Down Wid' Da Kidz

(Cue Trumpet Fanfare)

(Show Horses and big palace)

(Focus on Christmas tree and crown)

"In this past year my family and I have been inspired by the courage and hope we have seen in so many ways in Britain, in the Commonwealth and around the world.

We've seen that it's in hardship that we often find strength from our families; it's in adversity that new friendships are sometimes formed; and it's in a crisis that communities break down barriers and bind together to help one another."

(Queen to look sombre but regal)

(National Anthem to play)

Said the Queen on Christmas Day but in the new hip age of pot noodles and iPhoneys isn't it time we made it 'fo da kidz?

(Cue Queenie rappin' out to some sick tunes whilst Phillip in his gold PJ's bangs on the walls at Buck Palace)

(Show Police car and foot chase across the mall with the Queen packing a uzi and wearing the latest footwear)

(Focus on Queen infront of Buck Palace raisin' two hands and sayin' 'This is where the magic appens', then cut to a series of black flash bulletproof cars and a gold horse drawn coach, cut back to Queenie 'This is ma' bling mobile'

Loads of buff dudes walk into Buck house and start pumpin', the camera cuts to the roof where nine scantily clad women are bouncing their back shelves and showing off their big bass asses to the tune of Snoop Dog'

Queen starts with gangsta sign.

"Family is dope, wit courage and hope, bin cruisin the world in a big black jag, son shacked up with a nag faced hag."

"On the streets they be hatin, no longer a riot, let one be quiet. Queenies gonna require more than bein hard, dress in the right attire so ain't no need fo' a body guard. I listen to people but they ain't listen back so I address the press by startin' an attack. The palace is dope and yawl have no hope, this country sucked and now you're all fu..."

(Cut to Queens face next to booty jiggling)

"If it ain't for the gin I wouldn't sin, from my regal crib full of stacks of quid, all you players and ho's, I rule, you don't. Merry Christmas motherhookers, word out."

(A corgi explodes, and Queenie licks a lollypop suggestively whilst pulling down her top)

(Ends on Ready To Die by Notorious B.I.G whilst Tupac is shown on screen)

(Black car pulls away with a close up on a license plate DA RULER, fifty pound notes flutter down the screen)

Not quite sure if it would come across as the same message but she could even wear her best tiara to bling the broadcast up and arrive in a Hummer, getting out in slo-mo whilst large bottomed women slapped their behinds and scantily clad men thrust their hips in her direction. Prince Phillip could do all the 'Yo, bitch' stuff in between and the rest of the royals could form her 'crew'. William and Harry could play pimps I suppose, bit stuck on where Camilla would come in unless she played a set of teeth.

Anyway, wadda fink?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Ski Sunday

Today was a day out of the studio with a nice little trip to Lincoln, a place that is only about thirty odd miles away but for some reason rarely visited. It's quite quaint in the old town area around the cathedral with many independent shops and a gallery with Impossimals, well, it would be rude not to pop in and say hello and it really is a nice gallery too who made us feel very welcome on our impromptu pop-in. Nice.

Anyway today's blog is not about today but another day that isn't today. Make sense? No, didn't think so. Instead let me whisk you away to the centre of Aldi the budget supermarket and a quest to find the little sticks of chapstick type stuff, you know, the one that stops dry lips and things. They do a very nice one but only at certain times of the year it seems so imagine my surprise when I asked where they were and the shop assistant replied with a waft of her hand.

'Oh, somewhere over there in the skiing section.'

Let me stop you there and let that sink in. Aldi. Skiing section.

'Oh I'm sorry, would that be next to the Schoffel Hermine's or the Patagonia Powder Bowls? Or maybe I'm mistaken and I can't see the chapsticks for all the ski's.' as you can tell I wasn't falling for it.

'No, in the skiing section.'

'What skiing section?'

'Winter wear.' A straight thunderous face greeted me by now, I was obviously being difficult by not acknowledging the fine skiing apparel section.

'You mean gloves.'

'Yes, and hats.'

So that's it folks, gloves and hats in limited quantities and made from wool constitute an adventurous skiing section, so the next time you find me riding a tin tray down the slopes in St Anton or San Moritz wearing a woolly bobble hat and thin wool gloves about to smash face first into a pine tree just remember I saved oodles on expensive gear. #toptip

Before I go there's just one more tip I would like to impart, if you are ever looking for new glasses don't spend an hour choosing only to go to the desk and be told that they look great but they are women's glasses like I did, it really doesn't help ones confidence. Also when returning for your new glasses fitting session don't assume that the lenses are incorrect or that they are ill fitting because you are seeing double until you have checked that the optometrist is not indeed slightly cross eyed like I did.

And with that I died of embarrassment.

Have a great weekend!

