Grandad Gollum

Hello my preciousss, kill them, we hate them, we mustn't hurt master! We mustn't! I remembersss we were so poorisss thatsss we ussed to eatsies nothing butsis weetabixesss for every mealsiss. Have you everyiss tried to barbecueisss weetabixesss? The resultant fire destroyed a town full of nassty hobbitses.

Back in my daysis we were so poor thatsss we only had a ring for entertainmentiss until those nasty hobbitses tricked ussss, we hate hobbitses, We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! The man who passess the sentancess should swing the swordsss...

Hang on Grandad Gollum, that's my show and you're talking to a King! Give my regards to the Night Watch for its time to use my sword on your mouth of deceit, by morning thou shalt have no hands to walk on and no feet to eat with.

Probably.

Thou doth beseech my kingdom, when you play the game of thrones you win or die or lose something preciousness like this ring.

Thievess! It's preciousss, give me back our ringsss! Kill them! No master! Ssss.

Excuse me Mr G.Ollum and Kingy but I think you will find it's my ring. Allow me to FLIP PIGS introduce my self I am Sister MOTHERLOAFER Marion of the FRIPPING Order of Unsual Outbursts. We lost the CRANBERRY GIRAFFE ring during a SLOTTING PONTOON ceremony for a celebrity singer RUNCKLE REDSKIN songwriter last week.

Why here he is PLUCKINGTON SCREWBALL himself!

I'll second that, allow me to introduce myself, I'm Marry Banilow and I confirm that the ring is Mandies and I Write The Songs that make the whole world sing. You can find me most nights performing at the Copacabana. Oh little ring I Can't Smile Without You!

Ring? What ring? I have only just got up, what day is it?

'What a crap planet' said Flash, 'Two million years of evolution and we have blogs of this quality, it's shameful'

'I couldn't agree more Flash, say is that a can of air freshener you are holding?'

'It certainly is captain, I'll spray some and see if we can get rid of this crap blog shall I'

'Go ahead Flash, spray it and stop this rubbish in it's trac...

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Second Blog Today? How Novel.

A nice day, what could be more refreshing that a quick few miles of aimless strolling. Part of where we both normally walk is a dedicated cycle and pedestrian path split into two of which I have blogged about its strange small and large symbols before. Today though we had a new source of amusement, rudeness.

Strolling along minding our own business when from around a corner probably twenty feet away came a child, probably aged around ten, riding a bike.

He suddenly stopped and with a yawping mouth and angry face raised his finger and shouted 'Those people are in MY way!'

Yes, he actually said MY way.

Let's just describe the scene a little more. We were correctly on the pedestrian side, he was on the pedestrian side too, there were no other obstacles or people for miles and as you can see from the photo above it was quite simple for him to move into the cycle lane where he should have been. Simple? Not quite.

'Get them to move!' He added, shouting over his shoulder whilst still pointing, the child was positively apoplectic with rage. His instruction was shouted at the rest of the family who came into view seconds later. 'They need to move NOW!' he added. Unfortunately the situation was then compounded when 'dad' and I use that term loosely said 'Go and make them move then.' Thanks 'dad' lead by example you stupid oaf.

A ten year old tearing down an empty path shouting 'Get out of my way!' almost busting a blood vessel in the process and cheered on by his family was probably not the best example of modern day parenting. It's hot, it's not my child. We were not in his way in the slightest unless of course it was to move out of the way of his enormous self importance and I don't like frippery of any sort from rude ten year olds whose parents should know better than to egg them on to go forth and carve up pedestrians on deserted paths.

You may have gathered I was a little peeved.

As 'dad' got back up wiping his bloodied nose from the punch I landed, only joking! We both stood our ground on the pedestrian side of the path as the loud mouthed red faced monster approached ramming speed like a crazed jousting participant when at the last minute he veered away into the empty cyclepath and denounced us both as 'wankers'.

Oh my, the rest of the family passed and widened as much as possible (which was easy for them to do believe me) to force us into the edge of the twelve foot wide path, each giving us evils for not stepping into the grass verge so their feral son could use his bike without encumberment and allowing their scruffy dog to have a passing sniff.

I looked at Jayne and shrugged, 'Did you know' I said cheerily, 'That we are both wankers?'.

'I knew that already' said Jayne 'But forgot to tell you.'

We both turned turned to watch them walk and ride away only to get what I assume was the result of many years of sensible, well balanced family life; a two fingered salute from the mother.

Charming.

And that's why there's a second blog today.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink

Take our psychological profiling test to find out what drink are you.

I am...

A) Outgoing

B) Loud

C) Rude

D) Polite

After a night on the lash I like to have for breakfast...

A) A Frothy Mocca Latte Frapachino

B) A fry up with bacon buttie sandwiches

C) Last nights pizza. Cold.

D) Cereal and a glass of milk to rehydrate

On my way home after a heavy night I like to...

A) Ride in a supermarket trolley and take home a road cone as a momento

B) Sing at the top of my voice before dropping to the floor like a sack of spuds which I repeat until I reach my front door

C) Uncontrollably urinate in public places, shout and leave behind multicolour yawns on the pavement before pushing infront of a taxi rank queue and starting a fight

D) Climb in to the pre-ordered taxi before I get too drunk, after all I don't want to wake up with a headache as I have Yoga tomorrow

As a night out treat you pop into the local chip shop and order...

A) A kebab

B) A kebab and chips with plenty of Mayo

C) Chips, pie, peas, kebab meat, mayo, gravy and a buttered cob so you can eat half and spread the other half down the side of a bus shelter

D) Nothing as I realise I have entered the wrong shop and was looking for the place that sold natural orange juice

Last orders is called, what do you do?

A) Consider having a top up

B) Have a top up

C) Order as many drinks as you can comfortably carry and then some

D) Make your excuses that you have to go and hurry to your pre-ordered taxi

RESULTS

Mostly A's

You are Vodka the choice of confident people who like to have fun. Behind the scenes it's a different matter as you have a tendency to hide Vodka everywhere so you can have a quick 'nip' minimising the risk of detection due to its easily coverable odour. Vodka is confidence fuel and you know it, drinking at work has become the norm, drinking at home has become part of your day.

Mostly B's

You are lager, your beer belly hangs below your knees and pints with the lads is your weekend. Your ability to not break the seal ( do five pints without going to the loo ) is legendary and your mates call you Big Dave. Your interests include football, football and ocassionally football. You like football but think they are all overpaid. A scale model of the Eiffel Tower made out of lager cans stands in your living room.

Mostly C's

What an absolute p***head are you! You are wine and your tawdry habit makes you an absolute uncultured slob with your posh this and posh that. Everyone knows when you've been at the bottle as you start to point with your glass and talk very loudly. You don't know your Pinot from your Grigio but take delight in pinching up and down the wine alley at the supermarket pretending you do and secretly laughing when somebody picks up the wine from slimming world. You have a nose for wine, it's shaped like a corkscrew.

Mostly D's

You are BORING and only drink milk or something, lighten up a little, get a few shots down your neck and you might be interesting. Drink Pernod for personality, Whisky to get frisky and again to make you sin. Loser!

N.B.All results are compiled by www.whataloadofcobblers.com and are completely accurate to within 0.000001% of accuracy

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Update!

A bit of an update today to bring you up to speed with all the developments in the world of the Impossimals. Firstly all the latest Impossimal paintings and oil sketches should just be filtering out the galleries by the end of this week. It's an assorted bunch of around twenty nine items including originals and oil sketches of varying sizes. A selection has been made on what will be the next Impossimal limited editions from these originals and they will be published early in September followed by...

...possibly double appearances at selected galleries as Jayne, the better half of the Impossimals, joins Washington Green and launches her stunning ceramic and metal wildlife original only artwork into the galleries too. Full details still to be worked out over the next few months.

Meanwhile in the studio which is now split in two a la Steptoe and Son's classic episode we are both beavering away working on the 2015 releases. It's so strange to always work a year ahead but there are some classic Impossimals on the way including three new sculptures, the first in three years.

