outside his mansion looked petrified when we spoke to him and with good reason for when we developed this picture it revealed a menacing figure looking on from the roof, a spectral tabbykitten, one of the most evil of spirit cat apparitions. Brucie ran inside terrified shortly after this and immediately tripped over his golf bag. Looking shocked we spoke to him later in his lavish lounge.

But as we spoke Brucie turned white and out of the corner of my eye I spied a Polterpussy as it seemingly levitated from the floor and onto the arm of the chair in a strange leaping levitation that has scientists baffled. 'Were totally baffled' said a leading scientist yesterday. Brucie passed out and could only be revived when a young lady rubbed his face with her chest.

As Brucie recovered in his lavish bedroom he told us 'This is where the magic happens' then slowly a 17th century moggie wearing a cravat materialised on the bed, over Brucies shoulder a hairless tom cat loomed into view and a litter of killer kittens shot out from under the bed causing Brucie to run screaming only to lock himself in the lavish bathroom. A ghostly meow was heard from under the door, we burst in and found this.

Two of the cat apparitions were going for Brucies wig, only quick thinking from our crew and Brucies use of strong glue saved him from a rug disaster. Brucie ran from the house and has not been seen since Monday. The mystery of Brucie and his haunted mansion remain that, a mystery. Strange yowling and mewing has been reported late at night, it is still uncertain if Brucie will make this weekends Strictly, we will keep you posted.

Be safe this Halloween and if by any chance you hear a meow from an empty room hold on to your wig, you never know what's out there.

Don't have nightmares!

Yes I know its a cop-out blog post but I have a sniffle and I need all my strength for this weekends appearance at Treeby & Bolton in Keswick this Saturday between 12-3pm, hope to see you there!

Lists

Two days of appearances and Monday found me in Tesco's doing a 'big shop'. Don't know why it's called a big shop it just always has been called it. Anyway, after wrestling with a trolley which when you think about it they are impressive value at £1 each, you can get at least £20 in scrap, I wobbled my way around the shop until something wedged in the corner caught my eye.

It was a shopping list.

I love other peoples shopping lists so I popped it in my pocket for later perusal. Now you are probably thinking that's rather an odd thing to do and I admit it may seem a little strange but dear reader I was thinking only of you for you see other peoples lists are fascinating.

It all starts off quite simply with '2 Case O/J' which shopping list aficionados know is two cartons of orange juice, there is a slight stumble at Weetabix when it's spelt Weetadix but we can skirt around that one especially when my stupid spellchecker does this...

I'm not bloody Gollum so what's with all the 'sss? Anyway, it then gets rather interesting with 'Tin Scetty'. I have walked many miles around Tesco's but not once have I yearned for tinned Scetty, it all sounds rather revolting. I can't even imagine what it should be.

'Whats for tea love?'

'Scetty on toast, is that alright?'

'Not bloody Scetty again, didn't they have any of them Weetadix?'

Look underneath the Tin Scetty, we have a request for All Crisps and Few Biscuits, wow, that leaves it open doesn't it? Is that ALL crisps as in the entire shop? And what are the few biscuits for? Are they going to break open a packet and take just two? I checked people's trolleys as I walked around but failed to find anybody struggling under the weight of ALL crisps and remained disappointed. Anyway it couldn't have been a recent shopper as the crisp aisle was still full.

Straight under that we have the equally mystifying 'Sm b Rolls' followed by 'Picu Cardafe', eventually I worked out that we was in the preserve aisle and that was Pickled Cabbage, it's still a guess but I'm assuming that the next 'B Root' is beet root and not a rough man.

'He was awful, and such a Broot to me Hilda, he had big hands!'

My deciphering skills then took a blow and I need your help, what is 'I Pu Yoes'? No matter which way I read it I cannot make it work, it's between Beetroot and Ham on the list, I doubt they have thrown it in without reason. I was almost tempted to track down a member of staff and pretend it was my list to see them squirm trying to tell me what it was I had written down.

'Yoes?'

'Yes, Yoes, I was hoping you could help me. You know what Yoes are, you beat them with a rolling pin then boil them until they are black. They smell awful but taste like jelly and icecream. I shall be most upset if you tell me you haven't got any left young man.'

Titter worthy but I didn't have the time to engage in Yoe banter with a yoof.

The next entry is probably tricky to get in your basket.

Steam.

Oh well, let's move on shall we. I presume Micro Chas is simply chips and not a miniature member of popular piano duo Chas'n'Dave. The last entry though is a humdinger, it's written a little larger than normal and proudly announces 'Pnant Smirs'. Answers on a postcard please. Anyway, for my blogging pleasure there was a second list in a different hand, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

In my best Sherlock Holmes mode I have skilfully deduced that they forgot frozen peas, bet they could kick themselves. They also have a PC and their printer is faulty and requires cleaning, also they use scissors. Impressed? It helped that on the reverse is the printer test page printout and with the best will in the world you couldn't tear paper that neatly. Anyway, I digress, have you noticed that people write lists according to where they store things? All the fridge stuff is listed together for example just like the previous list. A couple of interesting things caught my eye on this one, firstly 'Mick' wedged between Green OXO and Eggs, lucky old Mick.

'I'll have a pound of Micks please, don't skimp like last time, I had to throw away half a Mick because it went off so quick.'

Cooked Moats is also a favourite and the fact that they are looking for Ariel the Mermaid but my best bit is left till the end.

How fantastic to finish your list with the words Fab Cow.

So thank you for reading today, here is your receipt.

TODAY YOU SAVED £0.00 Bugger All

At Blogging The Impossimal compared to reading at Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury's or Morrisons.

Every fiddle helps.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Cake!

We get to visit some snazzy galleries when we are out and about with the Impossimals and this weekend is no exception with a return visit on Saturday November 1st between 12-4pm to Treeby & Bolton in Keswick, Cumbria. Not only is it a fantastic part of the country to visit but its also quite a unique gallery too with cakes.

Since the 1900’s TREEBY & BOLTON has been a very special china shop and whilst staying true to this tradition of fine china and English pottery, the shop has grown and expanded to provide an inspiring range of beautiful art glass, design -led interiors, kitchenalia and original gift ideas including cakes. Situated downstairs from the gallery is the TREEBY’S GALLERY CAFE, a stylish and contemporary cafe which offers a tempting selection of cakes, light bites and world-class Square Mile coffee. Oh, did I mention cakes?

Come along and join us for the day, the gallery area is a stunning space to work in and Keswick itself has plenty to see and do. We will be around to chat, sign, have coffee, eat cake and do oodles of other wonderful things in such gorgeous surroundings whilst eating cake.

 As you can see the gallery looks fab, especially when eating cake and down those central stairs is this...

 Cake! Cake! and more Cake! Seriously though the food is fab too! Did I mention they do gorgeous cakes?

So if you fancy something different this Saturday and you want to enjoy such fabulous surroundings whilst eating cake then pop along and say hello, we would be thrilled to see you all!

And whilst you are here there is plenty to tempt...including cake!

It's a win, win, simply come along on the day, I'm sure we will be eating cake when you arrive, what could be simpler!

See you on Saturday :)

More details can be found HERE pictures of cake can be found HERE