'Tis The Season To Say 'Twas

 

 

'Twas the night beforeChristmas, when all through the house

Not an Impossimal was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the easel with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

I was nestled all snug in my bed,

While visions of Impossimals danced around in my head;

When in the studio there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the studio I flew like a flash,

Tore open the door in such a dash,

When, what to my eyes did appear,

But a roomful of Impossimals drinking gallons of beer,

 

I knew in a moment it was not St.Nick,

And if they kept drinking heavily they all would be sick.

Sat in a corner an Impossimals eyes swirled around,

While two other Impossimals wrestled naked on the ground.

If you don’t go away you will make me quite mad,

I said trying not to sound too much like a dad,

You created us we can’t go away,

But I made you to be seen only in the day,

You know we have secrets that can be seen only at night,

Try looking at us when you turn off the light,

The Impossimals were right and the paintings do change,

If you turn off the light you will see them rearrange,

Into ciphers and symbols that tell more of a story,

Some even reveal secrets in all their full glory,

Of love and contentment and other such tales,

All painted in with attention to the details,

You see said the Impossimals we cannot go away,

We are in your head and here to stay,

I know I said but let’s make one thing clear,

If I am asleep and you fancy a beer,

Keep it quiet or St Nick will not come.

 

Just then from the corner came a noise like a drum,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

A fat jolly fellow who like Impossimals his shape was quite round,

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my naked self;

 

Too many Sherries and Santa was drunk,

He stumbled from corner to corner tripped and then slunk,

Next to a naked Impossimal he had landed,

Took one look at them and said I am stranded,

With a naked Impossimal who smells of booze,

People will think I am such a flooze;

 

A roomful of chaos my mind couldn’t stand,

So I went back upstairs a little later than I planned,

To the land in my dreams of Impossimal tales,

With paintings to come of clocks, hearts and whales,

My mind never stops and I paint as I sleep,

The Impossimals are real and are trapped in me deep,

And a brush is my way of getting them out,

From the land of Impossimals to canvas they sprout,

To decorate rooms up and down the land,

With bright and bold colours that never seem bland,

To make me smile as I think...

 

Sometimes its madness that I stand on the brink.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

A Tint Of Rose

One big festive event when I was young was the release of the Christmas Radio Times, this along with the new Trafford catalogue heralded the excitement of Christmas in the 70's. Christmas started when it should, in December and not the first week in September which kinda waters down the thrill nowadays. I cannot describe the feelings Christmas used to stir during this time; you need to remember that there was no quick fix for entertainment, the shops were shut on Sundays, pubs had proper open and closing times and television although there was only three channels television was an absolute must for entertainment so the arrival of the Christmas Radio Times used to fill me with giddy excitement.

Flicking through its pages I used to, like many of my friends, circle all the programs I wanted to watch. There was no catchup TV or on demand services and owning your own video recorder was still some distance away so you had one chance to catch all your favourites or the big films that used to be broadcast on the day.

Now the sad part, this side never left me and I have kept every Christmas edition of the TV listings magazine since, that is until the late 90's when the television schedule was so poor around Christmas I abandoned my collection. So what I have is a small sample of television Christmas gold to occasionally flick through and looking back the programming was really quite good.

You always worry you look back with rose tinted spectacles but after flicking through the 1975 edition and specifically Christmas Day it was all rather good...

9.00: Ragtime

with MAGGIE HENDERSON and FRED HARRIS

Some nice sing-a-long tunes to start of Christmas morning, no cartoons blasting out, TV didn't start until 9am.

9.15: Hark the Herald Angels Sing

The Christmas story told in carols - mostly very familiar but a few new ones - readings and pictures, all by pupils of schools in Leicestershire.

You were too busy messing around with your presents around this time but the carols singing out in the background was a nice memory and quite comforting too whilst you created mahem with your Evil Knievel stunt bike and Chopper.

10.00: The Happy Prince

A cartoon: Oscar Wilde 's classic bittersweet story of a swallow winging its way south which stays to rest upon the sorrowing statue of a once happy Prince and stays behind to help.

Can you imagine any cartoon today being based on Oscar Wilde's work and being broadcast at prime time to patient children? 

10.24: Weather: BARBARA EDWARDS

The BBC prided itself on punctuation hence the 10.24 slot.

10.30: Christmas Morning Service

From St George 's Chapel, Windsor Castle 1475-1975 in the presence of HM The Queen, HRH The Duke of Edinburgh and other members of The Royal Family followed by the National Anthem.

A bit of royalty to sombre the mood because what comes next caused extreme excitement.

11.45: Rod Hull and Emu

Sing a Christmas Song with help from BILLY DAINTY

Nice, exciting, silly, just what Christmas entertainment should be. Who remembers Billy Dainty? A music hall embracing performer that is long forgotten but provided a staple of Christmas entertainment.

12.20: Laurel and Hardy

Pack Up Your Troubles

Christmas wouldn't be the same without a bit of Laurel and Hardy, they often used to play these most mornings over the Christmas break along with Harold Lloyd so my knowledge of appreciating great comedy grew at an early age.

13.20: Holiday on Ice

Your annual rink-side seat at one of the world's most spectacular touring ice extravaganzas.