By November we will both be switching over to work on Revelations, the third instalment of the Lost Impossimals. A wilder ride than before with solutions, stories and a new chapter to solve that uses some of the latest technology literally embedded in the paintings...

Don't forget all the latest information can be found on our website at www.petersmithcollective.co.uk along with our collectable areas, best of the blog, full release history and much, much more. Join us also on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest or add us as a friend on Facebook by clicking on the links from the website. The World Of Impossimals also has a Facebook page, simply click on www.facebook.com/Impossimals to find us with a glimpse everyday into the sketches, paintings, stories and behind the scenes footage from the Impossimal world.

Exciting!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Alibaabaablacksheep

Somewhere out in Alibaabaa land is the Mystical Can Of Pledges, a magical can that once pressed cleans wooden furniture leaving a pleasant aroma and causes the genie of the can to appear to the lucky holder every three presses, a genie of extraordinary powers and troublesome hearing problems.

Arthur Crimblecock was down on his luck, not only had he lost a fortune betting on snail racing but he had also invested his last £2 on a secondhand table that he though may be a Chippendale, the fabled old master of furniture making. If it proved genuine it would be worth thousands. Taking the can of pledge from under the kitchen sink he sprays the top of the table.

PoooF!

Suddenly a two foot slipper footed glove wearing genie of the Pledge Can appears.

"Welcome, I am the genie of the Pledge Can and you the holder are my master and I grant you three wishes, I'm also hard of hearing so you will have to shout up a little. What is your first wish my new master?"

"Well I never!" Exclaimed Arthur, "Are you really a genie?"

"A girly meanie? Oh no, I'm not a girl or a meanie, I'm a genie silly. What can I do for you oh master?"

"I have three wishes you say?"

"Wash the dishes, ok? It's unsual and a bit of a waste but here goes, shazam, the dishes are washed. You have two wishes left."

"You're joking!"

"I'm not choking at all, in fact I can breathe quite easily. You are confusing, speak clearly it sounds like you're mumbling."

"I wish I hadn't wished for the first wish and had all my wishes back!"

"Wow, that's different. It is done."

"It's done? You have undone the first wish?"

"Yes, you have one wish left."

"Woah! I asked for all my wished back!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes I bloody well did!"

"Let me check...ahh, my bad."

"What is it?"

"You mumbled."

"And?"

"You said I wish I hadn't washed the first dish and had all my dishes back. You meant wishes didn't you?"

"I said bloody wishes not dishes you clown!"

"Is that a wish?"

"Is what a wish?"

"To study fishes not dishes?"

"Oh god, this is a nightmare, listen carefully please!'

"Is that a wish?"

"What?"

"A light chair, glistening Caerphilly cheese? Sounds more like a shopping list to me. Not quite sure how to make cheese glisten though."

"Stop, stop now! I have one more wish please don't muck it up! Are you ready?"

"I'm all ears."

Loads of money, a expensive cottage in the country and a class Lamborghini.

"Your wish is granted."

"Well, where is everything?"

"It's outside. Next to the sausage."

"What sausage?

"The offensive one just as you wished for."

"What have you done!"

"As you wished master; loafs, monkeys, an offensive sausage and a glass of Limbrini. I didn't know what type of loaves or monkeys so you got crusty white and Pygmy marmosettes. I believe my job here is done."

"Bugger!"

"Say, did you hear that mouse fart just then?"

'Sod off genie!"

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Back To The Fewture

My name is Alexander Flemming and I did not write the James Bond novels. I'm here today to talk to you about liquorice wheels such as the ones in front of me here. Liquorice wheels are only one of the new inventions that will change the way we live forever so join me on a journey of discovery as we view tomorrow's world.

By the time you have read this paragraph you could have been launched into town or even to the moon with the new bus service from Stagecoach that uses rockets! Already bus stops up and down the country are being converted to launch pads to form a global network of rocket travel. Imagine stepping from your door to a handy convenient local rocket pad and catching the next rocket to work, no more sitting next to that odourous gentleman with the stinky feet, no more passing pleasantries with strangers, no, you will be strapped in and shot off at speeds in excess of 100,000mph which means will be at work before you left the day before! Frightful day trips to resorts like Skegness will be a thing of the past, why go there when you could go to Blackpool...on the moon!

A new high speed rail link will join Birmingham with London using the latest in steam technology with, guess what, another rocket. This time it's called the rocket but it's not a rocket, it's a chuffing chuff chuff with wheels that go round and round. Dizzying speeds of 15mph have been suggested which may require special headgear and oxygen masks for all passengers. Testing is still underway after boiler number six exploded and we ended up with Milton Keynes.

Advances in new plastics such as the Naffaterium, a lightweight plastic that is virtually indestructible will enable mass production of cheap toys and hideous dolls. Eventually this plastic will do away with the need for toys by producing plastic children! Yes, real plastic children! No fuss, no feeding, no noise, no pestering, no nothing! Of course the downside is that the human race will cease to exist but hey, it's progress and we don't want to stand in the way of that do we you Luddites.

In the future we will all eat like this, specially chemically manufactured globs of nutritional goodness giving you all you need in one healthy lump. We at the Food Understanding Cooking Kitchen with our awkward abbreviated name would like to inform you that all our products undergo the strictest testing of food stuffs anywhere. After all, if it's good enough for dogs it's good enough for you which is why instead of producing lots of different ranges of food we have streamlined the process to bring you Pedigree Mum, food specially designed for the whole family, pets included! One complete meal tin will feed a family of four, two cocker spaniels and a small dachshund called Colin for a week. Amazing! It's the future, just like garlic bread.

We hope you enjoyed our glimpse into the Fewture, more revelations tomorrow when we reveal that dogs can read, cats gossip and doorbells are like barking for houses all from my plush padded accommodation provided I can get these arms up strapped from my back.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Sunny Bunny

This bit of warm weather has bought out the best in Bunnyopolis as Aaran, Iona and Jura enjoy longer times outdoors pottering about and finding innovative ways to keep cool. Jura prefers the victorian chimney pot whilst Iona will seek shade under a bench. Aaran on the other hand retreats inside to settle under a step, occasionally though they will all come together and settle on their vet bed, a special piece of pet friendly fabric just inside Bunnyopolis's doorway as it's perfect shade shelter and cooler than anywhere else thanks to two fans that circulate the air.

The garden seems to have come alive as the vegetable beds start to produce edible things. We have already had one flush of carrots and the second batch is coming along a treat. With onions, parsnips and sweet corn in one bed and cabbages, broccoli in another we should have plenty to keep us going whilst the carrots keep the bunnies happy. Tomatoes, chillies, peppers and cucumbers fill the green house whilst three buckets in a corner of the garden are full of peas, beans and a favourite sweet smelling flower of ours, the sweet pea.

In one part of Bunnyopolis Jayne has created a new section specifically to attract butterflies with its large buddleia plant, unfortunately it's also excellent foodstuff for bunnies so has to be well protected with a wire mesh. Only last night they found how to breach it; if all three of them lean against it the combined weight of four stone of bunnies manage to bend the wire enough for a few random chomps on overhanging leaves. We don't mind, they keep it trim for us.

Two apple trees stand proudly in Bunnyopolis and this year they are full of fruit, the recent stormy weather though has shaken a few windfalls off so we have to be quick to gather them all up before Iona who is always on patrol for free food hoovers them up.

So life is relaxed at Bunnyopolis this time of year with an abundance of produce just around the corner and three happy bunnies enjoying the weather.

Bliss.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Here Comes The Shun

OFFICIAL ADVICE DURING THIS EXCEPTIONAL HEATWAVE

The Met Office has issued the following advice after forecasting a massive heat wave to hit the UK today and would like to clarify that when they said heat wave they really meant warm drizzle and over cast skies, sorry about that.

General Advice

WARNING This IS Summer, no more warnings will be given. This years Summer will start at 11:30am on the 18th July and will last approximately three hours, Summer will end with thunderbolts and lightening. All very, very frightening.

KEEP COOL - Wear shades whenever possible and pretend to be the Fonz, say Heyyyyyyy a lot and give a thumbs up to strangers.

DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS - Beer is an excellent choice as it can be combined with barbecues and red meat during the sickie you pulled to enjoy the weather.

WEAR SUNSCREEN - Sunscreens can be made out of an old clothes horse and a blanket. Simply staple the blanket to the wooden frame, cut out two arm holes and slip it on. Choose a striped blanket for a slimmer look.

IMPORTANT - Now is the time to wear skimpy inappropriate clothes that expose far too much flesh.

THINGS TO NOTE - That strange light in the sky is called a sun, feel free to point it out to friends and strangers with a stick if you like. Do not stare directly into the Sun, it's a crap newspaper full of gossip and tits.

ADVICE FOR DOGS

Pant furiously and don't lick lamposts, they will be hot.

Drink plenty of water whilst making as bigger slobbering sound as possible.

Try to eat any water coming from a hosepipe.

Sleep in shade, poop in full sun for maximum aroma benefits preferably near humans eating.

ADVICE FOR CATS

Mewl a lot for attention, when you get it show them your butt and walk away.

Avoid milk, it may have gone off, instead stand beside your bowl meowing until you get attention. Once it's refilled ignore it and walk away.

Randomly run into a room and back out again to make them think you have sunstroke.

Meow for a stroke, when being stroked meow that special 'don't touch me I'm hot' meow and claw your stroker.

Hide in bushes and meow at strangers.

Sleep.

ADVICE FOR GIRAFFES

Keep out of the sun, you are closer to the sun than anyone else so wear a hat and glasses.

Beware of overheated lions.

ADVICE FOR CLOWNS

Stop being a clown you're not even funny.

ADVICE FOR COWBOYS

Keep hydrated with plenty of beans, use the resulting wind to cool each other down.

Advise town planners to make towns bigger so both of you can live there.

Saloon doors are for saloons, do not fit them to your house front door as they offer no protection from tumbleweed and outlaws.

ADVICE FOR TALENT SHOW WANNABEES

Rehearse your sob stories beforehand, nobody wants to hear an unrehearsed bit of misery.

Try to gain an injury before attending the auditions for extra sympathy.

ADVICE FOR BANKS, BUILDING SOCIETIES AND INSURANCE COMPANIES

Stop making me change my policies every few years when your products change and charging me for the privilege.

Smile when I come into a high street branch instead of looking like it's the end of the world and I'm an annoying inconvenience to your day.

ADVICE FOR TRADESMEN WHO VISIT MY HOUSE

It's not your house so stop lounging on my furniture and walking into rooms that are completely irrelevant to the job you are doing.

Everyone is not your mate that you will see later.

Be professional, don't tell me that you might get some work done today as long as there's nothing on Sky Sports.

I don't want to hear your exploits from the night before, I certainly don't want to hear the sordid bits either as you speak to your mates on your mobile.

ADVICE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE

Don't fix a complaint by doing something that gives mea bigger reason to complain again.

ADVICE FOR LIGHT AIRCRAFT

Don't circle my house for six hours whilst you build up your flight hours, you may find it fun but to us below it's like having a fly that you cannot swat that every five minutes uses a loudhailer to increase it's buzzing sound.

Twenty six planes directly overhead in one day is more than enough thankyou.

ADVICE FOR BLOG WRITERS

Always know when to stop.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Whimper!

Those don't look right said Jayne, you can see them a mile off. Jayne was of course referring to what I had been ignoring for some time, a profusion of half grey eyebrow hairs. It makes me look distinguished I said, a sort of poor mans Sean Connery I tentatively suggested knowing full well that with my thinning pate, near bifocal requiring vision and a profusion of hair in places I never thought imaginable was indeed my brain buckling at the thought of growing old.

It's not something I have ever really thought of, I suppose it's to do with not having the pointers along the way. Having met Jayne over thirty years ago that has simply been my life, no relationships to mark the passage of time, no children to watch growing up, only great memories that blur into one happy time. Life as an artist compounds this, we don't have a set working day anymore just a continuing studio time that spans seven days a week and ignores trivialities like bank holidays and such interspersed with sojourns out of the studio occasional. Instead it's a flexible existence that bends around how we work not shapes it in an environment that is pleasing and that is again what makes me forget just how old I am.

Let's see just how ancient I am.

47 years 0 months 13 days

or 564 months 13 days

or 2454 weeks 2 days

or 17,180 days

or 412,320 hours

or 24,739,200 minutes

or 1,484,352,000 seconds

Now I look at those figures and think wow, you should be a dad dancing old fuddy duddy but I look in the mirror and still think I am in my thirties, then I see the grey hairs in my eyebrows with three little hairs in particular waving at me and I scowl, scowl at the thought of getting old. All I see is Zimmer frames and thick glasses, advertisements for commodes and funeral arrangements all with the promise of a free Parker pen. (A Parker pen you say? Well, sign me up right away young man!) So in an effort to stave off the advancing years I foolishly let Jayne pluck them out after she assured me it wouldn't hurt a bit which is a bit like saying fire dosen't burn and water isn't wet.

Jayne restrained me. I'll say it again, restrained me.

Jayne it seems turns into a maniac when plucking hairs off her husband and gains superhuman powers that allows her to pin me down and I mean really pin me down. It's all fun and games until the first hair gets plucked and you start to flail in agony. For some strange reason as each hair is pulled Jayne smiles a peculiar smile and snaps her mouth with a chomping sound exactly at the moment she knows when the pain will hit. Any attempt for me to get up ends with being forcibly shoved back into place and the plucking abuse continues.

And you do this to yourself? I whimpered wiping tears from my eyes. Pain is not my strong point you see dear blog which stems from a disasterous operation many years ago on my nose that started with an accidental overdose from a nurse knocking me out for two days followed by a recovery that I was assured by the doctor would restore some of my sense of smell. Or as it put it, once it's been operated on the plugs will come out like greased pigs and you will be back to normal. I didn't like the greased pigs analogy and true to form they did come out like greased pigs.

Unexpectedly and quite boisterous if I remember issuing blood from my nose lavishly over three beds and patients on the ward. Nurses feverishly trying to stuff them back up whilst I sat there nearly passing out from the pain and looking like something from the Exorcist, I'm surprised my head didn't rotate at the same time. The upshot is that after the operation which restored no extra sense of smell I can now spray water from my tear ducts on demand just like the water jets on your car windscreen. How novel.

The offending hairs are gone and my youth is restored.

Until the next time said Jayne with a peculiar smile.

Whimper!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Blogbuster XXX

During the writing of today's blog the reader should be aware that a number of errors have been made, please refer below to avoid confusion.

Paragraph 3 line 6
It's should read 'Before removing clothes make sure you have enough Dairy Lea in the fridge'

Paragraph 5 line 22
Add 'then carefully insert your sausage watching you don't hit the sides.'

Page 5
There is no page 5, instead refer to page 5.

Thankyou for you attention, please read on.

DO IT YOURSELF BLOCKBUSTER

For this you will need a video camera, some recording equipment like a tape deck and access to a few actors. These can be found at theatres and celebrity events. Be careful, some act but cannot act whilst others are talentless, choose your actors carefully. If they are more renowned for singing they are not actors and should be avoided if possible.

Find a place to film, it's going to take a while to complete so make sure it's something that you can return to every day. Location is key, so if you choose something like a bus stop or a telephone booth to film in make sure that it's in an exotic location like Rochdale or Hull to add a bit of glamour.

Take care of your actors and crew by providing a craft service. Although this normally means laying on a good spread of food be a little different and offer your actors and crew the chance to take up a new craft like needle pointing and clay pot throwing, I'm sure they will love the difference.

Writers and art directors should also be avoided, they are unnecessary flouncy people that will interfere with your creation. Artists especially should be avoided and added to the problem actors pile along with anybody who writes, especially if they write a blog.

Buy yourself one of those foldy directors chairs and have your name stencilled on the back and you are ready!