Extravaganzas was what Christmas was about, whilst you are waiting for Christmas dinner surrounded by relatives what better way than to watch pure uncontroversial entertainment, quite often as in this case it was a big stage or touring show that they broadcast, something you would have only got chance to see otherwise live.

14.10: Top of the Pops

A special Christmas edition featuring No 1 records of the year.

Introduced by Tony Blackburn and Noel Edmonds including Mud, The Tymes, Pilot, Telly Savalas, Bay City Rollers, Tammy Wynette , Windsor Davies and Don Estelle , 10cc, Stylistlcs. Art Garfunkel, David Essex. with PAN'S PEOPLE

This was what everyone was waiting for, never underestimate the power of Top Of The Pops Christmas special in the 70's, this along with several comedy shows was Christmas in a nutshell. Quite often this was on during Christmas day dinner.

15.00: The Queen

The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth

And everybody stood at the end to the national anthem.

15.05: Billy Smart's Christmas Circus

From the Big Top, a special international gala presentation of the world-famous circus.

This was special even though it would be frowned upon with today's values, but then again people in the 70's would frown upon today's Internet led values so where are we going with this? It was family entertainment that fitted the time it was broadcast.

16.05: The Wizard of Oz

a feature film starring Judy Garland with Frank Morgan , Ray Bolger Bert Lahr , Jack Haley

The unforgettable Judy sings ' Somewhere over the Rainbow '; we follow the yellow brick road on our journey to see the Wizard and on the way meet The Scarecrow, The Tin Man and The Cowardly Lion - all elements in one of the most magical movies of them all, being screened today on British TV for the first time.

Can you believe we had to wait until 1975 to see this film for the very first time out of the cinema? That's what made Christmas films all the more exciting to watch. If you missed it you really did miss it and you couldn't rewind it either!

17.45: National News

Kenneth Kendall ; Weatherman

Nice Mr Kenneth.

17.50: Bruce Forsyth and The Generation Game

Starring Bruce Forsyth with Anthea Redfern

A bumper Christmas edition with family couples from all over the country joining Bruce and Anthea and surprise guests for an hour of festive fun for all the family.

Brucie was going strong in the 70's, with a general public that wasn't used to appearing on television it had a charming naivety about it all, plus the conveyor belt of gifts were all rather tame. Oooh Cuddly Toy!

18.55: Some Mothers Do'Ave'Em

Slapstick comedy from Frank Spencer, his typical antics and stunts around Christmas time were always a must watch but then came the gods of BBC television with the most anticipated show of all.

19.40: The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show

A star-studded loliday special starring Eric morecambe and Ernie Wise

Over twenty seven million viewers watched the final Christmas show in 1977 such was the power of this well written and performed hour of entertainment, it was a pure Christmas staple. Watching it today brings back memories but it will never bring back the pure magic of the first time you watched it at Christmas.

20.45: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

The world television premiere of the famous feature film starring Paul Newman , Robert Redford Katharine Ross with Strother Martin , Jeff Corey Henry Jones

You never met a pair like Butch and the Kid! The two most affable amiable outlaws in Western history are the subject of the most exuberant, exciting and engaging of all western movies - the story of Robert LeRoy Parker and Harry Longbaugh , otherwise known as Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Big films got big billings, again a first time on television film in an age where most films had to survive seven years at the cinema before being allowed on our miniature televisions.

22.30: The Good Old Days

A Christmas edition of Old-Time Music-Hall from the stage of the Famous City Varieties Theatre, Leeds (by arrangement with Stanley and Michael Joseph )

For your delectation and delight, your Chairman, Leonard Sachs , introduces Vera Lynn

Sheila Steafel

A lot of viewers spanned a generation without television so programs like this catered for both worlds, television entertainment but music hall acts. Very well done and entertaining too.

23.30: Parkinson meets Bob Hope

Born in South-East London in 1903, Bob Hope moved to the United States four years later and grew up to become one of the legends of show business. Tonight he flies home to celebrate Christmas as Michael Parkinson 's special guest.

The King of chat shows normally had a big guest on at Christmas, Bob Hope was one of the biggest Hollywood could provide and completes a stunning line up for Christmas day, and this was just one channel!

The great thing was that hardly anything was a repeat, with only a few channels to fill it relied on quality rather than quantity and the 70's gave us some of the most cherished and well written television programs around and this made Christmas even more special. It was also quite calm television, shouting didn't really start until the eighties and has increased since.

ITV used to join in with a very similar paced day interspersed with films, special Christmas editions although by the time we had got to Morcambe and Wise time they had pretty much given up and resorted to the unfunny 'Get Some In' and 'Love Thy Neighbour', they did have Bay City Rollers though if you were Circused out on the Beeb.

9:00am Rainbow
9:15am A Heavenly Place
10:00am Service, from Luss Parish Church, Loch Lomond
11:00am A Merry Morning
11:45am Harold Lloyd's World of Comedy (b-w)
1:15pm Jack Parnell and the Big Band Show
2:00pm Chipperfields Christmas Circus
3:00pm The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth 
3:05pm Doctor in Trouble (film) starring Leslie Phillips, Harry Secombe, Robert Morley, James Robertson Justice 
4:45pm Captain Noah and His Floating Zoo
5:10pm News
5:20pm Bay City Rollers Show, with Gilbert O'Sullivan
6:20pm Christmas Celebrity Squares
7:00pm Crossroads
7:30pm Get Some In
8:00pm Love Thy Neighbour
8:30pm The Taming of the Shrew (film) starring Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton
10:00pm News
10:15pm The Taming of the Shrew (film continued)
11:00pm Beneath the Christmas Tree
11:55pm The Gabriel Assignment

BBC2 However loved to keep it all a little more serious.

11:00-11:25am Play School
1:25pm Yes to Man by Alan Ecclestone
1:30pm Christmas Day Play Away
2:05pm Prince Charles, Pilot Royal
3:00pm The Queen speaks to the Commonwealth 
3:05pm Swan Lake, ballet, with Margot Fonteyn, Rudolf Nureyev
4:45pm In Deepest Britain
5:35pm Nice One, a Cockney wedding
5:50pm The Yearling (film) starring Gregory Peck, Jane Wyman 
7:55pm Great Big Groovy Horse, rock-musical romp
8:45pm The Evacuees by Jack Rosenthall. International Emmy Award Winner 1975
10:00pm News
10:05pm Poems and Pints
10:30pm Presents Past. Victorian and Edwardian Toys
11:00-1:25am Guys and Dolls (film) starring Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons, Frank Sinatra, Vivian Blaine

The Christmas edition listing magazines will be out soon and I have just found a red marker in my drawer, I wonder...

God, did I really type all this out? I'm so sad! 

Nightly Nightmare Christmas Shop

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Nightly Nightmare Christmas Shop

Welcome, stay a while, stay FOREVER! It's the Nightly Nightmare Christmas Shop, all the things you wish you'd never seen in one handy place for your delectation...

Normal, thin, healthy? Say goodbye to all that and fatten them up for Christmas. Nobody likes a treble, make sure you're a double bass and shake that booty. Guaranteed to grow your back shelf until it's a sideboard.

ACTUAL CUSTOMER PHOTO

Even celebrities love our product, see our testimonial above!

Our latex Danger Doll will beg to fulfil your every whim, built out of impact industrial rubber it can clean, cook and give you a good old suck job with its vacuum cleaner attachment with various nozzle sizes. Everything will be squeaky clean as our Danger Doll replaces all that is useful in your life so you can just sit back and enjoy the ride. N.B. Needs inflating, a few good pumps should do it, otherwise see nozzle on head.

Only in our suits can you have the pleasure of self sniffication, emulate any breed of dog, be a cat playing the oboe, in fact anything that requires a bit of bending our suit does anything you can without fear or tearing or ripping. N.B. Made of polyester, do not expose to naked flames, warm radiators or warm Greggs sausage rolls as liable to combust without warning.

Chimney not spick'n'span for Santa? Hire our naked nubile chimney witches to scrub out your flue. They will professionally wriggle up your stack to root out the most stubborn of sooty deposits before dancing a jig on your rooftop and placing a curse on your neighbours. Brooms extra, hexes and curse list available on request.

Kids annoying in the car? Give them this book and they will never move again as 'Our Auto Trip' unfolds into a journey nightmare featuring a crazed balloon entertainer with a fixation for decapitating bananas. Scream as he peels away the flesh, faint as he takes a large suggestive bite, cower in fear as he spreads the banana skin over his face and touches his nose with his tongue whilst whispering 'pass the peanut butter'

Forget new, you can't beat a bit of old dick. Now available in three sizes, small, medium and oh my god.

Feeling spanky? Then hire our children's entertainers Spanky and Thanky, watch in amazement as they deal out blow after below 'Spanky? Why Thanky!' Around your house. Marvel as they strip naked and beat each other into submission for the entertainment of the entire family. Watch grandmas teeth fly out of her mouth when they turn their attention to her. See grown men cry, women laugh and children scarred for life with our full on family entertainment that's more fun than stapling your earlobes to a tree.
Have a different Christmas, have a Nightly Nightmare Christmas!
What's your favourite?

Christmastide, Yuletide It's All Baubles To Me

Crimbo Cats Festive Survey

Chrismastide, Noel, nativity, call it what you will Christmas is here to stay, we asked members of the public to tell us what their best Christmas spelling is and these are the results.

"I fink it means to me everyfing is shiny and like that's why I call it Crimble time. It's the stuff of jeezus and Maori wid da likkle donkey in da shed, innit? I mean if day r gunna ave it evry year why don't they tell us? This fanta bloke is ace but I don't know wat a chimney is. Is it like a long chin?