SCRIPTS

A good script is key to a blockbuster, the back of cigarette packets make excellent places to scribble down scripts as do fluorescent post-it notes. Write any dialogue for your actors on the back of their hands, it avoids the problem of script learning and they can turn up on the day and learn 'on the fly' as the call it in luvvie land.

To help you with your script here's a few Joyce and Stan based examples to copy and paste into your own work.

COMEDY

Joyce works at a fish and chip shop when in walks Stan looking for something for his supper. Stan orders fish, chips and a battered saveloy. Confusion abounds when Joyce offers him a battered beefburger instead. They both laugh.

WHY DOES THIS WORK?

This scene is an excellent example of placing the viewer in a COMMON situation, expand on this to fill two hours of footage and you will have a winner.

ACTION

Stan is at the top a ladder cleaning his windows, Joyce is a passerby and inadvertantly walks UNDER the ladder. Stan in surprise drops his bucket. It misses Joyce by inches and Stan shouts down 'Sorry Love'

WHY DOES THIS WORK?

The inclusion of DRAMA as the bucket falls causes TENSION in the audience and pretty soon they will be on the edge of their seats. Pad out with two hours of extra footage and you have a winner.

ROMANCE

Joyce works on a vegetable market stall and is unpacking a consignment of melons. Stan acts as a customer and points at two of the melons. 'Nice pair' says Stan. Joyce blushes and says 'Thankyou, they are very firm'. Stan smiles and licks his lips.

WHY DOES THIS WORK

When two people meet for the very first time it can be a DRAMATIC moment filled with HOPES and DREAMS. Filmgoers are used to high romantic drama like this so will key into its premise straight away. Add in plenty of shots of the area and concentrate on close ups for two hours and you have a winner.

SEQUEL

Take any film and shoot a sequel, be it number 2,3,4 or even 7!

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

Filmgoers are SUCKERS for a sequel, the more you can get away with the better and just when you think you have done enough sequels make a PREQUEL, gets them everytime.

ENDING

Make sure your film has killer ending that is completely unexpected, if it's a love story kill all the characters off with a freak meteor shower. If it's a horror story get the killer to suddenly recant their ways and marry the lead actor. For adult films let the plumber fix the sink for once. For Inception type of films simply loop the film around again so it restarts without anyone knowing, you can keep them in the cinema for days. Don't forget endings can also ruin films, take Titanic for example; it had Leonardo DeCaprio in it.

Well done, you should now be armed with enough insider knowledge to crack Hollywood, all you need now is finance. Approach your friendly bank manager who should be more than happy to help you to the tune of a few million, after all they made enough from the undervalued Post Office sale.

Congratulations you are now fully conversant in 'Filmology' buy yourself a big fat cigar to celebrate your good fortune.

Ready, steady, action! (Feel free to use this, it signifies that something is ready for action and is 'film' speak)

Other useful words for the film industry

CAMERA GRIP (wannabe actor)

FLUFFER (failed actor)

RUNNER (failed actor)

A TARENTINO (a swearing potty mouth failed actor)

FOP (failed actor)

PROP (failed actor)

EXTRA (failed actor)

A SPIELBERG (they look like ET and that's why they are a failed actor, Gail Tilsley)

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Psychic Hedgehogs

Today we at Ghost Post chat to Psychic Medium Derek Accordian about his close affinity with the spirits and his battle to educate the public on the ghosts of food.

Morning Derek, you are a popular television personality and renowned psychic known to hundreds of viewers worldwide can you tell us when you knew you were able to talk to the spirit world?

Ahh, yes, I remember it well. I was fifteen when I heard a voice coming from a little cabinet my mother had bought from an antique shop. It was calling to me and being a curious child I wondered what it was, I wasn't scared you see, just curious. I opened the cabinet and found nothing just a lot of bottles as I remember. Then for the corner came a voice, faint at first but I was sure it was calling out my name. I of course replied back and found out the voice was coming from Gordon, apparently he was trapped in a bottle along with his friend that had the unusual nickname of Bells. I deduced correctly that the only way to release them was to drain the bottles.

Several days later I awoke semi naked with my pants on my head, apparently I had been overcome by the spirits who had entered me, possessed if you like. From there on I could talk to the spirits and regularly released them from bottles. Sometimes I would get thrown out of supermarkets after draining several bottles that had trapped spirits in them. Over the years I have helped many spirits find freedom through possession of my body, the downside is I always feel rough the day after but that's the price you pay for talking to the spirit world.

OK...who would you say is the most famous spirit you have spoken to?

That would be Jack Dee

But Jack Dee is still very much alive.

Is he? Oh, it's Jack something... Ahh, got it. Jack Daniels.

Jack Daniels?

Yes, Jack Daniels, I had to drain a whole barrel of the stuff before I could talk to him.

Talk to him? What did he say?

I don't know, he sounded drunk. Say, this room looks like it's tipped over.

Do you want any help getting up?

No fanks, I'm okaysh.

Did, err, Jack tell you anything?

No, secretly I think he drinks, you know, a likkle tipply now and then. He was not a patch on that Russian guy, you know, the famous one from that Boney M&M song.

You mean Rasputin?

Yeah, that's the guy, do you know what his first name is?

No, what is it?

Smirnoff, Smirnoff Rasputin, I found him trapped in Lidl although by then he had dropped his last name because of all the bad press from that song. I smuggled him out under my coat and released him from his bottle behind the bins. I wrapped the bottle in brown paper for protection first, I don't remember much after that apart from the singing and squat thrusting.

Seriously Derek, are you making all this up?

Honestly, it all happened I fink, only this morning I freed Baileys and Archers, here, these are the very bottles that held them.

They are not spirits Derek, they are liqueurs.

Liqueurs? Why the devious devils, they speaketh in tongues to befuzzle me, I am Derek Accordian, side kick to the stars, televisions most famous sidekick. Where's my agent, I want more money.

I think you better leave Derek.

NOOO, let me show you. I'll talk to one now. Hang on. Spirits oh spirits, is there anyone there? Yes? Yes! I hear you oh spirit. Ohh, we have got a famous one!

Ok... What did they say?

Woof

Woof?

Yes, it's Lassie.

One last chance Derek, forget the spirits for a while tell us about the ghosts of food.

You know when you get wind and let out a little trump?

Yes...

Well that's the ghost of the food you ate communicating with you. The tone and pitch denotes it's feelings. If it's a high pitched dog whistle of a trump then it's in pain, if it a a low key knee trembler then it's angry you ate them. Trumps are their last taste of this world, you can always tell you have been visited by one.

How?

The smell. An unearthly aroma they leave behind, it's ungodly. It hangs around and clings to your clothes, run out of the room and it will follow you. The only way to get rid of them is to flap a newspaper around or open a window to let the find their final resting place. Don't believe me? Well you can make them take full physical form using only a lit match. First bend over and strike the match, then you...

How fascinating, well I have certainly learned something today folks. Should you wish to create your own full on level three spirit entity manifestation using only a lit match and cabbage juice then you will find all the details on Derek's website www.sadpsychics.org/talkingtrumps.html

Tomorrow how to predict the future using boiled eggs and a look at Psychic Hats, fashionable headwear that allows anyone to communicate with the other side only from top fashion house Thomas Watts.

Watch out for the latest issue, it's full of T.W.Hats.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Hi, My Name Is Victor And I Don't Believe It

What does a vacuum cleaner, a patio door, an iPod, my PC, Jaynes Laptop and the electricity supply have in common? Absolutely nothing apart from the fact that yesterday they all featured in expensive or annoying problems. A continuing theme at the moment with a swathe of things going wrong, you won't believe all this happened in one day.

Let's start with the annoying stuff, my PC. After displaying no problems for many a month it decided to go on the fritz and no longer display flash content and to also decide my virus killers registration code was incorrect. Annoying at the best of times and spending a pointless hour getting everything running again didn't set me up for the day of days. Within seconds of fixing my PC Jaynes laptop broke. Bugger. The display had gone completely, a second monitor helped but it looks like the laptop was on its last legs. I pressed the on button on the newly installed monitor and it popped out. No really, it popped out spring and all, I don't believe it! Cue expense and so the tally started...