"My dear I think you will find its actually Yuletide, Christmas is so common and don't even get me started with Xmas. Xmas is so, so, Peter Smith, he's as common as they come you know. Yuletide felicitations to you all!"

"I like Xmas, it's like a quick way to write and is a real boon when writing Christmas cards. Of course it sounds as if you couldn't be bothered and yes it may come across as lazy but hey, it's Xmas, were all in misery so get over it."

"Personally I prefer the season of Noel when we celebrate all things about that plumb bearded chap Noel Edmunds. I remember his Noel Edmunds House Party, the one with Mr Blobby, oh, he was such a great character. A great big pink thing with spots, or was that something I went to the doctors with? I dunno, anyway Noel is great and my first choice at this time of year."

"I was always taught that it was pronounced Chrissymissymussytime to go along with the seasons, after all what else would go with Winterfrinterchillywilly and Bonfireywiry Night?"

"Wibble poot, floooomffhh, pop, pop, booomph."

"Mr name is Noddy Holder and I like to call this time of year 'ker-ching!!' after the sound my royalty cheque makes at the bank after 'Merry Christmas Everybody' has been played 1,253,273 times."

"My name is Mariah and this Christmas I fancy something different to you."

"My name is George Michael and I want my heart back even though you tore it apart."

"Quite frankly I wish it could be Christmas every day" said Roy Wood.

"Quite frankly I hate Christmas, my name is Mary Berry and I often get confused with Merry. That sponge dear is over baked, what do you think Paul?"

"I think it's an ok bake Mary, not one of their best. Did you proof the dough correctly before putting it in the oven Cliff?"

"Hey Mary, you're a Livin' Doll want to go on a Summer Holiday and get away from all this Mistletoe and Wine?"

We had to cut our survey short as we started to be surrounded by ex-Christmas song celebrities and it was blocking the doorway to Greggs, more results tomorrow when we ask Showadywady and The Bay City Rollers what they really think of striped curtains in a bedroom.

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Humbuggery

Scrooge was on to a good thing, don't let the jollity of the season spoil your Christmas being miserly and rude, simply follow our several step guide to holding on to all those hard earned pennies this season and maintaining that grumpy demeanor.

Never ever throw away your candles, even when they have burnt down to the absolute bottom they can still give a few seconds of light and heat out for Bob Cratchit to stay another few hours on Christmas Eve.

Be awkward, the more awkward you are in general the more people will leave you alone to count your money this year. Gatherings of friends and family promotes happiness, stamp on this by provoking arguments although come Christmas Day tea time they should pretty much have started themselves.

Ask to take away any fat left over from the goose or turkey from any unpleasant gathering you are invited to. Burnt coal dipped in fat has a new lease of life and will warm your room and provide a pleasant cooking smell to boot.

Keep several chamber pots full to the brim with effluent, should a gaggle of carol singers turn up unexpectedly simply tip the contents from the first floor window onto their cheery heads. Don't forget to shout first so they look up open mouthed.

If by chance you get three ghosts appear on Christmas Eve who want to show you the past, present and future just ignore them, they only want to fill you with regret and remorse. Instead make Bob Cratchit work through the night of Christmas Eve until dawn that way you avoid any spirit intervention.

Say no to mistletoe. It cold and flu season so slap anyone who comes near you and chastise them to keep all their sniffles to themselves. And it's poisoness.

Tell any child you encounter that Santa is not real and lecture them on the evils of believing in anything other than the pursuit of wealth at the expense of others.

When counting pennies it is advisable to stack them in columns of ten, that way when transferring them to your safety deposit boxes you can easily see if any fall short or have been pilfered by that scheming Bob Cratchit. If you notice a discrepancy remind him of what you did to Tiny Tim by placing a crutch and a small cap next to his desk.

Remind people that everytime a bell rings a fairy loses it's wings.

If on Christmas morning you awake to a fresh coating of snow outside and you look out of the window to see a young scamp walking along, remember that big prize turkey in the butchers shop and fling open your window wide. Shout down to the young scamp and say 'Boy! I said boy! Does the butcher still have any turkeys left in his window?' When our young scamp replies 'Why yes sir!' simply add 'Well tell him not to buy so many next time, it's a terrible waste' and slam the window shut.

Remember to include the words 'Bah Humbug!' In most sentences although avoid using this in sweet shops as you may inadvertantly spend a penny buying boiled sweets.

Reminisce about how succulent Tiny Tim was once he had been basted and roasted.

Avoid using any door knockers shaped like a face and eating bread and cheese before bedtime.

Sack Bob Cratchit on Christmas Eve and reinstate him on a zero hour contract at lower pay providing he works Christmas Day.

Bah Humbug!

 

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Are You Huff Enuff?

I am the Huff but you can call me The Huff. You may know me as the all singing, dancing, beach rescuing, crime fighting, leather jacket filled with lights, singing on top of the Berlin wall type of guy but really, I'm down to earth....

...and so will you be bought down to earth with a bang if you follow my advice and visit the LAST APPEARANCE of 2014 for Peter & Jayne Smith. Feel worried, stressed? Need a little light entertainment? Want to laugh at somebody more unfortunate in life? Then meeting Peter & Jayne this Saturday 6th December is just the ticket! They will be at the Original Art Shop in Derby between 12-3pm (you may catch them before wandering around the pound shops though or if you arrive around 10am they will be sat in the carpark eating out of Tupperware)

All welcome for your last chance to WIN BIG and find a golden hare!

Let the Huff repeat that for you, Meet Peter & Jayne this Saturday 6th December in Derby at the swish Original Art Shop between 12-3pm, all welcome just stroll right in for festive fun, I know I will be there!

Yours Lavishly

The Huff*

*NB The Huff cannot guarantee that the Huff will attend, should the Huff fail to make the event Peter has been instructed to show you his baubles.

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Ultimate Wrapper*

Get down and wrap like the kids with our groovy guide to professional wrapping. Schizzle!

1. Find nice attractive paper and place on floor.
2. Roll out paper so it's flat.
3. Re-roll out the paper because you forgot to place something on it to stay rolled out.
4. Re-roll out paper because the roll of sellotape wasn't heavy enough to hold it down.
5. Curse.
6. With all four corners pinned down with things from the kitchen cupboard place present in centre.
7. Forgot to mention, cut the paper to correct estimated size first, now go back to no.1
8. Remove the tin of soup that is holding down one corner and pull it over the present.
9. Mend tear in paper where the weight of other tin of soup caused the paper to rip.
10. Remove second tin you should have removed before.
11. Re-roll out paper that has curled up again and kneel on it.
12. You removed the wrong tin, not the one to your left but the one on the right, that's it, that one.
13. Take the now unpinned edge of the paper and pull over present
14. Repair holes in paper where it has ripped on the corners of the present.
15. Carefully pull out a piece of sellotape whilst holding paper in place.
16. Try that again this time with the scissors in reach and remove bits of tape that accidentally stuck to the paper repairing any holes made along the way.
17. Carefully pull out sellotape whilst holding paper in place, hold tape in mouth while you use the scissor to cut required length.
18. Find your medical box and put something on you freshly cut lip.
19. Try again, only this time, I forgot to add this previously so sorry about that, pre-cut your sellotape and stick it somewhere in strips ready to use.
20. Remove fluff from sellotape, the armchair was not a good idea to stick it to until you needed it.
21. Stick first edge down carefully.
22. Just remembered this too, you should have released the other side of the paper so the two meet across the present. How did I forget that? Back to step 1 I'm afraid, only this time do step 2-13 for the other side too.
23. Get into a blind rage and throw present and sellotape across the room.
24. Retrieve both items and calm down dear, it's only Christmas.
25. Have large drink, I'm not talking about tea either.
26. Try to focus and try steps 1-22 again remembering to do steps 2-13 twice.
27. Not twice, once. You have already done them, doing it twice would mean you release three sides and then you are in trouble.
28. Not easy wrapping is it. Let's start again and forget steps 1-27
29. Get present.
30. Buy a bag bigger than present.
31. Put present in bag and give to recipient.
32. Swear that this is the last time your messing about at Christmas, eat twice your body weight in food during Christmas dinner and get blind drunk before the Queens speech.
33. Sleep in chair.
34. Suddenly wake up and salute as you hear the National Anthem then slump back down and doze.
33. Wake up at 4pm with a distended stomach, reach to your left and polish off that box of chocolates that have been teasing you cheekily all day.
34. 4:03pm feel hungry and wobble your way into the kitchen looking for Christmas fayre.
35. Return back to your seat with a plate piled high with enough food to last a week.
36. Watch James Bond film on TV for 28th time.
37. Denounce Christmas television as rubbish and announce you prefer Boxing Day anyway and you can't see what all the fuss is about.
38. Eat more chocolate, drink more drink.
39. Repeat 38 until 40 is achieved.
40. Wobble around the room and with the breath of a thousand breweries declare your love for everyone, even the cat.
41. Repeat stages 32-40 on Boxing Day and New Years Eve, deleting unnecessary bits accordingly
and putting the emphasis on more drink for New Years.
42. Return to work in January declaring that Christmas was rubbish.
43. January 5th join Gym.
44. July 5th, realise you have been paying for gym membership for six months without ever visiting it.
45. August 15th, Look in shops for the first signs of Christmas.
46. August 20th, you see a large box of Quality Street and get excited.
47. In September swear you will be more organised this year and it will be the best yet.
48. December 24th, rush around like an idiot through throngs of crowds swiping anything within grasp as presents.
49. Go to no.1 and start wrapping.
50. Explain for the rest of the year why you bought an iRon instead of an iPad and console children when they unwrapped a packet of Brussels instead of Moshi Monsters.
51. Repeat everything until you are old and you can sit back and let somebody do all of it.