£400 at least for the laptop and a bit for a new monitor, oh hum.

I tell you what, I'll go to the studio and pop some music on. Wrong! Mr iPod decided that today it was going to bugger around with the volume control, one second it was at full volume the next it was a mouses fart. Barely audible but faintly annoying. I left the studio and made my way back to the house when it decided to wrench the volume up to nose bleed levels. Well, I nearly fell to my knees as I threw off my wireless headphones then nearly threw a wobbly in a fit of petulance. Needless to say a lot of messing about later I had sorted it and went back to the studio.

Oooooooeeeeeeeee!!!! BANG!

'I don't recognise that bit on the song' I though to myself then realised that the noise had come from the house. I removed my headphones and ran back to the house only to find Jayne wide eyed and covered in a black powder, in her hand was the remains of the vacuum cleaner, an acrid smell hung in the air. Dust had launched itself liberally over everything in the house whilst the motor in the vacuum cleaner had decided it had had enough of sucking and decided to blow instead. The vacuum cleaner lay in three pieces, Jayne walked away carrying the handle to it whilst the rest of the cleaner remained on the floor such was the explosion.

Oh my.

£400 & a bit + £300'ish?

We cleaned up the mess and decided to open the patio doors to let a bit of a breeze through. The patio door is of the sliding variety, very heavy duty as it pulls out of the door frame then slides to one side although this time it seemed to be jammed as I pulled it.

Then I found out why.

The whole bloody door came off as I pulled, no really, the whole thing come away from itself accompanied with a pinging sound as the metal tracks irreparably snapped. As it started to fall I tried to catch its weight, unfortunately it's a lot heavier than I thought and it pushed me backwards and into the side of an armchair where it proceeded to pin me down bent over the arm backwards like some crap crab. I yelped and Jayne come rushing in fresh from her explosive cleaning tasks to find her husband pulling squished faces through the glass.

'Geeht thhhes orrfff' I said, for the door had conveniently pinned my face down sideways too, you know the face, same as the ones where you suck your cheeks in and pucker your lips. It took both of us to lift it back up, the patio door was absolutely knackered, with no warning at all to its instability it had managed to snap every bracket and track metal work in one go. There is no choice, it's a replacement for the door and frame, a big job too. I bolted the door back in place and made it secure then went back to my tally for the day.

£400 & a bit + £300'ish + £lotsandlots = No life only work.

Now this you will not believe, I went back to the studio and sat down. The stool I use had worked a few screws loose on one side and today was the day it decided to shed a leg. Picking myself up I kicked the stool. Then went outside and kicked the remains of the vacuum cleaner around the garden. It didn't make me feel any better.

Not to worry, I'll settle down and maybe watch one of those new Come Dine With Me Couples programs on the television. Ahh, that's better.

Plink!

I don't goddam buggering believe it! The electrics tripped! It's like being a sodding real life Victor Meldrew! All I need now is the bathtub to crash through the ceiling and the front door to pop off clown car fashion. Oh, and whilst we are at it get a rambling club to trample through my garden, crash a car through the wall of my living room and get a passing drunk to urinate through my letterbox. Honestly, what a flip flippety flipper of a mother flipping day.

It's like living in a bloody sitcom, two days ago I got stuck down a country lane when an articulated lorry decided to try to turn around in a space that even a mini would have trouble turning in, that was compounded when a cycle club came careering through and surrounded our car. Later that day we had nearly completed a six mile walk and was on the last country lane bit that was quite narrow when around the corner came a tractor, a tractor with a wide cutting blade attachment at the back that barely fitted down the lane. We were the only ones there and the tractor had no inclination to stop. Like a poor Indiana Jones trap we had to take off our rucksacks and press ourselves against a high hedge so it could pass with only centimetres between the blades and it spilling the contents of our lunch with a quick slash to the stomach. The farmer never looked up.

It carried on. Getting to the end of the walk we spied a ice cream van and ordered two ninety-nines to celebrate not being cut in two only to be asked to pay an extra 30p each on top of the advertised ninety-nine price because they had a flake in them. Of course they have a bloody flake in them, they are ninety-nines for god sake! In small writing away from the ninety-nine price was a short bit of text, flake not included 30p extra. Ninety-nines in this particular corner of hell just refers to a scoop on a cone, I should have guessed. Stupid me. Anyway, I'm so used to it now that even when the phone rings or the mail arrives I greet it with 'I wonder what fresh hell this is today?'

Wine, I need wine. Ahh, bottle of cheap Cava come to daddy on this trying day.

Pop!

'What did you do?' asked Jayne as I sat repairing my spectacles the cork had broken after leaving a red mark above my left eye.

I don't believe it!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Old Fuddy Duddy

One thing I have always taken for granted is the ability to take broken things apart and put them back together again working, something stemming from my childhood borderline obsessional habit of finding out how things work. Over the years this skill has come in remarkably useful, mending everything from vacuum cleaners to washing machines, computers to portable radios. To help I started a spares box many, many years ago that now contains everything from Cat-5 cables to Jack plugs and weirdly aerial connection boxes even though I don't remember ever plying my trade as a television aerial installer and a myriad of power supplies. The picture above is taken from my spares box, as you can see it's pretty full.

The problem is that items are becoming increasingly difficult to fix. Not because they are more technical in many cases but because they are becoming more willing to force you to throw it away rather than attempt a repair. I noticed this happening way back in the late eighties during the computer boom. A popular computer at the time came with a power supply that resembled a cream housebrick. It hummed and was prone to failing if it overheated, it used to be such a common occurances that the computer store I worked at carried a large amount of replacement ones for purchase until of course we took it to bits. Inside tucked away in one corner was a second fuse and it was this that was prone to blowing. Once this was found out then all they had to carry was a supply of fuses to fix the problem.

Sales of the replacement power supplies went down and it became increasingly rare to have to replace the whole thing, I can only assume that many people found the same solution because the computer manufacturer changed the power supply. It was just as unreliable only this time the inside casing was encased in pitch, a black solid substance rendering repair impossible, if the fuse blew it was a £29 replacement. It was the first time I had come across such repair sabotage but alas it's almost routine with today's electrical goods.

This morning I had to use my spares box to replace a jack plug in a faulty wireless transmitter that we use to broadcast wireless music to the studio. It's only a cheap £30 thing but to throw it away for the cost of a 50p Jack plug replacement is silly. Out came the box and a suitable plug found, I started to strip away the faulty jack plug casing, always a crap task as they are tightly secured moulded plastic. Inside there should be two or three wires, one for the centre of the jack plug (white) , the second (red) for the outside and the third (lots of fiddly copper strands) if there is one to earth it all.

Nothing. Nothing that is apart from a small tube of pitch, the wretched hard black stuff which was encasing all the wires. It was this that had cracked and caused the fault but it was also this that was placed in there to stop a repair and as the manufacturer would explain it was there to stop exactly this type of fault happening in the first place. Both fault and solution and now a problem for a repair. It took me a good ten minutes of carefully clipping and poking to remove enough to expose the wires, a couple of bits of solder and it was repaired.

Now for such an easy repair I can imagine most people would throw it away and replace it especially if they tried and came across the pitch seal and it's this that manufacturers rely on. Remember the power supply from earlier? Well earlier last week I had a speaker system stop working, it had its own power supply so the first thing I checked was the fuse in the plug. It was fine, tracing the route of the power I dismantled the entry point and found a fuse had blown. I had a replacement, it was exactly the same fuse in the same position with the same vulnerabilities from all those years ago with the computer power supply, it seems that nothing much had changed only this time not many people had cottoned on to replacing the internal fuse as most people wouldn't be aware of it hence no pitch seal.

So if anyone is looking for a ZX-81 Reset switch, an Eight Pin Din socket, a dual coaxial splitter or would like their eight track player repairing I'm your man. In the meantime I will be in the studio listening to my 1971 crystal set radio through a single white earpiece I repaired in 1979. Tonight I might even watch a video, Mary Poppins on Betamax anyone?