*only handy for gifts that are perfectly square, using precut paper and wrapped by a professional. Not recommended for any other shape or cats. Guidelines only, no responsibility for individual interpretation or quality of Christmas suggested.

Lidl Donkey

In 1977 I received a book for Christmas, it was called 'The Making of The Goodies Disaster Movie' a surreal bit of work written by the Goodies. Graham Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor who wrote and played the Goodies on television was surreal entertainment at its best and helped shaped my skewed view on the world at a very early age. To give you an idea on just how clever some of their work was here's a fictitious cast list for a version of White Christmas taken from the book...

OPENING SCENE

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Muss
Jess Likedy
Juan Swee
Hugh Sterno

Wendy Treetops-Glissen
Ann Chilled-Wren
Liz Anne
"Two Ears" Laybelle
Cindy Snow

SCENE TWO

Emma Dreaming
Arthur White
Chris Musswit
Avery Criss
Miss Carr
Dai Wright

Mayor Dazeby
Mary-Ann Bright
Anna-May Hall-York-Rhys
Mrs B White

Seeing as we are rambling on about alternative words why not try a few of these this Christmas to liven up those carols, you never know you might get a few more bob!

While shepherds watched their soaps by night,
All watching ITV,
The angel of the Lord came down,
And switched to BBC.

Lidl donkey, Lidl donkey,
On the cheap road,
Got to keep on flogging onwards,
With your bargain load.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
For the van of Stephen,
He had ordered pizza out,
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Brightly shone the moon that night
Over Marks and Spencers,
'Stephen you're late' said the king,
then he knocked him senseless.

We three kings of Leicester Square
Selling ladies underwear,
So fantastic, no elastic,
Only tuppence a pair.

O'Star of wonder, star of light,
Santa caught his pants alight,
Hit the Ceiling, started screaming
O'It was the perfect flight.

I thought I would have a go with this takeaway Cliff classic...

The burger is King, the Carollers sing,
The old has passed, the fast food will win.
Dreams of fanta, dreams of wings,
Fingers greasy, faces will grow.

Christmas time, Misery and Whine,
Children eating cheesburger grime,
With royales on the flamer and bacon for thee,
A poor substitute for dinner we see.

A time unforgiving, a time for heaving,
Shove down the quarterpounder and fries for ever after,
Ours for the bellyaching, just follow the McMaster.
A time for lusting, not believing,

Violent night, bowely night

A time for misgiving, a time for sweating,
A standard of living that will be worth forgetting.
Christmas means shove down every last piece,
So open wide and swallow your grease.

It's a start, I wonder what other lyrics I can massacre?

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Satsuma Santa

Thinking of gifts this year? Thinking of saving money and keeping healthy over this fattening period? Then look no further as Satsuma Santa is here to save you.

Save £££'s by avoiding expensive plastic toys by instead looking for marrows and turnips, these make excellent imagination toys for children especially if gifted with a large carving knife to produce intricate carvings and macabre scenes. Imagine the delight on little johnny's face as he opens his first set of three kitchen knives, he almost knows what's coming next when he sees the long fat shape under a tree. 'Could it be! Could it be a marrow!' shouts Johnny, 'Yes it could!' you all shout back as excited as he is! Watch as Johnny plunges the knife in and slashes away at the wrapping, you sit back and smile.

N.B. Carving knives are not suitable for the under 18's, excessive knife/marrow exposure may lead to serial tendencies in later life starting with mummy and daddy.

Replace fattening sweets with assorted peas, brussels and kidney beans dipped in a heart warming bovril dip, place in the fridge to harden then wrap sweet like in brightly coloured paper. The meat and veg texture will delight. For a festive addition sprinkle on cinnamon before consuming.

Take one carrot of about 12-15cm and chop off the greenery at the top, choose a nice 8mm drill bit and carefully drill into the top about 3cm leaving a small hole then wrap it up. Its the gift that keeps on giving, a healthy pen topper that doesn't mind being chewed!

For sentimental gifts use extra wrapping paper and place layers of onion skins in between, the addition tears of the gift receiver will add to the overall emotional effect.

Place baked potatoes wrapped in silver foil under your Christmas tree, if your festive lights fail and the resulting fire burns your house down you will have a comforting snack left in the ashes.

Take one big cabbage and sellotape two large parsnips to it, one either side to simulate legs and place in an oven for two hours for a vegetarian alternative to turkey.

Hollow out several watermelons of varying sizes making sure the bottom remains intact, place hole side down and arrange in a semi-circle. Use celery sticks to hit them for a pleasing drum sound. Hollow turnips make good bass sounds whilst dropping peas on a metal tray creates a cymbal ambience. The whole drum-veg kit can be dissembled in seconds for wrapping, storage or to make a pleasant soup.

I hope this has given us inspiration to have a Satsuma Santa Christmas, more money saving tips later in the month!

Such Fun!

Look closely at the above picture, notice anything odd? Well it's a boring picture of two ovens only you may notice a bit of green inbetween and an inch long piece of greenery in the top glass portion. I have highlighted them to help.

It's actually part of my 'Let's throw random stuff at Mr Smith' day when a quick blast of the microwave on a few asparagus sticks led to one inexplicably rolling down the tray and into a small gap so it became wedged firmly between the outer glass and the inner glass. Opening the door part of the stalk was chopped away hence the debris underneath. It stood mocking me, it was like one of those tricks where a magician throws a card at a window and it appears on the inside only this time I did the trick and I haven't the foggiest how to do it again. Or how to get it out for that matter.

HOW?

No, really, I mean how? I run my fingers underneath but could feel no gap, nor could I see one. A bit of a prod with a satay stick and still I was none the wiser. This is silly I thought to myself, there must be a way to get it in there so on that premise thought I would try and do the same thing again so I could work out what happened.

Well something happened, it got taller as the new bit of asparagus gave it an extra shove through the nonexistent gap so now I had a couple of inches waving back to me and a second piece of asparagus somewhere in cooker limbo.

Roll back two hours and you will find myself and Jayne just entering a small cafe for a coffee, it's a regular haunt and our favourite seats had just become available so in we swept and sat down. 'Two coffees please and a nice farmhouse scone' what a treat!

'Did you see Turner? I didn't know what to make of it, I once had an introduction to art by the council and it was run by somebody awfully well known in the art world that once exhibited locally. I'm sure you know who they are, they paint landscapes.'

'Was it dear old Emma Truffington-Snithe? She once did a watercolour of the old mill, she's classically trained you know but struggles even though she is incredibly well known.'

'No dear, I don't think so, this talented young lady was specially selected to make a ceramic ring piece for lady Snottingsbury Ponce, she showed me her ring piece mouldings, they were quite exquisite. She's well known in the art world you know.'

Err maah gaaad! Out of all the places to stop and have a coffee, out of all the times we could have done this we had ended up next to two elderly ladies that enjoyed nothing else but spout off about art, who they had met and how well known in the art world they were, how to critique art and generally chatting about not respecting anybody or anything that hadn't come out of the RA because as they gleefully put it It's not worth respecting as it's normally created by philistines and amateurs with delusions of grandeur, not to mention they are mostly commoners without education.' I sat listening, it was hard not too such was the volume and it was most saddening to hear such stilted views. Anyway I got up and pulled their chairs from under them sending them crashing to the floor before pouring coffee in their handbags, adding a wee spot of milk and asking 'one sugar or two'

'It's for the RA darlings, I'm doing a performance piece' I added. They thanked me profusely for including them and I gave them my name as Tracey Emin. Balance returned we exited with a practiced arty flourish.

Actually I sat there and shook my head and thought about dinner instead...

So two hours later I was fishing around in a non arty way trying to work out how to get asparagus out of an oven. I opened and closed the door in puzzlement, placing my fingers just about where the asparagus disappeared I slowly closed the door.

'Owwww!! Jayne! Jayne! It bit me!' The door had indeed got a bite, just about three quarters shut a gap appeared under the hinges which was small enough to let things escape but also suddenly snaps shut again. I expected to see a row of finger ends behind the glass as I pulled free my sore paw instead with the gap found I continued to waste my life by working out how to remove the glass or at least create some kind of tool to help fetch it all out, it was either that or watch the asparagus decompose over the next month everytime I warm up a cup of hot chocolate.

See, days can be so instructive, insulting and interesting and I have to still get that dam asparagus out of its glass prison so on that note and in the spirit of today I'm also off to try and lose carrots down the back of the fridge and to trap my head in the pedal bin, such fun!

 

www.petersmithcollective.co.uk Home Of Foreverbunny and the Impossimals

Wrong, Just Wrong

 Ahh, lovely vintage tree decorations from the supermarket, how sweet! What do we have in this fine selection?

Oh, wow, a little present wrapped in a bow, it's SOOO cute, can help but think it looks a little like something else, don't worry it will come to me.

 A full sack, Santa has been very generous this year although I'm not quite sure what the brown thing is yet...

 Cats at Christmas and he even has a nice flower attached, where's his tail gone? Somethings not quite right but I can't put my finger on it...

Teddies! Yay! Teddy is having a cuddly, at least that's what I think he is doing...

Woooooooeeeeeewoooooo!!!!

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension - a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Twikelight Zone.

They were just a set of vintage looking decorations until their true meaning of Christmas is revealed to be far from festive in this weeks Twikelight Zone...

 'NO! NO!!!! Don't put me in the box, anything but the box!'

'GET IN, I shall set the meat grinder to fine mince, you won't feel a thing...'

 'Hey! This is your disgusting tail not mine! And why is there glitter on it?'

 'Hey Mabel, guess what? We have been sent gift wrapped poo again like last year.'

 'Hey baby, do you want to play with my presents?'

Sorry if all this has been a bit weird but it all started when I saw this picture of the Kardashians celebrating Thanksgiving so please forgive my mental state.