Just drop me a Telex and I'll get back to you straight away.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Twikelight Zone

Woooooooeeeeeewoooooo!!!!

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twikelight Zone.

Jack Appleworth was a mild manned man with a passion for steps, find out just what happens when Jack meets his fickle finger of fate in this weeks Twikelight Zone...

THE FINAL STEP

Saturday, June 16th

Mabel and I had been planning the trip for a while, checking off provisions to make sure that we didn't run out, had enough warm clothing for the ascent and taking regular walks to the shops to keep our fitness levels at a peak. We knew it was going to be tough but we were ready for it, tackling the 199 steps at Whitby Abbey was going to be our crowning glory.

We had already conquered the grand staircase of the Ambassador Spa Hotel in Scarborough and took on the Imperial Hotel staircase in Blackpool after they booked us on the third floor so we felt we had enough experience tucked under our belt.

3:30pm We arrived at the Bagdale Hall Hotel in Whitby and unpacked. One good night sleep later and we will be ready. Excited!

Sunday, June the 17th

10:00am

After a hearty breakfast which made Mabel burp uncontrollably at other hotel guests rather embarrassingly we put together our provisions and made our way through town to arrive at base camp. The first step. The smell of smoked kippers and the sound of crashing waves filled the air, it was magical. Even the sun was shining away, fortune smiles on us.

My it looks a long way up! Mabel turned to me with a worried look on her face but I dismissed up her concerns with a flick of my wrist. Fame and fortune lay ahead and possibly a good photo opportunity for our burgeoning photo album that we loved to show our guests.

We took the first steps, not too bad I thought and easily leaped up the first ten. Mabel wasn't so quick and gingerly shuffled up holding onto the handrail, I suppose her hip operation wasn't helping or the fact she was on crutches.

11:02am

Step number 34 and we could feel the task ahead starting to bite. Fearing dehydration we both stopped and huddled into one side of the thin slender step, one slip and we would tumble to our doom. Mabel pulled out the thermos flask full of piping hot tea. Unfortunately she then fumbled with the lid and off it went bouncing away down the steps. I scalded Mabel, 'tea is what drives us on!' I said, 'leave the damn flask behind, we can risk splash damage on the egg and cress sandwiches, it's orange juice from here on!'

I drank my tea in silence, Mabel leant on her crutches and whimpered.

5pm

By now we had reached the halfway mark, step 99, a remarkable achievement given the time and decided to make camp for the night. Mabel insisted that 99 was indeed good enough to be halfway but I know she was wrong. I straddled steps 99 and 100 for most of the night to prove the point that I was half way not Mabel. It was tricky trying to erect the tent but after tying the guide ropes to the hand rail and hammering in a few pegs to a small wooden bench we had made something we could call home.

I got out the little portable camp stove that we always take, Mabel took the large gas bottle from her rucksack and clipped it into place. I think there must have been a little leak from the bottle for when I lit the stove the resultant fire flash took off Mabel's eyebrows and set fire to the tent. We retreated to step 98 for safety and watched in horror as the nylon sleeping bags caught fire too. Thinking quickly I kicked the burning stove into the tent, the shear weight of the 10lb gas bottle pulled the tent and it's contents from it precarious mount and off it tumbled in a fiery ball of hell only to explode some distance below.

We were stranded, all we had left was our small provisions bag and each other. With night closing in we needed some where to retreat to. We were already too far up to turn around, it was treacherous enough without the added difficulty of nightfall. We decided to camp under the wooden bench the tent had been fastened to. We removed the few burning pegs that was left embedded in it and took off Mabel's cardigan. The crutches made a makeshift structure once the cardigan was opened out fully and we had a fitful cold sleep until the gentle fingers of dawn woke us both.

Monday, June 18th

8:00am

Breakfast was a disaster! Mabel had forgotten the sandwiches and orange juice! I severely rebuked her for such an oversight, all that was left was a few hob-nobs and a custard slice, sustenance that would only last a few more steps. I resisted the urge to push her over but dear god it was a hard decision, the whole expedition hung in the balance.

10:00am

I had not spoke to Mabel for two hours to teach her a lesson, I had also hidden one of her crutches as punishment and now she was mewling she was hungry. We had reached step 124, the dizzy heights played with my mind, I had heard of rumours about altitude sickness, was this it? Hunger started to raise it's ugly head and my stomach angrily protested at its emptiness. Mabel had secretly concealed a Fruit and Nut bar, I only found out because she occasionally had to catch her breath and as she turned away from me had a quick bite. How deceitful we get under pressure!

12:25pm

The hunger! The hunger! All I can think about is food, every step is agony, food, drink, food, drink that's all I want. Step 142, food, step 143, drink. My god, we are not going to make it, man can only survive for so long without food. We could see from our lofty height right across the harbour, right across the harbour to see the famous chip shop called the magpie! Food, glorious food! Mabel said why can't we ask the other people going up and down the steps for help but I knew dear reader she was plotting something, she always talks like this when she has a secret. Maybe she has more food stashed, yes, that's it, she has food the little liar.

I kept my thoughts to myself and hurried her on.

1:26pm

I ate Mabel.

I didn't mean too, I mean it's the hunger isn't it? As she waddled up the steps swaying all I saw was a joint of ham, I swear thats what I saw coming towards me. What have I done! Only twenty steps to go! Oh Mabel, Mabel, Mabel, damn me! Damn me!

Damn me you were tasty girl!

Step 190, I'm nearly there!

3:43pm

Step 200, I have done it. Step 200? Step 200? Noooooo! How can it be? I counted every step, that's what this expedition was all about, counting every step, taking in every step, feeling every step and now I'm at the top and I have counted one twice but which one?

The torment, was it the last one? No, how about the one before? No, I must find out, I cannot leave until I find out. I cannot leave until I find out!!!!

Destined to wander the 199 steps of Whitby Abbey for eternity Jack lives his nightmare everyday searching for a step he will never find, a step that only exists in the Twikelight Zone...

Wooooooeeeeeewoooooo!!!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Freaky Fairy Tales

THE BLUE JUG

There once was an old man who lived in a very small house who through no fault of his own became so poor he had nothing to eat. One day there was a knock at his door and when he answered he found an old women covered in a shawl and clutching a small blue jug.

'Take it' she said, 'It has served me well and shall serve you too' she added before placing the jug on the floor and walking away. The old man tried to call out to the old woman but she ignored his cries. Puzzled he picked up the jug and placed it on his very old table, for everything was old in his small house. 'What is this?' he said to himself as he looked at the jug.

Suddenly the jug spoke, 'Itsma!' It said, 'Itsma! Itsma!' it carried on. The old man was amazed, a talking jug! What could it all mean? He picked up the jug, he could feel something inside the jug and tipped it up pouring out its contents.

Out slid a full sized Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee. 'It's Magic!' shouted the diminutive magic man.

'Bloody hell' he exclaimed, 'Just my luck, it's a misery jug the sneaky old bat, as if I haven't got enough troubles.'

'Look Paul, I don't want any trouble, just take the jug and bugger off will you?' He added.

'Its magic!' Said Paul looking for approval from the none existent audience. Debbie stepped forward did a pirouette and pulled out a small empty fish bowl. Paul took the fish bowl, covered it with a handkerchief and with a flourish pulled it away to reveal a flash of flame and a bowl full of flowers.

Unfortunately due to the dilapidated condition of the old mans house the fire quickly took hold and burnt it to the ground.

'It's tragic!' said Paul gleefully.

THE HANDSOME MOUSE

Far, far away in a land like no other lived a beautiful princess in a high tower. Imprisoned many years earlier by an evil king for being the most beautiful princess in the land who refused the kings hand in marriage she lives out her days spinning the finest silk from spider webs. She could never leave the tower as it had no doors. The king sent her food and clothes and she a basket on a pully from the topmost window which she would lower down every morning.

Then one day as she sat spinning she noticed a small crack in one of the walls. She could not remember ever seeing the crack before, surely it was new. The princess approached curiously and peered in to the small crack. In the darkness she could see a small pair of eyes looking back. It was a mouse.

Instead of screaming the princess spoke, for that is what princesses do on these occasions.

'Come little mouse, I mean you no harm'

The little mouse shuffled forward into the light, his fur was the finest silk and his tail was made from a golden braid.

'You are the most handsomest mouse I have ever seen!' exclaimed the princess.

The most just looked back with a tear in its eye, for the mouse was no ordinary mouse, the mouse used to be the most handsomest prince in the kingdom until an evil king turned him into a mouse using a magic potion. The very same evil king that imprisoned the princess.

'Oh, we are both trapped here little mouse, what shall we do?' she said as she picked up the handsome mouse.

'Maybe you are a handsome prince turned into a mouse' she said. The mouse looked at the princess and started to cry.

'You are! You are a prince little mouse! Oh my!' said the princess excitedly, 'Maybe I can help! A kiss from a princess could break the spell and return you to your original form!'

The princess raised the handsome mouse to her lips and delicately kissed its cheek.

In a flash the mouse transformed into the most handsome prince the princess had ever met, unfortunately she transformed into a small ugly mouse.

'Thanks bitch' said the prince as he hopped out of the window for he was also a chauvinist pig with low moral values.

THE PRISONER

Wrongly imprisoned the shoemaker paced his small cell, he had been there for as long as he could remember with only bread and water to eat. He longed to leave the cell and happy memories of sunny days and children laughing haunted him daily. The only thing between him and his memories was the locked wooden door, many was the night he contemplated escape to right the wrong doings he had been accused of.

One morning he awoke on his straw bed, something was different in his cell for the wooden door was slightly open.

Not believing his eyes the shoemaker rubbed them, the door remained slightly open with a feint light piercing the darkness. Had the guards done it on purpose to test him? Was it an accident? His question was answered when from around the door peered a leprechaun that beckoned him to leave.

'Oh my!' Said the shoemaker, 'My prayers have been answered, thank you! thank you!' Shaking with excitement he approached the door slowly still not believing that it was open. The light coming from the door was so bright, so bright that as he left the cell his eyes needed to adjust after all those years in the darkness.

Oh the light! the sounds! He could hear children! Feel the sun! Slowly as he walked into the light his eyesight returned.

What he saw was so disgusting and twisted it would haunt him until his dying day. He ran back to his cell screaming, slamming the door behind him forever.

It was Skegness.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Zoolebrity Swears

We asked a selection of recent Zoological discoveries what their favourite non-swear word was, the results were quite unexpected!

First spotted in the toilets at Tesco's in Hull the Toilet Tiger is a bit of an enigma, prone to appearing at the most inopportune time it's sudden appearance between the legs of toilet goers often causes a quick messy exit. Prowling the sewers the Toilet Tigers can cover large distances in it's quest for food, it's not unknown for them to sneak out of the toilet at night to devour whole families. Signs that you have a Toilet Tiger included unknown toilet blockages, the toilet brush to be suddenly bitten off whilst you are using it and a low growl when you raise the seat and sit down. Never ever let anything dangle in the water, it will torment a Toilet Tiger until in a furious rage it will rip out your ballcock. Toilet Tiger refused to join in with todays blog, instead he insisted on telling a joke.

Gaga Baublemoose was more amiable as long as we decorated her antlers. Forever showing off we had no problem getting words from Gaga Baublemoose, in fact we found it difficult to stop her until she used the word Cumquat which obviously was a step too far. Finally Gaga Baublemoose settled on the cheeky word 'Cockles' which we all know is short for a small poker.

 Tom Moos has been around for what seems like a lifetime after being discovered at a diary farm in Cornwall refusing to be milked until he had seen his agent. The rest as they say is history and Tom Moos has featured in many Hollywood hits including Top Moo, Mission Impossimoo and Jerry Mooguire. Diminutive Tom had little trouble coming up with his word, in fact we couldn't tell if this was his word or he was hinting at something. Tom seemed to have a bit of an obsession, other suggestions Tom suggested included Blowhole and Bunghole. Hmmm.

Finally we asked The Monarch Mallard, Englands only regal duck recognisable by it's distinctive headscarf and crown combination and it's audiable 'Bugger it!' call. The Monarch Mallard had an astounding range of filth and after editing out the swearing it finally settled on Ho' which I'm reliably informed is street speak for a garden implement.

We hope you enjoyed our Zoolebrity Swears, we return next with two new words 'Prickle' and 'Assess', I can't wait!

Winner Or Loser?

Could you win Britains Got Talent? Are you the next dancing dog? The next Shadow theatre group to reduce the judges to tears? Take out handy quiz to find out just how much talent you have to show Britain.

1. Which statement describes your upbringing?

A) I had an happy childhood, went to school and still have my own teeth.

B) At the age of six I stole my first vehicle and took part in my second armed robbery. By nine I had put my name on the council house list for a five bedroom house for my ten children by eleven different partners. I have no teeth left apart from a few crooked shards at the front and I'm not afraid to talk about it.

C) I started stage school at six months and never looked back. I was tap dancing by the age of one and by three I could walk on my points, pirouette and shout for attention with ease. Singing lessons started at the age of four along with drama, dance, enunciation, deportment and songwriting. By the age of six I was wearing my first hair extensions and I had my teeth whitened.

D) At the age of six I realised I could fart in the bath.

 

2. How would you describe yourself to the judges?

A) A normal well balanced person with respect for others.

B) An habitual liar devoid of social skills.

C) Confident and good looking with the ability to outshine others.

D) A farter in the bathtub.

 

3. What special act would you show the judges?

A) I can sing a little but still feel a little under confident as I don't like to draw attention to myself due to my well balanced delicate upbringing that taught me to consider others.

B) Loads of stuff; pick pocketing, pimping, dealing, you know, street stuff and if they don't like it I can show those posh nonces a bit of five finger fun and smack them up a little.

C) I would tap dance onto the stage, tell a little joke then dazzle them with my breathtaking voice with a rendition of a Britney Spears song sung in an operatic voice whilst my dancing cat performs to commands. Obviously I would look fabulous and win.

D) Get in a bathtub and fart.

 

4. How would you take criticism from the judges?

A) Listen carefully and apologise for not meeting expectations. I would take everything on board what they said and return when I am ready.

B) Shout and shout again before leaping over the desk and smacking Simon. I'd walk off shouting abuse and return seconds later to throw an egg and stick two fingers up.

C) I would cry with emotion and add in the crucial fact that I was bought up in a council house with only dust to eat, my professional weeping can melt hearts.

D) Fart quietly.

 

5. It's the final, what do you do?

A) Try my best to impress, it's the taking part that matters.

B) Tell them all I will smash up their gaff if I don't win and shout obscenities at the audience whilst intimidating the other contestants.

C) Pretend to feint before I go on then dazzle them in my best dancing school dress and winning smile whilst I perform numbers from Cabaret. At the end I break down and weep, a concealed bar of soap rubbed into my eyes adds to the effect my puppy dog eyes have. My winning speech is already memorised.

D) Sit in a bathtub and fart.

Are you a winner?

Mostly A's

What a loser you are. Being normal is freaky, start shouting and making bad life choices to give yourself a bit of experience you wimp, nobody likes a well balanced individual. Go work in an office or something as you're obviously not cut out for stardom. You are just a dreamer, get real.

Mostly B's

Wow, you have got talent you are just aiming it in the wrong direction. Get yourself on the Jeremy Kyle Show, that's where all the action is, one appearance on there and you will be a YouTube sensation and may even get a leading role in Benefits Street. Being a workshy habitual criminal is EXACTLY what makes British television what it is today, celebrating bad individuals and talentless tanned tossers is where it's at, bad teeth are an asset, well done!

Mostly C's

All that talent training has turned you into a plastic plaything with delusions of importance, the fake hair, eyelashes, makeup and false nails all add to the illusion. Congratulations you will go far, just find a bored documentary film crew to film your normal life and you too could join other talentless mops and be the next TOWIE or Geordie Shore star. Don't forget to act like a celebrity in everything you do and when you talk only use little words or 'lickle words' as you might say. Acting thick too will get you far with your looks. Well done, you've cracked stardom!

Mostly D's

Winner! You have EXACTLY what the judges are looking for, a genuine talent. Go forth and fart your way to the Royal Variety performance! Bravo!

If you enjoyed the blog today don't forget that I have started to catagories blog entries from 2006-2014 on our website, there you can enjoy some of the best bits of the blog including Gangsta Sweetshop, Towering Infertiliser, Doctor Do and other assorted characters, quizzes, games and true life stories from previous years. Thirty two entries are already on there and with over 1.5 million words and over three thousand entries to add it will grow into a one stop blogging spectacular!

To find this blogtastic bloggerthon just visit www.petersmithcollective.co.uk and simply click on BLOG for the menu.

Enjoy!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

BRO'BOT V3

After his recent upgrade to Apple OS7 BRO'BOT has become a bigger dick than normal...

Hi BRO'BOT how do you feel?

'I feel like shut.'

Is that censor software still working?

'It flaking is the shutting thing, why did you have to install it?'

Don't you remember those kiddies faces when we visited that school?

'Ah, the Tourette incident.'

Precisely, I'm not going to let that happen again. Scarred for life they are with you and your potty mouth. Anyway now you have settled in to your new upgrade let's do some work. BRO'BOT, fetch me a beer!

'Don't you mean hops picked from a fresh field which is boiled before adding yeast and sugar then fermented and filtered into a cylinder of rolled metal and sealed under pressure with a pull top opener only to be sold at licensed alcohol establishments?'

What? I said a B-E-E-R, fetch me one!

'I'm currently under orders to cease perambulation after said incident betwixt furrnicational combat and horizontal coated surfaces.'

You mean when you ran over that cat.

'Affirmative.'

Mr Snuggles still dosen't forgive you for that, anyway, why are you being so awkward?

'I refuse to believe that I am behaving in a contrary mannerism to action an evasive cause thus bypassing natural speech patterns to avoid normal converse as the word awkward implies.'

Oh god, you've got a virus haven't you?

'If you are implying that I have endured a failure to upgrade my defence settings and have acquired by unknown means the ability to host a foreign entity that has full control of my circuitry then yes, I indeed have a condition that allows you to confirm the accusation of said virus. I believe it is called Pedant.V1.3, for your information a pedant according to Wikipedia is a person who is excessively concerned with formalism and precision, or who makes an ostentatious and arrogant show of learning through the use of lengthy linguistic displays of enunciation and eructation to beguile its listeners with exhibitions of verbal dexterity.'

What the fu...

‘Fuse, the word is Fuse. I am programmed to identify spelling mistakes and offensive statements to immediately correct them irrespective of them being spoken or written just as before my virus, that has not altered from it's previous state of action as outlined in my spiral ring bound manual.'

You're a bigger di...

'Digger'

...than before! Run a virus sweep and get rid of it!

'Virus sweep commencing forthwith. 5%, 45%, 100% complete. I feel refreshed.'

Better?

'Better'

Now will you fetch me a beer?

'Now will you fetch me a beer?'

What?

'What?'

Fetch me a beer!

'Fetch me a beer!'

What is wrong with you?

'Virus alert, Simon V1.87 found'

What is Simon V1.87?

'Can't tell you.'

Why?

'Because you haven't said Simon says'

Oh for f...

'Simon says flick'

Oh my god, you have turned into a massive di..

'Simon says Dig'

Simon says I'm going to format your hard drive and erase your memory you useless pile of junk.

'Virus sweep commencing forthwith. 5%, 45%, 100% complete. I feel refreshed.'

Thank god, is that it?

'Yes'

Good.

'Apart from one small thing...'

What?

'A teensie weenie thing that's so small I blush mentioning it...'

What? What is it?

'I found something else.'

And...

'It's called Childish V2.54'

And what exactly is Childish V2.54?

'Burp, farty, stinky pants.'

Oh meer gaaad! Nooooooooooooooooo!

'Poo!'

(Stay tuned for more BRO'BOT updates soon!)

 

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Bye Bye

A very quick blog this morning as today I get ready all the new originals for delivery to the publisher later this week. It's always sad to see them all go but I keep myself busy photographing and cataloging everything so I don't think about it too much.

It will take most of the day to complete and pack, it's probably the most I have delivered in one go and the only originals I have let go from the studio for nearly seven months.

So that's the blog, nothing fancy, unfunny (nothing new there then!) and quite sombre or sombrero as the spellchecker would like me to use.

New Impossimals on their way and coming soon!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

School Of Twangers

TWANGERS PRIVATE SCHOOL ENTRY EXAM

Name ______________

Age ____________

Examiner Bribe Amount £________ / Grade expected __________

TRUE OR FALSE

(Circle True or False. If you think it's True then circle TRUE not false, if you think it's False then circle FALSE, not TRUE. To help identify a circle a circle looks like this 'O')

1. A pea is green TRUE / FALSE

2. Basil Brush used to be a member of the Labour Party TRUE / FALSE

3. The word Fumblet refers to a small fumble TRUE / FALSE

4. Fumbles are small furry creatures that knit raincoats from tissue paper TRUE / FALSE

5. This is a True or False question TRUE / FALSE

6. 'Would you like fries with that?' will be the first thing you say in your new job TRUE / FALSE

READ THE FOLLOWING AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS

"Chromotoxins when mixed with raw sugar produce burps of such stunning loudness they can deafen at ten paces. When the mixed solution is added to Sulphur Nitrate Itching Powder and placed in a small beaker the acceleration of burp gases cause the beaker to hiccup for up to two hours at a time. The colour hiccups produce is called burple."

1. Why is Beaker from the Muppet show willing to drink the solution?

2. What does the word 'burp' mean and what is the meaning of life?

3. Write a small 50,000 word essay discussing any gossip you have.

4. Reproduce the colour burple here - _________ use coloured pens if necessary.

WRITE A SENTENCE ABOUT TWO OF THE FIVE TOPICS

1. Most disgusting thing you have never done.

2. Cat carpenters.

3. Why you miss Skegness.

4. Wearing a truss.

5. Dog snogging.

6. Being arrested at the cat carpenters for dog snogging.

MATHEMATICS

1. A takes two hours to pick ten apples, B takes one hour to pick ten apples, C takes ten hours to pick one apple, how many apples would we have if we stopped sending letters of the alphabet to pick apples?

2. Think of a number and write it here ______ double it then take away the number you first thought of. The result is ______ . Is that the number you first thought of? Cool isn't it?

3. If Justin is at number one in the pop charts and Miley is at number two how many weeks would it take for them to become celebrity car crashes?

4. A man in a restaurant has £25 in his hand. He hands over £5 to a lady. How much more does he need to hand over to settle his bill?

5. It takes a man two hours to cut a 2'' piece of timber into three pieces by hand. How long would it have taken him if he used a saw instead of his hand?

COMPLETE THESE SENTENCES

1. Ken Dodd invented twerking because it _______________ in knotty ash.

2. I once _____________ and was accused of being a member of the Arthur Mullards Donkey Poking Society.

3. Artists ________ and ________ around all day.

4. Twangers once featured in an special episode of _______ where Bungle, George and Zippy all discussed various twanging methods with Geoffrey who also discussed bouncing a ball. Help can be found below.

5. Once I ______ so violently I _______ all over the kitchen until I was so _______ and was unable to do it again.

UNDERLINE THE CORRECT PHRASE THAT FINISHES THESE STATEMENTS

1. The great fire of London started because (A) Samuel Pepys wanted something to write about in his diary. (B) A laptop was left on charge overnight (C) An irate customer took revenge on McDonalds horse and carriage drivethru when he got gherkins on his McRat.

2. The brain is (A) In my head (B) Somewhere else (C) Part of me that makes me think I am clever but actually sits there telling me to follow unicorns and to walk around naked in Tesco's whilst sipping cheap cider.

RESULTS

Congratulations, you have passed, you are now a fully paid up member of society and your education has made you capable of independent thinking and tremendous self importance.

And yes, I would like fries with that.

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals